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1
00:00:06,205 --> 00:00:08,065
Good evening,
my fellow Americans.
2
00:00:08,285 --> 00:00:10,985
With me, as always,
is my anger translator Luther.
3
00:00:11,035 --> 00:00:12,295
Boom, Mitt!
4
00:00:12,545 --> 00:00:15,995
I sunk your battleship, bitch!
What's up?!
5
00:00:16,685 --> 00:00:20,035
To the American people, I just want
to say that the debates are over
6
00:00:20,555 --> 00:00:23,545
but now is not a time
to tally points
7
00:00:23,625 --> 00:00:25,165
or to, uh, keep the score.
8
00:00:25,265 --> 00:00:27,175
2-1, Obama.
9
00:00:27,185 --> 00:00:31,015
Game, set, match,
touchdown, homerun, checkmate.
10
00:00:31,115 --> 00:00:32,785
Can we get back to work now?
11
00:00:32,935 --> 00:00:34,975
Governor Romney,
in the recent debate,
12
00:00:35,075 --> 00:00:37,775
I laid out the inconsistencies
in your stated beliefs.
13
00:00:37,815 --> 00:00:40,715
Okay, Governor Rom... Listen,
I'm gonna tell you a little...
14
00:00:40,785 --> 00:00:44,045
Governor Romney,
why are you smiling
15
00:00:44,115 --> 00:00:45,755
while you're getting
your ass kicked?
16
00:00:45,795 --> 00:00:49,105
Are we debating, or are you trying
to sell me a Lexus?
17
00:00:49,175 --> 00:00:52,145
I directly questioned you
about your opposition
18
00:00:52,185 --> 00:00:53,595
to the auto industry bailout.
19
00:00:53,665 --> 00:00:56,565
On behalf of all the people in Detroit
that want to stab you,
20
00:00:56,575 --> 00:00:59,915
I ask again,
why are you smiling?
21
00:01:00,315 --> 00:01:02,305
I asked you about
your stance on Syria,
22
00:01:02,395 --> 00:01:04,325
which you called
"Iran's route to the sea."
23
00:01:04,335 --> 00:01:06,865
Hey... Dummy... Look!
24
00:01:06,965 --> 00:01:09,735
Iran is on the sea.
25
00:01:10,005 --> 00:01:12,475
Syria's two god damn
countries this way.
26
00:01:12,575 --> 00:01:15,845
Bam...
which is a city in iran.
27
00:01:16,205 --> 00:01:18,945
I even reminded you
that horses and bayonets
28
00:01:19,015 --> 00:01:21,765
are not strategically valid
in modern warfare.
29
00:01:21,805 --> 00:01:24,555
So like I said, it's time
to wipe that smug smile
30
00:01:24,605 --> 00:01:28,555
off your sweaty, sweaty,
pasty-ass sweaty face.
31
00:01:28,555 --> 00:01:30,385
I mean, Mitt,
do you need a towel?
32
00:01:30,425 --> 00:01:33,695
Because your face is
straight up raining.
33
00:01:33,995 --> 00:01:36,365
I spoke about brinksmanship
with Iran,
34
00:01:36,435 --> 00:01:38,435
and you just said
you wanted a peaceful planet.
35
00:01:38,475 --> 00:01:40,805
I mean, who let
Wavy Gravy up in here?
36
00:01:40,905 --> 00:01:41,655
I'm sorry, Mitt.
37
00:01:41,705 --> 00:01:43,885
If you want to be the first
mormon hippie,
38
00:01:43,925 --> 00:01:45,735
you're gonna need to grow
your hair out, dog.
39
00:01:45,795 --> 00:01:47,335
and quit smiling!
40
00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:49,065
[bleep]!
This got me...
41
00:01:49,135 --> 00:01:51,305
There were many times
where you even, uh,
42
00:01:51,345 --> 00:01:52,825
inexplicably agreed with me.
43
00:01:52,925 --> 00:01:55,235
Stop agreeing with me!
44
00:01:55,245 --> 00:01:58,045
Are you trying to body snatch me
and become me
45
00:01:58,215 --> 00:02:00,765
for the last two weeks
of the election?
46
00:02:00,865 --> 00:02:02,285
I mean, what's...
I'm sorry, time out.
47
00:02:02,365 --> 00:02:04,705
Sir, I'm, like,
legitimately concerned
48
00:02:05,185 --> 00:02:08,335
that he's like an insane,
rich, crazy person who's gonna...
49
00:02:08,405 --> 00:02:09,705
- Luther...
- Wait, okay, yeah.
50
00:02:09,805 --> 00:02:11,335
- Calm down now.
- Okay.
51
00:02:11,485 --> 00:02:13,915
I assure you,
Governor Romney's not insane.
52
00:02:14,255 --> 00:02:15,265
- Okay.
- Thank you.
53
00:02:15,305 --> 00:02:16,935
- No problem.
- In conclusion...
