All language subtitles for Diagnosis Murder s07e01 The Roast

What's the matter? Don't you get no
respect?

Oh, that's very good, Dad, but I'm not
doing Rodney Dangerfield.

Could have fooled me.

I feel like a Vegas lounge act.

It's bad enough I got to wear this
monkey suit, but then you make me come

pick you up here and everybody can see
me. You look nice.

Besides, not every day your dad gets
honored at an award, does he?

It's a common rose, Dad. Big difference.

What do you mean?

Instead...

When we got married, you promised you'd
help me with my stand -up career, but

you have done nothing.

The truth is, being married to you has
hurt me.

I had a gift to make people laugh, but
you never nurtured me.

In fact, you squashed me.

You'd give any comic who walked into
your club a break, but your wife...

I mean, in any way, how funny could
Lou's wife be?

Oh, no.

No. If you weren't such a love machine,
I'd divorce you in a minute.

No, I don't know another Hollywood wife
who would put up with everything that

I...

I just saw Ray Masters.

You better remember to bring my
autograph book.

Jesse, you know, it's kind of an
important night tonight. I'd appreciate

you didn't... What, embarrass you? You
think I'm going to embarrass you? No,

it's not that. Just some of the hospital
board members are going to be here. We

have to keep some sense of decorum.

Mark, these comics are ruthless.

They're going to destroy every last
shred of dignity you have.

You know, they're not that bad, are
they?

Count on it.

You need more mousse, pretty boy?

Oh, Lenny.

I've been going crazy without you.

Mmm, you smell good.

Kiss me, baby. I've missed you.

I've missed you too, honey bunny.

Ow!

What's that about?

You missed me. You flew in two days ago
and you haven't even tried to call me.

I did. I tried to call.

Okay, I should have called. But, you
know, I've been on the road for ten

and I was afraid maybe you got back
together with Andy Baxter.

Andy Baxter? What, did you lose your
mind while you were on the road?

I hate a lying, drunken, two -timing
gut.

Let's play naughty, gymnast. You can be
Kathy Rigby this time.

Baby, can we do this a little later?

Later? No, my husband's here.

I'm not here.

It took me half an hour to get the hair
right.

You're worried about your hair?

Oh, Lorraine.

Oh, forget it, Lenny. You missed your
chance.

Honey bunny.

I don't know how you got together such a
great bunch of names tonight. I'm

impressed. Is Andy Baxter coming?

Not very likely.

Kind of sad what happens when you get a
successful movie.

300 million worldwide and suddenly
you're a big shot.

Well, whether he comes or not, it's
going to be a successful evening.

Just hope those comedians take it easy
on me.

Go easy on you?

Oh, you're kidding!

Mr. Conrad?

Sorry. I was wondering if I could
possibly get an autograph from you.

It's not a subpoena, is it?

No, no.

I'm just a big fan of the Conrad and
Huckabee shows. Oh, you are? I have all

them on tape.

You do? I even have a bootleg copy of
the one they never aired. The one where

you told that joke and the audience
didn't laugh and you threw that tantrum.

Actually, you started to cry.

I was on medication.

Estrogens, actually.

What's your name?

Jesse. Jesse Travis.

Jesse, Jesse Travis.

Your mother's starter?

Actually, we met a couple of years ago
when you tried to kill Mr. Huckabee.

never proved that. Oh, no.

You have a new partner now.

Tom Porter.

Porter. The guy's hysterical.

Yeah, he's also history.

I got rid of his sorry behind when I
caught him sleeping with my wife. You

what the... Why am I telling you,
anyway?

Besides, I am bigger and more successful
than I have ever been in my life. Well,

well, if it isn't Wally the tapeworm
from the cartoon channel.

It's Wally the inchworm, you moron, and
I happen to be huge with the three - to

five -year -old demographics.

There you go.

To Jesse.

I am a big, fat, incontinent pig.

Tom Porker.

You'll get that.

She's a sick little monkey.

Well, I can't believe I'm walking and
talking with Jay Wild.

I can't believe I'm talking to, uh...
Oh, I'm Amanda Bentley.

And I loved you in Cop and Saucer. I
thought your performance as a cop was...

So, so... Humorless? I wasn't going to
say that.

It's not your fault that Andy Baxter got
all the funny lines.

Well, that's because he rewrote the damn
thing.

What are you drinking?

