All language subtitles for Operation Good Guys s03e05 Jubilee

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,910 --> 00:00:05,970 Jim, I just popped in to say how much I appreciate the energy and enthusiasm and 2 00:00:05,970 --> 00:00:07,650 dedication you're bringing to the new task. 3 00:00:08,029 --> 00:00:10,390 And indeed the seriousness with which you're treating it. 4 00:00:10,810 --> 00:00:12,290 Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. 5 00:00:43,090 --> 00:00:44,090 The good God. 6 00:01:05,690 --> 00:01:09,670 Well, no, that's your perception of it, which, with the greatest respect, is 7 00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:13,900 wrong. Oh, you see, because we are at the cutting edge here. And we're 8 00:01:13,900 --> 00:01:17,420 undercover. And we're doing what we do best. We're saving people's lives. 9 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:20,280 Now, 10 00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:23,620 remember, children, nonce. Night owls never cross erratically. 11 00:01:24,180 --> 00:01:28,860 Now, what you must do... The good guys have been put on special assignment. 12 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:32,080 The chippy chipmunk rode safety course. 13 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:34,360 Now, 14 00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:36,480 some people are silly. 15 00:01:36,970 --> 00:01:38,230 And they cross in the wrong place. 16 00:01:38,590 --> 00:01:42,730 And, oh, I think I see a silly person coming. Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. 17 00:01:44,090 --> 00:01:51,070 Can anybody tell 18 00:01:51,070 --> 00:01:52,070 me what he is now? 19 00:01:52,390 --> 00:01:53,390 Yes. 20 00:01:54,350 --> 00:01:57,090 Yes, he is, but he's a squash tomato, isn't he? 21 00:01:57,690 --> 00:01:59,150 That's right, he's a squash tomato. 22 00:01:59,530 --> 00:02:01,490 He's actually pureed tomato now. 23 00:02:02,410 --> 00:02:03,950 Tomato ketchup is what he is. 24 00:02:04,479 --> 00:02:06,200 Okay, stop giggling, Mark, please. 25 00:02:06,540 --> 00:02:09,979 And I only hope if these kids see me dressed as Safety Squirrel that they're 26 00:02:09,979 --> 00:02:11,560 going to get some sort of... No, you're Chipmunk. 27 00:02:12,260 --> 00:02:14,760 No, I'm a squirrel. You're Chipmunk. That's why I call you Chippy. 28 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:20,900 However, change is in the air as D .I. Beach receives an unexpected summons. 29 00:02:39,030 --> 00:02:40,030 Yes, 30 00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:48,190 we did contact Detective Inspector Beach because this particular visit does fall 31 00:02:48,190 --> 00:02:50,110 under the jurisdiction of his force. 32 00:02:50,350 --> 00:02:56,030 And the family are very keen to visit this specific public house so that they 33 00:02:56,030 --> 00:02:56,918 can meet. 34 00:02:56,920 --> 00:03:00,660 Ordinary people, you know, spend a short time amongst ordinary folk. 35 00:03:00,900 --> 00:03:05,400 And it's entirely fitting that ordinary policemen should oversee the operation. 36 00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:07,080 All very ordinary. 37 00:03:08,700 --> 00:03:13,220 We're unhappy about this perception that the family is perhaps losing touch with 38 00:03:13,220 --> 00:03:15,480 ordinary life. 39 00:03:15,700 --> 00:03:19,200 So what we want is everything to be absolutely normal. 40 00:03:19,860 --> 00:03:22,100 A reality pill, if you like. 41 00:03:23,540 --> 00:03:28,820 However... DI Beach has other ideas. Get all those leaves up and put them back 42 00:03:28,820 --> 00:03:29,679 on a tree. 43 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:30,680 All right? 44 00:03:30,900 --> 00:03:32,520 Strings, has that carpet been washed? 45 00:03:33,900 --> 00:03:37,420 It's covered in stains. You can see it from up here. 46 00:03:40,660 --> 00:03:42,740 Bones? Is that gloss? 47 00:03:45,140 --> 00:03:48,320 Forget gloss. I want green gloss for green grass, all right? 48 00:03:50,060 --> 00:03:51,940 I don't care. I want it nice and shiny. 49 00:03:52,990 --> 00:03:54,090 Go on, look at his fit. 50 00:03:54,550 --> 00:03:55,550 What do you think you're doing? 51 00:03:56,830 --> 00:03:58,350 Sorry, sir? What do you think you look like? 52 00:03:59,670 --> 00:04:00,569 On your head? 53 00:04:00,570 --> 00:04:01,810 Oh, um, oh. 54 00:04:02,630 --> 00:04:07,110 Yes, I've just wiped it out. It's for the guests. It makes me look more regal. 55 00:04:07,270 --> 00:04:08,270 It's ridiculous. 56 00:04:08,870 --> 00:04:11,330 Anyway, if anybody's going to wear a golden helmet, it's going to be me. 57 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:23,280 I'd love to tell you the identity of this family, but obviously I can't for 58 00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:27,060 security reasons. I'm sure you understand that. But we're going to 59 00:04:27,060 --> 00:04:28,120 the Jubilee family. 