All language subtitles for family_ties_s05e18_battle_of_the_sexes_1

I bet we've been together for a million
years.

And I bet we'll be together for a
million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the
night we kissed.

And I can't remember what I ever did
before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love
each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

Look, I don't understand. We go to a
nice restaurant.

We have a very nice dinner, and the next
thing I know, you guys are calling me

sexist. Alex, your behavior tonight was
right out of the Middle Ages.

I was embarrassed to be in the same
restaurant as you.

I was just trying to be courteous.

You ordered all our meals without even
asking us what we wanted.

Well, I didn't hear any objections.

We were checking in our coats.

All right.

Good to be home.

Oh, yeah, you're no better than he is.

Maybe not, but it's still good to be
home.

I can't believe you let him order for us
like that.

Well, it wasn't my fault I walked away
for a minute.

Andy and I were over looking at the
lobster tank.

It was really my fault, Mommy.

Yeah, I'm sure you guys always stick
together. Wait a minute. I just don't

what all the fuss is about.

I mean, it is a time -honored tradition
for the man to order for the woman. I

was trying to be a gentleman.

I noticed you let us pick up the check.

Bye. Different, that's business.

By the way, Andy, what you saw tonight
is not appropriate male behavior.

Excuse me, Mom, but I think Dad and I
are very capable of demonstrating

appropriate male behavior to our young
male friend here.

Alex, please, I'd prefer not to be
paired with you at this time.

I'm sure you understand.

I shudder to think of the chauvinistic
habits you two were teaching, Andrew.

Look, don't worry, Mom, okay? Dad and I
are teaching Andy everything he needs to

know. We have a very big weekend
planned. Now tell him, Andy.

Boxing, hockey, wrestling.

That's great. That's just what Andy
needs.

An entire weekend full of grown men
beating each other in the face until

drop.

Maniacs doing a little skating between
fighting.

And sweaty, fat men.

throwing each other down over and over
again.

Don't try to make sense out of this,
Mel. It's male bonding.

It's man's excuse for slobbering all
over each other and yelling, yes, yes.

See, Jennifer knows what it's about.

Oh, well, excuse us. It sounds like the
perfect weekend.

Well, you just admit the fact that male
bonding is a concept that you can't

completely understand.

Oh, is that so?

Well, if I remember, when the girls and
I went to the mountains, you men had

your perfect weekend here, the house all
by yourself, bonding all over the

place?

Hey, Alex.

Whoa!

What are you doing, Dad?

You know, you could break something.

Come on, Alex. What are you worried
about? We got the house to ourselves,

the guys.

Let me see that arm.

No, no, it was my fault. I should have
dove for it.

See, I got it.

How about a game of chess, huh?

Yeah, okay, all right, Dad, if you
really want to.

Okay, all right.

This is great.

All right, so play a few games of chess,
then we'll go out for a real man's

night on the town, huh?

Get a couple of big steaks, very rare,
and back here for brandy and cigars.

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Uh, Susie.

I'm fine, I'm fine.

What do you mean right now?

Well, Susie, are you kidding me? I mean,
I'd love to.

But I can't.

No, no, I... It's just not possible.

No, well, thanks for calling.

Okay, bye -bye.

We're all set. Don't think you're gonna
mop up the board with your old dad

tonight. Got some new strategy lined up.

Go ahead, you move first, lad.

That, uh... That was Susie Marcus.

Susie Fargate?

Yeah.

You remember her? I had this big crush
on her all the way through high school.

She wouldn't even talk to me then.

So anyway, she just, uh, she came into
town to surprise her folks, but, uh,

weren't home.

So she called me and invited me over.

To her, um, empty house.

Now.

Oh.

Oh, well, uh, listen, Alex, if you'd
like to go over there, believe me, I

understand.

No. No.

No, don't be silly, Dad.

No, no, my feelings for Susan Farkas
were nothing more than a passing

crush. Come on, I'm over that.

No, I'd much rather just hang around
here with you.

Play chess.

Okay.

I mean, we're in the middle of a game
here, you know?

It wouldn't be right for me to just pick
up and leave in the middle of a game.

If the game were over, you know, then
that would be a different matter

Bad move, Alex.

Bad move.

Checkmate.

Whoa!

Boy, you pulled that out of a hat.

Holy cow. Boy, when I took your rook,
your knight, your bishop, and your

I thought I had you beat, but boy, I
didn't even see that.

Go ahead, Alex.

Go to Susie Farkas's.

Don't mind if I do, Dad.

Dad?

Thanks.

Great bonding.

We weren't really trying then.

Come on, Alex. Get the football. We'll
bond now.

This is embarrassing.

No, no, no. Daddy's right. We were
holding back that weekend.

You see, we men bond so well that if we
don't resist a little bit,

we become permanently bonded.

That's right. We were just being
careful.

The trouble with you men is that you
tend to bond over such superficial

We women tend to bond over a shared
emotional experience.

All right, all right. Maybe we didn't
have that great a time, but we weren't

only ones who had trouble that weekend.

