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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:12,627 Captioning made possible By mgm home entertainment 2 00:00:24,441 --> 00:00:28,410 Oliver: ♪ green acres Is the place to be ♪ 3 00:00:28,478 --> 00:00:32,280 ♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪ 4 00:00:32,349 --> 00:00:36,384 ♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪ 5 00:00:36,453 --> 00:00:40,122 ♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪ 6 00:00:40,191 --> 00:00:41,890 Lisa: ♪ new york ♪ 7 00:00:41,959 --> 00:00:44,226 ♪ is where I'd rather stay ♪ 8 00:00:44,294 --> 00:00:46,661 ♪ I get allergic ♪ 9 00:00:46,731 --> 00:00:48,396 ♪ smelling hay ♪ 10 00:00:48,465 --> 00:00:51,900 ♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪ 11 00:00:51,969 --> 00:00:53,468 ♪ darling, I love you ♪ 12 00:00:53,537 --> 00:00:55,217 ♪ but give me park avenue ♪ 13 00:00:57,808 --> 00:00:59,608 ♪ the chores ♪ 14 00:00:59,676 --> 00:01:01,643 ♪ the stores ♪ 15 00:01:01,712 --> 00:01:03,478 ♪ fresh air ♪ 16 00:01:03,547 --> 00:01:04,657 ♪ times square ♪ 17 00:01:04,681 --> 00:01:06,414 ♪ you are my wife ♪ 18 00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:08,294 ♪ good-bye, city life ♪ 19 00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:11,620 ♪ green acres, we are there ♪ 20 00:01:26,620 --> 00:01:29,054 Here's your corn Flakes, children. 21 00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:30,889 There you are. 22 00:01:30,958 --> 00:01:34,559 Don't walk in your Breakfast, darlings. 23 00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:35,894 Who are you talking to? 24 00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:37,562 To alice's children. 25 00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:38,775 Children? Uh-huh. 26 00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:42,734 Shirley, dorothy, Mary ann, yvonne, 27 00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:45,737 That one there I Think is a marvin. 28 00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:47,617 How do you keep Their names straight? 29 00:01:47,641 --> 00:01:49,241 I don't have to. They Do it themselves. 30 00:01:49,309 --> 00:01:51,309 Watch. Dorothy... 31 00:01:54,982 --> 00:01:56,081 You see? 32 00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:58,583 Yeah, but how do you Know that's dorothy? 33 00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:01,586 Why should she answer To somebody else's name? 34 00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:03,299 Darling, how many eggs Do you want for breakfast? 35 00:02:03,323 --> 00:02:04,589 2. Oh, dear. 36 00:02:04,658 --> 00:02:05,757 I only ordered 3. 37 00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:09,294 One for you, one For me, and one for eb. 38 00:02:09,362 --> 00:02:11,643 Lisa, you don't order Eggs from a chicken. 39 00:02:13,533 --> 00:02:15,133 You know what... What? 40 00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:20,371 Alice, if it isn't Too much trouble, 41 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:22,373 Could we have just One more egg, please? 42 00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:27,545 Would you like to have a White one or a brown one? 43 00:02:27,614 --> 00:02:31,216 Lisa, a hen doesn't Lay eggs on cue. 44 00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:33,196 Just because you Ask her to lay an egg, 45 00:02:33,220 --> 00:02:35,753 Doesn't mean she's Gonna... But there it is! 46 00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,222 How do you do that? 47 00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:40,491 Well, I didn't do That. Alice did it. 48 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,760 Oh, you've got the milkin' pail? 49 00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:43,940 Oh, yeah. No, no, If you don't mind, 50 00:02:43,964 --> 00:02:45,541 I'm gonna milk Eleanor today myself. 51 00:02:48,135 --> 00:02:50,568 That shook her up. 52 00:02:50,637 --> 00:02:52,570 Darling, don't you Think it would be better 53 00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:54,306 If eb would milk eleanor today? 54 00:02:54,374 --> 00:02:55,307 I gotta learn. 55 00:02:55,375 --> 00:02:56,519 Don't you think you oughta have 56 00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:58,554 One more lesson On a rubber glove? 57 00:02:58,578 --> 00:03:00,123 I am gonna milk Eleanor this morning. 58 00:03:00,147 --> 00:03:01,457 Would you like to Come and watch? 59 00:03:01,481 --> 00:03:03,281 Darling, don't you think It's rather personal? 60 00:03:03,317 --> 00:03:05,851 Personal? 61 00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:07,585 Anyway, I have to get dressed. 62 00:03:07,654 --> 00:03:10,188 When are you going to Drive me into hootersville? 63 00:03:10,257 --> 00:03:12,790 Lisa, it's hooter-ville. 64 00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:15,526 When did they change it? 65 00:03:15,595 --> 00:03:17,073 I'm not going into hooterville. 66 00:03:17,097 --> 00:03:18,196 You promised to take me. 67 00:03:18,265 --> 00:03:19,197 What for? 68 00:03:19,266 --> 00:03:20,999 I have to have my hair done. 69 00:03:21,068 --> 00:03:22,367 Because there's a meeting 70 00:03:22,435 --> 00:03:24,035 For the every other Wednesday afternoon 71 00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:25,871 Discussion club today. 