All language subtitles for [zmk.pw]Almost.Heroes.1998.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

In 1804,
president Thomas Jefferson

commissioned Merriweather Lewis
and William Clark

to explore the vast, uncharted
territories of the northwest.

What most people don't know is
there was a second expedition,

led by two other men,

Men that may not have
possessed the courage,

vision, or intelligence
of Lewis and Clark,

but men nonetheless.

Their story, such as it is,

begins in Arlington, Virginia.

Yaah! It'll take more
than a couple of fops

to take me down!
I tell you--

I hope Satan himself
burns the flesh

from your
miserable bones!

Good God, lady.

Get your hands
off me!

Leave me alone!

Faster, man, faster!

But not too fast!

As much haste as possible

while maintaining a
tolerable level of comfort.

A man's life is
at stake. Ah-ah!

On March 25, 1804,

Bartholomew Hunt,
a tracker employed by

the army of the
United States of America,

was found guilty of drunken
and disorderly conduct

in the presence of an officer.

Then later, he forced
that officer to waltz with him

through a crowded mess hall.

Have you
anything to say?

Yes, I do.

When I am dead and have
passed on to the next world,

I want you to lower me
from these gallows and...

Kiss my hairy buttocks!

Hang him! Hang him!

Hang him!
Hang him!

Hang him,
then shoot him!

Hang him! Hang him!

Hang him!
Hang him!

May God have mercy
on this man.

Aah!

Oh!

Out of the way!
Get back. Get back.

Out of the way. Get back.
Out of the way.

I have a stay of execution

signed by
President Jefferson himself!

See? He signed it right here.

"Thomas Jefferson"!

-Sorry.
-Thank you.

oh, God!

Mr. Hunt, I plan
on being the first man

to map a route
to the Pacific,

but I require an expert guide.

You wanted a tracker,
why'd you choose me?

Why didn't you
get William Clark?

Don't you think I tried?

Oh.

Merriweather Lewis
beat me to him.

I'm sick to death
of those two!

Lewis and Clark this,
Lewis and Clark that!

Well, we'll see
who talks about them

after we beat them
to the Pacific.

Then we'll see who gets invited
to the finest parties.

We'll see who's able to parlay
their accomplishments

into a political career.

When the history books
are written,

Lewis and Clark will be but
a footnote to a footnote,

and I, sir,
will be the... Note!

My hands
will grow rough,

my teeth may yellow,

I might even experience a
general soreness in the joints.

Yes, this mission will be
a treacherous one,

make no mistake.

We will face danger from
savages and from bears.

Oh.

These bears are wild,
mind you,

not trained
carnival bears with...

Little hats.

Sounds
exhilarating, sir.

Few men would have
the courage

for such
an endeavor.

I'm not afraid, Mr. Burr.
My mind will protect me.

I'm a man of science,
a man of learning,

a man who knows how
to buy the finest books.

Fear will be our breakfast

and stark, raving terror
our daily luncheon.

Eh, Mr. Hunt?

Mr. Hunt?

I'd be more worried about
the Indians than the bears.

It's common knowledge

that when the savages
capture a white man,

they will split open his head,
pick out his brains,

and eat them with
a crudely fashioned fork.

So...

Have you witnessed
such atrocities Mr. Hunt?

I've, uh, seen the forks.

You look like a man who
appreciates good whiskey.

Uh, thank you, sir,
but I fear inebriation

may cause me
to forget my manners

in such fine company.

Good God, man, I'm not talking
about getting blind drunk.

I just meant for you
to have a taste.

Well, then...

A taste it shall be.

Ahh... Ha ha!

Not bad.

How about you get
your own bottle?

-Whoa-oa-oap!

Good morning.

I had Jonah put you
in here last night.

It seemed a barn was
the only suitable place

for a man
in your condition.

I think there was something
wrong with that whiskey.

My head is splittin' open.

I'm surprised
you're hung over at all,

considering the amount

you regurgitated
into the harpsichord.

Oh, God.

Look, um,
sorry about that.

I'd better go now.

Mr. Hunt, Mr. Hunt.

I cannot go on this
journey without you.

I'm offering you
a full partnership.

What do you
think of that?

I think it ain't worth
the spit you wasted saying it.

I'm also willing
to pay you $100.

200.

125.

150.

Deal.

Great things
are in store for us!

Soon our names
will be on the lips of...

Well, on a great many
influential lips.

Are you listening,
Mr. Hunt?

Mr. Hunt?

Ah.

I believe those pigs would
prefer their privacy.

Hell, paid good money to see
this onstage in Louisville.

Of course, there,
the pigs were dressed

like the King and Queen
of France.

Ah, costumes.
Legitimate theater.

I'm looking for Leslie Edwards.

I am Leslie Edwards.

My name's Jackson.
It's been my lifelong dream

to see the Pacific Ocean
before I die.

Please take me with you.

An old bag of bones
like you

wouldn't make it
100 yards upriver.

On my worst day, I could still
beat the stuffing outta you,

you puffed-up crow's cock.

