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1
00:00:06,153 --> 00:00:07,840
Good evening,
my fellow Americans.
2
00:00:08,077 --> 00:00:10,300
I'd just to thank you
for your continued faith
3
00:00:11,806 --> 00:00:13,040
(screaming)
We won!
4
00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:14,727
That's my anger translator,
Luther.
5
00:00:14,859 --> 00:00:16,259
Whoo!
6
00:00:16,302 --> 00:00:17,468
Yeah! What's up?
7
00:00:17,769 --> 00:00:18,602
♪ Mm mm-mm mm ♪
8
00:00:18,670 --> 00:00:20,004
♪ Mm mm mm-mm ♪
9
00:00:20,072 --> 00:00:22,390
But I want to wish
my opponent, Mitt Romney, well.
10
00:00:22,838 --> 00:00:23,884
He ran a good campaign.
11
00:00:24,017 --> 00:00:25,509
Take that [bleep]
back to the lab, Mitt,
12
00:00:25,577 --> 00:00:26,673
'cause you lost!
13
00:00:26,799 --> 00:00:29,215
And now we move forward
with pressing issues.
14
00:00:29,248 --> 00:00:31,316
We gonna pass Healthcare
again.
15
00:00:31,616 --> 00:00:32,701
Now what, bitches?
16
00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:35,735
While we had huge turnout
from our faithful supporters...
17
00:00:35,830 --> 00:00:37,030
Thank you, black folks!
18
00:00:37,045 --> 00:00:39,505
We made it to two elections
in a row, man!
19
00:00:39,558 --> 00:00:40,706
Now how hard was that?
20
00:00:40,846 --> 00:00:42,845
All your votes were crucial
in this victory.
21
00:00:42,900 --> 00:00:44,033
White people
who voted for me,
22
00:00:44,192 --> 00:00:46,393
y'all are all now
honorary black people.
23
00:00:46,422 --> 00:00:48,228
So thank you
for your support.
24
00:00:48,338 --> 00:00:50,722
And [bleep] you
if you tried to [bleep] me!
25
00:00:50,747 --> 00:00:52,047
I mean, you know how much money
they tried to spend
26
00:00:52,102 --> 00:00:52,828
to get rid of this?
27
00:00:52,868 --> 00:00:55,003
Millions, son!
I said millions!
28
00:00:55,596 --> 00:00:56,863
But you couldn't get rid
of a [bleep].
29
00:00:56,904 --> 00:00:58,004
Aw, naw.
30
00:00:58,046 --> 00:00:59,332
Yeah, can't touch this.
31
00:00:59,344 --> 00:01:00,175
Luther.
32
00:01:00,210 --> 00:01:01,361
N... Luther,
what'd I tell you?
33
00:01:01,446 --> 00:01:02,346
No Hammer dancing.
34
00:01:02,414 --> 00:01:03,368
Come on, "B"!
35
00:01:03,412 --> 00:01:04,679
We won!
Let's do it, dog!
36
00:01:04,694 --> 00:01:06,728
No, I'm, uh,
I-I-I told you,
37
00:01:06,730 --> 00:01:08,346
I don't want you
doing it wrong.
38
00:01:08,364 --> 00:01:09,631
- Ohh.
- You gotta get it right.
39
00:01:09,697 --> 00:01:10,663
- Ohh!
- If you're gonna do it...
40
00:01:10,866 --> 00:01:12,100
God bless America.
41
00:01:12,190 --> 00:01:13,090
Oh, that's right,
that's right.
42
00:01:13,158 --> 00:01:14,209
Say it, though.
Say it!
43
00:01:14,253 --> 00:01:16,967
Now, I-I-I told you, homeboy,
U can't touch this.
44
00:01:39,461 --> 00:01:43,068
- Hey! Whoa!
- Hey!
45
00:01:43,069 --> 00:01:44,346
Hey!
46
00:01:44,375 --> 00:01:45,552
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
47
00:01:45,552 --> 00:01:47,124
All right,
all right, all right!
48
00:01:47,143 --> 00:01:48,061
- All right.
- All right.
49
00:01:48,096 --> 00:01:50,227
Thank you so much. Thank you.
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
50
00:01:50,262 --> 00:01:52,138
- I'm Jordan Peele.
- And this is Key and Peele.
51
00:01:52,184 --> 00:01:53,684
- Thank you...
- Welcome to the show.
52
00:01:53,729 --> 00:01:56,531
- ...for coming out tonight.
- Yes, welcome to the show.
53
00:01:56,689 --> 00:01:58,289
Um, are you guys
sick of politics?
54
00:01:58,335 --> 00:01:59,635
Yeah!
55
00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:01,848
Okay.
56
00:02:01,939 --> 00:02:03,506
Okay.
57
00:02:03,551 --> 00:02:04,517
We're done.
58
00:02:04,857 --> 00:02:06,162
Well, thank God.
59
00:02:06,197 --> 00:02:07,693
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- We are finished for a while.
60
00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:08,402
Anyway...
61
00:02:08,449 --> 00:02:10,791
We have this theory
that these pop stars
62
00:02:10,791 --> 00:02:12,208
that claim that
they party all the time,
63
00:02:12,214 --> 00:02:13,754
- There's no way...
- It's impossible.