54
00:02:17,215 --> 00:02:20,045
I greatly appreciated our
exchange on foreign policy.
55
00:02:20,235 --> 00:02:22,415
But we all know the only
country that matters...
56
00:02:22,605 --> 00:02:23,605
is Ohio.
57
00:02:23,655 --> 00:02:25,905
You sweaty, smiley,
58
00:02:26,395 --> 00:02:29,525
never-gonna-be-president
looking mother-[bleep].
59
00:02:29,655 --> 00:02:31,135
- What?
- Hey...
60
00:02:31,775 --> 00:02:33,405
Loosing up a little bit
over here.
61
00:02:33,445 --> 00:02:35,975
And it's just about
[bleep]ing time.
62
00:02:59,605 --> 00:03:02,075
- Hello!
- Hi.
63
00:03:02,145 --> 00:03:03,345
Thank you.
64
00:03:03,405 --> 00:03:04,445
Thank you.
65
00:03:04,515 --> 00:03:07,545
Thank you for coming.
66
00:03:07,615 --> 00:03:09,695
Thank you so much.
67
00:03:09,735 --> 00:03:11,935
Welcome to the show.
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
68
00:03:11,965 --> 00:03:13,765
- I am Jordan Peele.
- We are Key and Peele.
69
00:03:13,915 --> 00:03:15,685
- Thank you for coming.
- Key... and Peele.
70
00:03:15,755 --> 00:03:16,925
Thank you!
71
00:03:18,825 --> 00:03:19,995
So...
72
00:03:20,735 --> 00:03:23,165
The other day you and I
were talking about
73
00:03:23,525 --> 00:03:26,165
why there are no longer
rap groups.
74
00:03:26,235 --> 00:03:27,135
Rap groups.
Do you guys...
75
00:03:27,175 --> 00:03:28,645
Do you know
what happened to rap groups?
76
00:03:28,705 --> 00:03:30,945
There are rappers...
and there are collaborations.
77
00:03:30,985 --> 00:03:31,435
Right.
78
00:03:31,535 --> 00:03:33,905
- But there are no longer rap groups.
- Right.
79
00:03:33,985 --> 00:03:36,195
Wu-Tang Clan... they had...
80
00:03:36,265 --> 00:03:37,165
Oh, yeah.
81
00:03:37,235 --> 00:03:38,535
- Right.
- These dudes...
82
00:03:38,605 --> 00:03:41,555
- They had like 36 dudes on stage.
- Yeah, right.
83
00:03:41,745 --> 00:03:43,675
- With like katana blades,
- What's a katana blade ?
84
00:03:43,775 --> 00:03:45,545
dressed like [bleep] Ninja Turtles.
85
00:03:45,705 --> 00:03:49,105
Or-or-or Public Enemy had...
86
00:03:49,265 --> 00:03:52,555
You know, like one rapper,
a crazy man with a clock,
87
00:03:53,855 --> 00:03:55,465
- and a security force.
- Yeah.
88
00:03:55,525 --> 00:03:57,565
Arrested Development.
That's kind of rap group.
89
00:03:58,297 --> 00:03:59,576
Yeah!
90
00:04:00,205 --> 00:04:03,055
These dudes... they were
the first band, I think in history
91
00:04:03,095 --> 00:04:05,025
just to have a black woman
on stage going like that...
92
00:04:05,035 --> 00:04:06,925
- Right. Yeah, yeah.
- For no reason.
93
00:04:10,445 --> 00:04:12,275
- There was just...
- There's no reason for it.
94
00:04:12,315 --> 00:04:13,585
That's right.
95
00:04:13,645 --> 00:04:15,155
And a little old man
in a rocking chair,
96
00:04:15,195 --> 00:04:18,035
just an old man
in a rocking chair.
