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1
00:00:02,136 --> 00:00:03,913
- We never had kings in this country.
- No.
2
00:00:03,937 --> 00:00:06,149
That was the whole point of this country.
We didn't want a king.
3
00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:07,790
We didn't want the king.
4
00:00:07,858 --> 00:00:09,792
Son of a bitch!
Guys, guys, guys!
5
00:00:09,860 --> 00:00:11,243
Oh!
6
00:00:11,311 --> 00:00:12,755
- Oh!
- Are you okay?
7
00:00:14,081 --> 00:00:17,566
Oh!
Oh!
8
00:00:17,635 --> 00:00:19,262
I think you broke your nose.
9
00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:21,598
I'm screwed.
I'm screwed.
10
00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:22,870
Ah!
11
00:00:22,939 --> 00:00:25,557
Oh, strange man, titty bar.
12
00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:28,494
A great investment opportunity.
13
00:00:28,562 --> 00:00:30,012
Beauty pageant.
14
00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:31,625
Are you getting it?
Yeah, yeah, I think I got this.
15
00:00:31,649 --> 00:00:33,481
You met a strange man
at a titty bar...
16
00:00:33,550 --> 00:00:36,685
who offered you
a great opportunity
to invest in a beauty pageant?
17
00:00:36,753 --> 00:00:38,631
Everything looked very legit.
18
00:00:38,655 --> 00:00:41,556
It was all in place.
He had all the connections.
19
00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:43,959
He wanted somebody
to front the money... me.
20
00:00:44,028 --> 00:00:47,095
Okay, fine.
I've always wanted
to do a beauty pageant.
21
00:00:47,164 --> 00:00:48,280
Stop. Why?
22
00:00:48,348 --> 00:00:50,193
Because you make
a lot of cash...
23
00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:51,883
and you ogle some broads.
24
00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:53,279
I don't question
that aspect of it.
25
00:00:53,303 --> 00:00:54,703
That seems right
up your alley, bro.
26
00:00:54,771 --> 00:00:59,474
This jerk gets pinched
for coming on to one
of the contestants,
27
00:00:59,543 --> 00:01:01,863
and now it looks
like a whole scam.
28
00:01:01,912 --> 00:01:03,845
And if I don't legitimize
this thing,
29
00:01:03,914 --> 00:01:06,076
everybody's gonna
think I'm just like him.
30
00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:08,078
- Why don't you just drop
the whole thing?
- I can't, Charlie.
31
00:01:08,102 --> 00:01:10,080
It's already going.
It's in motion.
32
00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:11,870
I mean, it's really a mess.
33
00:01:11,939 --> 00:01:15,941
Any second now, there's
gonna be broads walking
through that door in swimsuits.
34
00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:17,592
- Awesome.
- That's a good thing.
35
00:01:17,661 --> 00:01:19,701
I don't see what
the problem is here, Frank.
36
00:01:20,247 --> 00:01:22,181
Oh, oh, oh!
37
00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:24,466
Looks like somebody
forgot their swimsuit.
38
00:01:24,534 --> 00:01:26,084
Come on, girls.
39
00:01:31,441 --> 00:01:33,792
That's the problem.
40
00:01:58,585 --> 00:02:00,018
A kids' pageant?
41
00:02:00,086 --> 00:02:02,064
I didn't know.
Are you kidding me?
42
00:02:02,088 --> 00:02:03,900
I didn't know
it was a kids' pageant.
43
00:02:03,924 --> 00:02:06,859
The guy didn't make that clear.
Now I'm lumped in
with a diddler.
44
00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:08,777
- What am I gonna do?
- This is a mess.
45
00:02:08,846 --> 00:02:10,423
I don't know
what the big deal is.
46
00:02:10,447 --> 00:02:12,681
I did pageants all the time
when I was little.
47
00:02:12,750 --> 00:02:14,165
The big deal?
48
00:02:14,234 --> 00:02:16,234
Mothers force
their kids into this...
49
00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:17,847
so that they can
dress 'em up like dolls...
50
00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:19,316
and parade them around
like sex objects.
51
00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:21,456
- It's creepy.
- My mother didn't
force me into it.
52
00:02:21,525 --> 00:02:23,336
- I entered them myself.
- Yeah, that's true.
53
00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:25,438
When Dee used to enter
pageants when we were kids,
54
00:02:25,462 --> 00:02:28,141
Mom used to tell her
not to waste her time,
because she isn't pretty enough.
55
00:02:28,165 --> 00:02:31,194
She would say that, and
then I would jam it right
in her face when I'd win them.
56
00:02:31,218 --> 00:02:33,635
How would you win pageants?
Did you have a different face?
57
00:02:33,703 --> 00:02:36,972
No, she was a dog back then too.
It's just that she worked at it.
58
00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:40,008
She used to go to tanning,
and she practiced
with her makeup.
59
00:02:40,077 --> 00:02:43,189
I'll give you that. You did
a lot of that practicing.
Thanks, Frank.
60
00:02:43,213 --> 00:02:45,792
Yeah, yeah, you guys
got to change your thinking
about child pageants.