64
00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:15,434
That they actually party
that much.
65
00:02:15,457 --> 00:02:16,824
- Can't party full time.
- You can't do that.
66
00:02:16,869 --> 00:02:18,885
But no-one ever writes
a pop song about resting.
67
00:02:18,921 --> 00:02:20,155
♪ Today's the day ♪
68
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:22,748
♪ That I put my head down
and rest ♪
69
00:02:22,827 --> 00:02:24,595
- I mean, it's like...
- Yeah, you don't get that.
70
00:02:24,618 --> 00:02:25,792
Where's that song?
71
00:02:25,838 --> 00:02:27,698
Party, party, party.
You can't party that much.
72
00:02:27,743 --> 00:02:30,888
Nobody can party that much.
You're partying too much,
73
00:02:31,023 --> 00:02:33,155
And it's gotta take a toll
eventually, I'm sick of it!
74
00:02:33,242 --> 00:02:34,642
It will!
(laughter)
75
00:02:48,590 --> 00:02:50,433
♪ Well, tonight
we gonna party ♪
76
00:02:50,511 --> 00:02:52,340
♪ Till the party don't stop ♪
77
00:02:52,371 --> 00:02:54,105
♪ And the party don't stop ♪
78
00:02:54,143 --> 00:02:56,789
♪ Because it
keeps on going nonstop ♪
79
00:02:56,856 --> 00:02:58,490
♪ Gonna party all night ♪
80
00:02:58,558 --> 00:03:01,226
♪ Gonna keep
this party going ♪
81
00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:03,231
♪ 'cause the party
won't stop ♪
82
00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:06,990
♪ It's been two straight days
and the party's still going ♪
83
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:10,805
♪ Two, three, four, five,
six, seven days ♪
84
00:03:10,843 --> 00:03:14,513
♪ Till it's Friday again
and the party keeps going ♪
85
00:03:14,550 --> 00:03:18,153
♪ Party all night
'cause it's an all-night party ♪
86
00:03:18,191 --> 00:03:20,292
♪ Friday night, 9:00 p.m. ♪
87
00:03:20,330 --> 00:03:22,197
♪ Hop in the car,
call my friends ♪
88
00:03:22,235 --> 00:03:23,835
♪ Drinks in the back,
girls up front ♪
89
00:03:23,843 --> 00:03:25,902
♪ We're going to a party,
sending texts ♪
90
00:03:25,946 --> 00:03:29,715
♪ Cell phone rings,
iPad, Facebook, party time ♪
91
00:03:29,753 --> 00:03:31,487
♪ Skin-tight jeans,
Friday night ♪
92
00:03:31,524 --> 00:03:32,991
♪ Dance, dance, dance ♪
93
00:03:33,005 --> 00:03:36,559
♪ 'cause tonight we goin' out
and we ain't comin' back ♪
94
00:03:36,593 --> 00:03:40,044
♪ 'cause the party won't stop
and we'll go all night ♪
95
00:03:40,116 --> 00:03:43,593
♪ Friday night, every night,
the party's going down ♪
96
00:03:43,661 --> 00:03:47,676
♪ Down, down, down, down,
down, down, down, down, down ♪
97
00:03:47,721 --> 00:03:49,455
♪ New York City,
L.A., Chicago ♪
98
00:03:49,493 --> 00:03:51,260
♪ Houston, Philly,
San Diego ♪
99
00:03:51,268 --> 00:03:52,869
♪ Phoenix, Austin,
Fort Worth, Boston ♪
100
00:03:52,936 --> 00:03:54,637
♪ Memphis, Denver,
Portland, Vegas ♪
101
00:03:54,661 --> 00:03:56,524
♪ Tucson, Fresno,
Akron, Tampa ♪
102
00:03:56,524 --> 00:03:58,496
♪ Pittsburgh, Newark,
Plano, Lincoln ♪
103
00:03:58,532 --> 00:03:59,896
♪ Lubbock, Durham,
Salem, Dayton ♪
104
00:03:59,896 --> 00:04:01,530
♪ Cities, cities,
cities, cities ♪
105
00:04:01,597 --> 00:04:04,633
♪ 'cause tonight we going out
and we ain't comin' back ♪
106
00:04:04,641 --> 00:04:08,343
♪ 'cause the party won't stop
and we'll go all night ♪
107
00:04:08,532 --> 00:04:11,790
♪ Friday night, every night,
the party's going down ♪
108
00:04:11,936 --> 00:04:15,777
♪ Down, down, down, down,
down, down, down, down, down ♪
109
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:17,890
♪ New York City,
L.A., Chicago ♪
110
00:04:17,898 --> 00:04:19,532
♪ Houston, Philly,
San Diego ♪
111
00:04:19,539 --> 00:04:21,420
♪ Phoenix, Austin,
Fort Worth, Boston ♪
112
00:04:21,431 --> 00:04:23,224
♪ Memphis, Denver,
Portland, Vegas ♪
113
00:04:23,262 --> 00:04:24,920
♪ Tucson, Fresno,
Akron, Tampa ♪
114
00:04:24,957 --> 00:04:26,711
♪ Pittsburgh, Newark,
Plano, Lincoln ♪
115
00:04:26,764 --> 00:04:28,474
♪ Lubbock, Durham,
Salem, Dayton ♪
116
00:04:28,512 --> 00:04:30,183
♪ Cities, cities,
cities, cities ♪
117
00:04:30,247 --> 00:04:31,792
♪ Cities! ♪
118
00:04:31,830 --> 00:04:33,355
♪ Yeah, we're gonna
keep it going ♪
119
00:04:33,423 --> 00:04:35,051
♪ Till the break of
break of dawn ♪
120
00:04:35,064 --> 00:04:38,293
♪ Then we'll just
keep partying all day long ♪
121
00:04:38,352 --> 00:04:42,021
♪ Hot girls, music, dancing,
and bikinis and headphones ♪
122
00:04:42,059 --> 00:04:46,863
♪ Party, party, party, party,
party, party, party, party ♪
123
00:04:46,930 --> 00:04:52,318
♪ ♪
124
00:04:57,207 --> 00:05:01,076
♪ So tonight we're gonna party
till the party don't stop ♪
125
00:05:02,258 --> 00:05:03,692
- Now go... Look at that.
