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1
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,480
You know those self -driving cars?
2
00:00:18,700 --> 00:00:19,599
Are they out yet?
3
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:20,940
I don't think so, Arthur.
4
00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:22,238
Oh, well, then.
5
00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:24,100
Someone's left the handbrake off a Ford
Focus.
6
00:00:28,980 --> 00:00:31,320
Oh, Eggie, are you giving us a pick of
the car boot?
7
00:00:31,900 --> 00:00:33,180
Quality stuff, this, Arthur.
8
00:00:33,420 --> 00:00:36,100
It didn't feel right not to let you all
have a look first.
9
00:00:36,740 --> 00:00:39,140
Decorative horseshoe! I'm having that
for a start.
10
00:00:40,100 --> 00:00:42,340
Same for the table tennis bat.
11
00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:45,039
tin of cheese.
12
00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:46,040
I saw it first.
13
00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:47,320
Oh,
14
00:00:47,820 --> 00:00:50,580
the Aneed in line box set.
15
00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:56,040
Oh, well, I suppose I'll give you two
pounds for these.
16
00:00:56,380 --> 00:01:00,800
The box set's empty, though, Arthur.
There's no DVDs in it. Then in that
17
00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:03,100
shall we say one pound fifty pence?
18
00:01:03,980 --> 00:01:04,979
Oh, all right.
19
00:01:05,220 --> 00:01:06,580
I'll settle up with you later.
20
00:01:08,500 --> 00:01:10,560
Poor naive eggy.
21
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:12,960
Morning, Arthur.
22
00:01:17,130 --> 00:01:18,130
Arthur's in a huff.
23
00:01:18,970 --> 00:01:21,210
I did an interview last night and I
didn't mention him.
24
00:01:22,410 --> 00:01:23,850
Arts Today on Radio 4.
25
00:01:24,710 --> 00:01:26,570
They were asking about my book. Order
something!
26
00:01:26,790 --> 00:01:28,310
Stop talking to me! What's going on?
27
00:01:29,910 --> 00:01:30,910
Don't do that again!
28
00:01:33,250 --> 00:01:34,990
Can't help thinking you're a bit peeved.
29
00:01:35,370 --> 00:01:38,370
Oh, did you hear something, Eggie? I
thought I heard a noise.
30
00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:41,230
Sort of high -pitched, treacherous
whining.
31
00:01:42,170 --> 00:01:45,030
You can only answer the questions I'm
asked, Arthur. They didn't bring you up.
32
00:01:45,170 --> 00:01:46,149
There it was again.
33
00:01:46,150 --> 00:01:51,130
Did you hear it? It sounded like air
escaping from an ungrateful, hairless
34
00:01:51,130 --> 00:01:52,130
balloon.
35
00:01:52,850 --> 00:01:55,710
What else did you get, Eggie? I'm
ignoring Michael.
36
00:01:56,050 --> 00:01:57,410
Oh, there you are.
37
00:01:59,570 --> 00:02:01,970
And my mate said we can use the rhythm.
38
00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:03,490
Really? Oh.
39
00:02:03,810 --> 00:02:05,110
Oh, that's great.
40
00:02:05,470 --> 00:02:09,289
Oh, ten days in Tuscany. Oh, cradle of
the Medici.
41
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:12,800
And we'll be in time for the Festival of
the Cheney. Oh, what's that?
42
00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:17,440
Three teams race each other up a
mountain from the main square outside
43
00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:22,120
Palazzo dei Consoli to the Basilica of
Santo Ubaldo, each one carrying a statue
44
00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:25,920
of their saint mounted on a wooden
octagonal plinth. Oh, heaven!
45
00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:29,880
Yeah, and it's going to be hot, and
there's a swimming pool.
46
00:02:31,180 --> 00:02:37,680
Well, it's a proper one, is that? Hey,
there might be a genie in it.
47
00:02:42,900 --> 00:02:44,120
No, not on that.
48
00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:48,880
All right, Arthur, if it means you'll
speak to me again, I'll grant you three
49
00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:52,320
wishes. Good idea. One for each time you
betrayed me.
50
00:02:52,780 --> 00:02:54,100
How did I betray you?
51
00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:56,180
Firstly, for not mentioning me.
52
00:02:56,600 --> 00:03:01,880
Secondly, for not mentioning me again a
bit later on. And thirdly, for not
53
00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:03,220
mentioning me at all.
54
00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:05,320
All right, hit me. Three wishes.
55
00:03:06,260 --> 00:03:07,860
And you can't wish for more wishes.
56
00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:10,600
I wish.
57
00:03:11,020 --> 00:03:12,020
I wish.
58
00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:13,360
For some toast.
59
00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:15,380
I can do that. Next.
60
00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,120
Well, I should get tea to go with it.
61
00:03:18,420 --> 00:03:19,359
That's two.