61
00:02:45,816 --> 00:02:48,549
Child pageants...
that's American
tradition right there.
62
00:02:48,618 --> 00:02:49,784
Child pageantry?
63
00:02:49,853 --> 00:02:51,369
Think about it.
In other countries,
64
00:02:51,438 --> 00:02:53,505
women that can't show
their ankles, right?
65
00:02:53,573 --> 00:02:55,584
They got to be in those
big black tarps or whatever.
66
00:02:55,608 --> 00:02:56,870
Mm-hmm.
In America,
67
00:02:56,894 --> 00:02:58,660
we can show toddlers
in tiny bikinis.
68
00:02:58,728 --> 00:03:01,240
- We can make them tan, because that's our right.
- - Mm-hmm.
69
00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:02,948
As Americans, okay?
70
00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:06,218
Child pageantry
is an essential part
of the American fabric.
71
00:03:06,286 --> 00:03:08,281
You know what?
We should dress up
our little kids...
72
00:03:08,305 --> 00:03:10,238
just to show other people
that we can.
73
00:03:10,307 --> 00:03:11,773
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
74
00:03:11,842 --> 00:03:13,953
I never thought
about it that way.
This is about freedom, isn't it?
75
00:03:13,977 --> 00:03:15,855
- Mm-hmm.
- We can do whatever
we want with our kids.
76
00:03:15,879 --> 00:03:17,523
Yeah.
And that's what America
is all about.
77
00:03:17,547 --> 00:03:18,825
You know what you
just did, Charlie?
78
00:03:18,849 --> 00:03:20,026
You just loaded up
that train with coal,
79
00:03:20,050 --> 00:03:21,560
and now it's ready
to tear down the tracks.
Yes!
80
00:03:21,584 --> 00:03:24,736
- That was inspiring as hell.
- Let's throw ourselves
a pageant!
81
00:03:24,804 --> 00:03:27,055
- Let's do a child pageant.
- U.S.A.
82
00:03:27,124 --> 00:03:28,618
U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
83
00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:31,893
U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
84
00:03:34,798 --> 00:03:37,749
Okay. Okay. Thank you.
Thank you. Good.
85
00:03:37,817 --> 00:03:39,912
Calm down, everybody.
Calm down. Calm down.
86
00:03:39,936 --> 00:03:41,981
Thanks for coming to
Frank's Little Beauties.
87
00:03:42,005 --> 00:03:44,238
I wanna thank you all
for participating.
88
00:03:44,307 --> 00:03:46,892
I know some of you may have
heard about that other guy.
89
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,005
I am not gonna diddle your kids.
90
00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:51,257
I'm not like that.
That's not my thing.
91
00:03:51,281 --> 00:03:53,193
I met that guy
in a titty bar.
That's enough.
92
00:03:53,217 --> 00:03:54,527
It's like a... That's enough.
93
00:03:54,551 --> 00:03:56,718
Hi there. Dee Reynolds,
former pageant winner.
94
00:03:56,786 --> 00:03:58,286
I know how these things work,
95
00:03:58,355 --> 00:03:59,982
so, uh, your kids
are in good hands.
96
00:04:00,006 --> 00:04:01,839
Go ahead and talk
amongst yourselves.
97
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:05,410
Frank, will you...
Frank, your nose is bleeding
all over the place.
98
00:04:06,897 --> 00:04:09,564
Do I look suspicious?
99
00:04:09,632 --> 00:04:10,949
You look grotesque.
100
00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:13,785
♪♪ ♪ Magic night for us ♪
101
00:04:13,853 --> 00:04:14,964
♪ A magical night ♪
102
00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:16,354
"Magic's in the air."
103
00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:18,234
♪ Magic's ♪
♪ Magic's in the air ♪
104
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,825
See, this is fun.
Yeah.
105
00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:23,027
We shouldn't be
looking at this pageant
as a problem.
106
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:24,974
We should be looking at this
as an opportunity...
107
00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:26,492
to do something
we've never done before.
108
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:28,911
This is right in our wheelhouse.
I'm having a blast
putting this...
109
00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:32,031
Hey, I'm thinking maybe
we could actually be
in this thing.
110
00:04:32,055 --> 00:04:35,107
I'm glad you said it,
because I'm desperate
to be in this thing.
111
00:04:35,175 --> 00:04:37,553
Oh!
I didn't realize it
was even a conversation.
112
00:04:37,577 --> 00:04:39,511
I always assumed
we would be heavily involved.
113
00:04:39,579 --> 00:04:41,246
This is bad.
114
00:04:41,314 --> 00:04:45,433
We gotta definitely
write a song
about how we do not diddle kids.
115
00:04:45,502 --> 00:04:47,202
♪ Do not diddle kids ♪
116
00:04:47,271 --> 00:04:49,437
♪ It's no good
diddling kids ♪♪
117
00:04:49,505 --> 00:04:52,218
There is no quicker way
for people to think
that you are diddling kids...
118
00:04:52,242 --> 00:04:53,758
than by writing a song about it.
119
00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:55,377
You gotta write a song.
It's like...