No, you couldn't.

I know.
Please take me with you.

I must see the Pacific.

Can you deny
an old man his dream?

I cannot,
and I will not.

Jackson,
you may accompany us.

Horse's ass.

Turd.

Help us load the boats.

Sorry, can't do.
I'm an old man.

Edwards, this man says you
hired him as an interpreter.

Ah. You must be Guy Fontenot.

I am.

It is my understanding
that you have mastered

the languages of all
the indigenous population

from here to the Pacific.

Who told you this?

Why, you did, in your letter.

My letter.

Ah, the letter.

Yes. Then
it is the truth.

Wonderful.

Which boat will we be in?

We?

Fontenot wants
to bring his wife.

I told him he can't.

She's not my wife.
Not my wife.

I buy her. She belong
to me as a property.

Ah. Well, the distinction
has been noted.

Unfortunately, as you
can see, the boats
have been fully loaded,

and we haven't even taken
on my hats and tea service.

They say you can't come.

You didn't
let me finish.

Certainly
we can make room.

I mean,
who needs tea?

Let it be known...

That if I catch any man
looking at her...

I will gut him like a pig.

Yes. Yes. I'll see if I can
work that into my speech.

Hey!

Uh-uh.

Father.

Dear Lord in Heaven...

Bless us as we leave
this Christian world...

And give us courage

to bring your gospel
of love and tolerance

to the ignorant, godless
savages who await us.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

All right, let's go!

Hold on, Mr. Hunt.
Hold on, everyone.

I've prepared
a short address

to commemorate
our embarkation.

Here we go.

Men, we are about to embark

on an unprecedented adventure
to the great northwest.

Unfortunately, Lewis and Clark
have a two week head start,

so time is of the essence.

We will be pushing
up the Missouri--

What? Against
the current?

Mightn't it be easier
to go down the Mississippi

instead of up the Missouri?

Yes, it most
certainly would be.

We could go to
New Orleans instead.

Ooh.

Gentlemen, gentlemen,
we have already been
to New Orleans.

Ooh, sir, I've been
to New Orleans.
It's wonderful.

I've been there as well.

The food alone
is worth the trip.

The food.
Sir, oh, the food!

New Orleans! New Orleans!

New Orleans! New Orleans!

New Orleans! New Orleans!

All right, fine!

Any man who is
too cowardly to share

the greatest adventure in
our young country's history

and would rather experience
the decadence of New Orleans...

Well, then go right ahead.

Mr. Hunt, do something.

Next man
who leaves for New Orleans

will do so with a lead ball
in his back!

Need I remind you that
you all have signed contracts?

What about them?

Well, they will be
dealt with.

By who?

All right, they escaped.

Now, get in the boat!

Everyone!

And so,
our journey begins.

I believe the men and I
share a tremendous sense

of excitement and anticipation
for what lies ahead.

Thank you, Higgins.

Your music will be a welcome
companion on our journey.

Men, we'll be following the map
of trapper Pierre LeBlanc

who explored the Missouri
in 1792.

Hunt, you've traversed
most of these territories.

Tell the men what they
might expect to encounter.

Okay.

Well, what I remember
most were the animals.

Ah, the animals.

Fearsome beasts of
the mountains and plains.

I seen a bear so powerful

that it snapped
a man's body in half

with its huge jaws.

I seen a badger with paws
as big as frying pans.

Now, that'd rip your face
right off. Right off!

There's nothing you can do
with that! Just rip it off!

Once there was a hawk that
swooped down from the sky...

Caw! Caw! Caw!

And plucked a man's eyeballs
out of his sockets.

Ow! Aah!

The fella was screaming,
"I'm blind! I can't see!

"Oh, God! I can't get it off!
I can't get it off!"

Twice when
I was fishing--

Hunt! Hunt! Hunt!

I think you're
scaring the men.

I think it's best they know.

Gives a man courage to know
what he's up against.

There's an animal now!

Ha-ha-ha!

Kill it!

We can't kill it!

We're all dead!

God save us!

Hold your fire!
Hold your fire!

It's only a squirrel.

He's got something
in his hand!

Something in his hand!

31 May, 1804...

We are now spending
our first night in the wilds.

From this point on,
hardship and depravation

will be
our constant companions.

Jonah! It is absolutely
brutal out here!

The water's nowhere near
as hot as it was in Virginia.

I wouldn't know, sir.

Personally, I just finished
washing my privates

In the ice-cold river.

I think I'll--
Yes, I think I'll wear

my paisley robe
this evening.

It's your
prerogative, sir.

Yes, it is.

Mr. Hunt here
to see you, sir.

I just thought I'd tell you,

there's already a problem
with the men's morale.

It's our first night out.

How can there
already be a problem?

Well, one faction feels that
you're distant and that
you don't care about them.

Another group feels
the original high-minded goals
of the expedition

have been abandoned
for quick profits.

You, uh...

You have to keep on top
of these things.

And we are
all in this together.

