All language subtitles for count_arthur_strong_s03e02_arthur_the_hat

These. This.

Thank you, Michael. Oh, please, it's a
joy receiving 15 letters a day addressed

to Arthur Strong Solutions, Arthur
Strong Industries, and Google.

What's Google?

It's a postal service wherein people
send me questions and I search for

among my extensive files. I charge a
small fee.

Oh, I see, so it's like Google, but very
inconvenient and actually costs money.

That's the idea.

Why, boogle. Oh, that's the clever
thing. Comes first in the phone book.

I'm always one step ahead of me.

Here.

There's no need for that.

It's not ideal for me either.

I'm the one that's had to have his
letter book sealed up.

Why do you have to do that, Arthur? It's
private, Eggie. I'd rather not discuss

it. I mean, what is going on here?

Oh, that's a fruit postal service I set
up a subscription to. Can you... You

believe this banana made it from the
other side of the world in just five

So every time you fancy a banana, you
just have to wait five weeks until it

plopped through your letterbox.

Gosh, the modern world.

Good, isn't it?

No. No, it's not, is it?

Can't work out how to cancel it. Oh,
Bulat, my good fellow, how about a cup

tea on the house for all my years of
dedicated custom?

This is a business.

I run a cafe. This is a cafe.

All right. Go on about it. Dedicated
custom. You do nothing for this cafe.

You use it like an office. You bring
your own food. You spend as little as

possible.

What the hell?

You're having food posted now?

This can't be better than my prices.

Oh, God.

What is this now?

It's all a set of encyclopedias.

It's a theory, Thomas.

Close enough.

Oh, my goodness, this is such an honour.

Oh, calm down, Meryl Streep. It's not an
Oscar.

No, but it's a sacred crust.

It's one of the cornerstones of our
democracy.

I've always been able to get out of it.

Last time I was up for it, I managed to
convince the judge I was some sort of

unstable lunatic.

Come now, Bulunt, a single cup of tea.

Michael will pay you for it when he gets
back from wherever he is. Birdie,

where's Michael gone?

Jury service.

God, Arthur, every few minutes you have
to be told again.

After all I've done for this cafe. What
do you do for this cafe?

I'm your local colour.

I'm why the tourists come in.

You are a tourist repellent.

The last time there was a tourist here,
you thought he was picking a fight.

He kept spitting at me. He was Dutch.

Yes, hindsight is a wonderful thing,
isn't it? Isn't it, Michael?

Where's Michael gone? Bernie!

Oh!

Afternoon all.

Oh, thank God!

There he is, Postman Pat.

Don't start calling me Postman Pat. I'm
doing you a favour.

You still haven't told us, Arthur.

Why did you have to seal up your
letterbox?

Well, Eggie, if you must know, I caught
a dog watching me through it when I was

in my underpants.

Remember the good old days, Arthur, when
you could just leave your front door

open? These days, it's just perverted
dogs.

I had me Kevins on. Maybe that was it.

Kevins? Kevin Clines.

Their underpants, which I'm told, are
quite fashionable.

You were Calvin Klein's? Kevin, Michael,
Kevin Klein's. They wouldn't do Calvin

Klein's at the market.

About a week ago, I bought three dozen
pairs, along with a Carol Lagerfeld coat

and a hat designed by Victor Beckham.

Can I get your opinion?

Do you think this jumper says, I respect
the law?

It actually does.

Michael, you're doing a good thing, but
you need to calm down a bit.

Just excited.

You can see the courtroom. It's very
intimidating.

And have you seen a judge up close?
They're much bigger than you think.

Oh.

No, they just sit high up.

I think the judge and I have some sort
of silent rapport.

It's like he knows I'd be a good judge
if I wanted to be a judge.

Well, I think you have to be a lawyer
first.

Oh, yeah.

Pay for me. Pay for me, tea.

What's the magic word?

Now.

Uh, no.

No, I don't think so.

What? No.

Sorry, Arthur. I'm not doing it anymore.

How dare you withhold money from
Bullard?

If there's one thing that the last
couple of days have taught me, it is

are all part of a magical interlocking
mechanism that I like to call society.

And society only works if we are all
pulling our weight. Otherwise, you're

like... A dog peeping through a
letterbox, trying to get something for

Well, it appears we have reached an
impasse.