62
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:20,560
Don't waste them, Arthur.
63
00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:26,640
Oh, you took advantage of me. I got
overexcited. I wasn't ready.
64
00:03:26,860 --> 00:03:27,960
Sorry, Arthur, just one left.
65
00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:29,700
Tea and toast, please.
66
00:03:30,540 --> 00:03:31,540
Oh, look at you.
67
00:03:31,700 --> 00:03:34,060
I'm excited. Our first holiday together.
68
00:03:34,340 --> 00:03:36,840
Yes, yes. We'll have ten days together.
69
00:03:37,420 --> 00:03:38,920
Oh, ten days.
70
00:03:40,140 --> 00:03:42,020
You'll have ten days in my company.
71
00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,420
With no interruptions.
72
00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:48,920
Just 24 -hour Michael.
73
00:03:49,860 --> 00:03:50,860
All me.
74
00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:52,360
All day.
75
00:03:53,460 --> 00:03:54,460
Every day.
76
00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:57,240
This voice.
77
00:03:58,340 --> 00:03:59,340
This face.
78
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:04,280
Every... day.
79
00:04:08,180 --> 00:04:09,280
Hey, Arthur!
80
00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:12,080
Look what I got at the car boot.
81
00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:13,360
Oh, very nice.
82
00:04:13,540 --> 00:04:14,680
This is a concert one.
83
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:31,780
I didn't know you could do that.
84
00:04:32,060 --> 00:04:32,899
Oh, yeah.
85
00:04:32,900 --> 00:04:33,900
I was in a band.
86
00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:35,340
What? Yep.
87
00:04:35,780 --> 00:04:36,780
You were in a band?
88
00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:38,260
When? Before I met your dad.
89
00:04:39,020 --> 00:04:40,560
You never told me about this. No.
90
00:04:41,260 --> 00:04:44,420
It's private and painful, and I don't
like talking about it.
91
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,000
All right, shall I do it?
92
00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:48,660
Everyone, Arthur's going to tell a
story.
93
00:04:50,700 --> 00:04:54,800
All the kids were doing it, messing
about with guitars when we should have
94
00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:55,800
doing our homework.
95
00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:00,240
After I left school, I was just the
same.
96
00:05:00,540 --> 00:05:04,920
I hooked up with some other blokes,
John, George and Ringo.
97
00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:06,800
Arthur. What?
98
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:08,600
Is it the Beatles?
99
00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:11,140
No, it isn't. You're getting mixed up
with the Beatles.
100
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:16,140
Shush! No -one had ever seen anything
like it before. It was mayhem.
101
00:05:16,380 --> 00:05:18,020
Everyone rubbed to the piece of us.
102
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:23,740
Then one day, we were playing a gig on
the top of a roof, for some reason, and
103
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:28,500
the tensions of the band came frothing
to the surface, like a sterodent tablet
104
00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:29,760
in a glass of dentures.
105
00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:32,920
John was my best friend.
106
00:05:33,310 --> 00:05:37,630
But after he met Ono Yoko and I married
Linda McCartney, the famous
107
00:05:37,630 --> 00:05:40,930
veterinarian, things were never the
same.
108
00:05:41,290 --> 00:05:43,470
Arthur. Oh, hang on a second. That's not
right.
109
00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:48,370
That's you, that is, putting the Beatles
in my head. We didn't break up on a
110
00:05:48,370 --> 00:05:51,490
rooftop. I can't remember where we broke
up or why.
111
00:05:52,150 --> 00:05:55,910
Mind you, that all feels as though it
was 100 years ago.
112
00:05:56,630 --> 00:06:00,210
Imagine, where would I be 100 years from
now?
113
00:06:00,490 --> 00:06:01,750
You won't be anywhere, Arthur. You'll be
dead.
114
00:06:02,270 --> 00:06:03,270
Long, long dead.
115
00:06:03,610 --> 00:06:05,990
You're right, Birdie. Oh, I don't know,
Arthur.
116
00:06:06,270 --> 00:06:07,270
You're healthy enough.
117
00:06:07,630 --> 00:06:10,510
You say that, Eggie, but death can come
from any direction.
118
00:06:11,070 --> 00:06:12,970
Just the other day, a cow fell on me.
119
00:06:14,230 --> 00:06:18,050
A cow fell on you? What? A cow just fell
on you? Yes.
120
00:06:18,270 --> 00:06:19,530
I was in my pyjamas.
121
00:06:19,850 --> 00:06:20,850
Wait, wait, wait.
122
00:06:21,030 --> 00:06:22,810
You were in a field in your pyjamas?
123
00:06:23,350 --> 00:06:25,050
I wasn't in a field. I was at home.
124
00:06:25,290 --> 00:06:27,610
What was I doing in a field in my
pyjamas?
125
00:06:28,850 --> 00:06:30,790
Where was the cow, then? In my kitchen.