We are no different
from one another.

Except, of course,
for our rank in society

and in this company.

Let us get
better acquainted.

What do you do with
your leisure time?

Leisure time...

You know,
time for yourself

where you
don't have to work.

Leisure--

Never mind.

You there, fingering
that stomach wound,

stand up and tell us
a little about yourself.

Me, sir?

Yes, you.
Bidwell, isn't it?

Yes, sir.

What did you
want to know?

Well, anything.
Where are you from?

What's your family like?

Name's Bidwell, sir.

Yes, I know that.

All right, well.
Anyone else?

Sir? Higgins
has a story.

Oh! Oh, yes, you're
gonna love this one.

Well, all right, Higgins.
The floor is yours.

This particular event
happened last summer

on my uncle's farm
in Virginia.

My brother and I

had just finished
cutting a field of hay

and were enjoying
the evening meal

under the shade
of an elm tree.

He went down for water
by the creek,

and while he was gone,
I took a bowl

that was filled with
delicious plum pudding

and placed into it

not one, but two large
pieces of sheep shit.

When he-- When he returned,

I encouraged him to taste
the plum pudding,

and as sure as I'm
standing before you today,

he did! He ate it all!

Shit pudding!

He ate shit pudding!

You got your brother
to eat sheep dung.

Yes.

Yes, that's a very
amusing story.

Tell him...

Tell him the ending.

That's the best part.

Oh, yeah!

And to be completely
honest, sir,

I have no brother.

It was me!

I ate sheep shit!

I swear! I did!

Yes... Yes, clever twist
on the end there.

Well, I think we've become
well enough acquainted

For one evening.

Fun, fun.

He ain't got
a brother!

Higgins...

When I said your music would
be a welcome companion,
I didn't mean--

Don't you know
any other goddamn tune?

Huh?

No, sir.

Of course
you do, lad.

Play 'em that
haunting air

you played me
this morning.

Quiet.

What is it?

Indians.

These are the Iowas.

Fontenot, please greet this man
in his native tongue.

Why do I laugh?

You see, of the hundreds
of language

that I speak
fluent,

this is not
one of them.

Hmm.

Bad luck.

They do trade with whites.
He probably speaks English.

Ah.

Good day.

I bring you wishes for peace
from Thomas Jefferson,

the great chief
of the whites.

Ow.

You've insulted him.

You forgot to introduce
yourself.

I am Bartholomew Hunt,

and this here
is Leslie Edwards.

Your turn.

I was told
you speak English.

Is this so?

Well, we seem to be
making some progress.

Let me try something.

We wish to try...

Forget this.

We come in peace on behalf
of President Jefferson!

-You--
-Hunt. Hunt.

Hey...

I am
Chief Two Roads.

If you're the chief,
then who is that?

His name
is Bent Wig.

He's not right
in the head.

I've caught it. Now
what do I do with it?

Put it on.

All right.

Oh, God!
What are you doing?

Let me breathe!

Ahh, good news.

Looks like they're
going to let us live.

Let us live?

I had to give them a few
of your finer things,
of course,

so they wouldn't
kill us.

They seemed so friendly.

That's the way
of the savage.

Pretend to be your friend,
share a drink,

listen to your problems,

next thing you know,
they're scooping your
brains out with a spoon.

You mean a fork.

That-- That would
depend on the tribe.

Mr. Hunt, the Iowas
would never have killed us.

I know that.

I'm just not carrying that junk
with us the whole trip.

Aah! Help!
Help me!

You keep away! Aah!

what the hell's going on?

Bidwell, take it easy!

Aah!

What's happening here?

Sir, that French animal
bit my ear off!

Well, that's an absurd
exaggeration.

My apologies, Bidwell.

He look in our tent.

He look at my woman.

He saw her breast.

Her breast?
You saw her breast?

I'll say it before
and I said it again,

any man who look
at her will die.

Look at me! I'm going
to make an experiment.

Hello?

Bidwell?

Can you hear me?

I can hear you, Pratt.

It works!

Well of course it works.
He's standing right--

Let's get some sleep.

Good night, Bidwell.

♪ Lullaby
and good night ♪

The race
to the Pacific continues.

Although still bent on beating
Lewis and Clark,

I am cataloging new varieties
of flora and fauna.

I seem to be the only man
with an interest in science,

aside from Pratt

and his dubious experiment
with Bidwell's ear.

I shall name this flower
"Amanda's bloom."

Mr. Hunt, as my partner,

you should be naming some
of our discoveries as well.

Uh...

Me?

Yes.

You could name that fork
in the river, for instance.

Perhaps there's a loved one
you'd care to immortalize.

Loved one.

Yeah, sure.

Ha. I know.

I name this here fork...

"Pittsburgh Nellie."

A Welsh whore

who could do things
with her one good arm

that would make you forget
that thing on her neck.

By permitting
Mr. Hunt to name some
of our discoveries,

I have unleashed
his imagination.

He now insists
that I teach him to read.