A gin and tonic, please.

Make that two.

Yeah, that's right. Oh, Andy gets all
the good jokes, all the reviews, and the

million -dollar studio deals.

To be honest, that movie pretty much
destroyed my career.

Really? But I'm not bitter, no.

Matter of fact, I just came from LAX.

Back from a terrific gig in New Mexico.

What a life.

Filming another movie?

No, county fair.

I was a judge.

Something wrong?

Can't find my knife.

Forget the limes. Just give us the
drinks.

Excuse me, Mr. Masters.

I'm a huge fan of yours. I've seen every
episode of Not Under My Roof, you

don't, at least 30 times.

30? You hear that, Connie? 30 times. And
I don't get a nickel for those reruns,

you know. Easy, easy. Not a stinking
nickel. Easy, sweetheart. Remember your

blood pressure.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.

Who are you?

I'm Jesse Travis.

I'm friends with Mark Sloan.

I'm really looking forward to seeing you
on the dais tonight.

The day. You hear that, Connie? The day
is... Sweetheart, take your

nitroglycerin. Never mind that. I'm the
only legend in the joint. I should be

the roastmaster here. You should, and
not Lou Summers. Damn right. The only

thing funny about Lou Summers is his
tube.

Looks like a shih tzu crawled up on his
head and died there. Oh, sweetheart,

please, please don't do this to
yourself.

Oh, poor Ray. He always takes everything
so personally.

But when you think...

Of all the underhanded things that Lou
Summers has done to my darling husband

over the years, stealing his jokes,
using Ray's name to get better tables in

restaurants, and claiming that he
discovered Bill Cosby.

Oh, I swear, there are times when I
could just strangle that son of a...

Connie, now, don't go there tonight.

I'm sorry. We'll work it out in therapy
in the morning.

All right, sweetheart.

Good, dear, thank you. Can I get an
autograph?

Yeah, sure, kid. Nice that young people
still remember the old man, huh?

That'll be $35.

$45 if you want it personalized.

You charging me?

Well, his business manager insists.

It's standard.

That's the way it's done.

Excuse me.

Ray always throws up before a show. It's
a kind of good luck thing with him.

Sweet.

I'm sorry.

Lenny Rosen.

Right. Can I get an autograph?

Sure. I don't know if I can even make my
rent this month. Nobody will hire me

because you won't hire me.

When you opened the joint, I was your
headliner.

Why, Lou? Why can't I work the club
anymore?

Hey, you want the truth, Pat?

When you quit drinking, you lost your
funny.

That's the way it is. I'm sorry. Now
enjoy the show.

Dr. Sloan is so exclusive, he doesn't
even make hospital calls.

I trust Dr.

Sloan. If he treats you for a broken
arm, you can be sure that's what you're

going to die from.

Dr. Sloan told me I needed gallbladder
surgery. I said, hey, that's pretty

serious. Should I get a second opinion?

He said, sure, if you want, come back
tomorrow.

I told Dr. Sloan, I've got this ringing
in my ear. He said, Don't answer it.

I wasn't feeling well, and Dr.

Sloan said, well, you've got six months.
And I said, I can't afford to pay the

bill. He said, I'll give you another six
months.

But I've got to tell you, I've been to
some parties with this guy, and believe

me, when it comes to the ladies, he's a
real Don Juan.

The ladies don't want nothing to do with
him.

Well, we love you, Doc.

I think I almost heard a guy applauding
back there.

No, he would just slap in his face to
stay awake.

Well, as Roastmaster, it is a pleasure
to honor Mark Sloan, Joker's Club

Man of the Year.

Well,

Mark really deserves his success,
because early on he faced... Many

As a matter of fact, when he was a
child, his parents almost lost him.

But they didn't take him far enough into
the woods.

Oh, great stuff, Lou. Where'd you come
up with that old chestnut? Jokes for the

job?

Oh, that's Andy Baxter.

He's been a part of the Jack. He's
famous for this.

Don't do this, Andy.

You...

You begged me to come here. Look, look,
I got the invite right... Oh, jeez,

that's your wife's phone number. Oh,
that's weird.

Oh, come on, get out of here.

Lou, where did you dig up this lineup?

I mean, would you hold up a Comics
Wanted sign at the freeway off -ramp?

Get off the stage!

Oh, okay, okay, okay, I'll go, I'll go,
I'll go. Just let me say something to my

friend Lou here.