126
00:06:31,660 --> 00:06:32,800
It just wandered in.
127
00:06:33,180 --> 00:06:35,980
How could a cow wander into my kitchen?
128
00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:37,620
I wouldn't stand for it.
129
00:06:37,860 --> 00:06:41,880
Then how was there... It wasn't alive,
Michael. Dear, oh, dear. I wouldn't have
130
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:45,500
a live cow in my kitchen. It would be
extremely unhygienic.
131
00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:49,100
Why was there a dead cow in your
kitchen?
132
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:50,360
There was a butcher in it.
133
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:55,240
The Wilf, Taylor's Quality Meats in the
High Street. It sometimes puts a bit of
134
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:58,380
work my way when it's pushed. It lets me
keep all the offal.
135
00:06:59,020 --> 00:07:00,620
You know how to butcher a cow?
136
00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:04,160
Once the carcass is quartered and the
legs are off, it's just common sense.
137
00:07:05,740 --> 00:07:07,880
Can someone else take over? I need to
close my eyes.
138
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:09,640
How did it fall on you, Arthur?
139
00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:13,160
Oh, well, I usually hook the cows up to
the clothes there.
140
00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:17,160
But this was a big one and it pulled the
fitting out of the ceiling.
141
00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:23,020
I was in there looking for a biscuit
when it pinned me to the floor.
142
00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:27,380
Why do you keep biscuits in the same
room as the clothes there? Actually, you
143
00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:28,480
know what? I went in again too soon.
144
00:07:29,260 --> 00:07:31,220
God, I'd hate a cow falling on me.
145
00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:33,820
Oh, it's incredibly annoying, Birdie.
146
00:07:34,420 --> 00:07:38,740
But just think, Michael, if the juices
hadn't pooled and allowed me to slide
147
00:07:38,740 --> 00:07:42,600
out, it would have been curtains for me.
148
00:07:43,500 --> 00:07:45,200
Imagine that for an obituary.
149
00:07:45,660 --> 00:07:49,980
Beloved entertainer dies while trying to
retrieve biscuit from room with cow.
150
00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:53,540
No, no, no, I can't have that.
151
00:07:53,940 --> 00:07:56,760
I've got things to do, important things.
152
00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:58,630
I have to find John.
153
00:07:59,010 --> 00:08:00,010
If he exists.
154
00:08:00,270 --> 00:08:01,290
What's that supposed to mean?
155
00:08:01,730 --> 00:08:04,630
Well, when I interview you, you never
mentioned a band.
156
00:08:04,970 --> 00:08:07,610
I can only answer the questions I'm
asked, Michael.
157
00:08:08,770 --> 00:08:10,030
Right, what happened to them, then?
158
00:08:10,330 --> 00:08:11,930
Yeah, Arthur, where are they all now?
159
00:08:12,550 --> 00:08:16,330
Well, news filtered back to me that John
got shot in New York.
160
00:08:17,850 --> 00:08:20,770
Got shot in a shoe shop in York.
161
00:08:21,130 --> 00:08:26,230
Got a shot at a job in a shoe shop in
York.
162
00:08:27,050 --> 00:08:30,010
Yeah. Last I heard, he'd put down roots
in Sheffield.
163
00:08:30,730 --> 00:08:32,010
He was my best friend.
164
00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:33,730
And then it was all over.
165
00:08:34,169 --> 00:08:35,570
I have to find out why.
166
00:08:36,710 --> 00:08:38,190
Jeannie! Third wish!
167
00:08:38,549 --> 00:08:39,590
Take me to Sheffield!
168
00:08:40,070 --> 00:08:43,750
What? You have to drive me to Sheffield!
I have to find John!
169
00:08:43,950 --> 00:08:47,710
Arthur, I'm not driving you to
Sheffield. Oh, come on! It's not as if
170
00:08:47,710 --> 00:08:49,030
anything better to do, is it?
171
00:08:53,030 --> 00:08:56,350
Oh, OK. I thought we were going to go
for dinner. Talk about the holiday.
172
00:08:56,750 --> 00:09:00,330
Oh, no, no, no, we will. It's just,
well, I'm a bit worried about Arthur.
173
00:09:00,750 --> 00:09:04,630
He doesn't seem to know what part of his
story is true and what part he saw in a
174
00:09:04,630 --> 00:09:05,630
Paul McCartney documentary.
175
00:09:06,550 --> 00:09:07,550
OK.
176
00:09:08,290 --> 00:09:09,290
Come on, then.
177
00:09:09,490 --> 00:09:11,310
But, no, no, of course we will.
178
00:09:11,670 --> 00:09:15,170
I'm just wondering, isn't the right time
of year for the Tuscany?
179
00:09:15,530 --> 00:09:17,770
But, anyway, we'll talk about it.
180
00:09:18,110 --> 00:09:19,150
Conversation. Together.
