All language subtitles for family_ties_s06e14_the_american_family_1

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love
each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

As you all know, Lauren is doing a paper
on the American family, and as you also

may know, she's chosen us to be her case
study. So I want you all to answer the

question to the best of your ability,
all right?

Mom and Dad, feel free to refer to any
old photo albums.

Mallory may need the aid of a thesaurus.

Or if Nick comes by, he may wish to
express himself through cave paintings.

Any questions?

Yeah, who said you can do all the
talking?

All right, all right, sorry.

It's fine.

Go ahead, honey.

Are there any questions before I get
started with my questions? Ooh, ooh,

Um, Ms. Miller, um, you picked us as a
typical American family.

Mm -hmm.

Uh, does this mean you, you, you find me
to be typical? Because, uh, because I,

I've always kind of prided myself on not
being typical. You know what I mean?

Not normal.

You've succeeded at that.

Okay, Mr. and Mrs. Keaton, I'll start
with you.

Because after all, if it wasn't for the
two of you, this family wouldn't even be

here.

What does she mean by that?

Because they're the mommy and daddy.

How did they get to be the mommy and
daddy?

They won a raffle.

Okay, when you first met, did it ever
occur to you that your life would turn

this way?

I mean, was having a family always the
main goal?

Well, when I met Alif, it was truly
magical. The first time I laid eyes on

I knew we'd be together forever.

I swear, at that moment, time and space
did not exist.

Just us.

Is it any wonder I find him so
attractive?

How come you didn't inherit any of your
father's romantic side?

Hey, come on. Me?

You're kidding. I'm on the FBI's 10 most
romantic list.

Violins play wherever I go.

Try leaving the room, see if the music
starts up.

Okay, so then after the two of you met
and you fell in love, did things go as

you hoped they would?

I mean, would you say that your life is
the fulfillment of a dream that the two

of you set out for yourselves?

But there were a lot of surprises along
the way.

Can you give me an example?

Well, when I found out that I was
pregnant with Andy, that was a surprise.

A delightful surprise.

Are you okay?

Oh, sure, I'm fine.

I just couldn't sleep. I was so excited.

How are you two feeling?

Fine. Fine. How are you?

I had a little trouble sleeping. I can't
stop thinking.

About what?

At least I'm 40 years old. I'm about to
become a father again.

Last time I changed a diaper, Richard
Nixon was president.

Thought I'd seen the last of both of
them.

You know what I keep realizing?

What? We're going to have to start
watching Sesame Street again.

Romper Room.

Mr. Rogers.

I like Mr. Rogers.

I have to start going to the zoo.

Pony rides.

Birthday parties.

Sterilizing baby bottles.

Tripping over toys.

Before you know it, the terrible twos
will be upon us. Remember when Alex used

to run around the house all the time
going, mine, mine.

He never really outgrew that, did he?

Seems like such a long time ago.

I know.

I've been doing some calculations.

When the baby's 10, I'll be 50.

When the baby's 20, I'll be 60.

When the baby's 30, I'll be 70.

Stephanie's a little old to have a baby,
isn't it?

It won't be a baby when it's 30.

I guess you're right.

When the baby's 40, Jennifer will be 51.

I'm sorry, I'm just not used to the
idea.

Neither am I.

It's a nice idea to get used to, isn't
it?

I wish the kids were more excited.

Oh, they'll come around. Who could not
love a beautiful newborn baby?

Besides, it gives it someone else to
pick on.

You know, there's one other thing about
this we haven't mentioned.

It's going to be real expensive.

I find it absolutely the sexiest thing
in the world.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, come on, cut it out.
You know, that's how you got into

trouble in the first place.

supposed to sleep, Mom? I'm about to
become a brother for the third time.

It's not going to happen tonight, Alex.

It's not, is it, Elise?

I can almost guarantee it.

What's in the package?

Oh, it's something I picked up for the
little guy.

Pull the string.

to get one of these for myself.

This little toy reminds me of when you
were a baby.

Alex, do you remember that song we used
to sing to you when you were little? It

was your favorite one and it always made
you smile. Yeah, yeah. Uh, we're in the

money. No.

Don't you remember it was, um, I'm a
little teapot short and stuck. Come on,

a hold on yourself. Here is the hand up,
here is the stuff.

When I get all steamed up, dear me.

This is going to be a long nine months.

We thought about having a little brother
or sister.

We decided that it could be a lot of
fun.

Yeah, the family needs a little shaking
up anyway.

Thank you, honey. This is beautiful.

Well,

it's getting pretty late.

I think we'd better call it a night,
huh?

Oh, yeah.

