All language subtitles for English UNCUT version

Nevermore, tell me not these things.

Oh, Viscount. How I love thee.

I love thee even unto death.
Look, how I love thee.

Look, now,
now I'll shall give thee proof.

The proof is this cake.

Holy shit! That's good!

Did you see how to eat it?

Hey Angela, it's fine that
your boyfriend is the director,

but he only takes the
place of the actors,

in the scenes where there is food.

Did you guys see how to do it?

There is no poison.
This is the proof of our love,

And now. Now Viscount,
I am thine for life.

Take me. Possess me.

Catch me!
Damn it, knight!

Kiss me, my dear?

Stop, what are you doing?
It's just rehearsal.

If I'm careless,
he'll kiss me.

Angela,
do you understand how to do it?

Angela, get up.
Let's rehearse. Come on.

But Lillino, you can't expect
me to do such erotic scenes?

I'm not a great actor
like you think I am.

You're huge,
and I am a great director.

Get on stage
and take over this part. Eh?

Come on. Give it a try.
Then everyone can...

Angela, it's late.
Angela, let's go.

Countess Amalia, you're ruining rehearsal.
Can't you see we're rehearsing?

- We are busy rehearsing.
- What rehearsing, rehearsing?

The first race will begin shortly.
Come on, Angela. Let's go.

Go on! I don't understand how you can ruin
such a serious thing like the Theater.

And to think, that after
debuting here in Bologna...

we could even debut in the
New York metropolitan area. Eh?

Theater means we race against time
instead of going to the horse race.

Count me out. Even
cannons won't make me go.

Good, in the meantime
we're going to eat.

Well, let's eat then.

THE LANDLORD
(PARADISE GUESTHOUSE)

Hey!

Hi, Giorgia!

I am finally done with school!

- How are you?
- I'm good, little sister.

- Hello Aunt.
- Hello.

How come you always
make me drive!

It doesn't make a difference.

Hurry up,
the races are going to start.

I can finally take off this uniform.
I can't stand it anymore.

Good day, lady countess.
What would you like to eat today?

It doesn't matter.
The second race soon will start soon.

Hurry, hurry.
Bring whatever you want.

Some fettuccine, but hurry.

Right away.

- Dear. How are you?
- Very good.

You're wonderful.

We were rehearsing "The Virgin and
the Viscount" directed by Lillino...

- My part is the...
- Who is that charming man?

- Day after tomorrow?
- That will be fine.

The same place as always?

He looks like Lillino.

- Sounds good, bye.
- Bye.

- Good day, Lady Countess.
- Ah.

How are you?

Anselmo Bresci.

- So you're racing now?
- Yes, today is my race.

The race of the gentleman.

Very good. Good luck.

Thank you, Lady Countess,
with your permission.

(Gesture to ward off danger)

What he will eat? He
is all alone... my Lillino.

Cuckoo, here I am.
Hello "my love".

- Come, come.
- Yes.

Good day, Lady Countess.

Lillino, who was it that
said, "I'm not coming?"

- Ah, hi Giorgia.
- Hurry, hurry. Come.

Are you eating with us?

No, thanks.
I am not hungry.

That cake got stuck right here,
you know?

Plus the fact that
I get very nervous,

When rehearsal is is left
half done, I can't stand it.

And you lady countess,
you never us alone, eh?

No thanks, I'm on a diet.

Guess what idea came
to me this morning?

A wonderful idea came to me.

I'm going to do a theatrical
version of the Ugolino story,

Count Ugolino. The one who ate
the bodies of his children. No?

Count Ugolino will be done by me,

And you will play the role of Beatrice.
Like the idea?

- Ah, yes.
- Are you happy?

I will serve.
Thank you.

Dishes... It always amuses me,

I've always liked filling up dishes,
even when it's not mine.

- A little please.
- Here you go.

- Giorgia, Giorgia.
- What is it?

Run. Go and bet fifty
thousand Liras on "Ciccio Bello".

Oh course.

Hurry, hurry, eh?

Is "Ciccio Bello" any good?
A good horse?

Oh, fabulous. Fabulous.

Do you know what's nice?
These noodles...

Excuse me.

What number is
Mr. Anselmo Bresci's horse's number?

Bresci, Bresci?

"Peloceto", number three.

Alright. Fifty thousand
Liras on number three.

Okay.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

And to you.

Second race "Dusk" to win.
Here's two million Liras.

Very well, sir.

(Announcer): In the first fifty meters,
all the horses run together...

Now "Ragazzo" leads the group...

Just behind it's "Radamès"...

"Diamante" pulls ahead of "Peloceto"...

who running down
the middle of the course.

Some reckless riding...
"Peloceto" is disqualified!

And now catching up,
it's "Ciccio Bello".

And down the final stretch...

"Radamès" and "Ciccio Bello"
neck and neck!

And "Ciccio Bello"
wins by two lengths!

I knew it!
I knew it!

- What a great horse, that "Ciccio Bello".
- Look how happy she is.

And nobody believed it!

And now they'll pay me
twenty to one!

Did you see that Giorgia?
Well now?

What do you think, Giorgia?

Uh, aunt... I really didn't...

I didn't bet on "Ciccio Bello".

What? What?
You didn't...

No. I bet on... "Peloceto".

For Anselmo Bresci's horse?

You bet on that mare...
and not on "Ciccio Bello"?

Aunt it was just a mistake.
She's not used to doing this.

I'm so sorry, aunt.

What does it matter?
She's laughing? She's happy? No?

Who cares about
"Ciccio Bello" or "Ciccio Ugly",

As long you have good health?

Hey, what's the matter?

She is dead, eh.

And therefore, dear ladies.

Let us be clear...
Money... there isn't anything.

Your poor aunt has mostly
left you debts.

After all,
her gambling habit was well known.

- Our poor aunt.
- Yes.

However,
you still have one property.

A villa in the area of Colle Verde,

on the outskirts of the city.

A villa?

Yes, Miss,

But you better not
get your hopes up.

The Countess had tried to
sell it on several occasions,

but the property is in
such terrible condition.

What a scare.

Well, in fact,
it's not in very good shape.

What can I say, dear ladies.

The villa is what you see.

Be careful, Giorgia. Oh.

My duty was to accompany you two.

Look, there are other rooms here.
Come, come. I'll show you the way.

It's very large.

What are we going to do here?

It looks like...

It looks like a monastery or
an abandoned barracks .

I do not know...

A guesthouse.

A guesthouse...
A guesthouse!

Well done Angela.
A guesthouse!

Well done.

Good morning.

Having a sandwich, huh?

Are you turning it white?

Yes, cleaning up a bit.

- Do you have something to open this?
- There's a hammer over there.

What the... My sandwich!

Did I eat it without realizing it?

'Paradise Guesthouse'

Radamès, I'm coming.

Oh, no.

Angela. Angela, please go back to bed.

Who is Angela?
I am Aida.

I have to go to meet Radamès

Okay, fine, you are Aida,
but now go back to bed.

Stop being the usual pain in the ass!

Come on, go.

Come on, go.

That's good. Come on.

Take it all off.

Get rid of all this.

Tell me,
tell me I'm a slut.

Yes, yes.
You are a slut.

But not here, huh?

Where are you going?
Wait. Come here.

Excuse me, Mr. Bresci?

- Mr. Bresci, please.
- What?

Mr. Bresci.

Oh, he is in the office.
I'll go call him.

Fine, thanks.

- Is he writing?
- No he is going over the bills.

Shit.

- But, who is here?
- There's a young lady asking for you.

Oh, it's you, Giorgia.

Good morning, Don Anselmo.

I brought you this sample.

We would like some brochures
made to advertise our guesthouse.

Ah, good, good.
I'll take care of that.

Goodbye, eh?
Goodbye.

As for the price, Don Anselmo,

you're going to have
to help us out you know.

After all, my aunt died
partly through your fault.

"Ciccio Bello", huh?

Yes, yes, "Ciccio Bello",
Mr. Anselmo...

Anyways, we'll come to
an agreement on the price.

Bye. Bye, huh?

They will be ready tonight.

Beautiful.

Oh... oh!

A doctor, please. He fell and
hurt himself down below.

Arriving on the second local track from...

Ferrara, Ravenna and Rimini.

Arriving on the second local track from...

Ferrara, Ravenna and...

Take one.

What are you doing
giving a dog a brochure?

If there is a dog, the owner
will be nearby also, right?

Dog owner, dog owner, dog owner!

That's me,
what has the dog done?

He is like this so no one
will steal my suitcase.

Oh, why?
Is he an anti-theft dog?