181
00:09:20,010 --> 00:09:21,010
Holiday.
182
00:09:21,490 --> 00:09:23,010
Plats. Talking. It's all good.
183
00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:24,410
Hold already, Bert.
184
00:09:24,650 --> 00:09:25,650
It's on route.
185
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,300
We could do with some music in here,
Bullitt.
186
00:09:28,660 --> 00:09:29,700
Brighten the place up a bit.
187
00:09:30,420 --> 00:09:32,400
Isn't that right, Eggie? A bit of music.
188
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:35,660
Well, I think it's great the way it is,
Birdie.
189
00:09:35,900 --> 00:09:38,860
Ah! You have them all filling their
nappies at the thought of you.
190
00:09:39,660 --> 00:09:41,560
This place could do with some music.
191
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:42,960
Ah!
192
00:09:43,860 --> 00:09:46,080
Are you afraid we'll find out you have
no taste?
193
00:09:48,060 --> 00:09:49,660
I have taste. Sure you do.
194
00:09:49,940 --> 00:09:50,940
Terrible taste.
195
00:09:54,790 --> 00:09:57,530
I'd install a CD system and play you the
best music you ever heard.
196
00:09:58,890 --> 00:10:00,330
Do I get him to do something else?
197
00:10:04,690 --> 00:10:06,410
Continue for 500 yards.
198
00:10:06,790 --> 00:10:08,510
What are you telling me that for? You're
driving.
199
00:10:10,030 --> 00:10:14,050
And at the junction, turn right. What
are you telling me that for? It's the
200
00:10:14,050 --> 00:10:15,050
-nav.
201
00:10:15,730 --> 00:10:20,850
Sat -nav, eh? I've heard about that.
They use PMT coordinates.
202
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:27,700
Oh, stop complaining, will you? Be good
for you to get out your, er, crumpet
203
00:10:27,700 --> 00:10:28,700
zone for once.
204
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,660
In 300 yards, take the exit.
205
00:10:32,940 --> 00:10:36,460
Pardon? It's not me! Oh, yes, yes, of
course.
206
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:40,420
You have arrived at your destination.
207
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:41,880
Oh, no, we have.
208
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,360
Stop talking to it!
209
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,200
Oh, thank God that's over.
210
00:10:49,460 --> 00:10:50,640
Well, here we are.
211
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:53,820
I don't think I can do this, Michael.
212
00:10:54,700 --> 00:10:55,760
I'm ever so nervous.
213
00:10:57,180 --> 00:10:59,280
Wish I could just go home.
214
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:00,760
Sorry, Arthur.
215
00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:03,040
You're out of wishes.
216
00:11:08,260 --> 00:11:09,260
Hello, John.
217
00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:11,880
Oof! Arthur!
218
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:14,620
You'd better come in.
219
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:41,500
Well, you two must have a lot to talk
about, so maybe I'll just wait outside.
220
00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:43,080
Yes, that's not a bad idea.
221
00:11:43,740 --> 00:11:45,040
Now, you have a few options.
222
00:11:45,580 --> 00:11:50,000
You could go and sit upstairs on the
edge of a bed, or you could remain on
223
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:50,899
stairs themselves.
224
00:11:50,900 --> 00:11:51,940
Mind you, that's a bit dangerous.
225
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,040
Maybe I'll just wait in the car.
226
00:11:54,500 --> 00:11:55,960
Oh, that's an option I didn't consider.
227
00:11:56,640 --> 00:12:00,860
Yes, you can tune in to Jeremy Vine and
recline your seat, as long as there's no
228
00:12:00,860 --> 00:12:01,860
-one sat behind you.
229
00:12:03,460 --> 00:12:04,480
OK, I'm going now.
230
00:12:10,900 --> 00:12:11,900
Nice chair job.
231
00:12:12,460 --> 00:12:13,860
Argos. Click and collect.
232
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:16,620
Is it leather, then?
233
00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:19,640
It's what's known as folks' leather,
Arthur.
234
00:12:20,860 --> 00:12:22,540
Do you know what folks' leather is?
235
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,040
Of course I know what folks' leather is.
236
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:26,219
Oh, sorry.
237
00:12:26,220 --> 00:12:29,560
Obviously touched a nerve there. No, you
haven't. How would not knowing what
238
00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:33,120
folks' leather was be a nerve? It's not
the sort of thing people get bothered
239
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:35,480
by. You never know what's going to set
someone off, Arthur.
240
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:40,020
My wife, Mary, has a panic attack if
anyone opens a drawer too quickly.
241
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:47,360
There was an occasion I needed my Swiss
army knife to prise a stone from the paw
242
00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:49,780
of a King Charles Spaniel that had
wandered into the garden.
243
00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:54,500
I was in such a hurry I forgot myself
and pulled the drawer open terribly
244
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:57,320
Mary ended up having to sit down for
five minutes.