His enthusiasm reminds me
of the schoolboy I once was.

Are you ready?

Yes.

Excellent.

This...

Is the uppercase...

"A."

You know, I spent a day
in school once,

but the schoolmarm
claimed

that I just couldn't
concentrate.

Let's prove her wrong,
shall we?

You know, I've waited years
to hear somebody say that.

Again.

Hunt.

This is the uppercase...

"A."

Ahh.

The uppercase "A."

Heh. Got that.

All right.

Ahh.

Whoa.

And this
is the lowercase...

"a."

The...

L-lower...

Case...

"A."

Oh, God.

Ohh.

Ohh...

God.

Oh, God.

Okay.

Yep.

And this is the--

Enough!

Do you want my head
to explode?

In the name of all
that is good and decent,

No more for today!

In exchange
for reading lessons,

Mr. Hunt reciprocates

by teaching me
some of his frontier skills.

The buffalo
is near now.

Ah, you can tell that just
by sniffing its droppings.

No.

I can see the herd
right over there.

Hmm.

Well, then
why are you...

Mmm.

No, I shouldn't, uh...

I couldn't possibly...

Ohh.

Oh, ohh.

Edwards!

You're not doing any naming
up here without me,

huh, partner?

Uh, no, no.

Hey, uh,
what you looking at?

The moon.

I was looking
at the moon.

For me, the moon brings
to mind "romance."

Yeah.

Have you ever been
in love, Mr. Hunt?

Uh...

I've had my head
under a petticoat or two.

Good lord.

Must you and the others

reduce everything
to its crudest terms?

Well...

I thought I cleaned it up
rather nicely for you.

Mr. Hunt,

behold the object
of my desire.

Behold an angel

sent down
from on high.

Angel from on high.

Huh?

Oh, my God.

From here on out

you keep your distance,
all right?

What?

No.

No, no, no!

Get out of the way,
you big French oaf!

Behind Fontenot.

Now you see?

Oh, yeah.

Now I see.

Whoa.

All right,

That's enough,
Mr. Hunt.

Ohhhhhh!

I said all right!

Mr. Hunt,
that will be enough!

Ohh, I understand.

You wanna watch her
by yourself.

You wanna be alone

so you can shake hands
with Ben Franklin, huh?

You know,

polish the pewter.

Polish the pewter?

Why, Jonah does that
for me.

Yeah, right.

What?

No!

Mr. Hunt, I assure you,
I've never...

10, July.

Have driven the men hard,

and I'm positive we've closed
the gap on Lewis and Clark.

However,
because of the currents,

I surmised
that we'd be better off

portaging for the next
several miles.

Yaaah!

It's hard work,

but it's nothing compared
to the deadly currents

we'd be battling
on the mighty Missouri.

Pull!

Here we go!

Heave!

Heave!

Psst.

Everybody wake up.

Oh...

My...

God.

Whatever you do,
don't move.

If he sees you,

You're dead.

My nose itches.

Don't scratch it.

Feels like there's
a bug up in there.

Wait.

I think it's leavin'.

I'm gonna scratch it.

You scratch your nose,
you're dead.

Oh, I don't know
what's worse,

The bear
or my itchy nose.

No! Don't!

The bear is worse!

The bear
is definitely worse!

That poor, poor man.

Bidwell.

Can you hear me?

Bidwell,
can you hear me?

Can you--

I fear the bear has killed
Mr. Bidwell, sir.

He's failed
to communicate with me

by way of his ear.

It doesn't work
that way.

It doesn't work
any way.

But even if it did,

he couldn't talk
through it.

Bidwell?

Never mind.

Help me!

Bidwell!

Sir.

Sir, I've been
to hell and back.

Yes, I can see that.

I suspect that now

you'll want to lead
a hunting party

to slay
that terrible beast!

Well, yes, that thought
did cross my mind...

Briefly...

But now I have
a better idea.

Yes, sir?

I shall fashion for you

the finest wooden leg
you've ever seen.

Ohh.

But what about the bear?

Rest assured, Bidwell,

in 20 years or so,
the ravages of old age

will deal with the bear
far more cruelly

than we ever could have.

Revenge is sweet, sir.

29, July.

We reached
the final settlement

before entering
uncharted territory

and God only knows what.

Well, it seems
as if we've arrived--

Wait!

I can read it.

I can read it.

Maw...

Hawba...

Pfftt-pey...

En...

Tin-tey...

For the love of God,
man!

It says "Welcome
to Snakes Bend"!

Ohh! God, yeah.

Onward, men!

Snakes Bend.

Almost had it.

I got it, I got it,
I got it.

Mull...

Hawba...

Tey...

Ti...

Yes, it's a tavern.

Whew.

I think it would be
a nice gesture

if I bought the men
a few tankards of ale.

Oh-ho-ho,

a nice gesture
indeed.

We both know how you get
when you drink.

Oh, yes, we do.

Hey.

And that's why
I think you should go

to the trading post
for supplies now.

Yeah.

