All language subtitles for Its.Always.Sunny.in.Philadelphia.S07E10.How.Mac.Got.Fat.1080p.Bluray.x264-RCSW

Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.

It's been one week
since my last confession.

Okay, my son.

In the name of the Father,
Son and Holy Spirit,
what is your confession?

I'm fat.

O great and angry God,
I command thee
to smite my friends!

Now, calm down, son!
Calm down. Let's try
and remain composed.

Okay, Father, I'll try,
but I can't promise anything
'cause I'm pretty excitable.

Also, I'm super-pissed
because my friends
made me fat.

How did your friends
make you fat? Were they
force-feeding you?

Well, no, not exactly.

This whole thing started because
we became incredibly successful,

and then they became monsters,
which in turn made them
make me fat.

So, really, I'd like
to confess on them, because
they're sinners and pricks.

Son,
I don't think you understand
the purpose of confession.

Right. All right.
Sorry, Father.
You need the context.

Let me start at the beginning.

My friends and I
own and operate a bar
in South Philly,

and a few weeks ago,
we became more successful
than we ever have before.

It was insane.

Oh, oh, oh!

Look who's back!

I scored
a shitload of fireworks.

Out of my way, Frank.

Oh. Hey.
Whoa.

North Carolina.
What a hell of a state.

Not now, Frank.
We're packed.

What the shit
is going on around here?

I really don't get it.
I don't see how we're so popular now.

I just can't wrap my head
around this. Were we
doing anything different?

- Guys, we may have tipped.
- Uh-oh.

No, this is a good thing.
This is what happens
with success in business.

Hmm?
Okay, if you keep making
the right decisions over time,

eventually you will get
to a point where you tip
and you become successful.

- It's like that book,
The Tipping Point.
- I totally buy that!

Like, check out this decision.
I keep a very clean bar
every day, very tidy.

I think people respond to that.

They say, "What was that clean
bar I was at the other week?"
And then they show up again.

And then someone says,
"Hey, did you see that
clean bar? Let's go there."

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And my comedy, you know.

All my... All my funny jokes
and stuff that I throw out.

You know, I'm
like the cute,
funny waitress...

who has all these one-liners
and hilarious jabs
I throw at the customers,

and I add all that charm
to the place.

That's...
That's probably doing it.

Yeah, good-looking guy
like myself, takes pride
in his personal appearance,

takes pride
in his personal hygiene,
has great hair.

You put a guy like that
behind the bar, and people will
eventually flock to this man.

That-That's what
you're saying, yeah.
That's what you're saying.

- Sort of.
- I didn't think it was...

Look, the point is
that we gotta keep doing
what it is that we do.

No matter how
psychotically vain...
Right.

- or needy and pathetic or,
I mean, just plain sad.
- Right.

Let's not put labels on it,
'cause we don't know which one
is the one that is the most...

If we keep doing all of it,
then we will keep tipping up.

- Yes.
- Nice!

In order to maintain this
success, I do think though
we need to get some rest.

Let's do the right thing here
for once in our lives, go home
and get a good night's sleep.

But that sleep
would never come, Father,

because success was about
to change everything.

Hey, Charlie, you asleep?

Charlie.
Are you asleep?
No... No!

I had a great idea.
I don't want to hear it.

Frank, I'm
a successful man now.
Okay?

I need to maintain
a certain level of excellence,

so I can't have you
telling me terrible ideas
all night,

'cause that brings me
off my excellence, okay?

Okay, but this is
a great idea.
I don't want to...

We take the M-80's
that I have...

and we stick 'em in some lamb.

And "pa-chow!"
We blow it up!

Wh-What are you looking to do?
Flash-cook a... a gyro sandwich?

Yeah.
That's a good idea.

Flash-cook a sandwich.
Oh, my God.
Do you...

Cook the meat immediately.

What you're talking
about is just a meat bomb.
That's a waste of a good lamb.

So if you're done with
coming up with terrible ideas,
um, I'm going to go back to bed.

A meat bomb!
Y-Y-Y-You blow it up.

I mean, like, just take
the thing and stick it...

Aah!

I'm going to the crevice!
No, no, no, no! Charlie!
Don't go in the crevice.

Charlie, don't go
in the crevice.
I'm going in the crevice, Frank.

