All language subtitles for Heston.My.Life.with.Bipolar.2025.1080p.WEBRip.x264-1-CBFM

When I look back at
my manic moments, I don't...

My memory, for some reason,
is really clouded.

This programme contains scenes which
some viewers may find disturbing
and deals with suicide

I was at home,

I think I'd just finished
having a barbecue,

but it was just me.

And there was a knock
on the kitchen door...

LOUD POUNDING

..and it was a policeman.

I remember thinking,
"What's a policeman doing here?"

He seemed like a nice chap.

I sat down and started showing him,

I've got a photo of me,
the Queen and I, and getting my OBE.

Maybe five to ten minutes later,
there's another knock on the door.

It's another policeman.

This time,
the policeman is with five firemen -

the pompiers,
they call them in French.

And then a doctor turned up,

and he said,
"We're taking you to hospital."

And I said, "I'm not going."

I was trying to fight my way
out of it.

I had two people either side of me
hold my arms down,

and I was struggling a lot.

Then I saw the doctor pull out
this whacking great syringe.

And I just thought that was it.

I woke up and I had no idea...

..whether I was Arthur, Martha,
Tuesday, Thursday - nothing.

I thought I was in some kind
of police station

because of the room I was in.

Only when the psychiatrist came in,

she told me I was in
a psychiatric hospital.

It was a dark period.

The psychiatrist diagnosed me
as bipolar.

I was... It was a surprise.

I started to look back
more and more to my life,

pre-being sectioned,

and one of the big questions
I asked myself was,

"How come it's taken me
until my 57th year of life...

"..to discover that I have bipolar?"

Finished.
It's finished? How many...?

Ten.

Oh, hang on. I found one in the box.

I moved to the south of France
in 2018,

where I live with my wife Melanie
and bulldog Harry.

I've got really thick,
chipolata-like fingers,

and it's amazing that my food
has been really quite delicate.

I don't know how the hell
that happened.

OK, so those are done.

These are antidepressants.

These are sleeping tablets.

This one moderates my production
of dopamine and serotonin -

because if I have too much dopamine
and too much serotonin,

I can have a manic episode.

INTERVIEWER: It seems,
to an outsider, quite a lot.

It seems to ME quite a lot.
I've got to remember which ones...

And then when it changes...
I obviously...

Actually,
I've got to take it now.

I've put on a nice...
Got a nice belly from it.

SHE LAUGHS

I've gained a lot of weight,

and the speed of my voice now
is way slower

than it was, even when I wasn't
in a manic episode.

Get some water.

Bipolar is generally
extreme mood swings.

So there can be massive highs
and very deep, dark lows.

So if I... If I...
Try and imagine a graph here.

So this, the vertical,
is energy levels

and the horizontal is time.

Let's say the graph,
this vertical is here.

Most people operate...sort of
this level and do this.

Bipolar 1 basically goes like this.

So, look, we all have days
when we're a little bit high,

a little bit low.

But people with bipolar, their
mood swings are much more severe.

The lowest low is terrible.

It's severe depression,
even suicidality.

And the highs are incredibly high -

tearing around with lots of energy,
lots of ideas,

even psychotic delusions.

Symptoms of bipolar usually present
actually quite early in life,

so late teenage/early adult life.

So if somebody develops
bipolar disorder later in life,

they will have lots of questions
as to whether they've lived

an entire life having
not been treated, essentially.

ARCHIVE: It's lunchtime
in the best restaurant in Europe.

MUSIC: Club Foot
by Kasabian

But it's not in Paris, Rome,
or in the West End.

The Fat Duck in Bray, Berkshire,
has been voted the world's best.

And look how they've done it -

sardine sorbet,

bacon and egg ice cream,

and snail porridge.

From the beginning,
his creativity was through the roof.

There was always something
bubbling in his mind.

I had to bring to him
that little bit of structure,

because he was doing five or
six things at the same time, always.

People came to the restaurant
and he would be, like, hyper,

like, "Hey, yeah, bup-bup-bup!"
But he was cooking. Couldn't stop.

We were cooking differently.
He behaved differently.

He was fun.

So if you look at that whole
progression to TV programmes,

it wasn't a surprise.

He was perfect.

MUSIC: Di-gue-ding-ding
by Michel Legrand

This was a show for the BBC called
In Search Of Perfection.

We did this 2006, 2007 -
did two series.

I just laughed at
my little half-step then.

HE CHUCKLES

That's the level of my dancing.

ARCHIVE: My name is Heston,
Heston Blumenthal,

and I'm chef proprietor
of the Fat Duck restaurant in Bray.

It's funny, looking at it now,

that...some of the techniques
that we tried seem...

They seem ridiculous,
but they weren't.

I remember doing Peking Duck,
and they blow air between the skin

and the flesh to make it
really crisp...

..so we took the duck
to the petrol station...

There we go!

..and used the tyre pump
to blow air into this duck.