72 00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:28,373 Because today is the Every other wednesday 73 00:03:28,441 --> 00:03:31,343 When they discuss today. 74 00:03:31,411 --> 00:03:33,589 Well, I'll take you in Just as soon as I can. 75 00:03:33,613 --> 00:03:35,380 At 12:00? I don't know. 76 00:03:35,448 --> 00:03:36,882 At 1:00? Maybe. 77 00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:38,549 At 2:00? 78 00:03:38,618 --> 00:03:40,051 All right. 2:00. 79 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,887 That will be too late. 80 00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:43,889 You tell me when. 81 00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:45,056 1:00 is perfect. 82 00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:51,897 Thank you, alice. 83 00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:54,132 But I really wasn't Talking to you. 84 00:04:05,312 --> 00:04:07,245 All right. This right? 85 00:04:07,314 --> 00:04:09,114 Yeah, that's Where the action is. 86 00:04:15,455 --> 00:04:19,190 Easy... You ain't pullin' taffy. 87 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,192 I'm... I'm sorry, eleanor. 88 00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,363 It's all in the way You use your fingers. 89 00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:26,798 Watch. 90 00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:35,040 Hey... 91 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:36,707 All right. 92 00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:38,143 All right. 93 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,985 You drained her. 94 00:04:48,721 --> 00:04:50,888 Keep tryin'. 95 00:04:53,793 --> 00:04:55,393 Hey! 96 00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,728 Keep milkin'. 97 00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:01,933 Mr. Douglas, I think You've made a friend. 98 00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:07,951 How are you, mr. Kimball? 99 00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:10,141 Fine. Well, not really fine. 100 00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:11,843 I didn't sleep well. 101 00:05:11,911 --> 00:05:14,346 No, I was worried about... 102 00:05:14,414 --> 00:05:16,181 What was I worried about? 103 00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:17,560 Well, now I won't Get any sleep tonight 104 00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:20,185 Worrying about what I was worried about. 105 00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:22,687 But that's no Worry of yours, is it? 106 00:05:22,755 --> 00:05:23,899 Oh, where'd you get the milk? 107 00:05:23,923 --> 00:05:25,901 Hey, I milked Eleanor this morning. 108 00:05:25,925 --> 00:05:27,859 Bet you had to use a Little pull to get it, huh? 109 00:05:27,927 --> 00:05:29,194 Ha ha ha! 110 00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:33,742 Look, I'll put the Milk in the house, 111 00:05:33,766 --> 00:05:35,078 Then you come out in The fields with me, huh? 112 00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:36,412 Sure. All right. 113 00:05:36,436 --> 00:05:38,203 What for? 114 00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:39,582 You said you'd come over Today and tell me how 115 00:05:39,606 --> 00:05:41,373 To fertilize my wheat. 116 00:05:41,441 --> 00:05:42,607 Certainly. 117 00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:45,043 That's what we county Agents are here for. 118 00:05:45,112 --> 00:05:46,189 Of course, that's not 119 00:05:46,213 --> 00:05:47,590 The only reason we're here. 120 00:05:47,614 --> 00:05:50,048 We have a baseball team, too. 121 00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:51,383 That's very interesting. 122 00:05:51,451 --> 00:05:53,718 Yes, the chief insists That we keep fit. 123 00:05:53,786 --> 00:05:55,598 Like he said to Me the other day, 124 00:05:55,622 --> 00:05:57,889 "Mildred," he said. 125 00:05:57,957 --> 00:05:59,891 Mildred? 126 00:05:59,959 --> 00:06:02,227 Ah, I guess he was Talking to my mother. 127 00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:03,606 He couldn't have been Talking to my mother. 128 00:06:03,630 --> 00:06:05,730 Her name is sarah. 129 00:06:05,798 --> 00:06:09,534 I wonder why he Called me mildred. 130 00:06:09,602 --> 00:06:12,970 Oh, I see alice is Hard at work there. 131 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,006 Oh, oh, oh, mr. Kimball. 132 00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:17,509 Let me show you something. 133 00:06:17,577 --> 00:06:20,778 Alice, one egg, please. 134 00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:27,730 That's a very good trick. 135 00:06:27,754 --> 00:06:29,854 Does she do any others? 136 00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:32,023 It always works With mrs. Douglas. 137 00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:33,569 Well, I guess a human being 138 00:06:33,593 --> 00:06:36,027 Follows directions better. 139 00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:38,029 No, I didn't mean it that way. 140 00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:40,698 Mrs. Douglas tells her How many eggs she wants, 141 00:06:40,767 --> 00:06:42,534 And alice lays them. 142 00:06:42,602 --> 00:06:46,204 Oh. Mrs. Perkins used To talk to her chickens. 143 00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:47,205 Oh? 144 00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:50,208 No, she talked to boll weevils. 