245
00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:03,180
Now, what's this all about, Arthur?
246
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:08,280
I'm sorry to hurry you, but Mary's got a
foot spa turning up in the kitchen and
247
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:09,280
I'm supervising.
248
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:12,520
You kept it up, then, the music?
249
00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:15,220
Oh, yes. Yes, I'm on the Carvery Circuit
now.
250
00:13:15,940 --> 00:13:16,940
Yes.
251
00:13:17,620 --> 00:13:21,420
I do, er, drop -in centres, sheltered
accommodation, that sort of venue.
252
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,600
I'm at the hospice on Tuesday.
253
00:13:23,980 --> 00:13:25,400
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, John.
254
00:13:26,540 --> 00:13:28,840
Well, they shouldn't be, because they're
giving me my petrol money.
255
00:13:29,180 --> 00:13:32,400
Man, it's just round the corner, so
it'll be about, er, 42p.
256
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:36,280
Well, they're all lads up. Do three of
those a week and you're laughing.
257
00:13:37,300 --> 00:13:38,159
That's right.
258
00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:39,139
I am.
259
00:13:39,140 --> 00:13:40,200
What about you, Arthur?
260
00:13:40,750 --> 00:13:41,990
Have you given up music, then?
261
00:13:42,310 --> 00:13:44,010
I haven't played since the band split
up.
262
00:13:44,370 --> 00:13:45,370
Oof.
263
00:13:45,470 --> 00:13:46,810
And whose fault was that, Arthur?
264
00:13:47,850 --> 00:13:48,850
I don't know.
265
00:13:48,990 --> 00:13:49,990
Neither do I.
266
00:13:51,310 --> 00:13:54,690
That's why I'm here, John. I wanted to
find out why the band broke up.
267
00:13:55,070 --> 00:13:57,970
I'll have to have a good think about
that, Arthur. But now's not a good time.
268
00:13:58,310 --> 00:13:59,310
Where are you staying?
269
00:13:59,550 --> 00:14:03,510
Well, we were going to go home tonight,
but I can't go home not knowing. Well,
270
00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:04,670
let's reconvene tomorrow.
271
00:14:05,170 --> 00:14:06,730
There's a B &B at the end of the road.
272
00:14:08,030 --> 00:14:09,710
Oh, it's your friend with the sad face.
273
00:14:12,659 --> 00:14:15,780
Obviously, you didn't tune in to Jeremy
or you wouldn't be back so soon.
274
00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:17,460
Where did you end up standing?
275
00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:19,520
Just in the garden. It was a nice day.
276
00:14:20,580 --> 00:14:21,640
Verge or dead centre?
277
00:14:23,380 --> 00:14:25,440
Verge. Oh, controversial.
278
00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:31,300
Most would opt for the centre to avoid
the breeze at the end of the bush.
279
00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:35,840
Listen, do you ever think about the B
&B?
280
00:14:36,260 --> 00:14:37,260
The B &B?
281
00:14:37,620 --> 00:14:41,020
Yes. Getting late, but they might be
able to accommodate you.
282
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:43,300
Well, B &B, we're going home, aren't we?
283
00:15:34,570 --> 00:15:37,890
There must have been a bit of plaster or
a ceiling brick.
284
00:15:38,170 --> 00:15:39,530
Anyway, can we just drop it?
285
00:15:39,810 --> 00:15:42,590
We're both up now. We might as well have
a chat.
286
00:15:43,670 --> 00:15:46,930
So, what's been happening with you,
then?
287
00:15:47,290 --> 00:15:48,970
I'll tell you what's worrying me,
Michael.
288
00:15:49,290 --> 00:15:51,090
I'm getting on very well with John.
289
00:15:51,750 --> 00:15:52,870
It's like the old days.
290
00:15:53,330 --> 00:15:56,690
I'm remembering now what a brilliant
conversationalist he is.
291
00:15:57,610 --> 00:15:58,610
What's the problem?
292
00:15:58,730 --> 00:16:02,970
Well, we're trying to remember why the
band split up.
293
00:16:05,140 --> 00:16:06,680
What if it was my fault?
294
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:09,960
We might have gone on to do something.
295
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:12,540
Our lives could have been completely
different.
296
00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:15,700
I'd hate it if I'd ruined our chances
for myself.
297
00:16:16,140 --> 00:16:18,940
But it would be even worse if I'd ruined
it for him.
298
00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:25,440
Well, then, don't try and remember it.
Just pick up where you left off.
299
00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:27,820
Stop overthinking things.
300
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,060
Oh, thanks, Michael.
301
00:16:31,020 --> 00:16:32,440
That makes sense, that does.
302
00:16:34,510 --> 00:16:35,770
I wonder if that's what I'm doing.
303
00:16:38,910 --> 00:16:40,730
Is he seeing him as asking me to go on
holiday?