No, he's a anti-drug dog,

but now he is a little high,
the poor dog,

When he sniffed some drugs,
he ended up getting drugged himself.

So, you just arrived?

Yes, I just came from Naples.

I came to Bologna because they say there
is a very good Swiss veterinarian here.

So, are you looking for a hotel.

Yes, at least for a week,
to detoxify the "Gennarino".

And why don't you come
to our 'Paradise Guesthouse'?

I sure you a person
with great references.

Allow me, Marshal Pasquale
Esposito of the anti-drug center.

Plus having a policeman at our
place would give us security.

Yes, yes, I understand, but
how much does full board cost?

Well, fifty thousand,
everything included.

- A month?
- A day.

Ah, a day.

No, that's too much, I can't spend
that much. I'm a civil servant.

And what will I do with Gennarino?

Let's see, how about five thousand?

- For a month?
- For one day.

No, no. At least ten thousand.

- For one day?
- A week.

Ah, ten thousand a week.

Gennarino, where are you going?

You don't know Bologna.
Come here, Gennarino.

There he is.

- Hey!
- Gennarino, Gennarino.

Gennarino, don't bark!

This a drug store.
They are not drug addicts.

Like I said,
he is a little crazy.

They gave him the silver medal...

and now he can't even smell.
Can you believe it?

Let's go, dummy.
Let's go.

Mr. Lawyer, what about the case...

Deny, deny, deny!

I'm very worried because my wife says...

Deny it, deny it!

Mr. Lawyer, your briefcase.

Goodbye my man.
I'll call you tomorrow.

Hi, Mr. lawyer, how are you?

- Guess what? Your case is settled, eh?
- Oh, yes, thanks.

Don't screw people in the ass...
I'll give you a tip, eh?

- Oh, thanks!
- Here you go, I'll give you 10,000 Lira,

so you won't screw me
in the ass too. Eh?

- Now I'm happy.
- Bye.

- Thank you Mr. lawyer.
- Bye, my man.

Now the key to this little door
and I'll get into my toy car.

All these forgers are crazy.
It takes a billion Lira to...

Oh... sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'm in the wrong car.

No, no, no. You'll have to excuse me but,
I couldn't walk around in this state.

Certainly, I can see that.

I lost my dress.

Ah, wow, you lost your dress!
You poor girl. A girl in distress, huh?

Can you please take me home.
I don't know what else to do!

Ah, you want to go home.
I was just about to suggest that.

Of course. I'd be happy to.

It's a nice day, isn't it?

Why don't you put
the key in the ignition?

Of course. Ah, there we go.

Ah, it works. Let's go.

Listen, Mr. lawyer. You're not from
here, that is, you don't live here, right?

No, I'm from Florence,
but I work in Bologna. Why?

No, no, it's nothing. It's just that
you could come stay with us.

Us? Who is that?

Yes. With us. My sister and I.
We live alone.

Really?
Two sisters living alone!

We have a guesthouse,

The 'Paradise Guesthouse' in Colle Verde.

It's a little out of the way.

Ah, out of the way, huh?
And tell me one thing,

Is it very popular?

No, no, no... Not just anyone stops by.
Only very distinguished people.

I consider myself a distinguished
person. I could go right away.

Forgive the indiscretion,
but what is the price?

Ah... Fifty thousand.

Well, that's a little expensive.

And how long can one stay?

Ah, for as long as you like.

We have a client who has
been with us for ten days.

Oh! Really? What endurance!

Hey, what if, if I stayed for a,
a couple of days,

Would you always be
at my disposal?

Yes, of course, but remember
that it is fifty thousand Lira a day.

Ah, the price seems very affordable.

Also, I'll tell you something,

Okay, if you take good care
of me and you area nice to me,

I will give you a nice gift,

- Come on, let's go!
- Ah, ha.

"Come on let's go roll in the hay,
you and me shall have a lay."

That is a nice little Tuscan song...

(This big doll
is finger-lickin' good...)

Look at that Angela, 100,000
Lira for two days, paid in advance.

Let's hope he doesn't complain
about my cooking, you know,

I'm not a good cook.

He will.
He is a very friendly person,

A nice guy.

Come on dear...

Stupid... I'm at the airport,
I have to be in Zurich tonight.

What's that? Look, don't waste
my time or I'll miss my plane.

Yes, I have to be
in Zurich this evening.

Okay, bye.

- Your plane is leaving, huh?
- Yeah.

Are you the little sister's big sister?

Uh huh.

Her ass is a beautiful cake!

What a thing to say!

Can I make another call?

Of course.
Holy Madonna!

Hello,
I'd like to talk to Dr. Settebeni.

Yes, yes, this is Settebeni.
That's me. Who is this?

Ah, it's you Mandelli!

How are you?

(Speaking French) "Ah, monsieur,
si vous voulez parler avec l'Italie."

"J'ai un appel de Zurich à Bologne."

I do not understand anything.
What are you saying?

You can't hear me well, because
I'm speaking to you from Zurich.

Bologna. Yes, Miss. Bologna.

These foreigners don't understand a thing.

Well, are you taking
on my case, yes or no?

Yes, don't worry about the ca...

There is some interference.

I'm not surprised.
It's a long distance call.

Do you hear the birds?

No, I'm not in paradise.
I'm in Switzerland, silly.

Don't worry, I studied
everything on the plane.

Okay, I trust you, bye.

It was Mandelli calling from Zurich.
I don't know why he is there.

We have chosen a lawyer
who is a real moron.

You'll see how your case will end
for you when they throw you in jail,

for performing the wrong operation.

Okay, Adela. Please, you don't
understand surgery anyway so calm down.

You'll see.
Everything will be fine.

Oh yeah. Are you going to replace them
with yours? For what they are worth.

Adela, I would be grateful,

if you wouldn't talk about sexual
anatomical details. It's in bad taste.

- Here's your coffee.
- Oh, thank...

I put in three teaspoons of sugar for you.

Thanks dear.
I'd have nothing without you.

Forget it, Aunt.

Because the maid is off,
I wouldn't have had my coffee.

Tell me something, Horacio.
Why didn't you bring me coffee?

Because you never asked me.

- Didn't I ask him?
- No.

Do you know what I'm going to do?
I'll make it myself.

- That seems very good idea.
- Thanks aunt.

- La, la, la, la, la, la, la,
- Cuckoo.

Hello, "my darling".

It seems like a coincidence, but every
time I appear, you are setting the table.

- Do you always eat here?
- Yes.

Come over here, come over here,
my little sparrow.

Listen to this nice idea...

Tonight I'll stay over and
we'll finally make love.

We have been making
love for five years.

I'm talking about another
kind of love "my darling",

My little lovebird.
That's platonic love.

- I am referring to carnal love.
- Ah.

Now that your not under your aunt's thumb,
may God bless her,

- Now we can be wild!
- Oh!

Lillino, what are you saying?

No, we have to wait.
First, there has to be marriage,

then after the wedding trip
and then after the honeymoon.

- And then after 25th anniversary!
- Right!

When you talk like that,
you really get on my nerves..

It totally wipes out my appetite.

What the hell was that!

Come in.

At last.

I've come to tell you
that dinner is ready.

Ah...

The dinner, huh?

Naturally. Fifty thousand.
Everything included.

Breakfast, lunch, dinner and...

What a good deal and good joke.

Even full board.

Come here you pretty doll...

What are you doing?
Are you crazy?

How am I crazy?

Eh, don't tell you have
already forgotten about,

the one hundred Liras I gave
to you two hours ago, Right?

One hundred thousand Liras in advance
for two days of room and board.

For two days of room and
board... lunch, dinner... Ah!

God, what a scoundrel
I have been...

If I tell this story, no one will
believe me. Forgive me, I'm sorry.

I'm gonna go,
I must leave.

But how are you going to leave?

Where you going? You called your wife
telling her you were going to Zurich?

But how can you show yourself now?
It's really useless for me to stay.

I must go. What a misunderstanding!
But look at my stuff.

- No, no, no, Mr. Lawyer.
- I'm going.

- You don't have to go.
- Well, I thought...

- It was just a mistake in the end.
- I was just hoping...

After all, I'm a girl and you're
a man, you never know.

By getting to know each other,
becoming friends, take a liking to,

It is possible. In the end, we
could reach an agreement.

- Yes, of course.
- Really.

- Oh really.
- Who knows.

My lovebird...

- Listen, Mr. Lawyer...
- Yes

This is a guesthouse that,

- I'm sure you will have a great time.
- I'm sure I will.

We have really nice people.

- Yes.
- We'll have great time, I'm sure.

Plus, here's my sister that...

- Call me Armando.
- Yes, Armando.

