All language subtitles for Key & Peele - S02E03 - Puppy Dog Ice-T Bluray-720p.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:19,098 --> 00:00:21,279 Bro. 2 00:00:22,107 --> 00:00:23,534 What? 3 00:00:26,980 --> 00:00:30,237 Yeah. [bleep] yeah, bro. 4 00:00:30,269 --> 00:00:32,819 - How awesome is this? - It's cool. 5 00:00:33,811 --> 00:00:35,809 [bleep] yeah, it is. 6 00:00:37,787 --> 00:00:40,468 Hit it. Hit it. Hit it. Hit it. Yeah. 7 00:00:40,967 --> 00:00:43,420 Dude... Synchronize. Synchronize. 8 00:00:43,531 --> 00:00:46,742 Yeah, there it is. Now we're doing it. 9 00:00:46,742 --> 00:00:49,772 Now we're doing it. Now we're doing it. 10 00:00:50,243 --> 00:00:53,428 ♪ Doing it with my bro Doing it with my bro ♪ 11 00:00:53,793 --> 00:00:57,464 ♪ I love every second Of doing it with my bro ♪ 12 00:00:57,579 --> 00:01:01,150 - It's... It's pretty awesome. - Can you believe it? 13 00:01:01,228 --> 00:01:03,225 Can you just...? 14 00:01:03,999 --> 00:01:07,586 Yo. Yo. Right there, man. Just give me five, man. 15 00:01:07,703 --> 00:01:10,140 Give me five, bro. 16 00:01:10,885 --> 00:01:13,828 Come on, that's [bleep] pussy[bleep]. Come on. 17 00:01:13,888 --> 00:01:15,885 Come on. 18 00:01:16,055 --> 00:01:17,888 - Oh, you're with me now. - You know... 19 00:01:17,948 --> 00:01:19,945 - You are with me now. - That's disturbing. 20 00:01:20,005 --> 00:01:22,108 Keep 'em locked. Keep 'em locked. 21 00:01:24,339 --> 00:01:26,116 - Mm-mm. - Give it back 22 00:01:26,176 --> 00:01:28,420 Get your... Get... 23 00:01:28,618 --> 00:01:31,422 Aah! Oh! 24 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:35,010 Dude ! How we gonna break the world record 25 00:01:35,098 --> 00:01:37,095 if you can't keep it up? 26 00:02:02,478 --> 00:02:04,475 Lock it. 27 00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:08,397 Keep it locked. Keep it locked. 28 00:02:11,913 --> 00:02:15,106 - Ew! Shame on you! - Shame on you! 29 00:02:15,303 --> 00:02:17,300 - Shame on all of you! - Shame on you! 30 00:02:19,939 --> 00:02:23,354 Thanks and welcome to the show I am Keegan-Michael Key. 31 00:02:23,415 --> 00:02:25,412 - I am Jordan Peele. - And we are Key and Peele. 32 00:02:25,445 --> 00:02:27,442 So thank you for coming. 33 00:02:31,289 --> 00:02:33,620 I see race in just about... in everything. 34 00:02:33,676 --> 00:02:35,900 - Mm-hm. - Like, I just... I just do that. 35 00:02:35,914 --> 00:02:38,343 Like, if somebody asks, "You want cream in your coffee?" "Why?" 36 00:02:38,403 --> 00:02:41,272 - Yeah. Yeah. - "Why, mother[bleep]? Why would I?" 37 00:02:42,182 --> 00:02:44,179 You ever have a white dude come up to you talking about, 38 00:02:44,267 --> 00:02:46,264 "Hey, man, dude, I know. 39 00:02:46,517 --> 00:02:48,514 "King Kong? That [bleep] is racist." 40 00:02:49,397 --> 00:02:50,928 - Have you had this? - I've had that. 41 00:02:50,934 --> 00:02:52,932 Dude, I was like, "What? Is it racist? I don't even think..." 42 00:02:52,964 --> 00:02:55,656 He's like, "Think about it, man. It's a bunch of white dudes 43 00:02:55,716 --> 00:02:58,074 that go to an island, all these aborigines..." 44 00:02:58,157 --> 00:03:00,154 - I'm like, "Okay." - All right, I'm with you so far, yeah. 45 00:03:01,395 --> 00:03:03,162 "Then a big black gorilla comes 46 00:03:03,233 --> 00:03:05,481 "and starts [bleep] around with white girls in New York." 47 00:03:05,569 --> 00:03:07,438 "Whoa! What the [bleep]? 48 00:03:08,268 --> 00:03:10,602 "That's your [bleep], man! What? 49 00:03:11,818 --> 00:03:13,815 "You're racist, bitch! What the..." 50 00:03:15,778 --> 00:03:18,314 Hey, all I know is it's good having another brother 51 00:03:18,342 --> 00:03:21,097 - move into the neighborhood. - Hey man, it's good to have you over. 52 00:03:21,346 --> 00:03:23,343 And I think that you will dig this. 53 00:03:23,454 --> 00:03:25,451 All right! 