All language subtitles for Spermageddon.2024.480p.BluRay.AC3.5.1.x264-PiG30N

Valhalla.

Avalon.

Shangri-La.

Nirvana.

Paradise.

The golden place goes by many names,-

- but the way there is quite dangerous.

But the journey is just as
important as the goal for the warrior.

This is your destiny.

This is what you live for.

And if you make it all the way,
you're guaranteed a place in history.

You'll become a god.

But if you don't make it...

then you're screwed.

Because even if there's only
one way to paradise...

there are tons of ways to die.

And none of them are pleasant.

Imagine the worst kind of torture possible

and then multiply that by ten.

You could also be buried alive.

Or you could be locked up in some -

- sort of plastic cup.

And you always have the option
of being eaten to death.

And that's just the icing on
the placenta cake.

We've even heard that they
get pure entertainment out of-

- our pain and our deaths.

And if one of you manage
to make it to the egg cell, -

- that doesn't mean you're victorious.
No, no, no, far from it!

The hardest challenge yet is next. Then
you've got the wall of the egg cell itself.

You can't just go
crashing through it.

You'll only get through it if
you are worthy.

If it's written in the nuts of destiny
that you're the one getting inside -

- the one to become one with the light...

And that's exactly why you're
destined to fail, -

- young Simen Squirt!

You are the most incompetent sperm cell-

- I've ever had at the University of Fucking!

Instead of listening to my lecture on
ejaculating and how amazing vaginas are -

- you're sitting there reading about... what?
The body?!

What kind of filth are you reading
during my lecture!?

There are only two parts of the body that
matter: the sack and the vagina.

Why even care about the rest?
This is where life lives. Where life begins.
The rest is just dead meat.

But, professor, with all due respect,-

- but the rest of the body is attached
to the vagina and the scrotum.

The intestines, blood vessels,
the heart and the brain.

Perhaps especially the brain.
I'm just trying to-

- see the big picture here.
Oh, come on! The heart? Intestines?

Do you think they matter at all
for reproduction?

How would you go about fertilizing
a liver? Or an intestine? Huh?

You are sperm, Simen.
You have limitless potential.

So be the best sperm you can be.

Ok. Where was I?

Good luck, brain fucker!

Did you see the drawing, huh?

I don't see the point, Cumilla. I'm just
one of thousands of millions of sperm cells.

Why should I believe that I have
even the slightest chance?

Good job in the lecture today,
little cum puppy.

Didn't do a whole lot, but...

I was being ironic. It was terrible!

You're bringing down our average,
you stain-on-the-sheets!

Hey!

If you touch Simen again
I'll pull your tail off

- and ram it so far up your ass
that you'll die -

- from cumming in your own asshole!

Calm down, I was just kidding!

Jizzus! Maybe a little bit too much?

- Then believe in yourself a little.
- There's a difference between confidence
and megalomania.

You're talking about it like you have a
choice.

We can't go out of course.
We have to stay here in the sack.

- Stay here in the sack?
- Yeah!

Stay here in the sack.

Here in the sack, we're doing just fine

Here in the sack, we smile and are happy

There aren't any condoms here
No diaphragms either

Here, you can't get licked up by a girl
or a guy

With their tongue!

Here in the sack!

- But Simen, don't you want to try and be something?
- But why? Everything is great where we are.

Here in the sack of a guy named Jens

A young guy with zero cuntelligence.

He never goes downtown
Never takes drugs at parties

Nope, he sits in his room gaming and
eating junk food

He's the king

of the sack

- But Simen, don't you get it?
- Get what?

It's gone on way too long
here in the sack

Down here in the sack it's gotten
way too tight

Everything's clumping together
and it smells like old krill

No, I don't want to stay here
No matter how much you do

If I were forced to stay...

...here in the sack.

Push up and forward now.

Come on!

But think of all the dangers
that are lying there in wait

That's why you gotta join me
like a loyal cumrade.

But imagine if someone swallows us
like we were a thirst quencher

That's just something you can count on

When you live under

A cock!

Impressive choreography.

If they stick to singing and dancing,
we've got nothing to worry about.

If they decide to captain the whole ship,
then we're in trouble.

Steer the ship? Them?
That's not gonna happen.