And we hid behind the petrol pump
so no-one saw us.

Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!

INTERVIEWER: Do you think there
were any signs of bipolar back then?

I can't think of any...

I can't think of any signs
of bipolar back then.

There were moments where
my creativity felt unstoppable.

Make sure that you put the valve
over the hole in the top of the box.

Take the vacuum cleaner.

I felt elation, really high elation,

but I didn't drop into long periods
of depression.

You read about bipolar and
how it's got the highs, the manic,

you've got the lows
and the depression.

I never saw the lows.
I didn't see those.

He was - 99.9% of the time - up.

INTERVIEWER: How would you describe
those periods of intense creativity?

Er...

I describe... I think it's
a bit like a kid in a sweet shop.

The shop is full of these delicious
sweets, and you want all of them.

Then the roof opens,
and somebody just rains down on you

all the sweets
that you could possibly want.

They're just raining down on you.

That's what it's like in my head.

Ideas would be flowing
really, really quickly.

It might involve pairing ingredients

that are very surprising
to put together.

It might involve listening
to something while you're eating,

smelling something while
you're listening to something

while you're eating.

Looking back at it,
was that creativity down to bipolar?

I have no idea.

When we're talking about mood,
mood can go in any direction.

Like everything,
everything's on a spectrum.

So in the middle,
bang in the middle,

is mood being stable -
or euthymic, we say.

The mood can go a little bit low.

It can become severely low - so
mild, moderate, severe depression.

In the other direction, it can
go into hypomania or mania.

Hypomania is when there is
the mood elevating a little bit,

there's a bit more energy.

Maybe we're not sleeping. Maybe
we're becoming a bit more creative.

Often patients do say,
"I really enjoy my mania.

"I hate the depressions.

"I much prefer the hypomania
or even the manic states."

PHONE RINGS

Chief! Hey, Heston.
Are you all right?

Hey, have you still got
your Christmas tree up?

LAUGHS: Yeah. Yes.

When I first came out of hospital,
at the beginning,

it felt like I was slightly
zombified from the medication.

I've changed a lot in the sense of

my massive highs and lows
have been ironed out.

I'm much calmer,
don't have those manic phases.

We went to that lighter foam
on our last tasting,

so it was more seafoody.

Yeah, the foam before, to me,
it worked cos it was...

It had a strong lemon/thyme
character to it.

I think, because we're talking about
the beetroot and the heart of palm,

they're not up to
what the other dishes can be.

It was a year ago
he was out of the clinic.

And the first thing
that I told him is,

"Look, we have to rebuild everything
bit by bit."

I think it's the scariest thing
that can happen to any human being.

Who is not scared to lose his mind
and have to go through this process?

I was thinking,
"Was I in manic phase, mania,

"when I was creating those dishes?"

I don't know, but it would...
It would make sense.

And if the manic phases
was when I did all the creativity

and imagination, what happens next?

Erm... I don't know.

Coolio.
All right. Excellent. Thanks!

All right. See you. Bye!

INTERVIEWER: Are you at all worried

that you might not get
that creativity back?

Yes.

Yeah, I am.

I've come back to the UK
to check in on my restaurants.

I'm staying in Bray,
next door to the Fat Duck.

I'm wondering what my life
will be like

now my mood is more under control...

..so I've invited over psychiatrist
Dr Nick Prior.

Nick. Hi, Heston. Great to meet you.
Great to meet you.

Yeah, yeah. Real pleasure.

Nick has bipolar himself,

so he understands the situation
both as a doctor and as a patient.

You know, there was a lot of
mental health in my family.

My... My mother has bipolar.

She has made some quite serious
attempts on her life.

It had a big, big influence
on my life,

a big influence on my relationship
with her.

And her mother,
she committed suicide and...

Or what we now call
completed suicide.

I get suicidal thoughts,
but they're what we would call

in psychiatry talk
kind of passive suicidal thoughts.

So I'm lying in bed,
can hardly leave my bedroom,

and I'm just thinking how hopeless
and I'm not...

"I'm worthless
and I should just evaporate.

"I wish I could just evaporate."

Yes. But it's not writing a note
or actually harming myself.

I've never gotten to that point.
No. Me neither.

I am fascinated about, you know,
what it must feel like at your age

to suddenly have this point
of reflection.

Did you find that some of
your great breakthroughs

did come in spurts of creativity
and energy?

I think so. Yeah. Yeah.

So do you think
I should be worried about

whether the medication I'm taking
could have a negative effect

on my imagination and creativity?

So this is a good,
an important question,

especially given your background,
Heston.

What we do know is that bipolar
can create certain environments

for the individual.

Being disinhibited and having
a higher risk appetite...

Yes. ..allows you to do things
that other people won't try,

so that creates an increased chance
of potentially some moments

of beauty and creativity.

I would argue that
the sacrifice you make

by allowing the bipolar
to go rampant,

and potentially you have
these moments of brilliance,

does have a negative impact.