54 00:03:25,950 --> 00:03:27,948 - Hey! - Huh? 55 00:03:28,253 --> 00:03:30,616 - Nice guitar collection. - Oh, thanks, man. 56 00:03:30,727 --> 00:03:33,180 - Hey, you wanna hear something? - Yeah, sure. 57 00:03:33,291 --> 00:03:35,688 All right, all right. All right, let's get this started. 58 00:03:35,688 --> 00:03:37,685 Let's get this started. 59 00:03:38,905 --> 00:03:41,801 ♪ Well, I'm just a good old American boy ♪ 60 00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:44,855 ♪ With a heart that's red, white, and true ♪ 61 00:03:46,182 --> 00:03:49,110 ♪ I'm dreamin' of a girl with the red hair and freckles ♪ 62 00:03:49,176 --> 00:03:51,511 ♪ And her eyes like the skies of blue ♪ 63 00:03:52,314 --> 00:03:54,612 - Country music. - Yeah, I grew up in Texas. 64 00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:56,469 - You know, so... - All right. 65 00:03:56,746 --> 00:03:59,742 ♪ Keep her safe from the homies in the wrong side of town ♪ 66 00:04:07,802 --> 00:04:10,955 ♪ 'cause that's the American way ♪ 67 00:04:13,024 --> 00:04:15,669 - Woo-hoo! - Whoas. 68 00:04:16,695 --> 00:04:18,692 Pretty racist song. 69 00:04:18,943 --> 00:04:20,530 Racist? Against who? 70 00:04:21,251 --> 00:04:25,309 - Black people. - Black people? But I'm black. 71 00:04:25,439 --> 00:04:28,653 Well, "keeping the redheaded girl away from the homies 72 00:04:28,712 --> 00:04:30,710 - "on the wrong side of town"? - "Homies"? 73 00:04:30,766 --> 00:04:32,596 Come on, brother. There's all kinds of homies. 74 00:04:32,679 --> 00:04:35,093 You know, white homies, Asian homies... 75 00:04:36,202 --> 00:04:37,811 No, homies are black. 76 00:04:37,894 --> 00:04:41,158 No, I think you're making them black. I think that's your stuff. 77 00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:44,863 You hear the twang, and then you assume that it's racist. 78 00:04:45,112 --> 00:04:47,303 But that's just what country music is like. 79 00:04:47,609 --> 00:04:49,856 Hey, look, you're gonna love this one. You'll like this one. 80 00:04:49,967 --> 00:04:50,834 All right. 81 00:04:53,307 --> 00:04:56,442 ♪ Some folks wear their hats way off to the side ♪ 82 00:04:56,442 --> 00:04:59,022 ♪ With their pants down low and a gun tucked inside ♪ 83 00:04:59,106 --> 00:05:02,000 ♪ Take their beer by the 40 and their chicken deep-fried ♪ 84 00:05:02,057 --> 00:05:05,316 ♪ I think we all know who we're talking about ♪ 85 00:05:06,647 --> 00:05:09,789 ♪ The only dark I like is when I turn off the lights ♪ 86 00:05:09,817 --> 00:05:12,700 ♪ The only hood I love is pointy and white ♪ 87 00:05:12,756 --> 00:05:15,654 ♪ Can't trust you if I can't see your face at night ♪ 88 00:05:15,737 --> 00:05:18,172 ♪ I think we all know who we're talking about ♪ 89 00:05:18,728 --> 00:05:22,113 All right, wait. Hey! Stop that. That's racist. 90 00:05:22,362 --> 00:05:24,029 What's what? What is racist about it? 91 00:05:24,168 --> 00:05:27,097 "The only hood I love is pointy and white"? 92 00:05:27,208 --> 00:05:30,013 - Yeah, man. - That's talking about the Klan, man. 93 00:05:30,790 --> 00:05:34,589 The Ku Klux Klan? Are you outside of your mind? 94 00:05:34,784 --> 00:05:37,404 That's traditional country music imagery, man. 95 00:05:37,432 --> 00:05:39,929 Like a pick-up truck, or sleeping under the stars, 96 00:05:40,234 --> 00:05:42,835 or your dog got killed, or your wife left you. Same thing! 97 00:05:42,973 --> 00:05:45,248 I would have been fine with any of those things. 