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1
00:00:01,910 --> 00:00:05,970
Jim, I just popped in to say how much I
appreciate the energy and enthusiasm and
2
00:00:05,970 --> 00:00:07,650
dedication you're bringing to the new
task.
3
00:00:08,029 --> 00:00:10,390
And indeed the seriousness with which
you're treating it.
4
00:00:10,810 --> 00:00:12,290
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
5
00:00:43,090 --> 00:00:44,090
The good God.
6
00:01:05,690 --> 00:01:09,670
Well, no, that's your perception of it,
which, with the greatest respect, is
7
00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:13,900
wrong. Oh, you see, because we are at
the cutting edge here. And we're
8
00:01:13,900 --> 00:01:17,420
undercover. And we're doing what we do
best. We're saving people's lives.
9
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:20,280
Now,
10
00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:23,620
remember, children, nonce. Night owls
never cross erratically.
11
00:01:24,180 --> 00:01:28,860
Now, what you must do... The good guys
have been put on special assignment.
12
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:32,080
The chippy chipmunk rode safety course.
13
00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:34,360
Now,
14
00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:36,480
some people are silly.
15
00:01:36,970 --> 00:01:38,230
And they cross in the wrong place.
16
00:01:38,590 --> 00:01:42,730
And, oh, I think I see a silly person
coming. Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
17
00:01:44,090 --> 00:01:51,070
Can anybody tell
18
00:01:51,070 --> 00:01:52,070
me what he is now?
19
00:01:52,390 --> 00:01:53,390
Yes.
20
00:01:54,350 --> 00:01:57,090
Yes, he is, but he's a squash tomato,
isn't he?
21
00:01:57,690 --> 00:01:59,150
That's right, he's a squash tomato.
22
00:01:59,530 --> 00:02:01,490
He's actually pureed tomato now.
23
00:02:02,410 --> 00:02:03,950
Tomato ketchup is what he is.
24
00:02:04,479 --> 00:02:06,200
Okay, stop giggling, Mark, please.
25
00:02:06,540 --> 00:02:09,979
And I only hope if these kids see me
dressed as Safety Squirrel that they're
26
00:02:09,979 --> 00:02:11,560
going to get some sort of... No, you're
Chipmunk.
27
00:02:12,260 --> 00:02:14,760
No, I'm a squirrel. You're Chipmunk.
That's why I call you Chippy.
28
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:20,900
However, change is in the air as D .I.
Beach receives an unexpected summons.
29
00:02:39,030 --> 00:02:40,030
Yes,
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00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:48,190
we did contact Detective Inspector Beach
because this particular visit does fall
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00:02:48,190 --> 00:02:50,110
under the jurisdiction of his force.
32
00:02:50,350 --> 00:02:56,030
And the family are very keen to visit
this specific public house so that they
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00:02:56,030 --> 00:02:56,918
can meet.
34
00:02:56,920 --> 00:03:00,660
Ordinary people, you know, spend a short
time amongst ordinary folk.
35
00:03:00,900 --> 00:03:05,400
And it's entirely fitting that ordinary
policemen should oversee the operation.
36
00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:07,080
All very ordinary.
37
00:03:08,700 --> 00:03:13,220
We're unhappy about this perception that
the family is perhaps losing touch with
38
00:03:13,220 --> 00:03:15,480
ordinary life.
39
00:03:15,700 --> 00:03:19,200
So what we want is everything to be
absolutely normal.
40
00:03:19,860 --> 00:03:22,100
A reality pill, if you like.
41
00:03:23,540 --> 00:03:28,820
However... DI Beach has other ideas. Get
all those leaves up and put them back
42
00:03:28,820 --> 00:03:29,679
on a tree.
43
00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:30,680
All right?
44
00:03:30,900 --> 00:03:32,520
Strings, has that carpet been washed?
45
00:03:33,900 --> 00:03:37,420
It's covered in stains. You can see it
from up here.
46
00:03:40,660 --> 00:03:42,740
Bones? Is that gloss?
47
00:03:45,140 --> 00:03:48,320
Forget gloss. I want green gloss for
green grass, all right?
48
00:03:50,060 --> 00:03:51,940
I don't care. I want it nice and shiny.
49
00:03:52,990 --> 00:03:54,090
Go on, look at his fit.
50
00:03:54,550 --> 00:03:55,550
What do you think you're doing?
51
00:03:56,830 --> 00:03:58,350
Sorry, sir? What do you think you look
like?
52
00:03:59,670 --> 00:04:00,569
On your head?
53
00:04:00,570 --> 00:04:01,810
Oh, um, oh.
54
00:04:02,630 --> 00:04:07,110
Yes, I've just wiped it out. It's for
the guests. It makes me look more regal.
55
00:04:07,270 --> 00:04:08,270
It's ridiculous.
56
00:04:08,870 --> 00:04:11,330
Anyway, if anybody's going to wear a
golden helmet, it's going to be me.
57
00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:23,280
I'd love to tell you the identity of
this family, but obviously I can't for
58
00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:27,060
security reasons. I'm sure you
understand that. But we're going to
59
00:04:27,060 --> 00:04:28,120
the Jubilee family.
