All language subtitles for This.Time.with.Alan.Partridge.S02E01.PROPER.1080p.HDTV.H264-ASTRD

Left ear. Clear.

Right ear. Clear.

Left nose. Clear.

Right nose.

The wiry one's still there.

Like bracken...

I can smell burning.
That's normal. Thanks, Lynn.

And we go in five, four...

Good job you had yours on you.
I left mine in a restaurant.

The calm before the storm.

The hush before the hoe-ha.

The me time before the This Time.

Hello, I'm Alan Partridge,

and you join me in Dressing Room A
at Broadcasting House,

where every weekday evening
I don my trousers and tie

before fashioning my hair

into the silhouette of
a small scooter helmet.

In Dressing Room One,
my co-presenter is having

her make-up applied by two women
in a very specific way.

With her nearly ready, there's
just time for me to scroll through

a few expressions...

KNOCK AT DOOR
And then...

It's time, Mr Partridge.

Music, and let's roll!
MUSIC BEGINS

The distance to the studio
is exactly 8O metres.

Most presenters cover it
in 60 seconds.

We do it in 40. Thanks, Rachel.

Emerging from the door
to my right is...

"Jennie Gresham. Hello.

And welcome to the show that covers
the full spectrum of human life.

From aqua-aerobics to abortion,

from zebras to Zionism.

The show that promises
to be all things...

...to all men. And all women!

And everything in between.

So join us for chit-chats
about Kit Kats...

...chinwags about bin bags...

...and natters about matters.

Hi, Nathan, Jermain,
Shauna and Trent.

It's that time. What time?

High time to say, if you've got time
to give This Time your time,

then it's time to let This Time
spend time

making your time a good time

on This Time.

Welcome to This Time. Yeah.

APPLAUSE

THEY LAUGH
Here comes the camera!

Yes, welcome to This Time

with Alan Partridge...
..and Jennie Gresham.

Whoo! Well, that certainly got
the blood flowing, didn't it?

Yeah, I thought you did that
really well, Jennie.

And you got your breathing right.

But, yes, slightly different
opening tonight,

prompted, I should say,
by a letter from Euan Anderson

of Disley Road Primary School
in Oldham.

He wrote simply to ask,

"Please can we see the inside of
your dressing room?"

And we were happy to oblige.
Or Alan was.

Yes. Yeah, Jennie's dressing room
is off limits.

Yeah, the only way to see inside
a lady's dressing room at the BBC

would be to get a time machine, and
set the coordinates for the 1970s.

Which we know was good and bad.

Besides, there's not really much
to see in my dressing room anyway.

No, it's beautiful!
Loads of smelly candles,

lots of photographs of you with
all the famous people you've met.

And she's got a little sign above
the mirror, which says simply,

"Never Ever Compromise."

Lovely. Yes, happy to know that
we have younger viewers tuning in.

Euan, thanks very much
for getting in touch.

Obviously a keen interest in telly.

Who knows? Maybe one day
he'll be running the BBC!

THEY LAUGH
Yeah.

Oh, no, no, no, he...
He attends state school.

Coming up tonight,
Alan will be putting a cork in it —

I wish — as he visits
a silent order of monks.

Resident humourist Simon Denton
will be taking a sideways look

at good old—fashioned common sense.

I'm sure you've got a zinger
about that, Simon.

Oh, yes. What is it?

I'm sure I can rustle something up.
Have you got one now?

Not now, no. Not immediately.

Always have something ready.

And Alan will be dropping
a bombshell as he reunites

twin brothers who haven't seen
one another for over 60 years.

Yes, it's a piece of television
I'm very proud of.

When I thought of the idea, I cried.

But we start tonight with haggis.

I went to meet the woman behind

Britain's most
controversial delicacy.

It's just a fat, sheep
and porridge sausage.

And we're off. Two minutes, guys.

Lynn, look at you go.

That new hip's been
the making of you.

