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I've come to realize that almost
everything in dating and relationships
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parallel to sport, especially baseball.
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You see, the difference between love and
sport is that sports have very few
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unwritten rules and so many ones we all
know.
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I mean, can you imagine what it would be
like if the foul line was always moving
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or if sometimes it was two strikes and
you're out?
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If you've ever tried to date someone,
you probably can.
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I bought you this in Houston.
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Oh, Vigio, huh? Yeah, for your
collection.
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Oh, wow.
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That's nice.
12
00:00:42,490 --> 00:00:43,550
That's nice, huh?
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It is.
14
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It's really nice.
15
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It's nice.
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Nice, nice, nice. Come on, you guys.
He's a new guy. He doesn't know he's not
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supposed to be nice around here.
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He'll learn.
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I just think we should keep things, you
know, kind of just like, you know,
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professional.
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00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:02,760
You know what I mean?
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You know what I like about Billy Goat?
You know how it's below street level?
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That means it's underground.
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You can have a lot of fun there, but
it's kind of a secret.
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If you didn't know it was there, you'd
never really find out about it.
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Really?
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Yeah. But it's a landmark.
28
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Yeah. Got it. Bottom line.
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Great burgers. Yes. Their burgers are
great.
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But, you know, if you talk about them,
everybody will know about them,
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especially people from work, you know,
and that's not good.
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Wow. Hey, look at you.
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Wait a minute. Look at you. That can't
be good. Why do you look like that? Why
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does she look like that? I don't know.
Why do you look like that? I'm going
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Why are you guys here?
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You moved poker tonight, didn't you? No,
I moved it to next Thursday.
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I thought this was next Thursday.
38
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No, this is this Thursday. Next Thursday
is next Thursday.
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Yes, but when you moved it, this was
next Thursday. No.
40
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This is always this Thursday. Next
Thursday is next Thursday. Technically,
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was the next Thursday, wasn't it? Right,
which is exactly what makes it this
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Thursday. So you're not understanding
the word next.
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00:02:05,450 --> 00:02:06,450
Hello?
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Oh, hi.
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I like how you make the small frame
pictures in the books.
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It's really homey. Thank you. For some
reason, I keep my books and my pics
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separate.
48
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But you've given me an idea.
49
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I'm glad I could help.
50
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Hey, who are you?
51
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What's up, dude?
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Hey, bro.
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Hey.
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Oh,
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you're the Vikings, huh?
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Dante Culpepper is a good QB.
57
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Actually, Culpepper's on Miami now.
58
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Really? Yeah, all the Finns had to give
up was their second rounder. Yeah, and
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the Dolphins totally got the better end
of that deal, right, Hank?
60
00:02:54,500 --> 00:02:55,620
Holy... Hey, hey!
61
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Trouty! Really?
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Hey, hey!
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Really? Hey, hey!
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Really? Stop being so pouty, because
here comes the trouty!
65
00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:08,040
Mmm, snappity -snap. What's up, Lizadie?
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You're looking sweeter than a snacking
cake. Yeah, you like this? This is
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00:03:11,740 --> 00:03:16,080
popcorn money, baby. Hey, it's nice to
meet you guys. Hey, Danny.
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Oh, hi, baby.
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Whoa! What? Damn!
70
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What? She... she knows him?
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He's with her. Did you win a contest or
something? Maybe she's hammered. What
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did he do to his hair?
73
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Why are you looking at him?
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I better go freshen up. It was nice
meeting all of you.
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Thanks.
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Who are you guys?
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Look, Kenny, I think you should know I'm
going out with Kate this Friday night.
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Okay. Really?
79
00:03:49,450 --> 00:03:52,050
Yeah, man, well, you didn't ask her out
the other night at Crowley's, and you
80
00:03:52,050 --> 00:03:54,830
had coffee with her once, like, two
months ago. Well, maybe I work at a
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00:03:54,830 --> 00:03:57,690
pace than you do. You work so slow, she
thinks your name is Jerry.
