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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,439 --> 00:00:08,960 Jeremy, I am not. No. 2 00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:10,440 Come on, live a little, huh? 3 00:00:10,740 --> 00:00:12,580 Come on, do it for me, baby. Okay, all right. 4 00:00:13,220 --> 00:00:16,480 Okay, so I'm a stewardess. Yeah, you are, like the slutty kind. And I'm on a 5 00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:18,640 plane. That's right, United. And you're a businessman. 6 00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:20,060 Oh, God, wait. Stop it. 7 00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:25,180 Wait for me. I can't, you're so hot. And I ask you if you want a drink. All 8 00:00:25,180 --> 00:00:28,600 right. And you say, what about a Virgin Mary? That's right. And I say, well, my 9 00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:31,480 name is Mary. Here I go. Oh, lift off. Are you kidding already? 10 00:00:32,390 --> 00:00:33,309 Sorry, baby. 11 00:00:33,310 --> 00:00:34,510 Let's keep going for you. Okay. 12 00:00:56,300 --> 00:01:00,580 Lola, hold my calls. Tell everybody I'm in session. I'm in the car driving to 13 00:01:00,580 --> 00:01:01,580 Burger's house. 14 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:09,660 Hmm, cute. 15 00:01:10,780 --> 00:01:14,680 You don't have any pubic hair. Hey, you're not Asian. 16 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:16,840 No, I'm Protestant. 17 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:18,440 What? 18 00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:20,180 Oh, fine. 19 00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:24,420 Uh... Uh... They're from scratch. 20 00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:29,500 Oh, Lizzie, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hey, Lizzie, come here. Lizzie, 21 00:01:29,500 --> 00:01:30,580 cupcakes? Honey! 22 00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:32,720 What does it mean to? 23 00:01:35,260 --> 00:01:36,480 And I'm baked! 24 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:37,800 I'm baked! 25 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:49,920 So, Ralphie, what's your favorite food? 26 00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:52,540 I like, um, classic burgers. 27 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:59,210 Ah, burgers are just... No, I mean, some are, but the good one? All burgers are 28 00:01:59,210 --> 00:02:00,690 a ground -up pig asshole. 29 00:02:03,810 --> 00:02:08,070 So, Alanis, welcome officially to the tiny dog adopters of America. 30 00:02:08,449 --> 00:02:12,490 Thank you. And you are now the proud owner of Sir Arnold's Fines. Wow. 31 00:02:12,750 --> 00:02:15,370 If you could just sign there and pop your address down for us. You know, 32 00:02:15,410 --> 00:02:16,890 Ralphie, men are bad people, too. 33 00:02:17,690 --> 00:02:20,750 Um, well, you know, not everyone. 34 00:02:22,359 --> 00:02:24,180 You don't see men giving human life. 35 00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:27,840 This is true. This is true. 36 00:02:28,980 --> 00:02:29,980 I loved it. 37 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:32,500 When you grow up, Ralphie, are you going to be nice to women? 38 00:02:34,620 --> 00:02:35,620 Yeah. 39 00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:37,640 Yeah. 40 00:02:41,900 --> 00:02:44,120 Wow, I've never seen a dog with no legs before. 41 00:02:45,300 --> 00:02:48,580 You'll be fine once you just... feed him up a bit and give him some TLC. 42 00:02:49,100 --> 00:02:51,500 How does one walk a dog with no legs, exactly? 43 00:02:51,900 --> 00:02:55,040 You can probably just get one of your people to fashion a little board for him 44 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:57,620 and then put some wheels in so he can just scoot along like that. 45 00:02:57,900 --> 00:03:00,200 You feed him twice a day through the IV, yes? 46 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,920 Mm -hmm. You just stick it right into the stump. 47 00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:06,020 How do I pick this little stump up? 48 00:03:06,300 --> 00:03:09,820 We have an arrangement with FedEx, actually. They just punch a few holes in 49 00:03:09,820 --> 00:03:11,300 Okay, I'll see you next week. Thanks. 50 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:14,800 This is Ralphie. This is Alanis Morissette. 51 00:03:15,060 --> 00:03:16,400 Hi. This is Ralphie. 52 00:03:16,810 --> 00:03:17,910 That's so cute. Is that yours? 