60
00:04:29,740 --> 00:04:33,980
The only thing I can tell you at this
stage is that we do have a bit of a
61
00:04:33,980 --> 00:04:38,920
dilemma as to whether we're going to
drive them or fly them by RAF helicopter
62
00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:39,940
from Windsor.
63
00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:44,980
One, two, three, eight.
64
00:04:59,079 --> 00:05:05,480
We do insist that a toilet is
65
00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:09,460
available to the family at all times.
Now this is going to require rather more
66
00:05:09,460 --> 00:05:13,740
planning than you may imagine because
the important point is that the facility
67
00:05:13,740 --> 00:05:16,660
needs to be no further than 15 feet.
68
00:05:17,260 --> 00:05:20,100
Away from the family at any one time. 15
feet.
69
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:23,820
Well, I hope their aim is as good as it
is when they're shooting their chickens,
70
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:24,960
if you like.
71
00:05:25,660 --> 00:05:29,840
It's also important that this facility
is in tip -top condition.
72
00:05:31,060 --> 00:05:32,060
Right, come here.
73
00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:33,540
Come here, please.
74
00:05:33,860 --> 00:05:35,080
Oh, all right, down there.
75
00:05:35,540 --> 00:05:36,439
Look at that.
76
00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:39,580
Healthy. If that was cleaned with any
degree of frequency, you wouldn't have
77
00:05:39,580 --> 00:05:40,580
this problem, would you?
78
00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:43,600
Now, somebody's got to take a chisel to
that.
79
00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:45,280
When about 16, 17?
80
00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:46,899
They have this operation.
81
00:05:46,900 --> 00:05:49,760
They do wee -wee, but the operation
stops them from doing poo -poo.
82
00:05:50,860 --> 00:05:54,140
Well, they never, ever go for a shit.
No, they do wee -wee.
83
00:05:55,580 --> 00:05:56,960
Colostomy bag, it's called, isn't it?
84
00:05:57,360 --> 00:05:58,179
I don't know.
85
00:05:58,180 --> 00:06:00,940
No, it ain't a colostomy, is it? I don't
know what it is, but they just don't
86
00:06:00,940 --> 00:06:05,480
go. That's why, that's why. When you
ever meet the mother, you're supposed to
87
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:06,560
never pat her handbag.
88
00:06:07,220 --> 00:06:09,920
I don't know what all the fuss is about,
mate. I mean, we've all had a
89
00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:13,600
discussion. And it's common knowledge,
isn't it? Everyone knows that the
90
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,460
Jubilees do not go to the toilet.
91
00:06:16,030 --> 00:06:20,650
Beach has ordered Mark and Bones to
clear the area of all offensive
92
00:06:22,110 --> 00:06:28,790
They've asked us to look after the
dietary and the sanitary needs of the
93
00:06:28,790 --> 00:06:29,790
corgis.
94
00:06:31,350 --> 00:06:37,590
Now that is smashing, isn't it?
Meanwhile, meticulous preparations
95
00:06:38,050 --> 00:06:42,130
Sir, the idea is, we have these on
observation when we're stuck in a
96
00:06:42,910 --> 00:06:46,030
And what we're going to do is we're
going to take these out, put one in
97
00:06:46,030 --> 00:06:50,470
room, so that at any time Jubilee is
only 15 feet away from a toilet.
98
00:06:52,990 --> 00:06:55,110
Yeah, well, I've said it. I mean, it's
not a big deal, is it? They're not going
99
00:06:55,110 --> 00:06:57,690
to use it. It's not going out live. I
don't believe chihuahuas.
100
00:06:58,230 --> 00:07:00,110
Mark, can you come in here and look at
this?
101
00:07:00,370 --> 00:07:02,130
We've at least had to zhuzh it up a
little bit.
102
00:07:02,450 --> 00:07:04,150
These are the ones from your book,
aren't they, sir? They are.
103
00:07:04,570 --> 00:07:07,390
They really set it off. And these
cherries, they look like the ones in
104
00:07:07,390 --> 00:07:09,150
bedroom, sir. They are the ones in my
bedroom.
105
00:07:09,350 --> 00:07:10,710
Really? Yes, and let's have a look
inside.
106
00:07:10,950 --> 00:07:12,370
Yeah, but it's totally loaded.
107
00:07:12,650 --> 00:07:13,930
All fluffy bits in there.
108
00:07:14,470 --> 00:07:16,910
That's it. Just in case of accident. I'm
just kidding. Can you bring the camera
109
00:07:16,910 --> 00:07:17,849
in, Mark?
110
00:07:17,850 --> 00:07:18,549
That's it.
111
00:07:18,550 --> 00:07:20,850
At the back here, we put a piece of
velvet, red velvet.
112
00:07:21,690 --> 00:07:24,590
because, well, the crown could scratch.
113
00:07:25,150 --> 00:07:26,770
You could so easily lose a stone.
114
00:07:27,070 --> 00:07:30,770
Well, that one looks like a small doggy,
doesn't it?