Come here, come here, come here, come
here.

Now, unlike the rest of you talentless
jerks, Lou was always there for me,

from the beginning.

I love you, man. Come here, let me kiss
your feet.

You're making a fool of yourself.

While I'm kissing Lou's feet, the rest
of you losers can kiss my feet. Hey,

who you calling losers?

You, you...

He's dead.

Somebody replaced a 120 amp fuse

with a 60 amp.

So when the spotlight was turned on, the
whole system shorted out.

So the killer must have known that the
emergency generator would kick in, which

would give him about ten seconds to kill
Andy.

Look, everybody else left. Why are we
the only ones who have to stay?

Well, because it was dark, they couldn't
see, and you were the only ones in the

room close enough to stab Andy Baxter.
Not me.

I wasn't even sitting on the dais. Well,
you were up there when the lights went

out. Well, I wasn't.

I never left my seat, which, by the way,
was very uncomfortable.

All right, Mrs. Summers, why don't you
give your statement to that detective

over there?

I can solve your crime in five minutes.

There's your murderer.

He tried to kill his other ex -partner
before, remember?

If anybody's a killer, it's Porter. Look
at those eyes, cold and dead, just like

the lower half of his body.

You know, no one seems to care too much
that Andy Baxter's been killed.

Jealousy.

Every comic hates to see another comic's
success.

Oh. It's in our blood. We can't help it.

Not in mine.

Personally, I didn't like Andy. But I
got a pretty happening career, so I

hate him either. You can't say the same
for the rest of these guys.

My Ray is never jealous.

He just doesn't like a liar.

Andy lied to him?

Oh, yeah. He promised me a big part in
his next picture, and then later he said

he never said it in the first place.

So he got stabbed in the back. In my
book, that's poetic justice.

Listen, I'd really love to stay, but I
can't. I've got a midnight show at the

Comedy Corner, and it's a really
important gig.

Well, no one's going anywhere, so just
sit down.

Okay, then.

You didn't have anything to do with
this, did you? I've done some stupid

in my life.

The county fair was probably one of
them, but I've never killed anybody.

I spoke with the bartender. He said his
knife disappeared earlier this evening.

It was there when I was at the bar.

Well, come to think of it, it wasn't
there when we got our drinks.

Any prints on the knife?

It's just the bartender's.

Forensics dusted the handle.

I found this right beside the body. He
probably used it to hold the knife.

I'll bag it.

Mark, you've got to help me.

Dudley Do -Right here doesn't want me to
go to the little boy's room. And I keep

telling him, there is no exit backstage.

Everyone has to stay in the main room
until they've all been cleared of

suspicion. Lou can't wait that long.

He has the bladder the size of a
thimble.

Oh, good, Liz. Tell the world, why don't
you?

Officer, he won't be going anywhere. Go
ahead, Lou. I'll vouch for your bladder.

Thank you. Thank you.

Lou! Lou!

This is Lou.

Yeah, I got to go. Not now.

You tell a comic he's not funny.

Lou, it's like telling him he's not a
man. I know, I know. And I still got it,

Lou. I'm funny. I'm funny. Not now.

Listen, three dogs are in a pound, see?
Okay, so the first dog says to the

second dog, how long you in for? How
long you in for? And the second dog

Ray, Ray, Ray, come here.

Good joke. You tell him the joke.

Lou, what joke?

Okay, three dogs are in a pound. Yeah.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I guess so.

It'll take some time.

I know. It's hard to believe Andy's
gone.

Oh. I meant it'll take some time to
break these shoes in. They're killing

But they're so cute, aren't they?

Here.

Let me do that.

Oh.

That's good.

Ooh.

That's good. That's great.

You know, a funny thing just happened. I
called the comedy corner and they said

they don't have a midnight show tonight.
As a matter of fact, they've never had

midnight shows.

Huh. That is funny.

Hmm. I must have been thinking of the
comedy castle.

Hmm. Or the comedy cupboard.

Could be. Could be.

Oh, all right, I didn't have a midnight
gig. I just wanted to get out of here. I

mean, it's creepy, dead people and all.

Yuck.

Look, I know he was a jerk, but aren't
you the least bit upset about Andy?

Well, of course I am. I mean, I'm human,
you know.

I really am very glad to see you.

Oh, Lenny.

What do you say, uh...