98 00:05:45,325 --> 00:05:47,773 What is the difference between those things and what is in the song? 99 00:05:47,828 --> 00:05:49,055 They're not racial. 100 00:05:49,138 --> 00:05:51,898 Hey, you know what? Can I just say something, man. I'm just gonna be frank. 101 00:05:52,897 --> 00:05:55,224 You're getting a little, like, Al Sharpton, like... 102 00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:57,277 - Oh, my... - Farrakhan on me right now. 103 00:05:57,305 --> 00:05:59,303 Oh, my God. Are you serious? 104 00:05:59,331 --> 00:06:02,034 Yo, dude, dude, please. Hey, can I do one more? 105 00:06:02,117 --> 00:06:03,608 Let me just do one more, dog. 106 00:06:03,826 --> 00:06:06,578 I absolutely promise you that this song 107 00:06:06,828 --> 00:06:08,101 is not racist, 108 00:06:08,295 --> 00:06:11,736 and it's impossible for you to misinterpret it as such. 109 00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:17,011 Okay, it seems like you're about to sing the most racist song so far. 110 00:06:17,178 --> 00:06:18,231 I'm not. 111 00:06:20,367 --> 00:06:22,676 ♪ Hidey-lidey-lidey-lidey-lee ♪ 112 00:06:22,759 --> 00:06:25,148 ♪ Get me a rope and find me a tree ♪ 113 00:06:25,426 --> 00:06:27,086 Okay, I'm out. 114 00:06:28,278 --> 00:06:30,275 Come on, man. Hey! Shoot. 115 00:06:30,775 --> 00:06:33,077 I'm over here trying to sing about a tire swing. 116 00:06:34,741 --> 00:06:36,599 Gonna write off an entire genre of music. 117 00:06:37,626 --> 00:06:38,565 (playing guitar) 118 00:06:38,593 --> 00:06:42,254 ♪ The banjos are strumming, and the drums are a-bangin' ♪ 119 00:06:42,307 --> 00:06:46,088 ♪ Let's get the boys together and have ourselves a hangin' ♪ 120 00:06:46,115 --> 00:06:47,770 Oh, damn. 121 00:06:48,019 --> 00:06:51,988 Now I see it. Now I see it. 122 00:06:55,456 --> 00:06:56,901 Good evening, my fellow Americans. 123 00:06:56,929 --> 00:06:59,217 With me, as always, is my anger translator, Luther. 124 00:06:59,273 --> 00:07:01,602 - Hi. - Now, after the last debate, 125 00:07:01,713 --> 00:07:04,966 I was criticized for... not showing enough emotion. 126 00:07:05,103 --> 00:07:08,316 I should've been on that stage! Oh, my God! Mitt! 127 00:07:08,373 --> 00:07:12,005 If I was a Siberian tiger, your ass would've been Roy! 128 00:07:12,033 --> 00:07:13,614 Str-r-aight up! 129 00:07:13,780 --> 00:07:15,991 I was faulted for a lack of 130 00:07:16,074 --> 00:07:19,562 "pithy retorts" or "zingers." 131 00:07:19,756 --> 00:07:21,326 But we can do better than that. 132 00:07:21,519 --> 00:07:25,152 Witty responses are not going to resolve this nation's deficit. 133 00:07:25,319 --> 00:07:27,841 How you gonna fire Sesame Street? 134 00:07:27,897 --> 00:07:31,505 One of these mother[bleep] already lives in a trash can! Zing! 135 00:07:31,561 --> 00:07:33,783 And a one-liner is not going to solve 136 00:07:33,839 --> 00:07:35,471 the problems we have with our tax code, 137 00:07:35,471 --> 00:07:38,986 which my opponent seems to have entirely changed his position on. 138 00:07:39,069 --> 00:07:42,299 This mother[bleep] gets more reboots than Spider-Man! 139 00:07:42,577 --> 00:07:43,982 And boom, goes the dynamite. 140 00:07:44,093 --> 00:07:47,175 I look forward to a debate based on substance, 141 00:07:47,591 --> 00:07:49,727 - not on zingers. - I got a Mormon zinger! 142 00:07:49,838 --> 00:07:51,609 "Take my wives, please!" 143 00:07:51,665 --> 00:07:54,548 Ooh-ho-ho, [bleep]! I said "wives." 144 00:07:54,604 --> 00:07:56,264 Thank you, and good night. 145 00:07:56,375 --> 00:07:59,008 This message brought to you by the letter "Suck my" 146 00:07:59,008 --> 00:08:00,948 and the number "[bleep]." 