97
00:04:22,515 --> 00:04:24,655
♪ Bone bone bone bone ♪
98
00:04:24,715 --> 00:04:26,165
♪ Bone thugs and homeless ♪
99
00:04:26,175 --> 00:04:28,335
♪ Bone bone bone ♪
100
00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:30,505
♪ Said, brah,
that's what we gonna do ♪
101
00:04:30,545 --> 00:04:32,405
♪ Where has everybody gone ♪
102
00:04:32,455 --> 00:04:33,715
♪ Gone gone ♪
103
00:04:33,865 --> 00:04:35,885
♪ Where have
all the people gone ♪
104
00:04:35,895 --> 00:04:37,425
♪ How did we go broke ♪
105
00:04:37,495 --> 00:04:39,255
♪ Think of all the lost hoes ♪
106
00:04:39,265 --> 00:04:40,695
♪ Somehow we must've taken ♪
107
00:04:40,735 --> 00:04:42,795
♪ A wrong turn at crossroads ♪
108
00:04:42,865 --> 00:04:44,435
♪ Maybe we should change
our flow ♪
109
00:04:44,495 --> 00:04:46,275
♪ But our flow is tight though ♪
110
00:04:46,365 --> 00:04:47,655
♪ The harmony thing seems old ♪
111
00:04:47,885 --> 00:04:49,685
♪ Something don't smell right, yo ♪
112
00:04:49,725 --> 00:04:51,455
♪ We smelling like hell
and not doing too well ♪
113
00:04:51,495 --> 00:04:53,745
♪ And we live in a system
where nobody's giving away ♪
114
00:04:53,745 --> 00:04:57,155
♪ Every day, every day
Poop in different alleyways♪
115
00:04:57,185 --> 00:04:59,295
♪ Homeless ♪
♪ bone ♪
116
00:04:59,305 --> 00:05:01,325
♪ Homeless bone,
homeless bone, yeah ♪
117
00:05:01,335 --> 00:05:03,755
♪ We piss and poop
in different alleyways ♪
118
00:05:03,765 --> 00:05:04,835
♪ Can somebody spare
some change? ♪
119
00:05:04,925 --> 00:05:06,865
♪ We spent all our money ♪
120
00:05:06,955 --> 00:05:08,575
♪ can somebody - anybody -
spare some change ♪
121
00:05:08,685 --> 00:05:10,605
♪ Listen to our tummies ♪
122
00:05:15,245 --> 00:05:17,915
♪ Hey, man,
I miss my uncle Charles, y'all ♪
123
00:05:17,975 --> 00:05:19,685
♪ He had some gall, having a ball ♪
124
00:05:19,695 --> 00:05:21,565
♪ Brother can't even
return my calls ♪
125
00:05:21,565 --> 00:05:23,875
♪ Bone bone bone, bone,
yeah ♪
126
00:05:23,885 --> 00:05:25,675
♪ Bone thugs and homeless bone ♪
127
00:05:25,745 --> 00:05:27,375
♪ Bone thugs and homeless bone ♪
128
00:05:27,445 --> 00:05:29,475
♪ Bone thugs and homeless bone ♪
129
00:05:29,545 --> 00:05:32,785
♪ We're so hungry...
We'll eat a bone ♪
130
00:05:33,145 --> 00:05:34,285
Brock Favors here,
131
00:05:38,025 --> 00:05:40,345
We are here live
at the Metro Police Department
132
00:05:40,515 --> 00:05:42,195
canine training facility,
133
00:05:42,265 --> 00:05:45,085
And we are going to be learning
some apprehension techniques
134
00:05:45,155 --> 00:05:46,875
used by the canine unit.
135
00:05:46,905 --> 00:05:50,145
Now, Officer Hanson, uh, I will
be playing the assailant today.
136
00:05:50,215 --> 00:05:51,475
- Is that correct?
- Yeah, that's correct.
137
00:05:51,545 --> 00:05:54,425
Now, Officer Hanson, I am
perfectly safe in this suit, right?
138
00:05:54,585 --> 00:05:56,195
Yeah, you're 100% safe.
139
00:05:56,295 --> 00:05:58,685
In fact, those are the suits
we use for officer training.
140
00:05:58,725 --> 00:06:00,115
All right!
Well, there you go.
141
00:06:00,155 --> 00:06:02,375
Well, kids, make sure
that you do not try this at home
142
00:06:02,435 --> 00:06:03,705
with your chihuahuas.
143
00:06:03,765 --> 00:06:05,305
Ow! Ow! Ow!
[bleep]!
144
00:06:05,345 --> 00:06:07,575
Get this [bleep] off of me!
Get this [bleep] off of me!
145
00:06:07,675 --> 00:06:09,575
Damn!
Get this [bleep] off of me!
146
00:06:09,675 --> 00:06:10,745
[bleep]!
147
00:06:10,775 --> 00:06:13,385
Oh, God damn!
Oh, God damn!
148
00:06:13,445 --> 00:06:16,355
Oh, [bleep]!
Whoo!
149
00:06:16,565 --> 00:06:19,475
Okie dokey.
I am sorry...
150
00:06:19,845 --> 00:06:21,585
that, uh, you all just
151
00:06:21,965 --> 00:06:24,975
heard me use that inappropriate
language that was very uncalled for.
152
00:06:25,045 --> 00:06:26,595
- When you panic like that...
- Yeah.
153
00:06:26,595 --> 00:06:27,945
He thinks you're more
of a threat than you are.
154
00:06:28,015 --> 00:06:28,525
Uh-huh.
155
00:06:28,535 --> 00:06:29,975
That's when he's gonna
bite down harder.
156
00:06:30,055 --> 00:06:32,845
Okay, well, I will...
make an effort this time to...
157
00:06:33,145 --> 00:06:36,085
really try and be
as calm as possible
158
00:06:36,425 --> 00:06:38,165
even though it is
very difficult to be calm
159
00:06:38,525 --> 00:06:40,295
when you're in the lion's den.
160
00:06:40,335 --> 00:06:42,725
Or should I say the doggie den?
You know what I mean?