You'll find that in the early parts of
this program, we'll notice that there

some connection between...

I'm

going to have to live with that for the
rest of my life.

Look, he's a judge.

You're in the jury. You're not besties.
You're not peers.

I want to kill myself.

Oh, please don't. I can't be single
again.

Michael.

I loved what you said yesterday about
society.

What a beautiful way of putting it. The
mechanism.

Yes.

In contemplating it, I felt very like
Professor Brian Cox does when he looks

a dinosaur or some salt.

I'm going to think about the bigger
picture because we're all part of

bigger. It really, really does make you
think.

It's my phone.

Hugely annoying.

I didn't choose it. This is you messing
with my settings again.

People think I'm about to make a speech
every time I get a text.

I didn't mean to do that. I was just
trying to sort out your sodding

Radiating chimes. You should be ashamed
of yourself.

Just leave my phone alone.

I can't connect to the internet anymore.

Last night I was woken up by a U2 album.

Passcode, anyway.

Guessing 4 -3 -2 -1 does not make me a
criminal, Master Chief.

Would it be a bad time to ask for my
post?

I am not making a speech.

Oh, here, Michael, this is one of yours.

Oh, no, leave it, Eggie. I'll give it to
him later on.

I see you've got your tea privileges
reinstated.

Oh, Michael, he always comes good in the
end. There's nothing he wouldn't do for

me. Oh,

what was that?

Oh, are you all right, Arthur?

Oh, I've got a funny warm feeling in my
stomach.

Somehow it seems to be connected with
Michael.

I know what that is. That's an emotion
called gratitude, Arthur.

And most humans would have that.

Oh, it's lovely.

It reminds me of when I was trying to
get Michael to get me a cup of tea when

was banging on about Brian Cox.

It's that sort of feeling.

I'd call it a Brian Cox rush.

sense back there, even if you were just
trying to get a cup of tea out of him.

Now I'm getting a sort of horrible
opposite feeling, like someone has

salt on Brian Cox.

That's called guilt.

How do I get rid of the salty Brian Cox
feeling and get the dinosaur one back?

Maybe you could do something nice for
Michael.

I see.

You could pay him a visit at the
courtroom and give him a boost.

Great idea.

Now, Arthur, he won't want that.

Oh, come on, Eggie, don't be so selfish.

What could make him happier than looking
up and seeing a row of friendly faces?

Now you put it like that.

Yeah, and that's why they have seats,
you know, so everyone can go and cheer.

Oh, it'd be like going to the films for
free.

We'd only have to pay for ice creams and
drinks.

I'm in.

What about you, John? Are you coming?
There might be a juicy case on, like a

murder, or maybe they've caught a witch.

Better not, Arthur.

Why not, John?

Well, Birdie, in my youth, I fell in
with a lot of bad apples, and I wouldn't

want them to see me in a courthouse and
think that I turned grass.

Oh, John, what are the chances of that
happening?

If you're not in a firm and you're
sitting in a courthouse...

This is not a very good look, Arthur.

Oh, come on. Stop thinking about
yourself, John. We're all part of

bigger. Let's go and make this an
unforgettable day for Michael.

This'll be the one.

Are you sure this is the right
courthouse?

I am, Birdie. It'll be in this one.

Oh, look. The circus is in town.

Oh, this feels good, doesn't it? I feel
a warm glow.

You're doing something nice for someone,
Arthur.

That's... That's the feeling you get.

Is it?

Look, there's Michael.

There you are.

Good luck, Michael.

With you on the way, Michael.

Could I have silence in my courtroom,
please?

Oh, look, it's the accused.

a minute, Birdie. We don't know if he's
guilty or not yet.

Yay!

Good luck, son.

Right. Right, who said that?

Who's making all that noise?

That's the gentleman in the raincoat.
Can I have him removed, please?

Me? Why?

I haven't done anything.

What are you doing?

We just wanted to give you a bit of
support.

a football match.

All right, all right, we're going.

Oh, here, there was one for you in that
pile of post. You must have got it mixed

up.

OK, give it to me.

You got it here somewhere.

Hello, John.

Hello.

What brings you here today?

You been a naughty boy?

No, no, it's just... What's going on
with you?

Well, they brought Big Frank in.

Big Frank?

I didn't know he was out.

Yeah, they got him for GBH.

Somehow they got a witness to appear.