145 00:06:50,277 --> 00:06:51,921 Oh, she had long Conversations with 'em. 146 00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:53,585 They discussed everything. 147 00:06:53,613 --> 00:06:56,214 A very remarkable woman. 148 00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:57,927 I wonder if her Husband still goes up 149 00:06:57,951 --> 00:06:59,817 And visits her on the weekends. 150 00:07:05,792 --> 00:07:07,825 Alice, one egg. 151 00:07:16,736 --> 00:07:20,171 Well, mr. Douglas, this is One of the finest-looking... 152 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,840 Well, not the Finest-looking, but, uh... 153 00:07:22,909 --> 00:07:24,175 This is wheat, isn't it? 154 00:07:24,244 --> 00:07:25,510 Yes. 155 00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:27,178 How long's it been growing? 156 00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:29,347 3 weeks. 3 weeks? 157 00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:32,183 Look at this. 158 00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:34,352 Oh, that's a weed. 159 00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:35,520 How long's it been growing? 160 00:07:35,589 --> 00:07:36,854 Oh, about 2 days. 161 00:07:36,923 --> 00:07:38,203 Maybe you should've Planted this. 162 00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:40,858 You certainly Have the soil for it. 163 00:07:40,927 --> 00:07:43,194 I'm not interested In growing weeds. 164 00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:44,574 I want to find out How to make my wheat 165 00:07:44,598 --> 00:07:46,030 Big and strong. 166 00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:47,365 Big and strong? 167 00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:49,967 You might put some nitrogen And phosphorous on the soil. 168 00:07:50,036 --> 00:07:51,581 How much nitrogen And phosphorous 169 00:07:51,605 --> 00:07:52,715 Should I treat the soil with? 170 00:07:52,739 --> 00:07:55,706 Oh, I'd say about 100 pounds per acre. 171 00:07:55,775 --> 00:07:58,709 Now, I suppose the Next question will be... 172 00:07:58,778 --> 00:08:00,378 How do I apply it? 173 00:08:00,447 --> 00:08:03,548 Yes. Yes, what? 174 00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:05,383 How do I apply it? 175 00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:07,885 I knew that was gonna Be your next question. 176 00:08:07,954 --> 00:08:09,387 We county agents have developed 177 00:08:09,456 --> 00:08:12,157 A sort of a sixth sense For those sort of things. 178 00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:16,661 Now, there are 3 Methods for applying... 179 00:08:16,729 --> 00:08:18,163 No, there are 2... 180 00:08:18,231 --> 00:08:19,997 No, there are 3. 181 00:08:20,066 --> 00:08:21,499 What are they? 182 00:08:21,568 --> 00:08:25,670 One is a rather primitive Method of applying. 183 00:08:25,738 --> 00:08:28,173 It was used back in The early settlers days 184 00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:30,508 In massachusetts, rhode island, 185 00:08:30,577 --> 00:08:33,511 And, uh, certain sections Of the delaware water gap. 186 00:08:33,580 --> 00:08:35,846 They call it shoveling. 187 00:08:35,915 --> 00:08:37,348 Shoveling. 188 00:08:37,417 --> 00:08:38,516 Yes. 189 00:08:38,585 --> 00:08:41,118 They'd get a shovel with A big bag of fertilizer 190 00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:43,755 And just sort of Shovel it around. 191 00:08:43,823 --> 00:08:46,024 Except in the Delaware water gap, 192 00:08:46,092 --> 00:08:47,692 Where they used a spade. 193 00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:50,695 Oh, it wasn't really a spade, But it had a long handle. 194 00:08:50,764 --> 00:08:51,696 It was a... 195 00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:52,808 What was the other method? 196 00:08:52,832 --> 00:08:54,966 Of what? 197 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,134 Good morning, mr. Kimball. 198 00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:57,412 Oh, good morning, mrs. Douglas. 199 00:08:57,436 --> 00:08:59,414 My, you certainly look Pretty this morning. 200 00:08:59,438 --> 00:09:00,538 I like your hair. 201 00:09:00,606 --> 00:09:02,373 My husband told you to say that. 202 00:09:02,441 --> 00:09:03,875 No, he didn't. 203 00:09:03,943 --> 00:09:05,587 Did you? No. 204 00:09:05,611 --> 00:09:08,212 Are you ready to take Me into hootersville now? 205 00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:09,213 Oh, I can't right now. 206 00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:10,359 I'm discussing my crop 207 00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:12,349 With mr. Kimball. 208 00:09:12,418 --> 00:09:15,319 Oh, what a lovely little veet. 209 00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:17,199 No, no. That's not wheat. 210 00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:18,656 That's a weed. 211 00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:21,525 What's the difference Between a veet and a veed? 212 00:09:21,594 --> 00:09:23,094 There's no veet. 213 00:09:23,163 --> 00:09:25,663 In vhich vun? 214 00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:27,209 In anything you've said. 215 00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:28,377 Look, I'll take you Into hooterville 216 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:29,712 Just as soon... Ah! Oh. 217 00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,335 You said a "V." 218 00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:33,749 Well, there is a "V" in hooterville. 