Like Robocop or Oscar Pistorius.

What did you go for in the end?

PVC composite.

Ah, Lynn! I said get titanium!

They last for years and years.

What am I talking about?
PVC is going to be fine.

Alan. Two things.

Number one, your tie knot needs
a tug. Got it. Number two...

I love how you've got into
bullet points, Lynn.

I knew you'd like them
if you'd tried them.

Number two, the new producer's in.
Right.

They didn't go with
Peter in the end.

It's a younger chap from E4.
Oh, God.

It's fine.
You're worrying about nothing.

Change is afoot, Lynn.

Listen to this.

This was the theme tune.

TUNE PLAYS

Now listen to this.
They've remixed it.

The electric guitar's got
a wacka-wacka sound

like the start of Newsnight.

GUITAR PLAYS
Well, what's that got to do with?

Because this is how it starts.

First they came for the theme tune,
but I did not speak out,

because I am not a theme tune.

Then they came for
the title graphic,

but I did not speak out
because I am not a title graphic.

Then they came for me
and I was cross,

because I've taken my eye
off the ball!

First positions!
And we're back on in five, four...

Haggis maker Jill Tickford there,
whose culinary pride and joy

has become something of
a legal football.

Well, best thing for it,
to be honest.

You'd sooner kick one than eat one,
definitely.

Now, body language,

from the twizzling of hair to the
batting of eyelids. Sound familiar?

There's much our body can tell us.

To explain more, body language
expert Clarissa Hoskin.

Great to have you on the show.
Hello.

Now, body language —

some call it a sixth sense,
others, a hunch about people,

but I actually think it's almost
a science, in a funny kind of way.

It is a science. Right...
In a very real sort of way. OK.

A lot of people know
the pop psychology version

of body language —
folding your arms is defensive,

avoiding eye contact means
you have something to hide —

but the science itself is
a little more forensic than that.

So if a divorcee bites her lip
when I say should we skip dessert,

is she anxious or intrigued?

Questions like that,
I just don't deal with.

I help people who are high-profile
communicators in their field

become more effective.
OK. Probably intrigued?

The problem is when you hear
the same old BS from people

who think they know a little bit
about it. I know, yeah.

I actually do know
a little bit about it, so...

Actually, I think we have something
that you worked on a few years ago.

Er, yeah. It's just from my clays
as a producer—writer—director—

Presenter of straight-to-video
instructional videos,

but see what you think.

High five, job-seeker.

You've got yourself an interview.

IN CHORUS: Neat!

But how can you make
a good impression using

body language?

An anxious candidate flaps her arms
around like an unattended hose.

But if she can't control her arms,

how can she control
a sales team of five,

and they're all men?

I know! Gesture one-handed,
placing the spare one on her hip.

If in doubt, handle and spout.

Rad!

What's this? No eye contact?

Studies show failure to look at
your potential employer

can project qualities including
shyness, dishonesty,

gypsy and boredom,

so always maintain eye contact!

Body language!

SCATTERED APPLAUSE
Yeah, cheers.

Yeah, it's...

Should you always maintain
eye contact? I'd say not.

Right. Even though it helps
develop rapport?

Well, you tell me.

I'm looking at you now
without breaking eye contact.

Does it make you feel like
we have a rapport?

No? Right.

A lot of body language is
context-dependent.

Crossing and uncrossing your legs,
for example. Mm-hm.

Uncrossing your legs
isn't always an invitation.

Like Sharon Stone with, erm...
Basic Instinct. Fanny.

But equally when we cross our legs,
we're not always being defensive.

Ah, no. Sometimes you
cross your legs

just because you want
to feel more comfortable.

Yeah, or you've promised to show
a brand of socks on TV.

But let's talk about entrances

because when you walked
over to the sofa,

I immediately sensed you were
confident. Why don't we try it?

Why don't you walk over to me
like you're entering my office?