120
00:04:55,445 --> 00:04:57,990
♪ Ooh, I wouldn't do it
with anybody younger
than my daughter ♪
121
00:04:58,014 --> 00:04:59,381
♪ And no little kids ♪
122
00:04:59,449 --> 00:05:01,450
♪ Gotta be big
Older than my wife ♪
123
00:05:01,518 --> 00:05:02,834
♪ Older than my daughter ♪♪
124
00:05:02,902 --> 00:05:04,235
Something like that.
125
00:05:07,407 --> 00:05:09,167
Don't write a song
about that.
No.
126
00:05:09,225 --> 00:05:10,692
I'm cloudy.
I got a headache.
127
00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:18,483
Uh, excuse me.
Who's in charge here?
128
00:05:18,552 --> 00:05:20,413
Well, usually
that's whoever
yells the loudest,
129
00:05:20,437 --> 00:05:22,866
but I am the only one
here right now,
so I am in charge.
130
00:05:22,890 --> 00:05:25,018
Oh, hi.
Uh, my name is Walter Harris.
Hi.
131
00:05:25,042 --> 00:05:27,692
I'm with the Family Association
for the Protection of Children.
132
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:29,695
No! Ooh, ooh.
133
00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:31,029
Okay.
134
00:05:31,097 --> 00:05:35,166
Uh, you know, I...
I'm-I'm pretty much...
135
00:05:35,235 --> 00:05:38,937
I'm in charge of this,
the chairs and...
136
00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:41,686
setting up...
the chairs.
Mm.
137
00:05:41,725 --> 00:05:45,126
But there's a guy.
Uh... Uh, there's a fat guy.
138
00:05:45,195 --> 00:05:48,980
Uh, his face
is busted to bits,
and he... he's in charge.
139
00:05:49,049 --> 00:05:50,927
He's... He's the guy
that you wanna talk to.
140
00:05:50,951 --> 00:05:52,528
He might be this way,
so I'll go...
141
00:05:52,552 --> 00:05:54,030
I'm gonna go back here
and look for him.
142
00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:56,587
Uh, you check it out
around the corner.
143
00:05:56,656 --> 00:05:59,558
Real jacked-up face and fat.
144
00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:04,929
So, how's
everyone doing today?
Is everyone feeling safe?
145
00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:06,531
The F.A.P.C., huh?
146
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:08,561
That's what he said.
They're siccing the dogs
after us.
147
00:06:08,585 --> 00:06:10,362
- We're screwed.
- Hey, we're fine, Frank.
148
00:06:10,386 --> 00:06:12,331
We got nothing to hide.
Yeah, you know what?
149
00:06:12,355 --> 00:06:14,522
To be honest with you,
I'm glad he's gonna observe us.
150
00:06:14,591 --> 00:06:16,557
Somebody should be
looking out for these kids.
151
00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:19,277
Yeah, those mothers just left
their kids here in a bar...
152
00:06:19,346 --> 00:06:22,030
with complete strangers
in a pageant
that's under investigation.
153
00:06:24,201 --> 00:06:25,711
They're terrible parents.
154
00:06:25,735 --> 00:06:27,218
Yeah.
This is a mess!
155
00:06:27,287 --> 00:06:29,115
Frank, go lay down and put
some ice on your face,
156
00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:30,555
'cause you look terrible.
157
00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:33,118
- Jesus, Frank, fix your face, for God's sake.
- Relax.
158
00:06:33,142 --> 00:06:35,054
Go. Go.
We'll take care of
everything in here.
159
00:06:35,078 --> 00:06:36,990
Everything's
gonna be fine, Frank.
Yeah, we got it. We got it.
160
00:06:37,014 --> 00:06:38,441
It's all gonna be fine.
161
00:06:38,465 --> 00:06:40,782
Now, you pinned
the whole thing on him, right?
162
00:06:40,851 --> 00:06:42,862
- Oh, yeah, of course I did.
- Good, good, good.
163
00:06:42,886 --> 00:06:44,086
Good thinking.
164
00:06:45,088 --> 00:06:49,207
Okay, ladies, chins up,
hands down, step forward.
165
00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:51,943
One, two, three, one, two.
166
00:06:52,011 --> 00:06:54,023
Fan, turn.
Hit it! Stick it!
167
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:55,480
Let me see it!
168
00:06:55,548 --> 00:06:57,415
Pose!
169
00:06:58,751 --> 00:07:01,319
Come on! Hit the line.
Get in line.
170
00:07:01,388 --> 00:07:03,232
What is this?
Guys, we gotta put
on a show!
171
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:05,000
I thought you
were professionals.
172
00:07:05,024 --> 00:07:08,409
That's what I'm looking for,
and I don't see professionals.
173
00:07:08,478 --> 00:07:11,012
I see amateurs.
174
00:07:11,081 --> 00:07:13,014
I see trash...
175
00:07:13,083 --> 00:07:16,501
Little pieces of trash
on my stage.
176
00:07:16,569 --> 00:07:19,137
You guys are dummies.
It's not even hard.
177
00:07:19,205 --> 00:07:21,056
You are dumb.
178
00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:23,324
It's not hard.
179
00:07:23,393 --> 00:07:24,620
Samantha's mean.