Don't go
in the crevice.
Oh, come on, man.

Oh, my God!

Yello.
Hey-o. It's Mac.
What's up?

Hey-o! 'Sup?
Yeah, I'm gonna
go out and rage.

Is Charlie there?
Hey, it's Mac.
He wants to go rage.

I don't care.
I'm in the crevice.

He's in the crevice.
Shit.
He's in the crevice?

- I'll come out with you.
- We'll go together, have a ball.

Hello?

I-I'm not seeing how this
relates to your weight gain.

Uh, I'm telling a story, Father.

Frank's not a guy that
usually comes up with plans.

You want to know all
the key players and how
success affected them, right?

Well, I think your time
could be better spent if you
focused more on yourself.

But I haven't done
very much wrong.

You know what, Father?
I'm just going to plow ahead.

Because I'm sensing
some resistance.

Dennis always tells me, never
let someone's resistance stop
you from getting what you want.

So, the bar's success continued.

But Dee's inflated ego about
her comedy was keeping her
from doing her job.

Kids these days, they have
so many more choices than
we had when we were little.

Am I right?
I mean, it's like...
Excuse me? Excuse me.

Do you want to watch
Kung Fu Panda on Blu-ray...
Excuse me.

Oh, my God. Yeah?
We are still waiting
on those beers.

Yeah! I know.

Right in the middle
of a joke. And now
where was I with it?

Can, um, we get those margaritas
that we ordered
a while ago as well?

That'd be great.
Yeah.
Can I finish the joke?

'Cause the funny part comes
at the end, so you're going
to miss it if you don't...

- You keep trying to tell jokes...
- Well, you keep interrupting me,
and that's why I'm not...

They're not really landing.

They're not landing
because I'm not getting
to the punch line,

so if you could just be patient
and let me get it out.

- Kids these days have
so many more choices...
- Don't try to finish the joke.

- I'm not gonna even listen.
I just want my margarita.
- Do you want Kung Fu Panda...

You're not getting
your margarita.
Thanks.

Why do we have this?
What is this?

Dude, where the hell
have you been?

Uh, slept in.

You slept in? It's almost
the middle of the night, man.
Why were you sleeping in?

Oh, God. Well, because
I drank three bottles
of champagne...

and hung out
with a stray dog all night
under a bridge, okay?

It was sweet.

Can I please get, like,
20 margaritas so this bitch
will listen to my kid joke?

Okay, first of all,
your jokes never land.
All right?

So please don't concentrate
on your comedy anymore.
'Cause it's terrible, all right?

I'm sorry. I said it.
Look, can we just do
what we normally do?

I shouldn't even be bartending.

I'm in over my head, I'm yelling
at customers 'cause I'm getting
a little agitated here.

Can Dennis please
come here and do this?
Where is Dennis?

Dennis is in the bathroom,
and he's been there
for, like, an hour!

Okay, company meeting
in the bathroom.
Okay, guys?

Company meeting.
Let's go.

Dennis!
Where are you, bud?
Company meeting!

Uh, I'm in here.
Good, man. Hop on out.
Company meeting.

- I don't want to.
- You have to.
It's a company meeting.

No.
What's going on
in there?

I'm bashing it.
I'm bashing it!

Oh, no.
No, no, don't bash.
I-I-I'll come out.

- Oh!
-

Uh, I saw a couple gray hairs,
and I was, like, "I'll
eradicate those," and then...

- With black paint?
- Well, just go easy on me.
Don't make fun of me.

I feel very sensitive
right now. It's hard
to maintain all this.

You look like Superman.

Oh, cool. Yeah, right on.
Well, he was the original,
right? So...

The original what?
S-Superhero.

He was, like...
Is that what
you're going for?

- No.
- Dude, come on!

It wouldn't be that obvious
if you didn't know me. You'd be,
"Shit. Maybe that's Superman."

No, you wouldn't! Everyone
knows who Superman is,
and they know it's not you!

- Shit. Right.
- Guys, come on!

Clearly,
success is starting
to get to all of us!

We can't be Superman!

Yeah, no shit.
I'm running around
like an animal out there.

All I'm doing is serving drinks!

You're supposed
to serve drinks.
You're a waitress.

