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Hi, I'm David Faustino, Bud Bundy,
Merriwood Children. This is what happens
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I drink. My money's gone, my mother's a
midget, and my wife left me for my
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neighbor, Julio. This is my best friend,
Corin Emmett, former star of TV's
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Parker Lewis Can't Lose. He did lose. My
manager's been with me since I was in
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diapers. Now he's in diapers.
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When I'm not trying to kill myself, I
run a porn shop left to me by a crazed
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fan. Oh, and I'm also freakishly short.
Thanks, God.
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That's a wrap, life.
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This is the home of David Faustino,
formerly known as an actor. But over
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we have Coolio's house.
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Staying there is David Faustino's ex
-wife.
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You might want to get a picture.
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You seen the paper?
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Y 'all got that?
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Good, good.
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Let's move on.
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As we get to the crest of the hill...
Don't fall on my side.
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Hello! Hey!
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Look! Look! You're back!
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Married Children goes to the big screen!
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Huh? Live news crew to film the table
read! What?
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Yeah! Drew to help!
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Drew? That's big time! Hell yeah!
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Wow! I'm going to the big screen!
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I'm going to the big screen!
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I almost just killed myself!
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I'm going to ride on your coattails!
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Let's fuck along. We've got to wait for
this guy, Jay.
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You know, we're waiting on him.
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Some things don't change.
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Hey.
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That's not an entrance.
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Sorry. Hello.
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Hey. Hey, buddy.
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Good to see you. Katie.
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This is exciting, huh?
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Movie. Hi, Christina.
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Hey. Hi, sweetie. Oh, John. Sorry I'm
late, guys. There was a little traffic
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coming over the hill.
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All right. We ready to go?
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No traffic.
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Yes. All right, let's get going.
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Married with children movie, scene one,
act one, interior bungee house, night,
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Al enters.
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God, I hate my life.
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You hate your life? I gotta fuck you.
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Daddy, Bud's downloading porn on my
computer again.
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I'm gonna get a virus.
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Don't worry, Kel. You can only get
herpes one.
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Fuck Seth Green doing here?
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What's up, Seth?
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I'm playing Bud Bundy.
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What is this? What is this? A roast or a
joke of some sort? Are you kidding me?
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Pizza guy? Yeah.
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Oh, you're playing the pizza guy? Oh,
that's cool. No, no, no, no. You.
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Huh? Pizza guy.
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They told me that they talked to you.
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That's funny. Are you part of... Well,
because they called me and they asked me
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to come in and play Bud Bundy. And I
said, well, isn't Dave going to do that?
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And they're like, oh, no, Dave's not
going to do that. You guys are kidding
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right? What am I?
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Am I on punk or something? Or am I being
candy camera? What's going on?
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It's very awkward.
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This is my comeback. This is my
opportunity to make some money. Seth
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playing Bud Bundy. I can't play it good
enough now?
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All right, you know what? This is
bullshit. Somebody get my manager on the
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right now!
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Uh, he's over there, Dee.
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Ira, please!
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Ira!
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Ira! I'm too... I mean, I'm a
professional person. I get hired quick.
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know. Don't worry about it. You're
trying to kick me off the show!
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Ira!
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When I take a job, it's because I
intended to do it.
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What? Mr.
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Director, sir, I just don't understand
what's going on here.
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Ed didn't want you.
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Katie didn't want you.
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Christina didn't want you. The studio
doesn't want you. You starting to see a
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pattern here?
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What about you? I don't get a vote. I'm
a fucking Jew.
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I'm not a fucking kosher.
83
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What's going on here? Look, now, David,
you're just going to have to calm down.
84
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And I really can't help you.
85
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Why can't you help me? Look, the truth
is, you know, you and I were really
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that close.
87
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But you were like my mother.
88
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Yeah, I was like your mother. I'm not
your mother. You're going to have to
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care of this yourself. This is a job. We
have to act professionally. I need a
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job. I know you need a job. But, you
know, you got a job. You're the pizza
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Just relax. You're the pizza guy. It's
going to be fine. It's a moment in time.
92
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How could you do that to me? Hey, Dave,
you know, listen. You know, I got no
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problem with you. You know that. I
wanted you. Okay. I'm dying to have you
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the fucking thing. But this director,
he... The director just told me you
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want me.
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This fucking asshole. You believe that?
I don't know what to believe. All I know
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is I need to eat. This was my... This
was my comeback.
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Here's the thing. Can I be honest with
you? Yeah.
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That green is pretty good.
100
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I gotta admit, a little bit. Pretty
good.
101
00:05:04,170 --> 00:05:05,069
Oh, yeah?
102
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Well, maybe you can slide me a keynote
or something, because I'm starving.
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Okay. Your cheerleaders aren't going to
bend themselves.
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What the hell? Seth, listen. Hey. Yeah,
hey. Hey.
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Wow. Crazy, huh? I'm so sorry. This is
incredibly uncomfortable.
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Oh, it's really uncomfortable. But, you
know, it's fine. We'll just, we'll find
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something for you in here and we'll
clear it up. Oh, for me?
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Yeah. Oh, I'm playing, I'm playing Bud.
109
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Listen, in all honesty, you're not. This
is my role that I did my whole life, so
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I'm going to have to go ahead and play
that role, but we'll find something
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better than Pizza Guy, maybe. Listen, I
totally appreciate that, and I
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understand the predicament that you're
in. This is not going to work for me,
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okay? Because this is my role that I've
built. I know, and what's so weird is my
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entire life, people have thought that I
was Bud Bundy, so this is sort of like
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coming full circle for me, finally
getting to play it, but in the movie
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Christina, Christina, come on. Dave,
Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave. I
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cancer, okay? So leave me alone.
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I know about the whole cancer thing, but
I really need this
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job. Really?
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Yes, I need a job. Really, you're doing
this right now?
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After everything that I've been through,
you're coming to me about this? No, I
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know you went through a lot. Like, I
could give a fuck. Are those the new
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You're a cocksucker.
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They're not the new ones, no.
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Fucking asshole.
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Fuck. Fuck.
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Please, fuck.
128
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Fuck you, Dave.
129
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Oi! You! You!
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Oi!
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Corin!
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He's giving me your pizza guy role.
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Hey, D.
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What's up? Hey, buddy. Hey.
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What can I do for you?
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Hey, listen. I just got this new gig on
a new Internet show.
11081
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