Mm.. BK'.
SHE LAUGHS

I'm a bit nervous now.

Jennie Gresham.

You know what, Jennie Gresham?
Not bad at all.

Ooh, I think you've found
a new friend. I take that back.

It was a little fast, like you
wanted to get it over with. OK.

But... So just slow down. OK.

I'd echo most of that.

Keep it nice and easy.

Trot, don't canter.

Now, if you're entering
a conference hall,

something I've done
on many occasions,

and, Sharon, do feel free
to jump in at any stage,

I imagine when you walk in,
it'd be something like this.

Head high, long strides,
you've got arms — use them!

Segue into a scurry,
then it's a hop, skip, jump

and bound onto the podium.

Power stance. Hold it...

...h0ld it...

...hold it, step to the lectern
and begin.

Yes, I mean, shoulders were back,
head was up,

which suggested confidence.

A little more control in the arms
might be useful.

Yeah, I don't agree with that.

Um, let's mix it up.

You're entering a party.

Obviously a lot less formal, but
you still want to ooze confidence.

So it's hook jacket,

tuck thumb and amble.

Roll the shoulders,

mosey, stop, scout the room.

There's John. John can wait!

Flick of the hair,
grab a drink, you're in.

Free chair? You don't need it.

Lean.

I mean, you've obviously given it
a lot of thought.

Thank you.

And that's all we have time for.

Clarissa Hoskin,
thank you very much.

Still to come, Alan reunites
two long—lost brothers.

Yes, you will see the twins
brought together

as we trick one of them onto
the studio floor there

under the false pretence of
winning a mid-range caravan.

Little does he know that
the real prize will be to embrace

his long—lost brother,
which I'm quite sure will outweigh

the fact that there is no caravan,
because he does like caravans.

But first, in the modern world,
where can we go to find some quiet?

Alan Partridge put on his hush
puppies and went to find out.

Shh!

Www...

What is silence?

Beethoven understood the difference
between noise and silence.

Duh-duh-duh duh! Silence.

Duh-duh-duh DUH! Silence.

Duh-duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh-duh —
there's less silence after that.

For Beethoven, of course,
everything was silent.

Poor chap was deaf as a door post.

But I think silence is becoming
so scarce

that one day you'll be able to swap
one hour of silence for a bike.

Allow me, then, to be brief
and gift you the sound of silence.

CAR CHIMING

Morning. Morning.

Morning.

Don't worry,
these men aren't ignoring me —

they're monks.

They keep a lid on it
because they think God likes it.

Who am I to tell them any different?

No, I'm here to see

if keeping schtum will increase
my sense of inner peace.

We all know people, such as bin men,

who we wish would take
a vow of silence.

Well, I'm about to spend the weekend
with people who actually have.

Aren't I?

See?

Father Paul, just in case anyone
thinks I'm trying to lure you into

breaking some sort of vow of silence
by asking you a question,

you can speak, can't you, Father?

Well, I wouldn't be much
of a spokesman if I never spoke.

Catty! I like that.

I like that.

Why is it that monks love silence
so much?

We all need silence.

And it's harder to find
in the modern world.

Yes, what one thinks is silence
is often not, because you listen

a little harder, you can
hear the beep of a truck reversing,

or in the still of the night

what one thinks is a neighbour's
baby crying,

but in actual fact it's two foxes
making love with one another.

I suppose the only place one can
find true silence

would be outer space.

Hence the phrase "In space,
no-one can hear you scream."

From Alien. Yes.
I remember when I first saw that,

I thought, "Finally a movie that
acknowledges the fact that sound

"cannot travel through a vacuum."

I bet you guys would love a vacuum.

It'd save the brothers having
to sweep the floor.

There's that cattiness again!

I mean, you're clearly a character,
you definitely are.

From a Christian perspective,

silence is a way of forming
a deeper bond with God.

Although some young
Christians use noise.