And that's one of the main reasons
that I take my medication,

I do therapy, I look after myself,

is because I want to be
a consistent, loving husband

and father to my wife and my kids.

Yes. And I think if I were you,
I'd be thinking,

"I've had that fire.
I've had those enlightened moments.

"I've created some things amazing.

"And actually, maybe this phase of
my life is about consolidating

"some of those things
and not searching for it again,"

potentially. But I don't know
how you feel about that.

Can you sit with mediocrity,
being mediocre?

Is that something,
a word that you find difficult?

NICK LAUGHS

Look at my lips.

Erm... Er...

Yes.

He is still on a journey,
he knows that,

and he is still asking questions.

And I feel quite...

You know, that's the best place
for a patient to be in.

I also really did feel the anxiety
and nervousness

around the use of medication
and creativity,

especially given the career
that he's had.

APPLAUSE

It's Heston Blumenthal,
ladies and gentlemen!

Heston, is it "Blumen-thal"
or "Blumen-tal"?

"Bloomin' hell". "Bloomin' hell"?
LAUGHTER

Next thing you know,
he's just becoming huge, right?

He's becoming Heston.

My name became a brand.

ARCHIVE: We're going to use
four cheeses in this sauce.

VOICEOVER: I had a range of foods
in Waitrose.

I had a range of barbecues.

I had a range of kitchen equipment.

I mean, everything, when I look back
at it, was going full throttle.

Got back yesterday.
I was in Australia.

Very busy time over there.

Landed crack of dawn, quick shower,
came over here.

I've got the Fat Duck, the
Perfectionists' Cafe at Heathrow,

Dinner in the Mandarin in London.

Dinner in Australia,
and the Hinds Head in Bray,

plus all the TV shows.

There was always something
to be worked on.

CHEERING

REPORTER: This was all about
thanking those who'd organised

her Diamond Jubilee celebrations.

This is the first time
I've seen the actual hamper.

We tried to get one of these
for today, and they've...

They haven't given you one?
They've all sold out.

There it is - the largest soft serve
99 plus flake in the world!

VOICEOVER: I ended up becoming
a hamster on a wheel.

And I self-medicated with cocaine.

I didn't realise
I was self-medicating at the time,

but I was....
I was absolutely self-medicating.

And the more time goes on
since I've come out of hospital,

the more I can see
how extreme those days were.

It reached a point where I started
to worry about my mental health.

I knew that I had a busy head,

but I didn't know if it was
more busy than anyone else's head.

So I looked up
whether I was autistic.

I'd done some research
on various neurodiverse conditions.

But I didn't even think
about bipolar.

And then this doctor
that I'd met at a dinner

said he thinks I've got ADHD.

So I then went and got myself
tested. And that was in 2017.

Well, the ADHD diagnosis,
it explained quite a lot of things.

It explained enough for me to live
with it, if that makes sense. So...

Mm.

So it can take sometimes - in fact,
we know on average - about ten years

to get a diagnosis of bipolar,
certainly in the UK.

That's really complicated as to why.

Partly because people who are
presenting with symptoms,

maybe clinicians who see them
say it's just depression,

it's not bipolar.

They haven't fully identified

that it was a hypomanic episode
or even a manic episode.

And they're not tying
the symptoms together

to form a bipolar diagnosis.

Receiving a diagnosis of bipolar
is quite scary, it's stigmatising.

But actually, we have to also
remember it's completely treatable.

Over the last few weeks,

my psychiatrist has switched me
to a different drug, lithium,

and I'm starting to feel sharper.

But I still don't understand

how other creative people
have kept their spark...

..so I've come to Letchworth
to meet artist Sarah Graham,

who was diagnosed with bipolar
in 2015.

Hello, Sarah. Hello!
How are you doing?

Lovely to meet you.
Lovely to meet you too.

Welcome to my studio.
Wow!

SARAH LAUGHS

Look at this.

Look at the texture on that.

Fantastic!

So I'm a photorealist,
and my art is very colourful

and bold and out there and...

You know, and I think
that reflects that side of me. Yeah.

But then with my bipolar,

I've suffered really significantly
with depression.

Were you... Cos you're so creative,

were you scared of
losing that creativity at any point?

Terrified, yeah.

Were you worried about the effect
that the medication would have?

It's such an interesting question,

because I know a lot of people feel
that medication dumbs them down.

And, you know,
I have not been short of ideas. No?

Particularly recently, I've come up
with all these new ideas

to take my work in a new direction,

and I'm on an antidepressant, a mood
stabiliser, and an anti-psychotic.

Sarah was hospitalised due to a
manic episode that led to psychosis,

when you lose touch with reality

and become convinced of things
that just aren't true.

My mania was reaching a crescendo.

I thought I was going to be meeting

the Queen and Prince Philip
for breakfast.

Yeah? They were going to be
thanking me for this... Yeah.