60 00:04:29,740 --> 00:04:33,980 The only thing I can tell you at this stage is that we do have a bit of a 61 00:04:33,980 --> 00:04:38,920 dilemma as to whether we're going to drive them or fly them by RAF helicopter 62 00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:39,940 from Windsor. 63 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:44,980 One, two, three, eight. 64 00:04:59,079 --> 00:05:05,480 We do insist that a toilet is 65 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:09,460 available to the family at all times. Now this is going to require rather more 66 00:05:09,460 --> 00:05:13,740 planning than you may imagine because the important point is that the facility 67 00:05:13,740 --> 00:05:16,660 needs to be no further than 15 feet. 68 00:05:17,260 --> 00:05:20,100 Away from the family at any one time. 15 feet. 69 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:23,820 Well, I hope their aim is as good as it is when they're shooting their chickens, 70 00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:24,960 if you like. 71 00:05:25,660 --> 00:05:29,840 It's also important that this facility is in tip -top condition. 72 00:05:31,060 --> 00:05:32,060 Right, come here. 73 00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:33,540 Come here, please. 74 00:05:33,860 --> 00:05:35,080 Oh, all right, down there. 75 00:05:35,540 --> 00:05:36,439 Look at that. 76 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:39,580 Healthy. If that was cleaned with any degree of frequency, you wouldn't have 77 00:05:39,580 --> 00:05:40,580 this problem, would you? 78 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:43,600 Now, somebody's got to take a chisel to that. 79 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:45,280 When about 16, 17? 80 00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:46,899 They have this operation. 81 00:05:46,900 --> 00:05:49,760 They do wee -wee, but the operation stops them from doing poo -poo. 82 00:05:50,860 --> 00:05:54,140 Well, they never, ever go for a shit. No, they do wee -wee. 83 00:05:55,580 --> 00:05:56,960 Colostomy bag, it's called, isn't it? 84 00:05:57,360 --> 00:05:58,179 I don't know. 85 00:05:58,180 --> 00:06:00,940 No, it ain't a colostomy, is it? I don't know what it is, but they just don't 86 00:06:00,940 --> 00:06:05,480 go. That's why, that's why. When you ever meet the mother, you're supposed to 87 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:06,560 never pat her handbag. 88 00:06:07,220 --> 00:06:09,920 I don't know what all the fuss is about, mate. I mean, we've all had a 89 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:13,600 discussion. And it's common knowledge, isn't it? Everyone knows that the 90 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,460 Jubilees do not go to the toilet. 91 00:06:16,030 --> 00:06:20,650 Beach has ordered Mark and Bones to clear the area of all offensive 92 00:06:22,110 --> 00:06:28,790 They've asked us to look after the dietary and the sanitary needs of the 93 00:06:28,790 --> 00:06:29,790 corgis. 94 00:06:31,350 --> 00:06:37,590 Now that is smashing, isn't it? Meanwhile, meticulous preparations 95 00:06:38,050 --> 00:06:42,130 Sir, the idea is, we have these on observation when we're stuck in a 96 00:06:42,910 --> 00:06:46,030 And what we're going to do is we're going to take these out, put one in 97 00:06:46,030 --> 00:06:50,470 room, so that at any time Jubilee is only 15 feet away from a toilet. 98 00:06:52,990 --> 00:06:55,110 Yeah, well, I've said it. I mean, it's not a big deal, is it? They're not going 99 00:06:55,110 --> 00:06:57,690 to use it. It's not going out live. I don't believe chihuahuas. 100 00:06:58,230 --> 00:07:00,110 Mark, can you come in here and look at this? 101 00:07:00,370 --> 00:07:02,130 We've at least had to zhuzh it up a little bit. 102 00:07:02,450 --> 00:07:04,150 These are the ones from your book, aren't they, sir? They are. 103 00:07:04,570 --> 00:07:07,390 They really set it off. And these cherries, they look like the ones in 104 00:07:07,390 --> 00:07:09,150 bedroom, sir. They are the ones in my bedroom. 105 00:07:09,350 --> 00:07:10,710 Really? Yes, and let's have a look inside. 106 00:07:10,950 --> 00:07:12,370 Yeah, but it's totally loaded. 107 00:07:12,650 --> 00:07:13,930 All fluffy bits in there. 108 00:07:14,470 --> 00:07:16,910 That's it. Just in case of accident. I'm just kidding. Can you bring the camera 109 00:07:16,910 --> 00:07:17,849 in, Mark? 110 00:07:17,850 --> 00:07:18,549 That's it. 111 00:07:18,550 --> 00:07:20,850 At the back here, we put a piece of velvet, red velvet. 112 00:07:21,690 --> 00:07:24,590 because, well, the crown could scratch. 113 00:07:25,150 --> 00:07:26,770 You could so easily lose a stone. 114 00:07:27,070 --> 00:07:30,770 Well, that one looks like a small doggy, doesn't it? 115 00:07:32,070 --> 00:07:35,170 We found quite a lot, actually. We've got about two pound here. 116 00:07:35,970 --> 00:07:38,010 Don't be shouting at me. I'm not shouting. 