147 00:08:00,976 --> 00:08:02,973 Ohh! 148 00:08:03,888 --> 00:08:05,885 Snap, America. 149 00:08:06,385 --> 00:08:07,929 Snap, indeed. 150 00:08:11,752 --> 00:08:14,474 All right, he knows I won't get dogs because it's basically like, it's like 151 00:08:14,696 --> 00:08:17,007 - buying a new grandparent. - Mm-hm. 152 00:08:17,035 --> 00:08:20,058 You know, you have to... you gotta feed them, you gotta take 'em on walks. 153 00:08:21,390 --> 00:08:23,750 They will look at you in the eyes while they're pooping. 154 00:08:26,969 --> 00:08:28,966 - I'm with you. - They drool, you know. 155 00:08:29,826 --> 00:08:31,823 [bleep] forgetful as [bleep]. 156 00:08:33,625 --> 00:08:36,853 All my dogs are shelter dogs because purebread dogs 157 00:08:36,881 --> 00:08:38,240 are stupid. 158 00:08:38,296 --> 00:08:39,134 Yeah? 159 00:08:39,177 --> 00:08:42,758 When you mix them, you get a thing that's commonly known as hybrid vigor. 160 00:08:43,146 --> 00:08:46,308 And what happens is all the best qualities of both dogs 161 00:08:46,364 --> 00:08:49,694 go into the one dog. Much like interracial people. 162 00:08:55,404 --> 00:08:57,266 Representing hybrid vigor. 163 00:08:58,801 --> 00:09:00,355 That should be our rap group right there. 164 00:09:00,383 --> 00:09:02,003 We should be "Hybrid Vigor." 165 00:09:02,031 --> 00:09:05,283 Hybrid vigor from a couple of hybrid [bleep]. 166 00:09:05,339 --> 00:09:07,759 Let's get hard. 167 00:09:12,256 --> 00:09:13,944 - Hey, babe. - Hi. 168 00:09:14,359 --> 00:09:17,473 Um, I made a really big decision without consulting you. 169 00:09:17,584 --> 00:09:21,948 I went by a puppy rescue stand 170 00:09:22,003 --> 00:09:23,777 on University Avenue. 171 00:09:23,833 --> 00:09:25,718 I had to. I had to. 172 00:09:25,773 --> 00:09:28,263 - You got us a dog? - Yeah, I did. 173 00:09:28,346 --> 00:09:30,343 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 174 00:09:31,619 --> 00:09:33,534 So, honey, I've gotta tell you something, okay? 175 00:09:33,922 --> 00:09:36,401 These rescue dogs have had some tough situations. 176 00:09:36,457 --> 00:09:38,091 - Oh. - And a lot of them take on 177 00:09:38,128 --> 00:09:40,588 the personality of their owners. 178 00:09:42,620 --> 00:09:44,617 was owned by rapper Ice-T. 179 00:09:46,143 --> 00:09:48,140 - All right, little buddy, come on out. - Aww. 180 00:09:51,969 --> 00:09:55,763 Oh, hello, my little darling. Oh! 181 00:09:55,922 --> 00:09:59,670 Man, [bleep] you. You, thuck my [bleep]. 182 00:10:00,169 --> 00:10:01,518 Thith house ain't [bleep]. 183 00:10:01,629 --> 00:10:03,431 Okay, buddy, take it easy. 184 00:10:03,459 --> 00:10:05,456 - A little testy. - [bleep] you, [bleep]. 185 00:10:05,734 --> 00:10:07,731 Nothin' ever been eathy for me in my life. 186 00:10:07,870 --> 00:10:09,312 Now, hook me up with a treat. 187 00:10:09,451 --> 00:10:11,112 - You want a treat, buddy? - You want a treat? 188 00:10:11,142 --> 00:10:13,306 Is that what you want? Here we go, sweetie. Here we go. 189 00:10:13,971 --> 00:10:16,656 Mm, yeah, that's a tathty-ass treat right there. 190 00:10:16,907 --> 00:10:19,970 - Now give me the whole bag. - Okay, one treat is enough. 191 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:21,997 Bitch, was I talking to you? 192 00:10:23,076 --> 00:10:25,712 Give me the whole bag of treats 'cause I'm a treat killer 193 00:10:25,745 --> 00:10:27,986 and a mother[bleep] handful. 194 00:10:28,431 --> 00:10:31,289 - Somebody's grumpy today. - Grumpy-wumpy. 195 00:10:31,816 --> 00:10:34,547 Lay my ass right up on this comfortable-ass thofa. 