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1
00:00:19,060 --> 00:00:21,640
Hello? Hello. Can you tell me who I'm
talking to, please?
2
00:00:22,060 --> 00:00:23,420
I don't know. I can't see you.
3
00:00:26,740 --> 00:00:27,740
I'm sorry?
4
00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:30,320
I can't see you. What does he look like?
5
00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:39,720
Who? The person you're speaking to.
6
00:00:42,180 --> 00:00:43,960
Oh, no, no. I meant you.
7
00:00:44,660 --> 00:00:45,860
Me? Yes.
8
00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:47,180
What about me?
9
00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:49,240
Can you tell me who you are?
10
00:00:49,540 --> 00:00:52,900
Oh, I see. Oh, yes, yes, I can certainly
do that.
11
00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:00,220
Well? Very well, thank you. How are you?
12
00:01:02,260 --> 00:01:04,000
Can you tell me who you are?
13
00:01:04,239 --> 00:01:05,280
I already said.
14
00:01:05,540 --> 00:01:09,940
You didn't? I did. You asked me if I
could tell you who I am, and I told you
15
00:01:09,940 --> 00:01:11,060
could. Dear, oh, dear.
16
00:01:16,420 --> 00:01:17,420
Well?
17
00:01:17,630 --> 00:01:18,790
Very well, thank you very much.
18
00:01:19,930 --> 00:01:21,730
Now, what's your name?
19
00:01:22,110 --> 00:01:23,730
Oh, I do apologise.
20
00:01:24,290 --> 00:01:25,290
Arthur Strong.
21
00:01:25,470 --> 00:01:26,610
Count Arthur Strong.
22
00:01:26,810 --> 00:01:28,230
Hi, Arthur. I'm Eddie.
23
00:01:29,110 --> 00:01:30,110
Eddie?
24
00:01:30,450 --> 00:01:33,130
Well, I never... Hello, Eddie.
25
00:01:33,370 --> 00:01:34,370
How are things?
26
00:01:35,810 --> 00:01:37,290
They're good. Thank you, Arthur.
27
00:01:37,730 --> 00:01:41,310
It's a turn -up for the books you're
calling me after all these years. You
28
00:01:41,310 --> 00:01:43,050
have been in your 90s by now.
29
00:01:45,350 --> 00:01:47,290
Now... We don't know each other.
30
00:01:47,890 --> 00:01:48,890
Beg your pardon, Eddie?
31
00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:51,090
We don't know each other.
32
00:01:51,430 --> 00:01:55,770
Well, I suppose you may have a point. I
mean, we only met a couple of times. And
33
00:01:55,770 --> 00:02:01,250
who can say one really knows another
person? I mean, really knows them deep
34
00:02:01,250 --> 00:02:02,250
inside.
35
00:02:02,710 --> 00:02:06,250
Oh, and how's Barbara doing, Eddie? Did
she have the operation?
36
00:02:07,450 --> 00:02:09,270
No, no, we don't know each other.
37
00:02:09,810 --> 00:02:12,470
What? You and Barbara? I thought you
were very close.
38
00:02:12,970 --> 00:02:14,990
We don't know each other.
39
00:02:15,470 --> 00:02:20,550
I'm not that Eddie. There's no Barbara.
I'm calling about life insurance. I want
40
00:02:20,550 --> 00:02:23,250
to know if you're interested in life
insurance.
41
00:02:23,770 --> 00:02:24,770
Life insurance?
42
00:02:25,170 --> 00:02:26,690
Yes. Are you interested?
43
00:02:27,110 --> 00:02:28,110
No.
44
00:02:37,310 --> 00:02:40,390
Eddie, after all these years...
45
00:03:06,410 --> 00:03:07,089
What's happening?
46
00:03:07,090 --> 00:03:08,090
I've got satellite.
47
00:03:08,670 --> 00:03:09,830
900 channels.
48
00:03:11,070 --> 00:03:13,150
Most of them just the worst kind of pap.
49
00:03:19,150 --> 00:03:21,630
Anyway, I just got it for dangerous
attraction.
50
00:03:22,310 --> 00:03:23,129
What's that?
51
00:03:23,130 --> 00:03:24,510
Oh, don't get him started.
52
00:03:24,970 --> 00:03:26,070
A weekly drama.
53
00:03:26,370 --> 00:03:31,270
It's a soap. A weekly drama about a
brother and sister who run a business.
54
00:03:31,730 --> 00:03:33,210
Their lives are ruined.
55
00:03:33,770 --> 00:03:37,610
When an interloper steals the sister
away, goes to a rift which never heals.
56
00:03:42,170 --> 00:03:43,170
Right.
57
00:03:43,470 --> 00:03:46,990
Last week, the brother put poison in the
interloper's drink which made his
58
00:03:46,990 --> 00:03:48,330
manhood fall off. £1 .30.