117 00:07:39,350 --> 00:07:41,290 We can only afford one port -a -loo. 118 00:07:41,530 --> 00:07:44,770 Don't say that term with me. We can only afford one port -a -loo. How can we 119 00:07:44,770 --> 00:07:49,990 keep 15 feet away from her and him and him at one time? It has to be 15 feet, 120 00:07:50,050 --> 00:07:51,050 Ray. It's in the book. 121 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:51,839 I don't know. 122 00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:52,840 We're working out. 123 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:54,480 Improvised. 124 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:58,940 Right, now, you have to imagine, sir, that I'm one of them, OK? Ready? 125 00:07:59,340 --> 00:08:00,340 Watch. Hop. 126 00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:03,580 That's perfect. Fifteen feet at all times. 127 00:08:04,820 --> 00:08:05,820 Back a bit, Bill. 128 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:09,140 You should really stay back, cos I don't need to all splosh about in here, you 129 00:08:09,140 --> 00:08:11,820 know what I mean? It's funny, isn't it, now, that you... I've never seen... You 130 00:08:11,820 --> 00:08:15,940 don't see any white dog shit any more, do you? I ain't seen... It's like... Not 131 00:08:15,940 --> 00:08:16,940 since the 70s. 132 00:08:22,099 --> 00:08:24,180 Anything? I'm definitely getting something, definitely. 133 00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:26,500 I'm not. I think it's working. 134 00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:29,680 Another officer dispatched to the front. 135 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:31,159 Hello, sir. 136 00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:35,360 Oh, stop it! Oh, no, I've got that. I've got that. I can taste it down the back 137 00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:36,239 of my throat, too. 138 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:38,059 Oh, God, I have to blame you! 139 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:42,880 Obviously, they've asked me to look after the music for the Jubilees visit. 140 00:08:43,419 --> 00:08:45,140 And between you and me, it's a bit embarrassing. 141 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:46,360 Have a look at that. 142 00:08:46,790 --> 00:08:48,290 Because I'm a bit of an anarchist, you see. 143 00:08:48,690 --> 00:08:52,470 But, well, the job's got to be done, so we'll crack on with it. I'm going to 144 00:08:52,470 --> 00:08:54,010 give them a real strings welcome. 145 00:08:54,290 --> 00:08:55,650 It's going to be rock and roll. 146 00:08:55,910 --> 00:09:00,910 God save the... I shouldn't have said that. In you go, Ed. 147 00:09:01,310 --> 00:09:03,650 Sort those vents out, Ray. 148 00:09:04,790 --> 00:09:05,910 As thick as you can. 149 00:09:06,470 --> 00:09:07,470 Oh, the smell. 150 00:09:08,250 --> 00:09:14,610 Oh, the smell. You've got to do something about the soundproofing. 151 00:09:16,570 --> 00:09:19,890 Just get rid of it. We've got to get it out. We've got to dispose of it in an 152 00:09:19,890 --> 00:09:22,270 orderly fashion. Look, let's bung it in here. 153 00:09:23,050 --> 00:09:26,590 See, if this gets in a kid's eye, it's got a worm in it and makes them go 154 00:09:26,810 --> 00:09:29,950 It's absolutely... I don't know. I wonder 155 00:09:29,950 --> 00:09:34,830 what he had last night. 156 00:09:35,710 --> 00:09:39,070 The Jubilees are going to be here in an hour. And look, the place looks like a 157 00:09:39,070 --> 00:09:40,070 rubbish tip. 158 00:09:40,250 --> 00:09:41,650 Come on, get all the rubbish together. 159 00:09:41,870 --> 00:09:44,870 Sarge, just plonk it down here in the middle of the floor. As we put the ship. 160 00:09:45,180 --> 00:09:48,340 Just put it down there. We get all the bags together and then we're going to 161 00:09:48,340 --> 00:09:51,740 skip them. What, mix it up with all the other rubbish? Put it down there, Bones. 162 00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:54,860 Oh, no, no, no. 163 00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:56,320 What's all this? 164 00:09:56,920 --> 00:10:01,220 It's less than an hour before the Jubilees arrive and there's bags and 165 00:10:01,220 --> 00:10:03,040 bloody bags of rubbish everywhere. 166 00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:05,760 All right, so I'm going to skip it. You were going to do it, weren't you? You 167 00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:08,440 were going to do it. I never asked you to do it now, did you? Let me get it 168 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:09,440 now. Do it. 169 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:10,660 All right, I promise. 170 00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:28,380 The smell of pine disinfectant still lingering in the air. The Jubilees 171 00:10:28,380 --> 00:10:30,440 arrive for their low -key visit. 172 00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:58,920 Can you, Mark, have you seen both? 173 00:10:59,220 --> 00:11:00,220 Your Highness, will you come? 174 00:11:01,020 --> 00:11:02,420 Have you got us both in shot now? 175 00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:10,160 But it is actually bomb -proof and it's bulletproof, but rather lovely to look 176 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:11,220 at at the same time, I think. 