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Hi, I'm David Faustino, Bud Bundy,
Merriwood Children. This is what happens
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I drink. My money's gone, my mother's a
midget, and my wife left me for my
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neighbor, Julio. This is my best friend,
Corin Nemec, former star of TV's Parker
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Lewis Can't Lose. He did lose.
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My manager's been with me since I was in
diapers. Now he's in diapers.
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When I'm not trying to kill myself, I
run a porn shop left to me by a crazed
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fan. Oh, and I'm also freakishly short.
Thanks, God.
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Five billion dollars.
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That's a lot of money.
10
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Every time I look at that sign, I want
to jerk off all over my desk.
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So, what's a client thinking in the way
of residuals?
12
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Residuals? What the fuck are residuals?
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Like that.
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You're my kind of Jew.
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Moving on?
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You have nothing.
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Nothing?
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Nothing.
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First floor dig!
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Ready? I don't think it's a good idea.
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I'm telling you, we're going through
with this.
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You're doing it. Just, whatever you
do... Stay here. I don't want him to see
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and recognize you. Oh, come on. He's
forgotten about that by now.
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You stealing money out of his dressing
room? I didn't steal the money, Dave.
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Yeah, you did. I accidentally walked
into the wrong dressing room. Fine. Stay
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here. Okay. Don't move. Okay. Hold on.
Hold on. Hold on.
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Okay. Just do it. Okay.
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Stay here.
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All right?
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Get as much as you can.
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How's your mother? She all right? My
mother's good. She's still a midget?
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Yeah, she's still a midget. Guess what?
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She's going to stay a fucking midget.
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There's kids. There's kids.
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Be careful.
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Excuse me.
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She's a good woman. We had a little side
business.
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Hold on. Hold on.
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Just cut right to the fucking chase.
40
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Okay? I'm trying to eat.
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You wanted to say hi. I was in the
neighborhood. I knew you'd be here.
42
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How much money do you want from me?
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What's the number, you know? How much?
44
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You want me to just throw a number out
there?
45
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,460
So you're asking me to just throw a
number out?
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Well... I'm just 100 grand.
47
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Excuse me.
48
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You said $100 ,000.
49
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Is that what you just said?
50
00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:52,200
You said throw a number. I know I said
to throw a number, and you threw the
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fucking number. I just threw a number
out. What the fuck's the matter with
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How the fuck does your mind work
anymore? I need to be tightened up. It's
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rough, you know... $100 ,000?
54
00:03:01,660 --> 00:03:04,710
You're a... Fucking crazy. Well, that
would help me get me on my feet. I
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you were asking for like a hundred
bucks.
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I got in trouble with that. Yeah, but I
was just throwing a number out, just a
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ballpark figure to start. When do you
need to know the answer? When would you
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like to hear the answer?
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Now? Here's my answer, David.
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Go fuck yourself in your fucking ass.
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That's a no.
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You're like, you know, we were close.
You were like my father. Think for
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yourself. Think for yourself.
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How many fucking times have I told you?
No, I know you're not.
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My real father. I'm not your father.
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I'm not married to your midget fucking
mother.
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Okay? For starters.
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But let me ask you this then.
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Forget the money. Maybe a couple bucks
before I go. Do you still hang around
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with that fucking scumbag that used to
hang around that show with you? That
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fucking Parker asshole? No, no, no.
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Huh? Because you know how I look at this
now? I think you owe me the fucking 15
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he took out of my fucking wallet that
time. Don't think I forgot that. If I
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run into that little prick, he's going
to catch a beating from me.
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All right. You understand?
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That scumbag little fuck took my fucking
money. I agree. It's not the 15.
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That's beside the fucking point. It's
the idea.
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Look, I know. He's an asshole. And I'm
trying to clear that up.
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00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:12,800
Hey, what's up, Ed? Hello, Ed.
80
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Hey, Ed.
81
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Hey, Ed.
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Long time no see. He just had to drive
me down here.
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Hey,
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man. What's up?
85
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Mmm.
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This is good, though.
87
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What's up? Take care of yourself.
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You know I love you.
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I love you, too. It's a bad day for me
today, that's all. I was in a bad mood.
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Thanks a lot.
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Okay? You like it?
92
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Beautiful, huh?
93
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Touch my dick.
7411
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