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Hi, I'm David Faustino, Bud Bundy,
Merriwood Children. This is what happens
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I drink. My money's gone, my mother's a
midget, and my wife left me for my
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neighbor, Julio. This is my best friend,
Corin Emmett, former star of TV's
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Parker Lewis Can't Lose. He did lose. My
manager's been with me since I was in
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diapers. Now he's in diapers.
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When I'm not trying to kill myself, I
run a porn shop left to me by a crazed
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fan. Oh, and I'm also freakishly short.
Thanks, God.
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You have created the biggest grossing
show we've ever had. Huge.
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We're really happy here at the network.
I mean, you created a million, a billion
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dollar baby for us.
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Billion dollar baby. Okay.
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A billion dollar baby for us. Billion.
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Look at her right here. She's kind of
entertaining.
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Yeah, I know. Look at her. She doesn't
have to do anything. She doesn't have to
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do anything. Listen.
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Life, this life we have here is kind of
like a relationship.
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Yeah. Where you give each other things.
You pleasure each other. Yeah. For
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example. Exactly. And both of you get
pleasure out of it. And you end up with
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something very pleasant, which is, in
this case, money.
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What we want to do with you. What we
want to do to you. Around you. Okay,
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come on.
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She has to tell us who it is.
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Yes. She wants to work with. Who do you
want to create?
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Your next show. Anybody.
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Anybody you want. My favorite actor is
Bud Bundy. And I want to create his next
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show.
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She's hilarious.
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What a fucking hilarious idea.
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Brilliant. Straight delivery.
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Straight delivery.
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She's breaking shit. I will smack the
shit out of you little white bitch. Hold
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it, hold it.
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Are you sure that's what you want? I
want it!
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Mr. Faustino, give me my money. I don't
have any money.
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Give me my motherfucking money. I don't
have any motherfucking money. You little
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faggot cocksucker. You said you would
work for free. You know I'm unemployed
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right now until I get some money. No
more tamales.
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Is someone going to answer the fucking
phone?
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I'm trying to sleep over here.
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Hello? David!
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David, we spent you.
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Wow. The network, we were just talking
about you today.
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Who?
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It's Steve.
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It's Melinda.
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Right. Dave, Dave, Dave. What?
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The network.
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It's the network, Dave. The network.
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The network.
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Hello? Every generation a talent like
yours comes along.
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So you have to give it a generation of
new viewers to really appreciate
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something like you, something like what
you do. So we had to wait for the right
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person, and the right person just walked
into my office today. Just walked in
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today. Dave, you are so funny.
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Hilarious. Oh.
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Well, yes, it is true. I have to admit.
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We've been missing you. We've been
missing you. We miss you. And the thing
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We'll put you on the back of a milk
carton. Okay.
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We've got a great producer on the line.
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What's this deal?
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She wants you to be the center of her
next big show. She wants you to be the
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center. When do you want to meet me?
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Today. Right now.
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Yeah! Oh, she's not working. They want a
show for me. They want to create a new
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show for me. I'm going to come down
there right now.
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I'm back!
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I gotta get ready for this meeting. It's
pretty important.
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Dave, you're a star now, man. You got
people to take care of that stuff for
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again. Look, you go get polished up.
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I'll bury the dead Mexican, all right?
Um, Corn, she's from Puerto Rico, okay?
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She's Puerto Rican.
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That's really, that's really racist.
That's just rude.
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It's because she's Latino.
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It doesn't mean she's Mexican. I'm
sorry, man. Okay, apologize and chop her
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all right?
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I'm sorry.
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Really am gonna miss those tamales,
though.
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Mr. Faustino, give me my money. Okay.
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No more tamales.
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I want you so bad.
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Is that how to get me to 5 -3?
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Well,
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I'm out of here, man. Wish me luck.
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Good luck, Dave, but before you go, we
have to have at least one celebratory
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drink. Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm
not having a drink, man. That could be
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disastrous. Come on, Dave, seriously.
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Me and you, we can't have one drink like
two gentlemen here to celebrate this
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amazing occasion in your life?
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You know what?
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You're right. What kind of pussies are
we if we can't have one drink? Yeah,
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dude, please!
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All right!
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my only chance at a television comeback.
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Dave, Dave, don't worry about it, man.
You'll get another.
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Really? You think so?
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No, I highly doubt it, but we can at
least have another beer.
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Just one, though.
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Of course, man. What are we, pussies? We
can't have just one beer?
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What kind of pussies are we if we can't
just have one beer, huh?
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I... I know die so easy.
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