After this murder thing is over, we zip
on over to the Marmont for some post

-roast toasties.

What about your husband?

He's not really here.

But, um, maybe I should call him and
tell him that I'm going to be very,

very late.

Hey. Uh, things didn't go exactly as
planned.

Yeah, I can't leave now.

There's something that, uh, I gotta do
first.

Well, it doesn't concern you. I just...
I have to finish something I started.

Ah, don't be that way.

Look, I gotta go. Somebody's coming. I
can't talk. Bye.

So the second dog says to the first dog,
it was unbearable.

My master went out, left me locked in
the apartment for ten days.

Now I'm sitting there, see?

Wait a minute. Mark, listen, you've got
to hear this fantastic joke.

Tell him, will you?

Where are you going? I'm not finished.

I'm here.

Okay, I'll try one more time.

Look, Mr. Zito, I'd love to hear a good
joke, but right now we're conducting a

homicide investigation.

I guess they're right.

I'm not funny anymore.

Oh, no, I didn't mean that. No, no, it's
not your fault. It's everybody.

Nobody will even listen to my jokes
anymore.

I might as well face it. My career has
left the building.

It's over.

Down the toilet.

Kaput. I'm done.

Finished. Washed up.

Yesterday's news. Look, I'll... One
short joke, okay?

Oh, okay.

Three dogs were in the pounds, you know.
And the first dog says to the second

dog... Wait a minute. What is the one
where the third dog comes and says, I'm

just here to get my nails clipped?

You know, I don't do kidney transplants,
and you don't do punchlines.

I'm suffering.

Jeez.

Mark, have you seen Jesse anywhere?

I saw him about 20 minutes ago. Why?

Dad, Amanda, back here.

What happened?

I don't know. I found him like this.

Somebody must have clubbed him from
behind.

Okay, look into my eyes.

Well, it looks like he could have
suffered a slight concussion. I'll keep

on him.

But who would have done something like
this?

Probably the same person that did this.

More likely,

a little bronze lady.

My award, it was on the table over
there.

Blood spots on it.

Whoever hit you with it must have killed
Lou.

Why can't they just give you a
certificate?

What happened?

I'm sorry, you gentlemen will have to
stay in the main room. This is a murder

scene. Well, so is the main room.

There's two killers running amok around
this joint.

You know, I don't think so.

Two murders? It's not likely. Is it more
likely that the first murder was a

mistake? You mean the killer wasn't out
to get Andy Baxter?

Well, think about it.

Nobody knew that Andy was going to be
here for sure tonight. He was standing

right in front of Lou just before he was
stabbed.

The killer must have been so desperate
to get rid of Lou that after that first

mistake, he just kept trying.

I think we're dealing with one murderer
here.

I can't believe I'm never going to see
him again or hold him.

He left the house before I did, and I
never got to kiss him goodbye.

You two came in separate cars?

We had to.

He told me he was going to meet someone
after the roast, but he didn't say who.

Oh, Ray and I are going to miss him
terribly.

Terribly. And you know, we even named
our little puppy after him. Oh, the Shih

Tzu.

Yes, yes.

Steve is a reporter with you.

Tell him to wait outside until I'm ready
to give a statement, would you? First

of all, he's a she, and she said she had
some information that might be

pertinent to the investigation.

She's backstage.

You've got five minutes.

I only need two.

Lou Summers called me this morning.

What about?

Said to meet him back here after the
rest.

Why? Don't know. Said he had something
to give me for my column tomorrow.

And you have no idea what?

No idea.

Maren Briggs.

Lieutenant Sloan? Lieutenant.

Unusual first name.

It's Steve.

I know.

Anytime I can help.

Appreciate the help.

Bye.

Pretty girl.

She's not a girl, Dad. She's a reporter.

Oh, I didn't know you couldn't be both.

I think we should look through Lou's
belongings. He was planning on giving

something to Maren.

The reporter?

Yeah.

Lou always had such beautiful hair.

Oh, oh, Lou.

Liz, I know this is a little difficult
for you, but it's important.

We'd like for you to go through all
these things and tell us if there's

he would not ordinarily carry or if
there's anything missing.

Wait, let's see.

Well, all of his credit cards are here.

And his driver's license and his senior
citizen's discount card.

Oh.

Oh, there's a picture of us at our son's
wedding.

