All language subtitles for my_boys_s04e03_mike-fest

The great thing about having close
friends is that you get to celebrate

little milestones together. I would like
to propose a toast to me and my

upcoming birthday.

Happy birthday.

What is it? I will be turning 35.

Dude,

I think that officially makes you the
old man of the group. Not so fast.

here is 36.

35 and three quarters.

You don't look a day over 50. You don't
act a day over 12.

Old man, fight.

Old fan party.

Old fan party.

What's your plan for the big day, man?

Well, no one's ever thrown me a surprise
party, so I was thinking maybe you guys

could surprise me with that.

I can't see Mike here expecting it.
Don't sell him short. Mike could plan

own surprise party and still be
surprised.

No, no, I don't want to plan it.

I want you guys to take the ball and
kind of run with it. I'm thinking party

bus, beer kegs, paintball.

Go. We are not getting drunk at playing
paintball for your birthday.

I might as well just pre -dial nine and
one and get a head start.

Hey, you guys.

Hey. Okay.

You are never going to guess what I'm
doing tomorrow.

Going fishing. Driving to St. Louis.
Creating a beautiful glass menagerie.

having lunch with a very important
Hollywood producer.

Josh Hellman wants to turn my book,
You're a Great Guy But, into a movie. No

way. That's awesome.

That's amazing. How did that happen? My
agent sent it to him, and he really

liked it. And he's in town shooting this
movie with Vince Vaughn and Drew

Barrymore, so we're lunching.

What's the Vince Vaughn movie?

Dog trainers who fall in love at the dog
show, and it's called, um... Shih Tzu

Happens. Legal beagles.

That doesn't even make any sense, man.
Why would the dogs be lawyers?

I don't know. Shih Tzu Happens makes
sense.

Can I get you a drink, Doc?

Oh, hey, yeah, uh, red wine. Hey, you
know what? Let me get it.

Maybe if I suck up to you now, you'll
take me to the Oscars with you.

And, Kenny, I was wondering if you
wanted to come with me, because I don't

why I'm so nervous, but I could really
use the support. Yeah, absolutely. It'll

be fun. I may have to run a couple ideas
by myself.

Or just sit there and look cute.

All right, dude, enough with the
constant texting. Who is she?

Haley. She's a bartender over at Danny's
in Bucktown.

Long brown hair. So hot. Oh, good Lord.

She's got this panther tattoo that runs
down the entire right side of her body.

Hello, kitty.

You have no idea.

Do you think she has any hot friends who
might be interested in some drunken

whirlyball? Dude, we are not playing
whirlyball.

Beer pump?

No. Booze cruise? No.

Color me mine. Color me mine? Drunk? I
don't think you know what that is.

Oh, you know what would be great?

Bing bong. Hi, my name's Candy.

I'll be your plumber and I would like to
fix your leak.

Oh, what are you doing? That's like the
worst sexy stripper talk I've ever

heard. Hey, Bobby, we had a problem with
your credit card. It wouldn't go

through. Oh, that is... so weird. That's
the second time that's happened today.

Um, sorry. Here, let me give you some
cash.

Thank you.

That's weird.

Why don't you call them tomorrow? That
fraud protection thing turns my card off

all the time.

You better get that fixed by next
Friday, Robert.

When you surprise me with a bottle of
rumplemint, some go -karts, and a big

of daddy ball. No, you're not playing
daddy ball.

Oh, yeah.

I'll have a cup of decaf.

And we're going to split the chocolate
lava cake.

Are you serious?

That's amazing.

I haven't seen somebody order a dessert
in three years.

Wow. You guys do it right in Chicago.

Just go for it. Well, we walk a lot
here.

That's the cutest thing I've ever heard.

Walking. Could you imagine?

Here's the deal, Stephanie.

This book is amazing.

Great title, great characters, great
concept. And it's got that urban

sensibility that I find slamming.

Oh, thank you. My job is to take this
book that I love so much and turn it

a huge movie.

Ultimately, a franchise.

You're still a great guy.

You're a great girl.

You're great parents. I mean, stop me. I
could do this forever.

You're a great mayor. You're a great
vampire.

Right?

Oh, this is so exciting.

Yes, it is. But I'm not sure exactly
what that has to do with the book.

Hilarious. Hey!

Do you like Ryan Reynolds?

Sure. He's awesome.

And ripped.

I'm just saying.

You're just saying what?

I gotta go. I gotta take this call. It's
a nose call.

I'm not gonna take notes. I won't tell
Fox to kiss my ass.

You know what I'm saying, Doug? Kenny.
My man. Well, thank you so much for

lunch, Josh.

And it was really great meeting you.
Keep your schedule open next few days,

okay? Because we're gonna get together.
We're gonna close this deal.