180
00:07:24,644 --> 00:07:26,494
Samantha gets to be mean...
181
00:07:26,563 --> 00:07:29,230
because Samantha
is a star, okay?
182
00:07:29,299 --> 00:07:31,961
Maybe one day you'll be a star,
but right now you're not.
You're junk.
183
00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:34,363
I have to go
to the bathroom.
You belong in the bathroom.
184
00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:36,632
Go!
Let's take a five.
Let's take a break.
185
00:07:36,656 --> 00:07:39,417
I'm so upset.
Are you okay?
You're doing great.
186
00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:43,406
We'll be dressed
very stylishly
for the performance.
187
00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:46,247
It's gonna be
a great performance, Walter,
very classy.
188
00:07:46,316 --> 00:07:49,751
I look forward to seeing it.
Just make sure
that the children are featured.
189
00:07:49,819 --> 00:07:51,603
That is who this is about.
190
00:07:51,671 --> 00:07:52,715
Yeah.
Yeah.
191
00:07:52,739 --> 00:07:54,472
It's about the kids.
192
00:07:54,541 --> 00:07:56,519
Absolutely.
All about the kids, yeah.
Absolutely, yeah. No, totally.
193
00:07:56,543 --> 00:07:58,554
Walter, you wanna
come sit with us?
Yeah, come sit with...
194
00:07:58,578 --> 00:08:00,339
You lost him.
Hello, everybody.
195
00:08:00,363 --> 00:08:03,564
He's all business,
that guy, you know?
He is all over us, man.
196
00:08:03,633 --> 00:08:05,873
We gotta put on a good show,
you guys. We got to.
197
00:08:07,754 --> 00:08:12,323
Hello.
That was some pretty impressive
work out there, Samantha.
198
00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:14,876
Excuse me.
I'm eating my lunch.
199
00:08:14,945 --> 00:08:18,129
Well, don't get sassy with me.
I'm trying to pay you
a compliment.
200
00:08:18,197 --> 00:08:21,499
You know, I see a lot
of myself in you.
201
00:08:21,568 --> 00:08:23,729
You're not like me.
You're ugly.
202
00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:26,504
You don't say... That's not
something you say.
203
00:08:26,573 --> 00:08:29,557
Y... You're mean.
You're the meanest girl
in the world.
204
00:08:29,626 --> 00:08:32,276
Okay, you know what?
205
00:08:32,346 --> 00:08:35,146
You better thank
your lucky stars
I'm not in this competition...
206
00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:37,916
because I would eat you
for breakfast.
207
00:08:37,985 --> 00:08:39,467
You're driving me nuts.
208
00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:43,054
I don't like your hair.
It's dumb.
209
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:45,818
Your hair looks
like it's dead.
All right, that's it.
210
00:08:45,842 --> 00:08:48,343
You listen to me.
All hair is technically dead,
211
00:08:48,412 --> 00:08:51,413
you stupid idiot smarty-pants,
stupid, stupid idiot.
212
00:08:51,481 --> 00:08:53,459
You better
watch yourself, Samantha.
Do you hear me?
213
00:08:53,483 --> 00:08:54,983
Because I am coming for you.
214
00:08:55,051 --> 00:08:56,245
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
215
00:08:56,269 --> 00:08:57,296
Terrible breath.
216
00:09:03,309 --> 00:09:04,408
Wheezing.
217
00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:06,511
Dude, you're wheezing now.
Slow down.
218
00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:09,380
Breathe and eat separately.
219
00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:10,876
This is what America
is about, okay?
220
00:09:10,900 --> 00:09:13,112
Being able to eat at
any rate you want to eat.
Shut... Shut up.
221
00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:15,481
Stop making all of these things
about America. You're fat,
not because of America...
222
00:09:15,505 --> 00:09:16,882
Can we just change
the conversation?
223
00:09:16,906 --> 00:09:18,573
Can we just focus
on something else?
224
00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:20,085
Did you guys see
the boy that's here?
225
00:09:20,109 --> 00:09:21,988
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
226
00:09:22,012 --> 00:09:23,505
What's that all about?
227
00:09:23,529 --> 00:09:25,207
I imagine Dad
probably skipped town.
228
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:28,600
Mom always wanted a daughter,
so she sticks her little boy
in the pageant...
229
00:09:28,668 --> 00:09:31,297
so she can play out
her little fantasies
about having a little girl.
230
00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:33,621
That kid does not want
to be here, you know.
231
00:09:33,690 --> 00:09:35,210
A kid like this needs guidance.
232
00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:37,352
He needs real men
showing him what it's like...
233
00:09:37,376 --> 00:09:39,193
Would you like to see my dance?
234
00:09:40,230 --> 00:09:42,897
Tsk.
Uh, yeah.
235
00:09:42,966 --> 00:09:44,160
Yeah.
Sure.
236
00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:46,684
♪ I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy ♪
237
00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:49,287
♪ A Yankee Doodle, do or die ♪
238
00:09:49,356 --> 00:09:51,834
♪ A real live nephew
of my Uncle Sam ♪
239
00:09:51,858 --> 00:09:54,559
I don't think this boy
is being pushed
into this at all.