59
00:03:52,470 --> 00:03:54,650
Turkey steaks are so over the top.
60
00:03:55,010 --> 00:03:55,849
Yes, yes.
61
00:03:55,850 --> 00:03:57,090
Just a bit far -fetched.
62
00:03:57,310 --> 00:03:59,670
Yes. Something like that would never
happen.
63
00:04:06,670 --> 00:04:07,670
Tap shoes.
64
00:04:07,710 --> 00:04:10,330
It's a long way to Tipperary.
65
00:04:10,990 --> 00:04:13,510
It's a long way to go.
66
00:04:19,850 --> 00:04:21,390
How are you doing that? You're hardly
moving.
67
00:04:21,990 --> 00:04:25,610
Oh, well, you see, most tap shoes only
have two tap points at the front and
68
00:04:25,610 --> 00:04:29,730
back. I've had two more put on the sides
of these, so it sounds like you're a
69
00:04:29,730 --> 00:04:30,850
couple of skill levels up.
70
00:04:37,830 --> 00:04:39,530
and I've just got off the phone with an
old friend.
71
00:04:41,090 --> 00:04:43,950
What about you? You must be feeling
pretty good about yourself.
72
00:04:45,270 --> 00:04:47,330
Yes? Love is in the air.
73
00:04:48,430 --> 00:04:49,430
Yep.
74
00:04:50,050 --> 00:04:51,050
What's wrong?
75
00:04:51,770 --> 00:04:52,770
I don't know.
76
00:04:52,810 --> 00:04:55,550
Just... I'm not used to things going
well.
77
00:04:56,170 --> 00:04:59,830
I always feel like some terrible thing
is going to happen just to even it all
78
00:04:59,830 --> 00:05:01,530
out. Oh, for crying out loud.
79
00:05:01,850 --> 00:05:02,890
I can't help it.
80
00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:06,350
Every piece of good news goes straight
to my back.
81
00:05:06,670 --> 00:05:11,670
It says 637, but that's not it. Ladies
and gentlemen, I am Mr. Mystery Man.
82
00:05:11,930 --> 00:05:13,330
Hey, look at this, Arthur.
83
00:05:14,290 --> 00:05:16,430
That turban looks a bit like yours.
84
00:05:16,670 --> 00:05:18,290
That's my memory man act.
85
00:05:21,930 --> 00:05:23,570
What program is this?
86
00:05:23,850 --> 00:05:25,570
The psychic hotline.
87
00:05:25,830 --> 00:05:27,110
And what we're going to get is...
88
00:05:35,050 --> 00:05:38,210
Calm down. I'm sure he didn't feel it.
How do you explain that, then?
89
00:05:38,510 --> 00:05:41,850
Well, he's just wearing a turban. How
could he have seen it? Who else has seen
90
00:05:41,850 --> 00:05:42,749
it apart from us?
91
00:05:42,750 --> 00:05:44,930
How can you be so naive, Michael?
92
00:05:45,330 --> 00:05:46,330
He's psychic.
93
00:05:47,650 --> 00:05:48,650
And furious.
94
00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:49,890
Absolutely furious.
95
00:05:50,210 --> 00:05:51,210
Hey, calm down.
96
00:05:51,550 --> 00:05:53,350
That act is my ineffectual property.
97
00:05:53,950 --> 00:05:55,170
Who are these people?
98
00:05:55,450 --> 00:05:57,690
It's one of those premium rape phone -in
things.
99
00:05:57,910 --> 00:05:58,910
Well, I've got to stop them.
100
00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:00,630
That's defecation of character.
101
00:06:02,190 --> 00:06:03,490
Can you send them a letter on that?
102
00:06:03,710 --> 00:06:05,970
Yes, I suppose I could find their email
address or something.
103
00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:13,750
Oh, actually, Michael, do you think you
could find out their actual address for
104
00:06:13,750 --> 00:06:17,450
me? I'd much rather send them a
handwritten letter.
105
00:06:17,830 --> 00:06:20,270
Why? Oh, no reason.
106
00:06:20,470 --> 00:06:22,970
Just I prefer the personal touch.
107
00:06:24,010 --> 00:06:25,010
All right.
108
00:06:25,310 --> 00:06:29,270
You're not going to do anything silly,
are you? Fear not. A strongly worded
109
00:06:29,270 --> 00:06:31,730
letter is the full extent of my
ambition.
110
00:06:40,990 --> 00:06:41,550
I
111
00:06:41,550 --> 00:06:49,070
think
112
00:06:49,070 --> 00:06:52,990
dispatch is somewhere along that road.
You need to go left at the bottom of
113
00:06:52,990 --> 00:06:53,990
road.
114
00:07:13,610 --> 00:07:15,430
All right, all right, calm down.
