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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,060 Hi, I'm David Faustino, Bud Bundy, Merriwood Children. This is what happens 2 00:00:03,060 --> 00:00:05,880 I drink. My money's gone, my mother's a midget, and my wife left me for my 3 00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:08,920 neighbor, Julio. This is my best friend, Corin Emmett, former star of TV's 4 00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:12,240 Parker Lewis Can't Lose. He did lose. My manager's been with me since I was in 5 00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:13,580 diapers. Now he's in diapers. 6 00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:16,980 When I'm not trying to kill myself, I run a porn shop left to me by a crazed 7 00:00:16,980 --> 00:00:19,360 fan. Oh, and I'm also freakishly short. Thanks, God. 8 00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:34,250 You have created the biggest grossing show we've ever had. Huge. 9 00:00:34,510 --> 00:00:38,250 We're really happy here at the network. I mean, you created a million, a billion 10 00:00:38,250 --> 00:00:39,410 dollar baby for us. 11 00:00:39,630 --> 00:00:40,670 Billion dollar baby. Okay. 12 00:00:41,170 --> 00:00:43,270 A billion dollar baby for us. Billion. 13 00:00:44,230 --> 00:00:46,230 Look at her right here. She's kind of entertaining. 14 00:00:46,630 --> 00:00:49,350 Yeah, I know. Look at her. She doesn't have to do anything. She doesn't have to 15 00:00:49,350 --> 00:00:50,350 do anything. Listen. 16 00:00:51,060 --> 00:00:54,720 Life, this life we have here is kind of like a relationship. 17 00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:58,480 Yeah. Where you give each other things. You pleasure each other. Yeah. For 18 00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:02,080 example. Exactly. And both of you get pleasure out of it. And you end up with 19 00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:05,239 something very pleasant, which is, in this case, money. 20 00:01:05,580 --> 00:01:09,800 What we want to do with you. What we want to do to you. Around you. Okay, 21 00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:10,798 come on. 22 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:13,420 She has to tell us who it is. 23 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:16,000 Yes. She wants to work with. Who do you want to create? 24 00:01:16,460 --> 00:01:17,540 Your next show. Anybody. 25 00:01:17,940 --> 00:01:24,000 Anybody you want. My favorite actor is Bud Bundy. And I want to create his next 26 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:25,000 show. 27 00:01:26,220 --> 00:01:27,240 She's hilarious. 28 00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:31,020 What a fucking hilarious idea. 29 00:01:32,020 --> 00:01:34,140 Brilliant. Straight delivery. 30 00:01:34,540 --> 00:01:35,820 Straight delivery. 31 00:01:41,290 --> 00:01:45,810 She's breaking shit. I will smack the shit out of you little white bitch. Hold 32 00:01:45,810 --> 00:01:46,810 it, hold it. 33 00:01:47,610 --> 00:01:49,630 Are you sure that's what you want? I want it! 34 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:15,680 Mr. Faustino, give me my money. I don't have any money. 35 00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:19,720 Give me my motherfucking money. I don't have any motherfucking money. You little 36 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:23,340 faggot cocksucker. You said you would work for free. You know I'm unemployed 37 00:02:23,340 --> 00:02:26,240 right now until I get some money. No more tamales. 38 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:28,980 Is someone going to answer the fucking phone? 39 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:30,800 I'm trying to sleep over here. 40 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:32,160 Hello? David! 41 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:34,180 David, we spent you. 42 00:02:34,540 --> 00:02:38,460 Wow. The network, we were just talking about you today. 43 00:02:38,980 --> 00:02:39,980 Who? 44 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:42,960 It's Steve. 45 00:02:43,340 --> 00:02:44,299 It's Melinda. 46 00:02:44,300 --> 00:02:46,020 Right. Dave, Dave, Dave. What? 47 00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:47,640 The network. 48 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:49,320 It's the network, Dave. The network. 