196 00:10:34,660 --> 00:10:37,794 (laughs) I'm gonna sleep on this bitch too, as a matter of fact. 197 00:10:37,906 --> 00:10:39,904 And you know what, mother[bleep] and bitch? 198 00:10:39,989 --> 00:10:42,563 - I'm gonna pith and [bip] up here too. - No! Oh, no! No, no, no! 199 00:10:42,593 --> 00:10:45,065 [bleep] you, man. Raise your hand at me. 200 00:10:45,315 --> 00:10:49,199 Okay, um, I've got something for you, little guy. 201 00:10:49,698 --> 00:10:53,225 Huh? Huh? You wanna play fetch? You wanna play fetch? You like fetch, huh? 202 00:10:53,227 --> 00:10:54,890 - Get that ball. - [bleep] you! 203 00:10:54,947 --> 00:10:56,944 Both y'all condescending mother[bleep] 204 00:10:57,001 --> 00:10:59,395 I ain't your entertainment, bitch. So [bleep] you! 205 00:11:00,964 --> 00:11:02,961 - Oh! - Get the door, okay? 206 00:11:05,394 --> 00:11:07,391 Well, hello. Who is this? 207 00:11:07,670 --> 00:11:09,861 Come on, Coco, don't worry about these mother[bleep]. 208 00:11:10,222 --> 00:11:11,519 That'th my bitch Coco. 209 00:11:11,632 --> 00:11:14,131 Oh, I forgot to tell y'all, she's gonna be living here too. 210 00:11:14,271 --> 00:11:16,547 Wow, okay, you got your little friend here. 211 00:11:16,632 --> 00:11:18,130 - Yeah... - Yeah, well you can... 212 00:11:18,215 --> 00:11:19,864 She can play here for a while, sure. 213 00:11:19,894 --> 00:11:21,195 - Puppy play date. - Yeah. 214 00:11:21,308 --> 00:11:23,447 Play date? We gonna have a [bleep] date. 215 00:11:23,532 --> 00:11:25,086 That's what we gonna have, bitch. 216 00:11:25,116 --> 00:11:26,533 Come here, bitch. (sniffing) 217 00:11:26,618 --> 00:11:28,615 - Oh, are you... - That's right 218 00:11:28,672 --> 00:11:30,117 Oh, no, don't do that. 219 00:11:30,174 --> 00:11:32,171 - Yeah, that's my shih tzu. - Oh, dear. 220 00:11:32,228 --> 00:11:34,869 Get the [bleep] out of here. It's about to get graphic in this bitch! 221 00:11:34,981 --> 00:11:37,459 - Oh boy. - How come you don't do that with me? 222 00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:39,151 - Honey, I told you. - He does it. 223 00:11:39,236 --> 00:11:41,150 I just want to keep this area clean. 224 00:11:49,311 --> 00:11:51,115 ♪ Baby, baby ♪ 225 00:11:51,503 --> 00:11:54,464 ♪ it looks like we're back together ♪ 226 00:11:55,210 --> 00:11:58,378 ♪ And it's like nothing had ever ♪ 227 00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:02,040 ♪ Torn us apart ♪ 228 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:05,917 ♪ Honey, honey ♪ 229 00:12:06,195 --> 00:12:09,400 ♪ We'll let bygones be bygones ♪ 230 00:12:13,657 --> 00:12:16,046 ♪ Gonna have a fresh start ♪ 231 00:12:19,087 --> 00:12:21,756 ♪ So tonight I'm gonna hit that ♪ 232 00:12:23,278 --> 00:12:26,454 ♪ Tonight I'm gonna hit that hit that ♪ 233 00:12:26,926 --> 00:12:30,706 ♪ Tonight I'm gonna hit that hit that hit that♪ 234 00:12:30,764 --> 00:12:33,126 ♪ And don't try to fight back ♪ 235 00:12:34,924 --> 00:12:36,556 ♪ Your feelings ♪ 236 00:12:37,137 --> 00:12:38,826 ♪ Sugar, sugar ♪ 237 00:12:39,326 --> 00:12:42,225 ♪ Just get into my car ♪ 238 00:12:43,278 --> 00:12:45,722 ♪ And I'll take you so far ♪ 239 00:12:46,830 --> 00:12:50,639 ♪ From where anyone can see ♪ 240 00:12:51,857 --> 00:12:54,101 ♪ Lover, lover ♪ 241 00:12:54,296 --> 00:12:57,105 ♪ Let's just walk and take it slow ♪ 242 00:12:57,686 --> 00:13:00,702 ♪ In crowded places so they'll know ♪ 243 00:13:01,754 --> 00:13:04,328 ♪ That you're back with me ♪ 244 00:13:07,176 --> 00:13:09,922 ♪ So tonight I'm gonna hit that ♪ 245 00:13:10,973 --> 00:13:14,149 ♪ Tonight I'm gonna hit that hit that ♪ 246 00:13:14,262 --> 00:13:16,066 ♪ Tonight I'm gonna hit ♪ 247 00:13:25,801 --> 00:13:29,518 I'm sorry. It was an involutory reaction. 