115
00:07:32,070 --> 00:07:35,170
We found quite a lot, actually. We've
got about two pound here.
116
00:07:35,970 --> 00:07:38,010
Don't be shouting at me. I'm not
shouting.
117
00:07:39,350 --> 00:07:41,290
We can only afford one port -a -loo.
118
00:07:41,530 --> 00:07:44,770
Don't say that term with me. We can only
afford one port -a -loo. How can we
119
00:07:44,770 --> 00:07:49,990
keep 15 feet away from her and him and
him at one time? It has to be 15 feet,
120
00:07:50,050 --> 00:07:51,050
Ray. It's in the book.
121
00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:51,839
I don't know.
122
00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:52,840
We're working out.
123
00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:54,480
Improvised.
124
00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:58,940
Right, now, you have to imagine, sir,
that I'm one of them, OK? Ready?
125
00:07:59,340 --> 00:08:00,340
Watch. Hop.
126
00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:03,580
That's perfect. Fifteen feet at all
times.
127
00:08:04,820 --> 00:08:05,820
Back a bit, Bill.
128
00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:09,140
You should really stay back, cos I don't
need to all splosh about in here, you
129
00:08:09,140 --> 00:08:11,820
know what I mean? It's funny, isn't it,
now, that you... I've never seen... You
130
00:08:11,820 --> 00:08:15,940
don't see any white dog shit any more,
do you? I ain't seen... It's like... Not
131
00:08:15,940 --> 00:08:16,940
since the 70s.
132
00:08:22,099 --> 00:08:24,180
Anything? I'm definitely getting
something, definitely.
133
00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:26,500
I'm not. I think it's working.
134
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:29,680
Another officer dispatched to the front.
135
00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:31,159
Hello, sir.
136
00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:35,360
Oh, stop it! Oh, no, I've got that. I've
got that. I can taste it down the back
137
00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:36,239
of my throat, too.
138
00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:38,059
Oh, God, I have to blame you!
139
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:42,880
Obviously, they've asked me to look
after the music for the Jubilees visit.
140
00:08:43,419 --> 00:08:45,140
And between you and me, it's a bit
embarrassing.
141
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:46,360
Have a look at that.
142
00:08:46,790 --> 00:08:48,290
Because I'm a bit of an anarchist, you
see.
143
00:08:48,690 --> 00:08:52,470
But, well, the job's got to be done, so
we'll crack on with it. I'm going to
144
00:08:52,470 --> 00:08:54,010
give them a real strings welcome.
145
00:08:54,290 --> 00:08:55,650
It's going to be rock and roll.
146
00:08:55,910 --> 00:09:00,910
God save the... I shouldn't have said
that. In you go, Ed.
147
00:09:01,310 --> 00:09:03,650
Sort those vents out, Ray.
148
00:09:04,790 --> 00:09:05,910
As thick as you can.
149
00:09:06,470 --> 00:09:07,470
Oh, the smell.
150
00:09:08,250 --> 00:09:14,610
Oh, the smell. You've got to do
something about the soundproofing.
151
00:09:16,570 --> 00:09:19,890
Just get rid of it. We've got to get it
out. We've got to dispose of it in an
152
00:09:19,890 --> 00:09:22,270
orderly fashion. Look, let's bung it in
here.
153
00:09:23,050 --> 00:09:26,590
See, if this gets in a kid's eye, it's
got a worm in it and makes them go
154
00:09:26,810 --> 00:09:29,950
It's absolutely... I don't know. I
wonder
155
00:09:29,950 --> 00:09:34,830
what he had last night.
156
00:09:35,710 --> 00:09:39,070
The Jubilees are going to be here in an
hour. And look, the place looks like a
157
00:09:39,070 --> 00:09:40,070
rubbish tip.
158
00:09:40,250 --> 00:09:41,650
Come on, get all the rubbish together.
159
00:09:41,870 --> 00:09:44,870
Sarge, just plonk it down here in the
middle of the floor. As we put the ship.
160
00:09:45,180 --> 00:09:48,340
Just put it down there. We get all the
bags together and then we're going to
161
00:09:48,340 --> 00:09:51,740
skip them. What, mix it up with all the
other rubbish? Put it down there, Bones.
162
00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:54,860
Oh, no, no, no.
163
00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:56,320
What's all this?
164
00:09:56,920 --> 00:10:01,220
It's less than an hour before the
Jubilees arrive and there's bags and
165
00:10:01,220 --> 00:10:03,040
bloody bags of rubbish everywhere.
166
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:05,760
All right, so I'm going to skip it. You
were going to do it, weren't you? You
167
00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:08,440
were going to do it. I never asked you
to do it now, did you? Let me get it
168
00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:09,440
now. Do it.
169
00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:10,660
All right, I promise.
170
00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:28,380
The smell of pine disinfectant still
lingering in the air. The Jubilees
171
00:10:28,380 --> 00:10:30,440
arrive for their low -key visit.
172
00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:58,920
Can you, Mark, have you seen both?
173
00:10:59,220 --> 00:11:00,220
Your Highness, will you come?
174
00:11:01,020 --> 00:11:02,420
Have you got us both in shot now?