53 00:03:18,230 --> 00:03:22,650 No, it's my kid's. You're on for next week, okay? Yep, you're in the book. 54 00:03:22,650 --> 00:03:23,770 to meet you. Okay, bye. 55 00:03:24,350 --> 00:03:25,350 You're adorable. 56 00:03:25,630 --> 00:03:27,010 You do know who that is, don't you? 57 00:03:28,470 --> 00:03:35,310 Ralph Macchio from... Oh, um, I've had some very 58 00:03:35,310 --> 00:03:36,690 dirty thoughts about him. 59 00:03:39,370 --> 00:03:41,510 It's just the one you'll go into the doctor then, isn't it? 60 00:03:42,130 --> 00:03:45,410 Alanis Morissette is here to see you, Doctor. Okay, Lola, send her in. 61 00:03:50,140 --> 00:03:54,160 Hi. I just met Ralph Macchio up there. 62 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:59,080 He was my first fantasy. 63 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:00,640 He's a gentle lamb. 64 00:04:00,980 --> 00:04:07,720 How are you? I'm good. Good. How are you doing? I'm okay. I'm okay, 65 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,800 Alanis. Are you sure? 66 00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:13,380 Because I did hear what happened. 67 00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:15,860 You heard that Jeremy and I broke up? 68 00:04:16,459 --> 00:04:18,360 Well, specifically that he's... 69 00:04:19,149 --> 00:04:25,290 Kind of sleeping with other women. I heard I think I know Yeah, yeah, it 70 00:04:25,290 --> 00:04:30,070 work out so that's great um you know what why don't I just what money money 71 00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:36,850 I'll give you this 72 00:04:48,810 --> 00:04:50,010 How are you, Doc? I'm good. 73 00:04:50,410 --> 00:04:52,050 Good. How are you? 74 00:04:52,350 --> 00:04:57,490 Fine. What's going on? So, Myron, can I be straight with you? Sure. 75 00:04:57,830 --> 00:05:00,350 You know, you can actually pretend this monkey is Jeremy. 76 00:05:01,550 --> 00:05:06,750 I love object therapy. And hand it to me. Okay. And tell me that it's Jeremy. 77 00:05:06,750 --> 00:05:12,250 It's Jeremy, yeah. This is Jeremy. Okay, good. And if you could just work out 78 00:05:12,250 --> 00:05:14,650 any kind of... Oh, okay. 79 00:05:15,210 --> 00:05:17,750 No shot, huh? We couldn't turn Tompkins around. 80 00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,880 Okay, Doc, I thank you for your time. 81 00:05:20,140 --> 00:05:21,140 I'm sorry. 82 00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:28,120 Thanks for everything. Hey, I'd like, however, to offer... Fuck you. 83 00:05:38,100 --> 00:05:42,260 I thought I did everything right. I thought I was everything he ever wanted. 84 00:05:42,260 --> 00:05:44,120 was writing Mrs. Jeremy Berger. 85 00:05:44,730 --> 00:05:46,210 On all my mu -mu bags. 86 00:05:46,490 --> 00:05:48,850 Yeah, doctor, boys don't like that. 87 00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:50,650 Oh, apparently. 88 00:05:50,990 --> 00:05:55,030 Apparently, you were right. They also don't like when you stand outside their 89 00:05:55,030 --> 00:05:59,350 window. I learned this the hard way. And take photographs of them with their new 90 00:05:59,350 --> 00:06:01,030 partners. It's not a good thing. 91 00:06:05,150 --> 00:06:06,150 Fuck you. 92 00:06:06,450 --> 00:06:09,550 Could you do me a favor and take the notebook and pen and make some notes for 93 00:06:09,550 --> 00:06:10,550 file? Absolutely. 94 00:06:11,250 --> 00:06:13,590 The thing is, I went to an all -girls boarding school. 95 00:06:14,780 --> 00:06:18,680 A lot of my relationships were with girls, and it was a lot of role 96 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:19,439 you're a lesbian? 97 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:23,880 I'm not a lesbian. We just acted out, you know. I would get pinned by Nancy, 98 00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:25,120 she would touch you. 99 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:28,820 Oh, yeah, here you go. 100 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:31,140 If you could just take these. 101 00:06:32,010 --> 00:06:33,690 And I think sing it out. 102 00:06:33,910 --> 00:06:35,370 Sing it out. Is that what you do? 103 00:06:35,670 --> 00:06:39,670 It's all I know to do. You know what? You are a musician. I know that you 104 00:06:39,670 --> 00:06:43,510 get out things in different ways. And I actually thought maybe I should write a 105 00:06:43,510 --> 00:06:45,710 song about it. Do you have some lyrics already? 106 00:06:46,590 --> 00:06:50,250 And I'm here to remind you. 107 00:06:52,490 --> 00:06:53,490 What do you think? 