219 00:09:33,773 --> 00:09:35,940 I hope there's also A beauty parlor. 220 00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:40,178 Beauty shop, huh? Well, let's see... 221 00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:42,180 Oh. Sue anne bedlington. 222 00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:43,681 Oh, is she any good? 223 00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,850 She's the best Blacksmith in the county. 224 00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:47,185 Blacksmith? 225 00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:48,731 Yeah, she does all The horse tail braidin' 226 00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,188 At the county fair. 227 00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:51,901 She probably be glad to help you 228 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,569 If there's no horses waitin'. 229 00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,237 Well, I don't want To stand in line 230 00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:56,739 With horses. Now, look here... 231 00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:59,030 Lisa, lisa, please. Look, mr. Drucker, 232 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,199 I have got to have Some fertilizer. 233 00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:02,912 I'll be glad to help You as soon as I finish 234 00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,035 My inventory. 235 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,748 How come that you Are glad to help him, 236 00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:07,371 But you won't help me? 237 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,373 Well, I could if you Needed some fertilizer. 238 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,542 Well, all I need Is a beauty parlor. 239 00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:12,877 Well, I'm sorry, mrs. Douglas. 240 00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:14,712 There just ain't one In the whole valley. 241 00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:17,062 What kind of a valley Do you call yourself 242 00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:18,397 Without a beauty parlor? 243 00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:19,595 Well... That's the trouble 244 00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,259 With you men. All for one, 245 00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:22,932 And no one for a beauty parlor. 246 00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:23,888 Lisa... You men, 247 00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,267 You want us to be beautiful. 248 00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:26,769 Now, how can we be beautiful 249 00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:28,771 If we haven't got a Place to go and do it? 250 00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:30,561 But... Those days are 251 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,730 Here and gone. On This every other 252 00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:34,777 Wednesday afternoon Discussion club, 253 00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:36,445 We are going to Have more to discuss 254 00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:38,280 On this every other Wednesday afternoon 255 00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:39,949 Than we ever had on any other 256 00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:41,617 Every other wednesday afternoon. 257 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,340 Beauty parlors. 258 00:10:43,409 --> 00:10:45,576 That's what I'm here to discuss: 259 00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:46,911 A beauty parlor. 260 00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:48,913 We need one in the valley. 261 00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:50,915 What for? 262 00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:52,416 Mrs. Ziffel, 263 00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:55,586 When your husband comes Home tired from the barn, 264 00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:58,022 Don't you want to Look nice for him? 265 00:10:58,091 --> 00:10:59,924 Fred? Ha. 266 00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:02,927 All he cares about is his pigs. 267 00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:05,629 Mrs. Ziffel, don't you Want him to notice you? 268 00:11:05,698 --> 00:11:07,799 The only time fred Ziffel'd notice me 269 00:11:07,867 --> 00:11:09,578 Is if I had a long snoot 270 00:11:09,602 --> 00:11:12,369 And an apple in my mouth. 271 00:11:12,438 --> 00:11:15,406 Oh, be quiet, doris. Let's Listen to mrs. Douglas. 272 00:11:15,474 --> 00:11:17,374 Thank you, mrs. Watson. 273 00:11:17,443 --> 00:11:19,543 Every woman should Have her hair done. 274 00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:21,545 Now, how could we Go to a cocktail party 275 00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:23,047 With our hair like this? 276 00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:24,215 Or to the opera? 277 00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:26,217 Or on a ride on Somebody's yacht? 