All language subtitles for Its.Always.Sunny.in.Philadelphia.S07E01.Franks.Pretty.Woman.1080p.Bluray.x264-RCSW

Good morning.
South Philadelphia Animal Shelter.

Yes, hello.
I would like to apply
for an adoption, please.

Uh, what are you guys
talking about?

We're adopting
a dog-fighting pit bull.

We're gonna keep it
in the bar, all right?

Well, why wasn't I consulted
about this?

Because last time we tried
to get a junkyard dog,

we wound up
getting a junkyard cat,

and that's exactly where
you're gonna go with it.

Yeah, because I don't want
some goddamn
snarling hellhound...

running around
inside of our bar.

- Are you crazy?
- Look, we're going to
rehabilitate the dog, okay?

We don't want it
to attack other dogs.

Now we would like for it
to attack people.

If it attacks a person, great.

And, if the dog...
or when the dog...
bites a customer,

that person then can go home
and have a great story
for their friends.

It's a win-win for everybody.

You can be,
"Dude, I got bit
by a pit bull at a bar."

Awesome. And if you're
an intruder, you should
get bit by a pit bull.

- I don't understand.
- See, the biggest...

Uh, how long do you think
this process usually ta...

It's just a dial tone now.
She just hung up on me,
for some reason.

Come here. Come here.

Gimme that. Gimme that.
Gimme that.

Wait for me in the back-back.

Okay, babe.

Hey, who's that?

It's my new girlfriend... Roxy.

Mmm. Now that woman
seems like a prostitute.

That's because she is.

You're dating a prostitute?

Not for long.

I'm gonna make
that whore my wife.

Oh, yeah!

What the hell?
Oh, no.

Are they... Oh, no.

Yeah!

You did not
just do that.
Oh, ho, ho.

That-That broad is a live wire.

Whoo!

I'm goin' outside,
'cause this place
is a shithole.

What are you cocks lookin' at?

Frank,

that woman is unspeakably crass.

You're gonna marry that, Frank?

She's been
my number-one girl
for a long while now,

but she's still
plowing other dudes.

In fact, Tiger Woods
has been calling her lately.

No, no, no.
Hey, bullshit.
That can't be the truth.

There is no way
that Tiger Woods is
interested in that woman.

Look, can't you find
someone who loves you
for who you are?

That woman's only in it
for the money.

Mm-mmm.
Let me stop you real quick.

Someone love Frank
for who he is?

Come on. No.
He's got a ton
of good qualities.

No, not really.
Yes, he does.

I mean, like what?
The other day, we were
hanging out under the bridge.

We found a box of denim,
and I'm, like,

"You know, these look like
good jeans in here."

And he's, like,
"You want to split it
with me, 50-50?"

- That's a nice thing to do.
- I wanted you to have
half of that denim.

He shared half the jeans.

Charlie. Charlie.

Stop wearing clothes you find
washing up under bridges.

Oh, they're boiled.
Yeah, we boil
all our denim.

- Oh, good.
Well, they're boiled, so...
- Hey.

Hey, you know,
there is some dirty
crack whore in the alley,

blowing the busboy
from the restaurant
down the street.

This is exactly why
we need that dog.

Let's get that dog.

Mac, you look bad.
Really, really bad.

- What?
- Yeah, is that your shirt
or my shirt?

That's, like,
way too small for you.
You look fat as shit.

Okay, I'm getting very
concerned with the integrity
of our organization here.

Mac, you have gained,
I mean, 50 pounds of fat.

Mass.
Of fat.

- Muscle.
- Let's be clear. Fat.

It's fat.
Frank, you are talking
about marrying hookers.

This is ridiculous.
What's going on with our group?

We're becoming the Gross Crew.
The Gross Crew?

The Gross Crew,
and I don't like that.

I don't want that. If we're gonna
have this woman hanging around,

then we gotta clean her up
or something.

I tell you what.
What if we took A Pretty Woman
and threw it Roxy's way.

A Pretty Woman?
Uh-huh.

That was a bullshit movie.
People don't change
like that.

People change, Frank.
Look at me.

I went from a tiny twink
to the muscle-bound freak
you see before you.

You're not helping
my argument.
And if you're gonna chime in,

please don't do it
with a mouthful of burrito.

- This is a chimichanga.
- You are becoming
a chimichanga!

All right, all of you,

I'm gonna give you all
24 hours to do whatever
you have to do,

but tomorrow night
I am proposing
to that dirty whore.

This is gonna be
a little bit harder
than we thought.

This woman
is a real piece of shit.
Uh-huh.