All right, men.
Fun, fun.

To Captain Edwards.

Captain Edwards!

Excuse me.

I had heard there was a party
of brave men here.

I'm here to tell you

that I am not unfamiliar
with the ways of men

who have been long
in the wilderness.

I understand their cravings
for food and drink

and also their cravings

for the companionship
of young women.

Women!

He's got women!

Where are they?

Wait for me outside.

I will take you to them.

Mmm-mmm.

Come on!

Take me to 'em.

Gentlemen?

Ahh.

My woman pleasure me
whenever I want.

Yes, I shall refrain
as well.

I've made a solemn
promise to someone.

Really?

Yes, I promised
my doctor

I wouldn't engage
in that sort of thing.

Got a drippy dong, eh?

No.

No more than normal.

It drips when it should,

and it doesn't
when it shouldn't.

Will that be it?

Let's see, uh...

Beans.

Rope.

Uh, is there
a barber in town?

I'm a barber, sir.

Oh, fine. I'll have
a haircut and a shave.

By the way, uh,

you smell
like something

that's been passed
through the system

of a sick old woman.

Well...

Maybe I'll have a bath,
too, then.

Good idea.

This way, gentlemen.

Don't be shy.

Come in
and meet the ladies.

Did I not tell you
they were beautiful?

Don't you have
any real women?

These women may be whores,

but they have their dignity.

Now, who would like
to be the first

to introduce himself, hmm?

Hello, my dear.

My name
is Hieronymus Pratt.

Might you have relatives
in Richmond, Virginia?

Some of them,
uh, flies

were there
before I got in.

I just saw Hidalgo.

Hidalgo!

With all his men?

No. Just half a dozen,

But they're headed
this way!

Double my wages for anyone
who'll take my shift.

I have heard
of this Hidalgo.

A Spaniard who wanders
the northwest.

Even crazy people
think he's--

Whoo-hoo.

Did you say something?

I, uh...No.

No, I...

You said something
about my hair.

No.

Why not?

You don't like my hair?

Yes. It's nice.

Nice?

My hair is magnificent.

It's long and soft

and shines with a light
that comes from within.

Can't you see it?

Yes. It's beautiful.

Beautiful, yes.

That's all
I have to say.

I'm sorry
if I frightened you.

Good God.

Good.

You do good work.

Thank you, sir.

I strive for excellence
in all my various trades.

Tell me,
among those trades

you wouldn't happen
to practice...

Taxidermy?

No.

I was going to say
dentistry.

Oh. Well, I'm primarily
a taxidermist.

However, I have
practiced dentistry

on the animals
I've preserved.

And, of course,
over there.

Ohh.

Good, good,

'Cause I have got a molar

that's been bothering me
since St. Louis.

Oh. I can oblige, sir.

He said, "I know.

"It wasn't a horse.
It was a donkey."

Her hair is perfect.

So beautiful.

Is this your woman?

She belong to me.

Well, who are you?

Guy Fontenot.

Well, you may call me
Hidalgo.

Hidalgo.

I wander
the northwest territory

searching
for a fabulous place.

A place where the earth
trembles and speaks

and a white cross

marks the location
of an age-old secret.

And what is
the secret?

Ahh.
You try to trick me

with your deceiving
questions, huh?

But you will learn
nothing.

Not unless you join us.

Come on.

You're perfect.

If you join us,

everything
that belongs to you,

belongs to me, too.

And if I don't?

Then we tear out your heart,
cut off your limbs,

and skin you alive.

I'll join.

Good. I'm delighted.

Now this should
dull your senses.

All right.

Ow!
What are you doing?

What, are you trying
to kill me? Ow!

Put it down!

Put the thing down
and pull my tooth!

God almighty!

Ohh.

All right.

Say, "ahh."

Ahh...

It's in the back.

All right.

Ok. Ok. Aah!

Ohh!

That guy is in there.

Come on. Let's go.

Don't take her!

Take me instead.

Hmm.

Put your hands
on your hips.

No, no, no, no.
Like this.

Hmm.

Huh? Look at that.

And here I've avoided
the dentist for years

Because I thought
it'd hurt.

Oh-ho, no.

Look at that.

No, I think I'll still
keep the woman.

Come on. Let's go.

You can't take a woman
against her will.

Of course,
maybe it's time

for her to spread
her wings and fly.

Well, well.

What do we got here?

Hey, sonny boy...

Your mother wants
her roasting pan back

when you're done
playing with it.

I challenge you

and the rest of your ladies
in armor to a duel.

All of us?

Every poofy prancing
one of you.

We are more than equal
to a duel, senor,

especially
since you won't live

past the first contest.

What weapons
do you choose?

Pistols, swords,
or...

Bare fists?

Drink.

Drink?

Time's up!

Sorry.

I swear that's never
happened to me before.

Well done, Mr. Hunt.

I'm deeply impressed
and grateful.

Maybe now
you'll agree...

Drinking
has its benefits.

You saved my life.

Nnn-uh.