..you know, what I'd done,
in my role as an MI5 spy?

Of course. Erm...

THEY LAUGH

And, you know, I can...
Like, I can laugh about it now,

cos it is... There are parts of it
that are very...

You know, it's just wild
where my brain went.

But I... There was a guy
that I wanted to meet

the Queen and Prince Philip
with me...

Yeah. ..and I was trying to
get his attention.

He was up in his flat, and I...

There was a lorry
coming down the street,

and I got in the road
and lay down in front of the lorry

to try and get this guy
to pay attention to me.

Lots of people called the police.

I mean, this was happening
around 6.00am in the morning.

Like... Of course it was. Yeah.

I hadn't slept for 24 hours
at this point. Yeah.

Seven police officers turned up...
Yeah. ..and sectioned me...

They just took you to hospital?
..and off I went in an ambulance.

Yeah.

There was a weird dichotomy.

I knew I was in
a psychiatric hospital... Yeah.

..I knew I didn't want to be there,

but I also thought
I had superpowers,

and I thought the hospital was an
academy for people with superpowers.

My consciousness was kind of
acting out these two realities,

and I was so kind of...

I made a friendship bracelet
for Putin.

THEY LAUGH

That is brilliant.

In my mind, I was capable of...
BOTH: World peace.

I know that sounds...
No. No, it doesn't sound...

To me, it doesn't sound...
Doesn't sound...

I'm smiling because... Yeah.
..you know, I can relate to it.

I didn't start wearing my underpants
over my trousers, by the way.

I haven't gone that far!

THEY LAUGH

Despite the drama
of her manic episode,

it is depression which Sarah feels

had the more profound impact
on her life,

and she's keen to share with me
exactly how she felt.

This was in 2015.

I was in the middle of depression.

SOBBING: I know that
you're recording.

MAN: Good.

Why are you doing that?

So we can look back on it
when you're better.

There's a reason that
the Monopoly went missing -

cos I'm jinxed.

It's got nothing to do with you.

People that work with me...get hurt.

You know, it's...

ON VIDEO: People who try to help me
get hurt.

It's all these negative beliefs...
Yeah.

..that, you know, anyone listening
to me can see it's...

ON VIDEO: I'm jinxed. I give up!

Can you...?

Can you remember all of that?
Yeah. You can?

Yeah.

ON VIDEO: ..but it's not genuine,
cos in here, I'm an empty vessel.

That was a four-month-long
depression in the end.

And I was like that for four months.
Oh, my God! Yeah.

I think that's amazing, that
you can bring yourself to show...

..to show that. Really powerful.
Yeah.

But, you know, it's an illness. Yes.

I have been to the darkest places
I think anyone can go to... Go, yes.

..and I've come through
the other side, and it's empowering.

I was surprised by Sarah's honesty
talking about her darkest moments.

It's something I've never
spoken about publicly.

INTERVIEWER: Do you find it hard
to talk about depression?

Yeah, I do. I do... I do find it...

I do find it difficult
to talk about depression.

So this next clip is from a show

you've previously told me
you found difficult.

Helena! Hello.
So what are you doing?

I'm making toffee apples
with a twist.

And what's the twist?
It's got a savoury centre.

Are you putting any unexpected
combinations in this? Yes.

You are? Yes, I am. Oh, yes!

My biggest thing with this show...

..I was no good on there.

My mind was like...

..hollow. I don't know...
I don't know how to express it.

I was tired as well, so I was...

In the breaks, I was laying down
on the sofa in my dressing room,

listening to tutored meditation
in the gaps,

just to try and get my mind into
a different space, cos it was...

It was in a dark, really dark place.

I was probably quite
heavily depressed then.

I wondered if I...

"If there was a gun here,
would I use it?"

But there wasn't. And then I...

I thought of other ways
of ending it,

and then decided at the end
that I wasn't ready for that.

But they all went through my head.

Can we stop that one there?
Yep.

If you have bipolar
and it's untreated,

it's potentially really dangerous.

You know, the depressions
can become so severe

that somebody becomes suicidal.

And the manias equally can become
really quite severe.

And both depression and mania
can keep coming back

and have profound impacts
on somebody's quality of life.

So actually, the illness gets worse
if it's untreated over many years,

over many decades.

Looking back,

I can now see that my mood swings
were becoming more extreme.

The depression gave way to what
I now know were periods of mania.

So coming back to
the sweet shop analogy,

with hindsight,
when I was in a manic state,

there were so many ideas.

So it's raining sweets.

The imagination was running so fast,
you can't catch them all.

I couldn't turn one of them
into something creative...

..because it was being interrupted
by another piece of imagination.

And it's just not good generally.

INTERVIEWER: So, Heston,
what I'm going to play for you now

is an interview you did
for BBC Click,

which is a technology show,
back in 2020.

OK, and this will be interesting
to watch because...

..I don't remember it.