115
00:07:15,690 --> 00:07:20,010
I will not calm down. You stole my act.
It's my act, is that? Take it easy,
116
00:07:20,150 --> 00:07:21,810
Arthur. I'm sure it's just a
coincidence.
117
00:07:22,210 --> 00:07:23,009
He's psychic.
118
00:07:23,010 --> 00:07:27,470
There are no coincidences with psychics.
He probably entered me in my sleep.
119
00:07:27,690 --> 00:07:30,090
That's how I do it. I should know. I'm
one myself.
120
00:07:30,390 --> 00:07:31,269
You're a psychic?
121
00:07:31,270 --> 00:07:31,929
I am.
122
00:07:31,930 --> 00:07:34,350
I tell the future, read minds a lot.
123
00:07:34,630 --> 00:07:35,389
Test me.
124
00:07:35,390 --> 00:07:38,510
No, there's no need for that. No need
for that. There you are. I knew what you
125
00:07:38,510 --> 00:07:39,670
were going to say before you said it.
126
00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:43,040
Listen, there's someone I'd like you to
meet. Someone I'd like to meet.
127
00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:46,260
Let's go this way. Yes, I will.
128
00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:54,960
So, Arthur, I understand you have a
complaint about one of our presenters.
129
00:07:55,260 --> 00:07:56,260
Too right, I do.
130
00:07:56,340 --> 00:07:57,800
James. The turban.
131
00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:00,940
Yeah, he was just trying it out. We can
certainly ask him to stop wearing it.
132
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:03,700
And you're a psychic yourself.
133
00:08:04,180 --> 00:08:09,380
Psychic, magician, actor, singer. I do,
um, uh, uh, windows, the lot.
134
00:08:09,770 --> 00:08:11,730
You name it, I've stuck a finger in it.
135
00:08:15,710 --> 00:08:19,450
Why do I recognise him? He's the one
that punched the politician and became a
136
00:08:19,450 --> 00:08:20,329
local hero.
137
00:08:20,330 --> 00:08:21,330
Right!
138
00:08:22,370 --> 00:08:23,870
And you're thinking the four o 'clock
slot?
139
00:08:24,410 --> 00:08:26,950
He's eccentric, but that sometimes plays
well.
140
00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:42,559
had some very good news.
141
00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:45,120
Oh, no.
142
00:08:45,460 --> 00:08:46,460
I know.
143
00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:48,520
You know, Bill Mason, the film director.
144
00:08:49,260 --> 00:08:51,180
Apparently he really likes my book. Oh,
sorry.
145
00:08:52,580 --> 00:08:57,000
He's making a film about the old Variety
days and he wants me to help him write
146
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:58,000
his own.
147
00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:00,180
That's great. Michael, that's amazing.
148
00:09:00,700 --> 00:09:01,700
I know.
149
00:09:02,060 --> 00:09:03,280
They gave me a job.
150
00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:07,080
What? Yesterday at the Psychic Hotline.
151
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:10,320
I'm going to be a Psychic Hotline
psychic.
152
00:09:13,070 --> 00:09:17,170
They said I had all the qualities they
look for in a presenter. This is going
153
00:09:17,170 --> 00:09:19,730
be bigger than when I had that meeting
with Louis Walsh.
154
00:09:20,510 --> 00:09:23,230
Strictly speaking, that wasn't a
meeting, Arthur. You saw him on the
155
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:24,230
you chased him.
156
00:09:24,650 --> 00:09:27,250
Yes, and when I took him down, I met
him.
157
00:09:28,710 --> 00:09:30,230
How is that not a meeting?
158
00:09:30,870 --> 00:09:32,930
You're always trying to poke holes, you.
159
00:09:33,130 --> 00:09:35,890
No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm sorry, Arthur.
I'm sorry. I'm pleased for you.
160
00:09:36,190 --> 00:09:40,930
Here, Iggy, John, do you want to come
and see me do my first show? As my very
161
00:09:40,930 --> 00:09:42,210
special guest, of course.
162
00:09:44,890 --> 00:09:45,890
Hello, Sheila.
163
00:09:46,090 --> 00:09:47,790
Next stop, Hollywood, Arthur.
164
00:09:48,070 --> 00:09:50,390
Oh, now, now, Iggy, let's get ahead of
ourselves.
165
00:09:51,270 --> 00:09:54,490
But perhaps I should start the visa
process.
166
00:09:56,570 --> 00:09:58,870
I've just found out how much money
they're going to pay me.
167
00:10:06,869 --> 00:10:08,150
Hey, well,
168
00:10:08,870 --> 00:10:11,230
look at all this fruit.
169
00:10:12,170 --> 00:10:13,290
Five bananas.
170
00:10:14,410 --> 00:10:18,090
A banana for every day of the week,
excluding weekends.