People need their drinks,
and we need a waitress
to serve those drinks!

Guys, don't change now.
All right?

We have a certain chemistry
that got us here to begin with.
We don't need to start...

Aw, that's terrible!
Let's just get back out there
and step it up a little bit.

Please? Let's just get
back to work, man,
and do what we do. Okay?

"Back to work.
Back to work, everybody.

I'm Charlie,
and I'm in charge
all of a sudden."

Are you eating in there?

Uh, yeah.

I got some doughnuts
and some M&M's
and some, uh, chips.

I could pass them through
if you want some.

You aren't allowed
to eat in here!

I'm sorry, Father.
I have enough.

If you want a doughnut,
I could give you one.

You better put that away
or come back
when you're finished.

Okay.
I-I'm done. Done.

Uh, so Charlie
was up all night working,

and Frank
kept coming up with plans,
and they were not good.

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God.
It's morning already, huh?

Ow!
Hey, that's good.

You wanna do
that to people?
What is that?
What are you doing?

It's a plan.
We'll do it to people.
We'll go around...

Look at that. Look at
the look on your face.
That's so good!

Frank, I don't even think
you know what a plan is, dude.

All right, I got something else
I've been working on all night.
Come with me. Lock up.

Don't hit me
with the stick again.
Come with me.

Oh, my God.

Okay, Charlie?
All right,
look at this now.

I put two
extra stop signs.
Yeah.

Now there's
four stop signs.
All right.

So no cars can go.

Frank, you've just created
a four-way intersection.

If anything, you've made
this intersection safer.

No shit.

Oh.

Look, dude, I don't have
time for these shenanigans.
All right? I need sleep.

I'm a success now.
I'm trying so hard
not to tip.

Ow!
You need sleep?

Stop hitting me
with the stick, dude.
This is the plan.

This is the one
we should have done.
That was the one.

You little bitch!

And Charlie was, like,
"I'm gonna jam
that stick up your ass!"

And then Frank was, like,
"Come here, you little bitch!
Goddamn it!"

You don't need to repeat
all of the obscene language.

Oh. I'm sorry, Father.

I got lost in the moment
because I'm
a natural storyteller.

Anyway, I was being
super prudent.

I was mapping out
my successful lifestyle...
you know, champagne, sailing.

I've always wanted to sail.

I was really the only one who
was handling the success with
class, to be honest with you,

when Dee interrupted me
with some lazy plan
to get out of working.

- Lazy's a sin, right?
- Uh, you mean sloth?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dee is guilty of sloth.

And she's pro-abortion.

Hey.
Okay, listen to this.

One sec.

Just picking out the places
I want to avoid
when I sail across the world.

No Africa for you,
huh?
No.

I don't want to go
to any poor places,
you know.

Successful guy like myself,
I'll have a target on my back.
Right.

So, I guess
that's, uh...
Okay. Well...

And, uh, too cold.
Yeah.

Ugh.
Too violent.
Yeah, it's hot down there.

Too angry.
Oh, the whole thing.

Just gonna sail around
the United States is what
it looks like. That's all...

Uh, well, I probably
want to avoid,
like, this.

Yeah.
I don't blame you
for that.

And I don't know
what happens out here.
Okay, I tell you what.

While you were planning
all of this, I came up
with an amazing idea...

that's gonna
save everything for us.

You ready for this?
We get ourselves
replacements.

That's not
a very good idea.
Well, stay with me.

They're not just
any replacements.

They'll be the total
embodiment of us
in looks and personality,

so that we maintain
the same group chemistry
and avoid tipping.

So they'll be
like our avatars?
Sure, if that helps you.

Let's tell Dennis.
Okay, yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, Dennis, wake up.

- I'm not sleeping.
- What are you doing? Why are
you hiding under the covers?

Mmm.

My God!

Do I look foolish?

Well, what in God's name
have you done to your face?

I got a chemical peel.

You look like a monster, dude.

I was just trying to
live up to all of
your expectations of me.

What expectations?

Physical perfection.

What?

Clearly, the success of the bar
has proved that I have
achieved physical perfection.

And now there's
nowhere else for me to go
but down from here.

So now I'm hanging on
by a thread.

Why don't you lay off
the skin treatments
for a while?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh. You don't think
I should mess
with my face anymore?