177 00:11:11,460 --> 00:11:15,720 Well, that's all very well. Of course, don't you think it'd be so much more 178 00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:18,080 attractive if they were leaded? 179 00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:22,760 As in? 180 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:29,840 No, no, they're designed to keep lead out. 181 00:11:31,020 --> 00:11:34,600 So then the governor kicked the bag and it was covered in shit. That was ten 182 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:35,600 minutes before you arrived. 183 00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,000 So he stinks. 184 00:11:37,260 --> 00:11:40,940 We've got the worst of it, but he's told me to spray him every time the... Oh, 185 00:11:41,020 --> 00:11:45,040 for heaven's sake. I mean, we are always covered in the stuff. And the public 186 00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:47,920 see the arms pair because all the time we didn't bother to wash it off. 187 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:50,640 Now, have you got your own teeth? 188 00:11:51,020 --> 00:11:51,599 Of course. 189 00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:53,580 Right, because I'm going to get you some biscuits, OK? 190 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:54,559 Thank you. 191 00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:57,400 You're not like the other old people I look after, you know. You don't smell of 192 00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:58,399 pee. 193 00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:01,600 Right, now, do you want chocolate ball buns or custard creams? 194 00:12:01,980 --> 00:12:03,540 Yeah, chaps, come over here. Look, look. 195 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:08,600 I was supposed to look after the corkies, but they've put me in charge of 196 00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:10,940 cars. Look, it's got everything. It's GPS. 197 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:15,260 It's got a bomb -proof floor, lead -filled doors, bulletproof windows. 198 00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:19,900 Now I can practice my anti -terrorist driving techniques. Look at this, mate. 199 00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:35,960 I understand you both served in the Royal Marines. 200 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:37,199 Yes, sir. 201 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,880 79 -384, sir. 202 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:43,340 The Thard and Bill take Jubilee 2 down memory lane. 203 00:12:43,820 --> 00:12:50,400 They took hold of him and made him put the white vest on. 204 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:54,440 And the little white knickers, sir. And the white socks, sir. 205 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:55,819 The little ones. 206 00:12:55,820 --> 00:12:56,820 The little ones, yeah. 207 00:12:57,520 --> 00:13:00,800 And then they covered him in glitter, sir. 208 00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:04,440 Well, that's tremendous. 209 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:07,140 I'm very pleased to know that. 210 00:13:07,460 --> 00:13:08,540 Thank you, sir. 211 00:13:09,100 --> 00:13:14,080 Meanwhile, Jubilee One is enduring DS Ash's every attention. 212 00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:18,560 No, it does not. 213 00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:42,940 the modern -day questioning room where you see the familiar twin -deck tape 214 00:13:42,940 --> 00:13:43,940 recorder. 215 00:13:44,980 --> 00:13:47,300 I'm rather interested in questioning rooms myself. 216 00:13:47,740 --> 00:13:50,140 You are? Well, I've actually done some drawing. 217 00:13:50,860 --> 00:13:54,360 Would you like to see them? They're rather pretty little watercolour. Oh, 218 00:13:54,380 --> 00:13:55,800 indeed. We would have them. 219 00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:58,900 What fun. 220 00:13:59,580 --> 00:14:04,400 I was enormously pleased with the water and the trees in the background. And the 221 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:05,840 lovely liberal use of colour. 222 00:14:06,380 --> 00:14:08,480 Hey, hang on a minute. That's a ducking stanch. 223 00:14:08,740 --> 00:14:09,739 Strange, please. 224 00:14:09,740 --> 00:14:13,260 No, I'm sorry, sir, but that's the fascist representation of a torture 225 00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:14,680 Shut up. 226 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,080 I particularly like the restraints on the ground floor. 227 00:14:17,900 --> 00:14:20,160 What I thought I'd do is obviously let the corgis run about. 