175
00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:10,160
But it is actually bomb -proof and it's
bulletproof, but rather lovely to look
176
00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:11,220
at at the same time, I think.
177
00:11:11,460 --> 00:11:15,720
Well, that's all very well. Of course,
don't you think it'd be so much more
178
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:18,080
attractive if they were leaded?
179
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:22,760
As in?
180
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:29,840
No, no, they're designed to keep lead
out.
181
00:11:31,020 --> 00:11:34,600
So then the governor kicked the bag and
it was covered in shit. That was ten
182
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:35,600
minutes before you arrived.
183
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,000
So he stinks.
184
00:11:37,260 --> 00:11:40,940
We've got the worst of it, but he's told
me to spray him every time the... Oh,
185
00:11:41,020 --> 00:11:45,040
for heaven's sake. I mean, we are always
covered in the stuff. And the public
186
00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:47,920
see the arms pair because all the time
we didn't bother to wash it off.
187
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:50,640
Now, have you got your own teeth?
188
00:11:51,020 --> 00:11:51,599
Of course.
189
00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:53,580
Right, because I'm going to get you some
biscuits, OK?
190
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:54,559
Thank you.
191
00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:57,400
You're not like the other old people I
look after, you know. You don't smell of
192
00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:58,399
pee.
193
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:01,600
Right, now, do you want chocolate ball
buns or custard creams?
194
00:12:01,980 --> 00:12:03,540
Yeah, chaps, come over here. Look, look.
195
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:08,600
I was supposed to look after the
corkies, but they've put me in charge of
196
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:10,940
cars. Look, it's got everything. It's
GPS.
197
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:15,260
It's got a bomb -proof floor, lead
-filled doors, bulletproof windows.
198
00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:19,900
Now I can practice my anti -terrorist
driving techniques. Look at this, mate.
199
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:35,960
I understand you both served in the
Royal Marines.
200
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:37,199
Yes, sir.
201
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,880
79 -384, sir.
202
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:43,340
The Thard and Bill take Jubilee 2 down
memory lane.
203
00:12:43,820 --> 00:12:50,400
They took hold of him and made him put
the white vest on.
204
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:54,440
And the little white knickers, sir. And
the white socks, sir.
205
00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:55,819
The little ones.
206
00:12:55,820 --> 00:12:56,820
The little ones, yeah.
207
00:12:57,520 --> 00:13:00,800
And then they covered him in glitter,
sir.
208
00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:04,440
Well, that's tremendous.
209
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:07,140
I'm very pleased to know that.
210
00:13:07,460 --> 00:13:08,540
Thank you, sir.
211
00:13:09,100 --> 00:13:14,080
Meanwhile, Jubilee One is enduring DS
Ash's every attention.
212
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:18,560
No, it does not.
213
00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:42,940
the modern -day questioning room where
you see the familiar twin -deck tape
214
00:13:42,940 --> 00:13:43,940
recorder.
215
00:13:44,980 --> 00:13:47,300
I'm rather interested in questioning
rooms myself.
216
00:13:47,740 --> 00:13:50,140
You are? Well, I've actually done some
drawing.
217
00:13:50,860 --> 00:13:54,360
Would you like to see them? They're
rather pretty little watercolour. Oh,
218
00:13:54,380 --> 00:13:55,800
indeed. We would have them.
219
00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:58,900
What fun.
220
00:13:59,580 --> 00:14:04,400
I was enormously pleased with the water
and the trees in the background. And the
221
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:05,840
lovely liberal use of colour.
222
00:14:06,380 --> 00:14:08,480
Hey, hang on a minute. That's a ducking
stanch.
223
00:14:08,740 --> 00:14:09,739
Strange, please.
224
00:14:09,740 --> 00:14:13,260
No, I'm sorry, sir, but that's the
fascist representation of a torture
225
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:14,680
Shut up.
226
00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,080
I particularly like the restraints on
the ground floor.
227
00:14:17,900 --> 00:14:20,160
What I thought I'd do is obviously let
the corgis run about.
228
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:23,780
It's going to tire them out. So when the
Jubilees have finished their visit,
229
00:14:23,820 --> 00:14:25,420
they're going to go back to their house.
230
00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:27,040
The corgis are going to be tired.
231
00:14:27,460 --> 00:14:29,980
And obviously then, you know, they're
going to sort of, they're going to be
232
00:14:29,980 --> 00:14:30,980
to go to bed.
233
00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:41,960
I didn't see him. Well, you've done
another one. You've done both of them.
234
00:14:42,300 --> 00:14:44,560
I'll just go to the club. Oh, Jesus.
That's all I heard.
235
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:45,880
What are we going to do?
236
00:14:45,940 --> 00:14:48,380
Well, Arthur, you're supposed to be
looking after the dogs.
237
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:51,740
Yeah, but you weren't supposed to drive
the car around the car park, were you?
238
00:14:51,900 --> 00:14:54,160
You're not supposed to let them in the
car. You're supposed to stay in the
239
00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:55,059
car. Look.
240
00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:56,060
Well, I'm to the lead.
241
00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:57,240
Oh, no.