Well, this is it.

This is it? This is it.

This is it?

I know it's a little rough around the
edges, but the important thing is we'll

together. We're going to have a great
time.

Where's our room?

This is it.

Where's your room?

This is it.

Where's the bathroom?

If you say this is it, I'm leaving.

The bathroom is two cabins down.

Look, we're only going to be here for
the weekend. We can make the best of it.

Well, then I just will unpack.

No, no, no. Let's leave the unpacking
till later. I'm too excited.

Let's just sit down and have a wrap
session.

What do you want to wrap?

the w this is rap with an r uh it's a
term we used in the 60s it means talk

talk session didn't sound right so we
used to say never

mind let's just sit down and talk what
do you want to talk about uh well um

i want to talk about the change that's
going to happen in our lives when the

baby comes home I want to know how you
feel, what your thoughts are, your

your expectations.

Tell me everything.

I don't want to change any diapers.

Good. This is good. I think this is
exactly the kind of thing we want to get

in the open.

What else is on your mind, Mal?

Nothing.

Jennifer, what about you?

I mean...

You've always been the youngest.

Baby, it's all going to change.

Do you have any special feelings that
you want to discuss?

I'm still feeling a little carsick. I'm
afraid I might throw up.

Thanks for sharing that with us, Jen.

She asked for my feelings. Not what she
meant. What is my feelings? Girls, hey,

wait. Maybe this isn't the right time
for a rap session. Maybe we can kind of

ease into that one later.

Oh, oh, I've got an idea.

I was going to save this for tomorrow,
but we're in the mood now, so why not?

I don't believe it. You brought a photo
album with you?

Oh, this is not just any photo album.
This is an album that I made up of our

history together as mother and daughter.

Keaton, girl, oh, how we've grown.

These are old pictures, Mom.

I know they're old pictures. That's the
point.

Well, there's none in here of Alex or
Dad.

I know, that's the point. It's just us.

But we've seen these pictures before,
haven't we?

No, not like this, not all together.
See, not in this format.

They're still the same old pictures.

They are not the same old pictures. When
you put them all together in one book,

they take on a totally different
meaning.

Not that they show the joy and the
closeness that we've shared down through

years. Now sit down and share the joy.

And that's what your mother means by
emotional bonding, Andy. I hope you were

taking notes.

No, that's not fair. We were out of our
element.

Yeah, you should see us at the mall.

All right, all right. Let's not get
carried away by sweeping generalities.

you'll get confused.

There are women who are good.

There are women who are not so good.

There are men who are good. There are
men who are not so good.

And then there's Alex.

Uh, he's in a class by himself, you're
right.

Well, there is one man we know who has
never given in to any of these

chauvinistic attitudes.

In fact, he's the only man who is truly
a credit to his sex.

Nick's great that way.

Nick? Nick.

Nick?

Yeah, Nick's special.

Well, yes, yes, we could tell that the
first time we met him.

Hey, Mallory!

He's really anxious to meet all of you.

Nick! Come on in, Nick!

Do I have to?

He seems anxious to meet us.

I don't know about you, but I am keeping
an open mind about this.

It's just clothes.

Nick Moore, I'd like to meet my parents,
Elise and Stephen Keaton.

Nice to meet you, Nick. It's a pleasure
having you here. Hey.

It is nice to meet you, finally. I've
heard an awful lot about you. Hey.

My brother and sister, Alex and
Jennifer.

Hey.

How yous doing?

We's doing fine.

At least I's doing fine.

That's, uh...

It's a nice earring. Yeah,

I found it in the garbage.

Picked it up on my rounds.

Are you a garbage man?

Me? I mean, but I hope to be one one
day, you know?

It's the only way to get the good
garbage.

The good garbage.

How do you distinguish that from the bad
garbage?

You gotta have an eye for it.

I'm not sure I understand.

Nick's an artist.

I am like what they call an
environmental artist.

I make things out of trash, garbage,
junk.

You'd be amazed at the things you could
make from garbage.

See this hat?

I made this hat from garbage.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Yes, we could tell that the day we met
him.

And the more we got to know him, the
more special he seemed.

Did you say something, dear?

No. No, I didn't. Are you sure? It
sounded like you... I just coughed.

Oh, I see.

I see.

Well, if you say something, I'm ready to
respond.

Great, Dad.

I'll look forward to that.

This is really nice.

You guys, do you like this all the time?

You mean with utensils?

Alex, he's a little strange.

He's all right.

He's a cute little guy.

He's just a little stiff is all.

You know what you could use, Alex?

No, no. What could I use, Nick?

An earring.

No, I don't think so.

Oh, really?

Get to lose.

Here.

No, no, no, Nick.

I enjoy being tight.

What kind of things are you interested
in, Nick? I'm interested in Mallory.

Yes, indeed.

How about school?

How about school?

Do you go to school? No.

Can you expand on that?

Yeah, like when school's on, I'm not
there.

Ah. Really, Dad, I mean, there are other
things we talk about besides school.