240
00:09:54,628 --> 00:09:58,079
This is a boy who
genuinely loves pageantry.
Yeah.
241
00:09:58,148 --> 00:10:00,781
♪♪
242
00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:03,679
You know what?
I bet he's never
won one of these.
243
00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:05,202
We should help him win.
244
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:07,800
For once let's let
the boys in America win.
Totally.
245
00:10:07,824 --> 00:10:11,003
Well, maybe we could make a few
adjustments to the song, maybe
update it a little bit.
246
00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:12,722
Yes, the song needs an update.
247
00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:15,080
All these old patriotic
songs need updates.
248
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:17,293
They're like 200 years old.
That's why nobody wants
to listen to 'em.
249
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:20,334
♪ I am that
Yankee Doodle Boy ♪♪
250
00:10:20,403 --> 00:10:21,965
Hey!
All right, man.
251
00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:23,170
All right, hey.
252
00:10:23,239 --> 00:10:25,172
Good job, Benjamin.
253
00:10:25,909 --> 00:10:28,409
- Hey, Justine.
- Hey.
254
00:10:28,478 --> 00:10:30,261
Could we talk
for just a quick sec?
255
00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:32,208
Yeah, I really need to do
my homework, but...
256
00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:36,401
I know, but I'm the adult
and I said we were gonna talk,
so that's what's gonna happen.
257
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:39,753
Listen, I bet you wish you could
win this pageant, don't you?
258
00:10:39,822 --> 00:10:41,383
My mom says
I'm not pretty enough.
259
00:10:41,407 --> 00:10:43,908
Your mom doesn't know dick.
She's a dumb, fat cow.
260
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:47,545
And your sister...
she is a stupid little
shit-mouthed bitch, isn't she?
261
00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:48,907
You just said
a lot of bad words.
262
00:10:48,931 --> 00:10:50,382
Here's what's
gonna happen, Justine.
263
00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:53,084
You are gonna win this pageant.
You are gonna win this pageant!
264
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,286
And I am gonna be the one
who pushes you to do it.
265
00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:57,489
What do you think about that?
Are you excited?
266
00:10:57,557 --> 00:11:01,675
Are you excited about that?
Yeah, I don't really care
about any of that.
267
00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:04,156
I know, but it's not
what you care about.
It's what I care about.
268
00:11:04,180 --> 00:11:05,725
Okay.
Okay, ready?
269
00:11:05,749 --> 00:11:09,700
Oh, we got a lot of work to do.
Screw this homework, right?
Come on!
270
00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:20,656
Great to see you.
Pleasure to meet you.
271
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:21,707
Thank you so much.
Thank you very...
272
00:11:21,731 --> 00:11:25,633
Guys, Walter's here.
He looks very pleased.
273
00:11:25,701 --> 00:11:28,219
Good. Good. He should.
This is like...
Yeah.
274
00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:30,882
Okay, good.
I'm here.
275
00:11:30,906 --> 00:11:33,018
Oh.
What on earth did you
do to your face?
276
00:11:33,042 --> 00:11:36,144
- I had it done
at a funeral home.
- Why? Why? Why?
277
00:11:36,212 --> 00:11:39,247
Where in the hell am I gonna go,
to the goddamn makeup
counter at Macy's?
278
00:11:39,315 --> 00:11:42,150
You go to a funeral home
to get gruesome repairs.
279
00:11:42,218 --> 00:11:43,351
Look.
280
00:11:43,419 --> 00:11:45,430
You look like you're
at your own wake.
281
00:11:45,454 --> 00:11:50,257
Frank. Frank,
I need some water.
282
00:11:50,326 --> 00:11:55,095
- My mouth is dry.
- Your mouth is dry.
283
00:11:55,164 --> 00:11:58,932
Go into the toilet
and run your mouth
under the sink.
284
00:12:02,021 --> 00:12:05,090
Okay.
Yeah, can I?
Could I? Can I?
285
00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:06,841
I have a... Who's that?
286
00:12:06,910 --> 00:12:08,693
He's the mortician.
I invited him.
287
00:12:08,762 --> 00:12:11,640
You brought the mortician.
Well, that's not gonna
seem strange to anybody at all.
288
00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:13,297
I figure he's a cretin.
289
00:12:13,366 --> 00:12:17,051
Why would I have
a cretin like that near me
if I had something to hide?
290
00:12:17,119 --> 00:12:20,266
Associating with a man
like that's not gonna
make you look any better.
291
00:12:20,290 --> 00:12:22,618
- Hey, hey, hey.
You're on in five.
- Oh, whoa.
292
00:12:22,642 --> 00:12:24,504
- Good.
- Artemis, what are you doing here?
293
00:12:24,528 --> 00:12:26,722
She's working
the soundboard, okay?
Relax.
294
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:28,213
Is that a good idea?
295
00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:31,549
Does she know
how to work a soundboard?
Who else are we gonna get?
296
00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:33,312
We don't have
a very deep bench, Dee.
Okay.
297
00:12:33,336 --> 00:12:35,197
- I'm gonna go get high
before the show.
- Okay.