Mother! Oh!

- Come in.
- What's going on?

What's happening Marshal?

Gennarino is uneasy
because of the drugs.

Since he sniffed the stuff,
he hasn't felt good.

It'll go away, don't worry.

- Do you happen to have an aspirin?
- You want to give the dog an aspirin?

Yes, with a little Coca-Cola.

Okay, let's go down to the kitchen.

Let's go with the lady.

Aspirin and Coca-Cola.

Let's see what homemade drug
we can make. Come on, Gennarino.

Lillino. Oh.
Come here, come here.

(English) "Good night my
little darling. Why never in..."

Like in American movies.

Goodbye, I'll see you
tomorrow. Give me a kiss.

Okay, but without the tongue.

It's a sin
if we do it that way.

But, what is the sin?

A kiss without the tongue
is like rice without peas.

It's like bread without cheese.

Chopin Sonata No. 3...
Uh, look how late it is?

Bye.
See you tomorrow, after rehearsal.

- Lillino.
- What is it?

- The kiss.
- Okay, with half a tongue.

Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Giorgia, Giorgia.

Giorgia. Giorgia.

Giorgia.

Did you miss the plane?

Yes.
Uh, Are you also a customer?

- Yes, Marshal Pasquale Esposito.
- Ah.

At ease!

Marshal, huh?

Yes, a Marshal in the police force,

- but nobody knows.
- That you are a Marshal?

- No, that I'm here.
- Ah, yes, I understand.

- I'm lawyer Mandelli, but nobody knows.
- That you're a lawyer?

No, that I'm here.
It's better not to say anything.

I agree.

Right, right, right.

So I went to war
in Africa dear lawyer.

I was the telegraph operator.

I am only here
because of a true miracle.

Listen,
I was a dead man in Diredaua,

Oh yeah. Well, no one
would have guessed it.

Yes. I got a terrible
sunstroke, dear lawyer.

I got it right up here.

- Precisely in the center of the head.
- Ah.

I was the telegraph operator,

I was receiving a very important message
under our tent, that came from Rome.

- Lawyer, did you hear?
- Yes, yes.

- Where are you looking?
- I hear you.

Well, I wrote down a message
to take to high command.

It said to retreat,
you'll never make it.

There is no time to waste.

I quickly left the tent with
the telegram and I got sunstroke.

And I dead on the ground...
Mr. lawyer? Mr. lawyer? I'm here.

Yes, I know, I know.

- But, look at me.
- I am.

Well, I fell to the ground.

An officer arrives on a white horse,
a hunk of a man with a mustache.

He gets off the horse and...

he gives me a kiss and as if by
magic, I came back to my senses.

Oh God,
I understand these things.

You know?
Being at war, far from family,

After all, he was an official
and the flesh is weak.

What do you mean the flesh is weak?
Who did he take me for?

A kiss on the mouth.
Artificial respiration.

- And then I came back to life...
- Ah, ha, ha.

Gennarino,

- Ah
- Yes, it's Gennarino.

Excuse me, he has
had very bad diarrhea.

- Yes, go on then.
- He is calling me.

Gennarino, papa is coming.

Mark Antony!

No.

- Mark Antony!
- No, uh.

Excuse me,
have you seen your sister?

- Mark Antony! I'm here!
- I'm not Mark Antony.

Hold on.
Hey, don't touch me!

Look, make sure Cleopatra
doesn't do anything.

No, no. Let's think about this,
because I really don't want to.

- Wait a minute.
- Let's spend our last night together!

Let me talk to your sister.

- No! No!
- I'm yours until my last breath!

Come on.
Wake up. Calm down!

No!

Calm down... calm... hey?

- What are you doing?
- Ah!

No, no! No, no!

- Stop, stop!
- Ah, ha, ha, ha!

- No!
- Oh!

- For goodness' sake!
- Take me!

- No, no!
- Take me! Take me tonight!

Be careful. Be careful
or my shirt will rip.

Stop! No, no!

Mark Antony, you're trembling
with great passion.

Uh!

But... my name is Armando, not
Mark Antony. What are you doing?

You are Mark Antony!
Mark Antony! Mark Antony!

What are you doing? You're hitting
me a lot. At least, don't hit me.

Mr. Anselmo?

Mr. Anselmo...
Mr. Anselmo...

Hey? Who is it? Where?

Mr. Anselmo...

Just yesterday...

I was talking with my
sister and I said,

"Why don't we invite Mr. Bresci
over one of these nights"?

That's so kind.
Here's the rest of the brochures.

I will see you later,
lovely girl. Okay?

- Goodbye.
- What are you doing?

I assure you that one of these
nights, I will come see you.

Bye, bye.

But, hey Rosaria.
What are you doing dressed?

I have to go. You know
my husband controls me.

Damn, we didn't succeed
this time either.

- It wasn't possible.
- Rosaria.

Not this time either.

Don Anselmo, it's just
that fate doesn't allow it.

But soon it will be
our destiny.

Bye, see you soon.

Holy shit!

Hey, please, can you help us
with these brochures?

- My pleasure.
- Thank you.

- See you around.
- See you around.

Goodbye.

What are you looking for?
There is nothing, Mr. Judge.

Since you came to town,
we had to stop selling Mickey Mouse,

We are afraid that you will confiscate the
comics that show Minnie Mouse in underwear.

I will decide if there
is something or not.

And don't try to be funny, eh?

You should thank me.

Do you want all the children
to become degenerates? Hey?

Well, not just degenerates.

If we continue like this,
we will all become faggots, Mr. Judge.

Hey, can you do me a favor?

For a big doll like you,
I can even do two favors.

Can you hand out these brochures?

It's about a guesthouse
that my sister and I have.

- Two little sisters.
- Yeah.

And where is this guesthouse?

- Near the hill, towards San Luca.
- Towards San Luca.

Don't worry and I'll
happy to help advertise.

Please give us a lot of publicity.

- Of course.
- Thank you, Goodbye.

Well, Mr. Judge. Do want to
confiscate my eyes as well, huh?

'Paradise Guesthouse'.

Ran by two sisters.

Comfortable. Reasonable prices.
Address: Mainardi Sisters.

Typical, typical.

Typical? What is typical?

The typical screen for a
sordid and active brothel.

Well, see you later.

Go on, go on, Mr. Judge,

It's better that they are
degenerates than faggots.

De Petris!

You know I don't tolerate you
touching the evidence of crimes.

I was just checking.
How disgusting, Mr. Judge.

How awful.

But they didn't count on me...
on Judge Damiani.

Let's see...

I made a list of the material
that needs to be seized today.

- Good.
- Okay, write this down...

Right away.

- Three magazines.
- Three magazines.

- A movie.
- A movie.

- Advertising for a brand of "blue jeans".
- A brand of "blue jeans".

- And then there is "Casinò Di Venezia".
- "Casinò Di"....

Di Venezia (Of Venice)?

They did not highlight the accent over the
"Ò" correctly in "Casinò Di Venezia"

But...

De Petris!
Wake up, wake up!

You are going to make me
lose my marbles.

No, no, you won't
lose your marbles.

Yes, yes, yes...
Uh, uh... yes, they...

they masturbate.
I know all about it.

Giorgia, why do you want me
to leave you here on the street?

Because we need
to get more clients,

And know I know
how to get them.

What a fool I have been!
It never occurred to me before.

Ah, so what idea came to you?

The men who come to our place believe
they are coming for something else,

So, we have to make them believe
they will find that one thing.

Ah... That's too difficult for me.
I don't get it.

It doesn't matter if you don't understand
it, the important thing is that I do.

And how are you going to get
back to our guesthouse?

Don't worry,

Leave it to me.
I know how to handle it.

We can't. We're in a race.

- Do you need a lift, miss?
- No, no. Thanks.

I'm going to Bologna.

I have changed my mind.
I'm going to go to Campobasso.

Oh Vincenzo, stop for a moment.

That lady over there needs a ride.

So they stole your scooter, huh?

Yes, apparently they had other intentions,
but I know how to defend myself.

Of course,
crime is on the rise.

I would propose a law that would, uh...

Are you from Bologna?

No.

And will you be here for long?

Uh, um... One... One...

Three or four days.

Uh, I guess you already
have a hotel booked.

Well, I think the party secretary
has taken care of that, naturally.

What a pity.

- Why?
- Because you could come stay with us.

With you where?

Well, to our villa,

'Paradise Guesthouse' owned by
two sisters, reasonable prices.

Well, I could think about it if...

Maybe, um, um, Let's me see...

Perhaps, I could come over one
of these days and have some tea.

I will gladly offer it to you.