278 00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:29,320 I never rode on a Yacht. What is it? 279 00:11:29,388 --> 00:11:31,055 It's a boat. 280 00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:32,601 Oh, when fred was courtin' me, 281 00:11:32,625 --> 00:11:33,769 He took me for a boat ride 282 00:11:33,793 --> 00:11:35,726 Down the tunnel of love. 283 00:11:35,795 --> 00:11:39,897 I never saw anybody Get so seasick. 284 00:11:39,966 --> 00:11:43,301 Well, I would love A beauty parlor. 285 00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:45,114 You sure could Do with one, cora. 286 00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:47,438 Not half as much as you. 287 00:11:47,506 --> 00:11:48,951 Would you like to step out 288 00:11:48,975 --> 00:11:49,907 On the porch? 289 00:11:49,976 --> 00:11:50,976 I certainly would! 290 00:11:51,010 --> 00:11:54,912 Ladies, ladies, please. 291 00:11:54,981 --> 00:11:56,959 I think having a Real beauty parlor 292 00:11:56,983 --> 00:11:59,083 In hooterville is A wonderful idea. 293 00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:01,452 So do I. But how Will we get one? 294 00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:04,255 If you appoint me to The committee in charge, 295 00:12:04,324 --> 00:12:05,756 I get you one. 296 00:12:05,825 --> 00:12:06,869 Ok, let's put it to a vote. 297 00:12:06,893 --> 00:12:09,227 All those in favor, Raise their hand. 298 00:12:10,429 --> 00:12:12,096 In-favor's have it. 299 00:12:20,439 --> 00:12:21,583 Honey. Ah. 300 00:12:21,607 --> 00:12:22,539 When'd you get home? 301 00:12:22,608 --> 00:12:23,540 Just now. 302 00:12:23,609 --> 00:12:25,087 Who you gonna call? Mother. 303 00:12:25,111 --> 00:12:26,111 What about? 304 00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:28,712 The in-favors voted For a beauty parlor, 305 00:12:28,781 --> 00:12:30,014 And I'm the committee. 306 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:31,182 What committee? 307 00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:33,117 The "Get one" committee. 308 00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:41,359 What's my mother Got to do with it? 309 00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,460 If anyone can, she can. 310 00:12:50,469 --> 00:12:51,469 Hello? 311 00:12:51,537 --> 00:12:54,005 Hello, mother. This is lisa. 312 00:12:54,073 --> 00:12:56,407 Lisa, darling, You're in new york. 313 00:12:56,475 --> 00:12:58,575 You escaped! 314 00:12:58,644 --> 00:12:59,743 No, mother, 315 00:12:59,812 --> 00:13:03,247 I'm still up here on The top of the pole. 316 00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:05,127 When is that frontier Phone company 317 00:13:05,151 --> 00:13:07,919 Going to put the Phone in the house? 318 00:13:07,987 --> 00:13:10,354 Mother, mother, I need your help. 319 00:13:10,423 --> 00:13:11,855 We got to have a beauty parlor 320 00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:13,057 Here in hootersville. 321 00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:16,193 You mean, you don't have one? 322 00:13:16,262 --> 00:13:17,194 Pack your things. 323 00:13:17,263 --> 00:13:20,197 I'll send a plane For you immediately. 324 00:13:20,266 --> 00:13:22,900 Hon, I promised the Ladies at the club. 325 00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:24,201 Club? 326 00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:25,580 You mean oliver's allowing you 327 00:13:25,604 --> 00:13:28,372 To fraternize with the natives? 328 00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:31,542 Mother, we need Somebody to do our hair. 329 00:13:31,610 --> 00:13:33,044 Could you send somebody? 330 00:13:33,112 --> 00:13:35,257 Well, I could call the Immigration department 331 00:13:35,281 --> 00:13:36,758 And ask them if they Have a hairdresser 332 00:13:36,782 --> 00:13:38,882 They'd like to deport. 333 00:13:38,952 --> 00:13:40,617 Mother, please. 334 00:13:40,686 --> 00:13:43,120 All right, darling. 335 00:13:43,189 --> 00:13:45,389 Let me see, now. 336 00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:46,890 Oh, of course! 337 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,270 Claude of the ritz plaza. 338 00:13:48,294 --> 00:13:49,934 I'll call him immediately. 339 00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:56,733 Well, here you are, clyde. 340 00:13:56,802 --> 00:13:58,902 Claude. 341 00:13:58,972 --> 00:14:00,237 Who lives here? 342 00:14:00,306 --> 00:14:02,239 Mr. And ms. Douglas. 343 00:14:02,308 --> 00:14:06,077 Then the rumors I heard In new york are true. 344 00:14:06,145 --> 00:14:07,744 He's drinking. 345 00:14:07,813 --> 00:14:10,848 Mr. Douglas is Not a drinkin' man. 346 00:14:10,916 --> 00:14:14,185 Uh, but I am. You got Anything in the case? 347 00:14:14,253 --> 00:14:17,188 Would you like a Little hair lacquer? 348 00:14:17,256 --> 00:14:18,622 How old is it? 349 00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:23,361 Oh, hey, just a Second, there, clyde. 350 00:14:23,429 --> 00:14:25,029 That's claude. 351 00:14:25,098 --> 00:14:29,367 Well, you owe me $1.65 for the taxi ride. 352 00:14:29,435 --> 00:14:32,536 $1.65?! 353 00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:34,249 That's a dollar for the ride, 354 00:14:34,273 --> 00:14:37,375 And the 65 is for Trip insurance. 355 00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:41,045 I'll not pay you a penny More than 50 cents. 