304
00:16:42,930 --> 00:16:47,910
What are
305
00:16:47,910 --> 00:16:50,330
you doing, John?
306
00:16:50,550 --> 00:16:53,550
I'm cleaning my keyboard with
antibacterial spray.
307
00:16:54,530 --> 00:16:59,450
It's a bit of a ritual, like a samurai
keeping his blade keen with a whetstone.
308
00:17:00,790 --> 00:17:02,170
It's also a hospice requirement.
309
00:17:07,470 --> 00:17:10,670
Do you ever think about what might have
been, John, if we'd stuck together?
310
00:17:11,050 --> 00:17:13,329
Oof, that was another life, another
time.
311
00:17:13,829 --> 00:17:14,950
I was wild then.
312
00:17:15,849 --> 00:17:16,849
We all were.
313
00:17:16,950 --> 00:17:18,770
Now, it's best to keep that in the past.
314
00:17:19,230 --> 00:17:21,069
Maybe we should get the band back
together.
315
00:17:21,569 --> 00:17:22,790
That's a bit of a bombshell.
316
00:17:23,010 --> 00:17:24,750
But it's not just about us, John.
317
00:17:24,990 --> 00:17:27,310
It's about four young men and their
dreams.
318
00:17:27,670 --> 00:17:29,290
Four? No, there were only three, Arthur.
319
00:17:29,870 --> 00:17:31,370
No, no, there were four of us.
320
00:17:31,650 --> 00:17:34,090
Us two, George and Ringo.
321
00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:37,980
I think you're getting us mixed up with
the Beatles, Arthur.
322
00:17:38,660 --> 00:17:43,120
I don't remember a George. And Ringo
passed away two years ago.
323
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:45,160
Oh, that's a shame.
324
00:17:46,060 --> 00:17:49,500
So it is only about just us. That could
be highly convenient.
325
00:17:50,100 --> 00:17:51,100
It could.
326
00:17:52,420 --> 00:17:53,399
OK, then.
327
00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:54,400
Let's give it a go.
328
00:18:28,300 --> 00:18:31,080
Hey, I feel we're moving in the Clannad
direction.
329
00:18:33,700 --> 00:18:36,780
Does that get the juices flowing?
330
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:40,700
It does, John. It makes me think of
vegetables.
331
00:18:41,780 --> 00:18:44,900
Yeah, I like it. I think we're on to
something.
332
00:18:45,220 --> 00:18:46,740
Right, what sort of vegetable?
333
00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:51,280
Potatoes? Oh, no, I don't want to be
doing a song about potatoes.
334
00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:53,680
Oh, there's nothing wrong with potatoes,
Arthur.
335
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:55,600
Mary and I are big fans.
336
00:18:56,560 --> 00:19:00,400
Especially the boiled ones, with a bit
of quiche and a side salad.
337
00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:02,720
Nothing rhymes with them.
338
00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:05,340
There's no romance to a potato.
339
00:19:05,740 --> 00:19:07,160
But there's plenty of dignity, Arthur.
340
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:10,240
And there's not enough songs with them
in.
341
00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:11,720
Well, that's the point I'm making.
342
00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:14,180
Name one good song about potatoes.
343
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:16,380
Oh, there's only one to my knowledge.
344
00:19:16,820 --> 00:19:18,300
One potato, two potatoes.
345
00:19:19,620 --> 00:19:21,040
Exactly, exactly.
346
00:19:21,460 --> 00:19:24,180
Well, that proves my point. There ought
to be more.
347
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:27,540
Listen, I'm not singing a song about
sodding potatoes.
348
00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:33,260
Arthur, if you're going to insult Mary
and I by disparaging potatoes, I'm going
349
00:19:33,260 --> 00:19:34,300
to have to ask you to leave.
350
00:19:34,540 --> 00:19:35,680
I'm happy to.
351
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:38,860
Now I remember why we broke up.
352
00:19:39,140 --> 00:19:41,800
Always vegetable -based disagreements.
353
00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:45,440
I think we'll leave it there before you
say anything else you regret.
354
00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:46,619
Don't worry.
355
00:19:46,620 --> 00:19:47,499
Don't worry.
356
00:19:47,500 --> 00:19:48,500
I'm leaving.
357
00:19:48,860 --> 00:19:50,900
But, Arthur, it's getting late.
358
00:19:51,140 --> 00:19:52,240
Where are you going to stay?
359
00:20:06,250 --> 00:20:09,910
You know... I thought you were asleep.
360
00:20:10,590 --> 00:20:12,350
No, no, I was just lying there.
361
00:20:13,910 --> 00:20:18,650
You know, Arthur, I was walking around
Sheffield today and I ended up at the
362
00:20:18,650 --> 00:20:20,430
Industrial Museum along the side of the
river.
363
00:20:21,690 --> 00:20:24,530
It had England's largest surviving
Bessemer converter.