298
00:12:35,221 --> 00:12:37,015
Seems like a bad idea.
Well, don't get high.
It's making us look bad.
299
00:12:37,039 --> 00:12:39,991
I'm sweatin' like a pig.
I gotta get my makeup redone.
300
00:12:40,059 --> 00:12:41,704
Okay, showtime,
showtime.
Let's get ready, guys.
301
00:12:41,728 --> 00:12:43,294
Showtime, showtime, showtime.
302
00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:44,773
Whoa!
Showtime.
303
00:12:44,797 --> 00:12:47,665
Ho! Ho! Ho!
Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!
304
00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:54,422
♪♪
305
00:12:57,911 --> 00:12:59,277
♪♪
306
00:12:59,346 --> 00:13:01,662
Give me a beat.
307
00:13:01,731 --> 00:13:05,449
♪♪
308
00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:23,133
♪♪
309
00:13:23,202 --> 00:13:25,035
♪ Magic's in the air ♪
310
00:13:25,104 --> 00:13:27,038
♪ Magic's in the air ♪
311
00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:30,187
♪ Lace and silk
is everywhere ♪
♪ Lace and silk ♪
312
00:13:30,242 --> 00:13:32,276
♪ Struttin' with
dramatic flair ♪
313
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:33,610
♪ Dramatic flair ♪
314
00:13:33,679 --> 00:13:37,048
♪ And bright smiles ♪
315
00:13:37,116 --> 00:13:39,450
♪ So everyone prepare ♪
316
00:13:39,519 --> 00:13:41,096
♪ For something
special tonight ♪
317
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:42,220
♪ Here she is ♪
318
00:13:42,289 --> 00:13:44,555
♪ Frank's Little Beauties ♪
319
00:13:44,624 --> 00:13:47,775
♪ Your heart'll go
into a cardiac arrest ♪
320
00:13:47,844 --> 00:13:50,378
♪ 'Cause Frank's
Little Beauties ♪
321
00:13:50,446 --> 00:13:53,564
♪ Are nothing but the...
From state
to state and town to town ♪
322
00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:56,579
♪ These girls will turn
your frown upside down ♪
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
323
00:13:56,603 --> 00:13:58,502
♪ Who's brass and class
and all that stuff? ♪
324
00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:00,383
♪ These girls'll show you
that they're good enough ♪
325
00:14:00,407 --> 00:14:01,839
♪ They're good, all right ♪
326
00:14:01,908 --> 00:14:03,903
♪ So put your hands together
and settle in ♪
327
00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:05,860
♪ 'Cause tonight
we're gettin' down ♪
328
00:14:05,929 --> 00:14:09,430
♪ Only one contestant wins
Frank's Little
Beauties crown ♪
329
00:14:09,499 --> 00:14:12,867
♪♪
330
00:14:12,936 --> 00:14:14,919
Is that it, Artemis?
331
00:14:17,406 --> 00:14:19,073
Very nice performance.
332
00:14:19,142 --> 00:14:21,843
Very nice and clean performance.
333
00:14:21,911 --> 00:14:26,964
Welcome. Welcome to our
legitimate show of kids.
334
00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,866
Uh, very, very, very nice.
335
00:14:28,935 --> 00:14:33,070
Which one of these
talented, uh, entertainers,
336
00:14:33,139 --> 00:14:36,908
who I am not attracted to
at all, will be the winner?
337
00:14:36,976 --> 00:14:39,877
I'm not attracted to any
of them, none of them.
338
00:14:39,946 --> 00:14:41,678
And that's the way it is.
339
00:14:41,747 --> 00:14:46,200
Anyway, everybody put
your hands together
and clap for the kids.
340
00:14:46,268 --> 00:14:48,202
Clap. Clap.
341
00:14:48,270 --> 00:14:49,704
And you wave good-bye.
342
00:14:49,772 --> 00:14:51,271
Wave.
Wave good-bye.
343
00:14:51,341 --> 00:14:53,385
Go to your dressing rooms.
We're gonna start the show.
344
00:14:53,409 --> 00:14:54,719
Go on.
Bye, Frank.
345
00:14:54,743 --> 00:14:57,011
Okay, just don't touch.
Go on in there.
346
00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:58,590
Their dressing room...
Bye, Frank.
347
00:14:58,614 --> 00:15:00,881
Over there on that side
of the stage.
348
00:15:00,950 --> 00:15:03,951
I am going to my dressing room.
We will be right back.
349
00:15:04,020 --> 00:15:05,453
I'm over here.
350
00:15:08,791 --> 00:15:11,192
♪♪
351
00:15:14,731 --> 00:15:17,799
♪♪
352
00:15:17,867 --> 00:15:21,085
♪♪
353
00:15:39,205 --> 00:15:41,338
Ow! My hair hurts.
I know. I know.
354
00:15:41,407 --> 00:15:42,918
Mine too.
We look good.
355
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:45,843
Okay, finish up
that coffee.
I don't like it.
356
00:15:45,911 --> 00:15:47,511
You do too like it.
357
00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:49,825
It doesn't matter
whether you like it or not.
You need to be high energy.