108 00:06:54,330 --> 00:06:56,650 You know what I think? I think sometimes. 109 00:06:56,930 --> 00:06:57,729 I'm here. 110 00:06:57,730 --> 00:06:58,910 You know, to get the anger out. 111 00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:03,280 Because, you know, Atlanta, I actually have a good voice. I actually sang 112 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:07,200 Yeah, that's what they all say. I was with the Piccadillo, which was a group 113 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:08,059 that I put together. 114 00:07:08,060 --> 00:07:14,040 Maybe I could actually use a lot of this and cut my own album, right? 115 00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:17,680 Yeah. I mean, you know, was it yours, like, the best -selling album in 116 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:18,920 Yeah, I'm not going to introduce you to Madonna. 117 00:07:25,060 --> 00:07:28,860 Wow, there's a glow about you when you're pregnant. I love you so much. 118 00:07:28,860 --> 00:07:33,360 so pretty and smart, and your practice is thriving. I love you, too. 119 00:07:34,260 --> 00:07:35,260 Hey, 120 00:07:35,820 --> 00:07:36,820 Myron, come in. 121 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:38,780 Hi. Hi. 122 00:07:43,340 --> 00:07:44,340 They work. 123 00:07:45,020 --> 00:07:46,020 Yeah. 124 00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:50,580 So, what's going on? You look a little more depressed. Oh, I don't know. 125 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:53,360 Nothing. I can't put my finger on it. 126 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,240 Did the board get back to you? They gave me a no. They passed. 127 00:07:56,460 --> 00:07:58,140 Really? Yeah. They gave me the finger. 128 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:02,700 You don't feel like hurting yourself, do you? No, not this time. No. 129 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,000 Dr. Good. 130 00:08:04,100 --> 00:08:05,400 Yeah. Great news. 131 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:12,560 Fred Siegel have agreed to buy some of my moral fibers t -shirts, and they'll 132 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:15,800 carrying my license. That's terrific. Isn't it fantastic? That's wonderful. 133 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:17,120 What do you think? 134 00:08:17,340 --> 00:08:22,200 My cut should be, I'd say maybe 50%. 135 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:25,280 Why do you get half, Myron? Based on what we've done. 136 00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:28,660 I don't think that was part of the agreement. Well, it has nothing to do 137 00:08:28,660 --> 00:08:30,120 that. It's a legal contract. 138 00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:31,500 What are you talking about? 139 00:08:32,980 --> 00:08:39,039 Um... Myron and I are married, Doctor. 140 00:08:41,500 --> 00:08:43,299 You know, it has the immigration thing. 141 00:08:51,150 --> 00:08:52,290 This is a safe haven. 142 00:08:53,490 --> 00:08:54,970 Why do I help people? 143 00:08:56,050 --> 00:08:58,510 Well, I'm concerned about the human condition. 144 00:08:58,730 --> 00:09:01,870 You know, I don't subscribe to the Beatles song, All You Need Is Love. 145 00:09:02,350 --> 00:09:04,410 People are brokenhearted every day. 146 00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:09,950 People lose somebody every day. People lose their minds every day. I mean, hey, 147 00:09:10,070 --> 00:09:15,110 celebrity, you big crazy, you big, ooh, need a lot of love. How about getting in 148 00:09:15,110 --> 00:09:18,570 touch, and not the magazine, but the feeling with your own heart? 149 00:09:19,170 --> 00:09:20,170 I'm a helper. 150 00:09:20,410 --> 00:09:21,410 I'm a picker -upper. 151 00:09:22,090 --> 00:09:25,570 I'm like a Sherpa. You know, I'm going to lead you through the snow. I'm going 152 00:09:25,570 --> 00:09:28,450 to bushwhack the way. I'm going to help you find who you are. 153 00:09:29,210 --> 00:09:32,710 I'm not a trainer. I'm not a nutritionist. I'm not a publicist. I'm 154 00:09:32,710 --> 00:09:34,450 walker. I'm not a William Morris agent. 155 00:09:35,310 --> 00:09:38,930 I'm the person that works with the machinations of your mind. 156 00:10:28,089 --> 00:10:29,150 message at the beep. 157 00:10:29,870 --> 00:10:33,130 Lizzie, Jeremy, listen, I don't know. I came out of the shower. I had shaving 158 00:10:33,130 --> 00:10:36,130 cream. These naked women are there, and I called the cops. Then you... 12330