He broke his foot that night doing the
horror.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

This is so hard for me to say, but it's
just, it's eating me up.

I think Lorraine Kay is the killer. Why
is that?

Do you remember how anxious she was to
get out of here to play a midnight show

at a comedy club?

Well, there wasn't any show.

I made some calls.

So you're saying she's a murderer
because she lied about a job?

No, there's more than that.

She and Andy Baxter had an affair. It
was a big secret. Then she broke it off,

but she was always terrified that in one
of his drunken rages, Andy would tell

her husband.

Some friend I am telling you all this.

I still don't see why she would have any
reason to kill Mr.

Summers. Well, maybe she was afraid
Lusar would kill Andy Baxter.

About a minute after Lou went backstage,
Lorraine made some lame excuse about

having to make a phone call. Then she
followed him.

Now, there's a perfectly good phone in
the lobby, but she insisted upon using

the one all the way backstage. Don't you
find that a bit odd?

Well, a little odd, maybe, but I don't
think that's proof of murder.

Look, I love Lorraine like a sister, but
she's got a dark side.

Well, isn't that true of most comics?

The good ones, yeah.

You consider yourself one of the good
ones, don't you, Mr. Rosen?

I do, one of the best.

Because I've got a pretty good idea who
the killer is.

Who?

You.

That's ridiculous. I had no reason to
kill Andy, and I certainly had no reason

to kill Lou. He was like a father to me.

Steve, connect the dots here for me.
We're looking for means, opportunity,

motive. Motive?

I owe my career to Lou. He gave me my
big break.

He invited all these network people down
to the laugh joint to watch my act. And

they went crazy over you.

Offered you your own TV show.

Exactly. So, what's my motive for
killing him?

Extreme gratitude?

I still don't see the dots connecting.

Lou gave Lenny the idea of setting a
show on a comedy club.

As a matter of fact, he named the owner
of the club Lou.

I didn't know you were such a TV trivia
buff.

I just talked to a reporter that
remembers the story very well.

Lou thought Lenny was ripping him off.

The show sold into syndication for
millions, and Lou figured he was

a piece of it.

Everybody knew I wasn't happy when Lou
sued me.

But what your reporter neglected to tell
you was the case was settled out of

court. Not only was Lou compensated, he
got a co -created -by -screen credit,

and that was because I insisted on it.

So, I guess you can kiss your motive,
bye -bye.

The angle of incidence for both the blow
to the back of the head and the stamble

went from right to left.

which tells me that the killer was
probably right -handed, but Mr. Rosen's

-handed. I saw him give an autograph to
Jesse.

I think he will owe me an apology.

Lieutenant, Dr. Travis is looking for
you.

Looks like somebody tried to flush the
evidence.

Anything look familiar there, Liz?

Not really.

Is it a girl?

Well, I think it's more than one girl.
There's a blonde, there's a brunette,

then there's someone in there with
darker skin.

I just don't know.

Do you remember if there was a picture
in there?

Oh, yes.

Oh, Lou always carried around pictures
of our three granddaughters.

Molly's picture is missing.

Does Molly look like any of these?

Well, Molly has dark brown hair, so it's
not the blonde.

And she wouldn't be caught dead wearing
bangs.

And this just isn't her nose. It's much
too broad.

I really thought we had something here.
I'm sorry, Liz.

Wait.

Wait. Let me take a look at this again.

Lou's picture of Molly.

That was when she was 14 years old,
before she had her nose job.

Oh, yes, it was her sweet 16 present.

Oh, yes, yes, that's definitely Molly's
old nose.

It looked just like Lou's.

Lou was probably going to give that
picture to the reporter, and the killer

didn't want it to happen.

Picture of his granddaughter and two
other girls.

What's the connection?

Is there a computer around here?

Yes, yes, there's one in the office.

I need three.

Three of these?

Two for me.

Two for the man's one.

I'll stay with these.

Adulterer! That does it. I refuse to let
you spread vicious rumors about me.

Are you denying it? Yes, I never slept
with your wife.

I walked in on you. Well, I mean, I
slept with her, but I never slept with

Uh -huh. Okay, come on. Let's get it on.
Come on. Come on. Commander, man, let's

go. Tim, we all fell asleep on the sofa
after an exhausting game of Pinochle.

Yeah, that's your story. Well, it's the
true story. Believe me, I would

remember. I mean, Mitzi, wow, wow, we.

