All language subtitles for Key & Peele - S02E01 - Obama College Years Bluray-720p.eng

All right!

Yeah!

Thank you.

Thank you so much
for coming out.

I am Keegan-Michael Key.

- I am Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.

Thank you.

We're just gonna get it
out of the way and just say it.

So first thing's first.
We-- We met the President.

So [bleep] you.
So [bleep] you.

- We did. We met him!
- We met the President.

And it was amazing,

because he was cooler
than I thought he was gonna be,

He was taller
than I thought he was gonna be,

and he was more handsome
than I thought he was gonna be.

- Yes. He was--
- It was everything, you know?

- He was everything to me.
- He was everything--

He was unbelievable.

It was like,
I-I wouldn't have been happier

if I had found my real father.

Just beaming.

- Real--
- And the first thing--

the first thing he said to us
was he said-- he said,

"I know it's real hard
for a brother on TV."

It's real hard.

That was the first thing
out of his mouth. It's true.

I guess he saw
the Luther sketch.

You know, I don't know
if you guys remember...

the Obama, Luther
sketches that we did.

His anger translator.

That was awesome.

My [bleep].
That was my [bleep].

He's keeping
the secret service...

- on their toes.
- on their toes.

He goes to one of his aides,
he goes,

"Can I get some water?"
and goes, "Do we trust her?

"Do we trust..."

He says that
to the secret security.

- Oh, my God.
- She gives him her water.

My man goes like this.
He goes, "All right, thank you.

I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding."

He did that, yes.
Very funny guy.

Very funny guy.

But it was great,
'cause after the meeting,

What did he say to us?

He just gave us like--
He's on his way out,

And my man said
Like this...

"By the way,

don't let me
do anything too crazy."

(as Obama)
All right.

Everybody focus up. Look.

This party tonight
could be a model

for the way that the world
should work.

and I just want to say...

I'm totally stoked
to the max about it.

All right?
You guys feeling good?

Oh, Dennis, what,
are you shooting video?

Yeah, man.

All right, well,
Be careful with that.

I might run
for office someday.

Now, trust me,
I think that this party can be

the most inspirational party
this campus has ever seen.

Is that coming to me?

Let me just grab that.

That's some righteous bud.

Some righteous bud
we got going on there.

We need some bodacious
jock babes coming in.

We need some hot-ass
punk rock babes.

I-I-I don't care
where they come from.

The most important thing--
it's imperative

that we have a diversity
in the, uh...

pussy department.

Intercepted.

Don't sleep on Barry O.

Don't ever
sleep on Barry O.

Whoo!

That is some
major doobage.

Come now, Mary Magdalene.

Stand and be forgiven
for your sins.

But, Jesus,
how can I be forgiven?

I'm a prostitute.

No, child.

You were a prostitute.

That life is behind you now.

Mary Magdalene!
Where you at, bitch?

Oh, no, Jesus.

I think it's my pimp.
I think he found me.

There you are!

Man, took me forever
to find yo ass!

I been lookin'
all over for you!

You know how many bitches
named Mary there are up in here?

Now get your ass
in that caravan!

No!

No, I'm not
going with you, Galileroy.

I'm gonna
stay here with Jesus.

What the flip is this?

You washing
this [bleep] feet?

- Maybe.
- Well, I taught you that!

I rescued you
from that fishing village,

I cleaned you up
and got you out to work,

and now this is
how you repay me?

You go out and get yourself
another pimp?

Hell, no, brotha,
she's mine.

I don't think
you understand.

She's not going with you.

Well, I can't afford
to lose her.

I already lost three bitches
to leprosy, all right?

All I got left is Mary,
a cripple, and two blind chicks,

Who--

Actually, you know,
they get requested a lot.

Don't ask me how that works.

Get outta here!

I'm not going with you,
Galileroy.

I'm staying here with Jesus,
and I'm warning you,

Jesus has, like,
12 followers.

- Tell him.
- Oh, 12?

Pssh. Okay, all right, so this
Mother[bleep] a serious pimp.

No, my friend.
You're confused.

It's 12 men.

Uh, what--
what, you a gay pimp?

I'm not a pimp.
I'm a carpenter.

Carpenter?

Then why does your house
look like [bleep]?

I've been busy
with non-carpentry work.

Okay, that's it.
Bitch, pack your [bleep].