Well, right now it looks
like you're wearing a mask
of yourself over your face.

- Uh-huh.
- Not a good one?

- Not a nice mask of myself?
- Not a good one.

Do you guys think
that a normal mask of me
would look good?

- Oh, my God.
- And if there was,
would you guys wear it?

What is happening?
I'm very confused.

I'm going to be alone.

Okay.

And without Dennis
to shit all over
Dee's ideas with me,

I was lured
into her very lazy, slothy,
sinful avatar plan.

Mmm. I got to say,
I like what I'm seeing here.

Mm-hmm.
Yeah, let me, uh...

Let me just fill you in
on what we're doing here.

See, Mac and I
run the hottest bar
in Philadelphia,

and we are looking for
a couple of employees to
fill our shoes, literally.

Mmm. That said,
there's a set of dumbbells
to your feet there.

I'd like you to lift those
and curl them, but don't
do it in a normal way.

- Now, this is for
a bartending job, right?
- Yeah.

Yeah, this is all part of it.
Now, get to work, beefcake.
Okay.

Guess I can fire off
a couple reverse curls.

He said "fire off."
I like that.

- Yeah, I heard him.
- I like that.
Look at that. Excellent!

Oh, man!
He executed those perfectly.

Knows exactly
what I'm talking about.

I'd like to fast-track him, Dee.
He's perfect.
What? For you?

Yeah, of course.
What do... He looks
nothing like you.

Well, no. Since we've been
working, I've been neglecting my
fitness regimen. He understands.

No, no, no, no. You never,
ever once in your life
have looked like that.

When I leave the gym,
and I have a full pump...
Yeah?

Dee was right though.

For me to use that
gorgeous muscle monster
as my avatar,

I had to put on
some serious bulk.

So did you go to the gym?

The gym?

Father, when Peter did
the statue of David, he wasn't
just hammering at pebbles.

First, he ordered the Jews
to bring him
a massive slab of marble.

Okay.
Let's wrap this up.

Right. Okay, so Charlie
was working his ass off.

But the customers
were getting just
as frustrated as he was.

Clearly, the pressures
of success were cracking
both he and Dennis.

Hang on a second.
I got this guy.
I got my man right here.

You're the one who wanted
the, uh, two Coors Lights
and the gin and tonic. Right?

No. I've been waiting
half an hour
for a Jack and Coke.

You've been waiting
half an hour?
Half an hour?

Well, with an attitude
like that, you can wait
another half an hour, buddy.

Hey, this drink
tastes like bleach.

Because I'm dipping them
in bleach so that
I can clean them faster.

I don't have time
to wash every single glass.

I dip it in bleach!
Then it's clean!

- I'm not drinking bleach.
- Then get out of my bar!
Get out of my bar!

- I don't want to see you! Is
that your buddy? Go with him!
- No. I don't even know him.

You don't even know him!
Okay, well, become friends
on your walk home!

Get out!

Unbelievable.
What's going on, man?

What's going on, dude,
is that I'm completely
overwhelmed.

I suck at bartending!
I'm going crazy!
Everyone's yelling at me!

They're getting
all pissed off!
Why is your face shiny?

I had my skin peeled off
with chemicals.

- Yeah?
- Want to know why?

- Not really.
- Well, it's just, uh,

you know, I've created
a level of success
for myself that, uh...

I just don't know if I can
live up to it anymore, man.

My level of excellence
is so high that I'm feeling
the pressures, man.

Dude, I'm operating
at such an excellent level.
It's insane.

You know, I'm running at
a 10 of excellence,

and I'm used to being
at whatever number.

I-I don't even want to be
at, like, somewhere lower.
But whatever.

The point is
that I'm not going to
let the bar down.

Hey, being on the tipping point
is about working hard...

and caring about that work
and really giving it your all.

Let's get high
in the back office.

Let's get high
and drop all this, right?
Yeah.

♪♪

♪♪

Deandra, you got to...
All you have to do
is hold the pigeon.

I stick the M-80
under its wing.
I blow it up.

No, Frank.
I'm not gonna help you
detonate a pigeon.

That would be
terrible publicity
for a young comedienne.

Well, you don't
have to do anything.