- What?
126
00:05:03,730 --> 00:05:06,146
- That's amazing.
- He's so good at this.
127
00:05:06,224 --> 00:05:08,466
- Amazing.
- I know, look at your points.
128
00:05:08,511 --> 00:05:10,979
Oh! Oh!
129
00:05:11,077 --> 00:05:13,145
Oh!
Nice! Nice!
130
00:05:13,182 --> 00:05:14,816
Yes. Dude.
131
00:05:14,854 --> 00:05:17,623
You have absolutely
mastered this game.
132
00:05:17,750 --> 00:05:20,123
Yeah, well, since,
um, Sheila left,
133
00:05:20,130 --> 00:05:22,825
I've been spending
a lot of time playing the game.
134
00:05:23,019 --> 00:05:25,287
- You're doing really good.
- Thank you.
135
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,292
That's why
we're here, man.
136
00:05:27,540 --> 00:05:29,836
Help you get over Sh... her.
137
00:05:30,235 --> 00:05:32,745
And check out this
awesome new game you have!
138
00:05:32,812 --> 00:05:34,079
Yay.
139
00:05:34,146 --> 00:05:35,947
You know, I left something
in another room.
140
00:05:36,046 --> 00:05:37,506
Um, excuse me, everyone.
141
00:05:40,660 --> 00:05:43,195
Oh, he still
has the sensors on.
142
00:05:44,257 --> 00:05:45,657
- Oh, look.
- Is that him in his room?
143
00:05:45,695 --> 00:05:48,196
Yeah. You can see him.
That's funny. What is he doing?
144
00:05:48,204 --> 00:05:50,698
Is he... is he on his knees?
145
00:05:50,799 --> 00:05:53,816
- Did he drop to his knees?
- Oh, n...
146
00:05:53,854 --> 00:05:54,975
- Oh...
- That... that...
147
00:05:55,003 --> 00:05:56,215
He's probably looking for...
148
00:05:56,259 --> 00:05:58,126
No, look.
He's... he's crying.
149
00:05:58,194 --> 00:06:00,397
- He's crying. Oh, no.
- He's just...
150
00:06:00,397 --> 00:06:02,352
- No, no, he's shuddering.
- That's just shaking.
151
00:06:02,352 --> 00:06:04,440
He's shuddering.
Is he fetal?
152
00:06:04,514 --> 00:06:06,513
Yeah, he curled up.
Look at that. He's fetal.
153
00:06:06,585 --> 00:06:09,420
Hey, Craig, buddy.
You all right up there?
154
00:06:09,518 --> 00:06:12,117
Oh, yeah, I'm... I'm... I'm...
I'm coming right out.
155
00:06:14,051 --> 00:06:15,885
Oh, he... um...
156
00:06:16,806 --> 00:06:19,508
Hey, man, you all right?
157
00:06:19,605 --> 00:06:21,579
Yes. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
158
00:06:21,639 --> 00:06:23,882
It's just, uh, my sinuses...
(sniffs) are acting up. Yeah.
159
00:06:24,074 --> 00:06:25,549
Yeah, I, um...
160
00:06:25,629 --> 00:06:27,624
I was just... you know, I was
just thinking about Sheila,
161
00:06:27,718 --> 00:06:28,818
and you know what?
162
00:06:28,945 --> 00:06:30,545
I'm... I am totally over her.
163
00:06:30,734 --> 00:06:31,687
- Awesome.
- Awesome.
164
00:06:31,701 --> 00:06:35,250
Let's... hey,
let's get this party started.
165
00:06:35,350 --> 00:06:36,783
Sure.
Oh.
166
00:06:38,942 --> 00:06:40,662
Uh...
167
00:06:41,420 --> 00:06:43,411
I forgot to get rid of this
picture of Sheila. Excuse me.
168
00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:45,648
Hey, maybe leave the sensors
so one of us can play.
169
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:50,095
Oh, he's dancing.
170
00:06:50,283 --> 00:06:52,718
He's dancing with the photo.
Is he ki...
171
00:06:52,725 --> 00:06:54,056
He's doing...
he's doing this a bunch.
172
00:06:54,100 --> 00:06:55,693
- All right.
- Is he kissing it?
173
00:06:56,156 --> 00:06:57,289
I think he's kissing it.