171
00:10:18,930 --> 00:10:24,170
Oh, I tell you what, this is it, lads.
I've made it. I'm back, back at the top.
172
00:10:24,450 --> 00:10:25,970
There's a shower. Is there?
173
00:10:26,190 --> 00:10:30,710
Oh, well, of course. One often finds
showers in the high -end dressing rooms.
174
00:10:31,010 --> 00:10:32,050
Oh, no shower.
175
00:10:33,710 --> 00:10:35,950
There's a fridge just for water.
176
00:10:36,210 --> 00:10:38,450
Oh, again, it's very common.
177
00:10:39,150 --> 00:10:43,190
The fruit, the shower, now a fridge full
of water.
178
00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:45,570
This is a whole new world.
179
00:10:45,950 --> 00:10:50,130
Oh, these trappings of stardom are
meaningless to one such as I.
180
00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:54,470
Remember, it's not the first time I've
risen to these rarefied heights.
181
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:56,960
Okay, Arthur, we're ready for you.
182
00:10:58,820 --> 00:11:00,700
What have I got to do?
183
00:11:01,420 --> 00:11:02,419
Calm down.
184
00:11:02,420 --> 00:11:03,520
I'm sure you'll be great.
185
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:04,800
Just be yourself.
186
00:11:05,580 --> 00:11:06,680
Right, thank you, Annabel.
187
00:11:07,060 --> 00:11:08,060
Let's get you into make -up, then.
188
00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:09,500
Right -o.
189
00:11:09,580 --> 00:11:10,580
Come on, Eggie.
190
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:18,560
Well, hello.
191
00:11:24,810 --> 00:11:25,810
Right, good luck.
192
00:11:26,230 --> 00:11:27,750
Remember, just be yourself.
193
00:11:28,130 --> 00:11:30,810
Put this in your ear. I'll be there
whenever you get into trouble, OK? Yes,
194
00:11:31,430 --> 00:11:33,490
There we go.
195
00:11:34,370 --> 00:11:35,370
All good?
196
00:11:36,090 --> 00:11:37,090
OK,
197
00:11:40,030 --> 00:11:42,910
on in ten, nine...
198
00:12:02,570 --> 00:12:03,570
It's Count Arthur Strong.
199
00:12:04,090 --> 00:12:07,730
Welcome to my mystical world of
mesmerism.
200
00:12:08,730 --> 00:12:11,090
Let's go to line one.
201
00:12:11,870 --> 00:12:13,770
Hi, my name's Matt.
202
00:12:14,710 --> 00:12:15,710
Where's Craig?
203
00:12:15,810 --> 00:12:17,050
There is no Craig.
204
00:12:17,450 --> 00:12:19,870
You said there was. My name is Sally
Craig.
205
00:12:20,350 --> 00:12:21,530
Oh, I see.
206
00:12:21,810 --> 00:12:22,810
Craig's your husband.
207
00:12:23,930 --> 00:12:28,750
Right then, Sally. Now we've got your
name sorted out, we can get on to... I
208
00:12:28,750 --> 00:12:31,010
can't remember why I called you now.
209
00:12:31,210 --> 00:12:32,210
I told you.
210
00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:35,960
I don't know if he's terrible or
brilliant.
211
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:39,400
Well, look how long he's keeping him on
the phone. It's taking him five minutes
212
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:40,400
to figure out their name.
213
00:12:40,820 --> 00:12:41,820
How many calls, Andy?
214
00:12:41,980 --> 00:12:42,980
It's a full list.
215
00:12:43,140 --> 00:12:44,140
People like him.
216
00:12:44,700 --> 00:12:46,660
Well, you can get it from the shops,
can't you?
217
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:49,800
You're in a cave, I guess.
218
00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:51,320
What are you talking about?
219
00:12:51,580 --> 00:12:52,580
It stinks.
220
00:12:52,740 --> 00:12:54,560
What? He's conning people.
221
00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:56,700
Talking to them on the phone to get
their money.
222
00:12:57,060 --> 00:12:58,940
I've had my problems with idiot men, but
this?
223
00:12:59,340 --> 00:13:00,560
I never expected this.
224
00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:06,300
All right, that's lovely.
225
00:13:06,500 --> 00:13:07,500
Thank you.
226
00:13:07,540 --> 00:13:08,540
Bye.
227
00:13:09,940 --> 00:13:10,940
Oh!
228
00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:13,760
Oh, my God! Look at you!
229
00:13:14,180 --> 00:13:17,340
Will you please cheer up? What's going
to happen?
230
00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:18,640
What?
231
00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,820
Something's going to happen.
Everything's going too well.
232
00:13:22,140 --> 00:13:23,140
What's it going to be?
233
00:13:23,500 --> 00:13:26,900
What's what going to be? The thing. The
terrible thing.
234
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:29,420
It's going to be big, I know it.