242
00:14:57,800 --> 00:14:59,260
I like this one.
243
00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:00,940
Mm -hmm.
244
00:15:01,180 --> 00:15:02,740
Yeah, that's a tremendous idea.
245
00:15:03,460 --> 00:15:05,540
It's a nice one, isn't it, sir? Nice
colour, sir.
246
00:15:08,010 --> 00:15:09,550
Looks like an Indian made that one.
247
00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:12,070
More like a cowboy, I'd say.
248
00:15:12,690 --> 00:15:14,170
Now, look, I'm going to have to stop you
there.
249
00:15:14,570 --> 00:15:18,570
Why? Because you can't go further than
15 feet from the toilet.
250
00:15:18,890 --> 00:15:19,890
Good heavens, why?
251
00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:22,370
Well, it says so in your book, doesn't
it? Now, come on, sit down.
252
00:15:22,810 --> 00:15:26,410
Well, of course, Gordon and me had a
rather good game called Hide the
253
00:15:26,410 --> 00:15:29,870
Caramel. And you had to decrease it on
your purpose.
254
00:15:30,450 --> 00:15:34,570
Well, of course, everybody knew exactly
where... Well,
255
00:15:35,370 --> 00:15:38,110
I had rather good wheeze. I've hid it
behind my ear.
256
00:15:39,210 --> 00:15:43,850
Meanwhile, the bonding between Jubilee 2
and the ART continues.
257
00:15:45,890 --> 00:15:46,890
Oh, yes.
258
00:15:47,070 --> 00:15:48,070
Takes me back.
259
00:15:49,290 --> 00:15:52,250
I've got a long day ahead of us, so I
want you to go to the loo, OK?
260
00:15:52,610 --> 00:15:56,190
But I don't need to go. Yes, you do. You
do. It's them rusks. They go straight
261
00:15:56,190 --> 00:15:57,190
through you. You do.
262
00:15:57,550 --> 00:15:58,710
Jubilee 1's patient.
263
00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:01,180
is finally beginning to wear thin.
264
00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:03,400
That's it.
265
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:07,000
There's a little brush there if you go
number twos, all right? And I'll be
266
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,200
outside, but I won't listen.
267
00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:11,640
You have to be firm with the elderly.
268
00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:18,940
I saw Mummy and Daddy on the ship.
269
00:16:19,580 --> 00:16:20,960
Ran up the gangplank.
270
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:24,000
And she wouldn't even kiss me.
271
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,920
Not even just a little kiss on the
cheek.
272
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:28,840
She just...
273
00:16:29,260 --> 00:16:30,280
Shook my hand.
274
00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:33,980
Just hearing that makes me so cross.
275
00:16:36,420 --> 00:16:38,200
Extraordinary. Has your mother ever
kissed you?
276
00:16:38,460 --> 00:16:39,460
No.
277
00:16:39,860 --> 00:16:43,240
No, she never kissed me, but she did
other things.
278
00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:51,020
Of course, I mean, nobody's understood
me. My nannies, my parents, God, even my
279
00:16:51,020 --> 00:16:52,160
polo ponies.
280
00:16:53,340 --> 00:16:54,340
I understand.
281
00:16:54,420 --> 00:16:56,620
What on earth does that smell? It smells
of poo.
282
00:17:07,689 --> 00:17:11,210
I've been given the great honour of
looking after Jubilee One because I'm
283
00:17:11,210 --> 00:17:12,430
good with old people, you see.
284
00:17:13,650 --> 00:17:16,030
Oh, she seems to be stirring now.
285
00:17:17,490 --> 00:17:18,490
Oh, yeah.
286
00:17:20,849 --> 00:17:22,069
It's the rusks, you see.
287
00:17:23,329 --> 00:17:25,109
Now, this is a lovely bit of kit, sir.
288
00:17:25,630 --> 00:17:26,869
It's a flashbang grenade.
289
00:17:27,530 --> 00:17:30,910
We throw them into the room when the
terrorists are there, and a huge
290
00:17:30,910 --> 00:17:31,910
disorientates them.
291
00:17:32,330 --> 00:17:33,810
Beautiful. And it's British -made.
292
00:17:34,190 --> 00:17:37,190
Hmm. Certainly doesn't look as if it's
made by an Indian.
293
00:17:37,470 --> 00:17:38,470
No. Oh, shit!
294
00:17:39,190 --> 00:17:40,510
It's Lloyd! It's Lloyd!
295
00:17:42,610 --> 00:17:43,830
It's Lloyd! It's Lloyd!
296
00:17:44,030 --> 00:17:45,030
What's going on?
297
00:17:45,530 --> 00:17:48,970
What's going on? What are you doing?
298
00:17:49,790 --> 00:17:50,930
What are you doing?
299
00:17:51,870 --> 00:17:56,650
Very successful day so far. I think
you're...
300
00:18:13,220 --> 00:18:18,620
Whilst Jubilee One receives on -the
-spot medical attention, Beach travels
301
00:18:18,620 --> 00:18:21,500
to ensure the rest of the day goes
without a hitch.