The ballsack can't think long term
or critically. They just mess around.

We'll see.
We're past the puberty point.

Been that way for awhile now.

Huh, and you're telling me now?
We're past it? Have we gone past the point...

- I want to live here in the sack forever
- It's getting way too tight in the sack

- All my friends are here in the sack
- When is anything interesting gonna happen?

- Out there, there's no song and dance
- But one of these days you gotta take a chance

So believe in yourself
and go and find your swagger

Here

in

The Sack!

- This should be fun, huh Jens?
- Nice to get away from the old fossils.

- Fossils, come on.
- There's nothing that beats it.

Am I right, Jens?

Yep, dad.
It'll be great.

What are you all gonna do in the cabin?
Go hiking?

- Maybe.
- Go fishing? Play Monopoly?

- Paint?
- Play hide and seek?

- Pin the tail on the donkey?
- Play pitching pennies?

- Shoot empty bottles?
- Fix a fence?

- Summon evil spirits with a Ouija board?
- Flip through old magazines?

- Pretend like one of you is multi-handicapped?
- Yeah, that's always a blast!

Nope. Just like last year.
Watch some movies. Play some games.

Nah, stop it!
Games and movies? Good lord.

What a fucking nerd!

It wasn't like that when we were young
and horny, mama!

Do you remember that cabin trip? How
completely drunk I got?

- Dunno if we should share that with Jens.
- I got so damn wasted.

Petter, we're not telling Jens this.

I threw up over the whole cabin.
Puked on everything.

And I shat myself too, remember?

Literally. I shat my pants!

Petter, that's enough.

And then I went to go sit in the car.

That's when we ran over the neighbor's
dog, remember?

I didn't see it, cuz I was drunk!

Intestines and everything just spilled out.

That's when the cops showed up.

Yep, that's true.

I actually got two months in jail
for that.

But fuck was that not awesome!

But it's like not cool anymore.
The youth today are so "woke".

"Not me, I'm politically correct."

Petter!

Watch the road!

Here's your bag with your clothes
and sleeping bag.

Oh! And I almost forgot...

Your bag full of teenager snacks:
Chocolate candies, cheese doodles, and tons of soda!

Thanks, dad.

Mom!

- Petter?
- Yeah, I will, I will.

Well, Jens, by the way...

There's just one more thing.

It's something that I wanted to tell
you earlier...

You know how it is with the birds
and the bees?

- What?
- Flowers need to get pollen-

- from another flower in order to...

- to multiply...
- Is that so?

- Cool.
- You didn't know that?

Nah, I thought flowers just
popped up out of the ground.

That's total bullshit!
You didn't believe that?

Well, the boy flowers
get help from the bees-

- in order to put the pollen up in...
the lady flowers.

And they often do it just for fun.
They're not always trying to make a baby flower.

Why are you bringing this up now?

Regardless: the point is that the bees
don't always necessarily want the best for the flowers.

So the flower has to dominate the bee.
Because the flower is boss.

Hold on, is this a metaphor?
If you're talking about sex-

- I've watched hardcore porn on my
phone since I was 13.

Anyway, of course you know everything about
this stuff.

Rubber, rain coat,
wrapper, sausage casing.

Condom.

They say it's like eating candies with the wrapper
still on, but you know what?

I think it's better with the wrapper on.

- Ya want some?
- No thanks, dad.

Alright, Jens. Have fun and don't
do anything I would have done.

Seriously, don't do it.

- Hey guys.
- Wazzup?

- Hey, Jens.
- Where are the girls?

- They came yesterday.
- Well let's get moving then.

Can't let the girls be alone. There's a lot of moose
in the area. I think Lisa's got moosephobia.

Simen, can't we get away a little this weekend
and practice some swimming?

Could be good to hone our technique.

I've started Jizzmo's exercise program.

I'd love to, but I just got the new Cum of Duty.
It's supposed to be fucking awesome!

It's got open vulva zero-fuck exploration mode
and cross platform multi-sprayer and free to play
butthole-royale mode.

But you can't just play games, Simen.

What about practicing some skills
for the real world?

Cumilla?
Don't. Worry. About. It.

The odds for one of us to get to the egg
first is one in several billions.

And speaking of Jizzmo, we both know who's
walking away victorious.