161
00:06:42,795 --> 00:06:44,495
Oh, [bleep]!
162
00:06:44,565 --> 00:06:47,095
Oh, [bleep]!
This dog is eating my junk!
163
00:06:47,165 --> 00:06:48,705
He's eating my junk!
No!
164
00:06:48,765 --> 00:06:51,095
Oh, [bleep]!
He's got my junk!
165
00:06:51,125 --> 00:06:52,975
Aghh! Oh, my God!
Get him off me!
166
00:06:57,495 --> 00:06:59,165
- That's, uh...
- You don't even know...
167
00:06:59,165 --> 00:07:00,165
Oh, boy.
168
00:07:00,235 --> 00:07:03,805
Until you've seen a dog go after
Keegan-Michael Key's testicles
169
00:07:03,845 --> 00:07:05,485
Four takes in a row.
170
00:07:06,015 --> 00:07:08,225
And this...
I love you came into that day cocky.
171
00:07:08,305 --> 00:07:11,185
I couldn't wait. I was like,
"Let him go, let him do it!"
172
00:07:11,245 --> 00:07:13,235
- He's like,
"I got the [bleep] suit on.
173
00:07:13,285 --> 00:07:13,985
- Oh, man.
174
00:07:13,985 --> 00:07:15,285
"He's not gonna be able
to penetrate."
175
00:07:15,355 --> 00:07:18,705
Well, this whole area
was protected seven-fold.
176
00:07:19,045 --> 00:07:22,265
So...I didn't feel anything
when the dog was there.
177
00:07:22,325 --> 00:07:24,725
It's when I fell on the ground...
And they said,
178
00:07:24,785 --> 00:07:27,005
"Let him go at it again while
Keegan's laying on the ground.
179
00:07:27,075 --> 00:07:28,075
"Let him get in there
and get the crotch."
180
00:07:28,075 --> 00:07:29,025
"Just get in there!"
181
00:07:29,035 --> 00:07:30,475
- And that dog came
right in here, went bip!
182
00:07:30,485 --> 00:07:31,715
and got my thigh.
183
00:07:32,775 --> 00:07:34,315
And our magic word was "Uncle."
184
00:07:34,415 --> 00:07:36,765
No one has ever said the word
"uncle" faster in their life.
185
00:07:36,815 --> 00:07:40,185
I was like, "Ah! Ah!
Uncle-uncle-uncle-uncle-uncle!
186
00:07:40,615 --> 00:07:41,985
"That's real! It's real!
It's real, it's real!"
187
00:07:42,055 --> 00:07:43,525
- And then... you wanna know some...
- It's real!
188
00:07:43,585 --> 00:07:45,475
You wanna know
some really scary [bleep]?
189
00:07:45,515 --> 00:07:47,675
That dude that owned the dog...
My man said,
190
00:07:47,795 --> 00:07:50,265
"Stop, stop, stop!
Nein!"
191
00:07:52,665 --> 00:07:55,965
- This dog said...
- That dog was like...
192
00:07:56,035 --> 00:07:57,305
That dog came up...
193
00:08:05,235 --> 00:08:07,695
I think that I'm the worst
Halo player in the world.
194
00:08:07,715 --> 00:08:08,725
You are
the worst Halo player.
195
00:08:08,765 --> 00:08:10,635
I'm the worst Halo player
in the world. I played with my brother.
196
00:08:10,635 --> 00:08:11,815
I realize I shouldn't have
brought that up.
197
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:12,985
Remember when my brother
came over that one time?
198
00:08:13,025 --> 00:08:13,325
Yeah.
199
00:08:13,365 --> 00:08:14,825
We just spent 25 minutes just going,
200
00:08:14,865 --> 00:08:16,805
"Why don't you just go around
the backside of the cliff?
201
00:08:17,055 --> 00:08:19,695
"I can't find...
Just get out of my way then.
202
00:08:19,805 --> 00:08:21,895
"Well, how am I... There's a thing!
Don't shoot it! Shoot it!
203
00:08:21,965 --> 00:08:23,365
"Oh! I'm off the cliff!"
204
00:08:23,375 --> 00:08:25,715
You know, just fall off the cliff.
And then I...
205
00:08:25,785 --> 00:08:28,485
- You know, then I'd reanimate.
- Just two grown-ass men.
206
00:08:28,555 --> 00:08:30,975
Just two grown men who just
reverted to eight-year-olds.
207
00:08:35,430 --> 00:08:37,180
So you can say
as much as you want.
208
00:08:37,220 --> 00:08:39,370
But you can't say
the name of the celebrity
209
00:08:39,420 --> 00:08:41,080
or any part of their name,
got it?
210
00:08:41,110 --> 00:08:42,240
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we got it.
211
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:43,850
- We got it.
- You are so gonna lose.
212
00:08:43,900 --> 00:08:44,970
Baby, you are going down.
213
00:08:44,970 --> 00:08:46,770
Why don't you start the timer
and be amazed?