82
00:04:00,670 --> 00:04:02,510
You're making that up. No, I'm not, Jer.
83
00:04:03,090 --> 00:04:04,090
Oh, oh, oh.
84
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Unbelievable.
85
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Excuse me.
86
00:04:07,730 --> 00:04:08,870
Dude, are you crazy?
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10 ,000 bars in Chicago, and you've got
to bring her here?
88
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They know me here.
89
00:04:14,460 --> 00:04:17,000
That's just it, man. You can't take her
to one place where you're guaranteed to
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00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,760
run into one of your friends. You've got
to have a date place.
91
00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:20,899
Everyone's got a date place.
92
00:04:21,839 --> 00:04:24,960
This is your date place, isn't it? They
know me here. So what are the plans?
93
00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:29,240
I thought we'd go to dinner and then
drink someplace after. Just remember,
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dinner, more drinks.
95
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Chloroform, then duck. Whatever it
takes.
96
00:04:35,470 --> 00:04:38,650
After the third date, chicks start
expecting stuff. Like a fourth date?
97
00:04:38,850 --> 00:04:42,530
If she's willing to tolerate after
-hours smooth jazz, you're in. Why
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00:04:42,530 --> 00:04:44,410
wearing what you wore last night?
Because I'm not disgusting?
99
00:04:44,890 --> 00:04:48,410
So we're driving back from the St. Louis
game, and the cop pulls us over, and
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then, uh, PJ, tell Nancy what I said.
101
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What? You know, to the cop.
102
00:04:55,570 --> 00:04:59,230
What? I don't know what you said. What I
said when the cop pulled us over. I
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00:04:59,230 --> 00:05:00,550
said, you know...
104
00:05:00,910 --> 00:05:03,790
That was you? I thought that was Bobby.
No, no, that was me. You didn't even go
105
00:05:03,790 --> 00:05:06,350
to that game with us. Why don't you go
talk to Brendan?
106
00:05:07,850 --> 00:05:11,610
Oh, dude, I don't want to bug him. He
seems to be doing really well, huh?
107
00:05:12,690 --> 00:05:13,690
I'm fasting.
108
00:05:13,850 --> 00:05:14,850
Trying to lose weight?
109
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PJ was pretty hot back then.
110
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Thank you.
111
00:05:20,690 --> 00:05:21,690
Wait, back then?
112
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Maybe I'm working you.
113
00:05:24,070 --> 00:05:25,910
No, no, okay, that's pathetic.
114
00:05:26,130 --> 00:05:27,129
I'll take a laugh.
115
00:05:27,130 --> 00:05:28,129
Excuse me.
116
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Because your ass looks good.
117
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You could just ignore his phone calls.
118
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It's not you, it's me, because it's an
oldie but goodie and it works like a
119
00:05:37,990 --> 00:05:39,210
charm. Setting a swamp?
120
00:05:39,510 --> 00:05:43,190
Dude, that's a total blow -off. You tell
someone that their face is too smushed,
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generally, they don't want to hang out
with you anymore.
122
00:05:45,830 --> 00:05:50,050
Marry them, have a kid, live in a house
for 40 years, and eventually die.
123
00:05:50,590 --> 00:05:53,230
Boom. You're free and clear. Have you
seen her naked?
124
00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:57,020
Well, yeah. Okay, then you've got to
break up with her face to face. You go
125
00:05:57,020 --> 00:05:59,360
stocky to stalker, and they run like
hell.
126
00:05:59,580 --> 00:06:00,960
Can't you feel it?
127
00:06:01,500 --> 00:06:02,500
I can.
128
00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:09,540
Ever since I first laid eyes on you back
in Northwestern, your bright orange
129
00:06:09,540 --> 00:06:14,220
benders, they linked me like beacons
from your heart.
130
00:06:14,940 --> 00:06:17,780
Keith, let's elope right now.
131
00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:19,880
I love you. Come again?
132
00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:22,580
What can I get him to impress him? Give
him a bobblehead.