364
00:20:25,650 --> 00:20:31,790
It's a steel -making process, now
largely obsolete, in which carbon,
365
00:20:31,790 --> 00:20:33,050
other impurities are...
366
00:20:33,470 --> 00:20:38,210
Removed from molten pig iron by
oxidation in a special tilting retort.
367
00:20:38,450 --> 00:20:42,410
All right, all right. I know what a
Bessemer converter is, thank you very
368
00:20:44,250 --> 00:20:50,350
I was looking at the rivets on its
magnificent cauldron and I thought...
369
00:20:50,350 --> 00:20:55,130
I'm incredibly boring.
370
00:20:55,890 --> 00:20:58,350
You won't get any arguments this side of
the bed.
371
00:20:59,170 --> 00:21:02,910
But seeing him... Still seems to like me
anyway.
372
00:21:04,470 --> 00:21:08,290
And if she likes me, maybe I'm not so
boring after all.
373
00:21:09,850 --> 00:21:12,490
Or maybe I'm just interesting in a
different way.
374
00:21:12,690 --> 00:21:13,790
In a way that...
375
00:21:13,790 --> 00:21:22,770
Oh,
376
00:21:22,770 --> 00:21:28,550
well. Never mind. We did our best.
377
00:21:29,690 --> 00:21:30,690
Thanks, little Michael.
378
00:21:32,010 --> 00:21:33,010
Oh, God.
379
00:21:34,550 --> 00:21:35,550
Arthur.
380
00:21:36,350 --> 00:21:37,670
Arthur, I think I've lost my wallet.
381
00:21:38,950 --> 00:21:40,050
Oh, no.
382
00:21:41,030 --> 00:21:43,150
I must have left it when I was paying
for the room.
383
00:21:43,550 --> 00:21:44,590
All right, calm down.
384
00:21:44,890 --> 00:21:47,290
Just tell the landlord what's happened.
He'll understand.
385
00:21:48,830 --> 00:21:50,410
He doesn't look like he'll understand.
386
00:21:58,670 --> 00:21:59,670
Don't worry.
387
00:22:00,470 --> 00:22:01,470
Leave it to me.
388
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:03,000
What are you doing?
389
00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:04,440
No, hold up.
390
00:22:07,660 --> 00:22:08,660
Play the winner.
391
00:22:12,500 --> 00:22:14,040
Three ball, corner pocket.
392
00:22:17,140 --> 00:22:18,580
Oh, not middle pocket.
393
00:22:48,910 --> 00:22:50,670
This is the right end of the club, isn't
it?
394
00:22:51,450 --> 00:22:52,450
It's called a queue.
395
00:22:52,950 --> 00:22:54,270
And it's still your shop, mate.
396
00:22:56,170 --> 00:22:58,630
How about we make things a bit more
interesting?
397
00:22:59,310 --> 00:23:00,650
Sure. 20 quid?
398
00:23:01,530 --> 00:23:03,270
Hardly worth getting out of bed for.
399
00:23:03,810 --> 00:23:04,810
Make it 50.
400
00:23:06,630 --> 00:23:07,630
Here.
401
00:23:09,850 --> 00:23:10,850
Oh, dear.
402
00:23:11,070 --> 00:23:12,810
Another great shot from you.
403
00:23:13,130 --> 00:23:15,030
Whatever am I going to do?
404
00:23:19,050 --> 00:23:19,909
It's stripes.
405
00:23:19,910 --> 00:23:21,330
You shouldn't even be going for the
other ones.
406
00:23:22,870 --> 00:23:23,950
Oh, dear.
407
00:23:24,810 --> 00:23:25,810
Double or quit.
408
00:23:26,690 --> 00:23:28,070
Don't worry, I'm good for it.
409
00:23:28,370 --> 00:23:30,090
I've got my money man over there.
410
00:23:33,530 --> 00:23:34,530
It's all right.
411
00:23:38,770 --> 00:23:40,570
You do realise we have no money?
412
00:23:40,930 --> 00:23:41,909
Oh, no.
413
00:23:41,910 --> 00:23:43,190
Whatever will we do?
414
00:23:46,470 --> 00:23:47,710
You sure about this, mate?
415
00:23:48,030 --> 00:23:49,030
You're losing a lot of money.
416
00:23:50,510 --> 00:23:53,610
Boys, I'm just getting started.
417
00:23:56,230 --> 00:23:58,890
Run, Michael, run! You can't play at
all!
418
00:23:59,950 --> 00:24:00,950
Come on!
419
00:24:03,890 --> 00:24:08,090
That never happened in the film.
420
00:24:09,950 --> 00:24:11,430
What film? The Hustler?
421
00:24:11,930 --> 00:24:13,050
It wasn't in the film.
422
00:24:13,310 --> 00:24:16,850
It was bad at first, but when he put
money on it, it was brilliant.