Get in the caravan
and make me some money.

No! And I don't
have any stuff to pack.

Jesus says
we don't need things.

- What the--
- Is this all about money?

Hell, yeah,
it's all about money, brotha.

I have a saying.
It goes like this.

- Oh, you're gonna love this.
- Shut up.

It's easier for a camel to
pass through the eye of a needle

than for a rich man
to enter the kingdom of God.

- Whew.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, I got a saying too.

It's eas-- You know,
why don't you pass your own--

pass your ass
through the need--

Man, [bleep] you, man.
Come on!

The girl stays.

- What?
- Oh!

Mother[bleep], I slap you,

and you want me
to hit you on the other cheek?

That ain't gangsta.

This [bleep] is crazy.

You can have him.
I'm done.

Wait, friend.

So you know that there are
no hard feelings,

would you care
to join us for dinner?

What y'all havin'?

And you're all going to Hell.
Okay.

Except for the Jews,
who are already going to Hell.

Okay.

So, uh--

You looked like
the Jack of Hearts...

in that sketch.

I know, I have that wig
at home. I have it at home.

Looked like Katt Williams
had a finger-roll moustache.

Crazy.

Um, so we, uh...

- we find the South fascinating.
- The South.

to say the le--

The southern part
of the United States of America.

And my favorite thing
about going down to the South

is that white people
will come up to you, and just,

"I just want to talk to you.
It's okay. We don't hate you."

- Yes. Yeah.
- "We don't hate you."

That's my experience
in the South.

White people go, "Hi, see this?
See what I'm doing?"

- What is-- What is that?
- It's fine. It didn't--

See, and I didn't even think
It was gonna rub-- I'm-- I'm fine.

- I'm sm-- I'm--
- I'm fine.

I'm smoking crack too.
It's good. We're good.

I'm smoking crack.

Look, I've--
I've stolen your purse.

- It's okay.
- It's all right.

I [bleep] your daughter.
I [bleep] your daughter, so...

I had sex with your
black daughter. It's okay.

- I desire her...
- All right.

as much as you desire--

So let's laugh
at some rednecks.

Okay, right on.
That's right. Here we go.

Men, as we launch
the counterattack

against the Union army,
we must remember

that even though we may die

a glorious death
on the battlefield,

we do so to preserve
a way of life.

The southern way of life.

A way of life
so pure and beautiful

that no man nor government
can take this away from us.

The right...

The right to preserve.

our own so--

to--

We a--
Oh, [bleep].

Well, hello there, Massa.
Sorry we late.

Shore didn't mean
to sneak up on ya, sir.

Look, fellas,
we're trying to have

a nice, little Civil War
reenactment here.

We don't want any trouble.

So are we, sir.

We-- we-- we trying to have
a real nice reenactment.

We certainly don't wanna cause
any trouble either.

Do we, Sam?

You always taught us

trouble only comes to those
who gone done lookin' for it.

So don't stop your speechin'
on our account.

As Jefferson Da-- Okay, I know
what you're doing. I get it.

What we doin', sir?

I don't know
what you talkin' 'bout.

Do you know
what he talkin' 'bout, Sam?

Why, we just here
to slave on about,

any ole which way
you want us to.

How many times
do I have to tell people,

just because we're dressed
like Confederate soldiers

doesn't mean
we're pro slavery?

We're just here to preserve

the pure and beautiful slice
of southern history.

Yeah, pure and beautiful...
slice.

Oh, lordy, lordy, lordy!
We sorry, boss!

Oh, we so sorry!

Please don't
give us the whip.

Okay, nobody's gonna whip
anybody, just stop it.

Yeah, just stop it.

All right, fellas, just--
just ignore 'em.

All right?

Now, we're here
to preserve our way of life.

- The South has a right to own--
- ♪ Oh, my Lord, Lord

The South
has a way of life--

- ♪ Oh, my Lord
- The Union cannot stop us fr--

♪ Oh, my Lord, Lord

♪ Oh, my Lord...

The Union Yankee bastards
cannot stop us--

♪ Oh, Lord!

All right, stop it!
Stop it! That's enough!

You wanna be part of this
reenactment?

Fine.
You're part of it.

Go-- Go fetch us some munitions
and everything else that--

Don't just stand there
like a bunch of lazy [bleep].