We stick the pigeon
in there, we run,

the flock blows up,
we got a lot of tasty meat.
Hold on, hold on.

Shut up! Shut up!
What's going on?
Where is everyone?

I have all kinds of new bits
and no audience.
Oh, shit.

Maybe we tipped too soon.
No. No! I was just starting
to get a taste of success.

I need more.

What's that?
Music.

Coming from
in the back.
Back here?

♪♪

What?
Hey! What the hell are
you dick bags doing back here?

The bar is completely empty!

I'm watching Charlie
do his thing,
and it's good, man.

It's, like, good.

It looks like
we did tip, Deandra.

We might as well sin
and get high.

I mean, I'm a sinner too, right?

Oh, Mac's the best!
Isn't he?
Oh, I love him.

Also, I'm pro-abortion,
so I'm probably
going straight to hell.

Ho-ho! And I got fat.
I'm much fatter than Mac!

You're so fat,
and, uh...
Oh, big, fat, big, fat.

Big, fat titties.
Big, fat ass.

You got big, fat titties.
And I like to kill babies.
Unborn babies.

I'm not exactly sure how that
conversation went, but I imagine
it was along those lines.

The point is, six weeks later,
they dropped a bomb on me.

We're not idiots. Of course
I'm going to take the precaution
of boiling the blood...

before I use it.
That goes
without saying.

It doesn't matter
if you boil it, Charlie.

You can't replace Frank's blood
with bags of blood that
you found behind a hospital.

But wait, wait...
It just won't work.

Dennis, he's not going
to replace my blood.

He's going to add to it
to make me more virile.
I'm just pumping more in.

So you're just gonna be
bursting at the seams
with blood?

- Yeah!
- Oh, yeah.

Hey-o!
What's up, bitches?

I did it.
I'm 200 pounds.

- I'm as big as my avatar.
- What's an avatar?

You know, the avatar
that we're going to get
to do all of our work for us,

so I can go sailing
and Dee can tell her
stupid jokes...

and Dennis can pour
more acid on his face.

Are we still doing that?
No. We gave that plan up
a really long time ago.

Is that why you've
been stuffing your face
for six weeks?

Yeah! I've been trying
to get as big as my avatar,
so we don't tip.

Dude, that was, like,
a million plans ago.

All of us, including you,

we've been engaged in many other
plans and schemes since then.
Wh-Where have you been?

- You guys dropped the tipping point?
- Yeah.

I thought we were just
putting it on the back burner
until I hit two hundo.

Why do you think
we've been calling you fat
this entire time?

Wh-Why wouldn't
somebody tell me
that we dropped the plan?

Stop chewing on food and start
thinking about what's going on
in the bar and in your life!

D-Don't make fun of me, okay?

I'm busting my ass out there
trying to do the avatar plan,

a-and now you guys
are laughing at me!

But you have candy
coming out of your pocket!

I was hungry!
I was hungry!
Don't laugh at me!

Don't laugh at me!
"Don't laugh at me!"

He can't do it!

What are you doing?
Is he trying
to rip his shirt off?

You guys are going
to hell! Okay?
You guys are going to hell!

- Don't laugh at me!
Don't laugh at me!

And that's it.
So now you understand.

I understand none of it.

Father, my friends
totally boned me.

They became successful,
egotistical monsters.

They forced me into this
avatar thing, and now they're
totally ditching the plan.

But it's all about
the avatar.
The beefcake avatar.

But you weren't gonna
understand that unless
I told you the whole story.

I-I'm going to be
perfectly honest.

I still don't know
what you want me to do.

Okay, um, let me start at
the beginning, because clearly
you didn't understand it.

No, no, no! No, no, no.
That won't be necessary.

I-If, uh... If I smite your
friends and absolve you,
will you leave?

Yeah.
You're absolved,
and your friends are smited.

In the name of the Father,
Son and Holy Spirit.
Please leave.

Okay, great.
Oh, um, when should I
see the results?

- What are you talking about?
- When does the spell kick in?

Wh-When is God gonna shed
some of this weight for me?

- Six weeks.
- Great.

Not hard.
Perfect.

Uh, glory unto you,
ghost man in the sky...

that created us all
and predetermines everything.

I'll see you in six weeks.

English - US - Line 21