Maybe now
you'll agree...

Drinking has
its benefits.

You just said that.

Now, if you don't mind,

It's time for the liquor
to take effect.

Nnnyaaah.

Fire!

My furniture.
My draperies.

My women!

Pratt's still in there!

Fire!

We need a hand
over here!

Oh, no.

No!

It's all my fault,
Captain!

She said she didn't mind
if I smoked.

I believed her!

Oh-ho, Mommy!

Let's retrieve Hunt
from the tavern

and get back to the boat.

No!

I think we've seen

all that snakes bend
has to offer.

Ohh, my heart.

My heart!

Permission to check on
the condition of my woman, sir?

I wanna check
on her bandages

and see if she can
keep some food down.

You realize, of course,

this woman of yours
is made of straw.

Oh, yes, sir.

I figure that's why
she burned so easy.

Damn.

Who is it?

Good evening.

I was just collecting
samples of bark

for president Jefferson.

Some bark.
I was collecting it.

Samples of bark.

You're not like
these other men.

You're softer...

More delicate.

In a rather rough way,
right?

Not at all.

Look at you.

Thin wrists.

Skin like a baby.

Almost a total absence
of shoulders.

All right.

I think you've flattered me
quite enough.

Look at me.

I'm behaving like
some kind of animal.

I liked it.

No, no, no!

This can never be.

I'm betrothed
to another.

Besides, we come
from different worlds.

You are primitive,

and you follow
your baser instincts.

And I come from a culture that
values Christian morality.

Maybe one more
couldn't hurt.

What? What?
What did I say?

Shaquinna.

Shaquinna!

I don't see
how it's possible

for the river to flow up
and over those mountains

to the western sea.

The river can't
flow up and over

anything.

So, I guess
our journey's over.

Well...

No, no! Never!

We're pushing on.

We'll scale
the Rocky Mountains

within the month.

And then build canoes

and float down
the western slope

before the first frost.

29, October.

What I had hoped
was an early dusting

turned out
to be somewhat more.

Our journey
is half finished,

but our food supply
is nearly depleted.

The only man who seems
to be thriving is Pratt,

who is eating what remains
of his straw woman.

As for me,

I seem to have come down
with a slight chill.

What? What? What?

What do you think
you're doing?

The last rites.

No, no. There'll be
none of that.

Please do not try to bury me
before I'm dead.

Go away.

Mama.

I can make medicine
that will cure him,

but I will need
the egg of an eagle,

or he will die.

The egg...

Of an eagle?

That's all?

That is all.

You know, the, uh...

Last creatures we saw

were way down below
the snow line.

You're a very brave man
to do this for your friend.

Well, I...

Ain't nothing more
than me doing my job.

So, uh...

Better be going.

Yep.

Uh...

Aah!

Ohh! Aah!

Aah! Oh, God!

Ohh! Aah!

Aah!

Ooh!

Mmm.

We need
the egg of an eagle,

Or he will die.

He will die.

He will die.

Oh...

Dear God.

President Jefferson,
I implore you.

If we do not give bears
the right to vote,

they will rise up,

And bears will be
in congress,

and we will be the ones
performing in carnivals

wearing little hats.

Shh, shh, shh.

President Jefferson,
A few months ago, I saw
a naked Indian woman.

When I saw the naked
Indian woman,

I had certain
impure thoughts.

Something in me
has changed

out here in the wilds.

You must rest.

I saw a naked
Indian woman.

Shh.

No!

God--

Huh!

Okay.

Huh?

Where are you?

Where are you?

Huh?

You protect
your little birdies?

Ok.

Heh.

Come on, you damn bird!

Come and get me!

I got it.
I got it.

Uhh!

Ooh!

You broke it.

All I needed
was the shell.

Thank you.

Guhhk!

Guhhk! Guhhk!

Eep! Eep! Eep! Uhh!

Oot!

Hoot.

The medicine is working.

Can I lick the bowl?

Heh heh! Heh heh heh.

Hee hee!

Shaquinna.

Yes.

Your fever
is broken.

Thank you
for standing by me.

The person you should
really thank is Mr. Hunt.

He risked his life to
bring back an eagle egg.

Could've just
brought back the shell,

but nobody bothered
to tell me that.

Thank you, Mr. Hunt.

Now...

We'll build canoes
and be on to the Pacific

By the first thaw.

I cannot begin
to express my...

Feelings--

Don't be talking about
no feelings.

I don't want to have
to punch you.

Hmm.

Well, just the same--

I'm serious.

Oh.

Good God.

What rare luck is this?

What?

Lewis and Clark,

and, the damn fools,
they're portaging.

Huh.

They're portaging
because they think

the river is
too dangerous up ahead.

I think we should
do the same.

I see no reason
for concern.

Sir?

An old saying--

"White water
in the morning."

Yes?

That's it.

Mr. Hunt,

this is our chance
to overtake Lewis and Clark.

Sure, we may
overtake 'em,

but it ain't worth risking
the lives of the men.