- That good enough for you?
- That is all I needed to hear.

Gentlemen,
give us your cash

and anything that is
an actual collector's item.

You racist mother[bleep].

Okay.
Don't have all day, man.

Okay, thank you.
Thank you.

Wallets, wallets,
wallets, wallets.

That's a very nice piece.

These are heavy.

Apartheid is totally gnarly.
It's a gnarly institution.

Where is the-- Dennis, Den--

There we-- Come here.
Get this, get this.

Okay, we-- we gotta have a system
in place to get everybody weed.

All right? So just watch--
This is how you're gonna do it.

All right, this-- this is--

I'm really [bleep] frosty
right now, by the way.

This is your Constitution,
all right?

It's just a piece of paper.

We gotta keep its integrity,

'cause it's gonna hold
everything together.

This right here...

This is us.
This is the American people.

We're special. We're magic.
Whoa, yay, we all live in here.

All right,
the most important thing

is that we don't
get too far apart.

Me and you, we--
we gotta be close.

that's--that's the magic
of America is love.

Otherwise, you're gonna
get air bubbles in there.

It's gonna start
canoeing and everything.

We don't want that,
All right? You get that?

All right, look.

I'm way ahead of you, bro.
I'm already done.

Boom, fireworks.
Fourth of July. That's for you.

We want like
a ton of these.

Oh, my God,
I'm so [bleep] blazed.

I'm so [bleep] high.

Oh, [bleep].
What was I saying?

Well, I just want
to talk about, real quick--

I just want to talk
about the fact

that reality shows-- they always
have to have a British judge.

Yes. Yes!

What the [bleep]
is that about?

Why? Why--

are we so obsessed
with the Revolutionary War

That we need a fobbish Brit
judging us every fu--

to tell us
what's right and wrong?

What the [bleep] is that?

I mean, that's a lo--
Hundreds.

We're talking
about the 18th century.

Looking down their no--
We won that war!

Why are they--
Why are they here?

Why do they own
all of our television shows?

I know, I know.

And-- and-- and I know--
I know that there's--

there's gotta be at least
one woman in this room

who had sex with a British guy
because of the way he talks.

Is that-- Are you out--
She's right in front of us.

She's right--

She ma-- You ma--
There he is, he's right there!

It's happening right here!
But I mean...

I don't see any British teeth
in this situation.

They just-- They look great.

They look great.
They look great!

We met B-Boy Joseph
in Atlanta, G.A.

Hi, Joseph.

(British accent)
All right. Yeah.

Start the music.

Has he started yet?

I think--
I'm pretty sure this is it.

♪

Thank you.

- Yeah, thank you.
- I ain't done yet, though.

- Thank you, Joseph.

It's--it's
definitely a no for me.

It's a no. I'm sorry.

No.

All right.
Thank you, Joseph.

Guys, you-- you know,

I ain't got no formal trainin'
or nothin' like that.

I live on the streets.

That was very apparent,
as it turns out, Joseph.

Thank you for coming.

Y-You know that my mama's
on drugs, and my daddy in jail.

It's not--
not really relevant.

Born in a coffee can
under a bridge.

That's terrible, Joseph.

That's-- That's awful,
but it's not going to--

My sister shot my brother
while my cousin beat my uncle.

- Now it's a lie.
- It's a little bit much.

Joseph, thank you
very much, but--

Put myself through school

by renting my body out
as a heroin suitcase.

- All right, I see what's going on.
- Wow.

Joseph, please, we--we do have
other dancers here today,

who are waiting their turn
very politely.

No, Joseph,
let her come onstage.

- Oh! Oh!
- Let her come-- No, Joseph.

If I win this competition, I
could put a roof over my house.

'cause I got a house ain't
got no roof. For real, though.

Joseph...

Just one little thing, though.

Don't do it, Joseph.

- It was a loud bridge.
- Don't finish that sen--

I got hearing damage
in this ear.

- Joseph!
- And also in this ear.

Joseph!

The bridge had--
had trucks go over it.

- Joseph.
- 'cause the bridge--

- Keep it.
- 15-ton--

Hold it.

Put it in your mouth.
And get off my stage.

Ra-- rated six.

- Joe...
- That's a big truck.

...seph.
Okay, Joseph, please.

And who is this?

Oh, who is this
right here?