It

did

seem like a long nine months.

But when Andy was born, it was an
incredible thrill for us all.

Especially Alex, it seemed.

Oh, no, Stephen. Look, he says your
eyes.

Maybe those are my eyes, but that is
your nose. I know it anyway.

You're great.

Oh, thank you, love. Oh, so are you.

Can we come in? We heard a baby.

Ah, we thought it might be yours.

Come on in.

It's a boy. Thank you.

That was a magical moment.

Yeah, it was fun for me too.

What was it like to all of a sudden have
a brand new baby in the house?

How were your daily patterns affected?

Well, all of a sudden there were diapers
to change, formula to make.

Oh, rattles, first words.

The constant squeak from that jolly
jumper. I thought I was going to break

its hinges.

Babies have tons of energy.

No, that was Alex.

I was just checking out the shocks on
the thing, you know, making sure it was

safe.

What was the thing that changed most for
the rest of the family? Was there

anything that you felt missing in your
life?

Sleep.

What are you doing?

I'm going in to get Andrew.

Steven, that'll be the fifth time you've
picked him up since midnight.

Elise, he's crying.

Honey, we've been through this before.
If you pick Andrew up every time he

cries, he's never going to stop crying.

Elise, how can you be so cruel?

I've been alone for four minutes.

Four minutes is a big chunk of his life,
Elaine.

We are not going to spoil this baby,
Steven.

Come on, let's go back to bed.

This kid got lungs.

Elise.

Where are you going?

I have to straighten this picture.

Elise.

He's still crying, honey.

I thought you didn't want to spoil him.

I don't, but I can't bear to hear him
cry.

Stop crying.

Is Andrew

up again? We can't get him to go to
sleep.

Maybe we should sing to him.

Dad, we wanted to sleep, not try and
escape.

We should try singing. We should try
anything. I've got to get to sleep.

What are we going to sing?

Something for a baby.

Hey, do you know Let's Get Crazy by
Twits?

It was our wedding song.

Come on, I'm not singing anything.

Good night.

We can work this out. We can work it
out.

I know we can.

Now, what has stopped him from crying so
far?

thing he stopped crying go in there to
sing stop crying when i brought him out

here before he stopped crying bring him
out here stop crying okay i've got what

do you do wow what do you think

Songstylings of the Keaton family. That
was Friday night.

It's getting late, Andy. I think it's
time for bed.

But, Dad, I'm the center of attention.

Well, why don't you go on up, and I'll
be the center of attention.

Come on, Andy. I'll take you up. Good
night, Andy. Good night, Andy.

Well, honey, is it time for my personal
history yet? No, not just yet. Okay,

well, you give me lots of warning, okay?
Because I've got to set up that whole

slideshow.

Okay,

as Andy grew, would you say the style in
which you raised him was any different

from the rest of the children?

Well, actually, it was very much the
same.

Oh, but as time went on, we started
getting little hints that Alex intended

be more involved in Andy's upbringing
than we had hoped.

This started very early on.

Okay, Andy, you ready?

Okay.

This is the guy I've been telling you
about.

And this is everything you'd want in a
present.

Alex, put this away. You'll frighten
him.

There you go again, Dad.

Republican.

And then there were other hints, things
that were tough to ignore.

Who's that?

You. Who am I?

My mommy.

And who's that pretty girl?

Jennifer. Who's Jennifer?

My sister.

That's right.

Who's that?

Alex. Who is Alex?

Alex is king.

And after a while, we had to face the
fact that we had another Alex on our

hands. Alex, come quick.

Go close out 415.

Thank you for having him.

I love that kid.

I gotta admit, their relationship is
cute in its own weird way.

What's wrong with a little brother
following in his older brother's

What's wrong with our footsteps?

Oh, hey, Dad. You know, he would have
followed in your footsteps. I just

to him first.

Why couldn't he follow my footsteps?

Oh, great. He'd be on a circular track
to and from the mall.

Alex has, on occasion, taken this follow
in his footsteps business a little too

far. What?

Here's your lunch box.

Now, these are your coloring book and
your crayons. Remember, how do we feel

about sharing?

Okay, now you just wear this.

and I don't think we'll have any
problem.

Good morning, Andy.

Good morning, Mr. Kluger.

Good morning, Mr. Kluger. I'm Alex
Keaton, Andy's brother.

I'm Mr. Kluger, the director.

Oh, listen, Andy, I've got to run to
class now, but remember, tonight we're

going to go out, we're going to get ice
cream, and I'm going to take you and

show you how the automated teller
machines work.

Okay? Remember, who loves you? Alex
loves me.

You know it.