Hi, you guys.

Hey, is everyone on?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm still in Chicago.

Yeah, I saw a guy in acid -wash jeans.

No, I'm not kidding.

Did you hear that?

What's wrong with acid -wash jeans?

God, I can't believe this is happening.

And who should play me? Because there
has to be a Stephanie character, right?

Halle Berry!

How crazy would that be? You're a great
guy, but starring Halle Berry.

I can totally see the poster.

Thank you.

Good thing my acid -washed jeans are
pleated.

Hey, B .J., so how are the plans for
Mike Fest coming?

Good, why?

Well, I had an idea, just in case you
needed one. Sure, what is it?

A day at Six Flags, some whirlyball,
dinner at Twin Anchors, followed by a

crawl through Lincoln Park and Lakeview.

Dude, just pick one thing for your
birthday, and we'll do it right.

Okay. Pub crawl.

Fine.

Unless you guys are going to surprise me
with a road trip to Champaign -Urbana.

We are not.

Fine. I'll call it a day.

But let's go out at 11, like we used to.

11? Yeah, we're way too old for that.

I'm not ashamed to go to bed at 11. If
I'm not in my pajamas by 11, something's

gone terribly wrong. All right, I say we
pick a more age -appropriate time to go

out, like, say, 8.

8? Come on.

I'm not turning 100.

You kind of are. If we go out at 8...

We'll hit more bars, increasing your
chance of finding the future Mrs.

Mike Callahan. Or at the very least,
your next incredibly awkward sexual

experience. Fine. 8 p .m. Friday night,
we meet at Crowley's.

Yeah, uh, Queen's the stoneture in town.

And Haley wants me to go with, so I have
to play this one by ear.

You can't play my birthday by ear.
You're either in or you're out. Dude,

tattoo. And if it wasn't my birthday, I
would high -five you. But!

You are super lame if you blow off Mike
Fest for some bartender chick. Yeah,

Brendan, there'll be other bartender
chicks. Come on. But he's old.

This could be his last birthday.

Mike, I have a little conflict, too. No,
no, don't do this to me, poopy. No, no,

no, that's the night that Josh is taking
me to dinner to close my movie deal.

Okay, now that's a good excuse.

Uh, panther tattoo?

No. A little bit? No.

I know it's Mike's birthday, but it
would be nice if you could meet me and

for a drink before dinner.

That's a good idea.

He and I didn't really hit it off.

What do you mean?

I mean, Josh is a tool bag.

I'm not, so... Wait, my Josh?

No, no, he's not. He was completely
charming.

Your Josh was kicking your ass because
he wants your book.

A book, I guarantee, by the way, he
didn't read.

Of course he read it. He said it was
great. He said it had a great title.

Look, look, look, I have a solution to
this. Do you want to bring Josh to the

pub crawl?

No, if he's a total tool bag, he should
not come on the pub crawl.

Dude, you're not coming to the pub
crawl. I'm playing it by ear.

What does that even mean?

I can't believe you're not being more
supportive.

I am supportive. I'm telling you, this
guy's going to ruin your book.

All right, fine.

I will go to dinner alone, and you can
just be that way. Oh, I'm going to be

that way, because being that way is
right. When he gets this way at work, I

him a granola bar, because sometimes
he's just hungry.

Hey, guys.

Hi. Sorry I'm late. You are not going to
believe what I've been dealing with.

What, sire? Buffalo Stampede.

Creating a beautiful glass menagerie.
See more than one play.

What happened, Bobby? Well, I haven't
gotten the full story yet, but according

to my brother, Jack, it sounds like my
dad invested our entire family fund

with Marvin Fisher.

Oh.

Marvin Fisher, the Ponzi scheme guy. The
$25 billion Ponzi scheme guy? Well,

that wasn't always his title. We
actually used to call him Uncle Marvin.

you're basically saying that the Newman
family fortune went... Yeah, but, you

know, there's a bunch of lawyers working
on it now, and the truth is, it's hard

to believe that that much money could
just disappear.

Are you okay? Is there anything we can
do?

I'm fine. I mean, all my accounts are
frozen, which is kind of crazy, but, you

know, I'm sure they're going to sort the
whole thing out.

Maybe we should just reschedule the pub
crawl. You know, Steph's got the dinner,

and Bobby's got a lot going on, and
Brendan's lame.

I know it's your birthday and all, dude,
but it's not like it's a big one.

Actually, Brendan, it kind of is.

I know I've been a little vague about my
age before, but the truth of the matter

is that I'm not turning 35.

I am turning 40.

What?

In your face.

40. 35 and three quarters.

40.

You know what I want for my birthday?