214
00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:49,060
And... go.
215
00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:53,080
Okay, this guy...
"E" equals MC squared.
216
00:08:53,210 --> 00:08:54,620
- Albert Einstein.
- Yes, that is correct.
217
00:08:54,670 --> 00:08:55,990
What?
That's easy. Hello?
218
00:08:56,010 --> 00:08:58,140
Okay, this is the Terminator.
219
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,080
- Arnold Schwarzenegger!
- Yeah!
220
00:09:00,150 --> 00:09:01,310
Okay, we got... we got...
221
00:09:01,370 --> 00:09:03,440
Talking about, uh...
"Are you talking to me?"
222
00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:06,000
- Robert De Niro!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
223
00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:07,280
All right.
All right.
224
00:09:07,300 --> 00:09:09,900
This person pretend to be
straight but he's really gay.
225
00:09:10,030 --> 00:09:11,090
Me!
226
00:09:16,700 --> 00:09:18,394
Uh, uh... he is, uh...
227
00:09:18,930 --> 00:09:20,740
Excuse me.
He's living la vida loca.
228
00:09:22,430 --> 00:09:23,240
Me.
229
00:09:23,460 --> 00:09:24,420
- It's...
- No.
230
00:09:24,740 --> 00:09:27,040
- Okay.
- He's a, um...
231
00:09:27,110 --> 00:09:28,610
Latin pop star.
232
00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:30,570
I'm not a Latin pop star.
233
00:09:30,610 --> 00:09:32,730
No, you are not.
It's not you.
234
00:09:33,380 --> 00:09:34,920
"He bangs, he bangs."
235
00:09:34,980 --> 00:09:37,980
- Oh, Ricky Martin.
- That is correct.
236
00:09:38,250 --> 00:09:39,690
I wrote that one too.
237
00:09:42,100 --> 00:09:43,970
Tyrell about to come
out here right now.
238
00:09:43,980 --> 00:09:45,900
- 'sup, ladies?
- Watch this, watch this.
239
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,430
Yo, Tyrell.
240
00:09:47,500 --> 00:09:48,750
Yo, what up, Lawrence?
241
00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:50,170
Hey, man, you wanna play
front hand, back hand?
242
00:09:50,210 --> 00:09:52,080
- I don't know that game, man.
- It's easy, dog.
243
00:09:52,130 --> 00:09:54,440
All you gotta do is say
"front hand" or "back hand."
244
00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:56,440
- Aight, front hand.
- Ugh!
245
00:09:58,110 --> 00:09:59,820
Bam! I got you, sucka!
246
00:10:02,550 --> 00:10:05,330
Oh, okay. Okay.
I see how it is now.
247
00:10:05,380 --> 00:10:08,070
Come on, man. Come on.
You know that [bleep] was funny]
248
00:10:08,170 --> 00:10:10,380
- Back hand.
- Huh?
249
00:10:10,390 --> 00:10:13,890
It's still my move, right?
I choose back hand this time.
250
00:10:14,650 --> 00:10:17,620
- Really?
- Back hand, [bleep]!
251
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,500
Uh...
252
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:23,008
Oh!
253
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:25,780
- God damn!
254
00:10:27,010 --> 00:10:29,780
Look, Ty, I'm sorry,
but I ain't sorry. Know what I mean?
255
00:10:29,790 --> 00:10:33,710
I mean, you asked for it.
I mean, you literally asked for it.
256
00:10:34,220 --> 00:10:35,440
Front hand!
257
00:10:35,510 --> 00:10:37,540
What? No.
Why you wanna hit...
258
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:39,510
I... got it!
I figured it out.
259
00:10:39,660 --> 00:10:42,210
Front hand!
No, back hand! Back hand!
260
00:10:42,290 --> 00:10:43,500
No, look, look.
Dude... Hey...
261
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:46,100
If you want me to slap you
across the face back hand, I'll do it.
262
00:10:46,150 --> 00:10:47,570
Okay?
Don't think I won't do it.
263
00:10:47,570 --> 00:10:48,950
But you know that
I'm [bleep] with you, right?
264
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:51,250
I mean, there ain't no game
called "front hand, back hand."
265
00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:54,480
- Oh!
- Right. Yeah, yeah.
266
00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:57,470
Oh, dog!
Yeah, I get it. I get it.
267
00:10:57,500 --> 00:10:59,470
All right,
all right, all right.
268
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:02,640
As soon as I get good
at "front hand, back hand",
269
00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:04,140
you wanna stop playing.
270
00:11:04,180 --> 00:11:05,240
Play what, man?
271
00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:07,498
I made it up so I could
smack you in the face.
272
00:11:07,549 --> 00:11:09,779
I'm about to smack you
in the face
273
00:11:10,015 --> 00:11:12,245
as soon as it's my turn.
Back hand!