Now that you know the way,
I hope you keep your promise.

Vincenzo, uh...

Go pick one of those beautiful roses
on the wall that we just passed.

Book me a room for tonight.

What was that?

Book me a room for tonight.

Uh, thanks, Vincenzo.

It is always a good idea to be on
good terms with potential voters.

You are as beautiful as a rose.

Thank you.

No, Settebeni,
you don't have to worry,

And don't let your wife
influence you, hey?

Can you hear that?
It is telephone interference.

I'll be there tomorrow morning.

Yes, it'll be Judge Damiani.

What's that?...
No, nothing like that...

(French) "Monsieur,
vous avez terminé de parler avec l'Italie?"

Miss...

(Speaking French) "S'il te plaît,
Je suis au telephone avec l'Italie"...

"Je ne comprend pas." Hey?

- Besides, that has to be proven.
- Of course they will prove it, Mandelli,

All he has to do is drop his pants and
you can tell there is nothing in there.

Yes, I cut them off. What
do you want me to say?

A very rare case in surgery.

We would have to demonstrate
that it was necessary,

I don't know, he had
a very low appendix and,

his balls, his balls.
I cut them off.

Yes, yes, I know, the word is very
unscientific, but very precise.

I agree, but it is also
very debatable. Hey?

Anyway, he is without testicles.

I will arrive tomorrow on
the first plane from Zurich.

I advise you not to phone Damiani.

Oh, you want the number to call him?
Fine, do whatever you want.

Alright. Alright. I have my address
book in my jacket, I'll go get it for you.

Hey, don't get nervous.
Hold on a minute. Wait.

Ah!

Hmm...

Hello... hello...

Hello... (Speaking French) "vou
parle francais, mademoiselle?"

Who is speaking?

What, "who is speaking?"
Who am I speaking too?

- Is this Zurich?
- What do you mean Zurich?

This is the Bologna
'Paradise Guesthouse'.

If want to make jokes,
call another number.

'Paradise Guesthouse'. What
in the world is going on, Mr. Mandelli?

Anyway, let's go over here.

Settebeni, every time you annoy
someone else, you also annoy me.

But why do I put up with you?

Hello? Switzerland? Sure it's
Switzerland. Shit! They hung up.

- Let's see. What needs to be cut?
- Huh?

- Nothing, nothing.
- Hey.

Wait. Where is he going?

Come back here...

This is a slight modification
to the master plan,

already discussed in the assembly.

- Alright.
- You can sign.

A slight amendment to the retiree
pension already discussed in the assembly.

You can sign.

This would be that layout
change for the new highway,

already discussed in the assembly.

You can sign.

Alright.

- Your Excellency?
- Yes.

What about the invitation to dinner
from Homeland and Industry?

I'm really exhausted, I would
prefer to just get some rest.

- Good evening, Your Excellency.
- Good night. I can't do anymore.

The key, please.
I do not want to be disturbed.

- You can sign.
- Very well.

Thank you.

- Where is the excellency going?
- Ha, ha. To get laid.

Tonight, we will eat
as God commands.

You have been very kind
cooking for us.

To be modest,
this is my specialty...

"Spaghetti Alla Puttanesca".

Ah! "Puttana". That's profanity. Ah!

That's not profanity. It's the
name of spaghetti with olives,

That is how it is called.
It's finger lickin' good, young lady.

Ah, and tonight my
Lillino is not here.

- Cuckoo.
- Ah!

- Here I am.
- Lillino

- I have to leave in the morning.
- We are just getting to know each other.

But I'll be back,
I'll be back!

Tonight, we can take a step forward
in getting to know each other.

- But, of course, Mr. lawyer.
- A beautiful one.

To the table!

What a wonderful smell. You are
not a Marshal, you are a chef! Mu-ah!

Okay, take a seat.

- Give me your plates.
- Here is mine.

We eat well here, eh?

This comes right from the heart.

- Look, here you go.
- Ah, ha, ha.

Here, take this.

Come on, give me the plate.

- You come later.
- I come later, yes.

- Yes, yes.
- A wonderful fragrance, a fragrance.

- Here you go.
- I can do it.

Come on now. There is nothing like it.
Not even in Naples.

First the lawyer.
First the lawyer...

Wait, don't be impatient.

And now it's my turn, right?

Yes, I will get to you.
Let me do it. Let me do it.

How is it? How is it?

How is it done?
With the finger to say it is delicious.

How is it done? Ha ha.

- I think the food is getting cold.
- Okay, here you go.

- Uh, Marshal?
- You will come after a moment.

Have patience.

Hey, I'll set aside my dish...

- Here's my plate
- Give me your plate.

I am the only one left.

Things have to be
done slowly and well.

They say that he who serves others,
keeps the best part for himself.

- It's really good, Marshal.
- But this is my specialty.

- I made a mistake.
- You are always wrong.

When it comes to eating,
you don't understand anything.

Holy Madonna, I'm gonna
have a heart attack.

- What's in your pocket?
- Me?

Yes, in the pocket.

In the other pocket.
Is it cocaine, drugs?

No, it's just a script.
It's a script.

Let's see, give it to me.

"The Opium Road"

Ah!

- "The Opium Road".
- So.

My stoned dog read opium.

- The dog read opium?
- Yes, believe me.

- Ah!
- Look out!

- Here is to wishing all the best.
- Give some to the Marshal.

- Don't give any to the Marshal.
- Ah!

- Here, here.
- For the Marshal.

Everyone, everyone!

A toast, to your health!

Let's have a party like the ancient
Romans with an orgy and food.

Party like Romanians in Romania?

I speak of the Italian
Romans, Marshal.

Well, speak more clearly.

- A toast.
- A toast.

To your health!

Listen to how these people speak,
they speak like foreigners.

The doorbell.

- Who can be like that?
- Hold on.

Where are you going?
Sit down.

It could be a scoundrel with bad intentions
and you are going to go open the door?

- You go Marshal.
- I'm off duty.

- Okay, then.
- Then, you go, my love.

Sorry. You go open it, eh?

And if it's a criminal,
let me know.

Because I'm very good, Marshal...

I am capable of pulling out their teeth
and throwing them over my shoulder.

- Lots of noise and little action.
- And how would you know?

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

Is there something
I can help you with?

Yes, I would like to meet with
the blonde lady who lives here.

- Ah, yes, my sister.
- Oh...

What for?

The kiss, the kiss of life,
mouth to mouth respiration.

If it had not been
for that brave man,

I would not be here
today to tell the story.

- It would have been a great loss.
- One moment.

It was two years
that I was in Diredaua.

- Bon appetit,
- Why do you say that?

...daua. Anyone can say Diredaua.
It's child's play.

I said I was in Diredaua?

- And what's that?
- A city in Ethiopia, Africa.

Ah, I thought you belched Diredaua.

Hey, not today. Shut up.

It is the height of ignorance.

That man got his
fair compensation in life.

- He became an important political figure.
- Ah...

Ah, there she is.

Your Excellency, what a pleasure.
I didn't expect you so soon?

Go on, Angela. His Excellency,
Mr. Vincenzi is a new client.

I almost didn't recognize
you dressed like this.

And you have to understand that
we politicians are very visible,

so we need to disguise
ourselves a bit.

- I reserved you a room as you requested.
- Good, good...

Wait a minute,
I'll be right back.

I'll wait for you, don't worry,
waiting stimulates the appetite.

Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Ah!

You want to joke around,

but if you looked death
in the face as I did,

- Ah, ah...
- Dear lawyer...

Death in front of you...

Mr. Esposito, how about a happier story?

- Remove your hand!
- What story do you want to hear?

Is Little Red Riding Hood a happier story?

- Oh!
- What's the matter?

Don't you feel well?

- It's... It's...
- What?

He's the one!

- He's the one!
- What?

That's him!

The one that kissed me
on the mouth.

Your Excellence! Your Excellence!
Your Excellence!

- Who are you?
- You don't recognize me?

- No. Diredaua.
- daua?

No, Diredaua in Africa.
Pasquale Esposito.

- Yes. I remember. Yes, yes.
- Yes.

Now I remember, yes, that young
telegraph operator whose life I saved.

- Yes, yes!
- Do me a favor.

Quiet, I'm here incognito and
I don't want any scandal.

Yes, you remember me,
Pasquale Esposito.

You said get into the fire
and I got into the fire.

Please, quiet, I am here incognito
and I don't want any scandal.

Oh, yes. Of course.

There you go, Mr. lawyer.

This is that man who
kissed me on the mouth.

Congratulations, huh?
I'll leave you alone.

Maybe you two want to
resume the relationship, huh?

