All language subtitles for my_boys_s03e05_carpe_burritoem

Everyone has that friend who doesn't
necessarily know what's best for

Mine's Brendan.

Hey, what's up, guys?

I might have put this here. Came with my
new scooter.

What about a scooter?

In the middle of winter.

Dude, tell me about it. Way too cold to
be walking everywhere.

Bren, I don't think that's such a good
idea. Why?

Because you on a scooter is a recipe for
disaster.

Do you even know how to ride that thing?

It's a scooter, man. It's like a bike
with no pedals. What's the no? I think

more than that.

You guys are worrying for nothing, man.
I'm going to be fine.

Oh, if I had a dollar for every time I
watched you make a stupid decision.

How much would you have?

Enough to buy that scooter off him
before he ends up like Gary Busey.

All right, I gotta go. Gotta practice
with the band before our first gig.

Hey, all right, you guys already got a
gig?

Yeah, at Brendan's joint. Technically,
it's not a gig. It's an open mic night.

I'll get you guys flyers. We're working
on a name, but right now we are leaning

towards the Kenny Mortori band.

It's catchy. Yeah, at least for the
first gig.

Open mic night.

Problem is, we lost our bass players, so
right now we're really scrambling.

Oh, Andy, didn't you used to play bass?
I did indeed. In high school, I was in a

band called Skank.

Hey, you know, we're seeing people
tonight. I mean, maybe you should come

audition. I was in Skank.

I don't audition.

You know what?

Honestly, we can't be choosy anyways.
We've got a gig in four days. Open mic

night. Andy, you're in.

Let's gank out of here. Hey, one favor.
I can't fit the drums in my car, so I'm

going to have to borrow Meredith's
minivan on the night of the gig. It's

gig!

I've been searching everywhere for you
guys.

Everywhere?

Well, here.

I searched here first.

Okay, well, listen, you guys.

I am running a You're a Great Guy But...
seminar tomorrow, and I need a favor.

You run seminars now? My agents created
a whole industry off of this book.

Women bring their girlfriends that are
in bad relationships, and I empower them

to break up with the jerks in their
lives.

Turns out women pay a lot of money to
sit in a hotel room and get advice from

Stephanie. Women will take advice from
anyone serving them a little cheese and

lot of wine.

But I'm short a dumping dummy.

Dumping dummy?

I need a man to be a dummy for the women
to practice their breakup speeches.

Obligatory joke about Mike being a
dummy. Obligatory joke about Mike being

Oh, that's just lazy, guys.

I blanked. Andy's not here. He usually
does those.

Will one of you guys help me?

Oh, no, no, not me. I just recently
endured a real breakup speech, and I've

my fill. You know what, Mike? This might
be just the thing for you. You know, a

room full of women about to be...

Single?

Facing the long, dark tunnel of
loneliness, desperate to find someone

And they're buzzed on wine, you say?

Fish in a barrel?

Meet Sexy Mike!

Run,

fish, run!

Sometimes, when you see a friend acting
against his best interest, you feel like

you need to intervene.

And... Turns out driving the scooter's
hard.

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Yeah.

Oh, you are hurt.

No, no, no, no, no. Dr. Brando thinks
it's just a sprain. The doctor in your

head? Yeah, yeah. I mean, he does want
me to reinforce the drugstore bandage,

but do we have any duct tape?

$13.

For duct tape? No, Kenny has asked me to
keep track of all your bad decisions,

and I would be up to $13 after last
night's shot of kiwi schnapps. You

think you would have made 13 better
decisions than me? Absolutely.

No to that scooter. No to the blue
socks.

No to the third bowl of pretzels.

No to the homemade toothpaste.

Hey, that's just baking soda and egg
whites. Oh, and at least refrigerate it.

Good point.

You know, sometimes I wish I had a
little PJ.

You know, one that I could take with me,
sort of help guide me in the right

direction. Would I sit on your shoulder?
Could I have wings?

Oh, little PJ.

She'd be stern, but fair.

Oh, you know what could be a fun
experiment?

Let me make all of your decisions just
for one week, and we'll see if your life

is better or worse.

Interesting idea.

You might want to agree before you eat
the three -week -old yogurt.