I think it's time to get a view
from someone who is world-famous

at using science and tech
in the kitchen.

It's only Heston Blumenthal!
Hey, Heston. How are you doing?

I'm very good. How are you?
Yeah, all right.

Thank you very much. Getting used to
this new normal... "All right"?

All right?

My word!

So I'll come on to this in a bit,

but one of the great strengths
of human beings

is their ability to connect.

We have human beings
and human doings.

So we have a sympathetic
and parasympathetic nervous system.

So we have a relationship
with ourselves

like Alice In Wonderland -
Big Me, Mini Me.

All he asked me... He's asked me
one question, "How are you?"

That's it.

So we've got to grow up
and go to school and go to work

and get degrees and earn some money
and have a pension

and do all of these things...

And I'm going through a whole
kind of evolution of human beings.

ON VIDEO: Now, language...

HE SIGHS

In Tibet, they have
72,000 different words for emotions,

but it's not enough.

I just haven't stopped talking yet.
I haven't come up for air.

Must be breathing through my ears
or something.

I... You can edit this out,
actually, if you want.

Well, I mean, I have to say...

I mean, this is... This is fabulous.
This is not what I was expecting.

Do you remember what this interview
was supposed to be about?

No. I'm sure you'll tell me.

I can't even guess.

I mean, was it about the evolution
of human beings?

No, it was about whether you could
use robot arms in kitchens.

Was that what it was about?
Yeah.

We're about half an hour in
and we haven't got there yet.

I could answer that
really easily now.

I think if we use robots
to do the jobs that human beings...

Oh, no. I'll leave it.

When Newton...
When the apple fell from the tree,

it took him ten years
between that and his formula,

but he didn't actually
consider the fact

that the Earth was also spinning up
to the apple.

Oh, no!

When you look at a fire flickering,
or sunlight flickering on the sea,

or moonlight on the sea,
and you listen to music...

It's like I was trying to condense
a whole book into...

I don't know, I don't know,
but it's... It's full-on.

ON VIDEO: ..dance, the music,
and the...

Would you say this is footage of you
when you're manic?

Yes.

I want to put the shadow back into
the sunlight.

I want to put the inside out
back into the outside in.

I want to put the being
back into the human.

What about our relationship?

If you hate your telephone,
don't blame it on the phone.

Actually...look at your relationship
with the telephone.

To live with me,

if I was talking like that
all the time...

I think that brings me...
That brings tears to my eyes,

because of the thought
of what they had to put up with...

..the potential that I might have...

..upset, troubled,
worried, emotionally harmed

the people that love me
and that I love.

Do you think you might have done?

Well, certainly...
Certainly Melanie, because...

..she saw it escalate.

What impact do you think...

..your manic highs
had on your children?

Er... That's a good question.

I don't know,
cos I haven't asked them.

Is that something you'd be prepared
to do?

Is that something we should do?

Yeah, we should ask them.

Hello! We should be there
in 20 minutes.

See you. Bye.

I'm off to see Jack, my son...

..who's about 15 minutes
down the road from Bray, in Marlow,

and he's opened his own restaurant.

Service, please!

I'm slightly nervous.

Maybe I don't want to know
the answers to some of my questions

I'm going to ask - you know,
what was it like?

All right? How are you?
Likewise, I'm good, thanks.

So I've done
a sort of master interview,

and Joe, who's interviewing me,
said,

"What do your kids think
of your bipolar?"

And I stopped and thought,
"I haven't spoken to them about it,"

until now.

You know, we found it difficult
as a family.

Obviously, you're kind of
keeping everything together.

It's nice now to have...
not a label on it,

but something we can refer back to
and think,

"Oh, he wasn't just being a dick,"
type of thing.

Yeah. We just wanted a relaxing
conversation with our dad,

and we weren't allowed to have one.

Cos I just didn't... You just didn't
want... Exactly. You didn't want it.

You didn't want to know
anyone's thoughts.

I just don't think you gave a shit.

I'd say, "Yeah, we're all right,
we're just doing this."

And you would just
literally talk over

and then go, "I'm doing this, that,
that, that, that, that.

"I'm going to change the world."

It always started off really well
for a few minutes,

and then it just turned...

A few minutes? Yeah. I had to walk
away sometimes. I had to go like,

"We're not doing this."

And every time you'd probably try to
hype ourselves up to come see you,

and it was like a massive...
I'm so sorry.

If we planned it three weeks
in advance,

mentally just getting prepared
just to see you for half an hour.

It was horrible.
And it was constant.

And there was nothing I could do
to help you.

Get myself together.
Yeah.

Erm... Come.
You know, talking about this...

this happened.

And I realised...

..it's...

..not...not me being bipolar,
or it is me being bipolar,

it's damaging the people I love.

The people around me.

So I'm sorry.

All right.

Right.

And I don't think you have to
say that, because we know.