Wow! Ha ha ha.

- Your Excellency,
- I beg you, don't call me your Excellency.

- Your Excellency.
- Don't call me your Excellency,

Please. I'm here incognito.

How shall I put it?

It's okay, Your Excellency,
I won't talk to anyone.

Let me tell you that you
can always count on me.

- Good, good.
- I'll never forget that your kiss.

- Very well.
- Never, never.

But what are you doing
dressed like that? Hey?

I have come here to meet
with an emissary from the CIA.

Ah, the CIA.

Amazing. Drug trafficking.

I have Gennarino,
who is a real expert.

Now he's a little down,

because the vet isn't sure
what he has, but let's hope...

Your Excellency.
Your room is ready.

I'll come right away,
excuse me please.

- And I'm asking for some discretion, eh?
- Yes.

- Your Excellency?
- Huh?

Diredaua!

Ah! He doesn't remember anything.
What did I do, Your Excellency?

Please, Your Excellency.
I hope you like it.

Ah, please close the door.

That is.

We still haven't got around to
putting plaques on the doors yet.

Ah. The door doesn't matter.

Take this,

But, but,
you have to do way I say?

And... What do I have to do?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing,

You only have to let me
put a few signatures on you.

- On me?
- Yes, on you. On your skin.

Yes, you see, I sign dozens
of documents every day,

Which only satisfies the
greed of my great voters.

Ah, signing has
become a habit for me,

In, in a professional deformation,

I sign everything, miss.

My hand is always outstretched
in this gesture... like this.

And just, uh,
just with this gesture,

And I get joy from it, miss.
You understand?

Uh... pleasure.

It's an impulse that takes over me
and one that I no longer can control.

Uh.. It seems really strange to me,

I really don't understand it,
but if it makes you happy,

Uh... Do you like my marker?

- Yes Yes.
- It's sturdy, you know?

May I?

You can sign.

Do you like how I sign?
Hey?

Yes, yes, Your Excellence.

And now on your shoulder, eh?

May I?

You can sign.

Now I'll do the other one.
May I?

Uh, yes. You can sign.

And now, the breasts.

May I?

You can sign.

How beautiful.
Now the other one, huh? May I?

You can sign.

That's it. Now, now...

And now in the navel.

Tell me...

Sign, you scoundrel.

But, Your Excellence.

Tell me, sign, you scoundrel!

- Sign, you scoundrel.
- Oh.

Ah, that is ticklish.

And now... the thighs.

Now the legs, how beautiful they are,

They look like two big markers,

Bigger than mine is.

Bigger than my phallic marker.

- May I?
- You can sign.

- And now the other leg. May I?
- You can sign.

And now the buttocks.
The buttocks, the buttocks!

The buttocks.
Tell me, sign, you pig.

- But, what a thing to say.
- Say it, sign you pig.

Say it, oh...

- Sign you pig!
- Oh...

Tired?

Tired, yes.

But never satisfied... never!

When she comes in, she will get
a hammer from Florence...

- Oh shit!
- Dear, where are you?

Ah! Were you hiding from me?

No, no, nothing is hidden.

I thought you weren't coming anymore.

I'm sorry for making you wait.

What did he do to you?
Pretty girl.

No, nothing, the man next
door gave me an autograph...

- I see, yes.
- Right here.

- And another one here.
- Ah, here too, eh?

- And another one here.
- Ah, I see that.

- And here too.
- And another there,

- Mm, hmm.
- And there, eh? Let's have a quick look.

- And one here.
- Oh.

And here.

Listen here, big girl. It would be
better if you washed up, understand?

- You think?
- Come on, come on.

- Come with you?
- Come and I'll wash you,

I know how to do it. Come on.

Let's give you a good wash.

The rain is falling on Giorgia,

but it doesn't work
so well with a sponge.

- Damn it, how the water burns me.
- And how is it done?

With soap from Marseille,
I give the girl a good wash,

- You wash with soap from Marseille?
- I have to wash you a bit here.

- A little bit there.
- And here, here?

Yes, also there, also there,
a little bit more.

- A bit more here.
- Yes, there.

There it's better,
there it's better.

Hey, why don't you stay longer?

I will stay a lot longer... two weeks.

One week here, one there,

One here, one there, one here,
one there, one here, one there...

You sleep in the kitchen,
how many times shall I tell you?

You can't sleep in my room.

What's wrong with this dog,
don't make me go crazy.

I knew it, I knew this was going
to happen to me, understand?

I should have chosen
another animal, another dog.

Not you, you ugly, mangy dog.

I should have chosen
another animal.

What the hell!
There's a cow in the house.

- Ah, what a cow!
- What' that?

Oh, God?

Go on, go on. Join me
in a minute. Rotten luck.

Marshal,
are you the one who shouted?

Miss, I saw a cow walking
around the guesthouse.

A huge thing, sky blue,
all blonde with two horns,

A Swiss cow.

Could it be that you may be
drugged as well as your dog?

I belong to an anti-drug center.
I look for drugs.

That was a real cow
without a doubt...

Yes, it's okay, Marshal.

- Maybe you should go to your room.
- It will get your living room dirty.

But, what is happening?

And where did you go?

Hmm!

(Singing opera) Siegfried...

Siegfried...

Oh, God. Who is it?

Shut up! Shut up! Keep quiet, please.
Do not say a thing.

What the hell?
This is my room.

- Who is it?
- I'm the lawyer.

Fine, but that doesn't give you the
right to get into my bed. Excuse me.

- Go away.
- No, no. The bad thing is out there.

Please listen, I choose
the people I sign for...

and I don't like you, understand?
Go away.

But... But...
You don't know who she is,

I'm not even interested!
Get lost!

- Go, go, go.
- Yeah.

- Oh, oh!
- What are you doing. Ah, ah!

Useless people don't understand that I
can't do more than twelve signatures a day.

No, I can't.
No, I can't.

Hey, little boy, what
are you doing in here?

- Siegfried.....
- No... no!

Who is Siegfried?
Go away!

Who are you calling Siegfried?
Now go away! Go away!

You are Siegfried!

- No... Ha ha!
- You're mine.

No, no! I'm ticklish!

Ha ha ha...

- No, no, no, no, no!
- Take me in your arms.

- Ha ha ha.
- Ha ha ha.

Ha, ha, ha....

Mandelli, I'm here... come.

Let's see what state he is in.

A real professional.

Hello, Settebeni.

Come on, come on, let's go.

It is clear that you are not
in any condition to drive.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Um... well look, I thought I'd
take a little trip to Switzerland.

- Settebeni. Let me tell you something.
- Um.

Don't touch my balls, huh?

Look,
please do not touch upon that topic,

which is a delicate one for me.

- What if they convict me?
- No, no.

You'll see how everything will be fine.

Mm. Everything will be fine, huh?

I assume you've been studying up on
the case at the 'Paradise Guesthouse',

Yes, you are right, but...

I would have preferred
to have you in my place.

But, what's going on in there?

Dear Settebeni, you have no idea.

- Sodom and Gomorrah, do you understand?
- Oh yeah.

Try to imagine Sodom and Gomorrah!
Understand?

Oh, oh. The road!

- Well?
- Well, well, well.

- Ohh!
- Sorry, sorry.

They are two sisters, two
sisters alone, do you understand?

- Ooh!
- Sorry, sorry.

- Uh, two sisters you say?
- Yes, but you can't imagine it,

I get it, I get it.

One of two has some curves
and she is only 17 years old.

Excuse me for a moment...

If they catch you with a 17 year old girl,
lawyer, you'll go to jail. Wake up!

But I'd rather go to jail
for a matter like that,

than for cutting off a patient's balls.
Sorry, eh?

Um...

Calm down.
The Judge is coming,

and he will resolve
it for the best.

The Judge...

Oh, yes, yes, I remember,
very well. It's about that uh...

- Good morning, Mr. Judge.
- Mr. Judge.

Well,

I want to say something Mr. Lawyer,

First of all... was he
forced to have surgery?

Was there any coercion?

There has been no coercion,
but there has been castration.

You will speak when it's your turn.
Sit down.

You must understand that
my client, your Honor...

He has suffered a terrible impairment,

which has deprived him,
in a terrible way,

of the benefits of a healthy
and normal manhood.

That remains to be demonstrated, dear
colleague, and I hope that it isn't true,

Well, I imagine there will be...

medical reports
and expert opinions, no?

The best expert opinion
I can present, your honor,

is the desperation of this young wife,

That she has been deprived
of the joys of marriage.

She may be a young wife,

but from here she looks like a
jailer dressed as a woman.