Where's Frank?

Don't worry about Frank, Roxy.

We're here to help you
turn your life around.

See, a lot of times,
the second act
of someone's life...

can be much better
than the first.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, we just want
to make some changes
in your life, Roxy.

Perhaps get you
some new clothes.
Uh-huh.

Uh, hopefully,
teach you some manners.

Shut up, baby dick.

All right.
Well, I'm out of here.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't go. Don't go.

We haven't even started yet.
Come on.
Frank was right.

This woman cannot change.
People don't just change.

People change.
She can change.
I'm gonna change.

What? You're gonna change?
What the hell
are you talking about?

I'm gearing up to get
into my second act,
you know?

That's very exciting for me,
and I'd like to help Roxy
do the same thing, that's all.

No. No, no, Dee...
Aw, really?
What?

No, you're already
in your second act.
Me?

Yeah. We're all
in our second acts.
Don't you see that?

And I, for one...
I don't want things
to change.

I want them to stay
the way they were, because
my first act was awesome.

See, your first act was shit,

and that's why
you're so desperate
for things to be different.

But they rarely ever do
get different.

If anything,
God, they get worse.
I mean, look at Mac.

I got salsa on my shirt.
He got salsa on his shirt.

Okay. Here's how
things need to go
from here on out.

You gotta deal with this woman,
because I can't handle it.
All right?

She made things personal,
and I won't stand for that.

Somebody needs
to take care of Mac,
and that's gonna be me,

because his fatness
is starting to affect
our entire crew.

Mm-hmm.
So I'm gonna
take him with me,

because the man is carrying
around trash bags filled
with Mexican foods.

What's that smell?

Crack.

That is crack rock.
She's smoking crack.
Mm-hmm.

- Oh, she's smoking crack.
- Okay, she's smoking crack.

This is no longer
a safe environment
for me.

Mac, let's go. Come on.
I gotta get out of here.

Whew.

I got a really good thing
going with Roxy.
She's a sweet bitch.

Yeah, but she's mean.
Dude, she's definitely
only into you for the money.

Well, so?
Barbara was only into me
for the money.

Yeah, but you deserve better
than that, man.

Look, I'm already on it, okay?

I signed you up
on a dating Web site.
I got you a date, dude.

Yeah?
Check it out though.

I got a little twist
on this date.

This girl does think
she's meeting a millionaire.

Why'd you say that, Charlie?
That... defeats the purpose.

Well...
I'm gonna be the millionaire.

Oh. Explain.
All right, check it out.

You're gonna play
my limo driver, right?

You're just like a regular
working stiff to this girl.

She doesn't think
you're a millionaire. Okay?

Then we're out on the date
and I'm, like,

"Oh, I don't feel very well.
I gotta go home.

But let's not waste this date.

Why don't you
finish the date
with my limo driver?"

You know what I mean?
Smart, Charlie.

She's not gonna
be able to resist
an opportunity like that.

A night with a limo driver?
This is a good idea.

Right?
I wanna give it a whirl.

All right, man.
All right, Charlie.

Oh, here.
I think these are done.

That first one's done?
Yeah, this batch is done.

Just get 'em out.
Get 'em out.
Whoo, baby!

Whoa!
I burned myself on a rivet.

Yeah.

Mac, these blood tests
are gonna show you...

the damage
that you've been
doing to your body,

and my hope is that it
will incentivize you...

to finally lose some of
this disgusting weight
you've put on.

This is ridiculous, dude, okay?

We're getting older.
We're not gonna look 20 forever.

No, I am gonna
look 20 forever, Mac,

because the older I get,
the more vigilant I become.

All right,
I don't eat lunch anymore,
for instance.

Yeah, and on odd days,
I don't eat breakfast.

That sounds miserable.
No, dude,
it's not miserable.

Yeah, it is
a little bit miserable,
but it has to be, man.

No pain, no gain.
I am also constantly
in motion.

Like, right now, dude,
I am doing leg lifts that are
imperceptible to the human eye.

I call 'em hummingbirds.

And although I seem relaxed,
I'm actually incredibly tense
at all times.

Dude, we've been
through this, okay?

I'm cultivating mass.
Stop staying that.

You are not cultivating mass,
and if you are,

stop cultivating
and start harvesting.

Bro, check this out.
Try to move me.

I'm not gonna try...
Try and move me, bro.

Take a running start.
Take a running start.

Excuse me.

Did you want me to read
these test results or not?

Yeah. I was
just trying to...
trying to move him.

He's like a brick wall.
You try to move me, Doc.

No, no, no, you're...
Read the results, Doc.