174
00:06:57,357 --> 00:06:58,486
Know what?
I'm gonna turn this off.
175
00:06:58,531 --> 00:07:00,565
- 'cause we don't need to...
- You change it and you die.
176
00:07:01,115 --> 00:07:02,421
He's undoing his buckle.
177
00:07:02,459 --> 00:07:03,861
Look at this.
His pants are coming off.
178
00:07:03,874 --> 00:07:04,974
His pants are coming off.
179
00:07:05,011 --> 00:07:07,279
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
180
00:07:07,287 --> 00:07:08,727
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
181
00:07:08,765 --> 00:07:10,610
- Okay, that's happening.
- Oh, no, no, no.
182
00:07:10,661 --> 00:07:12,912
- My God.
- Is he... He's...
183
00:07:12,979 --> 00:07:14,231
He is totally on the bed.
- Yeah.
184
00:07:14,294 --> 00:07:15,313
He's totally flat
on the bed.
185
00:07:15,373 --> 00:07:17,720
Oh, maybe he's shaking a can...
of hairspray...
186
00:07:17,791 --> 00:07:19,925
- Oh! Oh, God.
- Oh, gross.
187
00:07:23,623 --> 00:07:26,758
We sh... we shouldn't be...
Okay, you know...
188
00:07:26,791 --> 00:07:28,258
Is he reaching down
for his foot?
189
00:07:28,258 --> 00:07:29,556
- I don't...
- That's his foot, isn't it?
190
00:07:29,610 --> 00:07:31,904
- Is that his foot?
- I don't know.
191
00:07:32,949 --> 00:07:35,350
And coming back.
192
00:07:37,113 --> 00:07:38,773
Whew.
193
00:07:39,763 --> 00:07:41,912
I am sorry, everybody.
194
00:07:46,234 --> 00:07:48,061
Would you like me
to make some snacks?
195
00:07:48,099 --> 00:07:49,750
Wash your hands first?
196
00:07:55,504 --> 00:07:58,053
You know, we both spend
a good deal of time in Chicago,
197
00:07:58,109 --> 00:08:01,411
and, uh, when you go to Chicago,
to Wrigleyville,
198
00:08:01,432 --> 00:08:03,733
The bars around that ar...
Whoo!
199
00:08:03,734 --> 00:08:05,368
- Mm. It's just...
- They're drunk.
200
00:08:05,442 --> 00:08:06,975
- They get [bleep] up.
201
00:08:07,043 --> 00:08:09,445
We saw one time
a string of five women,
202
00:08:09,512 --> 00:08:11,101
And there was a woman,
like, hanging on...
203
00:08:11,169 --> 00:08:13,303
It was like woman, woman,
woman, woman, Raggedy Ann doll.
204
00:08:13,394 --> 00:08:14,650
It was just...
205
00:08:14,663 --> 00:08:16,130
She was just,
like, doing this, like...
206
00:08:16,175 --> 00:08:20,058
Anyway, Sophia's never gonna
get back to the car, seriously.
207
00:08:20,612 --> 00:08:21,979
What the [bleep]
am I supposed to...
208
00:08:22,025 --> 00:08:23,849
- She was supposed to be driving!
- Get off me!
209
00:08:23,972 --> 00:08:25,571
I've [bleep]
never driven an Audi.
210
00:08:25,740 --> 00:08:27,908
How do you drive an Audi,
Sophia?
211
00:08:27,954 --> 00:08:29,654
Get the [bleep] off of me.
212
00:08:29,700 --> 00:08:31,556
You can't even [bleep]...
fine.
213
00:08:31,601 --> 00:08:33,813
And she... boom.
She drops.
214
00:08:33,919 --> 00:08:34,803
Pretty much.
215
00:08:34,871 --> 00:08:36,605
So this scene
is about that girl.
216
00:08:40,190 --> 00:08:42,334
- Are you kidding me?
- No!
217
00:08:42,446 --> 00:08:44,509
Seriously, you've gotta
come back in the bar right now.
218
00:08:44,547 --> 00:08:45,814
You come back in the bar!
219
00:08:45,839 --> 00:08:47,616
Megan, I don't even
[bleep] know Claire!
220
00:08:47,684 --> 00:08:48,544
Yeah, right!
221
00:08:48,585 --> 00:08:50,200
I'm sorry!
You left your jacket!
222
00:08:50,243 --> 00:08:52,921
Yeah, well, why don't you give it
to your new, fat, ugly girlfriend?
223
00:08:52,945 --> 00:08:55,180
- I haven't even met her yet!
- Whatever!
224
00:08:55,248 --> 00:08:57,048
You left your jacket,
Megan!
225
00:08:57,071 --> 00:09:00,407
- Oh, throw it in a river!
- Why would I [bleep] do that?
226
00:09:00,519 --> 00:09:03,304
- I don't care, I'm over it!
- Fine!
227
00:09:06,728 --> 00:09:07,908
God.
228
00:09:13,672 --> 00:09:15,677
- Megan!
- Leave me alone!
229
00:09:15,745 --> 00:09:17,146
Your jacket, though!
230
00:09:17,213 --> 00:09:19,114
- No!
- Seriously, Megan!
231
00:09:19,448 --> 00:09:21,449
You start buying drinks
for everybody
232
00:09:21,540 --> 00:09:24,208
As soon as she comes over.