Just for one day, I would like you to be
nice to me. How about I get you a hip

replacement and a bucket of fiber?

Old man fight!

Old man fight!

You cannot play whirlyball on your 40th
birthday.

You'll die!

I never thought I'd live this long.

Here's the deal with the pub crawl.

We order a drink, we drink it, we move
on. We do not get comfortable in any one

location because I have a list of about
24 bars here that are... Four bars.

Four bars? Four.

Come on.

It's a pub crawl.

Hi, I'm Mike. Hi, Mike.

Yeah, I tried to drink at 24 bars on my
birthday and my liver shut down

somewhere between Fullerton and Belmont.

Hey, guys.

Hey!

Well, there's a surprise. Look who
decided to show up for my 40th.

Well, I mean, what's more important,
man? Your birthday or some hot bartender

chick, right?

That's what I'm talking about.

You ready? Hell yeah.

Let's put those drinking helmets on.

Popcorn! Woo -hoo!

Well? Oh, I'm going to hook up with her
later.

Dude, she's the worst.

Oh, come on, PJ. She's got this tattoo.
I don't want to hear it. She's really

good. No, seriously.

Don't say it. Dude, I will punch you.

I'm so sorry.

Okay. Dog movies become a zit on my ass.

We gotta find our lead.

You know how hard it is to find a
purebred French bulldog in this city?

funny.

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry.

Now you.

You, you.

You and your amazing book.

Are we doing this? Are we getting into
bed together? And I don't mean for that.

I mean to make a lot of money.

Well, Josh, I am so excited. Aw. I am.
And I had this idea that maybe Zoe

Saldana could play the lead.

You know, she was in Guess Who and
Avatar.

Yeah, no, I know who she is, yeah.

Uh, not for this.

No.

This is Sandy Bullock.

This is... You're a great guy, but I'm
too crazy to see it until it's too late.

And so I get a job as a caterer, and I
mess up your wedding.

Laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh. The
end. Ka -ching.

But shouldn't it be a movie about a
woman who finds the courage and the

to leave a lousy situation? I mean, that
is the premise of the book.

Uh, I'm making a comedy, and you just
pitched me a Hilary Swank film, so...

You know, I've been to Sundance, and
it's very cold.

Josh, can I ask you something?

Yeah.

Did you even read the book?

I guess I don't.

Uh, I'm not sure what kind of question
that is. I don't understand the

It's just that based on what you said,
it doesn't seem like you actually read

book. Time out here.

Let's get real real, okay?

Okay. You've done your job. You wrote a
book with a great title.

Now, let Daddy take it. Make it into
something.

And then you and Doug, you can walk down
a red carpet.

You know?

Oh, oh.

Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie, big
smile, big smile. Stephanie, Stephanie,

Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie.

You're welcome.

I'm going to have to leave Belden Tap. I
love that place.

You know the rules, Captain. You don't
get too emotionally attached to any one

place because you are playing the field.
You know what, guys? This is my

brother. Excuse me, one second.

Oh, man, poor Bobby. Can you imagine
trying to sort through such a huge

financial mess?

Actually, I can. I run a business with
Rip Van Winkle.

Okay.

Find you some almonds. What do you know?

Time sure flies when you're having fun.

Brando, don't do it. Hey, dude, pub
crawl, awesome.

Did you make this an annual event?

Wait, where are you going? We've only
gone to two bars.

Happy birthday, buddy.

You are so lame.

How can you do that? How can he do that?

Dude, panther tattoo.

You guys, I'm so sorry to do this, but
we need to make an emergency stop at my

apartment, like, right now.

Evidently, the feds are seizing all our
assets, and they're coming to pick

everything up.

Another great thing about having a big
group of friends is that you can turn to

your team when things go south. All
right, what's the plan?

Um, okay, Mike, you look for valuables.
Bobby, let's grab important photos and

document. Kenny, there is a 40 -year
-old bottle of Laphroaig in the pantry.

Some things get better with age. And
some things don't.

Seriously, Mike, take anything you want.
Consider it an early birthday gift.

Who's that?

Cornelius Newman, my grandfather.

He's very clean.

I want this.

Go ahead, man, knock yourself out. That
is your birthday present.

All right, Grandpa.

Let's go. You're coming with me.

Hey, I'm just assuming we should take
all these files. Oh, you know what? We

should grab those photos.

Oh, Dad.

This was really, really dumb.

This can all still get worked out,
right?

No, it's definitely over.

I am so sorry.

It's the weirdest feeling.

I mean, it's hard to wrap your brain
around losing all of your money.

Everything.

I mean, it doesn't even feel real.

I don't know what to say.

There's nothing to say except... You do.

Corny, you could stand to lose a few
pounds.

Is this the Newman residence?