I assure you,
all will be fine.

I hope to God
you're right.

Don't worry, men.

According
to my calculations,

we have less than 100
yards of rapids ahead.

Oh!

Aah!

Aah!

Ooh! Ooh!

Yeah!

Ha-ha!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

My hat's off to you, sir.

We made it!

Uhh!

Men, we have overtaken
Lewis and Clark.

Gather up the pieces
of the boat

and what's left
of our supplies.

No!

I beg your pardon?

You almost got us killed

just so you could be
famous.

Well, I ain't
taking no more.

I'm quitting
this expedition.

What of
our partnership?

Partnership?

You didn't care nothing
about our partnership

back there on the river.

Well, I don't care
nothing about it now.

Who's coming with me?

To hell with
both of you.

I've spent
my entire life

trying to see the Pacific,

and I'm going by myself.

Who's going with me?

Jonah, where do
your loyalties lie?

I'm your slave.

Who do you think
I'm with?

Thank you, Jonah.

I'm going with Mr. Hunt.

We're close!

Only a few hundred miles!

We will be the first!

Trust me,
the worst is over.

The worst
will never be over--

Not with this
precious dandy in charge.

If you want to live,
come with me.

Use your minds, men.

Think for yourselves.

Or would you rather have
Mr. Hunt

do your thinking for you?

My Heavenly Father
does my thinking for me,

and he thinks I'd be
a damn fool

not to go with Hunt.

No, no.

Father.
Father, wait.

It is better to think
for yourself,

and I think we should
continue to the Pacific.

Stout fellow, Bidwell.

How can you
say that, man?

You've had it worse
than all of us--

Been mauled by a bear,

your ear bit off
by a Frenchman.

True enough, sir.

I have had my share
of bad luck,

but I cannot abandon
Mr. Edwards now,

for he alone
has dared to dream.

And now we are
so very close

that I believe him
when he says

The worst is over.

When I said
the worst was over,

perhaps I spoke
too soon,

but now surely--

-Ow!

Bidwell!

Get down!

I'm sorry.
I was aiming for your head.

You wait there.

We'll be down in a moment
to capture you.

I want them
in their underthings

when they die.

That makes it
much worse,

Don't you think?

Prepare the gauntlet.

What?

The gauntlet.

I've decided
these two men will die

running the gauntlet.

The...

The gauntlet!
The gauntlet!

All right.
Calm yourself.

You don't think I know
where there's a gumbit?

Gumblit?

-Sanchez!
-Gauntlet.

You and the Frenchman
prepare the gauntlet.

I'm sorry we must
cut short our fun,

my little kitten.

If you so much as
lay a hand on me,

I will kill you!

Ooh.

Take her away.

Punch him!

This is what
it's all about, huh?

Burn your feet,
you cowards!

Oh! Ow!

Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Ow! Eeh! Oh!

Look at
the poofy one!

Huh?

Whose idea
was the corn?

They're getting away!

Hector, follow them!

After them!

Go after them!

Over there!

Hurry!
They're almost here!

Oh, God!

Come on!

Forget about me.

You can do it!

Save yourself.

I'll never forget this,
Bartholomew.

And now
we kill you, señor,

and take your head
back to Hidalgo,

but we do have one tiny
favor to ask of you.

Yes. You see, so often
when we bring a head
back to Hidalgo,

it has a grimace
or a look of terror.

It would really put us
in good with Hidalgo

if you could smile
as we kill you.

Go to hell.

Oh.

No, no.

Did you see how ugly
your face was

when you said that?

Say...

Say...

Say "poppy."

Yes. Say "poppy."

You see, one cannot
help but smile

When they say
the word "poppy."

-Say "poppy."
-Say "poppy."

Poppy. Say "poppy."

Die, you S panish bastards!

Poppy,
you sons of bitches.

You know, uh...

What you did back there
for me was, uh...

That was real nice
of you.

It's fine.
Don't--

You don't understand.

It's just that, uh...

No one's ever done
nothing like that

for me before.

And, uh...

Uh...

Thank you.

That's all.

Just thank you.

Especially
someone like you,

who could've got himself
killed so easy.

Aw.

I think he's asleep.

I think he's dead.

Aah!
Jesus!

I'm sorry I scared you.

I was just
resting my eyes.

We need help.

I will help.

I am a proud warrior.

Wait. At least let us
explain the situation.

There's no time
for that.

Look, our men
are being held captive

by at least
20 conquistadors.

Are there others in your
tribe that can help us?

Perhaps men a bit...

Younger than yourself?

Yes.

I am going to cut
this woman's hair off.

Anybody want
to guess why?

To entertain us?

No.

Because
she asked you to?

No.

Oh. I know, I know.

Because her hair's
more beautiful than yours,

and you're jealous.

No.

I am going to cut
her hair off

because it's not
as beautiful as mine.

Because even if
she won't admit it,

she's thinking,

"Why should I even
bother to have hair

"when he's got hair
like that?"

You understand?

No, not really.

No.