This is my 12-year-old daughter,
who I raised all by myself

without the help of anybody else
in the entire world.

She is my inspiration.

Joseph,
it doesn't matter.

There's nothing
you can do or say

that's going to make us
change our minds today.

That right there, that right
there, that's her daughter.

She blind.
Come on.

So I raised them both by myself
without nobody else's help.

Come get
your ticket to Vegas.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- Vegas!
- Can you believe it?

I'm getting goosies over here.
I'm getting goosies. I-I am.

- You're an athletic guy.
- I do like to--

I like to, uh,
dabble in the athleticals.

You were-- I mean...

"athleticals."
What the [bleep] is--

(English accent) played
a little football in my day.

Do not play Scrabble
with this guy.

- He will just make [bleep] up.
- Yeah.

The athleticals.
I also hurdle, or hurdled.

- Oh, you got the hurdle on?
- Yup, yup.

You know the hurdle le--
I was teaching the hurdle.

- Yeah, yeah.
- It's all about the lead leg.

- Lead leg.
- Okay, now, now, now...

- Too much energ--
- Lead leg, lead leg.

- No, too much energy.
- And then you got-- you got...

- Trail leg, trail leg.
- Oh, boy.

Because a hurdle's not a jump.
Hurdle is not jumping.

- No more.
- Hurdling is--

It's exaggerated walking.
It's not jumping.

You get the lead leg going,
and then-- trail leg.

You gotta pull it over.

- All right.
- Lead leg.

Check this out.

You really only
wanna take three steps.

One, two, three, and jump.
One, two, three, lead leg.

All right, check this out.
Check this out. Check this out.

What a mind-blowing finish
to an incredible game tonight,

with Charlie Sanders
winning the game

in literally
the last second.

Unbelievable,
Truly spectacular.

Charlie Sanders,
how does it feel?

Hey, yo, I wanna say somethin'
to everybody watchin'.

Yo, you can do anything!
Anything's possible!

The world is yours!

And Charlie,
did you think that that game

was gonna end
that way tonight?

Yo, there are no limits,
all right?

You can swim
across the Atlantic.

You can jump real high
and touch the Moon!

Fantastic. Charlie Sanders,
Fresh off of his, uh, victory.

I just feel like he's ready
to touch the Moon.

I can fly!
Anybody can fly!

If you believe in yourself

the way I believe
in myself tonight,

you will fly!

And what's next for Charlie
Sanders and the orange--

Kids,
you can actually fly!

No-- No, not--
oh, not literally, of course.

Yes! Literally! Kids!

Young kids, I want you to go
up on your roofs right now!

- Wait, what?
- Fly into the night sky!

- Okay.
- People will see you flying!

And then you can do anything!
You can do anything!

Okay, well, we-- we-- we--
we just want to remind the kids

that of course,
you cannot actually fly, kids.

Yo, screw that
negativity, man!

Hey, boys and girls,
ages 8 through 12!

Yo, don't let nobody ever tell
you what you can and cannot do!

All the preteen children
out there, listen to my voice!

You are immortal!

Okay, well, obviously,
we understand that Charlie...

is super excited right now,

and that no one is actually
immortal, nobody at all.

Hey, kids!

You can turn yourself
into a car

and have a friend
drive you onto the freeway!

Okay, no-- Well, that's
just a metaphor, kids.

- It's not!
- Just a metaphor--

You still have the power
of childish innocence!

Get a friend on your back,

and make a beeline for the next
ramp to the freeway, y'all!

- Okay, don't do any--
- To the freeway!

He's speaking
figuratively, folks.

Once you get there, ain't
nothing figurative about this!

You will turn into a robot!

First and foremost,
I just want to say

to all the families
who lost children, I'm sorry.

My statements
were irresponsible.

I have subsequently
looked up

the terms "literally"
and "metaphorically,"

and found that whereas
I was not incorrect,

they did not mean
what I thought they meant.

But-- And that-- You know
another thing I love?

I love-- I love--
no athlete ever thanks his dad.

No.

Mom, I love you!
I love you, ma!

Mom, I love you, man!

Dad, where the [bleep]
were ya?

Where are you, Dad?

All right, ladies and
gentlemen, thank you very much.

Thank you so much
for coming.

♪ I'm gonna do my one line here

Oh, yeah.