You know, had him here on a three, did
something with his voice, he couldn't

recognise him.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Would you say you're here for
again?

Hello, John.

Hello, Tom.

What are you doing here, then?

Well, that's what I've been asking him.
Didn't expect to see you here. Well,

that's what I've been thinking.

Oh, you haven't turned grass?

Yeah.

You know me, boys.

No, I'm looking for another outfit now.

Oh, yeah?

Who's running it?

Arthur Lack.

That's him over there.

You're only eight, John.

Yeah.

Good to see you, boys.

See you later.

Let's see where he's off to.

Hello, Steph.

Can you get me CID?

They might want to have a look at this.

Do you believe him? Well, I don't think
he's a grass, Mr Duncan.

Though he did join another firm.

What did he say his name was again?

Arthur the Act. Arthur the Act.

Never heard of him.

Well, he's some sort of operator.

Yeah.

Got good luck at him.

Oiling up a juror from another trial.

I'm a little insulted.

John told me he was going straight, and
now here you are telling me he's got a

new best friend.

I thought I was his best friend.

Well, with respect, Mr. Danton, looks
like things have changed.

Have they now?

Yes.

Give Dr. Tedder.

Perhaps I should give some explanation
about what has just transpired.

There are three conditions by which a
charge like this may be considered

successful.

First condition... Ringtone.

Under ringtone.

You shouldn't be messing with his phone,
Arthur.

Bloody radiated chimes.

But that's not highlighted.

Record your own is highlighted.

Here comes Michael. I'll take it into
the toilet and fix it in there.

Might as well make the best of it.

Oh, lovely warm seat.

Someone must have just left it.

Actually, this feels like it's going to
be a painful one.

I'm going to hold on to the side.

Here you go, Eggie.

What's this?

It's a list of tools I'm hoping to get a
lend on.

I'm removing a tree from her next door's
garden.

Oh, I tell you what, Eggie, I can't get
enough of being lovely to people.

I'm getting a massive buzz off of it.

Use a toothpick, will you?

What's this say?

Tramps. Tramps. Bin bags.

Can't you read?

Squadron.

Handsaw.

Pending. Shovel.

It's your writing, Arthur.

Oh, I'll just tell you. You write it
down.

You're right.

It's just something gone down the wrong
way.

I'll be all right.

Mm -hmm.

What is it?

These guys are no good.

Look, like they own the place.

Can I help you?

Might as well do some business while
we're here. Yeah, actually.

Oh.

Hello, darling.

Some instructor is funny.

I said, can I help you?

Yeah. Well, we're doing a neighbourhood
watch scheme. You know, keeping an eye

on some of the businesses in the area.

Thought you might like to contribute a
small amount to cover our expenses.

Right. We'll need an axe.

Axe?

Biggest one they've got. One you can
really get hold of.

Yeah, yeah. I've got you.

Are you sure, mate? I mean, it's not
much money, for peace of mind.

I think we're OK.

Mate.

Good sharp saw.

OK.

What's that for? We can't get rid of it
all at once. We have to saw the limbs

off, bring it all up in pieces.

I like the way you're thinking.

Oh, bin bags. We don't want to leave any
mess.

Yeah, yeah. I've done this before,
Arthur.

Run.

What?

You know those guys?

What guys?

Oh, when I want to get her a little
present.

How about some lovely chrysanthemums?

Will you have a drink?

He's the real deal, Mr Duncan.

Is he now?

Yes.

I want to meet him.

See what he's made of.

Bring him over.

And what if he says no?

Take young Bobby with you.

But, Mr Duncan, this is me new suit.

Can I at least go home and change?

No, leave it on.

I'll encourage you not to lose the head
too much.

We'll see.

Come on, boys.

There

it

is.

Silly boy.

Yeah, we got one.

Eggie, I've got something for you.

Do you want this?

Your fly rod? But that's your favourite,
Arthur.

Oh, no. I can't help myself, Eggie.
Arthur, you've got to face it. You're

addicted to feeling like Brian Cox when
he looks at things.

You're right.

I'm chasing that Brian Cox feeling.

Helping old ladies across the street
just doesn't do it for me anymore.

Everyone's talking about how you've
changed.

I'm worried about you, Arthur. I can
handle it, Eggie. I can quit any time I

want. Anyway, take it. Take the rod.
Take it.