I don't--
I don't get it.

Who cares?

I'm going to skin you
all alive anyway.

Prepare her.

Prepare her.

You indicated that the braves
you had summoned

were younger than you.

They are.

Running Puma
is two years younger.

Strong Like Mountain
is, um...

Four.

Four years younger.

We appreciate you
showing up and all,

but, uh,

we're going to probably
just, uh...

Do this alone.

At the moment of battle,

our spirits will soar

and give us the strength...

To fight.

Hmm.

This is the way
we must travel.

This way, we save
our strength for the battle.

Stop.

What now?

Running Puma have to go
back behind tree again.

I'm sorry.

All right, look.

This is the last time.

Anyone else has to go,
do it now.

I ain't stopping again.

I don't see
how these Indians

are going to help us.

Perhaps we need not
rely on them to fight.

Perhaps I can bluff Hidalgo
using my wits.

Hmm.

This is getting
much too difficult.

We can finish brushing
her hair after she's dead.

Stop right there, señor!

This has gone too far.

You must release
Shaquinna.

Such arrogance.

You are surrounded by
an army of Indian braves

who, on my command,

will descend upon you
with all the fury

of the four horsemen
of the apocalypse!

Hell, we got more than four,

and they got names like
Soaring Eagle

and Strong Like Mountain

And...

Others, too.

Well, where are
these braves, huh?

Show them to me.

Show them to me, too.

I am one of these braves.

And I am one
of these braves.

I am one of these braves.

Well...

Well, that's
quite an army, huh?

I mean,
why should we fight?

Maybe if we wait
a couple hours,

they'll die of old age.

Die of old age!

Aah!

Aah!

And you thought
I couldn't escape you, huh?

You...

Here's an idea--

You take off
running into the woods,

and I try to count to three

before I put
another hole

in your hairy
French ass!

Hairy French ass.

You had me go--

And I'll put a big hole
in your hairy French ass.

Man, you--

Oh.

Hey, señor!

Look what I have!

Your woman!

I'll take care of this.

No!

You've done enough,
Bartholomew.

Oh, Leslie!

Come on!

It's time for me
to fight my own battles.

Uhh!

Hidalgo is mine.

Sir, you are a coward.

You seized a woman
and ran,

and now I'm going
to teach you a lesson.

Either you're brave,
or you're stupid.

Perhaps there's not much
difference between the two.

You're a smart man.

After I kill you, I'll have
to look at your brain

to see if it's different
from, you know,

other brains
I might have seen.

Good God.

Oh!

Well, hello, baldy.

Hey, baldy, baldy,

Baldy, baldy, baldy!

Oh, my--

You shut up!

No!

Huh?

Now...

You see me as
I truly am, señor--

Just a bald...

Fat man...

Begging for your mercy.

Edwards!

We've just seen
Lewis and Clark.

They're a mile away,

And they're headed
for the ocean.

My God.

Well, come on, then.

We can still beat them!

Hey, señor!

This business
with my wig--

It's just between
you and me, huh?

Oh, my God.

We did it.

Not yet, we haven't.

They're going to get
to the ocean before us.

The only way
to beat them

is straight down
that rock face.

Well, then, as leader
of this expedition...

I should be the one
that climbs down.

Leslie!

You ain't going down there.

You'll be killed.
I should go.

Nonsense.

Then this is
for your own damn good.

How was that
for my own damn good?

Sorry. The, uh...

The punch was supposed
to knock you out.

Let's see here.

Ah, this here
ought to do it.

What-- What the hell
are you doing?

Go!

He's going to go.

Pratt?

Give me the flag.

Well...

Good luck.

Ow!

Oh, God!

Aah! Ha-ha!

Ow!

Oh, no.

Oh, God!

Aah! Whoa!

Oh, God!

Ohh!

Whoa!

Oh, God!

No!

Please, bird!

Don't hurt me!

You put me on the ground,

you damn dirty bird!

Aah!

Ohh.

Aah! Uhh!

Oh, my God.

Hunt!

You did it!

We all did it!

Wait.

How'd you get down here?

We... Found
an Indian trail.

It was
very nice.

Yes. They even carved
little steps.

Huh.

Shame we didn't take
another minute or two

to look around up there.

Leslie, look.

You're too late!

We beat you!

Yeah!

Go home, losers!

Hey!

Men...

We're the first to conquer
this great continent.

Yeah!

Well...

Time
to head home.

-Yeah.
-Yep.

W-why does it have
to end here?

What are you
talking about?

I'm talking about
exploring!

Look here, men.

We've beaten
this continent.

What say we try another?

We could travel north
to the Bering Strait--

A bridge of land and ice
that leads to Asia.

We could walk there.

Walk to Asia?

I like it.

And why stop there?

We could go on
to Europe.

Yeah!

Edwards and Hunt--

The first Americans
to walk to Europe.

The food alone
is worth the trip.

Oh, the food, sir!

This time
next Christmas,

we'll be sipping champagne
in P aris!

Paris,
here we come!