274
00:11:12,317 --> 00:11:13,846
There ain't no turns,
[bleep],
275
00:11:13,950 --> 00:11:15,254
'cause it ain't no game.
276
00:11:15,272 --> 00:11:16,601
You ain't got no game,
[bleep].
277
00:11:16,637 --> 00:11:17,636
Back hand!
278
00:11:17,950 --> 00:11:18,793
Aghh!
279
00:11:29,292 --> 00:11:30,421
Front hand.
280
00:11:31,670 --> 00:11:33,314
Look, I don't know
if you're [bleep] with me
281
00:11:33,362 --> 00:11:34,961
at this point or what...
282
00:11:35,762 --> 00:11:38,942
but I don't wanna...
smack a [bleep] no more.
283
00:11:42,422 --> 00:11:43,534
Where you going then?
284
00:11:43,549 --> 00:11:45,005
Okay, forfeit.
285
00:11:45,111 --> 00:11:48,885
Forfeit, [bleep], I win!
I win front hand, back hand!
286
00:11:48,926 --> 00:11:50,356
Okay.
Me and you.
287
00:11:50,426 --> 00:11:52,336
[bleep], me and you.
Me and you.
288
00:11:52,912 --> 00:11:54,680
Hmm?
Back hand.
289
00:11:58,890 --> 00:11:59,890
Ah!
290
00:12:06,670 --> 00:12:07,670
Oh!
291
00:12:09,832 --> 00:12:12,040
This November,
you gotta get out and vote!
292
00:12:12,752 --> 00:12:14,733
It's all about democracy,
y'all.
293
00:12:14,764 --> 00:12:17,258
Your vote gets counted with
the rest of the votes in the country
294
00:12:17,258 --> 00:12:19,654
and they get sent off
to the Electoral College.
295
00:12:20,079 --> 00:12:21,180
What's that?
296
00:12:21,250 --> 00:12:23,350
The Electoral College
are a bunch of officials
297
00:12:23,420 --> 00:12:24,790
who do the voting for us.
298
00:12:24,850 --> 00:12:26,450
So in case we elect
the wrong person,
299
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:28,420
they can fix that shiz!
300
00:12:28,490 --> 00:12:30,252
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up.
301
00:12:30,938 --> 00:12:33,833
- Who the hell are these people?
- Well, no one knows for sure,
302
00:12:33,869 --> 00:12:36,999
But whoever they is, they the folks
who actually do the real voting
303
00:12:37,028 --> 00:12:38,928
after we do our
pretend voting.
304
00:12:38,970 --> 00:12:40,070
Yeah!
305
00:12:40,140 --> 00:12:42,640
- Power to the...
- Hold the [bleep] on!
306
00:12:42,710 --> 00:12:44,770
You're telling me
our votes don't matter?
307
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:47,040
Our votes are like
suggestions.
308
00:12:47,110 --> 00:12:48,740
So this November, we should...
309
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,950
- Yeah!
- Dunk the vote!
310
00:12:58,064 --> 00:13:00,356
You know what I really hate?
When, uh...
311
00:13:00,555 --> 00:13:03,053
Girls be... it's usually
white girls to be honest.
312
00:13:03,128 --> 00:13:04,995
I don't mean to make it racial,
but it is. Sorry.
313
00:13:06,338 --> 00:13:09,868
White girls saying...
just dropping "awkward."
314
00:13:09,938 --> 00:13:11,368
"Awkward."
315
00:13:11,438 --> 00:13:13,819
Bitch, it wasn't awkward
till you said some [bleep].
316
00:13:19,359 --> 00:13:21,151
What... who are you
pointing at, sir?
317
00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:23,877
Oh, that's her?
She's doing the aw...
318
00:13:23,877 --> 00:13:25,163
- Did that happen yesterday?
- Same way.
319
00:13:25,163 --> 00:13:26,959
Same way.
320
00:13:27,005 --> 00:13:29,403
- And everybody was gonna let it go.
- Everyone was gonna let it go.
321
00:13:29,429 --> 00:13:31,671
- Everybody was gonna let it go.
- A moment of clarity.
322
00:13:31,671 --> 00:13:34,187
Oh, man. But she had to provide
a moment of clarity.
323
00:13:34,187 --> 00:13:36,205
She had to say...
"awkward."
324
00:13:38,155 --> 00:13:40,615
That is how black women do it,
with the little...
325
00:13:41,115 --> 00:13:43,415
- "Awkward."
- You ain't gon...
326
00:13:43,456 --> 00:13:47,256
I'm metaphorically
locking the car door on you.
327
00:13:48,682 --> 00:13:49,790
Bip.
328
00:13:51,024 --> 00:13:53,364
Tisket, tasket...
- This one back here.
329
00:13:53,395 --> 00:13:55,695
Green and yellow basket.
330
00:13:55,765 --> 00:13:57,274
- This is a limousine.
331
00:14:03,991 --> 00:14:05,973
Hello? Thanks for calling
Mario's Pizza.