I mean, who does that?
233
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:25,531
Megan,
come back to the bar!
234
00:09:25,555 --> 00:09:29,291
- You're literally an asshole!
- How is that possible?
235
00:09:29,314 --> 00:09:31,915
I can't be an asshole.
I got arms and legs and a head!
236
00:09:31,961 --> 00:09:34,596
- Where's my jacket?
- I have your jacket!
237
00:09:34,598 --> 00:09:35,683
- Fine.
- Do you want it?
238
00:09:35,709 --> 00:09:36,470
No!
239
00:09:36,522 --> 00:09:37,942
- You know wha...
- Eat it!
240
00:09:37,943 --> 00:09:38,750
Why would I do that?
241
00:09:38,768 --> 00:09:40,546
You know what?
I'm not following you anymore!
242
00:09:40,569 --> 00:09:41,576
- I'm done!
- Fine! I'm over it!
243
00:09:41,615 --> 00:09:42,796
Fine!
244
00:09:50,580 --> 00:09:52,799
- Megan, come back to the bar.
- No!
245
00:09:52,882 --> 00:09:55,984
- Megan! Megan! Megan!
- Uh-uh! No! Uh-uh!
246
00:09:57,921 --> 00:10:00,993
Megan, do you want
your [bleep] jacket?
247
00:10:01,053 --> 00:10:01,890
No!
248
00:10:02,290 --> 00:10:04,512
Seriously,
come back to the bar.
249
00:10:04,582 --> 00:10:06,212
You go back to the bar.
250
00:10:06,263 --> 00:10:07,964
I'm gonna throw
this jacket in the water.
251
00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:10,690
Oh, nice.
That's really nice.
252
00:10:10,756 --> 00:10:12,979
What do you want me to do,
Megan? Damn!
253
00:10:13,002 --> 00:10:14,603
Kiss my butthole, okay?
254
00:10:14,671 --> 00:10:17,596
Good! Fine! Fine! Then I'm going!
I'm leaving right now!
255
00:10:18,496 --> 00:10:20,082
God damn it!
256
00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:26,554
- Megan!
- No!
257
00:10:26,616 --> 00:10:29,085
- Like, seriously, your jacket!
- No!
258
00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:32,442
- But it's your jacket, though!
- Whatever!
259
00:10:45,068 --> 00:10:47,536
- Megan!
- No!
260
00:10:50,170 --> 00:10:53,542
I have your j...
I have your jacket.
261
00:10:54,756 --> 00:10:56,461
I'm over it!
262
00:10:57,513 --> 00:10:58,962
Seriously, Meg...
263
00:11:17,300 --> 00:11:19,180
You know what I mean?
264
00:11:23,106 --> 00:11:24,669
Why you readin', bitch?
265
00:11:26,058 --> 00:11:28,174
Because I like to read,
and this is a really good book.
266
00:11:28,242 --> 00:11:30,977
You're a really good bitch,
bitch.
267
00:11:31,022 --> 00:11:32,568
Why you gotta
bother me, man?
268
00:11:33,173 --> 00:11:34,145
Because.
269
00:11:34,773 --> 00:11:36,675
I'm not doing
very well in school.
270
00:11:36,919 --> 00:11:38,687
I'm reading
at a third-grade level.
271
00:11:38,755 --> 00:11:40,836
I really don't want
to get left back,
272
00:11:40,929 --> 00:11:43,030
so when I see somebody
reading for fun,
273
00:11:43,426 --> 00:11:45,694
it makes me feel
that much more stupid!
274
00:11:45,922 --> 00:11:47,541
And then I get mad!
275
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:51,233
Um, I didn't
know that. I...
276
00:11:51,234 --> 00:11:52,795
Thanks so much
for opening up to me...
277
00:11:52,839 --> 00:11:55,966
- Shut up, queer!
- I don't understand.
278
00:11:56,025 --> 00:11:57,522
Why... I mean,
why you gotta go there?
279
00:11:59,309 --> 00:12:00,944
I've been having
sexual fantasies
280
00:12:00,962 --> 00:12:02,596
about some of
the other guys at school.
281
00:12:02,598 --> 00:12:04,032
- What?
- Gimme that!
282
00:12:04,517 --> 00:12:07,158
I'm afraid of these feelings
and what they might mean.
283
00:12:07,291 --> 00:12:08,992
It's like, because
I hate myself so much,
284
00:12:09,016 --> 00:12:11,707
I gotta point that hate outward
towards you!
285
00:12:14,284 --> 00:12:16,291
You understand this
on such a deep level that...
286
00:12:16,359 --> 00:12:18,193
- I don't understand [bleep]!
- Whoa!
287
00:12:18,261 --> 00:12:19,777
Now I'm gonna
punish you physically
288
00:12:19,804 --> 00:12:21,303
for acknowledging
my emotional problems!
289
00:12:21,348 --> 00:12:22,191
Wait, wait, wait,
290
00:12:22,217 --> 00:12:23,949
I was gonna say if you
understand yourself so well,
291
00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:26,104
then maybe you should
try working on changing it.
292
00:12:26,235 --> 00:12:28,270
Of course
I want to change it!
