All language subtitles for family_ties_s06e08_invasion_of_the_psychologist_snatchers

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love
without you.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Hey,

Andy and I are going out for a walk. You
want to come, Jen?

Oh, no, thanks, Dad. I've got this paper
to write, and it's going kind of slow.

Well, maybe I could help.

I don't think so, Dad.

I see. You think that now you're in high
school, your homework's getting a

little too complex for your old,
intellectually washed -up dad.

Well, it's just that you go completely
overboard in these situations.

It's like the time when you tried to
help me with that book report on Huck

and we had to write it on the raft
floating down the Mississippi.

I'll tell you what.

I'll only help you if your paper's in an
area of my expertise.

All right, Dad. I'm writing a paper for
my Introduction to Philosophy class on

the existentialist perspective of Soren
Kierkegaard.

Soren Kierkegaard?

Sorry?

Who's Kierkegaard?

He was a Swedish philosopher, Abby.

He was a Danish philosopher, Dad.

Technically, he was Danish.

But he had an apartment in Sweden.

Lauren, Lauren, come on, come on, let me
take that. Alex, this one bag, I can

carry it. Hey, listen, the woman I love
is not going to be lugging around a

heavy grocery bag.

No, Alex!

Sorry, sorry, forgot you were out there.

It's all right.

I'm used to it. The minute we walked
into the market, I knew you two were in

your own world.

Lauren, I still can't believe it. After
three months of going out, you still

seem to like Alex.

Have you ever taken a really good look
at him?

Oh, my God.

You're right.

Hey, hey, of course he likes me.

I'm cute, I'm intelligent, and I have
unlimited earning potential.

I know that's what attracted me to you.

I think you guys make a cute couple. I
just never want to go shopping with you

again.

Oh, I've got it.

Hello.

Um, yeah, yeah.

Hold on a second.

Lauren, it's for you.

Hello.

Eric, what a surprise.

How'd you get the number here?

I see.

Oh, I'm fine, fine. How are you doing?

That's great.

You know, I don't know.

Yeah, I'll have to think about it.

Yeah, I will.

Good hearing from you, too.

Bye -bye.

About Eric Matthews.

Uh, Eric Matthews. Why does that name
sound familiar?

He's the guy that I went out with before
I met you.

Yeah, that's it.

Well, he's coming in from New York
tomorrow night and he wants to know

dinner. Oh, well, geez.

Uh, I'm busy tomorrow night.

I think he meant me.

Oh, of course. Oh, you. Oh, you. You
should go.

Alex, that's so sensitive of you.

I thought you'd be threatened by
something like this. Hey, what, are you

kidding? Come on, you should know me
better than that. Now, let's just put

rest of this stuff away, okay?

We'll go in, we'll have a nice dinner.

Afterwards, we'll get married.

Alex, sit down, I'll make us some tea.

Oh, no, listen, I'm going to get going
because I don't want to be here when

gets here. Alex, you don't have to leave
just because Eric's showing up.

Well, I know, I know, but you two
probably have a lot of catching up to

know, I'd just be in the way. So you go
out and have a nice dinner.

You're not going to go out like that,
are you?

You know, dressed up.

Alex, this is just a sweater.

Well, I know, I know. It's just such a
fancy one. I mean... Alex, if you're

nervous about this, I'll call it off.
No, no, no. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

Okay, you sure?

Positive.

Eric. Lauren.

Oh, you look terrific.

Your hair's a little shorter. I like it.
Thank you.

You look terrific, too. Your hair's a
little longer.

Thanks. Nice of you to notice.

Mine's exactly the same.

I'm sorry, Eric. I'd like you to meet
Alex Keaton. Pleasure meeting you, Alex.

Pleasure to meet you, too, Eric.

You're a little early. I wasn't
expecting you for another hour. You know

always a little early. Can't help it. I
think it's important to be punctual.

Don't have to tell me.

I'm, uh, I'm... I'm here for a date next
week.

Why don't I call the restaurant and see
if they can take us earlier?

Good idea. Okay, I'll be right back.

So, you and Lauren met over at Leland?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, that's right. She was,
um... She's doing a psychology

on overachievers, so I applied.

I'm in the economics department myself.

My old stomping grounds.

How's Professor Carpenter doing?

Great. I had him for micro this past
semester.

He's a tough old guy, isn't he?

Ooh, you bet. I was lucky to squeeze a B
-plus out of him.

I mean, I deserve more, but he's got
this crazy rule against giving A's.

Really? He must have started that rule
after I left.

He gave you an A?

A plus.

Well, he made up for the low grade,
actually. He recommended me for the

Scholarship. Congratulations.

I won that, too.

Well, I also won the Burke Scholarship
and the Harrison Scholarship, the

Scholarship. I received all of those.

Except the Matthews.

Oh, well.

Can't win them all.

Especially not that one. It's named
after me.

Did I mention my miniature golf trophy?

Look, uh... Alex.

It's sort of pointless for us to sit
here comparing grades and awards. I

we might as well just exchange resumes.

