All language subtitles for Some Mothers Do Ave Em s03e06 Australia House

He who...

Harry's hoop is hanging in the hole.

Don't force it now. You're breathing it
too shallow. You must fill your lungs

properly. You should be able to
extinguish the candle without straining.

dear, it went on again now. Then try
again.

Harry's hoop is hanging in the hole.

Harry's hoop...

Not... I sniff, shop, snuff.

Do you sniff, shop, snuff?

I snuff, snuff, shop.

Do you snuff, shop, snuff?

More slowly.

Think before you speak.

More slowly.

Think before you speak.

Repeat it. I'm telling you.

You were supposed to practice these. I
have been practicing. I've been

and fizzling all weekend.

Fizzling? Fizzling.

Well, I got some of them right.

I smell seashells on the seashores.

I saw seashells.

I saw the sunshine shine.

Seashell shoes in a sheet.

I've got a bit of coke in the cold
school shuttle.

Mr. Spencer, that is enough.

I'm still not at all clear why you want
to take elocution lessons just because

your grandfather wants you to go to
Australia.

Well, he also wants me to take the
flying lessons, so I should be mixing

lot of upper -crust people and hobnobs.

Therefore, if I meet any XRF moustaches,
I want to be verbally excruciating.

Well, I think we'd better have another
look at your diphthongs.

Pardon?

A diphthong is a double vowel.

Ah. Eh?

I said, ah.

Eh, as in hey.

Eh, as in hey.

Oi, as in toy.

Oh, Mr Spencer, really, you must try to
be more relaxed.

It's so important for good speaking.

And that's another thing. I notice you
have a tendency to hum.

Well, I did a bit of gardening this
morning.

Not that sort of hum. I mean, hum.

Don't keep making that noise.

Try not to punctuate all your speech
with meaningless words and sounds.

Try to say a simple sentence without
using hmm, I mean, oh, I see,

well, or using a nervous laugh.

Hmm. I mean.

We can go this morning.

Well, same time next week, then.

Mr Spencer, I really do think it would
be better if you found yourself another

teacher. After all, I do have my health
to consider.

was going to be before I got in here,
did I?

If I'd said what I was and you were
somewhere else, then I wouldn't have

there in the first place. And I wouldn't
have come in here and you wouldn't have

been there today.

All right, all right, that's enough.

Have you seen Grandpa?

Yes. He's upstairs teaching the dog how
to walk.

All right, there's no need to be silly.

Making our Columbo simple.

He knows as much as I do.

Oh, bless him.

It's the little things he does.

Yes, I've seen the little things he
does.

Frank, you spoil that dog.

And what have you been shampooing him in
recently?

Have you given a hen a rinse?

No, but I did wash Auntie Dingle's duck
last week.

No,

you underestimate that dog. I may well
enter him for chuffs.

You're not going to show him?

Show him what?

And why not, may I ask?

Your information is distinct visibility.

I've taught him all the rudiments of
canine comportment. He's got a lovely

deportation. I've really trained that
dog.

Yes, well, I just wish you could train
your grandfather as well.

I'm getting sick and tired of him
calling me Lettie and interfering with

housework and using our facilities
for...

When is he ever used in proper
facilities or purposes?

Yesterday. He was washing his long johns
in the bathroom.

Well, couldn't you just ignore them?

Hardly.

Why don't you go and air your legs
today?

Go up to London, see some of our
national heretics.

There's Buckingham Palace and
Westminster Abbey. Westminster Abbey?

full of dead poms. And I don't like
cities.

I feel all sort of caged in. Where I
come from, people are very close to

What do you mean, they smell?

I mean there's plenty of space to move
around, and that includes the 20 ,000

acres belonging to me. Yes, well, I have
quite a bit of land myself.

Oh, you do?

I know it's not quite as big as, say,
Lord Monterhoo's Bulu, but we can call

our own.

Yes, we were very lucky to get this
place. Lucky? It's practically fallen

You should have stayed in your own
place.

I hardly think so.

That did fall down.

I suppose, you know, you've got dry rot.
I can smell it in the hallway.

That's probably the cat. And who can be
surprised after all the operations she's

gone through in the last week?

Four hours she was under the anacentric.

Having her perforations perforated, her
personals interfered with, and then they

put them back the one way round.

Stay she's in now, she doesn't know
whether she's having a wink or a

Jessica?

Have you been putting Daddy's aftershave
on the cat again?

Hmm? Have you taken Daddy's Jungle Boy
aroma?

Ah, well, that's a good girl.

What a good girl.

Because I told you not to play with
Daddy's bathroom bottles, haven't I?

The dog's still recovering from his
shampoo and set.

Oh, look.

There's the man next door.

What do we call the man next door?

No, not grumpy.

It's Mr Lewis. Let's wave to Mr Lewis,
shall we? Come on.