293
00:12:28,338 --> 00:12:30,572
But it's the only
defense mechanism I have
294
00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:33,775
against deeper, more terrifying
problems buried inside of me!
295
00:12:38,971 --> 00:12:40,615
You're lucky my Dad's here.
(piano music)
296
00:12:41,491 --> 00:12:42,851
Get in the damn truck, son.
297
00:12:42,919 --> 00:12:45,287
I need to take you home and beat
on you 'cause I hate myself.
298
00:12:45,355 --> 00:12:47,186
And you look like
your mother who left me.
299
00:12:47,406 --> 00:12:49,857
Then I'm gonna block out
the guilt I feel over mistreating you
300
00:12:49,888 --> 00:12:51,082
with a river of vodka.
301
00:12:52,424 --> 00:12:53,858
I'm gonna internalize that
302
00:12:53,882 --> 00:12:56,150
and unknowingly transfer it
onto you tomorrow.
303
00:13:01,699 --> 00:13:03,625
Coming reluctantly.
304
00:13:12,103 --> 00:13:14,182
So Jordan and I...
we, um...
305
00:13:14,235 --> 00:13:16,358
We like global affairs.
306
00:13:16,407 --> 00:13:17,280
I like playing Risk.
307
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:19,670
Yeah, Risk is a gr...
yeah, mm-hmm, example.
308
00:13:19,913 --> 00:13:21,313
Africa's
very interesting to us.
309
00:13:21,322 --> 00:13:22,730
- Yes, yes.
- We find Africa interesting.
310
00:13:22,798 --> 00:13:24,752
That's... Africa
is perplexing to me
311
00:13:24,781 --> 00:13:26,480
Because that is...
that's a place
312
00:13:26,526 --> 00:13:30,329
where you will have the evilest
mother[bleep] walking around,
313
00:13:30,357 --> 00:13:31,957
and they're wearing
a Ducktales shirt.
314
00:13:32,025 --> 00:13:33,125
You're like, wha...
How did he?
315
00:13:34,268 --> 00:13:35,369
Why does he have...
316
00:13:35,417 --> 00:13:37,819
What is going on?
You know, it's just...
317
00:13:37,847 --> 00:13:39,917
It's kind of like America,
if you think about it,
318
00:13:39,947 --> 00:13:41,114
'cause especially
in the '90s,
319
00:13:41,123 --> 00:13:42,557
you walk down the worst
neighborhood in Amer...
320
00:13:42,672 --> 00:13:44,045
You know you are in trouble
321
00:13:44,045 --> 00:13:45,979
if a mother[bleep]
got a Tweety shirt on.
322
00:13:46,028 --> 00:13:47,135
Twee... yeah.
323
00:13:48,553 --> 00:13:51,052
"You come down the wrong
neighborhood, Puddy T."
324
00:13:56,382 --> 00:13:57,747
Commander Bujune!
325
00:13:58,128 --> 00:14:00,362
Our forces
have been devastated.
326
00:14:00,621 --> 00:14:02,956
The enemy is at the edge
of the village.
327
00:14:03,023 --> 00:14:05,357
There are not
many of us left.
328
00:14:06,201 --> 00:14:07,931
Should we surrender?
329
00:14:10,593 --> 00:14:12,295
You may surrender, Jengo.
330
00:14:14,332 --> 00:14:16,827
But I am afraid that is
a luxury I cannot afford.
331
00:14:17,756 --> 00:14:20,405
You have no idea
what they do to warlords.
332
00:14:20,413 --> 00:14:23,719
If they capture me,
they will torture me for weeks.
333
00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:26,207
That is no way to go.
334
00:14:27,135 --> 00:14:31,019
I want you, my most trusted
soldier over the age of eight,
335
00:14:31,708 --> 00:14:33,500
to take my life.
336
00:14:34,250 --> 00:14:36,748
That is my final order.
337
00:14:43,562 --> 00:14:44,461
Aah!
338
00:14:44,490 --> 00:14:45,857
Oh! Oh! Oh! Ow!
339
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,541
Ow! No, do... no!
Aah, stop, stop!
340
00:14:47,611 --> 00:14:49,180
What the hell are you doing?
341
00:14:49,444 --> 00:14:51,288
Haa!
342
00:14:51,693 --> 00:14:52,973
I was trying
to kill you, sir.
343
00:14:53,020 --> 00:14:55,520
Not with this!
There's a gun in the drawer!
344
00:14:55,663 --> 00:14:57,031
Aah!
345
00:14:57,079 --> 00:14:58,246
Oh.
346
00:14:58,294 --> 00:14:59,828
So sorry. Okay.
347
00:14:59,875 --> 00:15:00,670
Amazing.
348
00:15:00,724 --> 00:15:03,450
You missed every
vital organ, Jengo.
349
00:15:03,481 --> 00:15:05,215
- Oh...
- Found it.
350
00:15:05,225 --> 00:15:07,693
All right, now kill me, Jengo.
Hurry, please!
351
00:15:12,865 --> 00:15:14,340
Not in the knee!
352
00:15:14,389 --> 00:15:16,034
I thought you might
want an open casket.
353
00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:17,912
You are an idiot!
354
00:15:18,683 --> 00:15:20,784
Don't say that.
I did try my best.
355
00:15:20,832 --> 00:15:23,364
Shoot me in the head,
you imbecile!