302
00:18:21,940 --> 00:18:25,040
There are people here that have no
organisation to be here.
303
00:18:28,780 --> 00:18:29,780
Silence,
304
00:18:30,340 --> 00:18:32,780
please! Let's have you all up on your
feet now!
305
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:34,940
On your feet! Come on! Chop, chop!
306
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:38,540
Move it. Move it, move it.
307
00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:41,380
Mind just lining up against the bar,
please.
308
00:18:42,980 --> 00:18:44,460
Get them all out of here! Everybody!
309
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,060
Follow the police officer.
310
00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:50,500
Thank you.
311
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:52,760
Just get into the bank of the police.
312
00:18:53,260 --> 00:18:54,260
Thanks very much.
313
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:57,820
I really think you should just calm
down, OK?
314
00:18:58,080 --> 00:18:59,940
You should just calm down.
315
00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:05,320
Come and have a cup of tea and a tablet.
You don't want a tea and I don't want a
316
00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:08,920
tablet. I want the real, authentic
EastEnders in here now, please. Thank
317
00:19:09,060 --> 00:19:10,300
We'll go and fetch them. Right.
318
00:19:11,740 --> 00:19:13,460
We've been given our orders by the
Governor.
319
00:19:14,980 --> 00:19:17,160
We've been told to acquire the target.
320
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:19,960
And we've been told to shoot to kill.
321
00:19:24,750 --> 00:19:25,750
There he is, Bill.
322
00:19:27,150 --> 00:19:28,630
50 yards approaching.
323
00:19:29,890 --> 00:19:30,890
40.
324
00:19:31,770 --> 00:19:35,530
30. I have, I have. Go, go, go!
325
00:19:38,210 --> 00:19:40,730
Sir, I've got those East End people,
like you said.
326
00:19:41,090 --> 00:19:45,830
Having cleared the pub of all its
regulars, speech introduces a more
327
00:19:45,830 --> 00:19:47,130
East End crowd.
328
00:19:52,610 --> 00:19:55,450
Right, lads, we're cheeky chirpy
cockneys today.
329
00:19:55,750 --> 00:19:58,830
And the birds tap into my garden.
330
00:19:59,090 --> 00:20:02,150
Real people.
331
00:20:02,830 --> 00:20:07,530
You see, the problem with all this
was... Are you getting me there, Mark?
332
00:20:08,510 --> 00:20:11,250
..was finding the real East End people.
333
00:20:11,969 --> 00:20:15,890
The people that actually won the war for
this country, the backbone, the bulldog
334
00:20:15,890 --> 00:20:20,590
breed, the real cockneys, those born
within the sound of bow bells. I mean,
335
00:20:20,590 --> 00:20:23,870
long were we looking before we found
these? I was looking for three days. I
336
00:20:23,870 --> 00:20:26,550
couldn't find them, could I? You
mentioned the Pearly Kings and Queens
337
00:20:26,550 --> 00:20:27,550
Association.
338
00:20:27,890 --> 00:20:28,890
Bingo, there we are.
339
00:20:29,090 --> 00:20:34,010
But the pièce de résistance, if you come
round this way, is a real East End
340
00:20:34,010 --> 00:20:35,010
barmaid.
341
00:20:35,730 --> 00:20:36,870
This is not.
342
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:41,380
Mine's a pint of bitter, please, Sharon.
343
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:46,180
Well, it's not on, really. I was just
sitting there. Police come through me
344
00:20:46,180 --> 00:20:49,300
door, telling me to get up and go to a
real East End pub.
345
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:52,920
I mean, for the... I like the family and
that.
346
00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:57,420
I mean, don't get me wrong, I mean...
Cos it happens.
347
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:00,740
My mum would probably be well pleased.
348
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:03,120
Fantastic point.
349
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:05,400
It helps you to work in a pub, can't
you?
350
00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:07,360
Smash it.
351
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:08,960
Put a head on that.
352
00:21:09,620 --> 00:21:11,440
Do you know I didn't even work in the
Vic?
353
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:14,940
I beg your pardon? I didn't even work in
the f***ing Vic.
354
00:21:15,380 --> 00:21:18,460
They pressed me out of my ass. They
think I've got nothing to do since I
355
00:21:18,460 --> 00:21:19,199
that programme.
356
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:19,939
Do they?
357
00:21:19,940 --> 00:21:21,600
Do they think that I don't get no work?
358
00:21:22,060 --> 00:21:23,080
I don't know about that.
359
00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:29,360
Yeah, sometimes it is a bloody thankless
task and we have to take life.
360
00:21:29,860 --> 00:21:30,980
Doesn't really matter though, does it?
361
00:21:31,370 --> 00:21:32,370
Well, it don't matter to you.
362
00:21:32,450 --> 00:21:33,349
No.
363
00:21:33,350 --> 00:21:37,450
I mean, he does it well, doesn't he?
He's like a heartbreaker, a lifetaker.
364
00:21:38,210 --> 00:21:43,430
Well, the governor's asked me to sort of
be the official food taster.
365
00:21:44,950 --> 00:21:51,370
I have to take a little bite out of
everything just to prove
366
00:21:51,370 --> 00:21:53,390
that it's not poison.