Wave. Hello, Mr Lewis.

Don't look.

Gesturing at me like that with your
vertical hammer.

Giving me dirty looks, eh?

Well, two can play at that game, can't
they? I can look just as dirty as he

Shall I?

as I thought, afraid to show his voice.

And I'm not surprised that Spencer in
anger is not a pretty sight.

Mr. Lewis?

and this side is mine.

I put this fence up to keep out
unwelcome pets.

Including your dog.

Who has some very dirty habits.

So for a start, you can have this lot
back.

Oh, you dirty dollop.

I've had enough of you out here banging,
hammering and knocking.

Well, my knocking days are over, I might
tell you.

I shall soon be leaving this soil for
the other side of the world.

We're going to Australia.

You mean I'll never see you again?

Well... We'll be around to say goodbye.

And we'll be having a party for all our
friends.

All your friends?

Where you hold it, in a telephone box?

Here, look.

Before you go, I'll have my own.

And in fair trade, I'll take my spade.
Right.

All right, all right. There's no need to
chuck it. Ah, shut your face. Give me

my bucket.

people from Australia Health.

Dear Mr. Spencer, we are pleased to
inform you that a personal nomination

been received on your behalf for
settlement in Australia.

Signed, B. Lawrence, the Chief Migration
Officer. The Chief Migration Officer.

You can hold it too.

And we're going to start a whole new
life together, upside down.

I'm frightened, Frank.

Moving to a new country.

What about your job?

Job? Postcarding myself in a pie shop
window?

Advertising my necks like a common
strumpet?

But going away won't change anything.
And think of what you'll be leaving

behind. Part of your life's here.

That's the part I want to leave behind.

Betty.

Look, I didn't want to join the brain
drain.

The way things are, the sooner my brains
are removed, the better.

Well, Australia's so far away, and we'll
be meeting strange people.

They're not strange.

They're like me.

I mean, look at Rolf Harris. He isn't
strange, is he?

I know he walks a bit funny with that
third leg, but he doesn't wear that all

the time.

But you've always been so patriotic.

Betty, no -one's patriotic more than me.

I've worn the Queen's braces, I've
marched on her socks, I've had her RAF

trousers up to there.

And where's it got me? I've given it my
all, and it's got me nowhere.

Oh, things were different when my mother
was a boy.

I mean, there was an empire then, and
there was pumping and circumstancing,

we had processions like the Queen's
carnation.

Everyone lining up and we'd stand there
waving our little things.

And my mother used to write, we cheered
the lords and ladies and all the streets

were lined.

We waited in three, but all we could see
was the Queen of Tonga's behind.

Oh, look at that, Betty.

Australia House.

We're practically on Australian soil.

Oh, Frank.

Excuse me.

Good on you, sport.

Did I just say a winkum?

I beg your pardon.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you was one of them.

I beg your pardon.

Hoppity hop.

I'm Mr. Lawrence.

The cheap migration.

How do you do, Mr. Lawrence?

This is my wife, Mrs. Spencer. Good
morning. Mrs. Spencer.

I was just admiring your boomerang.

That's a broken chair arm.

Please sit down.

Now, regarding your emigrant...

Would you like to sit over here, Mr.
Spencer? Just here.

Now, regarding your immigration
application... Yes, well, I don't know

will be convenient for us to leave.

We certainly can't go this week.

Oh, no,

Mr. Spencer, that's quite out of the
question. In fact, it might be out of

question for several weeks, because I'm
hoping to take flying lessons.

What? Yes, also, we haven't found a
buyer for the cat yet. Cat?

Now, Mr.

Spencer... Apart from your grandfather,
what else made you decide that you'd

like to settle in Australia?

Well, it's near the sea.

Well, it's got the sea all round it,
which is very nice for the swimming.

And also, I'm very fond of the... No,
no.

No ball.

You used to do quite a lot of that,
didn't you, Frank? Yes, I did.

But unfortunately, I had to desist
because of my trouble.

All the friction, you see.

Friction? Oh, you mean at club meetings?

No, no, when I run.

I tried wearing shorter pads, but I
still got it up here right there when I

between the wickets.

Don't touch it, Betty.

Yes, well, we're not too bothered about
your spare time activities, Mr Spencer.

After studying the application form, I'm
all concerned about what you'll be

doing for the rest of the week.

Now, I gather your grandfather has quite
a big spread.

Well, all dispensers are rather well
built.

Apart from myself, when I've got more
the lean and hungry look.

My mother always thought that I looked
like Mahatma Gandhi when I was a boy.

How well do you know him?

Well, I didn't know him at all, but I
saw all his films.

Your grandfather. How well do you know
your grandfather?

Have you had a long relationship?

Well, I've always been his grandson.

I mean, do you see him often?