332
00:14:06,077 --> 00:14:08,750
- This is carlos speaking.
- Allo.
333
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:12,661
We would like a large pie
334
00:14:12,703 --> 00:14:15,868
with pepperoni, pineapple,
and cheesy crust.
335
00:14:15,912 --> 00:14:19,252
Large pepperoni
with pineapple and cheesy crust.
336
00:14:19,455 --> 00:14:23,352
- We would also like
a large pie
337
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:27,333
with bacon, pineapple,
and... cheesy crust.
338
00:14:27,395 --> 00:14:29,912
Large bacon, pineapple,
with cheesy crust. Okay.
339
00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:31,605
Is that gonna complete
your order, sir?
340
00:14:31,608 --> 00:14:33,318
You know what?
Let me gauge the room.
341
00:14:33,350 --> 00:14:35,814
Uh, guys, are we gonna want
another pizza?
342
00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:37,706
Let me just... who's hungry?
Show of hands.
343
00:14:37,719 --> 00:14:40,709
Let me see 'em.
One, two, three...
344
00:14:40,726 --> 00:14:43,424
Keep' em up.
Four, five, six.
345
00:14:43,498 --> 00:14:47,111
- Ah, having a party. (chuckling)
- Yup. Pretty big one too.
346
00:14:47,158 --> 00:14:50,798
Come on, guys, keep 'em up.
Hugo? Summer? Hans? Fu?
347
00:14:50,828 --> 00:14:52,628
You know what,
let's play it safe.
348
00:14:52,842 --> 00:14:55,982
Let's get another pie
with ham, pineapple.
349
00:14:56,052 --> 00:14:57,590
All right, ham...
350
00:14:57,607 --> 00:14:59,307
Oh, are you guys gonna need
cheesy crust on the third?
351
00:14:59,435 --> 00:15:01,235
Good question.
I'll gauge the room.
352
00:15:01,323 --> 00:15:04,633
Hey, guys, do we want
cheesy crust on the third?
353
00:15:04,866 --> 00:15:06,476
Okay, yeesh.
354
00:15:06,478 --> 00:15:09,018
That is a resounding yes
355
00:15:09,059 --> 00:15:11,359
for cheesy crust on the third.
356
00:15:11,477 --> 00:15:13,773
Claire says you read her mind.
357
00:15:13,845 --> 00:15:15,515
Claire, huh?
I like that name.
358
00:15:15,699 --> 00:15:16,910
It's a good one.
359
00:15:17,013 --> 00:15:20,021
Oh, also, my boy Andy over here
360
00:15:20,068 --> 00:15:22,906
is saying you have something
called chicken poppers.
361
00:15:22,933 --> 00:15:25,330
- Is she cute?
- Uh, who's that and what now?
362
00:15:25,454 --> 00:15:27,268
- Claire.
- Oh.
363
00:15:29,099 --> 00:15:30,697
Her body's like a four.
364
00:15:36,293 --> 00:15:39,463
Ha, let's just say
she's kind of a big girl.
365
00:15:39,590 --> 00:15:41,047
That's all good.
366
00:15:41,060 --> 00:15:43,864
That's all superficial, man.
I like Claire for what's inside.
367
00:15:44,017 --> 00:15:46,048
- You don't even know Claire.
- Yo, but for real though,
368
00:15:46,101 --> 00:15:48,141
I feel like
I do know Claire, man.
369
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:50,304
Put me on the phone
with her.
370
00:15:51,531 --> 00:15:53,129
Uh...
371
00:15:53,609 --> 00:15:56,573
You don't need
to speak to Claire.
372
00:15:56,642 --> 00:15:57,854
No, I do.
373
00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:02,908
You know what,
I gotta level with you, man.
374
00:16:03,695 --> 00:16:06,292
I... [bleep] her.
375
00:16:06,738 --> 00:16:08,407
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
376
00:16:08,477 --> 00:16:11,237
I didn't mean to get
in between you guys.
377
00:16:11,278 --> 00:16:14,039
No, it's quite all right.
378
00:16:14,948 --> 00:16:16,692
'twas a while ago...
379
00:16:16,703 --> 00:16:18,398
Before she blimped up.
380
00:16:19,759 --> 00:16:21,729
My current girlfriend's Liv.
381
00:16:22,172 --> 00:16:26,041
Body, ten.
Face, ten.
382
00:16:27,698 --> 00:16:32,108
But anyway, Claire... Yeah.
I hit that, sexually.
383
00:16:32,813 --> 00:16:35,283
And, uh, as did my boy Hugo.
384
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:37,385
Hell, even Bobba got
some of that.
385
00:16:37,478 --> 00:16:41,018
So just wanted you to know,
used goods, used goods.
386
00:16:41,308 --> 00:16:43,282
So you wouldn't care
if I asked her out?
387
00:16:43,895 --> 00:16:45,403
Well...
388
00:16:46,481 --> 00:16:47,965
Let me do it for you.