So, uh, how's he doing?

Oh, he's a terrific child. He's very
sensitive and very thoughtful of the

children. Well, I can't help that. It's
my parents' influence.

You know, Andrew talks about you all the
time, Alex.

Really? Yeah. He mentions your name so
often, you'd think someone was paying

to talk about you.

Michael. What does your patch say?

I know how to say goodbye to my daddy.

Very good reading.

Isn't that wonderful, Alex?

What's so wonderful about that?

I know how to say goodbye to my daddy.
You don't see me wearing a patch.

Well, we try to encourage Michael. He's
very shy.

This gives him a sense of
accomplishment.

Well, I'm all for creating a sense of
accomplishment, Mrs. Kluger. I just

question your message.

Oh, well, what do you suggest?

Well, have you thought about dividing
the children into different playgroups?

Giving them IQ tests?

Well, Alex, we're trying to foster a non
-competitive environment.

Oh, come on, Mrs.

Kluger.

Join us in the real world here.

Do you see people out there who are non
-competitive?

People sharing?

People taking naps on mats?

Stephen and Melissa Keaton are your
parents?

Oh, Mrs. Kluger, I gotta go. I'm just
gonna say goodbye to Andy and I'll be on

my way. Sure. He's over there playing
house.

No, no, that's impossible. Andy doesn't
play house. Well, of course he does. See

him diapering that doll?

He's diapering a doll?

Andy, what are you doing?

Diapering a doll.

Where's your wife?

Out working.

I brought them back.

Yeah, after the deprogramming didn't
work.

So Alex seems to be a little overzealous
when it comes to Andy.

Well, yes, I am, Sugar Plum.

Could you explain further this obsessive
involvement?

Well, frankly, it has to do with the way
I was raised.

Excuse me?

One thing you have to know about Mom and
Dad is that they're not your normal

parents. You guys are the sweetest
thing.

Well, what I mean is they really got
involved in everything we did.

Sometimes a little over -involved.

Can anyone cite an example?

Popcorn? There was this time that Dad
felt he wasn't spending enough time with

me, so he decided to become my buddy.

Bridge, everybody down.

Low, bridge, forward, coming to a town.
And you'll always know your neighbor.

You'll always know your pal if you've
ever navigated.

What do you say, Dad? You want to go
now?

We've been here three minutes, Jennifer.

All right, that was very nice singing,
girls. And now on to the new business.

I would like to welcome all the moms and
the dad.

Mr. Keaton, nice that you could come,
sir.

Thank you, Mrs. Carpenter. I feel very
much at home.

In fact, I'd like to give you all a warm
sunflower.

Well, now it's time for the round table.
Oh, what's that?

Once a month, we discuss some topic of
interest to the Sunflower Girls.

Oh, great.

I'm all ready. Camping, boating, hiking?

Today, we're going to talk about sex.

I'm your guy.

Did you say sex?

Dad, maybe you should go, really.

Jennifer, I'm a sunflower dad.

I think I can handle a mature discussion
about what she said.

Now, we're going to discuss our bodies.

as they blossom into womanhood, and
about boys and their bodies as they

into manhood.

I know that some of you have already
gone out on dates with boys, and I want

talk about first experiences.

And I want the younger girls to benefit
from you older girls. So we're going to

go around the room, starting with you,
Shelly.

Well, on my first date, I went out with
a guy in my class.

I'm not going to name names, but... Was
it Larry Parker?

That's right.

Anyway, I went out with Larry, and all
he wanted to do was fool around.

What do you mean by fool around?

I mean, he wanted to touch my body as it
blossomed into womanhood.

Boys are only interested in one thing.

What's your name? Alice.

Well, Alice, some boys are very
interested in sex.

Were you?

Well, when I was a boy, I was interested
in a lot of things.

Was sex one of them?

I don't want to lie to you, Alice.

I admit, there were some girls.

I remember Marjorie McCracken. Boy, she
had a body on her.

Dad, I can't believe you're talking
about this stuff.

What can I do? She was hounding me.

Dad, you're really embarrassing me. This
is not the place for you to be. Why do

you say that? Look around you, Dad. Do
you see anyone else here who shaves?

Jennifer, I just want to spend some time
with you. I'm sorry, Dad, but this

isn't the right place.

If you don't leave, I will.

Watch the Frog.

Don't go away. There's more family ties
coming up in less than 30 seconds. And

tonight at 6, check out San Diego's
favorite comedy lineup. That's right.

Friends, Will and Grace, and everybody
loves Raymond. Do -da, do -da. Smile.

You're watching San Diego's home for
comedy, KSWB. Watch the Frog.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.