228 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:23,780 It's going to tire them out. So when the Jubilees have finished their visit, 229 00:14:23,820 --> 00:14:25,420 they're going to go back to their house. 230 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:27,040 The corgis are going to be tired. 231 00:14:27,460 --> 00:14:29,980 And obviously then, you know, they're going to sort of, they're going to be 232 00:14:29,980 --> 00:14:30,980 to go to bed. 233 00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:41,960 I didn't see him. Well, you've done another one. You've done both of them. 234 00:14:42,300 --> 00:14:44,560 I'll just go to the club. Oh, Jesus. That's all I heard. 235 00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:45,880 What are we going to do? 236 00:14:45,940 --> 00:14:48,380 Well, Arthur, you're supposed to be looking after the dogs. 237 00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:51,740 Yeah, but you weren't supposed to drive the car around the car park, were you? 238 00:14:51,900 --> 00:14:54,160 You're not supposed to let them in the car. You're supposed to stay in the 239 00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:55,059 car. Look. 240 00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:56,060 Well, I'm to the lead. 241 00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:57,240 Oh, no. 242 00:14:57,800 --> 00:14:59,260 I like this one. 243 00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:00,940 Mm -hmm. 244 00:15:01,180 --> 00:15:02,740 Yeah, that's a tremendous idea. 245 00:15:03,460 --> 00:15:05,540 It's a nice one, isn't it, sir? Nice colour, sir. 246 00:15:08,010 --> 00:15:09,550 Looks like an Indian made that one. 247 00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:12,070 More like a cowboy, I'd say. 248 00:15:12,690 --> 00:15:14,170 Now, look, I'm going to have to stop you there. 249 00:15:14,570 --> 00:15:18,570 Why? Because you can't go further than 15 feet from the toilet. 250 00:15:18,890 --> 00:15:19,890 Good heavens, why? 251 00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:22,370 Well, it says so in your book, doesn't it? Now, come on, sit down. 252 00:15:22,810 --> 00:15:26,410 Well, of course, Gordon and me had a rather good game called Hide the 253 00:15:26,410 --> 00:15:29,870 Caramel. And you had to decrease it on your purpose. 254 00:15:30,450 --> 00:15:34,570 Well, of course, everybody knew exactly where... Well, 255 00:15:35,370 --> 00:15:38,110 I had rather good wheeze. I've hid it behind my ear. 256 00:15:39,210 --> 00:15:43,850 Meanwhile, the bonding between Jubilee 2 and the ART continues. 257 00:15:45,890 --> 00:15:46,890 Oh, yes. 258 00:15:47,070 --> 00:15:48,070 Takes me back. 259 00:15:49,290 --> 00:15:52,250 I've got a long day ahead of us, so I want you to go to the loo, OK? 260 00:15:52,610 --> 00:15:56,190 But I don't need to go. Yes, you do. You do. It's them rusks. They go straight 261 00:15:56,190 --> 00:15:57,190 through you. You do. 262 00:15:57,550 --> 00:15:58,710 Jubilee 1's patient. 263 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:01,180 is finally beginning to wear thin. 264 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:03,400 That's it. 265 00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:07,000 There's a little brush there if you go number twos, all right? And I'll be 266 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,200 outside, but I won't listen. 267 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:11,640 You have to be firm with the elderly. 268 00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:18,940 I saw Mummy and Daddy on the ship. 269 00:16:19,580 --> 00:16:20,960 Ran up the gangplank. 270 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:24,000 And she wouldn't even kiss me. 271 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,920 Not even just a little kiss on the cheek. 272 00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:28,840 She just... 273 00:16:29,260 --> 00:16:30,280 Shook my hand. 274 00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:33,980 Just hearing that makes me so cross. 275 00:16:36,420 --> 00:16:38,200 Extraordinary. Has your mother ever kissed you? 276 00:16:38,460 --> 00:16:39,460 No. 277 00:16:39,860 --> 00:16:43,240 No, she never kissed me, but she did other things. 278 00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:51,020 Of course, I mean, nobody's understood me. My nannies, my parents, God, even my 279 00:16:51,020 --> 00:16:52,160 polo ponies. 280 00:16:53,340 --> 00:16:54,340 I understand. 281 00:16:54,420 --> 00:16:56,620 What on earth does that smell? It smells of poo. 282 00:17:07,689 --> 00:17:11,210 I've been given the great honour of looking after Jubilee One because I'm 283 00:17:11,210 --> 00:17:12,430 good with old people, you see. 284 00:17:13,650 --> 00:17:16,030 Oh, she seems to be stirring now. 285 00:17:17,490 --> 00:17:18,490 Oh, yeah. 286 00:17:20,849 --> 00:17:22,069 It's the rusks, you see. 287 00:17:23,329 --> 00:17:25,109 Now, this is a lovely bit of kit, sir. 288 00:17:25,630 --> 00:17:26,869 It's a flashbang grenade. 