389
00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:49,933
Hey, Claire, this guy from
the pizza place wants to date you.
390
00:16:49,974 --> 00:16:51,843
Too poor? All right,
I'll let him down easy.
391
00:16:51,892 --> 00:16:53,534
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No.
392
00:16:55,659 --> 00:16:59,059
Tell her that, no,
I'm not a rich man.
393
00:16:59,130 --> 00:17:01,530
But I'm a good man.
Tell her,
394
00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:03,808
"Claire, I believe in destiny.
395
00:17:03,839 --> 00:17:07,203
"and I believe
that we've always known
396
00:17:07,267 --> 00:17:09,298
"that our soul mate
was out there.
397
00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:12,393
"The moment that we had
that unspoken connection
398
00:17:12,438 --> 00:17:14,308
"about the cheesy crust...
399
00:17:14,784 --> 00:17:17,184
"I realized that you were
always the one.
400
00:17:17,518 --> 00:17:21,015
"Because... and I know
this sounds corny...
401
00:17:22,087 --> 00:17:24,228
"but that moment...
402
00:17:24,983 --> 00:17:26,484
"was just like...
403
00:17:28,457 --> 00:17:29,828
"simple."
404
00:17:35,551 --> 00:17:36,368
Wow.
405
00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:38,898
You really do care
about Claire.
406
00:17:40,866 --> 00:17:42,383
I do.
407
00:17:43,436 --> 00:17:45,353
Oh, my God!
Claire just got shot!
408
00:17:45,395 --> 00:17:46,706
- What? No!
- Oh!
409
00:17:46,722 --> 00:17:48,355
Oh! It just came through the window.
It was a bullet.
410
00:17:48,380 --> 00:17:49,578
It hit her in the neck. Oh...
411
00:17:49,594 --> 00:17:51,224
Claire's down!
She's dead!
412
00:17:51,264 --> 00:17:53,301
She's dead! I'm calling the cops!
She's dead!
413
00:17:53,488 --> 00:17:56,038
Claire!
Noooo!
414
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:05,530
Chinese it is.
415
00:18:10,193 --> 00:18:13,124
One thing that fascinates us
is that like any movie
416
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:16,650
- like The Help or...
- Glory.
417
00:18:17,064 --> 00:18:19,094
We call 'em like
"white man's burden" movies,
418
00:18:19,121 --> 00:18:20,197
'cause you know...
419
00:18:20,404 --> 00:18:22,204
White people go see
these movies,
420
00:18:22,230 --> 00:18:23,652
and then they come out
and they're like,
421
00:18:23,682 --> 00:18:26,891
"racism is alive!
Face it in the eyes!
422
00:18:29,163 --> 00:18:32,689
"Racism's still here
and I'm not taking it anymore!"
423
00:18:33,938 --> 00:18:37,648
Like I need to do a Def Jam
white guy voice, right?
424
00:18:38,248 --> 00:18:41,346
It's like Def Jam white guy
bordering on Jimmy Stewart.
425
00:19:03,907 --> 00:19:06,733
- Are you Ms. Tubman?
- The name's Harriet.
426
00:19:07,177 --> 00:19:08,547
Well, thank God in heaven
427
00:19:08,576 --> 00:19:10,176
for the work
that you're doing, Harriet.
428
00:19:10,759 --> 00:19:15,258
Before you thank me,
let me tell you.
429
00:19:15,276 --> 00:19:18,060
I've led hundreds of slaves
to freedom
430
00:19:18,092 --> 00:19:20,948
through this here
underground railroad.
431
00:19:22,391 --> 00:19:26,291
But it ain't gon' be easy.
Are you ready?
432
00:19:28,113 --> 00:19:29,943
All right.
433
00:19:30,301 --> 00:19:32,358
Then hike up your breeches
434
00:19:32,422 --> 00:19:36,286
and follow me to freedom!
435
00:19:55,645 --> 00:19:57,785
Watch this, black molasses!
436
00:20:12,159 --> 00:20:14,159
Well, where is she now?
437
00:20:18,046 --> 00:20:19,986
That was the easy part.
438
00:20:20,045 --> 00:20:21,271
Now stay close.
439
00:20:21,304 --> 00:20:24,451
This next 500 miles
gets a little sticky.
440
00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:26,580
Ah!
441
00:20:28,701 --> 00:20:31,728
Forget this, man.
I'm going back.
442
00:20:40,431 --> 00:20:42,701
Thank you.
443
00:20:45,741 --> 00:20:47,411
Thank you so much, everybody.
444
00:20:47,553 --> 00:20:50,396
Everybody, thank you so much.
You've been a great audience...
445
00:20:50,422 --> 00:20:53,122
sexually, so...
446
00:20:53,315 --> 00:20:55,915
Good night!
Good night. Take care.
447
00:21:00,191 --> 00:21:02,761
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
448
00:21:02,872 --> 00:21:04,702
Oh, yeah.
33643
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