367
00:21:54,050 --> 00:21:58,090
Well, no, no, it was very prudent of
Sir. He spotted the fact that the drinks
368
00:21:58,090 --> 00:22:00,930
weren't tested for poison and he took it
upon himself.
369
00:22:01,340 --> 00:22:02,340
To do that.
370
00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:04,620
It's just unfortunate there was rather a
lot of them.
371
00:22:07,300 --> 00:22:08,300
Blue one's fine.
372
00:22:10,780 --> 00:22:11,780
That's good.
373
00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:14,260
Sir, do you mind if I just air in a
worry?
374
00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:16,000
We don't have any worries, Ray.
375
00:22:16,340 --> 00:22:19,100
Shouldn't you let the other men drink
them, sir? Then we can spread the load a
376
00:22:19,100 --> 00:22:20,039
little, couldn't we?
377
00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:21,960
Men can't drink on duty, Ray. Now,
where's the gin?
378
00:22:22,780 --> 00:22:23,780
That one is.
379
00:22:38,780 --> 00:22:44,840
Having consumed 25 units of alcohol in
the line of duty, Beach is now
380
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:47,560
the spontaneous knees up for the
Jubilee's arrival.
381
00:23:05,390 --> 00:23:06,490
Have you got it all out? No.
382
00:23:07,050 --> 00:23:08,310
It's a funny colour, isn't it?
383
00:23:09,290 --> 00:23:10,850
Oh, I've got it. No, come on.
384
00:23:11,690 --> 00:23:17,490
I must have picked up a germ off a dirty
glass. I know, I know.
385
00:23:17,770 --> 00:23:19,490
Come on, let's go out. It's my glove.
386
00:23:20,050 --> 00:23:20,989
No, no, the glove's gone.
387
00:23:20,990 --> 00:23:22,710
No, no, you haven't lost it. It's gone
down to your eye.
388
00:23:23,630 --> 00:23:24,730
Let's leave it there. It's dirty.
389
00:23:25,190 --> 00:23:26,089
Don't leave it.
390
00:23:26,090 --> 00:23:27,710
I'm not going to leave it. Excuse me,
boys.
391
00:23:28,550 --> 00:23:29,550
Come on.
392
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:41,860
Having regained her composure and her
hearing, Jubilee One dutifully continued
393
00:23:41,860 --> 00:23:42,860
her tour.
394
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:50,480
You might be a servant.
395
00:23:54,260 --> 00:23:57,160
So you
396
00:23:57,160 --> 00:24:04,060
got it then? Yeah, got it then. Well,
the governor would be pleased about
397
00:24:04,350 --> 00:24:07,410
Yeah, but we've been talking, Ray, and
we think we're right on the edge of the
398
00:24:07,410 --> 00:24:09,950
law on this one. Don't worry about it.
We are the law. Now, pop it in the
399
00:24:09,950 --> 00:24:10,849
microwave, quick.
400
00:24:10,850 --> 00:24:13,150
How long? Give it a half hour on full
blast, Bill, all right?
401
00:24:14,870 --> 00:24:18,670
Meanwhile, Bones is leading the
entertainment extravaganza.
402
00:24:20,590 --> 00:24:21,590
Good evening.
403
00:24:21,890 --> 00:24:26,490
It's my turn now to do a little joke
that I heard the other day.
404
00:24:26,910 --> 00:24:32,030
This fella, he's up in court.
405
00:24:32,970 --> 00:24:34,450
for buggering a corgi.
406
00:24:35,710 --> 00:24:40,950
Anyway, he comes up in front of the
judge, and the judge says, buggering a
407
00:24:40,950 --> 00:24:44,310
corgi? He says, that's disgusting, my
man.
408
00:24:44,510 --> 00:24:45,890
How low can you get?
409
00:24:46,670 --> 00:24:48,130
The first is Chihuahua.
410
00:24:50,590 --> 00:24:51,870
Where are my dogs?
411
00:24:52,670 --> 00:24:56,210
I just feel certain I've met you before.
412
00:24:56,590 --> 00:24:59,250
Perhaps it's just you remind me a little
of...
413
00:25:02,350 --> 00:25:03,970
Who's going to say Fergie?
414
00:25:06,010 --> 00:25:07,010
Fergie, who's she?
415
00:25:08,170 --> 00:25:12,770
I have to inform you that this has been
the most disgraceful display I have ever
416
00:25:12,770 --> 00:25:15,430
experienced in all my years representing
this family.
417
00:25:15,810 --> 00:25:19,890
Beach is beginning to see his chances of
a knighthood receding.
418
00:25:20,130 --> 00:25:24,110
Detective Inspector Beach is
something... What have you done?
419
00:25:25,730 --> 00:25:29,470
Quiet, please. The pièce de résistance
coming in right now.
420
00:25:30,010 --> 00:25:34,010
Ba -ba -da -da -ba -da -da, real pub
grubs for a real pub lady. Ba -ba -da
421
00:25:34,010 --> 00:25:37,210
-ba -da -da, stuffed with a turkey, swan
in a basket.