She's lost her husband and has become
in a way, a type of white widow,

who will never have the pleasure
of a carnal intercourse with her husband.

Uh, please... Avoid any erotic
or lascivious phrases, Mr. Lawyer.

Record that in the minutes of this case.

Uh, does the accused admit to any crime?

- Uh, no, your honor.
- No.

I, in fact, had to operate on this man.

Appendicitis, your honor. I was supposed
to have my appendix to operated on.

You will all be silent.
Sit down.

Yes, a normal appendectomy,

However, in addition he required,
let's say something peculiar.

Ha! He cut off his balls, your honor.

Silence! Silence! Silence!

Who was it?
Who was the person?

Hey?

Ma'am, if you repeat that word again.
I will hold you in contempt of court.

Whoever says the word balls,
will immediately be arrested.

Carry on, doctor.

Ah, I want to make it clear,

that I considered it necessary
to relieve the patient,

also because there was a curious,
an anomalous connection between the...

With the genital apparatus
and the part that had to be cut.

Look at the evidence.

The truth is that you made a
mistake during the operation,

Doctor Settebeni,

And you must assume your responsibility.

You will have to demonstrate the
supposed impotence of your client.

But the only thing sufficient is
the testimony of this sweet bride,

Which has only been left with the
consolation of church and prayer,

Yes, in the company
of the parish priest.

Silence! Silence!

Your honor, what can I say?

- He is a man that no longer gets enthused.
- Ma'am!

He's like a weeping willow tree.

Ma'am!

But I didn't say any bad word.

Alright then, what are you alluding
to with the weeping willow.

His little bird.

Of course,
that bird doesn't sing anymore.

Silence! Silence!

I'll remove that person. I'll put that
person solitary confinement. Silence!

The fact that she can not
fulfill her conjugal duties,

doesn't seem to be sufficiently convincing.

Take a careful look at this lady.

Examine for yourself, your honor,
take a good look at her.

But, what are you trying to say?

Ask yourself for a moment
a very sincere question,

Although I know this will be
somewhat embarrassing to you,

If you were in
that poor man's shoes,

could you fulfill these
noted marital duties?

Eh, no, Eh?

Honestly, the Mrs. isn't
very attractive, eh?

I didn't do it only with her.
Do you think I'm an idiot?

I have also did it with
the milkman's daughter.

And without exaggerating,
she had big tits.

Silence! Silence!

Oh! You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Silence.

The milkman's daughter...

Enough, enough, enough!

Silence!

Silence! Silence! Silence...

Shut up! Silence!

The case is suspended.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

And have a good day,
your honor.

My compliments,
your honor.

With his daughter. Tomorrow,
the news will be all over Bologna,

that you were cheating on me.

You know, a little more of that,
and they would be in jail for 20 years.

You got really lucky...

Hello, Aunt Adela.

Yes, they told me that Uncle
Eduardo's trial went very well,

The Judge has suspended the case.

But his victory will not get
rid of his new nickname,

Everyone calls him
the ball cutter. Ha ha.

This is the last straw.
How disgusting.

Today, everyone only thinks about sex.

Yes, yes, Mr. Judge, you are right.
It's true.

Look...

"Snow White"

"Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs".

You're not going to ban this too,
are you?

Snow White is an innocent creature.

But her breasts are
practically hanging out!

And the dwarfs,
look how cute they are.

So small, so small...

Small, but with enormous
masculine attributes,

Which are not in proportion
to their height. Look...

Four centimeters bigger than the others,

It's true. How outrageous,
Mr. Judge, how exaggerated.

Come here.
Come here, come here, look...

"Sleeping Beauty of the Forest."

Here it is. Look, look how
the Prince Charming woke her up,

- But this act is benefiting her.
- De Petris!

- How dare you?
- No wait...

Excuse me, Mr. Judge.
Men will find it very distressing.

You know your right?
You know your right?

Everything, everything.

- We have to confiscate everything.
- Yes, Mr. Judge.

We cannot stop to rest.

There is always work to do.

As far as I'm concerned,

I'll have to investigate and
even clean up society at night.

- Even at night, Mr. Judge?
- Even at night.

We must defend modesty
at all hours.

- 'Paradise Guesthouse'...
- Ah...

I will go here personally,

I'll catch them red-handed.

Two sisters.
Two that love phalluses.

And what does that mean?

De Petris. The word is
phalluses, it's so clear.

Where women of the night
trade favors with their bodies.

Ahh... lovers of phalluses.
What you mean is whores.

De Petris!

How dare you? I will send them to
the islands to kill rats in the marshes.

To the mud from which they come,
to the mud, to the mud, De Petris.

Sorry.

- At ease.
- Thank you.

I'll be right back, dear.
Don't worry.

Ah, what a good idea,
I precisely needed these.

- It's for Horacio.
- Oh really?

I'm going to see that new
clinic they say is a huge deal.

You have always been
bad at business, fool.

You get too distracted. You
think one thing but do another.

Distracted. Don't say
things that are not true.

What's not true?

Who cut off that poor
bastard's testicles?

Ah, that was
a very rare case in surgery.

It will be the subject of
future study in the profession.

The patient had a...

I think you had your mind on
something else. You get too distracted.

- Dear, I don't want to discuss it.
- Hmm.

- Eduardo.
- Yes Dear.

You forgot to put on your pants.

Ah! I knew I had to do something!

It's just worries.
That's all.

You're getting worse every day, let's see
if you buy a garage instead of a clinic.

Do not put that face.

I dislike it more than you.

But what do you want me to do?

Unfortunately,

I have to go away,

until tomorrow.

Is it essential
that you leave, dear?

You know I'm afraid
to stay at home alone.

My dove,

I do it for the good
of everyone you know?

My life is a crusade.

Nicolas, how good you are.

They will sanctify you.

Hmm, no.

I recommend
that you lock yourself at home.

- Maybe tonight I will give you a call.
- No...

Um, Uh,
I won't answer the phone because,

what if it's one of those men
who call to say obscenities?

It's true. Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Don't answer the phone or anyone!

- No.
- See you tomorrow my love.

- Dear.
- Bye.

And please don't worry about me.

- No
- Distract yourself.

- Bye bye.
- Bye bye.

Darling.

Bye.

Bye.

Hello.

Is that you, Anselmo?

It's me, Rosaria.
Tell me everything.

My love.

This night, we will finally be
able to vent our insane passion,

and we can surrender
to sin unto the core.

I already am full of joy.

Great.

Are you sure
he is staying out all night?

Yes, of course it has to be
a solitary and quiet place.

Of course. You're right,
it could be very dangerous.

I have found a place,

Yes really... Don't worry.

There won't be a soul there.

It is a newly opened guesthouse,

They don't have any clients yet.

Don't worry yourself.

I'll call them right away.
We'll meet at the usual place,

Goodbye, My Love.
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

Very well then...

Imbecile.

What's going on?

Nothing, it was Bresci just telephoned.

He says he will come
to sleep here tonight.

Oh, that's great.

The lawyer is coming and also that
strange man who came last night,

Are you not happy?

Yes, but that imbecile
isn't coming alone.

Better yet.
Is he coming with a friend?

No, because he wants
a room with a single bed.

Why are you angry?

And why do you
call him an imbecile?

Forget it, Angela. You just
can't understand certain things.

- You are too naive.
- Oh?

The Marshal went to see the vet.
Tonight we're gonna eat alone.

Cuckoo. I'm here now.

- Ah, Lillino.
- Yes, beautiful.

- Hello.
- I not going to greet you.

I'm angry with you.

What's the matter?

What's the matter with me?

It is the talk of the town
all throughout Romagna.

Today during the performance of
Hamlet, during the monologue,

"To be, or not to be,
that is the question"...

Guess what someone yelled out?

They said, "There's no question
about it, you're a cuckold," to me.

And what does that mean?
What are they referring to?

It means that everyone comments,

that this guesthouse...
is a house of pleasure.

Where you have a rest?

No, where they fornicate.

What!?

What do you think is the truth,
Lillino?

Well, I neither believe
nor stop believing,

In short, tonight I'm
going to sleep here,

Because I want to touch
and see for myself.

Because if it's not true,
nothing will happen.

But if it's true...
I also want to fornicate.

Ahh.

- Aren't you going to eat?
- Eh, eh...

I'll go get it.

This spaghetti is good.
How is it made?

"Alla Puttanesca" like a whore!

I'm not surprised. Even the
pasta is a whore in this house.

So lawyer Mandelli has
given you the address?

Yes, he told me that he
felt very comfortable here,

But very good, good, good,
good, good. Very comfortable.

Everyone is happy here.