358
00:15:49,849 --> 00:15:52,378
- Do you wanna win
this thing or not?
- I don't care.
359
00:15:52,402 --> 00:15:54,935
Yes, you do care, all right?
Pop your teeth in.
360
00:15:55,004 --> 00:15:56,804
Pop your teeth in right now.
Really?
361
00:15:56,873 --> 00:15:58,372
Let's see 'em.
362
00:15:59,742 --> 00:16:01,442
You look fantastic.
363
00:16:01,511 --> 00:16:04,144
Now let's go show
those stupid moms, huh?
364
00:16:04,213 --> 00:16:05,813
Mm.
Come on.
365
00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:11,336
♪♪
366
00:16:16,492 --> 00:16:18,426
♪ Moms stink ♪
367
00:16:18,494 --> 00:16:19,977
P.U.!
368
00:16:20,046 --> 00:16:22,779
♪ What are you gonna do? ♪
369
00:16:22,848 --> 00:16:24,031
Yeah!
370
00:16:24,100 --> 00:16:27,768
♪ Me and you should go
into a secret world ♪
371
00:16:27,837 --> 00:16:31,705
♪ Where no one tells us
what to do ♪
372
00:16:31,774 --> 00:16:33,014
♪ Moms are stupid ♪
373
00:16:34,193 --> 00:16:35,476
Doy!
374
00:16:35,545 --> 00:16:39,113
♪ I'd like to throw them all
in the trash ♪
375
00:16:39,181 --> 00:16:40,565
Yeah!
376
00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:43,801
♪ They're nothing but a big
humongous pain in the butt ♪
377
00:16:43,869 --> 00:16:47,622
♪ A big, humongous pain
in my vagina ♪
378
00:16:47,690 --> 00:16:48,922
♪ Moms are ugly ♪
379
00:16:48,991 --> 00:16:50,074
Boo!
380
00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:58,482
People of Earth,
381
00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:03,187
prepare for the future
of patriotism.
382
00:17:04,474 --> 00:17:08,375
♪ Yankee doodle went to town ♪
383
00:17:08,444 --> 00:17:12,330
♪ Riding on a pony ♪
384
00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:15,900
♪ Stuck a feather in his cap ♪
385
00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:19,053
♪ And called it macarone ♪
386
00:17:19,122 --> 00:17:22,840
♪ Rone, rone, rone, rone ♪
387
00:17:22,909 --> 00:17:25,843
♪ Rone, rone, rone ♪
388
00:17:25,911 --> 00:17:27,578
Hey!
389
00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:30,681
♪♪
390
00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:37,404
♪ Yankee, Yankee, Yankee,
Yankee doodle ♪
391
00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:41,292
♪ Yankee, Yankee,
Yankee, Yankee doodle ♪
392
00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:45,079
Mr. Gorbachev,
tear down this wall.
393
00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:49,266
The only thing we have
to fear is...
394
00:17:49,335 --> 00:17:50,635
fear itself.
395
00:17:50,703 --> 00:17:52,503
Hey, hey, what is this?
396
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:55,000
What are you people
doing to my son?
Go back to your seat.
397
00:17:55,024 --> 00:18:00,394
All right,
who's in charge here?
Sir, go back to your seat.
398
00:18:00,462 --> 00:18:02,730
♪ Stuck a feather in his cap ♪
399
00:18:02,798 --> 00:18:06,384
♪ And called it macarone ♪
400
00:18:06,452 --> 00:18:10,520
♪ Rone, rone, rone, rone ♪♪
401
00:18:17,496 --> 00:18:19,146
Someone should have
worn a shirt, right?
402
00:18:19,214 --> 00:18:21,148
Probably the kid.
The kid definitely.
403
00:18:21,216 --> 00:18:22,561
Yeah.
It felt uncomfortable.
404
00:18:22,585 --> 00:18:24,763
But at a rave,
I feel like that
would have been awesome.
405
00:18:24,787 --> 00:18:27,455
I know,
but the kids make it weird.
It did get a little weird.
406
00:18:27,523 --> 00:18:29,556
I can't figure
this tie out here.
407
00:18:31,494 --> 00:18:34,512
I got... I got a question
about you morticians.
408
00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:36,347
You bang the dead bodies?
409
00:18:36,415 --> 00:18:38,899
Mm... No.
410
00:18:38,968 --> 00:18:41,652
Imagine stuff like that
goes on all the time.
411
00:18:41,721 --> 00:18:42,970
I don't give a shit.
412
00:18:43,039 --> 00:18:45,072
If I was dead,
you could bang me all you want.
413
00:18:45,141 --> 00:18:46,407
Who cares?
414
00:18:46,475 --> 00:18:48,109
Dead body's like
a piece of trash.
415
00:18:48,177 --> 00:18:50,322
Shove as much shitin there as you want...
Turn his mike down.
416
00:18:50,346 --> 00:18:51,557
I'm trying.
I don't know how.
417
00:18:51,581 --> 00:18:53,125
You don't know how?
I don't know
which one it is.
418
00:18:53,149 --> 00:18:54,727
Fill me up with cream.
Turn me into cannoli.