No, I mean, we thought he passed on.

Because that's why we didn't send him a
Christmas card last year.

No, and he hadn't written for ages.

No, but he was never much of a letter
writer.

And if he had died, he'd never have told
us.

Mind you, the Spencers are not unknown
in Woolloomooloo.

No, my great -grandfather Basil lived
there first.

Yes, well, I don't think we need to go
into that, Mr Spencer.

Famous for his animal impressions.

Yes, I see, but he decided to leave
England.

Well, he wasn't out of choice, but the
deportation orders being somewhat harsh

in those days, one night he accidentally
did the mating cry of the black -headed

sheep, and 12 of the little fellas
followed him home.

No, no, no, no, no, Mr Spence. Oh, you
do it too. That's very good.

Mr Spence, if we could just talk about
your application form.

Yes, then there was his brother Nigel,
famous for his bird calls.

But he was sadly accidentally shot dead
by a duck hunter in Norfolk.

Would you like to tell me about it
another time, Mr Spencer? I really have

to do. I must get on. Oh, certainly.
Well, thank you very much for the time

you've spent with us already. I haven't
finished yet. Please, sit down. Please,

please, please.

Mr Spencer, you're quite happy about
going to Australia?

Well, Frank thinks it's the best thing
for us, but I am a little worried about

leaving my mother.

Get in on a bit, is she?

Well, you know, about your age.

But I am willing to go if Frank does.

And his grandfather says it's all
settled.

Ah, well, it's far from that, Mr
Spencer, far from that. There are things

this form, questions which I want an
answer to.

Please don't follow me about the room,
Mr Spencer. I don't like being followed.

I had a cousin like that.

Never mind your cousin. Please, sit
down.

Where I can see you.

Where are your qualifications, eh?

You were asked to bring documents,
diplomas, certificates, testimonials.

Oh, well, I didn't know you meant all of
them.

How many have you brought? Just the one.

How many have you got?

Just the one.

Mr Spencer.

I don't think there's a great deal of
demand for 25 -yard breaststrokes on the

street.

Well, I have swum much further, but I
was wind -assisted.

And I had the armbands on.

I'm sure you have.

I know you didn't actually say that you
wanted lifeguards. That's because we

don't. Well, I can hold my nose and
stand in the water for two minutes.

No. I'm willing to fight a shark. No!

An electric eel?

No.

I don't mind getting my hair wet. No,
no, no, no, no. We don't want

Lifeguards we do not want.

Couldn't you just squeeze one in? No!

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Bentham.

It's obvious to me that you don't
entirely share your husband's feelings

matter. Perhaps it would be better if I
could see each of you alone, OK?

Um,

do you want to do Frank first?

Yes, I'd like to do your husband first.

Good evening, Mrs Spencer.

Judy, some tea for Mrs Spencer, please.

One certificate.

One. A lift to jobs as long as a
kangaroo's leap and not a single

You're following me again? You know I
don't like being followed.

No, I'm not following you. I was going
in completely the other direction.

But I will stand in the same way as you.

I was just looking at your aberration
there.

And the water hole.

He's a rude aberration, isn't he?

I'd like to draw your attention to
question 12. You're following me now.

He was.

According to this, you spent three
months in a monastery and graduated as a

fitter.

I did the guest fitting before I went
in. I was just living in the monastery.

That was your home?

I didn't have a home.

That was why I was doing the part -time
monkeying.

Question 13.

Unlucky for some.

I used to be a bingo caller too.

Details of education. We don't seem to
have too much here, do we?

No, well, I didn't have a lot of
education because I had to look after my

mother. Never mind your mother.

Well, she was good to me. Times were
hard in Crippen Lane.

But I always had my comic money, and
always had clean vest and pants. Mr

Spencer, please!

But my Auntie Dingle wasn't very nice.

She used to bring homemade jelly round,
and didn't even wobble.

Will you be quiet?

Why is it every time I ask you a simple
question, you're not only avoiding me a

simple answer, you go on and on and on?

I was trying to be brief. Brief? You
don't know what the word means. Please,

down. Sit down. Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit,
sit.

Sit!

Mr. Spencer, I'm going to ask you again
a simple question. Do you think you

could try just this once to give me a
small, simple, brief, truthful answer?

Yeah. Right, now.

As my mother always said, tell the truth
and the devil will fail.

Tell a lie and it'll be on your tail.

It's not that funny.

Mr. Spencer, what job are you actually
doing at the moment?

Well, I got a bit confused because you
were shouting at me.

Oh, God.

I'll ask you again.

And this time, I'm not shouting. No, but
you was a minute ago when I mentioned

my jelly wobbling.

What job are you actually doing at this
moment in time today, Tuesday the 27th?

Well, I'm not doing anything today
because I had to come here.