Right.

This is amazing.

This is incredible.

I mean, Lauren told me you worked on
Wall Street. I had no idea it was done

Bradley. It's on in Bradley. That's the
most prestigious banking investment firm

in the world.

Isn't it?

I'd like to work there.

It's so magical.

It's hard to describe.

You know that feeling you had when you
were a kid and your parents would take

you to the bank?

You'd dream about getting naked and
leaping into the vault?

No, I actually did it.

The only downside is that there's not
much time for a personal life.

Even with all the success and all the
money, when I get home to my empty

apartment, I feel like there's something
missing from my life.

Maybe you need a dog.

Okay, ready to go? Yeah, okay.

I'm sorry, you meant you two.

Okay, well, I'll meet you outside when
you're ready.

I'm across the street in a black
Porsche.

Nice meeting you, Eric.

He's got a Porsche.

Hey, do you guys have a minute? I need
your help on something. Yeah, what's up?

Well, I've been up in my room trying to
figure out what is attractive about me.

So far, a normal evening.

Anyway, I've come up with a partial list
of some of my good points. Now,

here's where I need your help.

Carrying the list?

No, no, no.

Filling it in, rounding it out. You
know, making sure I haven't forgotten

anything. I think it's fun for the whole
family.

Wait a minute, Alex. You have a list
here of your good points and...

Eric, good point.

Who's Eric?

Uh, my imaginary friend.

Your imaginary friend has a Porsche?

It's an imaginary Porsche.

He also has a job on Wall Street, an
apartment in Manhattan, and he went out

with Lauren for a year.

Well, that's how we met.

Lauren introduced us.

At an imaginary...

real person uh get together which group
were you

with all right

eric is eric's old boyfriend he's back
in town and they went out for dinner

tonight you let them go let them go
what's so amazing about that

Well, I just know that I'd be very
nervous if one of Nick's old girlfriends

to visit him.

We'd all be nervous, Mel.

It would mean there'd been a breakout at
the women's detention center.

Did you meet Eric?

Briefly, briefly.

We exchanged resumes.

I guess a handshake seemed too obvious.

Tell me, Dad, this guy is impressive.
It's the first time I've ever been in a

room. with someone that I didn't feel
complete intellectual superiority over.

Thanks very much.

Mom, you know what I mean. I mean, this
guy, when you compare our resumes, he

tops me in every category.

Alex, you have something that Eric
doesn't have.

Lauren's love.

That's not something that can be put on
a resume.

No, Dad, he's got that down here.

I must be missing something. There must
be some good points that I have that

Eric doesn't have. So that's why I need
your help, okay? I want to know what you

like about Alex Keaton.

Well, well, uh -uh.

I don't know. It's so hard, Alex.

Can I get back to you?

Come on. You know, this is real
important to me now. My whole

Lauren could be at stake here.

All right, just give me a minute.

Forget it, Mel. I don't want you to hurt
yourself.

I don't know, Dad. I have to disagree
with you. Kierkegaard felt that all

knowledge must be self -knowledge.

I think you're wrong, Jen.

He was also concerned with the larger
societal problems.

Dad, you're missing the point
completely.

am I?

Kierkegaard believed that examining
man's existence within a larger

a societal historical dialectic was an
avoidance of subjective knowledge so

essential to comprehending any type of
spiritual truth.

Jennifer, go to your room.

That's a great argument, Dan. What do
you think Kierkegaard would have said to

that? Who cares?

He didn't have any kids.

Alex, I thought you said you were going
to turn in early tonight.

Oh, yeah, I was. I came down to get a
snack.

You seem a little distracted.

Oh, no. No, no, I'm fine.

All right.

Enjoy your Brillo pad.

All right, Stacy.

Yeah, is Lauren back yet?

No.

Yeah, yes, I know. I know she went out
with Eric.

Yes, I know he has a Porsche.

No message. No message.

Hi,

yeah, Columbus Grill.

Is the Matthew party still there?

I see they left two hours ago.

Yes, I know he drives a Porsche.

Honey bear.

Sweetheart.

Hey, Lauren.

Ah!

Alec, what are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

What am I doing here? I live here,
buddy.

No, you don't.

No, I don't.

But I live very nearby.

What the hell are you doing here? Look,
Alec.

I think I know what you're thinking, and
you're wrong.

Oh, really, Eric?

Well, let me tell you something.

I may not be one of your slick, fast
-talking, money -mongering, underhanded,

Dun & Bradley friends, although I hope
to be one one day.

But I am not that gullible. Alex, listen
to me.

On the way home from dinner tonight, my
car broke down in the middle of nowhere.

We had to walk two miles to a gas
station, get a tow truck, and then get a

back here.

Well, that time it was after 1. I didn't
have a place to stay, so Lauren told me

I could sleep in her room.

She's down the hall in Michelle's room.

You expect me to believe that your brand
-new $40 ,000 Porsche just conveniently

broke down tonight?