- Why pretend to be something else?
- At least Jizzmo has the right attitude.

- He's nice, he's funny...
- He is definitely not nice!

Look at them.
Little meatheads.

Insects.
Creepy crawlies.

Millions of little worms stressing out
as if they meant anything in the world.

"You can be anything you want,
you just have to believe in yourself."

Yeah, right!
What's next?

Maybe we should vote on which sperm's gonna
win the race?

With an election?

No.
The victory-

- goes to whomever masters the game
in all of its dimensions.

Just using your tail's not going to cut it.
You have to use your head, too.

- Yeah, your head.
- Cumrades!

After Spermageddon, you all will take
over this empire.

After I, as your chosen one, have
fertilized the egg.

Let me therefore present the innovation
that will help me along the way:

Ejaculator 9000!

Ejaculator 9000 has everything
you need to win.

Egg cell-detector,
double protection shields against spermicide

- diaphragm-penetrating projectiles,
chainsaw gloves-

- and last but not least:

- double propellers!

But Mr. Jizzmo?

Not to be a sourjizz,
but isn't this... cheating?

It's not cheating if you
don't get caught.

Let me demonstrate.

Activate demonstration program.

Demonstration program activated.

Mr. Jizzwell?

Swim towards me.
Come on.

- Okay?
- Faster, faster.

Activating anti-competition weapons system.
227
10, 9, 8...

Ok, impressive but...

...6, 5...

Aren't you gonna turn that off?

No!

Noooo!

Anyone else have any other ideas-

- on which approach we should run with?

Excellent.

Hey there, Mr. Spunkson. All good?

Everything's great. Nothing suspicious
here at all.

Alright.
Nice!

Guys, we've all noticed it.

The frequency of the erections
and all that damn masturbation.

Our boy Jens is guaranteed, almost 100%
surely,-

- to have sex very soon.

Get laid. Roll in the hay. Do the mattress mambo.
Copulate. Bump uglies.

Do the deed. Go all the way. Stuff the taco.
Go to pound town. Clap some cheeks.

Munch the muffin.
Play hide the salami.

F-fucking?

Yes, Spunky.
Fucking.

And soon we'll be out of the sack,
together as one.

Everything is timed and ready.

Spermageddon is gettng close,
and we have to be ready by then.

This can be hijacked.

And the more of us there are, the stronger
we are.

You're forgetting that there's only
enough room in the egg for one us.

Correct, and I have a plan.

Triplets!

Tri... what did you say?

Some reliable sources told me, Rimsmith,
that the egg is designed that way.

Spunky? Spunky?

- Yes, Vulva Marie?
- I made one of those bukkake sweet cakes!

Anyone want to try?
It turned out really good.

Yes, thank you.
Just put it outside there.

You say that every time. I've been slaving away
in the kitchen, while you all...

Like I said, reliable sources have told me
that the egg is, as we know it,
designed in such a way-

- that it's open for any number
of sperm cells

- the moment one penetrates it.

Nirvana for all!

Triplets, boys!

Triplets!

Climax, Bonerson!

Climax!

Hey, boys!

- You guys are so slow!
- Thought you had died on the way up.

Funny. Hey!
Nice of you to join us.

So you all can carry some stuff.
Equality and such.

Red light! It's blinking!
What in the hell's going on?

Just a fuse that went out.
Nothing to worry about.

That wasn't just a fuse!

Can't we just go home?
We can watch a movie! Play Fortnite!

Calm down. We just have to reboot.
We got this. We're the brain.

Remember, the brain is the star.

The brain is the star.
The brain is the star!

Hey, Jens.

Hey, Lisa.

- Do you need a hand?
- No, I already have two.

Jens! The nerd who only thinks about Star
Wars and Lord of the Rings and gaming.

You only think about Star Wars
and Lord of the Rings and gaming.

I know.

Lisa?

- I hate nature!
- Want some soda, Tor Arne?

- I have enough for everybody.
- We need to think about what we're gonna cook.

I was thinking we could have some French fries for lunch,
maybe with some ketchup.

- Oh no!
- What the fuck did you do with the soda?

- You were responsible for the soda!
- What the fuck happened?

- Must have gotten the wrong bag from dad.
- No! This is a catastrophe.