235
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:31,200
Michael?
236
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:32,640
Yeah?
237
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:36,260
The world doesn't work like that.
238
00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:39,800
Yeah, I know.
239
00:13:40,100 --> 00:13:43,860
You have just as much right to be happy
as anyone else.
240
00:13:46,420 --> 00:13:47,420
I know.
241
00:13:48,980 --> 00:13:49,980
Thank you.
242
00:13:50,180 --> 00:13:51,180
Michael!
243
00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:56,220
I never got round to asking you if you
saw my programme.
244
00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:58,660
Yes, yes, yes, we did.
245
00:13:59,220 --> 00:14:00,300
What did you think of it?
246
00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:02,220
It's good, it's good.
247
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:08,440
I like it when you do your songs in your
silly jokes. This does seem to be you
248
00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:10,640
just... on the phone.
249
00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:15,400
Yes, yes, but it's one step at a time.
You can't expect to be on the Royal
250
00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:19,440
Variety Performance after a week on the
telly. You have to start small.
251
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:26,680
But even the tiniest acorn will one day
grow into a... a massive chicken.
252
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:34,900
I hope you don't get too famous that you
won't speak to me. Oh, it'll take much
253
00:14:34,900 --> 00:14:37,000
more than the psychotic hotline to do
that.
254
00:14:37,940 --> 00:14:41,260
I think you'll find we have our heads
screwed on tight around here.
255
00:14:47,540 --> 00:14:48,540
Hi,
256
00:14:55,780 --> 00:14:56,780
boys.
257
00:14:57,860 --> 00:14:59,020
Hello. Hello, John.
258
00:14:59,220 --> 00:15:00,220
All right, John.
259
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:04,280
Did you see the match last night? I did.
They're looking quite handy at the
260
00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:05,280
moment. Topped them.
261
00:15:05,620 --> 00:15:08,860
Yeah. They could do with another
striker, though. True, true.
262
00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:13,300
What the hell was that?
263
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:14,960
What was what?
264
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:16,640
That. What's that?
265
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:19,760
Oh, you noticed, did you? It's a subtle
effect. Not everybody does.
266
00:15:20,940 --> 00:15:23,200
Subtle? He's got a cat on his head.
267
00:15:28,220 --> 00:15:29,460
Hello, Michael Baker speaking.
268
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:33,380
Michael, Mr. Mason is running a bit
late. Are you okay to hang on another
269
00:15:33,380 --> 00:15:36,380
minutes? Um, yeah, that's fine. Thank
you, thank you.
270
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:41,340
Just, uh, just waiting for a call from
Bill Mason.
271
00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:48,420
Doesn't matter. He's a famous director.
272
00:15:49,020 --> 00:15:55,420
Oh, oh, oh, of course, Bill Mason, the
famous director. Oh, yes, yes.
273
00:15:55,940 --> 00:15:59,920
Hey. It's really happening for both of
us, isn't it? How is Bill?
274
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,280
Do you know him? No.
275
00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:04,600
But you know Oliver Reed?
276
00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:06,080
Yep. I know him.
277
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:10,080
In the car with him. Oh, he's full of
life, he is.
278
00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:12,080
Not anymore.
279
00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:13,280
What?
280
00:16:13,420 --> 00:16:14,420
He's dead now, of course.
281
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,980
How are you expecting a phone call from
him, then?
282
00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:19,700
I'm not.
283
00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:22,860
You said you were. No, I'm expecting a
call from Bill Mason.
284
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:24,200
About Oliver Reed?
285
00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:27,200
No. About a film. He wants me to write a
film with him.
286
00:16:28,020 --> 00:16:29,020
About Oliver Reed?
287
00:16:31,220 --> 00:16:33,280
What then? Is Oliver Reed going to be in
it?
288
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,180
No. I thought he was dead.
289
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:36,720
He is.
290
00:16:37,540 --> 00:16:39,200
Then how is he going to be in the film?
291
00:16:39,860 --> 00:16:42,780
Oliver Reed has got nothing to do with
it. Then why do you keep going on about
292
00:16:42,780 --> 00:16:43,780
it?
293
00:16:44,140 --> 00:16:48,240
You brought him up. I didn't. You said
you were expecting a call from him.
294
00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:51,220
Michael, could you help me with
something outside, please?
295
00:16:51,500 --> 00:16:53,160
Oh, yes, yeah, of course.
296
00:16:54,890 --> 00:16:57,650
What is it? Can I help you with... Oh.
297
00:16:59,130 --> 00:17:00,130
All right. Oh.
298
00:17:00,570 --> 00:17:01,650
Well, yes, I can help you with that.
299
00:17:02,810 --> 00:17:04,170
Is Michael all right?
300
00:17:04,390 --> 00:17:06,030
He seems a bit jumpy today.