356
00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:26,458
God.
357
00:15:27,037 --> 00:15:28,004
Good-bye, commander.
358
00:15:29,910 --> 00:15:32,640
You sorry-ass piece of sh...
(gun clicks)
359
00:15:35,639 --> 00:15:38,305
Did you just insult me
as you were about to fire?
360
00:15:38,833 --> 00:15:42,373
Oh, well,
you had insulted me earlier.
361
00:15:42,641 --> 00:15:45,161
I th... I thought
you would be dead.
362
00:15:45,548 --> 00:15:48,022
Ah, ooh. So sorry.
363
00:15:48,093 --> 00:15:49,065
Ow!
364
00:15:49,273 --> 00:15:51,053
Ow! Ow! Ow!
365
00:15:51,074 --> 00:15:53,522
Stop... stop it!
What the hell are you doing?
366
00:15:53,568 --> 00:15:56,062
The gun is empty.
Would you like I stab you again?
367
00:15:56,069 --> 00:15:57,369
No, no, no! Please!
368
00:15:57,676 --> 00:16:00,472
Jengo, there are bullets!
They are over there!
369
00:16:00,558 --> 00:16:01,624
Okay.
370
00:16:01,712 --> 00:16:05,172
Jengo, please hurry!
I am in agony!
371
00:16:06,754 --> 00:16:07,821
Ow!
372
00:16:08,486 --> 00:16:10,030
What the blazes, man?
373
00:16:10,064 --> 00:16:11,498
I thought
I could kill you very quick.
374
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:13,509
by hitting you
with that big cooking pot.
375
00:16:13,685 --> 00:16:15,920
Oh, my God, would you please,
I mean, please get it over with?
376
00:16:16,532 --> 00:16:18,383
I did not
find the bullets.
377
00:16:18,383 --> 00:16:19,283
- What?
- But better.
378
00:16:19,491 --> 00:16:20,791
Boiling hot water.
379
00:16:20,819 --> 00:16:21,686
What are you
going to do with...
380
00:16:24,273 --> 00:16:25,571
I surrender!
381
00:16:25,675 --> 00:16:28,076
I am the general
Dominique Bujune!
382
00:16:28,204 --> 00:16:31,406
Commander! Don't go!
They'll torture you!
383
00:16:36,055 --> 00:16:38,817
Well, you guys like, uh...
You guys like Ryan Gosling?
384
00:16:39,913 --> 00:16:41,035
Yeah.
385
00:16:42,056 --> 00:16:45,248
- But dude does not act, though.
- No, that's the thing.
386
00:16:45,287 --> 00:16:47,454
He does not act.
He's not doing anything.
387
00:16:47,522 --> 00:16:49,556
That's his secret
is he's got...
388
00:16:49,594 --> 00:16:51,675
He uses the Kuleshov Effect.
That's the thing.
389
00:16:51,714 --> 00:16:53,382
- Coolest... what?
- The Kuleshov Effect.
390
00:16:53,390 --> 00:16:55,258
It's... it just means
that he doesn't have...
391
00:16:55,267 --> 00:16:57,201
Like, all you have to know
is what the movie's about,
392
00:16:57,216 --> 00:16:58,482
and then he just
has to look like this,
393
00:16:58,482 --> 00:16:59,664
and then you think
he's thinking that.
394
00:17:00,095 --> 00:17:01,295
That's his gift.
395
00:17:01,303 --> 00:17:03,070
You know, it's like... you know...
396
00:17:03,152 --> 00:17:05,866
"In a world where a man
loses his father..."
397
00:17:05,871 --> 00:17:06,997
And then it's
just his face going...
398
00:17:08,901 --> 00:17:10,858
And then you go,
"Oh, man, Ryan Gosling is sad."
399
00:17:10,893 --> 00:17:13,906
Mm, [bleep] hot.
I don't care how he acts.
400
00:17:16,002 --> 00:17:18,837
He can make
all the non-faces he wants.
401
00:17:51,742 --> 00:17:54,544
Okay, man, you know what?
It wasn't my fault, all right?
402
00:17:54,547 --> 00:17:56,748
I-I-I-I had the money
like you said
403
00:17:56,751 --> 00:17:58,416
in a trash bag
in the back of my car,
404
00:17:58,581 --> 00:18:02,087
and I was gonna go
straight to the drop spot.
405
00:18:02,612 --> 00:18:04,048
All right?
406
00:18:11,055 --> 00:18:13,144
No, no... Hol... Okay.
Okay, okay.
407
00:18:13,228 --> 00:18:15,529
Okay, no... no, hey,
hey, hey, hey, man.
408
00:18:15,564 --> 00:18:17,198
There ain't no need for you
to get comfortable.
409
00:18:17,266 --> 00:18:19,391
Okay? Because... because
I'm telling you, man.
410
00:18:19,412 --> 00:18:21,390
What happened
wasn't my fault, all right?
411
00:18:21,457 --> 00:18:25,101
I-I-I-I-I-I drove to
the agreed upon location, man.
412
00:18:25,269 --> 00:18:27,294
Oh... oh, man.
413
00:18:28,415 --> 00:18:30,808
What?
Okay... okay, okay!
414
00:18:30,879 --> 00:18:33,414
Okay, bec... bec... okay.