356 00:14:41,114 --> 00:14:42,591 Now, just a second, claude. 357 00:14:42,615 --> 00:14:44,048 That's clyde... I mean... 358 00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:48,552 Well, whoever you are, You still owe me $1.65. 359 00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:50,388 Sue me. 360 00:14:50,456 --> 00:14:52,556 I might just do that. 361 00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:54,125 Mr. Douglas! 362 00:14:54,193 --> 00:14:56,227 Yes? 363 00:14:57,963 --> 00:15:00,231 I want you to meet my attorney. 364 00:15:00,299 --> 00:15:01,776 Mr. Douglas, I want you to sue 365 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:04,235 This feller for $1.65. 366 00:15:04,303 --> 00:15:06,404 And cost. 367 00:15:06,472 --> 00:15:08,072 Well, uh, 368 00:15:08,141 --> 00:15:11,842 My advice to you is to, Uh, settle out of court. 369 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,223 Oh, well, how about a dollar? 370 00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:17,681 Very well. 371 00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:18,894 Thank you. 372 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,518 And thank you. 373 00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:22,986 And here's your 15 cents change. 374 00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:24,555 15 cents? 375 00:15:24,623 --> 00:15:27,691 Yes. The 85 cents is For the legal advice 376 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,460 To settle out of court. 377 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:34,532 Mr. Douglas, you mother sent me. 378 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,534 I am claude of the ritz plaza. 379 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:39,370 Oh, you're mother's hairdresser. 380 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,372 Hair stylist, if you please. 381 00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:44,375 Oh. How did she get you To come way out here? 382 00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:45,921 Ha ha ha! Well, mr. Douglas, 383 00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:48,212 Everyone has a Skeleton in their closet. 384 00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:49,925 Somehow, your mother found mine. 385 00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:52,261 All she had to do was To say one word to me: 386 00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,552 Scranton. 387 00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:57,054 And here I am. 388 00:15:57,123 --> 00:15:58,934 What happened in scranton? 389 00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,724 Well... 390 00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:05,362 I don't think that's Any of your business. 391 00:16:05,431 --> 00:16:07,898 And now, if you'll Take me to your wife. 392 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,567 Oh, uh, she's in hooterville 393 00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:11,835 Looking for a place for You to use as a beauty shop. 394 00:16:11,904 --> 00:16:13,215 Well, what do I need a shop for? 395 00:16:13,239 --> 00:16:15,839 I just came here to Do your wife's hair. 396 00:16:15,908 --> 00:16:17,841 Didn't mother tell You about the ladies' 397 00:16:17,910 --> 00:16:21,178 Every other wednesday Afternoon discussion club? 398 00:16:21,247 --> 00:16:24,348 What is that? 399 00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:25,849 That is a discussion club 400 00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:27,218 Where they need their hair done. 401 00:16:27,286 --> 00:16:29,853 Well, I'm certainly Not going to open 402 00:16:29,922 --> 00:16:31,962 A beauty salon In a place like this. 403 00:16:33,926 --> 00:16:35,292 Scranton. 404 00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:40,351 How many women are there? 405 00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:48,567 I'm sorry, mrs. Douglas, I'd like to help you, 406 00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:50,569 But I just can't let You use my back room 407 00:16:50,593 --> 00:16:51,859 For a beauty shop. 408 00:16:51,928 --> 00:16:54,862 The barber wouldn't Let us use his shop, either. 409 00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:56,742 I-I-I don't know What you can do. 410 00:16:56,766 --> 00:17:00,034 All I need is a place for The women to sit down 411 00:17:00,103 --> 00:17:01,368 And get beautiful. 412 00:17:02,605 --> 00:17:03,537 Excuse me. 413 00:17:03,606 --> 00:17:04,750 Train leavin' on track one, 414 00:17:04,774 --> 00:17:06,085 Which is the only one we got, 415 00:17:06,109 --> 00:17:08,253 For bleaker's creek, Shady rest hotel, 416 00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:09,143 And pixley. 417 00:17:09,211 --> 00:17:10,310 'board! 418 00:17:10,379 --> 00:17:13,247 Oh, mr. Smoots, darling... 419 00:17:15,051 --> 00:17:16,917 Can I talk to you privately? 420 00:17:23,059 --> 00:17:26,326 Oh, mrs. Wilkins, you're Drying beautifully. 421 00:17:26,395 --> 00:17:28,929 Oh, mrs. Prentiss, I'm sure you are dry. 422 00:17:32,234 --> 00:17:34,101 How do I look? Here. 423 00:17:36,572 --> 00:17:38,505 I'm beautiful. 424 00:17:38,574 --> 00:17:41,008 Mrs. Prentiss, now You can go home. 425 00:17:41,077 --> 00:17:42,176 I'm afraid to move. 426 00:17:42,244 --> 00:17:44,679 Now, there. 