All right, that's it. Boy, two murders
have been after one night, don't you

think? Sit down.

And no kibitzing, Lorraine.

Okay, I'm going to open with $2.

What's he doing?

Either he's figuring out who the
murderer is or he's lost his cuff link

Filthy laundry?

Folks,

I'm happy to say that you'll all be able
to go home very soon.

Well, I may rephrase that, everybody,
but the murderer can go home very soon.

Because I'm about to tell you exactly
who the killer is.

All right, everyone, what we're going to
do is play a little version of musical

chairs here.

We're going to find out who had the
opportunity and the means and the motive

have committed these murders.

And by the simple process of
elimination, whoever's still sitting on

the killer.

Not a bad idea for a game show, Mark. We
should talk.

Right. We'll talk about it later, Ray.

Okay, I think we'll start with Mr.

Wilde. Now, Jay flew in from New Mexico
tonight, and he came directly from the

airport. And he entered the club with my
friend Amanda Bentley.

In order to commit the murder, someone
had to change that fuse so that the

spotlight would blow.

Mr. Weill was never out of the sight of
Amanda, so he would never have been

alone long enough to change that fuse.

So I can step down now? Be my guest,
Jay. Thank you.

Okay, now we come to Mr.

Masters.

Now, Ray was in the room while that
knife was still on the bar there, but

he went to the bathroom, and he didn't
come back until just before the roast

started.

Never went near the bar again.

I always knew throwing up would bring me
good luck.

I'm out of here.

Due to the angle of the knife wound and
the blow to the head, we believe that

the killer was right -handed.

Now, I know that Lenny Rosen is left
-handed, and so is Tom Porter.

Saw Tom dealing cards a little earlier.

All right, so we come now down to Mr.
Pat Zito.

Pat was in the room when that knife was
still on the bar.

But he was approaching the stage just as
the lights went out. I'm innocent.

I agree with you. You didn't do it, Pat.

Because from the time Lou went to the
bathroom right up until the moment he

murdered, there you were, Pat, standing
out there trying to get someone, anyone,

to listen to your joke.

It doesn't help when people step on your
punchline. I'm sorry about that, Pat.

You may have murdered a lot of jokes in
your time, but you never killed anybody.

Yeah, low blow, Sloan.

I gotta hit the jar, and that chicken's
not sitting well.

All right. That narrows it down to Mr.

Tim Conrad and Miss Lorraine Kay.

When the lights went out, Tim jumped up
from his chair.

He said he was trying to get away from
Andy Baxter.

He never tells the truth. Look at his
driver's license.

It says he's six foot one.

Tonight, he wasn't lying.

Look at this.

Blueberry stain on his shirt there. Why
he never washes his clothes?

That stain is probably there from
laughing.

No, this is a little more recent.
Tonight, as a matter of fact, when he

up, he ran into a dessert cart and
knocked a plate of blueberry pie onto

floor. And he was headed that direction,
off page.

Something's wrong.

I didn't do anything, I swear.

You were still in the room when the
knife was on the bar, right?

And then when Lou went to the bathroom,
you left shortly after.

That was just to make a phone call. I
asked Lenny.

Did Lenny go with you?

Well, it was kind of a personal call.

You know how we girls are.

Lorraine, I'm going to ask you to do me
a favor. Will you just walk across the

stage for us?

Why? Humor me.

Jesse, did you hear any clicking like
that just before you were knocked out?

No, and Lou didn't either.

Because otherwise, he would have turned
around and been hit in the front of the

head instead of the back.

What if his hearing aids were turned
off? Then he wouldn't have been able to

hear anything.

That's true, Tom, except Lou had both of
his hearing aids turned all the way up.

Maybe she took her shoes off.

What are you doing, Lenny?

You think I did?

Oh, no, baby, but hey, take a look
around. You're the only one left up

Well, that's it, Lenny. You can just
forget about meeting me later at the

Marmont.

You know, he's right. You could have
taken your shoes off and snuck up on

and he wouldn't have heard you.

I want to ask you to do a favor. Would
you take your shoe off?

Thank you. Can I see the sole of your
foot?

Clean. And the backstage area isn't. If
she had had her shoes off, the sole of

her foot would be filthy.

It looks like you can step down, too,
Miss K.

Dad, what just happened here?