422
00:25:38,690 --> 00:25:43,870
Disgusting. Oh, come on. So, sort your
missus out, will you? It's beautiful.
423
00:25:45,170 --> 00:25:46,770
Get off me! It's disgusting!
424
00:25:47,870 --> 00:25:51,910
Without Beach at the helm, things are
rapidly beginning to spiral out of
425
00:25:51,910 --> 00:25:52,910
control.
426
00:25:54,150 --> 00:25:56,810
You, call yourself a man, you wouldn't
even kiss your son.
427
00:25:57,290 --> 00:26:00,050
What kind of father do you think you
are? You've got a heart of stone. You're
428
00:26:00,050 --> 00:26:01,310
cold man, you are.
429
00:26:01,670 --> 00:26:05,170
That's all right, you'll kiss my...
That's all right, I'll give you a damn.
430
00:26:05,170 --> 00:26:06,430
good. You understand me?
431
00:26:08,730 --> 00:26:09,730
No,
432
00:26:10,370 --> 00:26:13,650
no, in retrospect, I think it went very,
very well.
433
00:26:14,370 --> 00:26:17,490
You know, I'm taking into account the
governor's behaviour. That was due to
434
00:26:17,490 --> 00:26:21,530
drinking in the line of duty and taking
tranquilisers.
435
00:26:22,330 --> 00:26:24,110
Well, they just don't mix, do they?
436
00:26:26,060 --> 00:26:29,420
You know I had a slice of toast for
breakfast this morning. I couldn't
437
00:26:29,420 --> 00:26:32,700
eat anything now. Right, I'm sure you've
had enough, and we're going to go.
438
00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:35,360
We're going. We're not going anywhere.
Yes, you are. You're coming with me.
439
00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:36,560
I've only just started.
440
00:26:36,780 --> 00:26:38,660
No, you just started. You're coming with
me.
441
00:26:39,140 --> 00:26:42,320
Look, come on. Don't you touch my hand
on me. I'm not touching you now. Don't
442
00:26:42,320 --> 00:26:45,320
get aggressive with me. You always make
me leave when I'm having a good time.
443
00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:48,100
You always do this every time we go out.
No, we don't. Come on, let's go. Get to
444
00:26:48,100 --> 00:26:51,060
the bar and get these people a drink.
You're going to have a drink with me.
445
00:26:51,060 --> 00:26:53,220
cannot hold your drink. Come on. Get her
a snowboard. It's not normal.
446
00:26:53,460 --> 00:26:55,740
Come on. Come with me.
447
00:26:56,760 --> 00:27:01,160
I wasn't too bad, was I, Ray? No. No,
no, you were fine.
448
00:27:02,620 --> 00:27:04,420
Well, up until we scuffled, I suppose.
449
00:27:05,020 --> 00:27:06,020
Scuffled.
450
00:27:09,729 --> 00:27:10,950
Oh, God, no.
451
00:27:11,670 --> 00:27:14,910
Yeah, well, it's 52 shots. 52 shots of
alcohol.
452
00:27:15,230 --> 00:27:16,230
No -one can take that.
453
00:27:16,510 --> 00:27:20,490
And a cap at all, at the end of the
evening, I caught him drinking half a
454
00:27:20,490 --> 00:27:21,490
of champagne.
455
00:27:21,650 --> 00:27:23,490
I think he mugged himself off.
456
00:27:25,230 --> 00:27:27,710
Oh, my God, I'm never going to get a
night's sleep now.
457
00:27:29,110 --> 00:27:30,610
How are you going to get to see me?
458
00:27:30,830 --> 00:27:31,830
No more.
459
00:27:32,270 --> 00:27:33,790
Oh, my God.
460
00:27:34,890 --> 00:27:38,070
The Jubilees finally beat a hasty
retreat.
461
00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:55,460
Well, to be honest, he really let us
down. I mean, you can't act like that in
462
00:27:55,460 --> 00:27:56,460
front of the family.
463
00:27:56,680 --> 00:28:00,300
No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, security. You
can't say who it is, Bones. You can't,
464
00:28:00,300 --> 00:28:02,020
OK? What do you mean? Everyone knows us.
465
00:28:03,180 --> 00:28:04,580
I mean, look, they were filming.
466
00:28:05,620 --> 00:28:07,660
He's lucky he never ended up in the
bleeding tower.
467
00:28:13,460 --> 00:28:16,240
Oh, the bit with the... Yeah, you
offered her a hot dog, sir.
468
00:28:16,620 --> 00:28:19,420
What? Yeah, the only thing, it wasn't a
hot dog, if you know what I mean.
469
00:28:21,209 --> 00:28:22,209
It wasn't supposed.
470
00:28:22,430 --> 00:28:25,490
He put tomato sauce all over it and
started waving it about everywhere.
471
00:28:26,350 --> 00:28:28,010
Splashed all over her coat, ruined it.
472
00:28:28,730 --> 00:28:32,110
I told her to put her chicken in and
we'd get it done and dry clean it for
473
00:28:34,150 --> 00:28:35,550
I'm gonna get you.
37152
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