Much the same way that
Sirens of Greek mythology would lure

unsuspecting sailors onto the rocks,

the young Christians will sing hymns
whilst banging a tambourine,

and in the confusion,
you end up believing in God.

Well, every individual has their own
way of communing with God,

but that's not to say that silence
is purely religious.

I mean, it can work wonders
for your mental wellbeing.

Why don't we try it right now?

One minute. OK.

The footage you're watching
has been sped up.

Current BBC programming guidelines
prohibit on-air silences

over 30 seconds in duration,

except for state funerals,
like Diana's, or Springwatch.

While greater flexibility
is permitted for BBCs Two and Four,

BBC One viewers are thought
to benefit

from content with frequent noises.

ALARM RINGS
Ah. There's your minute.

Life as a monk begins at sunrise.

As we quietly dwelt
on our relationship with the Lord,

it occurred to me that God,
all knowing, invisible,

and all around us is identical
to high speed Wi-Fi...

PHONE CHIMES

...which I know for a fact that they
have at the monastery.

I wondered what these men might have
been before they found God.

Can you read a man's story
in his face?

I believe you can.

If I had to guess, I'd say this monk
was quite high up in ICI.

This monk also worked for ICI,

but in a more junior role.

I don't have any ideas
about this monk.

And this monk briefly joined
the band D: Ream,

after Brian Cox left
to become a scientist.

I decided to stroll the grounds

and soon found myself walking
like a monk, hands behind my back,

nodding at passers by,
a smile as my resting face.

But smiling constantly starts
to make your face ache.

I wondered if it felt the same
for Holly Willoughby.

Although the Bible doesn't
mention potted plants,

monks absolutely love them.

But when I lent a hand,

I began to see a very different
side to these brothers.

Uh...

You see, silence can be a kindness.

It can show courtesy to a fellow
clay pigeon shooter.

But anyone who's driven home
with their wife after a row

at a party, will know that silence
can be used as a weapon.

Could the monks have been
doing the same?

It amused me to imagine
I was in an institute

full of angry wives
in big brown dresses.

But the more
they pretended not to see me,

the more I wondered
if it was intentional.

And when a spritely monk
snatched my pot,

I became convinced
they were trying to break me.

Perhaps they were tapping Morse code
messages to each other

on plant pots like, "Why isn't this
new man wearing brown?

"Let's pick on him till
he either cries...

KNOCKING

"..or cuts his hand."

BANGING

GLASS SHATTERS

GRUNTING

They had won.

Can't you see that I need help?

What are we all doing here?

You get plants at Homebase!

Some might say in breaking my vow
of silence

I'd lost a competition with God,

but it felt good.

So I decided to break another rule
that had really annoyed me —

no running and jumping.

# Qui tollis peccata mundi

# Dona eis requiem... #

Would God disapprove of this too?

After all, 2,000 years ago,
there was another man who got done

for breaking the rules.

Well, I was supposed to spend
another night here,

but after injuring my hand

whilst eight monks chose to
stand by and do nothing,

or didn't hear — I suspect it was
the former —

the folly of what I'm doing here
finally dawned on me.

Human beings are meant to talk.

Silence is golden?

Bronze at best.

Whoever you are, men and women,
give it a bit of that, good for you.

Right, Burger King.

# It's my life... #
THUMPING MUSIC

Now, we've all seen it —

a teenager near a window asking Siri
what the weather's like.

A taxi driver using his phone
to calculate your change

after you've given him
£20 for an £18 fare.

Clearly the change is £2.

But is our addiction to technology
actually making us less intelligent?

To gauge the public mood,
we cross to Simon Denton —

with a slightly expanded role —

sifting through your texts, tweets
and now live calls.

Howdy. Howdy!

So, yeah, bigger role,
more responsibility.

Yes, indeed.
Finally got that promotion, Ma!

Same money though I think?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So we've been asking, have we lost
good old—fashioned

British common sense?

Eustice says, "Pick up bits of
broken glass

"by pressing a slice of damp
bread against the floor."