We know you kind of were in a bit
of a world of your own

on certain points,

and this conversation needs
to be had, isn't it?

I think. Because we're...
Yes.

But I just want you to know
that I love you.

I forgive you for everything.
I'm really proud to be your son.

I'm just waiting for my lips
to stop quivering.

I want to thank you.
Thank you for this.

I want you to know
how sincerely sorry I am.

I love you.

I love you, my children, so much.

And I can see it now.

Should we hug it out?
Come on.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Now I can see how distant I became
as a father.

I didn't realise I was hurting
any of my kids in those moments,

but that can be changed now.
So this is a really big...

..turn of a page.

INTERVIEWER: I know this is
difficult, but I'd like to talk

about the time just before
you were sectioned.

Erm...

HE SIGHS

..my perception of the days
leading up to my hospitalisation

and the reality that I've since
learned from Melanie

are really quite different,
quite different pictures.

At this point,
we are in mid-October,

between September and October, yeah.

And I just feel everything
escalating.

The levels of energy,
the sensitivity, let's say,

the way of reacting to things.

I didn't really see that
there was anything wrong.

I was in a good mood.

I was really...
I was thinking I was happy.

You could see that he was
all over the place.

I went to visit Heston in France.

I had no idea things were
spiralling out of control.

I had no idea about that.

Pretty much from the get go,
he was hyper.

Heston's dog Harry. One of these
days that we were there,

he was stood there and he was like,
"Yeah, I've been working on

"this thing where I talk to him
telepathically."

And I was like, "OK."

And he's like,
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, watch.

"Look at the dog, look at the dog,
look at the dog,

you know, "watch this."

He felt this was, you know,
important and...and real.

He seemed obviously intense

and his train of thought
was different.

He wasn't sleeping any more,
but at all. At all.

He had ideas,

but the ideas were
a kind of nonsense.

Yeah, I had these feelings of,
I'd say, grandiosity,

or I was like Superman.

I believed that I could
change the world.

For example, I thought I could
solve the water crisis

by getting everyone access
to clean drinking water.

TV chef Heston Blumenthal
shocked the world today

by bringing an end
to the water crisis.

It comes just days after he
successfully brokered world peace.

How the hell was I going to do that
all by myself? I don't know.

But I believed in it.

He was starting to lock himself
in his universe,

and we were absolutely disconnected.

Something changed.

He started to really being
obsessed with,

"Yes, I need to organise my will."

OK. Anyone can do that.

Erm... "But why I do not organise
my death?

"We have a connection with
the number seven,

"so why not in seven years?"

And then it turns like,
"Why we don't do it together?"

It's just... Something is not OK.

At this point, for me,
these things were not OK.

It sort of feels a bit weird
to sort of say it out loud,

but...Heston's one of those people
that I sort of thought

that maybe at some point
I'd get that phone call,

that he wasn't, you know,
he hadn't done well.

I had that feeling.

He started to have
this hallucination.

I just saw this gun on the table.

I was inquisitive, I'd say.

Er...I touched it.
I didn't pick it up.

Afterwards, I wondered if it was
actually a real gun on the table,

would I have used it?

And I asked myself this question.

I'd like to think
I wouldn't have done.

But I don't know. Erm...

That just... That disturbed Melanie.

You realise that he's started
to really be a danger to himself.

Unfortunately, you can't
bring someone to reason

to follow you to the hospital.

There's just one way.
It's, er... Yeah.

Calling the medical team to see
if they section him or not.

It's a lot of guilt.

It's a lot of guilt.
It's a lot of questions. It's...

Me, I had to keep in my mind, like,
"He's going to hate me.

"He's going to hate me."

But at this point,
if I left him like that,

it could be also not helping him?

Looking at him...

..I don't know, dying? Because
it was that, we were on this point.

Erm...

Yeah, it's, it's... It's tough.

I spent two weeks
in the psychiatric hospital,

then moved to a specialist clinic
for six weeks,

so it was a total of two months.

Would I have sectioned myself?
No way.

But she had to do it for me
and for herself as well.

Looking back at it...

..the alternative was not an option,

because I wouldn't be here
any more.

My bipolar had to progress to a
point where I was a danger to myself

before anyone could raise the alarm.

Being known for my energy
and creativity

might have made people less likely
to question my behaviour.

It's estimated that
one in three people with bipolar

only get their diagnosis
after being hospitalised,

so I've been speaking openly
about my condition

to help raise awareness.

I'm in a lucky position

that I have a platform...

..to...to actually spread the word

to make people more aware
of the condition.

Lovely to see you. Lovely to see
you, guys. Take care.

What kind of impact, then,
has the diagnosis had on you?

The more time passes
since I came out of hospital,

the more I can look back and think,

"Oh, my God,
that behaviour wasn't normal."

I mean, how are you now?

They've been reducing my...

Er, the doctor's reducing
my medication,

but I feel I'm stabilising,
which is...which is really good.