248 00:13:44,092 --> 00:13:46,005 We grew up in this area where... 249 00:13:46,368 --> 00:13:49,141 Okay, there was blaxploitation in the '70s, 250 00:13:49,226 --> 00:13:52,030 and then when I was growing up it got into this zone where, 251 00:13:52,087 --> 00:13:55,037 like, all of a sudden, the black guy wasn't the cool guy 252 00:13:55,122 --> 00:13:57,119 - in the action movie anymore. - Oh right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 253 00:13:57,176 --> 00:14:00,397 All of a sudden it was, like, Mel Gibson was the [bleep] cool one. 254 00:14:00,526 --> 00:14:01,040 Right. 255 00:14:01,169 --> 00:14:03,184 And Danny Glover had to be like, you know... 256 00:14:03,269 --> 00:14:05,983 The fuddy-duddy family man, like "Get away from my daughter." 257 00:14:06,013 --> 00:14:07,283 - Right. - You know what I mean? 258 00:14:07,501 --> 00:14:08,875 Do you remember that Lethal Weapon? 259 00:14:08,932 --> 00:14:11,652 My man Mel Gibson would come in on Danny Glover 260 00:14:11,792 --> 00:14:13,789 and my man would be standing in the middle of the bathroom 261 00:14:13,874 --> 00:14:15,566 just embarrassing all black people. 262 00:14:17,258 --> 00:14:18,573 That's right. 263 00:14:18,630 --> 00:14:20,572 Rodge, Rodge, what's going on? 264 00:14:20,602 --> 00:14:21,908 Stay there. Stay there. 265 00:14:21,993 --> 00:14:23,677 Okay, I'm not coming in, Rodge. What's going on? 266 00:14:23,734 --> 00:14:26,683 Riggs, there's a bomb 267 00:14:26,879 --> 00:14:28,876 on my [bleep]. 268 00:14:31,060 --> 00:14:33,422 Gmail is what I'm on now. That's the uh... 269 00:14:33,561 --> 00:14:36,119 Okay, you get the most space for attachments. 270 00:14:36,614 --> 00:14:38,035 - Anyway. - Thank you. 271 00:14:38,147 --> 00:14:40,061 Feel free to hit me up if you remember that number 272 00:14:40,118 --> 00:14:41,803 I noticed you ain't write that down. 273 00:14:43,655 --> 00:14:47,142 Damn, damn, damn. That girl was fly, right? 274 00:14:47,199 --> 00:14:48,570 She all right. 275 00:14:48,604 --> 00:14:51,652 But did you see that Liam Neesons movie with them wolves, though? 276 00:14:51,792 --> 00:14:54,332 The one with them big-assed wolves and Liam Neesons in it? 277 00:14:54,391 --> 00:14:56,525 Man, Liam Neesons is my [bleep]! 278 00:14:56,665 --> 00:14:58,662 Oh, Liam Neesons straight jacked up them wolves, man. 279 00:14:58,747 --> 00:15:00,607 Man, he [bleep] them wolves up, man. 280 00:15:00,644 --> 00:15:01,464 - Yeah. - Shoot, man. 281 00:15:01,521 --> 00:15:03,497 Hey, and don't get even get me started on that one 282 00:15:03,526 --> 00:15:04,868 where they took his daughter. 283 00:15:04,952 --> 00:15:07,781 Straight Tooken, starring Liam Neesons! 284 00:15:07,810 --> 00:15:11,624 Man, Liam Neesons on the phone like, "I have a certain set of skills." 285 00:15:11,709 --> 00:15:13,199 Man, don't [bleep] with Liam Neesons! 286 00:15:13,256 --> 00:15:15,082 No, don't even try and be Russian around Liam Neesons. 287 00:15:15,139 --> 00:15:17,107 - He'll take your arm and... - Put some fractures in it. 288 00:15:17,463 --> 00:15:19,261 They killing him, man. And then... 289 00:15:19,346 --> 00:15:20,724 Oh, you see the second one, though? 290 00:15:20,784 --> 00:15:22,782 In the second one, the Russians come after him. 291 00:15:22,866 --> 00:15:24,527 And he [bleeps] them all up anyway. 292 00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:27,597 Tooken 2, starring the incomparable Liam Neesons. 293 00:15:27,737 --> 00:15:29,023 - Mm-hm. - That's my [bleep]. 