Yes, but I am referring to
a certain state of satisfaction...

of contentment. One can tell
without having to explain it.

- I have a good clinical eye, you know?
- How's that?

I understood this place
immediately because I'm a doctor.

I make a quick diagnosis
without any possible error.

Dark circles under the
eyes, a weak gaze,

slurred speech and a
state of mental fatigue,

That is, the typical
post coital symptomatology.

- Mm hmm.
- You understand me, right?

Ahh... of course.
You say you're a doctor...

- Doctor?
- Yes, yes, Dr. Settebeni,

But you can call me Eduardo,

I fully expect your discretion.

Oh course.

Have you had dinner or do
you want something to eat?

Honestly, I would prefer to go to
my room right away to get ready,

You know that I am clinically
against ingesting food,

that is to say,
eating food before action,

I think a little fasting enhances
performance. Wouldn't you agree?

Ah... yes, of course.
Please, this way.

- Have you had dinner?
- Yes.

- What have you eaten?
- Today, only one egg.

Ah, very good.
Eggs are ideal for energy.

- Can guess where he is going tonight?
- To get laid.

Yes, yes, ma'am.

Well, Miss Angela,
now I am also a client of yours.

- Does that make you happy?
- Ah, yes.

Are you sure you have enough
space with just one room? Mr. Bresci.

If you want two rooms, I'll give
them to you for the same price.

No, no, what a thing to say?

- Are you sure?
- Very sure, very sure, thank you.

Thank you Miss Angela,
thank you. Good night.

Ah....

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

Oh, I want tell you how terribly
sorry I am about last time.

Fine, just as long as it
doesn’t happen again.

Oh, no, no.

- Good evening, miss.
- Good evening.

- Good evening.
- You two have become inseparable.

No. It may seem that way, but I
happened to find him outside the door.

He has no relationship to me.

- Gosh!
- I'm only saying...

No one cares about us two...

- Hi, how are you?
- Hello.

- Is the room the same?
- Make yourself comfortable.

- Shall I go up?
- Go ahead.

Ah, Marshal.

Ah, mamma mia.

How is Gennarino?

The vet gave him an enema with
drugs to detoxify him, poor thing.

And now his colon hurts and
he doesn't want to walk.

Oh! Look who is here?
Your excellency. How are you?

Huh?

Good... evening... Good evening...
Excuse... me.

- Of course.
- Do I have the same room?

Yes, of course, go ahead.

- Thank you. I'll go right away.
- Good night.

That was the man who kissed
me on the mouth to revive me.

- That man?
- Yes, yes.

A handsome man, huh?

He used to have a mustache.
That was better.

It has quite a presence, elegant.

- Good evening, Marshal.
- Good evening, Miss.

Gennarino, shall we go to bed?

I can't take it anymore, my son.

Come on, I'll get into my pajamas
and then I'll put you to bed, come on.

Miss, please, can you
come here for a moment?

You are very charming, very seductive.

You see, I am a man of
the world, as they say,

and I know that a good
rule is to pay in advance.

My friend, the lawyer, told me
that the fee is fifty thousand.

- Here you go.
- So your are only staying one night.

Ah, but I'll be back. Yes, if
everything is agreeable, I'll be back.

Now, if you'll allow me, I would
like you to wear this. Here you go...

- What is it?
- A girl's Red Cross uniform,

My exclusive model, designed by me.
It's lovely, a fine fabric.

Why do I have to dress
as a red cross girl?

You should wear it to
get ready for surgery.

Don't worry, put it on and you'll
see that everything will be fine.

But I swear, aunt,

I saw it with my own eyes less
than a quarter of an hour ago.

Your uncle's car?
Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure, his car, his license plate,
right next to the 'Paradise Guesthouse',

which all of Bologna says is a brothel.

And he told me that he was
leaving Bologna to buy a clinic.

Well, this is your room.

It's not a much, because
we're just getting started.

Just starting, hey?

Mm... how is it going?

Hmm? How is it going?

Is there... movement?

Well, just enough to get by, but keep
in mind that there are only two of us.

- Two?
- Uh.

- Just two?
- Uh...

Yes, my sister and I.
We do everything.

Everything, ahem.

Let's get undressed.

Yes, get undressed,
like a real whore.

Come on, come on,

One moment Rosaria!

Let's undress at the same time!

Come on, that's it,

- Yes.
- Yes, like that.

Go on, slowly, slowly...

- Like this?
- Yes, tease me!

- Yes, yes.
- Like this?

Take it all off!

We have the whole night
to ourselves, my love.

At last my flesh will be yours,
after you stole my feelings.

Your flesh, yes, Rosaria.

Call me a slut!
Tell me I'm a whore!

- Tell me how indecent I am!
- Yes, yes!

Whore!

- Call me a dirty old man!
- Dirty old man!

- Dirty old man! Dirty old man!
- Dirty old man! Dirty old man!...

Piece of shit!

Yes, a piece of shit too!

No, no! You idiot!
My zipper is stuck!

Are you sure the Red
Cross girls dress like this?

No, not yet, but it's a
matter of time, you know?

Come, come here, that's it.

Come here, darling.
Sit down here.

And now,
give me a medical checkup.

Me, give you a checkup?

- Yes.
- Aren't you a doctor?

Yes, but it's the contrast that
makes me, me, me... Understand?

Come, listen to my respiration.
Listen to my respiration,

Ah, the respiration.

Eh, uh...

Well, you must not be very well
because your breathing is very labored.

- Is that so? Ah.
- Yes.

- Now take a look at my liver, please.
- Where is the liver?

The liver is here, here.

Here it is.
And here is the spleen.

Here is the gall bladder,

- and the ribs,
- I see.

And here's the heart. The heart,
with both hands. That's right.

- Make me say, thirty-three.
- What?

- Make me say thirty-three.
- I got it.

Um, say thirty-three.

Ah... thirty-three!

Now let me teach you
the tongue.

- The tongue?
- The tongue, Yes.

- Tell me to teach you the tongue.
- The tongue?

- Yes. The tongue.
- Ah.

- Let's see... teach me the tongue.
- Ahh...

- And now... the thermometer.
- But I don't have a thermometer.

It doesn't matter.
With your finger like this.

- Like what?
- With your finger, yes. Here. Ah...

God, how I feel good!

I'm good and bad at the
same time! You know?

It's like feeling good while I am not,
it's like feeling bad but good.

How, how bad I feel, but uh...

I don't know...like I'm,
like I'm in Paradise,

Like I'm floating.

There's the fat girl who hit me.

Huh! You again,
what do you want?

Ah, yes, well...
I'll explain later, understand?

I don't want you
to explain anything.

I beg you, go away.
Please respect my... private life.

Almost... almost...

Now harder.

- Give it a good pull.
- Ah! I can't get it open!

Rip it off!
I can't take it anymore!

How am I going to rip it off?
They are new pants, my best ones.

What matters most to you?
Your new pants or your Rosaria?

Get down, don't be a
degenerate, Gennarino,

Get out of bed. I don't want
you in the bed. Understand?

Go ahead. Get down.

Put this in your mouth.
Put this in your mouth!

Quit being crazy. Wait, I'll
put something nice on it. Wait.

Here you go.
Here you go.

Come on, you saw,
I put on some powder.

Come on, get down.

We can't both sleep here.

- Do you want some drugs?
- Oh!

I know you want drugs, but
I'm not going to give them to you.

Later. I'll let you sniff
them a little later, hmm?

Stop in the name of the law.

Where? Where?

Where? Where? Where?...

- Where is your lover?
- What lover?

It's just me
and my dog Gennarino here.

Ha ha... I am Judge Damiani.

And here we have talked
about vice... drugs... bed.

Oh, yes, of course,
I was talking to him.

If you'll allow me,
Mr. Judge.

Marshal Pascuale Esposito,
from the third anti-drug group.

So, who's taking drugs here?

Gennarino is an
anti-drug dog,

but now he is in the middle
of a detoxification therapy.

He is a brave dog, he has been
awarded the gold medal for dog valor.

One time he found drugs in a...

Don't let him hear us,
because he goes crazy.

He found drugs in a piece
"Caciocavallo" cheese.

He ate the "Caciocavallo", but the
drugs he found, he left those behind.

He is a unique dog in the world.
He is a true hero.

Sorry, sorry,
hold the bone for a moment.

Listen Gennarino. I have already
told you that I'm fed up.

Ah... Holy virgin Mary,
I thought it was a rattlesnake.

Angela, but what are you
doing dressed as Sandokan?

Oh!

Hey?

Ah...

Angela, you took a while to decide
and now you're in a hurry, eh?

You finally launched, right?