Yeah. We're here to seize your assets.

Hey, Bobby, there's two... Wait a
minute.

Wait a minute.

I can't believe you guys concocted all
of this for the... I'm the birthday boy.

I'm sorry, sir. You're going to have to
step back. What are you going to do?

Arrest me? You're already seizing my
assets.

Mike, what are you doing?

Dude, you are... Awesome.

Watch this. I'm about to get searched.

Frisk me. Okay. Frisk me. Sir, you need
to stop right there. Why? Because I

might have a concealed weapon.

This

is

the weirdest night of my life.

Man, I was not drunk enough for a tase.

I've never heard you make a sound like
that before.

I don't ever want to hear it again.

Well. Better me than Robert.

Yeah, I wasn't really in danger of being
tased, Mike. On the plus side, I always

wondered what a good solid tase would
feel like, and now I know.

I only peed a drop.

Welcome to your 40s.

Hey, I don't know about you guys, but I
could really use a drink or three.

You want to head to Crowley's for one
last round?

Are you sure you're up for it?

Yeah. Oh, I don't know, man.

I'm sore.

I can't feel my feet, and the inside of
my mouth tastes like sulfur.

Am I the only one who's surprised
tonight was Mike's first tase?

You guys, let's just have one drink and
then call it a night, huh? Yeah, for

sure. Absolutely.

Surprise!

I can't believe you threw me a surprise
party! Oh, this is amazing!

Ah, you guys rock! Thank you!

You totally got me! Happy birthday!

Thank you.

You!

Let's touch them.

Come on.

That's all I wanted. A little bit of
sugar.

Dude, I think you peed more than just a
drop.

Maybe a little. You. Me.

Boop. Hey, who wants a drink?

Huh? Because they're buying.

Let's do it.

Yay.

Did we do all this?

Maybe. It was tough, though. You're like
that annoying kid who tears through the

house before Christmas looking for
presents.

Creepy bathroom in the basement. Check.

Found him every time. Happy birthday,
Mike. Thank you. Hey, you guys. Hey,

birthday, Mike. Hey, thank you, creepy.
Mwah.

You?

I hate you. What'd I do now?

You were right.

Josh turned out to be a giant tool box.

Bag. Well, he was both then.

It was totally clear he didn't read my
book.

And he was definitely going to ruin it.

So the deal is off.

I'm really sorry, Steph.

I told Josh I wasn't going to let him
turn your great guy butt into some

movie. Wow.

Good for you.

I'm sure he took that well. He suddenly
became the Josh.

No one says no to the Josh.

The Josh is going to bury you.

And then the Josh called me girlfriend.

I wouldn't call you that. You are my
girlfriend.

Hey.

Well, well, well, look at the panther
dragged in. I'm so sorry for bailing on

you. All right, I thought it was way out
of line. Keep talking. The combination

of beer and cake has put me in a very
charitable mood. Well, you know, I was

the show and I'm thinking, hey, what the
hell am I doing? What am I doing? This

isn't right.

So I completely blew off Haley. Hey,
thanks a lot, man. That means a lot to

You got it.

Bring it in. There you go, pal. Happy
birthday.

I'm going to pass out cake.

Who wants cake?

Get your own.

So she bailed on you, didn't she?

Yeah, yeah. She's sleeping with one of
the guys in the band.

Just didn't want to go to the show
alone.

Surprise, surprise.

Such an idiot.

Brando, come on, dude. I mean...

A giant panther tattoo doesn't exactly
scream, hey, I'm completely stable.

We're like, ooh, hepatitis C.

Hey, everybody, a toast to Mike.

To old man Callahan.

Even though he chases kids off his lawn.

And eats dinner at 5 p .m. And cuts out
articles he thinks we'll all find

interesting. And is a member of the
greatest generation.

We still love him.

Cheers.

Hey, you guys ready to roll?

Uh, yeah, let me close my tab out. Cool.

Hey, how you doing? You okay?

Yeah, yeah, you know, a little numb,
broke, homeless.

On that note, actually, can I spend the
night at your place?

Gosh, numb, broke, and homeless. Now
that's a sexy combo.

Absolutely. Actually, I might need to
spend the next few weeks at your place.

Is that cool?

Of course.

Hey, look, I know what you're going
through must be just terrible.

But you got to look on the bright side,
you know?

At least you're not 40.

Thank God.

Hit it?

Yeah. It's good to have close friends to
share life surprises with.

Because no matter how much you prepare
for them or even ask for them, they can

still sneak up on you.

Happy birthday, buddy.

Right behind you.

All right, let me cash out here with
Matt. No way, Mike. This one's on the

house.

Thank you.

Hey, nice picture.

43, huh?

Happy birthday.

Thank you.