Heston, thanks so much.

Really appreciate you talking
so openly. Thank you.

Afterwards, I was overwhelmed
by the number of people

who got in touch to share
their own stories.

Many told me about the poor level
of support they've received.

There are an estimated 1 million
people with bipolar here in the UK.

Are we doing enough
to look after them?

So this is the main BBC newsroom.

It's one of the biggest newsrooms
in the world.

In the world? Yeah. What's...?
That's the studio over there?

That's one of the news studios.

If you walk in the background
of that one,

then you can be sometimes seen.

Health investigations reporter
Chloe Hayward

has spent months researching
bipolar care,

talking to patients
up and down the country.

More people have bipolar
in this country than have dementia.

But when I sent emails to
NHS England saying, "Please can

"I have some information around
the number people with bipolar,

"the number of beds
for people with bipolar,"

it was, like, "We're really sorry,
we can't give you that information,

"but we can give it to you
for dementia and schizophrenia."

So do you think the health service
are not doing enough?

I think when it comes to bipolar,

there is a lot of capacity
to do more.

One of the key things is the fact
that in this country,

it's total pot luck.

Where you live reflects
how good your care is.

This map - so this is the number
of psychiatrists available

per 100,000 people in the country.

So in Scotland, you've got 22
per 100,000 people.

And think how spread out
Scotland is.

So the distances people are having
to travel to try and get that care.

Yeah. But when you look at Wales
and the south west -

so Wales less than 17, south west
less than 16 psychiatrists

per 100,000 of the population.

And we're not talking about
just psychiatrists

that are looking after people
with a bipolar diagnosis.

We're talking about people
with dementia,

people with schizophrenia,

we're talking about people
with depression.

And of course, you need
a psychiatrist to get a diagnosis.

Absolutely. You cannot get a bipolar
diagnosis without seeing

a psychiatrist in this country.

So what's the result of this poor
level of care regarding bipolar?

The numbers are very stark
in terms of quality of life

and outcome for life.

So the number of people
taking their own lives,

who have a bipolar diagnosis,
is on the rise.

So quite in contrast
to overall population rates,

where actually
the suicide rates are falling.

I thought Chloe said some things
that were really quite disturbing.

I mean, the sheer lack of
psychiatrists that we've got

in this country means that people,
to get a diagnosis,

they have to wait for years.

And when you consider
you've got the manic highs,

where they can be wonderful
for people to do some

very dangerous things,
and then you get the manic lows

where you have attempted
or actual suicide.

It's really dangerous.
It's a terrible situation.

Chloe has suggested
I come to Clacton-on-Sea

to meet a family
that's experienced this first-hand.

Rebecca McLellan,
a student paramedic,

was diagnosed with bipolar aged 22.

My bipolar right now
be popping, right?

I'm in a mixed episode.
It's been like it for a few weeks.

All in a day's work, if you like.

But just two years later,

in her flat in Ipswich,
she died by suicide.

Her mother, Natalie, feels that
the poor care Rebecca received

contributed to her death.

So, Natalie, tell me about Rebecca.

Well, where do you start
about Rebecca?

I'll show you some photographs
of her,

because it's important for you
to see who she was.

Lovely smile.
She did.

She was always smiling
when she was well.

She was a very bright, funny,
beautiful, well thought of person.

There's some beautiful
photographs here.

Yeah. I don't think she really took
a bad one.

When did you first realise
Rebecca was struggling?

She was about 21 at that point,
when she actually first went to

the doctors and said, "I think
there's something going on."

So she was aware and started to try
and do something about it?

She did, yeah. Yeah.
She went and talked to them.

I think she thought that they were
going to give her

some antidepressants and off she'd
go. I don't think for one second

she thought that she was going to
get the diagnosis that she did,

and she didn't get it straight away
either.

It wasn't until 2022 that she
was actually diagnosed with bipolar.

Yeah.

Over the next year,

Rebecca tried various medications
to manage her bipolar,

but they proved ineffective,

and her wellbeing started
to deteriorate.

So we get to sort of May '23,

and she had serious
suicidal ideation.

She was telling them
that she was suicidal.

She didn't tell anyone else.

She was having massive depressive
episodes at that point,

and she was ringing the mental
health unit saying, "I need help.

"I need someone to ring me back.
I need to come in."

And what happens? Nothing.
Nothing? They didn't...

They didn't call her back. They
didn't get back in touch with her.

And that takes us to
the 7th of August.

She presented herself at
the Mental Health Crisis Unit,

and that was where she'd been
referred to by her GP.

That was where they told her to go
if she was in crisis.

She begged for help.

They... I've got video footage

of them talking over her
for six minutes.

I'll play you the video.

ON VIDEO: I can't,
I can't go to A&E.

I work for the Ambulance Service.
I'm not going over to A&E.

Like I say, I don't care who it is,

any kind of mental health
professional,

any kind of mental health
professional.