Come on, I'm sure it's fine.

$14. All right.

Deal.

Brandon, I'll never see you wear V -neck
sweaters.

They look good.

It's all thanks to PJ. She's been
pulling out stuff I should wear more

Wait a minute. PJ's dressing you now?
Brendan has given all of his decision

-making rights over to me for a week.
Careful.

I did that with Meredith. Never got him
back. Yeah, well, I gotta say, so far,

it's working out pretty great, man. I
mean, she got me to go to a real doctor.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. A microwave burrito?
What's going on?

I'm hungry.

Play some poker. You'll order something
healthy later.

Ooh. What am I having?

You were thinking some chicken and
salad.

Mmm.

Thanks, little PJ.

What are you doing to little me?

Batter on the back. Oh.

So, uh, what's gonna happen to that
burrito?

Come to daddy.

Rendon, I was wondering if the Kinney
Moratory Bank could get a quick practice

session in at the bar before the gig.

Open mic night and no.

I think what you mean is I think I can
find an hour for you, whatever I can do

to help a friend.

I think we can carve some time out for
you tomorrow afternoon, pal.

Yeah, I can only rehearse during lunch.
That is, as long as I can eat during

rehearsal. Uh, that's not ideal. The way
I figured is the band's going to need

at least 20 hours a week rehearsal if we
want to get to the next level. What

level is that?

You know, writing, recording an album,
summer tour, maybe with Wilco.

20 hours?

It seems a little much, Kenny. Well, if
you want to get to the next level...

When you say next level, that kind of
implies we're on some sort of level.

But we're not.

We're nothing.

Uh -oh.

I'm not feeling well.

That burrito hasn't played in a while.

All right, burrito. Let's go work this
out in private.

See? That could have been you.

It's just that Ethan has no time for me
anymore.

It's all about his career.

Well, often the thing that initially
attracted you to a person is the thing

wind up not being able to stand.

That's true.

I liked him because he was so driven,
but it turns out he's just selfish.

Time for you to break up with Ethan.

Now, sometimes saying the words is hard.

Mike is here to help you practice.

Go ahead.

Ethan.

You're a great guy, but we're through.

Yeah,

that was great.

I think you should pack and get out.

You're just no good.

I'm no good.

Everyone knows you're a pig. I think you
should pack and get out. And then hit

me. And the way you love your mama is
sick. Totally sick. Feels like you're in

love with yourself more than me.

No, it's hard. I mean, when you got a
body like this, how can you not love it?

Be serious. I am serious. Come on,
ladies. You know it. You see it.

Thoroughbred. I got to run.

You can't keep me in the paddock, lady.
I got to get out in that grass and start

dancing. All right.

All right. Time for a break.

Having a good time?

Oh, a blast.

I haven't had this kind of self -esteem
boost since I threw up on myself in

sixth grade.

You're really funny, Mike. Oh, thanks.

You know, my ex -boyfriend was so
serious.

Are you here to break up with me slash
him later? No, no, no. I'm just here

a friend.

She's the one who called you a pig.

Oh, yeah.

She was nice.

I don't understand.

What's happening? Where are you calling
me from?

We're done, Ethan.

I'm breaking up with you.

So, uh, are you busy later, or do you
want to, uh, practice getting a nightcap

with a guy?

A lot of standing around today, huh?

Aren't you glad I chose the more
comfortable shoes?

Oh, not only that, but the baby powder?

Oh, no.

Hey.

All right, great.

We're all here.

Before we get started, quick band
meeting.

All right, but I only have... I've been
thinking. Our set list, it's a little

small. Well, we only have the stage for
ten minutes. I think what's most

important is that we be generating
original material as quick as possible.

want everybody here to write five songs
this week.

Okay. Let's all come in tomorrow with
ten possible names for our first out.

Shouldn't we be practicing?

That's a good idea.

Let's get back in tune.

Yeah, I gotta go. I got a deposition
starting in 20 minutes. Good luck, man.

last one did not go well.

Here's my card. I'm a lawyer.

Hey, you mind if I leave some flyers for
my band?

Not at all.

You're a downward spiral, huh?

Mm -hmm.

I'm Brendan.