289 00:17:27,530 --> 00:17:30,910 We throw them into the room when the terrorists are there, and a huge 290 00:17:30,910 --> 00:17:31,910 disorientates them. 291 00:17:32,330 --> 00:17:33,810 Beautiful. And it's British -made. 292 00:17:34,190 --> 00:17:37,190 Hmm. Certainly doesn't look as if it's made by an Indian. 293 00:17:37,470 --> 00:17:38,470 No. Oh, shit! 294 00:17:39,190 --> 00:17:40,510 It's Lloyd! It's Lloyd! 295 00:17:42,610 --> 00:17:43,830 It's Lloyd! It's Lloyd! 296 00:17:44,030 --> 00:17:45,030 What's going on? 297 00:17:45,530 --> 00:17:48,970 What's going on? What are you doing? 298 00:17:49,790 --> 00:17:50,930 What are you doing? 299 00:17:51,870 --> 00:17:56,650 Very successful day so far. I think you're... 300 00:18:13,220 --> 00:18:18,620 Whilst Jubilee One receives on -the -spot medical attention, Beach travels 301 00:18:18,620 --> 00:18:21,500 to ensure the rest of the day goes without a hitch. 302 00:18:21,940 --> 00:18:25,040 There are people here that have no organisation to be here. 303 00:18:28,780 --> 00:18:29,780 Silence, 304 00:18:30,340 --> 00:18:32,780 please! Let's have you all up on your feet now! 305 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:34,940 On your feet! Come on! Chop, chop! 306 00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:38,540 Move it. Move it, move it. 307 00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:41,380 Mind just lining up against the bar, please. 308 00:18:42,980 --> 00:18:44,460 Get them all out of here! Everybody! 309 00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,060 Follow the police officer. 310 00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:50,500 Thank you. 311 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:52,760 Just get into the bank of the police. 312 00:18:53,260 --> 00:18:54,260 Thanks very much. 313 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:57,820 I really think you should just calm down, OK? 314 00:18:58,080 --> 00:18:59,940 You should just calm down. 315 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:05,320 Come and have a cup of tea and a tablet. You don't want a tea and I don't want a 316 00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:08,920 tablet. I want the real, authentic EastEnders in here now, please. Thank 317 00:19:09,060 --> 00:19:10,300 We'll go and fetch them. Right. 318 00:19:11,740 --> 00:19:13,460 We've been given our orders by the Governor. 319 00:19:14,980 --> 00:19:17,160 We've been told to acquire the target. 320 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:19,960 And we've been told to shoot to kill. 321 00:19:24,750 --> 00:19:25,750 There he is, Bill. 322 00:19:27,150 --> 00:19:28,630 50 yards approaching. 323 00:19:29,890 --> 00:19:30,890 40. 324 00:19:31,770 --> 00:19:35,530 30. I have, I have. Go, go, go! 325 00:19:38,210 --> 00:19:40,730 Sir, I've got those East End people, like you said. 326 00:19:41,090 --> 00:19:45,830 Having cleared the pub of all its regulars, speech introduces a more 327 00:19:45,830 --> 00:19:47,130 East End crowd. 328 00:19:52,610 --> 00:19:55,450 Right, lads, we're cheeky chirpy cockneys today. 329 00:19:55,750 --> 00:19:58,830 And the birds tap into my garden. 330 00:19:59,090 --> 00:20:02,150 Real people. 331 00:20:02,830 --> 00:20:07,530 You see, the problem with all this was... Are you getting me there, Mark? 332 00:20:08,510 --> 00:20:11,250 ..was finding the real East End people. 333 00:20:11,969 --> 00:20:15,890 The people that actually won the war for this country, the backbone, the bulldog 334 00:20:15,890 --> 00:20:20,590 breed, the real cockneys, those born within the sound of bow bells. I mean, 335 00:20:20,590 --> 00:20:23,870 long were we looking before we found these? I was looking for three days. I 336 00:20:23,870 --> 00:20:26,550 couldn't find them, could I? You mentioned the Pearly Kings and Queens 337 00:20:26,550 --> 00:20:27,550 Association. 338 00:20:27,890 --> 00:20:28,890 Bingo, there we are. 339 00:20:29,090 --> 00:20:34,010 But the pièce de résistance, if you come round this way, is a real East End 340 00:20:34,010 --> 00:20:35,010 barmaid. 341 00:20:35,730 --> 00:20:36,870 This is not. 342 00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:41,380 Mine's a pint of bitter, please, Sharon. 343 00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:46,180 Well, it's not on, really. I was just sitting there. Police come through me 344 00:20:46,180 --> 00:20:49,300 door, telling me to get up and go to a real East End pub. 345 00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:52,920 I mean, for the... I like the family and that. 346 00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:57,420 I mean, don't get me wrong, I mean... Cos it happens. 347 00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:00,740 My mum would probably be well pleased. 348 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:03,120 Fantastic point. 