Jens, mister scatterbrain,
has just sabotaged the entire cabin trip.

- Sabotaged?
- What do you mean?

Well, what have you got there?

Ruth Elisabeth.

Okay, Ruth Elisabeth, you've got to-

- cluck like a chicken!

Okay.

Okay.

Jens!

You have to-

- make out with-

- Lisa!

Make out, make out...

Yeah, I can do that,
but it's kinda up to Lisa too...

Whoa!
What the hell's going on now?

I don't know. All the blood is disappearing
from the brain. Nothing is working.

- Where did all of our blood go?
- A brain without blood is braindead.

I'm pressing all the buttons!
Do you have any more to give me!?

- The whole system is getting dicked over!
- Yep, you said it.

Everything is getting dicked over.

My gum.

Hey, do you fancy going out
for a bit?

Get some fresh air?

Fresh air is super nice! That's the good life, Lisa.
Wonderful.

It gets you wondering if there's
photosynthesis on other planets, or...

Is he retarded?
Did we just make out with a retard?

Or was it a joke?

Hard to say. The alcohol has started
to leak into some of the instruments.

We'll just have to take a chance.

...prerequisite for all life.

Okay, come on.

- So great to see you again, Jens.
- Yeah, you too.

Too bad you're only home during the summer.

Yeah, tell my dad. He's the one that wanted
to take that job in Oslo.

Good idea. Do you have his number?
I can call him right now and tell him
to get his act together.

He can't be driving the family around
the country every year like a bunch of
circus workers.

Hey, why don't you calm down a bit
with that?

Four beers. Four!

- I've never had this much to drink before.
- Is that so?

I drink beer all the time.
Drank a couple for breakfast, actually.

Lisa, there's something that
I really wanted to tell you.

- What is then?
- Since last summer,-

- when we were hanging out and
having fun-

- and kissing and all that...

I've thought about you a lot.

- Oh?
- Quite a bit actually.

- You have?
- Yes.

- I have.
- Well that's nice.

What about you?

To be totally honest, Jens...

I haven't thought about you,
not one damn bit.

Oh ok.
I totally understand, Lisa.

- Why would you?
- Jens!

I'm screwing with you!

Oh, okay.

Fuck!

You've got a sick sense of humor.

I've thought about you a lot, too.

And there's another thing-

- that I've been thinking about, too.

Oh? What is it?

And it's...

Okay...

It's happening! It's happening now!
Cumday is upon us!

This is the moment I've been preparing
for my whole life!

Everyone, it's happening now!
Cock help us!

Can you just...?

Yeah, of course.

Wait a sec...

Shit!
Everything good?

Yeah.

I've always heard love makes you blind.

- Wow.
- Do you like them?

I...

Real boobs...

I'm not...

Do you want to touch them?

Initiating Spermageddon.
This is not a drill.

All good-swimming sperm cells
shall report to the Ejaculation Temple.

This is the coolest thing I've
ever experienced!

Penetration initiated.

Simen?!
What in the name of Cock are you doing?

Didn't you hear the signal?
It's happening! He's fucking! For real!

- Cumilla!
- They're fucking now!

Cumilla, please.
I'm in the middle of something.

Perfect cumshot.
Intercourse cleared.

Cumilla, seriously?

I just fertilized Childless Chantel. She's like infertile!

- Look out!
- Oh, I see.

- Is everything ok?
- Yeah, I just have to...

Do you want some?

I've never...
Well, like I said...

This is my first time.

Mine too.

Okay, wizard.

Take out your staff and fuck me!

Huh?

Uh, I...
Don't people say things like that?

- I've seen it on PornHub.
- Yeah, you're right.

Do you want my big cock?

Yeah, like that!

Do you want it to go in your-

- tight little pussy?

Yeah, stick your cock in me!

I've been dreaming about your
cock all day!

I'm gonna fuck you!

I'm gonna fuck you hard!

I'm gonna fuck you until you
burst!

Shit.

Maybe a bit too much?

Maybe we should just stop talking?

Here, take this.

Shit!
Everything ok?

- Fucking typical.
- Don't stress out. I'll help you.

- Like so.
- And now it's on.

The big release is here!
Every sperm for himself!

Ejaculate, whoever can!
Holy Jizzus!