We've got two dead bodies, two murder
weapons, and no murderer. You know,

maybe the game show thing won't work out
after all. No murderer. Kind of takes

the oomph out of it. No, there's a
murderer. All right, Ray. And he had a

of a motive, too.

Jesse, would you tell them what you
found out?

Sure.

There's a website on the Internet. It's
called Filthy Laundry.

I pulled it up. It's on the computer in
the office.

Anyway, it's loaded with Hollywood
gossip and tabloid stuff.

About a week ago, they ran a blind item
about a comic who has a thing for young

girls.

Very young girls.

Hmm. Suppose one of those young girls
was Lou's granddaughter.

Lou was morally outraged. He wanted this
comic exposed.

Makes sense.

So Lou was going to hand over a picture
of his granddaughter and two other

underage girls to Marin, the...

reporter tonight? Exactly.

Now, the killer got wind of this, and he
was going to make sure that that did

not happen.

So he changed the fuse in the fuse box
so that when the spot went on, the

would go out, and he'd have about 10
seconds to stab Lou.

He went to the bar, and he stole that
knife when the bartender wasn't looking.

Unfortunately, when the lights came on,
he discovered he had missed his intended

victim, but he didn't give up.

He saw Lou go backstage.

So he followed him. He was going to
ambush him when he came out of the

But he heard someone coming.

He quickly ducked behind a curtain.

Then knocked Jesse out.

After he bludgeoned Lou,

Casually walked right back here into the
main room.

You know, this is such a wonderful old
place.

So many gifted, talented people have
walked through those doors.

Dad, are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.

Look at that ceiling.

You simply don't see crown molding like
that anymore.

What's wrong with him? Is he getting up?

Oh, no, there's method to his madness.

I hope.

Look at that.

Laurel and Hardy fooling around with
Harold Lloyd.

Dad, you've had a rough night. You want
me to take you home?

I said I'm fine, son.

Trust me.

Believe it or not, I think the dots are
starting to connect.

I remember noticing this picture when we
came in.

It's a shot of the Joker's Club
celebrity softball game of 1998. Oh,

remind me. We lost 28 to 2.

Tough game.

Those strippers had an awesome infield.

What interested me was the catcher here.
He's got his mitt on his left hand,

which means he's right -handed, not left
-handed, like he said he was.

You find that interesting, Mr. Rosen?

What are you getting at?

Nice catch.

Can we spell ambidextrous?

So I'm ambidextrous. What does that
prove?

Well, it proves almost everything.

Only a handful of people here could have
possibly committed the crime, and

they've all been eliminated.

You were only eliminated because you
said you were left -handed.

As it turns out, you're not. You're
right -handed.

And that narrows the list down to just
one, Lenny. And it's you.

Wait. I can explain this. It's... I
broke a date to go to the Marmont with

Do you know who I made that phone call
to?

David Letterman.

That's right.

Big Dave.

He's in town.

And he was dying to see me.

And I blew him off just to be with you?

I hate you, Lenny.

And I hate your hair.

Cop him and get him out of here.

You scared me there for a minute, but
I've got to hand it to you. You solved

No, actually, you did. You said it was
Lenny. I just filled in the details.

Like the motive and how he did it?

Well, lucky hunch.

You know, Lou and I,

well, we fought sometimes.

Whoa.

Well, every marriage has its ups and
downs.

Oh, Lou would have wanted so much to
hand you that award personally.

I know.

If it wasn't for you, I would have lost
him years ago to one illness or another.

You kept him going.

He was a great man, Liz.

Neither one of us will ever forget him.

Oh, thank you so much.

Sorry, Dad.

Exhibit A.

I'll clean it up and give it back to you
after the trial. Yeah, okay.

It would have been nice to hold it for a
second.

Gee, folks, I'm a little nervous
tonight, I must admit, which is strange

I'm usually so good at these roasts.

I was there at Mark's office the other
day, and I said I wasn't feeling too

well. He said, well, you have walking
pneumonia.

I said, what should I do? He said, well,
take two pills every three miles.

That can't be right.

So I'm playing baseball last month, and
I sprained my ankle. I go to Mark, and I

ask him what I should do. He tells me I
should limp.

Limp? Is that supposed to be funny,
Mark?

Mark, congratulations. Listen, I know it
looks like I couldn't be here tonight

because I'm out of town, but that's not
true. The truth is I've seen your work,

and this is as close as I ever want to
get to you, ever again.