423
00:24:28,270 --> 00:24:29,270
what it was about.
424
00:24:30,790 --> 00:24:32,230
Thank God that's over.
425
00:24:32,430 --> 00:24:35,830
Good job for them. They never called us
when we ran away. I'd have shown them.
426
00:24:35,950 --> 00:24:38,270
No, no, no. I don't do physical
confrontation.
427
00:24:39,230 --> 00:24:41,170
All my adrenaline goes to my mouth.
428
00:24:41,950 --> 00:24:44,470
My language gets very flamboyant.
429
00:24:45,010 --> 00:24:47,770
I end up sounding like a dandy in a
restoration comedy.
430
00:24:49,970 --> 00:24:50,970
Where's my jacket?
431
00:24:51,390 --> 00:24:52,390
Where's my jacket?
432
00:24:52,610 --> 00:24:54,230
Oh, God, I've left it in the pub.
433
00:24:55,150 --> 00:24:56,670
I've left my jacket in the pub.
434
00:24:57,310 --> 00:24:58,310
You have all the jackets.
435
00:24:58,550 --> 00:25:01,810
No, it's got the keys in it. The keys
are in the jacket.
436
00:25:04,670 --> 00:25:05,950
We're going to have to go back.
437
00:25:07,450 --> 00:25:09,650
No, Michael, it's worse than that.
438
00:25:10,910 --> 00:25:12,430
You're going to have to go back.
439
00:25:35,300 --> 00:25:39,700
Tis I, fear ye not? I mean ye no ill
will.
440
00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:44,820
I humbly ask that you permit me a small
boon.
441
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:51,700
For I merely posit that you digest
thyself of my
442
00:25:51,700 --> 00:25:53,660
poultry rag.
443
00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:58,200
Could I have my jacket back, please?
444
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:00,180
What about our winnings?
445
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:04,020
Leave the kid alone.
446
00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:11,460
It's me you've got the beef with.
447
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:14,200
Yeah.
448
00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:17,380
And we're not leaving until you return
my jacket.
449
00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:20,920
Mark me, Cyril.
450
00:26:31,690 --> 00:26:34,290
Plus side? You're outside of your
crumpet zone.
451
00:26:36,150 --> 00:26:37,150
Yes.
452
00:26:37,410 --> 00:26:39,690
I am definitely out of my crumpet zone.
453
00:26:44,970 --> 00:26:47,190
Listen to this bit. Listen to this bit.
454
00:26:48,150 --> 00:26:49,430
This Jethro Tull.
455
00:26:50,090 --> 00:26:51,690
I wasn't expecting that.
456
00:26:53,170 --> 00:26:54,690
Turn that music off.
457
00:26:55,190 --> 00:26:59,370
Please. John. Hello, Arthur. I couldn't
leave it like we did.
458
00:26:59,650 --> 00:27:00,650
You're right, John.
459
00:27:01,100 --> 00:27:06,040
We have too much history, even if
neither of us can remember exactly what
460
00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:09,940
is. I've written a new song, Arthur,
which doesn't mention potatoes.
461
00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:14,180
And I was wondering if you would do me
the honour of helping me perform it.
462
00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:16,060
Count me in, John.
463
00:27:16,360 --> 00:27:18,080
What, before I've even taught you the
song?
464
00:27:19,980 --> 00:27:24,580
Life is like a salad bar, you only get
one visit.
465
00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:26,680
Take your bowl and...
466
00:27:27,050 --> 00:27:29,270
Follow me, I'll be your guiding spirit.
467
00:27:29,850 --> 00:27:34,370
Life is like a salad bar. Look hard,
you'll miss it.
468
00:27:34,690 --> 00:27:37,030
Life is like a salad bar.
469
00:27:37,670 --> 00:27:40,450
Oh, poor is it.
470
00:27:41,830 --> 00:27:44,110
Live your life as I would.
471
00:27:44,370 --> 00:27:46,470
By your own nose be guided.
472
00:27:46,790 --> 00:27:51,010
But go easy on the onions and use the
tongs provided.
473
00:27:52,430 --> 00:27:53,430
I've seen him.
474
00:27:54,170 --> 00:27:55,870
I will go on holiday.
475
00:27:56,350 --> 00:27:58,210
Well, I know. We already said we would.
476
00:27:59,030 --> 00:28:00,730
Well, then that's still the case.
477
00:28:01,030 --> 00:28:02,030
Right.
478
00:28:02,150 --> 00:28:03,150
Right.
479
00:28:04,610 --> 00:28:11,550
Oh, life is like a salad bar You only
get one visit Take your bowls and
480
00:28:11,550 --> 00:28:18,450
follow me I'll be your guiding spirit
Life is like a salad bar With no
481
00:28:18,450 --> 00:28:22,010
in it Life is like a salad bar
482
00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:26,320
Or is it too late, sir? Oh.
36872
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