It doesn't even have to be
my team, a psychiatrist, anything.

I'm not going to go over it again.

Every single time I get promised
a call back,

and nothing, and literally
nothing ha... And nothing...

..but you are going to need to see,

if there is nobody available to see
you, and I'm sorry about that.

I saw my GP on Wednesday.

Erm, she called personally herself,
raising her concerns.

I'd actually called the day before,
and they said that they'd call me

and have me in,
and things have reached that point,

and I don't mean to be a bitch,

but I'm not leaving
until I speak to someone.

Because we'll call police
or security.

Please do. I just need to speak
to anyone at all.

I need speak to someone.
Anyone at all.

"I'll call the police."
Yeah. It's outrageous.

It's outrageous. She's just been
kicked away. Yeah.

God.
Yeah.

And that's really difficult
to watch.

Really difficult. Sorry.

Sorry.

I saw her about a week and a half
later,

and they'd put her on
an antidepressant at that point.

In the following months,
Rebecca's mental health improved,

but after a suspected adverse
reaction to one of her medications,

her psychiatrist insisted that
she switched to lithium instead.

Lithium is a safe
and effective treatment,

but requires careful management.

She was terrified of lithium.

You have to titrate off
of all of your drugs.

Yeah. Then go on to the lithium.
I've gone through that.

I think she thought that she was
going to have to do that

with no mental health support,

because that's
what she'd experienced.

That was her whole experience,

that she was going to be
titrated off of everything...

With no support.
No support.

She'd rang them back and said,

"I really don't want
to go on lithium."

She rang them and contacted them
several times over a couple of days.

They were supposed to
come back to her,

and they didn't come back to her.

And then she took her life
on the 20th.

She thought that she had no option.

You know?
I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

It's not easy. No, it can't be. No.

And I think, erm...

..losing her... Yeah. ..is awful.

Losing her when something could have
been done about it,

or certainly her suffering
could have been less... Yeah.

..is, erm, far worse.

You know, she, on paper, had it all,
Heston. And I think,

like yourself, you know,
she was successful,

she was popular, she was doing
the career she wanted,

she had a flat, she had a nice car.
Yeah. She had it all.

But actually, that doesn't mean
that it can't take you,

it can't take over your life
if it's not managed correctly.

And actually, all she wanted
was some help to manage it properly.

And I try not to be bitter,
but I get very angry.

She absolutely suffered
more than she needed to suffer.

And that's, you know, that's a fact.

That's a fact. That's tough.

You don't ever want your children
to suffer. That...

I don't...

It's tough. It's really tough.
Yeah.

And this must be really close to
the bone for you because this

is what you live, just like she did,
you know?

And you're not on your own.

Other people are out there
feeling the same. Yeah, exactly.

That was an eye-opener, for sure.

Erm, I was lucky in that,
with my sectioning,

I was being monitored, and then
afterwards, I had support.

But the nature of this condition,

if there isn't the care,
the support network,

around individuals with bipolar...

then... Look at Rebecca.
People will take their lives.

And the longer it takes
to get this sorted out,

the more lives will be lost.

We are letting people down in the UK
who have bipolar disorder.

Someone with bipolar untreated
can die

at least 10 or 15 years earlier
than the general population.

And that's a real tragedy
and that doesn't need to happen.

You can have a perfectly beautiful,
normal life.

Sadly, we just don't have
the structures

and the services
that support patients,

so that's what we need to change.

Picked a nice day for it, Heston.
Yeah, it's lovely.

Over the last 30 years,
The Fat Duck has shaped me

more than anything else in my life.

Funnily enough,

maybe the hardest thing of all
in the recovery process

when I was in hospital is that
it took me away from the restaurant.

OK, here we go.

Hello! How are you?
I'm very good. Nice to see you.

Good to see you.
Hey, how's it going?

How are you? Good. Hi, chaps.
Chapettes. Chapesses.

When we started making
this programme,

I was concerned, apprehensive,
let's say,

that maybe my creativity
and my imagination would go,

would disappear.

Hey, how's it going? How are you?
Yeah, good, man.

Hi, chaps.
Hello, Chef.

But I'm still full of creativity,
imagination,

and happy to be alive.

This is snail porridge.
The famous snail porridge.

Was I worried for him? Yeah.

But I can only see him getting
more positive from here.

That's who he is.

Backs, please.

And now I've got my husband,

who is waking up with a smile,
who is motivated.

It's a process, but it's a good one.
It's a good one.

So this is the chocolate room.

I still have bipolar,
and I had bipolar before,

I just don't have
those manic states.

Never a million miles away from
a jug of liquid nitrogen here.

The peaks of my manic highs
have shrunk

and the depths of the lows
have risen.

But I'm still Heston.

Want to know more about
the lived experience of bipolar?

Watch the Open University's
new animation,

which brings a personal account
to life.

Scan the QR code on screen
or visit...

..and follow the links

to the Open University.