Well, I see, uh,
severe dehydration here,

multiple vitamin deficiencies,
anemia, low blood pressure.

Ooh. Mac, look, I don't
want you to fret.

I'm gonna get you
on my exercise program.

I'm gonna get you
fit as a fiddle.

These are your results,
Mr. Reynolds.

What?
No, those can't be
my results.

I'm healthy as shit.

Well, uh,
not according to your tests.

I'm healthier than you, bro.

Well, I wouldn't
exactly say you're healthy.

You have type 2
adult-onset diabetes.

Type 2 adult-onset diabetes?
What does that mean for me?

Well, that means you're going
to have to inject yourself...

several times a day
with insulin,

or else you probably
need to think about
losing a little weight.

- Whoa. But I'm healthy
besides the diabetes?
- Um, no.

But I'm more healthier
than he is, I think is the point
that you're trying to make.

Even with the diabetes.
Stop saying "diabetes."
You sound like an ass...

You okay, dude?

I'm fine. I've just, uh,

been doing a lot
of hummingbirds today.
I'm good.

Have you eaten anything today?
No.

Let's get out of here, bro.
I'm going to get you
something to eat.

I'm gonna lift you up.

Lift me up!
What the hell?

I'm not as strong
as I thought, Dennis.

Okay, I've hurt my back.

Oh!
I'm shit-faced.

Yeah, well, you downed
that bottle of schnapps
like it was a soda pop.

Roxy, I'm trying to give you
a second chance here, but
you're making it very difficult.

Hey, this jacket is awesome!

Ooh, and it's tighter
than dick skin, man.

Can you watch your language,
please, Roxy?

We are in a classy place
with classy clothes
for classy people, okay?

Don't talk about dick skin.

Hi. Can I help you
with something?

No, thank you.
We're just trying
some stuff on.

Um, o-okay.

Well, you are aware
that jacket is $500?

Are you implying
we can't afford that?
Can you?

That's none of your business.
Um, it's exactly
my business.

Uh... Excuse me.

Screw your dick-skin jacket,
man.

Oh, no, no, no!
No, no! Roxy. Roxy.
Oh, God, don't do that.

How do you
like me now, gay boy?
Okay, don't call him gay,

'cause it'd be
one thing if he wasn't,
but he clearly is, so...

- Is there a problem?
- Yeah, there's a problem, man.

I'm trying to buy this coat,
and this asshole here
is giving me shit.

You are aware of the price?

Well, yeah.
'Cause I have money.

Oh, shit!

Jerry, can I speak with you
in my office, please?

You have got to be kidding me.

Ooh, boom! Face, Jerry! Face.
Take a hike.

Sorry about the gay stuff.
That did cross a line.

Jerry, please? My office.

Roxy!

Holy shit!
That was amazing.

You humiliated that salesman,
and then you had the capital
to back it up.

I love you, Roxy.

Ooh, I gotta meet a client.
No, no, no, Roxy.

You don't have to
do that anymore.
You know what?

We should go find Frank,
'cause he's got
a surprise for you.

No, it's Tiger Woods.

It's Tiger Woods?

Yeah.

Okay, th-this whole thing
is blowing my mind.

Your life
is way more glamorous
than what I was picturing.

Yeah, yeah.

Now, help me
dig these crack rocks
out of my ass.

That's what I was picturing.
That's more like
what I was picturing.

- Charlie, I feel like
a sack of shit in this thing.
- You look good.

I feel like
I'm a four-year-old going
to my sister's wedding.

You're the limo driver.
You got to look the part, bud.

You don't look
like a millionaire.

I am a casual millionaire
from Texas.
You look like a farmer.

Frank, I got
the whole thing worked out.
Now listen to me.

We go out on the date.
I come down with a slight cough.

Okay?
I ask to be taken home.

You take over.
You charm the hell out of her.
I'm so nervous.

You know how long it's been
since I've been
with a non-pro?

Will you relax?

Oh. Hello.

Tarnation!

You look as pretty as a peach.

Yes, you do.

Hoss Bonaventure, C.E.O.

Uh, this here
is my limo driver, Frank.
Hi.

Now he's the finest driver
in all the land,

so you gonna get on
just fine with him.

Hi.
Uh, hand down.
Only say hello once.

He's nervous.

All right,
well, let's-let's...
Let's do this thing.

Get your stuff and giddy on up.

- Calm down.
- You're gonna be good.

♪ Say hey, good-lookin' ♪

So, uh, how did you
make your fortune?

Hmm? Oh, uh...