427 00:17:44,747 --> 00:17:47,347 Floyd, how'd you get into this? 428 00:17:47,416 --> 00:17:49,061 Well, I ain't quite sure. 429 00:17:49,085 --> 00:17:51,063 All I remember is Mrs. Douglas said 430 00:17:51,087 --> 00:17:54,155 To me, "Mr. Smoots, darlink," 431 00:17:54,223 --> 00:17:56,383 And then everything went black. 432 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:05,866 Which one was that? 433 00:18:05,935 --> 00:18:07,201 Mrs. Prentiss. 434 00:18:07,269 --> 00:18:09,369 Well, I'll be doggone. 435 00:18:09,438 --> 00:18:10,683 You think he could do anything 436 00:18:10,707 --> 00:18:11,827 For me, charlie? 437 00:18:11,874 --> 00:18:13,640 Mercy. 438 00:18:13,710 --> 00:18:15,310 You're next, mrs. Watson. 439 00:18:15,377 --> 00:18:16,977 Ooh, I can hardly wait. 440 00:18:17,046 --> 00:18:19,046 I'm gonna be beautiful, girls. 441 00:18:19,115 --> 00:18:22,282 Claude, when are you Ready for mrs. Watson? 442 00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:25,319 This antiquated Equipment is impossible. 443 00:18:25,387 --> 00:18:27,988 Where did you get this Permanent wave machine? 444 00:18:28,057 --> 00:18:30,825 The blacksmith shop. 445 00:18:30,893 --> 00:18:33,293 Yecch. 446 00:18:33,362 --> 00:18:35,229 Well, now. 447 00:18:36,398 --> 00:18:38,498 What have we here? And, uh... 448 00:18:38,567 --> 00:18:41,335 What would you Like me to do with it? 449 00:18:41,403 --> 00:18:42,837 Make me beautiful. 450 00:18:42,905 --> 00:18:45,172 He's a hairdresser, Not a magician. 451 00:18:45,241 --> 00:18:46,907 Ha ha ha! 452 00:18:48,244 --> 00:18:49,888 Oh, how I'd love To short circuit 453 00:18:49,912 --> 00:18:51,445 Your head. 454 00:18:53,082 --> 00:18:54,849 Don't worry, mrs. Watson. 455 00:18:54,917 --> 00:18:58,018 Claude will make you beautiful. 456 00:18:58,087 --> 00:19:00,298 Do you, um, have any Idea what you'd like? 457 00:19:00,322 --> 00:19:01,856 Oh, yes. Oh, yes. 458 00:19:01,924 --> 00:19:02,857 I want you to do My hair just like 459 00:19:02,925 --> 00:19:03,858 You did mrs. Prentiss', 460 00:19:03,926 --> 00:19:05,570 Only taller and in red 461 00:19:05,594 --> 00:19:07,072 And with 3 spit curls, 462 00:19:07,096 --> 00:19:10,464 One here, here, and here. 463 00:19:10,532 --> 00:19:13,134 Spit curls? 464 00:19:13,202 --> 00:19:14,802 I absolutely refuse. 465 00:19:14,871 --> 00:19:16,751 Scranton... You're next. 466 00:19:22,879 --> 00:19:24,022 Hello, darling. 467 00:19:24,046 --> 00:19:25,479 Oh, hi. Honey, look, I fixed it, 468 00:19:25,547 --> 00:19:27,481 So it wouldn't come Off when you try... 469 00:19:27,549 --> 00:19:30,484 Oh, for crying out loud. 470 00:19:30,552 --> 00:19:32,030 Don't you notice anything? 471 00:19:32,054 --> 00:19:34,822 Huh? No. Where've you Been all afternoon? 472 00:19:34,891 --> 00:19:38,325 Can't you tell? Huh? 473 00:19:38,394 --> 00:19:40,494 The psychiatrist? 474 00:19:40,562 --> 00:19:42,663 The beauty parlor! 475 00:19:42,731 --> 00:19:45,499 Ohh, and you couldn't Get waited on? 476 00:19:45,567 --> 00:19:47,835 Oliver! 477 00:19:47,904 --> 00:19:49,503 You look beautiful. 478 00:19:49,571 --> 00:19:51,383 Oh, wait till you See the other women. 479 00:19:51,407 --> 00:19:53,527 They're husbands Won't recognize them. 480 00:19:59,081 --> 00:20:01,015 Who're you? 481 00:20:01,083 --> 00:20:03,350 Doris your wife! 482 00:20:03,419 --> 00:20:07,188 No, I never had a wife Of a head that high. 483 00:20:07,256 --> 00:20:09,389 It's the latest fashion, fred. 484 00:20:15,397 --> 00:20:18,199 You see what you Done? You scared arnold. 485 00:20:18,267 --> 00:20:19,700 Oh, too bad about him. 486 00:20:19,768 --> 00:20:21,202 Well, get that thing off. 487 00:20:21,270 --> 00:20:22,870 I can't. It's all me. 488 00:20:22,939 --> 00:20:25,706 Then, go feed the pigs. You're an hour late. 489 00:20:25,774 --> 00:20:27,541 Feed 'em yourself. 490 00:20:27,609 --> 00:20:29,376 I'm not gonna move from here 491 00:20:29,445 --> 00:20:31,312 Until my hair is set. 492 00:20:33,950 --> 00:20:35,549 What about my supper? 493 00:20:35,617 --> 00:20:36,717 What about it? 494 00:20:36,785 --> 00:20:38,585 Get in the kitchen and fix it. 495 00:20:38,620 --> 00:20:40,888 I'm not going near the stove. 496 00:20:40,957 --> 00:20:42,823 It'll steam out my spit curls. 497 00:20:56,638 --> 00:20:57,782 What's wrong here? 498 00:20:57,806 --> 00:21:01,075 Mr. Douglas, I brought You an angry mob. 499 00:21:01,143 --> 00:21:02,263 Well, I, uh, I... 500 00:21:02,311 --> 00:21:03,944 Oh, they're really steamed up. 501 00:21:04,013 --> 00:21:06,080 Care to hire a good 5-dollar bodyguard? 502 00:21:06,148 --> 00:21:07,081 No. 503 00:21:07,149 --> 00:21:08,916 Well, it's just as well. 504 00:21:08,985 --> 00:21:11,185 I can't stand the smell of tar, 505 00:21:11,254 --> 00:21:13,453 And them feathers Tickle my nose. 506 00:21:15,491 --> 00:21:18,525 Darling, darling, What's the matter? 507 00:21:18,594 --> 00:21:20,094 Hair. 508 00:21:20,162 --> 00:21:22,074 Since cora had her hair fixed, 509 00:21:22,098 --> 00:21:23,342 She won't fix my supper. 510 00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:24,464 Neither will doris. 511 00:21:24,533 --> 00:21:27,534 She won't even feed the pigs. 512 00:21:27,603 --> 00:21:29,647 And mine won't chop the wood. 513 00:21:29,671 --> 00:21:30,604 She just sits in front 514 00:21:30,672 --> 00:21:31,605 Of the mirror all day 515 00:21:31,673 --> 00:21:33,151 A-lookin' at herself. 516 00:21:34,510 --> 00:21:38,212 Now, uh, mr. Douglas, You're a city fella, 517 00:21:38,281 --> 00:21:39,713 But we have accepted you, 518 00:21:39,782 --> 00:21:41,748 Even if you do do Strange things. 