Come on, Simen.
Don't be so slow!

Geez, we've got Starspunks downtown
now. Awesome!

Should we get a protein shake first?

This could be our only opportunity.
Carpe penis!

Yeah I see that, but shouldn't we wait
until it's not so crowded?

- No!
- Okay.

Initiating Spermageddon.
This is not a drill. All...

Which way is it?

I don't give a fuck if I end up in a wad of
toilet paper.
I'm going full speed ahead!

Nothing's working here anymore!

It's too late. We're not the ones
making the decisions from now on.

From now on we're slaves to the little brain, AKA
the cock.

Everything's dead!
We are dead!

Today
Today is the day!

The day we've been waiting on forever

The grand day

So huge of a day that all other days become
teensy weensy

The day that is so indescribably huge

So indescribable that I'm at a loss for words!

Spermageddon!

The day Jens gets to fuck

Spermageddon!

The day the boy's peepee finds the girl's pee hole

Oh yeah!
We're going to spray the uterus full

I promise, spermiously
Yup, that's no joke

Spermageddon!

Spermageddon!

Today
Today is the day

The day that's totally unique and special

We're getting sprayed up in the belly

So Jens and Lisa can make
more of themselves

Happy screw, holy screw

Now it's time to fuck
until his club turns black and blue

Spermageddon!

The day Jens gets to penetrate

Spermageddon!

The day his cheese sausage gets marinated

It's every sperm for himself
It's do or die

Cuz when Jens gets his whole wiener in

Spermageddon!

The precum monks!

Just like the prophecies foretold.

Erectus cockus orgasmicus
ejactulatus fuckus cuntus...

- What's going on?
- They're sacrificing themselves.

Lubing up the pipe and the vagina
so we can enter.

- Oh great lube munks.
- Come on, you lazy bums!

Time to level the playing field a bit.

Turn around please!

- Cumilla!
- What the fuck are you doing?

- Simen, let me go!
- Cumilla!

It's way too dangerous! Stay!!

Let me in! Open up!

Spermageddon!

I've cut the competition in half for
you all.

Survival in the fitte.
(pun on fittest; fitte means cunt)

You can thank me later.

- I'm coming!
- What?

- I'm coming!
- Wait!

I'm ready!
I've trained my whole life for this!

Wait for me!

Yabba-dabba-doo!

Wait!

Spermageddon

Spermageddon!

Spermageddon!

Mr. Rubber,-

- Say hey to Mr. Chainsaw!

Spermageddon

Spermageddon!

Yay...

Intercourse carried out.

Maybe not exactly what we were expecting, given
all the research we've done on the Internet...

Was it as good for you as
it was for me?

It was as quick for me as it was
for you in any case.

Maybe because I hit my eye.

Everybody knows that swollen tear ducts
are directly linked to premature ejaculation.

Hey by the way-

- when you came,
did you seriously say "yabba-dabba-doo"?

Uhh, no.

I don't think I said that.

"Extra thick rubber."
I think we can rest easy here.

Fucking cheaters!

Well, anyway, I have a secret
weapon with me.

Just in case, of course.

Yeah... toothpaste. Yeah, definitely
important to take care of your teeth when...

Oh ok, I got it.

Can't go and get pregnant the first
time you have sex, you know?

That would really suck.

Was that all of it?

Is this what we've been hyping up since
we were just an itch in Jens' balls?

Well lookie here.

Game on!

This is horrible!

Remember guys, this is a marathon,
not a sprint!

We'll lay low and when we get the chance,
we'll take the egg.

Cum on!
Get a move on!

Oh my jizz.
I can't believe it.

How could Jizzmo do something like this!?

Not very cumrade-like of him.

Jizzmo?!
I can't believe you right now.

It's one thing for you to be deathly afraid
of getting ejaculated out.

But when you let that affect all the rest of
us who are trying to accomplish something...

Okay.
Okay.

Okay, so I'm basically the
bad guy here, right?

Did you see what he did?
He could have killed both of us.

Jizzmo did whatever he had to do to get to the egg.
To reach his goal.

- The same goal everyone here has!
- Cumilla...

Who knows when it'll be Spermageddon again?

If it'll ever happen again?

Don't you get it? We could be stuck here.
For fucking ever!