I'm the manager here.

Amazing.

My psychics agreed that I was going to
meet an R and an M.

Brendan.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Yeah.

We're supposed to spend multiple
lifetimes together.

Should we get started?

Yes, we should.

You know, maybe you guys could play here
sometime.

Yeah, that'd be wicked.

All right, I'm going to go.

But do you know where I can find
absinthe to throw away?

All right, I'll figure it out.

So I'll see you soon.

No, no, no, no. Yes.

No, no, no, no.

Oh, yeah.

This chick is wicked.

Wicked? Like Boston wicked or like witch
wicked? Who cares?

Dude, I checked out her band's website
last night. Let me tell you, I liked

I saw.

Yeah. Downward Spiral is the next big
thing?

Oh, no, no. Dude, the band kind of
sucks, but Gwendolyn?

Playing bass is a thing to be... Oh, can
it. Here comes PJ.

Uh, you know, I think... I think the
Cubs would do themselves a big favor by

picking up a true left -hander. Yeah.

You're talking about that crazy rocker
chick you met, aren't you? She's a

slash bassist. She's psycho slash crazy.

Psycho slash crazy with Gang's first
name.

So what'd you do, Brendan?

Nothing. Oh.

Brando?

What did you do? I invited her to
Crowley's tonight. What about her deal?

Little PJ said it was okay.

Uh -uh. Didn't you? Yeah.

Can't you hear her?

I can.

Gwendolyn, she's an accident waiting to
happen. No, she's a microwave burrito

driving a scooter in Luthor. Hey, for
your information, Mike said that burrito

was delicious.

And I got another one on the way home.

That one really did me in. Hey, speaking
of mistakes, how was it being an

emotional tackling dummy?

Great. I actually hooked up with this
really cool woman. Wow. The dummy

back. Yeah. We went out after, and she
thinks I'm funny.

Yeah. Who knew that being funny was
going to be my in with the ladies?

She thinks you're funny? She thinks I'm
hilarious.

Actually, last night, I busted out my
koala bear doing the Rubik's Cube, which

you guys never really appreciated.

Is that what that is? I always thought
it was a squirrel, like, opening mail.

You see, that's not funny.

Anyway, she likes me so much that we're
going out to dinner with her friends. So

it looks like I'm taking the show on the
road.

Andy, why didn't you show up for the
photo shoot?

That was for real?

Yeah, it was for real. I only rented
that merry -go -round for an hour, you

know. Why are we shooting the album
cover before we've even had our first

Open mic night.

Exactly. Hey, I'm taking this band very
seriously.

I think you're taking it a little bit
too seriously.

Like, stop calling my wife to find out
if I rehearse.

It's weird.

I gotta say, I'm starting to question
your commitment to the band.

There's no question. The Kenny Moratoria
Band is fifth.

After kids, wife, jobs, sleeping,
eating, and drinking.

Drinking, six, seven, online scrabble.
Anyway, I gotta get out of here.

I have a wrongful discharge case in the
morning.

My wrongful discharges are usually in
the morning as well.

It's just us, buddy. You don't have to
be on.

Here, I'll give you a ride back to the
20s.

Hello.

Oh, is that the witch?

No.

That's all right. I'm just going to buy
her a beer and talk music.

Meet me in Tulsa. I'll be there by
morning.

It'll be worth it.

Tulsa? That's one long scooter ride.

Dude, you are not seriously considering
that.

Oh, come on, PJ. I haven't had any
girlfriend in a really long time.

Girlfriend? That's what you call it? I'm
just saying I haven't been on a date in

months. I'm not saying don't date. I'm
saying don't date.

That.

You haven't exercised in a while, right?
Don't sign up for a triathlon. You do a

little stretching first. I don't want
you to hurt yourself.

You're right. You're right. You're
right.

Who needs? Yes, please. Yeah?

What is that look?

Oh, I know that look.

I do, too.

And I don't like it.

We're not getting our beer, are we?

believe you me i never picked up the
violin again mike i mean you kill me

hey mike these are my dear friends this
is jill and this is todd hey nice to

meet you robin i'm so sorry we're late
there was an emergency at the hospital

what happened did you lose your patience
what patience did you lose your not

patience but patience

What happened?