133
00:06:23,340 --> 00:06:25,080
A bobblehead? What is he, five?
134
00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:28,880
No, that's a good call. Is it normal for
a grown man to collect bobbleheads?
135
00:06:29,820 --> 00:06:34,520
I got Jeter, Bonds, Count Chocula. I got
all the Rolling Stones, Ozzy Osbourne.
136
00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:36,280
I got Maddox, Sandberg.
137
00:06:36,500 --> 00:06:38,700
Right. Oh, my God. People grow up.
138
00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:40,220
How's Brendan's new girlfriend?
139
00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:42,060
Colleen. She's good.
140
00:06:42,460 --> 00:06:44,280
She's a person.
141
00:06:46,820 --> 00:06:47,820
Are you jealous?
142
00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:50,160
No.
143
00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:52,580
That... What?
144
00:06:54,620 --> 00:06:58,560
No. DJ, you been practicing your
catchphrases for the Turk Vardell show?
145
00:06:58,800 --> 00:06:59,960
I don't have any catchphrases.
146
00:07:02,220 --> 00:07:06,700
Like, uh, the wind -up, the pitch, boom,
shakalaka.
147
00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:10,960
Or you're always safe with the movie
quote, like, he's at the wall, hasta la
148
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:11,919
vista, baby.
149
00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:13,220
Have me at hello.
150
00:07:14,420 --> 00:07:15,420
What?
151
00:07:15,700 --> 00:07:18,580
It's a movie quote. It's from Jerry
Maguire. You might hear that. No.
152
00:07:18,890 --> 00:07:22,270
Sit down. Talk about your big first
start tomorrow, huh? P .J. Franklin, fun
153
00:07:22,270 --> 00:07:23,470
times. I know who you are.
154
00:07:25,910 --> 00:07:27,670
Press conference at spring training.
155
00:07:28,170 --> 00:07:30,550
You asked me why I had no control of my
basketball.
156
00:07:31,030 --> 00:07:35,230
Sorry, it's going to come up when you
hit six batters in three innings. I
157
00:07:35,230 --> 00:07:37,270
date him, okay? He is a cub.
158
00:07:37,490 --> 00:07:40,850
All right, that is breaking like a ton
of unwritten journalism rules.
159
00:07:43,250 --> 00:07:45,770
Unwritten rules were meant to be
written.
160
00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:49,440
Then broken. Written, then broken.
Thanks, Kenny. I got a little lost
161
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:52,300
Bobby, we have a problem with Mike. What
kind of problem?
162
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:54,240
You have to fire Mike problem.
163
00:07:54,580 --> 00:07:57,600
Look, I'm very particular about the way
I do things at the shop, okay? Mike's
164
00:07:57,600 --> 00:07:58,600
got a lot of ideas.
165
00:08:00,940 --> 00:08:01,940
Ideas are good.
166
00:08:02,380 --> 00:08:05,860
Light bulbs, liberty, beer.
167
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,500
These things all started as ideas.
168
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,280
You didn't tell your wife when you
bought a boat?
169
00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:14,980
See, I was flipping through a GQ. I can
already tell you're not going to come
170
00:08:14,980 --> 00:08:17,820
off good in this story. And there was an
article saying that all men need a
171
00:08:17,820 --> 00:08:18,820
place to call theirs.
172
00:08:21,340 --> 00:08:22,340
That's what the boat's called?
173
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:24,420
Seriously? Yeah, why?
174
00:08:24,660 --> 00:08:25,660
What do you mean?
175
00:08:28,260 --> 00:08:30,220
He couldn't find one called the midlife
crisis?
176
00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:31,720
Or the obvious cry for help?
177
00:08:32,039 --> 00:08:33,140
My dad bought a Porsche.
178
00:08:33,460 --> 00:08:35,780
My dad took up heavy, heavy drinking.
179
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:37,100
Cheaper than a Porsche?
180
00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:38,280
No.
181
00:08:38,490 --> 00:08:39,490
It wasn't.
14448
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