No one's even asked him about his art.
Hey, it's okay.

No, you love to talk about your art.
Dad, ask him.

Um, so, uh, Nick, um, how did you get
interested in this environmental art?

I don't know.

Can you expand on that?

I don't know.

Very good.

Getting back to the school issue. No,
come on, Dad. Nick was talking about

You interrupted him. Sorry, Nick.

Didn't mean to cut you off like that.

What were you going to say after I don't

know?

I don't remember.

Anybody like some more pee? Right here.
Yep.

You know, environmental art isn't the
only thing Nick knows about.

He has a wide range of interests.

Here's a thought that just occurred to
me, Nick. Don't you think a person needs

an education?

Not every person. Not every person? Come
on, Dad. Excuse me, Mallory. How can a

person make a living without an
education?

I don't know. Why don't you ask somebody
who's educated?

I don't think a person needs an
education to answer that question.

Did you tell these peas are fresh?

I guess what I really want to know,
Nick... Hey, look, I was invited here

meal, you know, but this doesn't feel
like a meal. It feels like a test.

You know, I'm sorry I'm not the kind of
guy you're looking for. I'm not smart,

I'm not cultured, and I'm not
sophisticated. You know, I'm not no

Bronson.

Andy, that's how Uncle Nick became part
of our family.

Andy, Nick is not your uncle.

But don't listen to him, Andy. You need
a man who is above all this male

chauvinism. Nick is a perfect male role
model for you.

Oh, wait a minute.

All right, okay, what about Dad here?

I mean, Dad has been behind every
feminist issue since the very beginning.

Eh.

Or me.

I mean, I don't want to brag, but I'm no
stranger to the women's movement

myself.

You? Well, it was before your time,
Andy, but I was a very big supporter of

ERA. I fought for the cause.

I suffered for the cause. I sacrificed
for the cause.

Who was the girl, Alex?

Dita Marks.

Really pretty. You would have been proud
of me.

Sexual discrimination of any kind is
entirely intolerable to me.

Really? The mere thought of it makes me
wince.

Don't you feel that way?

Oh, yeah, I do. I just didn't think you
did, that's all.

Well, I'm glad you feel the same way I
do, because frankly, it would be very

hard to work for someone who didn't.

Yeah, but I've always thought of you as
kind of conservative and preppy.

Preppy?

Me?

No, no, I just came in from a wedding.

Okay, let me get this straight.

You are pro -ERA.

Dina, you say E -R -A.

I say Y -E -S.

Would you care for a cup of tea?

I'd love one.

Listen, just sit yourself down.

You're going to love this tea. It was
grown, picked, and brewed entirely by

women.

You know, Alice, everything we talk
about does not have to involve women.

I do have other interests.

I don't.

Well, but I'm...

I'm willing to learn.

You know, this is really fun.

Working with you isn't nearly as dull as
I thought it would be.

Oh, thank you.

I think.

Yeah, and it's really surprising.

Why? What is?

Well, all these years in school, I've
never had the least bit of interest in

you. That doesn't seem possible.

Why?

Oh, little things, I guess.

Like the Young Republicans Club.

That.

Oh, Dina, Dina, Dina, Dina, Dina.

I am something of a dabbler. I'm the
seeker of new experiences.

I'm like a young sapling whose roots are
young and thirsty.

Yeah, see, this is what I thought it
would be like.

You know, Dina, it's good that we can
laugh in these troubled times.

When women are so ruthlessly oppressed
by this sexist society.

Oh, hi.

Like some tea?

No, thank you.

Nice apron, son.

Well, thanks, Dad. I hope you don't mind
me boring you.

I, uh... I got quiche on mine.

When you're done, hang it next to my
jello molds.

And from there, the relationship really
took off in Florida.

With only one small problem, Alex. It
was a relationship built entirely on

Sure, if you want to get technical.

Tell me, Alex, how long have you been a
supporter of women's rights?

Virtually since birth.

Alex, leave them alone. They're just
playing.

Dad, I will not be ridiculed in my own
home by puppets.

That's what's wrong with you feminists.
You have no sense of humor.

Mom, I am not a feminist. I am simply
posing as a feminist out of respect for

the girl I care about.

Yeah, I hope she appreciates it.

Why is everybody picking on me?

But last night, I defended a woman's
right to speak. Now, is that bad?

Of course not. We're very proud of you
for that. And I spent a night in jail

a cause I don't even believe in.

Does that make me a bad person? Alex,
that's not what we're talking about.

You're misleading, Dina. You have a
relationship based on lies.

Dad, that's not true. We're past the
lies. We're into the good stuff now.

Look, do you think I'm happy doing this?
I'm not.

You know, it started out as a few
innocent little lies.

I wouldn't even call them lies.

They were lie -eth.

And it just snowballed. I mean, what can
I do now?

Dina believes very deeply in this cause,
Alex. Your attitude towards it is

really insulting to her.

If you care at all about Dina, you
should tell her the truth now.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.