Well, uh, a-hustlin'
and a-wrestlin'.

Uh, you know, this and that.

Uh, made a decent penny
in boiled denims...

and, uh,
the bridge business mostly.

Uh, oh, Frank up there,
though, now, that
man is rich in spirit.

He's rich in "caricature."

Uh, and that's
a true fortune, if you're
asking me, to have that.

- So you build bridges?
- Um, uh...

I'm kind of
into bridges myself.
Yeah.

I found a whole case of eggs
under a bridge last week.

Perfect condition.

None of them missing.
None of them cracked.

I mean,
who in their right mind...

throws away
a perfectly good case of eggs,
this day and age?

It's a sick world,
don't you think?

Ah, he's good with
the conversation and...

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I believe I'm coming
down with a bit
of something here.

I got bit by a crab
under that same bridge.

Oh, did you?
Yeah.

You ever been bit
by a crab, hon?

Can we maybe
put this divider up?

Well, no. We don't want
to exclude a great man
like Frank from the conver...

Oh, my God!

Call 911.
No, it's okay.

I have a touch of consumption.

He's all right.
Why don't we drop him off?

You and I will
go to dinner, okay?

Oh! I think
I've been poisoned
by my constituents.

Oh, my God!

Can I offer you a nice egg
in this trying time?

Yeah, he's got an egg.
You might...

Here. I'll pull over, okay?

You... You two can go
to dinner together.

Help me, somebody!
Please, help me!

Aw, shit, Charlie.

What the hell
went on back there?

Uh, I swallowed,
like, a million
blood "capsulates"...

'cause I was gonna cough, like,
you know, a handful of blood
to make it real.

And now I'm thinking, like,
you're not supposed to eat them
or something,

'cause they're
making me really sick.

Aw, Charlie, you blew it.

You're the one talking
about eggs and crabs and shit.

I love eggs, Charlie.
I like eggs.

And I love crabs.
I like crabs.

And I love boiling denim
and banging whores.

I love boiling... Well.

And I don't care if anybody
doesn't like that about me.

They don't have to stick around.

You're right.
What's wrong with that chick?
Screw 'em.

I miss Roxy.
Yeah.

Roxy and I
are made for each other.
Yeah.

Tell you what,
if it's Roxy you want...

God.

That's the last of it, I think.

Tiger Woods? I cannot believe
you invited him over here, Roxy.

My place is a mess.

Oh, he's here.

Are you ready? I'm ready.
I'm very excited.

Hello.
Who are you?

Tiger Woods.

Hey, Tiger.
Hey, girl.

You brought a friend?
Yeah.

Good. I like that.
Mm-hmm.

So, you ready to do this?
I know who you are.

Of course you do, honey.
I'm very famous.

No, no, no, no, no.
Hold on a second.

Roxy, this is not Tiger Woods.

What are you talking about?
I think
this guy's an actor.

He definitely pretended
to be Donovan McNabb one time
when I tried out for the Eagles.

Donovan McNabb? Eagles?

I don't know
what she's talking about.
I play golf.

Okay, Roxy, see,
this is exactly why
you gotta stop doing this shit.

And, sir, seriously?

Okay, all right.
All right, I'm sorry.

You got me, all right?
I'm busted.

I am an actor.
My name is Don Cheadle.

No, you're not Don...
What are you doing?
What's going on?

I don't care who he is
if he pays me 500 bucks
to rub my feet.

Did you say 500 bucks?
Mm-hmm.

To rub your feet?
Mm-hmm.

You don't have sex with him?
Mm-mm-mmm.

I'm into foot shit.

Interesting.

What shoe size are you,
by the way?

Hey! Your feet
are bizarrely huge.

Man will go crazy for that.

I don't care
for how you describe them,
but what are we talking here?

What kind of money
are we talking?
I don't know.

Maybe we could
pop those boots off
and kick it around a bit.

Well, it never hurts
to talk, does it?

Just do it.

That's... He's cute.

- Oh, God.
- Chimichanga, chimichanga...

Mac...
chimichanga, chimichanga,
chimichanga.

Chimichangas are delicious.
I told you, dude.

So good. Oh!
I told you.

Why would you not
want to eat one of these
every day of your life?

Oh, my God.
I mean, they're delicious.

They're full of carbs,
which is great for a pump,
and they're cheap as shit.

Hence the garbage bags
filled with them.

Exactly. No restrictions.
No restrictions.

No restrictions.
Oh, I love this
no-restrictions thing, man.

In that vein,
I want you to take a look
at that chimichanga.