519 00:21:41,817 --> 00:21:42,749 Like what? 520 00:21:42,818 --> 00:21:44,251 Buyin' this farm. 521 00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:45,563 Oh, I... Yeah. 522 00:21:45,587 --> 00:21:47,432 And always stickin' up for 523 00:21:47,456 --> 00:21:49,167 The department of agriculture. 524 00:21:49,191 --> 00:21:50,357 Sure, but... 525 00:21:50,426 --> 00:21:51,770 And drivin' a tractor 526 00:21:51,794 --> 00:21:53,827 With your vest on. 527 00:21:53,896 --> 00:21:54,940 Gentlemen, I just... 528 00:21:54,964 --> 00:21:56,730 Now you've gone too far, 529 00:21:56,799 --> 00:21:59,733 Inflictin' your city ways On us by mollycoddlin' 530 00:21:59,802 --> 00:22:01,701 Our women with that Fancy hairdresser. 531 00:22:01,770 --> 00:22:03,949 Yeah, they're actin' Like city women. 532 00:22:03,973 --> 00:22:06,573 They just sit and do nothin'. 533 00:22:06,642 --> 00:22:10,010 Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. 534 00:22:10,079 --> 00:22:11,979 I'm surprised at you. 535 00:22:12,048 --> 00:22:15,515 City women and farm Women are exactly the same. 536 00:22:15,584 --> 00:22:17,017 The only difference is 537 00:22:17,086 --> 00:22:19,019 That the city women Live in the city, 538 00:22:19,088 --> 00:22:21,188 And the farm women on the farm. 539 00:22:21,257 --> 00:22:23,402 Outside of that, you Can't tell the difference, 540 00:22:23,426 --> 00:22:24,736 Unless you look at their hair. 541 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:26,238 Lisa... Now, why do think 542 00:22:26,262 --> 00:22:28,028 These women want To be beautiful? 543 00:22:28,097 --> 00:22:30,497 For you. For their husbands. 544 00:22:30,566 --> 00:22:33,367 So that when you come Home from the farm tired, 545 00:22:33,436 --> 00:22:35,369 Well, you don't Get anything to eat, 546 00:22:35,438 --> 00:22:38,205 But you have something Beautiful to look at. 547 00:22:38,274 --> 00:22:41,575 All you think of Is your stomachs. 548 00:22:41,643 --> 00:22:43,710 Do you know what They have to go through 549 00:22:43,779 --> 00:22:45,045 To be beautiful? 550 00:22:45,114 --> 00:22:46,380 Well, I tell you. 551 00:22:46,449 --> 00:22:49,883 Did you ever sit under A hot dryer for 3 hours 552 00:22:49,952 --> 00:22:51,885 To have your hair electrified 553 00:22:51,954 --> 00:22:54,488 To be permanented? 554 00:22:54,556 --> 00:22:56,056 Lisa... Please. 555 00:22:56,125 --> 00:22:57,436 Don't interrupt me when I'm mad. 556 00:22:57,460 --> 00:22:58,603 Well, I just want to translate 557 00:22:58,627 --> 00:22:59,559 That last speech. 558 00:22:59,628 --> 00:23:01,228 They understand. 559 00:23:01,297 --> 00:23:02,896 Mr. Ziffel. 560 00:23:02,965 --> 00:23:05,399 When was it the last time That you told your wife 561 00:23:05,468 --> 00:23:06,666 That she was beautiful? 562 00:23:06,735 --> 00:23:09,836 1929. 563 00:23:09,905 --> 00:23:12,172 Well, tell her again. 564 00:23:12,241 --> 00:23:14,674 And when was the last Time you gentlemen took out 565 00:23:14,743 --> 00:23:17,111 Your wives for dinner With a beautiful hair? 566 00:23:20,082 --> 00:23:22,682 Go home. Look at your wives. 567 00:23:22,751 --> 00:23:24,184 Make a date for dinner. 568 00:23:24,253 --> 00:23:27,854 Send them flowers, Buy them wine, and... 569 00:23:27,923 --> 00:23:31,191 Well, the rest Of it is up to you. 570 00:23:31,260 --> 00:23:33,127 I thank you, gentlemen. 571 00:23:36,932 --> 00:23:39,533 Maybe she's right, fred. 572 00:23:39,601 --> 00:23:41,701 Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt 573 00:23:41,770 --> 00:23:43,870 To soft talk doris a little. 574 00:23:43,939 --> 00:23:45,539 She's been a good wife. 575 00:23:45,607 --> 00:23:47,374 And there ain't another Woman in this valley 576 00:23:47,443 --> 00:23:49,809 Can get along with my Pigs better than doris. 577 00:23:52,781 --> 00:23:54,881 Lisa? Lisa? 578 00:23:54,950 --> 00:23:57,051 Yes, darling? 579 00:23:57,119 --> 00:23:58,399 What are you all dressed up for? 580 00:23:58,454 --> 00:24:00,220 For dinner. 581 00:24:00,289 --> 00:24:01,721 You're gonna Cook dinner in that? 582 00:24:01,790 --> 00:24:03,557 Where are my flowers? 583 00:24:03,625 --> 00:24:04,724 Flowers? 584 00:24:04,793 --> 00:24:06,393 And where is the wine? 585 00:24:06,462 --> 00:24:07,561 Wine? 586 00:24:07,629 --> 00:24:09,996 Put on your tuxedo. We're going out. 587 00:24:10,066 --> 00:24:11,498 We're going out? 588 00:24:11,567 --> 00:24:13,045 You didn't listen While I was talking 589 00:24:13,069 --> 00:24:14,668 To the men? 590 00:24:14,736 --> 00:24:15,835 Oh. 591 00:24:15,904 --> 00:24:17,504 Oh, honey, I'm not Gonna get dressed up 592 00:24:17,573 --> 00:24:19,005 And go out to dinner tonight. 593 00:24:19,075 --> 00:24:21,007 Scranton. 594 00:24:21,077 --> 00:24:22,842 Huh? 595 00:24:22,911 --> 00:24:25,345 Oh, no, that doesn't Work for me. No, no. 596 00:24:25,414 --> 00:24:26,680 Anyway, get dressed. 597 00:24:26,748 --> 00:24:30,517 I make a reservation at The hootersville diner. 598 00:24:30,586 --> 00:24:32,519 Come here. 599 00:24:32,588 --> 00:24:34,455 Ohh, don't muss my hair. 600 00:24:36,592 --> 00:24:38,459 Not too much. 601 00:24:39,595 --> 00:24:43,029 Hey, tell me, 602 00:24:43,099 --> 00:24:45,532 What did happen in Scranton, anyway? 603 00:24:45,601 --> 00:24:47,033 I don't know. 604 00:24:47,103 --> 00:24:50,036 Captioning made possible By mgm home entertainment 605 00:24:50,106 --> 00:24:53,226 Captioned by the national Captioning institute... Www.Ncicap.Org... 38253

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