Don't say that Cumilla.
There'll be new opportunities.

Don't lose all hope. There's light at the
end of the urine tunnel. Come on.

This can happen to the best of us. Don't let
this take your spunk in life away.

I'm sure we can cum to another solution.

Cumilla?
Cumilla?

Cumilla?

Cumilla!

Well, well.

Thanks for a fucktastic evening.

Oh, yes.
Good night!

Dear The Force,
thanks for a lovely, lovely fuck.

Let me sleep in peace.
In Baby Yoda's name.

What...?
What are you doing?

Me? It didn't seem like
we were quite done yet.

Oh yeah? Not yet?

Cuz I'm totally exhausted. I got super tired
and cranky.

I think it's best if we just get a good
night's sleep and...

Whoa, that'll work too.

Consider my consent given!

Initiating Spermageddon.
This is not a drill.

Another chance!
Not everyone gets one of those.

We're damn lucky.

And this time it's just us,
the cream of the crop!

- Here it goes!
- Oh my Godnorrhoea. This must be a mistake.

The restitution!
Everybody, look!

We have another chance!
Damn!

Yes!

Cumilla!

It's about to shoot!

Cumilla, stop!

Shit!
Sorry.

Dear God, I totally forgot...

- Sorry.
- It's all good.

I'm only tasting my own dick.

It's totally cool.

Sorry, I only took one condom with me.
Do you...

Yep yep.
Got it.

Okay.

I saw this position on the net.

- It's like super popular.
- I've seen it too. It's a classic.

Hey, just make sure you don't bite into the
actual condom, Jens.

Does it look like I don't know what
I'm doing?

Can you even see with your eyes like that?

I can see well enough.

Is it good... good sex?

Uhh, yeah...

Thrilling.

- Everything good?
- Yeah...

Luckily you're not as big.

- Huh? What did you say?
- Nothing. Keep going!

I don't want to!
We've got to get out of here!

Come on, Simen.
This is our chance.

I don't want to!

I'm coming!

Yabba-dabba-doo!

Our guy's working hard today!

Remember the Rules of Semenness.

It's never too late to turn around!

I'm so proud of myself.
Imagine if I could see myself now!

What the hell is that?

It looks like someone is seriously
cockhungry.

It's a hole chewed out of the condom!

Come on, keep swimming!
Let's fucking go!

Everybody, wait a sec!

But the others are going to get
there before us!

Something isn't right.

Simen, I've had enough of you
sabotaging things.

If you're a little coward bastard, great.
But don't drag the rest of us down...

Cumilla!
Does this look right to you?

Does this look like what we learned about?

Simen's right.
Something isn't adding up here.

It almost smells like... sulfur.

Almost like something's burning/

- Hello, everybody!
- Hey, Jizzberg.

Good to see you all here.
Now it's just full steam ahead.

Get to the egg and then no holding back.

Keep back!
I saw it first, this is my egg!

Jizzberg's own egg.
My precious...

Wait!
Get the fuck away from...

- That's not the egg!
- To Valhalla!

Suck it, losers!

What is that?

Not entirely sure, but if I
were to guess:

- Corn.
- Huh? Corn?

- Damn that was good.
- Yeah, that was awesome.

Dear Lord, it sure was.

You're not as innocent as you look, Jens.

- Such a piggy.
- Nah...

What... What do you mean?

- You've watched a lot on PornHub.
- Now I really don't understand...

Anal sex, hello!
And for your first time too?

Anal sex?
Did we just have anal sex?

Yes

I thought you were only into Star Wars,
but you're clearly the Lord of the Rings.

Why didn't you say anything?

I thought you knew the difference between the
two of them...?

I didn't see anything, so I just shoved it in and...

Maybe we should just wait a little
before we do that again.

Yeah, yup, got it.

- It's all good. Thumbs up from me.
- Super.

- Good night, Lisa.
- Good night, Jens.

And you clearly said yabba-dabba-doo
this time.

We are in deep shit.
Quite literally.

Not what I was expecting, but still
beyond all expectations.

This reminds me of my
third orphanage.

Cumilla?
Sorry I chickened out earlier.

And sorry we ended up here.
That's the last thing I wanted.

Nah, it's all good.
Sorry for chewing you out.