349 00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:05,400 It helps you to work in a pub, can't you? 350 00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:07,360 Smash it. 351 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:08,960 Put a head on that. 352 00:21:09,620 --> 00:21:11,440 Do you know I didn't even work in the Vic? 353 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:14,940 I beg your pardon? I didn't even work in the f***ing Vic. 354 00:21:15,380 --> 00:21:18,460 They pressed me out of my ass. They think I've got nothing to do since I 355 00:21:18,460 --> 00:21:19,199 that programme. 356 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:19,939 Do they? 357 00:21:19,940 --> 00:21:21,600 Do they think that I don't get no work? 358 00:21:22,060 --> 00:21:23,080 I don't know about that. 359 00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:29,360 Yeah, sometimes it is a bloody thankless task and we have to take life. 360 00:21:29,860 --> 00:21:30,980 Doesn't really matter though, does it? 361 00:21:31,370 --> 00:21:32,370 Well, it don't matter to you. 362 00:21:32,450 --> 00:21:33,349 No. 363 00:21:33,350 --> 00:21:37,450 I mean, he does it well, doesn't he? He's like a heartbreaker, a lifetaker. 364 00:21:38,210 --> 00:21:43,430 Well, the governor's asked me to sort of be the official food taster. 365 00:21:44,950 --> 00:21:51,370 I have to take a little bite out of everything just to prove 366 00:21:51,370 --> 00:21:53,390 that it's not poison. 367 00:21:54,050 --> 00:21:58,090 Well, no, no, it was very prudent of Sir. He spotted the fact that the drinks 368 00:21:58,090 --> 00:22:00,930 weren't tested for poison and he took it upon himself. 369 00:22:01,340 --> 00:22:02,340 To do that. 370 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:04,620 It's just unfortunate there was rather a lot of them. 371 00:22:07,300 --> 00:22:08,300 Blue one's fine. 372 00:22:10,780 --> 00:22:11,780 That's good. 373 00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:14,260 Sir, do you mind if I just air in a worry? 374 00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:16,000 We don't have any worries, Ray. 375 00:22:16,340 --> 00:22:19,100 Shouldn't you let the other men drink them, sir? Then we can spread the load a 376 00:22:19,100 --> 00:22:20,039 little, couldn't we? 377 00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:21,960 Men can't drink on duty, Ray. Now, where's the gin? 378 00:22:22,780 --> 00:22:23,780 That one is. 379 00:22:38,780 --> 00:22:44,840 Having consumed 25 units of alcohol in the line of duty, Beach is now 380 00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:47,560 the spontaneous knees up for the Jubilee's arrival. 381 00:23:05,390 --> 00:23:06,490 Have you got it all out? No. 382 00:23:07,050 --> 00:23:08,310 It's a funny colour, isn't it? 383 00:23:09,290 --> 00:23:10,850 Oh, I've got it. No, come on. 384 00:23:11,690 --> 00:23:17,490 I must have picked up a germ off a dirty glass. I know, I know. 385 00:23:17,770 --> 00:23:19,490 Come on, let's go out. It's my glove. 386 00:23:20,050 --> 00:23:20,989 No, no, the glove's gone. 387 00:23:20,990 --> 00:23:22,710 No, no, you haven't lost it. It's gone down to your eye. 388 00:23:23,630 --> 00:23:24,730 Let's leave it there. It's dirty. 389 00:23:25,190 --> 00:23:26,089 Don't leave it. 390 00:23:26,090 --> 00:23:27,710 I'm not going to leave it. Excuse me, boys. 391 00:23:28,550 --> 00:23:29,550 Come on. 392 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:41,860 Having regained her composure and her hearing, Jubilee One dutifully continued 393 00:23:41,860 --> 00:23:42,860 her tour. 394 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:50,480 You might be a servant. 395 00:23:54,260 --> 00:23:57,160 So you 396 00:23:57,160 --> 00:24:04,060 got it then? Yeah, got it then. Well, the governor would be pleased about 397 00:24:04,350 --> 00:24:07,410 Yeah, but we've been talking, Ray, and we think we're right on the edge of the 398 00:24:07,410 --> 00:24:09,950 law on this one. Don't worry about it. We are the law. Now, pop it in the 399 00:24:09,950 --> 00:24:10,849 microwave, quick. 400 00:24:10,850 --> 00:24:13,150 How long? Give it a half hour on full blast, Bill, all right? 401 00:24:14,870 --> 00:24:18,670 Meanwhile, Bones is leading the entertainment extravaganza. 402 00:24:20,590 --> 00:24:21,590 Good evening. 403 00:24:21,890 --> 00:24:26,490 It's my turn now to do a little joke that I heard the other day. 404 00:24:26,910 --> 00:24:32,030 This fella, he's up in court. 405 00:24:32,970 --> 00:24:34,450 for buggering a corgi. 406 00:24:35,710 --> 00:24:40,950 Anyway, he comes up in front of the judge, and the judge says, buggering a 407 00:24:40,950 --> 00:24:44,310 corgi? He says, that's disgusting, my man. 408 00:24:44,510 --> 00:24:45,890 How low can you get? 409 00:24:46,670 --> 00:24:48,130 The first is Chihuahua. 410 00:24:50,590 --> 00:24:51,870 Where are my dogs? 411 00:24:52,670 --> 00:24:56,210 I just feel certain I've met you before. 412 00:24:56,590 --> 00:24:59,250 Perhaps it's just you remind me a little of... 413 00:25:02,350 --> 00:25:03,970 Who's going to say Fergie? 