294 00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:30,829 - What about Darkman, though? - No, uh. 295 00:15:31,274 --> 00:15:33,108 What about Liam Neesons in some Darkman, though? 296 00:15:33,221 --> 00:15:36,059 - No, man. [bleep]. - What about Darkman? 297 00:15:36,116 --> 00:15:38,392 When Liam Neesons' face was changing up, man? 298 00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:41,249 Homie was straight face-changing. 299 00:15:41,334 --> 00:15:43,783 Now that's just Liam Neesons acting right there, man. 300 00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:47,781 Straight up, I kid you not. Academy-Award caliber. Classic Neesons. 301 00:15:47,827 --> 00:15:51,323 Man, come on, seriously. I mean, like, Neesons already need to have a statue. 302 00:15:51,428 --> 00:15:53,426 - Liam Neesons ain't got no... - He ain't got no statue... 303 00:15:53,483 --> 00:15:55,037 He ain't got a statue. He ain't got a statue. 304 00:15:55,067 --> 00:15:57,098 No, no, no. 305 00:15:59,504 --> 00:16:02,170 The Oscar goes to Liam Neesons, Darkman. 306 00:16:02,255 --> 00:16:04,118 - [bleep] face was changing. - Mm-hm. Word! 307 00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:06,862 - How hard is that. - It ain't hard. It's not hard at all. 308 00:16:06,892 --> 00:16:08,610 - Damn! - It's stupid, man. 309 00:16:08,612 --> 00:16:10,306 Oh, oh! Battleship. 310 00:16:10,446 --> 00:16:12,443 Oooh! 311 00:16:16,589 --> 00:16:18,586 Bat-tle-ship. 312 00:16:19,086 --> 00:16:20,518 Oooh! 313 00:16:21,168 --> 00:16:23,797 - Battleship! - Oooh! Whoo! 314 00:16:23,913 --> 00:16:26,731 Liam Neesons straight killer a robot boat! 315 00:16:26,788 --> 00:16:29,594 Liam Neesons is my shiz-nit! 316 00:16:29,790 --> 00:16:31,283 Whoo! 317 00:16:31,588 --> 00:16:34,040 But do you know who I like as much as Neesons, though? 318 00:16:34,153 --> 00:16:36,150 As much as Neesons? Who? 319 00:16:36,318 --> 00:16:37,605 Bruce Willy. 320 00:16:45,665 --> 00:16:47,521 Bruce Willy is my [bleep]! 321 00:16:47,661 --> 00:16:51,447 But what if they made a movie with Liam Neesons and Bruce Willy? 322 00:16:53,639 --> 00:16:56,455 - Neesons and Willy? - Willy and Neesons. 323 00:16:56,457 --> 00:16:58,455 Harder, man. Harder! 324 00:16:58,567 --> 00:17:00,565 That would be... 325 00:17:01,202 --> 00:17:03,972 My sheeeeeeeee... 326 00:17:09,755 --> 00:17:11,752 - I don't know why. - Oh, man. 327 00:17:11,837 --> 00:17:13,692 Why do we love Liam Neeson so much? 328 00:17:13,749 --> 00:17:16,617 Yo, you know what you gotta... [bleep] Schindler's List, mother[bleep], 329 00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:19,457 Hey man, hey man. Can I tell you what's off the hook, though, dog? 330 00:17:19,487 --> 00:17:22,100 Ethan Frome, that's my jam right there. 331 00:17:22,185 --> 00:17:23,959 You ain't gone to the movies unless you've seen Husbands and Wives. 332 00:17:24,458 --> 00:17:26,455 [bleep] Woody Allen, mother[bleep]. Woody Allen. 333 00:17:31,274 --> 00:17:33,271 So, Steve Jobs. this is like, the... 334 00:17:33,411 --> 00:17:35,408 We're right aroung the year anniversary of his death. 335 00:17:35,438 --> 00:17:37,131 - Mm-hm. - Pioneer. Technological pioneer. 336 00:17:37,161 --> 00:17:38,722 - Can we agree on that? - Yes. 337 00:17:40,382 --> 00:17:44,275 Anybody lose their [bleep] iPad? You lost it? 338 00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:46,470 - I did. - Where did you lose it? 339 00:17:46,583 --> 00:17:47,628 Oakland, California. 340 00:17:47,658 --> 00:17:50,187 - Oh, in Oakland. - In Oakland. Okay. 341 00:17:50,272 --> 00:17:52,269 Oh, so you're never getting it back then. 342 00:17:53,343 --> 00:17:54,766 That's out of the question. 