301
00:17:06,470 --> 00:17:08,650
I was expecting a phone call from Oliver
Reed.
302
00:17:09,450 --> 00:17:10,450
He's dead.
303
00:17:10,589 --> 00:17:11,589
He is.
304
00:17:12,690 --> 00:17:14,829
So I don't know how I was expecting a
phone call.
305
00:17:20,210 --> 00:17:21,869
You should answer that, Arthur.
306
00:17:44,690 --> 00:17:48,430
Do you mind if we press straight on?
I've just a small window, I'm afraid.
307
00:17:48,430 --> 00:17:49,690
me introduce you around the room.
308
00:17:49,930 --> 00:17:51,150
I'm here with Martin Stark.
309
00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:52,469
Hi, Michael.
310
00:17:52,470 --> 00:17:54,250
Oh, but... Sandra Clancy.
311
00:17:54,470 --> 00:17:55,470
Hello, Michael.
312
00:17:55,650 --> 00:17:57,010
Hello, but... Warren Stevens.
313
00:17:57,550 --> 00:17:59,670
Hello. Oh, hello, Warren. Jake
Mankiewicz.
314
00:18:01,110 --> 00:18:02,110
Hello, Jake.
315
00:18:02,270 --> 00:18:03,750
And Monica Freeman.
316
00:18:03,950 --> 00:18:04,529
Hello there.
317
00:18:04,530 --> 00:18:08,090
Oh, hello. That's a lovely name, that
Monica, isn't it? You don't hear that
318
00:18:08,090 --> 00:18:09,150
much these days, do you?
319
00:18:10,090 --> 00:18:11,090
Is that everyone?
320
00:18:11,470 --> 00:18:12,470
It is.
321
00:18:12,570 --> 00:18:15,350
Right, let me tell you who I... got here
with me.
322
00:18:18,730 --> 00:18:20,770
I've got John, John the Watch.
323
00:18:21,090 --> 00:18:22,130
Say hello, John.
324
00:18:22,470 --> 00:18:23,470
What? Say hello.
325
00:18:25,770 --> 00:18:26,770
Hello.
326
00:18:28,910 --> 00:18:30,550
Hello, John.
327
00:18:31,190 --> 00:18:32,730
Who am I speaking to?
328
00:18:35,450 --> 00:18:37,570
Better get back in, but I won't notice.
329
00:18:37,930 --> 00:18:39,670
Oh, I'll let him notice.
330
00:18:41,130 --> 00:18:43,710
I could stay here all day at the phone
call. The phone call! The phone call!
331
00:18:44,510 --> 00:18:45,510
Hello, Monica.
332
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:47,930
That's a lovely name, isn't it?
333
00:18:48,130 --> 00:18:50,330
You don't hear that very often these
days, do you?
334
00:18:50,910 --> 00:18:53,110
Sorry, Michael, who are these people?
335
00:18:53,510 --> 00:18:56,870
Well, I keep trying to tell you I'm not
Michael, but you and your friends just
336
00:18:56,870 --> 00:18:57,870
keep saying hello.
337
00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,070
Wait, is Michael even there?
338
00:18:59,370 --> 00:19:01,490
Um, I think he might be on the toilet.
339
00:19:02,110 --> 00:19:05,390
He was looking uncomfortable earlier, so
it wouldn't surprise me.
340
00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:07,370
Do you want me to bang on the door?
341
00:19:08,790 --> 00:19:09,790
Hello?
342
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:16,840
Oh, it's all right. I just told him you
were on the toilet.
343
00:19:34,980 --> 00:19:35,980
Arthur.
344
00:19:37,580 --> 00:19:38,580
Arthur, I need some advice.
345
00:19:39,630 --> 00:19:43,330
All right, but you'll have to be quick.
I'm expecting a very important call from
346
00:19:43,330 --> 00:19:44,330
the studio.
347
00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:45,350
Right, OK.
348
00:19:45,910 --> 00:19:47,870
The terrible thing.
349
00:19:48,850 --> 00:19:49,850
It happened.
350
00:19:50,270 --> 00:19:51,270
What?
351
00:19:51,570 --> 00:19:53,490
You remember Bill, the director of the
film?
352
00:19:55,130 --> 00:19:56,130
It's on.
353
00:19:56,630 --> 00:19:57,750
But that's the good thing.
354
00:19:58,350 --> 00:20:03,010
Yes, but I hadn't realised that he wants
me to go to LA to work with him on it.
355
00:20:04,310 --> 00:20:05,810
I could be gone...
356
00:20:12,780 --> 00:20:13,780
gone for months.
357
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:17,360
It's such a big opportunity, I don't
know what to do.
358
00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:20,680
What shall I do?
359
00:20:21,660 --> 00:20:25,320
Michael, if there's one thing I've
learned, you've got to put your career
360
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,620
You'll never forgive yourself if you
don't take this opportunity.