415
00:18:33,547 --> 00:18:37,611
Because there's no need to have
anything crazy in a paper bag.
416
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:38,746
I'm telling you.
417
00:18:38,836 --> 00:18:40,899
There's an explanation
for what went down!
418
00:18:41,672 --> 00:18:44,508
Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa! Okay!
419
00:18:44,607 --> 00:18:47,603
Let's calm down now.
Let's calm down, man.
420
00:18:47,667 --> 00:18:49,335
There ain't no need.
421
00:18:49,531 --> 00:18:51,928
Oh, not a juice box?
422
00:18:52,166 --> 00:18:53,700
There ain't no need
to eat a meal
423
00:18:54,187 --> 00:18:56,722
and then do
some crazy [bleep]
424
00:18:56,790 --> 00:18:59,535
with the sandwich container
and the juice box!
425
00:18:59,605 --> 00:19:02,411
Oh, man, come on.
426
00:19:02,418 --> 00:19:05,354
Come on, man.
Just chill out a little bit.
427
00:19:05,354 --> 00:19:06,793
Just... you need
to relax, man.
428
00:19:06,824 --> 00:19:08,024
You need to
take it easy and rela...
429
00:19:08,060 --> 00:19:11,451
Oh, [bleep]!
Oh, goddamn!
430
00:19:11,530 --> 00:19:13,876
Now, come on, man!
Don't do it, don't do it!
431
00:19:13,957 --> 00:19:15,832
Don't do it, man! You sh...
come on, man.
432
00:19:15,901 --> 00:19:17,997
Oh, you're eating the sandwich!
You're eating the sandwich.
433
00:19:19,409 --> 00:19:21,343
Oh, man, how you gonna
sandwich me, dog?
434
00:19:21,926 --> 00:19:24,994
How you gonna sandwich me?
Oh, [bleep]!
435
00:19:25,029 --> 00:19:27,117
Okay, look,
it's gettin' crazy now!
436
00:19:27,118 --> 00:19:30,239
It's gotta stop!
It's gotta stop right now, okay?
437
00:19:30,239 --> 00:19:32,496
You cleanin' yourself up before
you do some ill [bleep]?
438
00:19:32,496 --> 00:19:33,562
Come on, man!
439
00:19:33,565 --> 00:19:35,142
What you doin'?
What you wanna know?
440
00:19:35,213 --> 00:19:37,237
What... I'll tell you
whatever you wanna know, man!
441
00:19:37,266 --> 00:19:39,381
Just please stop
this cold-ass [bleep], man!
442
00:19:39,419 --> 00:19:43,260
I'm beggin' you, dog, please.
Oh, [bleep]! No! No, okay!
443
00:19:43,289 --> 00:19:44,957
Look, okay, may... maybe it was
my fault a little bit.
444
00:19:44,991 --> 00:19:46,825
Maybe it was my fault
a little bit, but don't just...
445
00:19:46,829 --> 00:19:48,373
What you gonna do
with that juice box, man?
446
00:19:48,373 --> 00:19:49,488
What're you gonna
do with that j...
447
00:19:49,488 --> 00:19:50,622
What're you gonna
do with the straw?
448
00:19:50,753 --> 00:19:52,721
What're you gonna
do with the straw?
449
00:19:52,789 --> 00:19:54,896
Come on, man, do...
listen, listen.
450
00:19:54,900 --> 00:19:57,022
No, no. No, I did it! I did it!
I did it, okay? I did it!
451
00:19:57,022 --> 00:19:59,437
I did it, I left the car!
I left for three minutes!
452
00:19:59,489 --> 00:20:01,691
So please don't do anything
with the straw!
453
00:20:01,758 --> 00:20:04,250
Why aren't you stopping?
Fine! Fine!
454
00:20:04,265 --> 00:20:06,802
Aah!
Aah! Man!
455
00:20:06,871 --> 00:20:09,905
Okay, man!
Ha, ha! I beat you to it!
456
00:20:10,269 --> 00:20:13,605
Okay? I got your point,
all right, man?
457
00:20:13,995 --> 00:20:15,062
Ha!
458
00:20:15,290 --> 00:20:18,343
Oh, man, that's a bitch!
459
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:32,095
Will we be having any more
problems out of him, sir?
460
00:20:32,679 --> 00:20:34,318
No.
461
00:20:34,642 --> 00:20:38,378
Yeah. That's what
I'm talkin' about.
462
00:20:41,366 --> 00:20:42,911
Seriously, we're done.
463
00:20:42,917 --> 00:20:44,651
So just say good-bye,
Megan.
464
00:20:45,009 --> 00:20:46,109
- No!
- Say it!
465
00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:47,145
Uh-uh!
466
00:20:47,181 --> 00:20:48,546
- Say good-bye!
- No!
467
00:20:48,588 --> 00:20:50,474
Would you [bleep]
say good-bye?
468
00:20:50,674 --> 00:20:52,231
- Get away from me!
- Just say it!
469
00:20:52,308 --> 00:20:54,442
You are literally
an asshole!
470
00:20:54,446 --> 00:20:56,490
Bye, man! Say good-bye!
(cheers and applause)
471
00:20:59,328 --> 00:21:02,096
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
472
00:21:02,358 --> 00:21:04,384
Oh, yeah.
35083
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