414 00:25:06,010 --> 00:25:07,010 Fergie, who's she? 415 00:25:08,170 --> 00:25:12,770 I have to inform you that this has been the most disgraceful display I have ever 416 00:25:12,770 --> 00:25:15,430 experienced in all my years representing this family. 417 00:25:15,810 --> 00:25:19,890 Beach is beginning to see his chances of a knighthood receding. 418 00:25:20,130 --> 00:25:24,110 Detective Inspector Beach is something... What have you done? 419 00:25:25,730 --> 00:25:29,470 Quiet, please. The pièce de résistance coming in right now. 420 00:25:30,010 --> 00:25:34,010 Ba -ba -da -da -ba -da -da, real pub grubs for a real pub lady. Ba -ba -da 421 00:25:34,010 --> 00:25:37,210 -ba -da -da, stuffed with a turkey, swan in a basket. 422 00:25:38,690 --> 00:25:43,870 Disgusting. Oh, come on. So, sort your missus out, will you? It's beautiful. 423 00:25:45,170 --> 00:25:46,770 Get off me! It's disgusting! 424 00:25:47,870 --> 00:25:51,910 Without Beach at the helm, things are rapidly beginning to spiral out of 425 00:25:51,910 --> 00:25:52,910 control. 426 00:25:54,150 --> 00:25:56,810 You, call yourself a man, you wouldn't even kiss your son. 427 00:25:57,290 --> 00:26:00,050 What kind of father do you think you are? You've got a heart of stone. You're 428 00:26:00,050 --> 00:26:01,310 cold man, you are. 429 00:26:01,670 --> 00:26:05,170 That's all right, you'll kiss my... That's all right, I'll give you a damn. 430 00:26:05,170 --> 00:26:06,430 good. You understand me? 431 00:26:08,730 --> 00:26:09,730 No, 432 00:26:10,370 --> 00:26:13,650 no, in retrospect, I think it went very, very well. 433 00:26:14,370 --> 00:26:17,490 You know, I'm taking into account the governor's behaviour. That was due to 434 00:26:17,490 --> 00:26:21,530 drinking in the line of duty and taking tranquilisers. 435 00:26:22,330 --> 00:26:24,110 Well, they just don't mix, do they? 436 00:26:26,060 --> 00:26:29,420 You know I had a slice of toast for breakfast this morning. I couldn't 437 00:26:29,420 --> 00:26:32,700 eat anything now. Right, I'm sure you've had enough, and we're going to go. 438 00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:35,360 We're going. We're not going anywhere. Yes, you are. You're coming with me. 439 00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:36,560 I've only just started. 440 00:26:36,780 --> 00:26:38,660 No, you just started. You're coming with me. 441 00:26:39,140 --> 00:26:42,320 Look, come on. Don't you touch my hand on me. I'm not touching you now. Don't 442 00:26:42,320 --> 00:26:45,320 get aggressive with me. You always make me leave when I'm having a good time. 443 00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:48,100 You always do this every time we go out. No, we don't. Come on, let's go. Get to 444 00:26:48,100 --> 00:26:51,060 the bar and get these people a drink. You're going to have a drink with me. 445 00:26:51,060 --> 00:26:53,220 cannot hold your drink. Come on. Get her a snowboard. It's not normal. 446 00:26:53,460 --> 00:26:55,740 Come on. Come with me. 447 00:26:56,760 --> 00:27:01,160 I wasn't too bad, was I, Ray? No. No, no, you were fine. 448 00:27:02,620 --> 00:27:04,420 Well, up until we scuffled, I suppose. 449 00:27:05,020 --> 00:27:06,020 Scuffled. 450 00:27:09,729 --> 00:27:10,950 Oh, God, no. 451 00:27:11,670 --> 00:27:14,910 Yeah, well, it's 52 shots. 52 shots of alcohol. 452 00:27:15,230 --> 00:27:16,230 No -one can take that. 453 00:27:16,510 --> 00:27:20,490 And a cap at all, at the end of the evening, I caught him drinking half a 454 00:27:20,490 --> 00:27:21,490 of champagne. 455 00:27:21,650 --> 00:27:23,490 I think he mugged himself off. 456 00:27:25,230 --> 00:27:27,710 Oh, my God, I'm never going to get a night's sleep now. 457 00:27:29,110 --> 00:27:30,610 How are you going to get to see me? 458 00:27:30,830 --> 00:27:31,830 No more. 459 00:27:32,270 --> 00:27:33,790 Oh, my God. 460 00:27:34,890 --> 00:27:38,070 The Jubilees finally beat a hasty retreat. 461 00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:55,460 Well, to be honest, he really let us down. I mean, you can't act like that in 462 00:27:55,460 --> 00:27:56,460 front of the family. 463 00:27:56,680 --> 00:28:00,300 No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, security. You can't say who it is, Bones. You can't, 464 00:28:00,300 --> 00:28:02,020 OK? What do you mean? Everyone knows us. 465 00:28:03,180 --> 00:28:04,580 I mean, look, they were filming. 466 00:28:05,620 --> 00:28:07,660 He's lucky he never ended up in the bleeding tower. 467 00:28:13,460 --> 00:28:16,240 Oh, the bit with the... Yeah, you offered her a hot dog, sir. 468 00:28:16,620 --> 00:28:19,420 What? Yeah, the only thing, it wasn't a hot dog, if you know what I mean. 469 00:28:21,209 --> 00:28:22,209 It wasn't supposed. 470 00:28:22,430 --> 00:28:25,490 He put tomato sauce all over it and started waving it about everywhere. 471 00:28:26,350 --> 00:28:28,010 Splashed all over her coat, ruined it. 472 00:28:28,730 --> 00:28:32,110 I told her to put her chicken in and we'd get it done and dry clean it for 473 00:28:34,150 --> 00:28:35,550 I'm gonna get you. 37152

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