361
00:20:28,900 --> 00:20:29,900
Sina will understand.
362
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:34,360
Oh, sorry, I've got to take this.
363
00:20:35,780 --> 00:20:37,160
Since when did you have a mobile phone?
364
00:20:37,460 --> 00:20:38,760
Hi, Annabelle.
365
00:20:40,220 --> 00:20:42,720
I'll talk to you later, Michael. I hope
that helped.
366
00:20:43,020 --> 00:20:44,080
Joke, let's roll.
367
00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:53,500
It's not him, Michael.
368
00:20:54,700 --> 00:20:56,860
Sorry? That's not Arthur.
369
00:20:57,260 --> 00:20:58,780
I don't know who it is.
370
00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:00,880
He's changed.
371
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:02,920
John, too.
372
00:21:03,380 --> 00:21:04,800
Can you have a word with him?
373
00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:07,980
Yes, of course I can.
374
00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:09,280
I just...
375
00:21:11,180 --> 00:21:12,620
I just need to do something first.
376
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:19,600
Of course.
377
00:21:19,700 --> 00:21:21,720
I totally agree with Arthur.
378
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:23,460
You can't turn this down.
379
00:21:23,980 --> 00:21:26,640
Well, it is a life -changing
opportunity, I suppose.
380
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:31,000
Exactly. I would not want to be the
reason you say no to something like
381
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:35,280
And we can pick up where we left off,
couldn't we? Of course we will.
382
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:39,760
Michael, I'm so happy for you. This is
brilliant.
383
00:21:41,740 --> 00:21:44,640
Oh. Oh, OK. I feel a bit better about it
now, I suppose.
384
00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:46,280
You ready, Michael?
385
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:48,380
Um, yes, yes, Iggy, of course.
386
00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:52,520
We're going to go and see Arthur. Iggy
thinks we need to stage an intervention.
387
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:54,960
I'll see you later.
388
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:56,160
Of course.
389
00:22:04,020 --> 00:22:07,640
I'm just going to go and do the bench.
390
00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:09,100
No, I'm just going to go.
391
00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:17,820
Now, I'm sure you'll understand I have a
certain position to maintain within
392
00:22:17,820 --> 00:22:18,940
show business circles.
393
00:22:20,220 --> 00:22:23,880
Then how can I do that with a loose
toilet seat situation?
394
00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:28,100
Suppose someone from the West End
dropped in to say hello.
395
00:22:28,780 --> 00:22:30,360
Michael Ball, for example.
396
00:22:30,900 --> 00:22:33,840
I wouldn't know where to look if he fell
into the toilet.
397
00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:36,460
I'll get maintenance onto it for you.
398
00:22:36,660 --> 00:22:37,960
That would be darling of you.
399
00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:39,480
And this.
400
00:22:42,250 --> 00:22:43,830
What is wrong with this picture?
401
00:22:45,310 --> 00:22:46,310
I give up.
402
00:22:46,590 --> 00:22:49,510
I particularly told you I like speckled
bananas.
403
00:22:50,450 --> 00:22:51,990
Are they speckled bananas?
404
00:22:52,390 --> 00:22:54,690
And these? These plums have gone off.
405
00:22:54,970 --> 00:22:58,390
They just go like that, though, don't
they? Then I'm asking you to be vigilant
406
00:22:58,390 --> 00:23:00,510
and remove them before they reach that
stage.
407
00:23:00,830 --> 00:23:03,350
To return once again to the Michael Ball
scenario.
408
00:23:03,890 --> 00:23:08,570
Can you imagine the embarrassment if the
first thing he saw when he came in here
409
00:23:08,570 --> 00:23:10,270
was my shriveled, withered plums?
410
00:23:12,490 --> 00:23:14,070
word would spread like wildfire.
411
00:23:14,650 --> 00:23:16,470
Why, I'll just take them out then, shall
I?
412
00:23:20,810 --> 00:23:23,430
Whatever happened to professionalism?
413
00:23:27,550 --> 00:23:31,070
Nonsense! I'm a highly valued member of
the psychotic community.
414
00:23:31,830 --> 00:23:33,570
Annabelle was just saying that to me
today.
415
00:23:33,830 --> 00:23:36,510
She likes you because you keep people on
the phone, Arthur.
416
00:23:36,730 --> 00:23:38,930
I give good advice. I help people.
417
00:23:39,130 --> 00:23:40,150
For £1 .90 a minute?
418
00:23:40,430 --> 00:23:42,790
This is just a stepping stone for me,
this is.
419
00:23:43,110 --> 00:23:44,610
I'm on my way back to the top.
420
00:23:45,170 --> 00:23:49,010
If you want something in this life, you
have to go out and grab it. And that's
421
00:23:49,010 --> 00:23:50,010
just what I'm doing.