Very good tip.
I've done that myself. Yes.

Just remember to bin the bread
afterwards.

Which I didn't do.
Yes, my lips were lacerated.

Oh, dear. My then girlfriend
wouldn't kiss me for a week.

That must have been difficult.

Well, you can do other stuff.

Someone else who says, "| avoid pet
odours in my home by..."

Yeah, that's more of
a housekeeping tip.

We're really asking a slightly
deeper question

about the way we live now.

Have we lost something? Totally.

So Anita says, "If you've lost the
end roll of a Sellotape..."

But you're saying... You mean lost
something in society, as a society.

So the ones you've selected,
are they all just housekeeping tips?

Yes, the tweets are. Right.

We could take a phone call?
Let's do it.

Calls are under...

...social...

...and then...

No, not social. Er...

Stay calm. Hang on,
I've got it here.

Live and then phone.

Right, there are three phones.

I just put "phone".

No.

Yes. OK. So now, I think
we have Steven Tent on line four.

Steven?

Steven, are you there? Steve?

Steven Tent on line four?

Go to... Steve? Go to emails?

Let's do it. Let's do it.
Let's fall in love.

Bear with me.
Wish there was a bear with you,

he'd probably make a better job
of it than you.

Seriously, mate.

Now there is a way of getting
from here to emails.

You make it sound like Fort Knox.

Fort! Steven Fort.

It's not Steven Tent on line four.

BOTH: It's Steven Fort on line ten.

Right! Right, well,
let's go find him.

Come on, then,
what's all the fuss about now?

Let's go. Come on, let's travel!
Steven Fort on line ten.

CLICK, DIAL TONE

Just missed him I think.

Here's what we've got coming up
for the rest of the show.

Off air. 30 seconds, guys.

Lynn, what's he doing?

The new producer?
He seems pleased. Good.

He gave Jennie a thumbs up. Jennie?

Lynn, there are two Comic Relief
glitter cannons in the loading bay

set aside because of concerns
over plastic pollution.

I need them set off.

Quickly! Use those hips
while they last.

First positions.

And we're back on in five, four...

Now, some questions seem
to have been with us forever.

Is there a God? To be or not to be?

Should I ever buy a Japanese car?

Should I ever buy a Korean car?

Should I ever buy a Chinese car?

No!

In my opinion.

But should Heathrow get a third
runway feels as old as the hills.

Joining us now
from the British Airports Authority

is our very own Ruth Duggan.

Hello, Ruth. Hello, Jennie.
Hi, Ruth.

Ruth, we've been here
before, haven't we?

Actually, no.
It's my first time here.

I meant... But it's certainly
a debate we've heard many times.

That's absolutely right, Jennie.

The ongoing question
of runway expansion.

I'm not sure there's any talk
of expanding a runway.

Isn't it about adding a runway?
Exactly right, Jennie.

The benefits of a third runway
are well known,

but a new study suggests the harm
caused by air traffic

is worse than first thought.

But if the flight path goes through
a residential area

or even a school...

They tend to pass over schools
rather than through them.

But you take my point.

I take your point.
You take my point.

I take your point.

I've forgotten my point now.

Now, this study...
Which was your intention.

...it found that children in schools
affected by aviation noise

developed poorer reading
and memory skills.

Absolutely right, Jennie.

Just a five-decibel increase
in aircraft noise

is associated with a two-month delay
in reading age.

While some say that runway
expansion...

A third runway.

...will boost the British economy...
The UK economy.

...by as much as 30 billion.

Billion pounds.

Was that not clear?

Well, you didn't specify
the currency.

It could've been 30 billion euros.

Or 30 billion dollars.
Exactly, Jennie.

Or 30 billion guineas,
or 30 billion francs,

or 30 billion Deutschmarks.

Oh, yeah, but they're euros now.
That's right, Jennie.

