All language subtitles for The Cosby Show s01e01 Pilot Presentation

It's getting late. You should stop
dancing around with that food and start

eating it. Mommy, stop it. We have the
radio on. I said you could listen to it.

You know, Mom, I think we should be
allowed some moments of happiness.

Okay, you want to keep dancing around,
spilling food all over the place, acting

like a bunch of fools? That's fine with
me.

Oh, and she says, fine with me. We know
it's not fine with her.

Mom, I wonder why I scrambled.

Coming right up.

about this morning. I didn't get much
sleep last night.

Mom, you know what you need. What we
actually are for you. The nice, soothing

dog. A dog for all of us. A real family
dog.

We already have a family dog.

You.

There you go. Your sister doesn't call
you names.

All I wanted was an animal whose name
starts with the same letter as most of

grades in your report card, which you
are getting today.

be a much better report card than last
semester's. Oh, I'm assuming the same

thing.

But you know, teacher's grades, you want
some weird things.

Like exams and papers.

Right.

Hey. Hey, Dad.

Hi, Daddy. Hi, Daddy.

Listen, let's put on some music around
here.

Dr. Seidelman, line one, please. Dr.

Seidelman? Mr. McManus?

Where are you going?

I need some air.

How's that feel?

Mr. McManus, your wife is having a baby
in there.

I know, I know that.

All right. Well, then, you have to go in
there so that we can have it. But she

doesn't want me in there. Oh, yes, she
does want you in there, sir.

But she yelled at me.

Women are like that. You understand?

My wife. My wife, when she was there in
the delivery room and that pain hit,

my wife stood up and told everybody in
the

delivery room that my parents were never
married.

Okay? All right. So don't worry about
it. Don't worry about it.

Look at me. I've crumbled under the
pressure. I can't get anything right. I

like a bumbling fool.

Mr. McManus, you have the makings of a
perfect father.

Now, let's go.

But I forgot everything. I forgot how to
breathe.

That's simple. All you have to do is
go... I mean my own breathing.

Mr. McManus, you're wise.

is going to have the baby.

You understand?

So don't worry about it. There are women
who are nine months pregnant out

picking rice and the baby falls right
out and starts to pick beside the

I don't know anything about rice.

Mr. McMahon, what I'm trying to say is
your wife's going to deliver anyway.

Trust me. All I'm going to do is hold
the rope.

All you have to do is cheer.

Cheer? Cheer.

Push.

Push.

Cheer.

Cheer. Push them out. Shove them out.

that report card of yours.

Now, your father and I have given you
every advantage in this world, and what

you do? Well, it's like I told you.
Don't answer me when I'm asking you

questions. Keep your mouth shut.

You think I'm talking just to hear
myself talk?

Answer me.

Now?

Save those smart mouth answers for your
father, because I have washed my hands

of this entire matter. Do you
understand?

Right. No problem.

Snitch.

help me clear this table.

Theodore, you go upstairs and wait in
your room for your father and the rest

you get up from the table, go upstairs,
take off all your clothes, get into the

shower, turn on the water, stand under
the water, rinse yourself off,

dry yourself, get into bed and go to
sleep. Now go.

four children.

Because we did not want five.

Hello, my dear.

Right.

Mrs. McManus. Mrs.

McManus finally delivered after being in
labor for 30 hours. Brought her into

the room, thought we'd have big trouble,
but...

just like Johnny Bench had been.

Who's in trouble now?

Theodore. Oh, good, because I thought it
was me.

Take a look at this.

Four Ds.

You better handle it, because if I
handle it, he's going to smile and say,

problem, and I'll have to kill him.

So you want me to kill him for you.

Can I have something to eat before I
kill him?

Yes.

Yeah, I'll be crueler on an empty
stomach.

What's she going to say?

And it's under control.

So, no problem. No problem. Right.

How do you expect to get into college
with grades like this? No problem.

Huh? See, I'm not going to college.

Damn right.

I am going to get through high school
and then get a job like regular people.

Regular people?

Yeah, you know, who work in the gas
station, drive a bus, something like

So what you're saying is your mother and
I shouldn't care if you get D's because

you don't need good grades to be regular
people.

Right.

Okay. Oh.

Suppose you graduate from high school.
Let's say you just slide by.

All right. Now, you've got to find a
job.

Now, what kind of salary do you expect?

or a regular person?

$250 a week.

$250 a week? Yeah. Sit down.

I'm going to give you $300 a week. Yes,
indeed.

$300 a week, $1 ,200 a month.

All right? Great. I'll take it. Yes, you
will. And I will take $350 for

taxes. Whoa.

Because, see, the government comes for
the regular people first.

Now, how much does that leave you with?

$850. All right.

Now, you've got to have an apartment
because you are not going to live here.

So, an apartment in Manhattan will run
you at least... $400

a month.

I'll live in New Jersey.

All right.

You live in New Jersey, you've got to
have a car.

I'll ride a motorbike.

You need a helmet.

Figure $100 a month for clothes and
shoes.

Figure $200. I want to look good.

Okay, so what does that leave you with?

$200. So, no problem.

There is a problem. You haven't eaten
yet.

I can get by on bologna and cereal.