I want you to say to yourself,
"Chimichanga, you are delicious,

but what do I really want?"
Do I really want?

What do you want
more than anything else
in the entire world?

What do I want
more than anything else
in this entire world?

Yes.

Crack.

Oh.

I thought
you were gonna say pizza or...

Yeah. No, no, no.
Buffalo wings or something.

You want crack?
Yeah, crack cocaine.

Now, I've never had crack.
Dude, you are
going to love it.

I am?
It's so good.

Let's do it.
Let's do it.

No restrictions, baby.
No restrictions.

Aw, man, this is
gonna be awesome, dude.

Do you want some insulin?
Oh, shit.

Yo.

Uh-huh.

You did what now?

Oh, she is?

I don't get it,
but I don't need to.

Okay, we'll see you there.
Okay, bye.

Um, dude, so apparently,

Charlie just puked blood
all over some lady
in a limousine,

and Dee is sucking off
Don Cheadle or something.

And Frank wants to go ahead
and get married to Roxy
as soon as possible.

So we gotta fire down there.
Dude, we can get crack
from Roxy.

Let's get crack from Roxy.

Okay, perfect.
Now do you want
some of this insulin?

No, I just want crack.
Okay, we'll get down there.

And on the way, let's fire down
to John Wanamaker's...

and get ourselves a couple
of Tommy Bahama shirts.

Are you familiar?

Yeah. See what you mean
about these shirts, bro.
Yeah.

You'll grow into yours, buddy.
Yeah. Comfy as shit.
They hide your fatness.

They're ugly as all hell,
but I have a feeling...

I'm gonna like 'em
a lot more when I'm high
as shit on crack.

What's up, ass-dicks?

"Ass-dicks"?
Is that how you're gonna talk
from now on?

I'm not taking
no shit no more,
so get used to it.

Also, I'm gonna become
a foot girl.

All right, gross.
Whatever.

Frank, you ready?
Oh, yeah.

I'm ready.
Roxy, Frank would like
to say a few words.

Everybody.
Gather round.

- Roxy.
- Frank.

You are good shit,

and I want to make this legit.

I'm still gonna pay you,

but I want you to stop
banging other guys.

What do you say?
Want to be my wife or what?

Holy shit.

O-Oh, my God.
O-Oh, my...

Uh. Ooh.

Whoops.
Christ!

No, it's okay.
She does this
from time to time.

She's had an
excessive amount to drink.

- Okay.
- Well, Roxy, get up. Come on.

Roxy.
Roxy!

Come on, Roxy.
Big day for Frank here.

We don't have
a ton of time, Rox.
Get up!

The bitch is dead.

How could she be dead?

I'm telling you,
her heart popped.

She was smoking crack
in the car the whole way here
and also all day long.

- She got no pulse.
- Oh, my God.

Holy shit.
Call 911.

Call an ambulance.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Whoa, whoa. What?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Uh, we gotta
think this through, okay?

Dead hooker in my apartment?

That doesn't look good for me.
I'm covered in blood.

I mean, it's not good to have
a dead hooker, right?

It would mess up
our second acts
a little bit.

I'll tell you guys something,
I smoked a little crack
in the car on the way over.

Oh, you bitch.
Oh, does she still have any?

Yeah, yeah.
We can't leave her here.

No, no, no.
We can't leave her here.

Um... Um...

Let's-Let's, uh... Oh, God.

Okay, well, I mean,

I don't want to sound
insensitive, but we could
just put her out in the hall.

We call in an anonymous tip.

Someone finds her.
So we're still calling 911...

Someone finds her
and throws her away.
just from a pay phone.

This seems like
the best thing to do,
considering the circumstances.

- Frank, what do you think?
- I think Roxy would
have wanted it that way.

He would know.
Well, there you go.

Frank would know.
I mean, that's it.

Can I say a few words?

Make it nice.
Let's make the whole thing nice.

Really?
I just want
to get her out of here.

♪♪ Oh, nice.

Roxy, God bless you.

You were a good whore.

You serviced me
like no other whore ever did.

Uh, not only my crank,
but my heart.

And... I'm gonna miss ya.

Amen.

So should we get
the dead whore out
of the apartment?

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Pretty woman
walkin' down the street ♪

♪ Pretty woman,
the kind I like to meet ♪

♪ Pretty woman ♪

♪ I don't believe you
You're not the truth ♪

♪ No one could look
as good as you ♪

♪ Mercy ♪

♪ Pretty woman,
won't you pardon me?

♪ Pretty woman,
I couldn't help but see ♪

♪ Pretty woman ♪

♪ And you look lovely... ♪♪

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