422
00:23:50,530 --> 00:23:52,550
What's the matter? Don't you want me to
be successful?
423
00:23:53,180 --> 00:23:56,200
Of course I want you to be successful,
Arthur, but not like this. This is just
424
00:23:56,200 --> 00:24:00,620
scam. If you just calmed down and
thought about it for a few seconds,
425
00:24:00,620 --> 00:24:01,379
that too.
426
00:24:01,380 --> 00:24:05,460
Oh, and you're all right, aren't you,
eh? Running off to America, getting a
427
00:24:05,460 --> 00:24:06,520
off the back of my story.
428
00:24:06,820 --> 00:24:10,420
It should be me going there. I know more
about that world than you do.
429
00:24:10,820 --> 00:24:13,600
You've just used me. Arthur, that's not
fair.
430
00:24:13,940 --> 00:24:15,160
Too right it's not fair.
431
00:24:15,700 --> 00:24:20,020
It's not fair that I have to sit in the
cafe while the world passes me by.
432
00:24:20,670 --> 00:24:24,610
It's not fair that your dad left me just
when things were getting going.
433
00:24:25,150 --> 00:24:30,950
It's not fair that my story, my story,
is the reason you're going to America.
434
00:24:31,610 --> 00:24:35,330
It's not fair. It's not fair. None of
it's fair.
435
00:24:37,630 --> 00:24:41,370
Now, if you don't mind, I've got a show
to do.
436
00:24:43,690 --> 00:24:44,690
Goodbye, Arthur.
437
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:51,280
Arthur.
438
00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:27,480
All right, that's enough. Get off.
439
00:25:29,420 --> 00:25:30,800
Nice and quiet, please.
440
00:25:31,060 --> 00:25:37,020
In ten, nine, eight, seven,
441
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:43,600
six, five, four, three,
442
00:25:43,740 --> 00:25:46,840
two, one.
443
00:25:50,420 --> 00:25:52,160
I've made a terrible mistake.
444
00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:55,400
Eggie, John.
445
00:25:55,950 --> 00:25:56,950
Please don't leave.
446
00:25:57,230 --> 00:25:58,410
Don't let Michael leave.
447
00:25:58,690 --> 00:26:00,010
I've got something to say.
448
00:26:05,730 --> 00:26:10,190
John, Eggie, I couldn't hope for better
friends than you.
449
00:26:10,930 --> 00:26:15,010
You can have all the bananas and water
in the world, but it doesn't mean
450
00:26:15,010 --> 00:26:17,350
anything if you haven't got anyone to
share them with.
451
00:26:18,770 --> 00:26:24,370
And Michael, that advice I gave you, I
couldn't have been more wrong.
452
00:26:25,130 --> 00:26:27,610
Seeing them is more important than
anything.
453
00:26:28,130 --> 00:26:32,150
Oh, for goodness sake, don't listen to
me. I talk nonsense at the best of
454
00:26:33,230 --> 00:26:35,650
And the same goes for the rest of you
out there.
455
00:26:36,130 --> 00:26:40,630
Don't go phoning premium numbers,
getting advice from charlatans.
456
00:26:41,450 --> 00:26:42,450
What did he say?
457
00:26:43,870 --> 00:26:44,890
What did he say?
458
00:26:45,910 --> 00:26:48,610
What the bloody hell's going on? Well,
somebody's in there.
459
00:26:49,610 --> 00:26:50,569
Who's he?
460
00:26:50,570 --> 00:26:52,530
No one can see into the future.
461
00:26:53,580 --> 00:26:55,100
It's all a show, a bit of fun.
462
00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:58,320
But it isn't even that if you have to
pay for it.
463
00:27:00,460 --> 00:27:06,980
So what I want you to do today is put
your telephones down, settle back, and
464
00:27:06,980 --> 00:27:09,320
enjoy something a little bit different.
465
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:17,680
A one, two, a one, two, three. It's a
long way to get around.
466
00:27:32,590 --> 00:27:33,770
Are you sure you're making the right
decision?
467
00:27:34,950 --> 00:27:35,950
I am, Arthur.
468
00:27:36,790 --> 00:27:41,610
I wasn't, but... this is absolutely the
right thing to do.
469
00:27:45,210 --> 00:27:46,210
Goodbye, Michael.
470
00:28:26,410 --> 00:28:30,670
Well, he's back tomorrow night trying
motivational speaking with a snappy
471
00:28:30,670 --> 00:28:32,190
and dunce's cap.
472
00:28:32,450 --> 00:28:36,710
It's Count Arthur Strong's radio show at
10 .30 on Radio 4 Extra.
473
00:28:37,370 --> 00:28:42,330
Next tonight here on BBC One, satirical
hats on for Have I Got Old News For You.
35658
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