So, I got everything I need, plus $200
left for the month.

You plan to have a girlfriend?

For sure.

Regular people.

Vanessa!

Vanessa!

Vanessa!

Come here.

Come here.

Here. Here. Here.

See? See, there is there. This is here.
Come here.

Dad, Denise pushed us out of the
bathroom and stole the shampoos and

office. She wouldn't let me...

But I'll tell you what. You can walk
your sister down to my room. Get her

cleaned up. Go ahead.

Oh.

Hey.

Hey. Where are you going?

I got a date, Daddy.

Not in those pants. Blood cannot get up
to your brain.

And besides, this is a school night.

It's Friday, Daddy. Yeah, but did you go
to school today?

Yeah. Okay, so.

It's a school night.

I asked Mom. She said I could go. Go ask
her. Ask Mom?

I have to ask your mother? I don't have
to ask anybody. Now go on in and change

your pants.

Thank you.

Did you tell Denise she could go out on
a date tonight?

Yes, I did.

Well, have you seen the boy?

Yes, I have.

Well, how ugly is he?

looking at the earring in it.

Yeah, it's a real conversation piece
with some older people.

I got it on a ship. Merchant Marines,
when you cross the equator, they pierce

your ear.

It's like a tradition.

When you cross back, will they fill it
in?

That's good, sir.

So,

When do you ship out again?

Oh, I'm not in it anymore.

Oh, no, I had enough of that life. I'm
back in school.

You're in Denise's class?

No, two years behind.

And you don't mind that? Hey, after
you've been in a Turkish prison,

else is easy.

Denise!

There's nobody there, dear.

Denise!

Denise!

Denise!

New outfit for you, Daddy? Yeah.

Happy? Listen, I don't know if you know
it or not, but your date downstairs is

just wearing one earring.

Yeah, well, he gave me a perfectly good
explanation for it, but if you want my

opinion, it's because he lost the other
one.

Bye, Daddy.

Yeah. Denise?

Yeah? Your face.

Your face. Your face. I mean, it's only
one half of your face is made up now.

Are you going someplace else and do the
other side, or are you planning on

walking sideways all night?

Good night, Daddy.

Yeah. Good night.

But you know that he spent a year in a
Turkish prison.

I was supposed to do something, you
know.

Where? Dad.

Hey!

All right.

Dad, I thought about what you said.

And I see your point.

Thank you.

Thank you.

But I have a point, too.

Make your point.

You're a doctor and Mom's a lawyer.

And you're both successful and
everything, and that's great.

But maybe I was born to be a regular
person and have a regular life.

If you weren't a doctor, I wouldn't love
you less because you're my dad.

And so instead of acting disappointed
because I'm not like you,

maybe you can just accept who I am and
love me anyway because

I'm your son.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard
in my life.

No wonder you get D's in everything.

Now, you are afraid to try because
you're afraid that your brain is going

explode and it's going to ooze out of
your ears.

Now, I'm telling you, you are going to
try as hard as you can.

And you're going to do it because I said
so.

am your father. I brought you in this
world, and I'll take you out.

Now, son, come here.

Come here.

Now, listen to me.

I just want you to do the best you can.

That's all.

I'll try, Dad.

Yeah. I really will. All right. I love
you.

Yeah, Dad. Huh? I know. Yeah.

And maybe your mother loves you, too.

So? I want my dinner.

It's warming. Mm -hmm.

I want my dinner now.

In a minute. Tell me what happened
upstairs.

Yeah, you know what I'm like when I'm
hungry. I want to eat. So get a plate. I

don't want a plate. I'll eat out of the
pot.

Come on, Cliff.

We have to set a good example.

For who?

Are you going to tell me about Theo or
not?

Oh, yeah.

Has he been up to his room lately?

I made him put his clothes away this
afternoon.

Well, you know, they crawled back out.

did you say to him about his report
card?

Well, I laid it on the line to him, and
I told him that he'd have to do better

in school.

Yeah, what did he say?

Well, he said okay.

He said okay?

Well, not exactly.

Well, what exactly did he say?

He said, I'll try.

I'll try is worse than okay.

Well, no, I think he said, I think he
said okay.

I think that's what he said. He said
okay.

You know, if you want, I'll go off and
ask him. Cliff, did you tell him he's

headed for disaster and that if he
doesn't buckle down, he'll never get

anywhere? The boy does not care about
getting anywhere.

The boy said to me that he wanted to be
regular people, when in fact what he is

is lazy people.

And if the regular people find out that
he's using their name, they're going to

come down and kick his butt.

I was a beautiful woman once before the
children came.

I never met a more beautiful woman.

Do you think when they grow up I'll be
beautiful again?

You are beautiful now.

I just hope they get out of the house
before we die.

Oh.

Mm. Mm.

Mm -hmm.

Let's just remember this is how we got
the children.

Right.

Oh, shit.

Who is it?

No, no, no. When I say, who is it?

It doesn't mean for you to come in.

When I say, who is it? And you say, who
it is.

me would you tell her there is no
wolfman growling in your closet there

is no wolfman growling in your closet
anybody

got any other bright ideas maybe the two
of you should sleep with us tonight if

you really want us to