A school bus crashed.

Colonial Williamsburg is amazing.

You know, Todd's such a history buff.

They were building a cannon using 18th
century... I love that you have a

Bluetooth earpiece on in this one.

The British are coming. One if by land,
two if by the information superhighway.

Come on, Todd, let it out. It's okay to
laugh.

Who ordered the tax and tip?

Hey -oh!

Uh -oh, somebody broke a window.

Booyah!

You should work on a design for the
bandana.

I need you to run over to the Army
surplus store in Belmont and pick up a

Hang on a second.

We need to talk.

Yeah, I...

I kind of need to talk to you, too,
Kenny. Okay, let me start.

Getting a band's chemistry just right
can be a tricky thing, Andy. I

agree. And I like you, but I don't want
our differences about the band to get in

the way of our friendship.

I'm so glad to hear you feel that way. I
was completely dreading this.

I've already talked to the rest of the
band, and we all agree we should

go on without you.

I'm sorry, what now?

Well, the guys and I are having fun
playing music, and you're a little

You're messing with the vibe.

To be clear, you're kicking me, Kenny
Moritore, out of

the Kenny Moritore band.

We still want you to come to the show,
you know, comps.

Hey, guys.

I need your help.

Brendan was supposed to be my dummy for
my seminar tonight, and I found out that

he's gone.

I need a man.

Whoa, no, no. Sorry, Seth. Robin's
calling me later, and I gotta be a man

her tonight.

Bobby, why don't you fill in?

Uh, well, I don't want to miss the Kenny
Mortatory Band. It's their first gig.

Open mic night.

It hasn't even rehearsed yet. Come on.
And it's Kenny.

I mean, how good can it be?

Don't worry. He'll do it.

Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I think you got me confused with Brando,
Peach. See, I'm not the guy that you

get to make all the decisions for. I'm
sorry.

Of course you're not.

I'll see you at eight.

Okay.

What just happened?

You just don't take anything seriously,
and it's become a problem.

I mean, I think you're funny, but you're
always on, you know?

It's tiring, Mike.

Oh.

That's really good, Robin. Really good.

Okay, time to end it for real now.

Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm
so sorry. There's another sign.

Hey, hello.

Hey, Robin.

Hey, I can barely hear you. What's with
the echo? Hang on, Mike. It's a trap.

You're a great guy, but everything's not
a joke. You're never serious.

It's over, Mike.

Oh, Kenny.

Sucks I kicked you out of the band right
before your first gay.

Eh, it's just an open mic night.

Besides, Brendan wasn't even there. You
know what? I'm fine with it. In fact,

maybe what I'll do is I'll start the
Andy Franklin band and I'll see how he

likes it.

At least you didn't get dumped over the
phone in front of a room full of

strangers. And me. I was there.

I thought it was going so well. Why did
she end it? I don't know.

I guess I was too funny for her.

Buddy, I hate to split hairs, but...
What?

What happened to you?

Dude, that girl is insane.

We partied in the quarry.

We had sex in a nursing home.

I got pushed in a river. We broke into a
zoo.

I had to take a bus home, man. Somehow
she got me on the no -fly list.

Tulsa has a river?

Oh, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I smell kind of weird.

Apparently, when Gwen breaks up with
you, she's got to douse you with turtle

urine. Something about cleansing the
spirit guides or something.

Dude, that's rough.

I don't know.

No regrets, man.

Might have been the greatest two days of
my life.

Dude, you almost died.

Twice. Yeah, what a rush.

So worth it.

Here's the sex in the zoo.

Yeah. You can only do so much to protect
someone from themselves.

I can show Brendan the dangers.

But in the end... Sorry, Peach.

Sometimes you gotta just eat the
burrito. Oh, speaking of that, I am

Who's up for an awful burger?

What's an awful burger? Double
cheeseburger, grilled onions, smothered

On a bed of twice deep fried hash browns
with a fried egg on top.

Not on the menu. You gotta order a
special.

Who's in?

BJ?

All right, what the hell?

Cool, because if a chick orders it, we
get half off.

Oh, the things that girl could do with a
wheelchair.

Wheelchair?