49 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:50,439 The network. 50 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:53,700 Hello? Every generation a talent like yours comes along. 51 00:02:53,900 --> 00:02:59,420 So you have to give it a generation of new viewers to really appreciate 52 00:02:59,420 --> 00:03:04,420 something like you, something like what you do. So we had to wait for the right 53 00:03:04,420 --> 00:03:08,180 person, and the right person just walked into my office today. Just walked in 54 00:03:08,180 --> 00:03:09,840 today. Dave, you are so funny. 55 00:03:10,500 --> 00:03:11,500 Hilarious. Oh. 56 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:13,980 Well, yes, it is true. I have to admit. 57 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:18,200 We've been missing you. We've been missing you. We miss you. And the thing 58 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:19,380 We'll put you on the back of a milk carton. Okay. 59 00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:22,020 We've got a great producer on the line. 60 00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:23,360 What's this deal? 61 00:03:23,740 --> 00:03:27,940 She wants you to be the center of her next big show. She wants you to be the 62 00:03:27,940 --> 00:03:29,220 center. When do you want to meet me? 63 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:30,600 Today. Right now. 64 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:34,740 Yeah! Oh, she's not working. They want a show for me. They want to create a new 65 00:03:34,740 --> 00:03:36,320 show for me. I'm going to come down there right now. 66 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:37,560 I'm back! 67 00:03:46,830 --> 00:03:48,790 I gotta get ready for this meeting. It's pretty important. 68 00:03:50,090 --> 00:03:53,850 Dave, you're a star now, man. You got people to take care of that stuff for 69 00:03:53,850 --> 00:03:55,070 again. Look, you go get polished up. 70 00:03:55,610 --> 00:03:59,710 I'll bury the dead Mexican, all right? Um, Corn, she's from Puerto Rico, okay? 71 00:03:59,850 --> 00:04:00,728 She's Puerto Rican. 72 00:04:00,730 --> 00:04:02,590 That's really, that's really racist. That's just rude. 73 00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:03,728 It's because she's Latino. 74 00:04:03,730 --> 00:04:06,370 It doesn't mean she's Mexican. I'm sorry, man. Okay, apologize and chop her 75 00:04:06,370 --> 00:04:07,370 all right? 76 00:04:07,390 --> 00:04:08,390 I'm sorry. 77 00:04:08,730 --> 00:04:10,430 Really am gonna miss those tamales, though. 78 00:04:49,460 --> 00:04:53,700 Mr. Faustino, give me my money. Okay. 79 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,180 No more tamales. 80 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:02,900 I want you so bad. 81 00:05:26,289 --> 00:05:27,770 Is that how to get me to 5 -3? 82 00:05:35,370 --> 00:05:36,370 Well, 83 00:05:37,490 --> 00:05:39,270 I'm out of here, man. Wish me luck. 84 00:05:39,610 --> 00:05:43,270 Good luck, Dave, but before you go, we have to have at least one celebratory 85 00:05:43,270 --> 00:05:46,350 drink. Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not having a drink, man. That could be 86 00:05:46,350 --> 00:05:47,730 disastrous. Come on, Dave, seriously. 87 00:05:47,990 --> 00:05:51,770 Me and you, we can't have one drink like two gentlemen here to celebrate this 88 00:05:51,770 --> 00:05:54,150 amazing occasion in your life? 89 00:05:55,010 --> 00:05:56,010 You know what? 90 00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:59,370 You're right. What kind of pussies are we if we can't have one drink? Yeah, 91 00:05:59,370 --> 00:06:00,370 dude, please! 92 00:06:01,270 --> 00:06:02,270 All right! 93 00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:25,740 my only chance at a television comeback. 94 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:28,220 Dave, Dave, don't worry about it, man. You'll get another. 95 00:07:29,220 --> 00:07:30,220 Really? You think so? 96 00:07:30,380 --> 00:07:32,940 No, I highly doubt it, but we can at least have another beer. 97 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:35,079 Just one, though. 98 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:37,720 Of course, man. What are we, pussies? We can't have just one beer? 99 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,580 What kind of pussies are we if we can't just have one beer, huh? 100 00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:50,040 I... I know die so easy. 7834