And that's what the aviation lobby
wants to focus on,

and not the health concerns
which could affect thousands.

Thousands of what, Ruth?
But with so much at stake...

Chairs? Beans? Cats?
..and the two sides so entrenched...

Grapes? Crabs? ..expect the debate
to continue for some time.

People. Ah, gotcha, sorry,
just wasn't clear, that's all.

Ruth Duggan there.

And who knows what the future
holds for Heathrow?

That's the 64,000 question, brackets
dollars, eh, Ruth? She's gone.

Now, imagine a holiday where instead
of just putting photos of your meals

on Facebook, or daydreaming of the
better holiday you'd be having

if you didn't have kids,

you'd actually appreciate the place
you're in.

Well, BBC One travel show
A Sense Of Place has captured

the nation's imagination.

Up and down the country,

all the talk is about
its presenter Sam Chatwin.

Some of it very positive.

Here he is in Tanzania, having a run
in with a slightly curious hippo.

It's hilarious, isn't it?
I haven't seen it.

90 seconds, guys.

Hello, you horrible lot! Ha-ha!

Now, I couldn't come here without
bringing you some goodies, could I?

Got some books from the TV series,
there you go.

Who's a good catch? Ha-ha-ha.

That's great!

Oh, stick around, guys, I've got
a few things from the green room —

two plain white towels,
a bottle of still water,

a couple bottles of fizzy water.

In fact, who wants this?
Over here, Alan!

Hello, monkey.

Hello, you. Hi, Sam.

Nice to see you. At work.

We should do this again.

Actually, I've not seen you two guys
since I found out you were dating.

It was that paparazzi shot of you
hugging over the tennis net

with the headline "40 Love."

I don't know where
they got the 40 from.

Probably my age.
Well, it's close enough.

I supposed there is no 49 love.

But you make a cracking couple!

Aw, thank you.
That's so kind of you to say.

And I mean, the thing is,
I actually mean it.

I mean, you know, like, contrasting
hair colours, that works well.

Height differential —
large but manageable.

And you've got, Sam, that extra
bit of public school confidence

that makes up for any shortfall
Jennie might have.

So you've got the right amount
of confidence between you.

And we're back in five, four...

A Sense Of Place there,
and I'm pleased to say we're

joined by its creator and
friend of This Time, Sam Chatwin.

APPLAUSE
Thank you so much Jennie, Alan.

Sam Chatwin — producer, writer,
charitable fundraiser,

and perhaps Britain's
best loved TV presenter.

Ha-ha, best loved! I don't know
what gives you that idea.

Well, I just lifted it from
your website. Right.

But, I mean, who would dispute it?

All of a sudden you are everywhere,
you're like iPhones or...

Coffee shops. Or what else do you
see everywhere? Simon?

Childhood obesity?

What can I say? People have
responded to the show,

testament, I think, to the
strength of the premise.

And it's such a simple idea!

You ask a celebrity to name
their favourite place

and the two of you head there
and truly explore.

So you've had the Giant's Causeway
with jenson Button...

I'd love to see that.

...Balmoral with Morgan Freeman...
I'd love to see that.

...and North Wales
with Amanda Holden.

And, of course,
Jennie Gresham in Reykjavik.

Which, from the clips I saw,
looked wonderfully cosy.

We became very close on that trip.

And, you know, I think there's a lot
to be said for cosiness, Alan.

For all the far flung places we go
to, there's comfort in the familiar.

I mean, even coming here,

I know I only guest presented
a few times,

but the warmth of the welcome...
APPLAUSE

...it always feels like
I'm coming home. Aw!

I live here now.

So, why do you think the show
has gained such an audience?

I think, somehow we bottle the
Boys' Own adventure of those trips

we enjoyed as children
and put it on the screen.

You know, I fondly remember
long summer holidays.

We'd just pack up
and head off to Kenya.

Father would hand us a camera
and a notebook each,

and we'd march off after breakfast
and just explore the place.