Actually, it was closer to $50 ,000.

Well, that's a very tough story to
swallow, Eric.

Well, that includes dealer shipping and
handling charges.

Look, I'm talking about what happened
with you and Lauren today. Now, believe

or not, some things in life are more
important than money and finance

Uh -huh.

You don't believe that?

Well, normally I don't. Normally I
don't. But in this case, Eric, there

definitely is something that's more
important to me than money.

All right, Alex.

I'll be honest with you.

I did come back here wondering if Lauren
and I could start seeing each other

again.

And from the minute I picked her up, all
she did was talk about you.

I could see she was really in love.

So, I decided just to have a good
dinner, enjoy driving my new car.

Get a good night's sleep.

Instead, dinner was lousy and
overpriced. My car's in the shop.

It's 2 .07 in the morning, and I'm wide
awake.

What a bust this trip was.

I just hope I can write it off.

You'd be able to write it off after all
we talked about business, right?

You can tell them it was a recruiting
session for Dun & Bradley.

Hiya, honey.

What is this?

Some overachiever pajama party?

I'm sorry, honey. Did we wake you?

Alex, what are you doing here?

Oh, listen.

I talked to Eric.

He explained everything.

Don't worry.

What is there to explain?

Why don't I just step out for a minute?

Hey, hey, Lauren. Listen, I wasn't going
to come over here. It's just that I

kept calling and you weren't home.

And then the restaurant said you left.
You called the restaurant?

Alex, why? Don't you trust me?

Of course I trust you.

You got a funny way of showing it. Hey,
come on, Lauren. Any other guy... Alex,

I don't care about any other guy.

I care about you and our relationship
and trust.

You know, I can't believe you did this.
I'm really mad at you.

Lauren. Lauren.

Hey, Dad.

Where were you, Alex? It's three o
'clock.

Oh, I was over at Lawrence.

What are you doing up?

Oh, just a little reading.

Existentialism for dads.

There's one thing I can say for
Kierkegaard. No matter how depressed you

he's more depressed.

In a strange way, it's sort of a pick
-me -up.

Mind if I borrow this book, then? Sure,
sure.

I recommend chapter eight.

Existence is meaningless and life is
absurd, so wipe that smile off your

What a rotten night.

I was going crazy worrying about Lauren
and Eric, so I went over there to see

what was happening.

What was happening?

Nothing, until I got there.

And now Lauren thinks I don't trust her.

I doubt she'll ever talk to me again.

Look, Alex, there are a lot of... Let me
just leave you with a thought from

the immortal Kierkegaard.

Women.

Can't live with them, can't live without
them.

Hi. Hi.

Lauren, I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

Look, it's not all your fault.

I should have been more aware.

I knew that even though you were trying
to act gracefully, deep down it really

bothered you.

That's the thing. I knew that you would
think that deep down it would bother me.

So I wanted to go even deeper and prove
that you were wrong.

It just so happens that I don't go that
deep.

You go plenty deep, Alex.

Too deep sometimes. You overanalyze
everything.

I want you to have the best of
everything, you know?

And then when I met Eric, I just
couldn't help but think that maybe he

best. Alex, I don't love Eric.

Why not? I do.

The point I'm trying to make is that I
love you, and you're just going to have

to learn to accept that.

Maybe it might be a little easier for
you to accept that if I knew why you

me. What do you mean, why do I love you?

Well, in order for a guy like me to feel
secure, I have to know what it is that

you love about Alex Keaton.

Well, it's a lot of things. I can't just
sit here and name them.

Why not?

Because it just doesn't work that way.

Can you tell me why you love me?

You're smart, you're beautiful, you're
warm, you're wise, you're witty, you're

sensitive, you're kind to children and
old people, you care about what's going

on in the world.

Boy, you're really good at this.

Better than you.

At least you can give me a token you're
a nice guy or something.

All right, Alex.

You want to know why I love you?

Yeah. Because of the banana boat song.

The banana boat song?

Yes. We were at one of those economic
department symposiums you dragged me to,

and some guy was joining on for...

Hours and hours about the deficit or the
surplus or something. I don't know,

it's excruciatingly boring.

Then suddenly when I thought I just
couldn't take it for another minute, you

sang to me the Banana Boat song.

Day -o, day -o, daylight come and me
want to go home.

That's why I love you.

You ever heard me do Misty?

Alice, it was the fact that in the
middle of this stuffy affair with all

professors around, you sang me the
banana boat song.

It didn't make any sense. It was a
complete contradiction.

It's what makes you uniquely you.

All right.

All right.

You can't come up with anything
concrete.

That'll have to do.

Ellie, this isn't something you have to
define.

You don't have to clarify it. It just
is.

And it's wonderful.

Sure, I could sit around here all night
and rattle off great things about you.

I got nowhere to go.

Then say hello to Will and Grace.

Whoa. Then more friends at 7. And
everybody loves Raymond at 7 .30. This

showbiz. The laughs are on us. We are
KSWB, San Diego's WB.