419
00:18:54,751 --> 00:18:57,279
What's going on,
you idiot?
Make a stew out of my ass.
420
00:18:57,303 --> 00:18:58,880
What's the big deal?
421
00:18:58,904 --> 00:19:02,974
Bang me, eat me, grind me up
into little pieces,
throw me in the river.
422
00:19:03,042 --> 00:19:05,142
Who gives a shit?
You're dead, you're dead.
423
00:19:05,211 --> 00:19:06,844
Oh! Ooh, shit.
424
00:19:06,912 --> 00:19:08,579
Is my mike on?
Oh, God.
425
00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:11,482
- Oh!
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
426
00:19:11,550 --> 00:19:13,162
That was a mistake.
427
00:19:13,186 --> 00:19:15,819
The janitor got ahold
of the P.A. system.
428
00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:17,704
Puerto Rican guy.
429
00:19:19,074 --> 00:19:22,226
You know, the kids are great.
Uh, I love the kids.
430
00:19:22,295 --> 00:19:23,661
Not in a sexual way.
431
00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:27,398
No, I was married 20 years,
and she was a bitch,
432
00:19:27,467 --> 00:19:30,195
but she was old,
and I never had a problem
getting it up with her.
433
00:19:30,219 --> 00:19:32,548
- What is this?
- Get the girls.
434
00:19:32,572 --> 00:19:34,099
Well... Well... Well, wait.
What...
435
00:19:34,123 --> 00:19:37,691
All right, Artemis,
could you, um, give me
a little music, please?
436
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,354
Play something nice.
Play something.
437
00:19:39,378 --> 00:19:42,658
Play him out of here.
Play some music.
Yeah, okay, okay.
438
00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:46,099
♪ It's a grand old flag
A high fly... ♪
439
00:19:46,168 --> 00:19:48,803
I don't this.
I do not know this one.
440
00:19:48,871 --> 00:19:50,570
♪♪
441
00:19:50,639 --> 00:19:52,401
♪♪ Give me something like...
442
00:19:52,425 --> 00:19:55,475
Walter, come up and help me
and, uh... uh, help the people.
443
00:19:55,544 --> 00:19:57,044
Let's just leave.
Yeah, let's go.
444
00:19:57,113 --> 00:19:58,993
Let's go, 'cause this is a bad...
445
00:19:59,048 --> 00:20:01,064
I just want you to be having
a great time.
446
00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:03,984
Police.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
447
00:20:04,053 --> 00:20:06,186
Whoa.
Oh, that's it.
448
00:20:06,255 --> 00:20:08,399
I'm done.
I'm going away.
449
00:20:08,423 --> 00:20:09,924
Get your hands off me, pigs.
450
00:20:11,226 --> 00:20:12,621
Why are you taking Walter?
451
00:20:12,645 --> 00:20:14,928
Man's a diddler.
452
00:20:14,997 --> 00:20:17,914
Sick son of a bitch goes around
to all these kids' pageants,
453
00:20:17,983 --> 00:20:19,950
pretends he's an inspector.
454
00:20:20,018 --> 00:20:22,185
We've been looking for him
for a while.
455
00:20:22,255 --> 00:20:25,256
I'm just glad we finally
got him off the street.
456
00:20:25,324 --> 00:20:27,284
You got your man.
457
00:20:27,326 --> 00:20:31,228
So, there's
another unrelated
diddler in the mix?
458
00:20:31,297 --> 00:20:33,509
Well, these things
are just magnets
for those people.
459
00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:36,344
It's like throwing a picnic at
the beach and getting pissed
when the seagulls show up.
460
00:20:36,368 --> 00:20:38,613
Yeah, you have
to expect it.
Totally.
461
00:20:38,637 --> 00:20:41,967
I tell you, children's
beauty pageants are
an American tradition,
462
00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:44,269
but not a proud one.
Nope.
463
00:20:44,293 --> 00:20:45,370
I'm gonna go.
Me too.
464
00:20:45,394 --> 00:20:47,105
Let's go,
because it still doesn't...
465
00:20:47,129 --> 00:20:49,489
Wait! Wait!
Who won?
466
00:20:50,182 --> 00:20:52,316
Uh... Um, Samantha.
467
00:20:52,385 --> 00:20:53,962
She's the prettiest,
right?
Yeah.
468
00:20:53,986 --> 00:20:55,030
Come on.
Yeah.
469
00:20:55,054 --> 00:20:58,088
Yay! I'm the winner!
470
00:20:59,241 --> 00:21:02,910
♪ Yankee, Yankee, Yankee,
Yankee doodle ♪
471
00:21:02,978 --> 00:21:07,047
♪ Yankee, Yankee,
Yankee, Yankee doodle ♪
472
00:21:16,358 --> 00:21:20,127
♪ Yankee doodle went to town ♪
473
00:21:20,196 --> 00:21:23,931
♪ Riding on a pony ♪
474
00:21:23,999 --> 00:21:27,367
♪ Stuck a feather in his cap ♪
475
00:21:27,436 --> 00:21:31,105
♪ And called it macaroni ♪♪
476
00:21:42,017 --> 00:21:43,017
English - US - Line 21
35360
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