Yeah. I remember packing up
and heading off to Anglesey,

and Father would hand me
a jigsaw after breakfast

and just say, "Do that."

And, you know, it wasn't
until the next time we came

together as a family, perhaps home
from school after Michaelmas...

Michaelmas? Michaelmas term.

Michaelmas? ..that we'd share our
photographs and jottings

and this show is an attempt
to capture that magic.

And now your show is now so popular

that it's given rise
to a spin-off book.

It has, although I tend not
to think of it as a spin off.

I wanted it to be a book very much
in its own right, and I think it is.

Yeah. I mean, absolutely.

Because on the one hand, there's
A Sense Of Place, the TV show

with Sam Chatwin, and then right
over here, you've got this book,

A Sense Of Place, by Sam Chatwin:

Tales From The Hit BBC One Show
A Sense Of Place With Sam Chatwin.

I mean, if it captures some
of the magic of the show,

that's all well and good. In fact,
there's a passage I'd like to read.

Sam, I would like nothing more.

It'd be like all my Michaelmasses
coming at once.

But, alas, time is against us.

We're about to witness a very
special moment of live TV.

But for now, Sam Chatwin,
huge apols,

but great to have you on the show.

Thank you.
And I hope you both enjoy the book.

Alan, you can keep that one. Cheers.

Jennie, this one's for you.

Now, TV often gets a bad rap — too
formulaic, too cynical, too lazy.

But every so often, along comes
a heart-rending moment

of real humanity...
It's blank. Oh! Really?

Sam! Sam, what are you...?

AUDIENCE GASP

Jennie Gresham,

I hope you'll forgive this rather
self-indulgent interruption

but you mean
a great, great deal to me.

And, recently, our relationship
has developed into something

rather more, something special.

I suppose, in my rather
English way, I'm...

He's asking you to marry him. Yes!

Oh, what a wonderful way
to end that section...

KISSING

...of the show.

OK. They're saying can we see the
ring? So just this camera here.

Oh, yes! There. That camera there.
There you go.

As you can see,
a bit of a mad house here!

But it's live TV.

Move! Sam, Jennie,
colossal congratulations.

Now, sometimes along comes
a piece of television...

Mm, smell those! Mm, nice!

Along comes a piece of television

that makes you think, you know
what? We're not so...

BANG
Oh! Oh!

Amazing. That's not for them!
Thank you!

It's not for you! It's not for you.

Aw! It's for the long—lost brothers.

Which I'm afraid we will have
to leave today.

No, no, no! Apologies.

Alas, the unplanned intervention
by this little so-and-so... No!

Guilty! ..has knocked our timings
for six.

Go and get one of the twins!

Rest assured, we will reunite them
backstage... Either of them!

...and give you the full story on how
it all went in tomorrow's show.

I can do this, I can do this.

I've got this, just get him out.

Where is he? Bring him out. There.

Clap him now! It's fine, I'll speak
fast. Now, George Reynard.

Tom Reynard. Tom Reynard.
Why did I say George?

I used to have a brother
called George. Right.

Yes, sorry. Tom comes out first.

Pardon? I've ruined it.

Ruined what? Tom Reynard.
You and twin brother.

Twin die in hospital.
Except that not true.

Twin not die.

Twin given up for adoption
cos Mum not cope.

Say "Aw." Too slow.
AUDIENCE: Aw.

Twin grow up in Sydney.

He leave school, become plumber,
good job, cash in hand, pay no tax.

Sorry, I sounded
a bit Chinese there.

Five years back, mum die.

Boo-hoo. He find papers.

"Hang on, she not real mum."

Try track down you, can't find,
but we help find.

Brother here now.

Where's Tom? I'm Tom.

George, then! Did you hear all that?
This bloke's your twin.

Going to cry? No?

All right.

Good bye.

LIGHT APPLAUSE

Terrible television.

What about the caravan?
There isn't one.