No. I don't want to be a part of this.

Which one?

Yeah, that's him over there.

Oi, you, Arthur.

I'm arresting you on suspicion of
perverting the course of justice. You do

have to say anything, but it may harm
your defence if you do not mention when

questioned something you later rely on
in court.

Anything you do say may be given in
evidence.

What?

Sir? Come on, sir.

Oh, my God, is this really happening?

This is really happening.

How is this really happening?

This is really happening.

That's Arthur.

You know him, do you?

Yes. He was just giving me my post.

It was just a bloody pizza menu in the
end.

A pizza menu?

In an envelope?

Yes.

I don't know why they do it.

You see, Baker, we've been looking into
your Mr Strong.

It seems he's been causing some ripples
in the exciting world of organised

crime.

Organised crime?

Arthur?

Arthur couldn't organise anything.

Well, if that's the case, you won't mind
doing us a little favour?

Well, yes, yes, of course.

Just have a little visit with your
friend, ask him how his week's been, get

gossip.

A wire?

You want me to wear a wire and speak to
Arthur?

Looking at seven years, otherwise.

Seven years what?

Well, prison.

I am entering the cafe.

I am sitting in the cafe.

Michael, sit.

Approaching target.

So, what's been going on?

Eh?

Cos, um, I haven't been around a lot,
have I? So whatever's happening has

nothing to do with me.

Whatever's going on.

What are you all about?

Why did you come to the court to see me,
remember?

Oh, that was just to show my
appreciation for all you do for me.

So much you do.

Just my way of saying thank you.

Stop it. No, no, I won't stop it. This
is the new me, Michael. I'm nice now. I

just want to be nice to everyone.

He's on to us.

Shift. Sorry, we're in the middle of
something.

I'm going to sit over there now because
I want to suddenly.

You think you're an operator?

Big man around town, everybody knows
your name.

Passing out favours, friend of the
community.

Is that Eddie Duncan?

That's Eddie Duncan.

Very clever.

I like it.

Oh, thank you very much.

I want you to understand something.

You are a bug to me. I could crush you
just by shifting my weight.

Sorry, who did you say you were again?

His name's Eddie Duncan. Mr. Eddie
Duncan. Calm down. There's no need for

bedlam. After all, you've already showed
me what you're capable of.

And we're both too much at stake to
start a war.

Things are going well for me at the
moment.

Money's rolling in. I've even got a
judge on the payroll.

A judge?

What's his name?

Is he all right?

He's all right.

Clayton.

That's my judge.

Since when? That's our judge.

I'm going to make you an offer.

Just a goodwill gesture.

You'd be wise to accept.

Oh, I see. You want to give me
something.

Ah, ah, you're like me.

You're trying to get that buzz.

Do what?

That Brian Cox feeling.

I completely understand.

It's highly addictive, isn't it? I don't
know what you're talking about. Oh, I'm

sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you.
What did you want to give me?

Territory. I'm willing to let you have
everything between Lennox Street and

Mount Street.

Everything between Lennox Street and
Mount Street.

Is that all yours?

Yeah, and now I'm giving it to you.

Even the Specsavers?

Yeah. And the travel agents?

Yes, all of it.

I own the Specsavers and the travel
agents.

Well... That's very generous of you. You
must be suffering a massive explosion

in your head.

Take it or leave it.

I'll take it.

And now I'm going to give it all away.

Don't, Arthur.

It's too generous.

Your system can't take it.

I don't care, Eggie. I'm going for it.

Birdie, do you want a couple of rugs? I
don't know how, but somehow I own them.

They're yours if you want them.

Oh, um, all right.

We did this.

We're going to put away a real bad guy.

Still don't really know what happened
then.

Where's John?

I haven't seen him for a few days.

Good morning, sir. How can I help you?
One ticket to Uruguay.

I suppose you want payment for that.

It's under your house.

Any chance of a biscuit?

In the course of this, you learned Judge
Clayton was, as they say, in the pocket

of Eddie Duncan.

That's right.

The same Judge Clayton you see here
today.

Yes,

that's him there.

Metal detectors at the ready for a
comedy find on BBC iPlayer. Mackenzie

stars in The Detectorist, available now.

Head balls, hop, what's it, into the How
I Got News For You guest host chair

here next on BBC One. Joining regulars
Ian and Paul.