343 00:17:55,435 --> 00:17:58,118 My friend, you didn't lose it. Your ass got jacked, my friend. 344 00:17:58,175 --> 00:17:59,528 That's right. 345 00:18:05,358 --> 00:18:07,161 Mr. Cook, you're almost up. Are you ready? 346 00:18:07,246 --> 00:18:09,132 - Good. I'm good. - Okay. 347 00:18:09,244 --> 00:18:11,190 Really gonna need you to stick to the script on this one. 348 00:18:11,247 --> 00:18:14,084 I'm the C.E.O. of Apple, Willis. I'm not gonna do anything stupid. 349 00:18:14,114 --> 00:18:15,804 Please stop comparing me to Steve Jobs! 350 00:18:15,861 --> 00:18:18,273 No, but nobody's comparing you to Steve Jobs, okay? 351 00:18:18,386 --> 00:18:20,079 We just want you to focus on the products. 352 00:18:20,192 --> 00:18:22,189 And please stick to the script. Okay. 353 00:18:22,301 --> 00:18:23,780 You're on in three... 354 00:18:23,803 --> 00:18:26,251 They're gonna forget they ever heard the name "Steve Jobs". 355 00:18:27,385 --> 00:18:29,382 What up, Apple people? 356 00:18:30,852 --> 00:18:31,879 Yeah! 357 00:18:33,101 --> 00:18:34,072 Yeah! 358 00:18:34,956 --> 00:18:37,314 Well, now, the first thing that I'm gonna do 359 00:18:37,621 --> 00:18:40,495 is T.O.T.S. 360 00:18:40,662 --> 00:18:43,937 "Throw Out The Script." 361 00:18:46,605 --> 00:18:50,149 Now, I'm supposed to come out here 362 00:18:50,343 --> 00:18:53,969 and tell you about some bull[bleep] new iPhone, 363 00:18:54,054 --> 00:18:56,051 pad, dick, pussy [bleep]! 364 00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:58,133 You've seen it! 365 00:18:58,521 --> 00:18:59,454 Boring! 366 00:19:00,810 --> 00:19:03,340 Yes! That's exactly it. 367 00:19:04,364 --> 00:19:07,902 Now, let's just say this table right here... 368 00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:09,954 Let's say it's Bill Gates, huh?! 369 00:19:12,591 --> 00:19:14,258 Yeah! 370 00:19:18,606 --> 00:19:20,603 That's what I'm talking about. 371 00:19:20,743 --> 00:19:23,468 And let's say that this 372 00:19:23,887 --> 00:19:27,809 is our competitor's new smartphone. 373 00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:31,895 How about that? Huh? What? 374 00:19:35,773 --> 00:19:38,260 I am a major donkey dick. 375 00:19:38,373 --> 00:19:40,370 Whoo! Right? 376 00:19:40,952 --> 00:19:42,949 - And let's say that this right here... - Hey! 377 00:19:43,062 --> 00:19:45,169 this is one of our competitor's 378 00:19:45,310 --> 00:19:47,307 new e-book reader, huh? 379 00:19:47,614 --> 00:19:49,860 What about that? What? Uh-oh. 380 00:19:50,469 --> 00:19:53,630 Tut-tut. Wook's wike wain! 381 00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:55,872 Haaaa! 382 00:19:58,171 --> 00:20:00,168 Whoo! Whoo! 383 00:20:04,838 --> 00:20:06,163 Yeah! 384 00:20:07,263 --> 00:20:08,631 All right! 385 00:20:08,961 --> 00:20:10,133 Yes! 386 00:20:10,272 --> 00:20:13,437 Who wants to see some of that classified next-level [bleep]? Huh? 387 00:20:14,620 --> 00:20:16,871 Did Steve ever show you that classified [bleep]? 388 00:20:16,984 --> 00:20:18,042 No, he didn't. 389 00:20:18,210 --> 00:20:20,207 You can't do that. They haven't been tested yet. 390 00:20:20,264 --> 00:20:23,771 This device will allow you to teleport anywhere 391 00:20:23,884 --> 00:20:26,268 on the planet. Check this out! 392 00:20:26,435 --> 00:20:28,433 I am the Future! 393 00:20:37,947 --> 00:20:39,151 Whoo! 394 00:20:39,650 --> 00:20:41,647 Let's see Steve Jobs do that! 395 00:20:53,317 --> 00:20:55,314 - Good night, everybody. - Good night. 396 00:20:59,074 --> 00:21:02,194 ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪ 397 00:21:02,362 --> 00:21:04,359 Oh, yeah! 31036

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