Do you want to do crazy things?

We will make love in a group,

There are only two of us but
we weigh the same as fifteen.

Damn!

I'm not trying to be rude to you,

but I want to be clear,
that aggressive people like you,

will not receive my autograph.

You have no right to imply
anything about me, in any case,

I could be the one
implying something.

What are you implying?

You, you, with Marshal Esposito
there in Diredaua kissing,

The two of you together!

This matter needs to be clarified!
Understand?

First of all, I will have that Marshal
immediately transferred to Africa,

and that applies
to that bitch of a dog.

What kind of place is this?

Is it an outpatient clinic for whores?

How dare you, ma'am?

Get out of the way.
Eduardo?

Where are you going?

Miss...

Miss Giorgia...

Miss, we have to that surgery.

Understand that I want to
be alone in peace in my room.

You have no idea
what's outside the door.

- Eduardo!
- What are you doing?

Don't try to disorient me,
don't distract me.

Eduardo!
I know you are here.

- Eduardo, show your face!
- Lady, where are you going?

Eduardo!

Do not hide.

I will find you.
It's useless to hide.

Eduardo! Eduardo!

Another one!

Settebeni,
what are you doing here?

I'll explain it later.
I heard my wife's voice,

She will cause a scandal,
there will be a massacre.

Repeat that.

I heard my wife's voice,
she will cause a scandal,

There will be a massacre.

What's that? A scandal? No, I
don't want a scandal, I forbid it.

You know where he is.
Tell me where Eduardo is?

Come here. Eduardo!

I know you're hiding here.

Eduardo!

She coming this way.
Hurry, the window.

No, not the window.
It's locked.

The door.
Where does this door go?

- It's locked.
- Let's try to get it open. Ow!

Let go of the handle.
You are smashing my finger!

Come on.

- Ah!
- Come on, violate me, come on.

At last.

Here I come!

- Ah!
- Ah!

- Doctor Settebeni!
- Ah!

- He's not here! He left. Who is it?
- It's me, Giorgia!

Oh doctor.
Your wife is in the house.

You have to hide yourselves.

- We have to hide!
- I don't want a scandal!

Mr. Judge, It's just my dog here?
No one is screwing here!

I beg you, follow me, follow me.

Where is he?
Where is my husband?

I know he is here!

Who are you?

Are you a ruffian?

I am Judge Damiani, ma'am.

So you are the ruffian?
It's you, I am sure.

Put aside your club!

I am Marshal Pascuale Esposito
of the anti-drug group.

That's great. I don't want
stories. Come with me.

- Where to?
- You have to go arrest my husband.

Let's find him. Go on.
We have to find him.

You slut. You could
have said you liked it.

- He must be here. It's dark.
- Stop, stop.

You can't see anything.

- Aha!
- Ah!

Caught in flagrant,
carnal, and perverse pleasure.

Oh God!

What's happening?

Where I am?

- Horseback riding.
- Ah!

- Lillino! Oh, I am so embarrassed!
- Huh?

Why did you do this to me? Why?

But Angela, who was
the one that attacked me?

Who has crushed me
and violated me?

Angela. She doesn't remember.
Perhaps it was a moment of amnesia.

But aren't you ashamed that you
cheated on your wife with this whore?

No, no, no, no, no, no way, this is not
my husband. Let's get out of here.

Are you sure
he's not your husband?

No, no, Mr. Judge, he is
the young lady's boyfriend.

I can attest to it.

- Formal partners?
- Yes, formal.

Shit! Of course we
are formal partners.

For five or six years, we
have been making love.

Let's go. Certain things
are done after marriage.

I know, Mr. Judge, but we are
theater actors. Understand?

And we wanted to do a
general rehearsal first.

And if it works out,
then we will get married.

Come on, come on, I don't want
my shameless husband to escape.

Come on, Mr. Judge.

- Without the lady, he will escape.
- Let's go.

And I assure you that
I will close this house,

It's a disgusting brothel.

Madam, be polite,

You are making a problems. After all,
we only had a little screw in our house.

In a brothel,

You are a brothel!

And you shut up, you whore.

Ahh!

- What the did you say?
- I called you a whore.

And if that's not enough...

- Oh!
- Oh!

Marshal...
let my nose be the guide.

If there is a room
where vice is hidden...

I can smell it
from a distance.

- I don't smell anything.
- Come on.

- Aha!
- Oh!

- There is an orgy in here!
- My husband!

- How about that?
- Mamma mia!

We have all kinds here...

The science, the politician.

No, no, no...

Mr. Judge, I am here as
legal representation.

You understand that I
am just his legal defense.

Mr. Judge, something has fallen out.

Ah yes, that is my wife.

Rosaria!

Hello.
I was just leaving.

- Ay ay ay!
- What do I have to do with it, ma'am?

Please don't be like that.

Son of a bitch!

Ma'am! Ah!
My balls. My balls!

What a scandal.
A ruined career.

Eh... Settebeni. You will
see that it will all work out.

I am ruined, understand?
She will find me, she will kill me...

We will have to use law 161...

I will always fight vice,

bad habits,

and sin.

- And my wife is a...
- A glutton.

- What?
- A glutton.

- A tramp?
- That's what I trying to say.

And what if nothing happened?

What?

In what sense, miss?
How can it be nothing?

Uh... we are the ones who have to decide
if something has happened or not.

Don't you think so?

- Yes, but... You don't know my wife.
- Ha...

Of course, if there were
any way to avoid the scandal,

for me it would be better.

At least we can try.

- Marshal Esposito.
- Present.

You make the first move.

You have to buy us some time.

Eduardo, I know you're here.

- Show yourself.
- Stop!

What do you mean, "stop"?

Control that dog. Ah!

Where are the drugs?

But what drugs? Ah!

Marshal Pascuale Esposito
of the anti-drug group.

If my dog is barking,
it means you are smuggling drugs.

Let me go.

Ah... Resistance to my authority.
That will cost you dearly, ma'am.

Listen, I have never
used drugs of any kind.

Oh, yeah?
Same old story...

Gennarino is never wrong,
although right now he is a little high.

- Let's see, where are they?
- Please, let me go!

- It's in your underwear!
- I am Adele Bazziconi,

an upright citizen,

and for having saved
a girl from the river Po,

They proclaimed me
heroine of the year!

Ah! Heroin! Drugs!
See, my dog is never wrong!

- Let me pass! Control that dog!
- Where are the drugs?

Ah!

Ah, look who's here.

What a good idea. What a nice surprise!
Here you go.

- Will you tell me what's happening?
- Yes.

Adele, I'll introduce you to our friends,

You know Judge Damiani, of course,

and his genteel wife,

Over there is our lawyer Mandelli.

How are you, ma'am?

The dear Miss Giorgia who
is the owner of the property,

And here is our anesthetist.

- How are you?
- And our future cardiologist.

I don't understand.

It's very simple, ma'am,

Dr. Settebeni made an excellent deal,

He bought this villa,
to transform it into a luxury clinic,

- He is an extraordinary man.
- What do you think, dear?

And the permission?

Who will give you permission?

Truly, this is something
that I can guarantee.

Ah, because you capable?

- Yes, it's not my first time, believe me.
- Ah.

Ma'am, let me give you
a drop of champagne.

- This is called arriving on time.
- Yes...

Just in time.

Well, folks.
Why don't we toast to it?

Yes, alrighty then.

But isn't it bad luck
to make a toast,

before the matter is concluded,
at least symbolically.

Symbolically, how?

The deposit, doctor. Hey?

Uh, that seems fair to me,
naturally. Excuse me.

But it seems to me
that it's fair to...

I only did this because of that kiss.

Well, now we're even. Hey?

Or not?

Fifty million.

Here is the deposit.

And now it's time for
that famous toast. Ha ha ha...

- To a long life...
- To a long life...

In short...

All is well that ends well.

Like in the plays
that Angela acts in.

Angela... She finally
got married to Lillino.

The guesthouse has been sold.

It hasn't been a great business,
but it has allowed us to pay all the debts.

And now we have gone to Puglia,

Where we are going to see the villa
that Lillino has finally inherited.

The one he has always talked about.

This is "Beethoven's Fifth."
Do you like it?

Look what a wonderful it is.

Twenty-four rooms. In each
room we will have a child.

How will you manage?

- Beautiful, huh?
- Uh huh.

Well, I don't think it's in great shape.

It needs some work.

- But, it's big...
- Eh.

It's as big a barracks.

Like a... Like a...

Like a...

- Like a guesthouse.
- Eh?

Like a guesthouse!

Ha ha ha...

Translated by Eduardo.
November, 2024.