Mr Spencer, let me put it another way.
What job are you actually doing

Tomorrow?

Tomorrow they said they could manage
without me.

Mr Spencer, how long do you think
they're going to be able to manage

you? Well, I don't have to work
Thursday, and then I don't work Friday,

Saturday's the day off.

And Sunday's my day of rest.

Rest from what?

You're not doing anything this week.

Not this week, no.

Then what about next week? Next week?
Next week?

Nothing.

Nothing? You're unemployed, aren't you?

Yes.

I was just getting round to it.

I'm not coming into work tomorrow.
Today, I'm not coming in on Friday.

And then there's Sunday.

And then, and then, and then, and then
we have Sunday.

You're going to give yourself a day.

Mr. Lawrence, are you all right?

Well, shouldn't I get the lady?

Would you like a glass of water?

Have you... Oh, why not have a little
beverage?

Have you got a glass?

Here, cheer yourself up.

I've always said, I will not linger at
your door.

Away I have to race.

But I can tell you wish me well, but a
look that's on your face...

I

said they can manage

without me today, they can manage
without me tomorrow.

I won't come in on Friday, then there'll
be Saturday.

Sunday I'll have a day of rest. I feel
better when I've had...

to tell Jessica tomorrow morning who's
going to be on Australian soil on

Christmas Day.

We won't be there that soon.

I mean, did Mr Lawrence definitely say
that we could go? Yes, he was grinning

all over his teeth.

He was jumping out and down with
excitement.

Oh, Betty, we've got to get organised.

Well, haven't we better wait until we
hear something from him? No, no, no,

got to sort out the past.

and we've got to get ejaculated against
disease.

Don't want to go and get bitten by a
wallaby, do we?

Oh, but there'll be plenty of time for
this later. You haven't even started

flying lesson.

No, but I'd better get a move on,
because Mr Lawrence could call any day

confirm.

That could be him. That could be him.

Hold that.

Mr. Spencer does live here. This is he
speaking.

No, I'm not Mr. Lawrence. Who said I
was?

Biddy, we have a confused man here.

Hello?

Yes, this is the Mr. Spencer that does
electrical and varied gas repairs.

Oh, well, I don't know about that. I
don't think I can arrange anything now.

Well, I'm afraid I can't be with you for
at least...

Well, 20 minutes.

All right. Could I have your name and
address, please?

Thank you. Mr. Brown.

Yes. Could you spell that, please?

Thank you.

26 Upton Down.

Right. Thank you.

Goodbye.

Oh, Betty.

Things are looking up.

He saw my advert in the pie shop window.

And they just bought a new house.

And the central heating's gone wrong, so
they've got no heating.

Now, that's a nice sound to leave home
to, isn't it? Mr Lewis?

Well, need you ask?

Wonder what else he's got for his
birthday.

Are you honking for my ears?

No. I am waiting for a helicopter.

And would you like to know why I am
waiting for a helicopter?

Yes. Because that is the only way I can
get my car out. You parked too close

again. That's not mine. My car's too
down.

That's Mr Thompson from down the road.

I don't think he's up yet, though.

Lazy devil.

He's got no business to park outside my
house.

Not up yet, eh?

Well, he soon will be.

No, he always stays in bed late because
he works late at the town hall.

He's a wrestler.

A wrestler, is he?

What about that one?

That's Mrs Thompson's.

She's a lady wrestler.

Well, can I be of assistance?

I mean, you've got plenty of room.

There's a good 18 inches at the front
here.

And, uh, excuse me?

Excuse me, please. Thank you.

There's another very good 18 inches at
the back, I feel.

All right, make sure I don't hit that
car behind.

Right, back a bit.

Back a bit more.

A little bit more.

That's it.

All right, that's it. You can pull
forwards now. There's plenty of room.

Plenty of room? You must be joking.

I could give you a lift.

Nothing would induce me to get into a
moving vehicle with you, Spencer.

Well, there's no need to shout.

Politeness costs nothing.

Neither does a punch in the teeth.

I think I understand your meaning.

I'm off to work.

Are you going forward?

No, no, it's all right. You go through.

Make way for the milkman. Room for him
aloud.

With his cheery core, he's a friend to
all. And he's cheaper than the cow.

I'm giving you a lift, aren't I?

If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't
need a lift.

Thanks to you, my car is a complete
write -off.

I'll say no more.

I can see this isn't one of your good
days.

It's not one of your good days. It's you
who came here.

Where do you stop an airport? It's in
the station.

Boilers.

That's why I'm here.

I have a little job to do.

You said you were taking me to the
station.

I'll only be a few minutes.

Patience is a virtue.

Ah, Mr. Brown?

Yeah? Good afternoon, I'm Mr. Spencer.

I'll come about your boiler.

Oh, come in.

What was he doing in there?