You saved all of us.

And we're still in the game.

Like Jizzmo would have said:
Where there's a hole, there's hope!

- Look over there!
- By the devil! What is that?

That is what is referred to in scientific
terms as "poop".

Shit, excrement,
manure, dung, caca, crap.

It fills up the entire intestine. Sooner or later,
it will loosen and we'll be pushed out.

- And then where do we end up?
- In No-Sperm's-Land.

Where neither sperm nor egg can live.

Welp, like my late doctor used to say:

It's never too late to give up!

Can't a poor intestinal bacteria just
take a well-deserved nap for once?

What in the...?
What kind of weirdo are you?

Me?
I'm not a weirdo!

I'm actually quite common.

You'll find thousands just like me

- in every butt in the world.

I am an

E. coli, buddy

Yeah, a proper cheeky guy

And I live in the bum
Where I make lots of little farts

But I can also go out for a
trip if I want to

And if people don't wash their hands
I can kill them, cuz it's fun!

And nope, they don't even have to touch
poop directly.
I spread out on food, get mixed in with water

And before you can even count to three,
I've made their life a living hell

Oh yeah! I've been waiting for
a good explosion.

Something's finally happening here!

We need to take cover.
We'll die if we stay here.

But why don't you just leave?

Go?
Where can we go?

Duh!

Further up the intestines!

The last time I checked it was
blocked off by a huge amount of
waste.

You just have to chew your way through that!

Some

Might call be a tad perverse

Because it doesn't get any better
than poop for me

Yeah, it tastes so good
To me it's just the best

It tastes a thousand times better
than cake or baked potatoes

I can't control myself
It tastes so nice

I'll eat anything on the menu
but would rather skip corn

Because to be honest it tastes
like crap

But not like actual crap which
tastes great!
Nam-nam!

What a cool dude
And he can sing too!

If I remember correctly... the intestines
go upwards and inwards, right?

And piss is made up there where all
the poop is made too.

Piss?
What's that?

Piss?
Well...

It's a kind of-

- dance music that goes like
badabing, badabong.

No. It's a solution of organic and inorganic
compounds-

- which is excreted through the kidneys.
Also called urine.

Simen!
You are such a damn nerd!

We can make our way to the stomach acid,
take our way through the stomach-

- get funneled out with the urine and
swim with the current out of the urethra.

Then we'll make our way into the vagina
and onwards towards the uterus!

This time towards the right hole.

Wait a minute, Mr. E. Coli.
Maybe you can help us.

Maybe you can eat your way through
that lump blocking the intestines?

That wouldn't be out of character for me, but...

I want a kiss first.

Excellent! One of you kisses this thing on his
ass mouth, then we can get going.

I'm not kissing that disgusting piece
of shit on his poopy mouth!

I was expecting more of a Nutella taste,
but that was a bit more... umami.

My first kiss. Can't complain.

Ok, you got what you wanted. Take
us to the stomach acid.

Yeah, relax!

Nothing to stress out about.

Ok, let's get shitfaced!

Well it's always interesting to
learn about new cultures, huh?

This was gooood shit!

What in the hell?

Disappear!

Fucking cream!
Who the hell do you think you are?

You think you can fuck with me?
Think you can stop me?

Like he deserves.

Cheaters.

Which way should we go now, Bonerson?

No idea, Rimsmith.

Like every other guy, I'm no expert
when it comes to vagina.

Calm down.
I'll take care of this.

Check this out.
We can have a little snack

While we sit here and weigh it out.
Always better to think on a full stomach.

- That's what Vulva-Marie says anyway.
- Is that ham and fresh cock cheese I see?

Food!?
You guys are thinking about food right now?!

Do I have to do everything by myself?

Is it too much to ask for
you both to contribute too?

Fucking idiots!
Amateurs! Meatheads!

No!
Dammit!

Since I don't have enough
rockets for all of you,-

- we'll just have to be our usual
cummy smart selves.

Limp-dicked sausages!
Crooked-cock baby sparrows!

Awkward pissypants, the lot of you!

Come on Bonerson, calm down.

Out of the way!

Watch out!

Last one there's a rotten egg!

Oh no! Spunky!

My chest hurts!
I think one of them got me, guys.

I feel salty. Am I dying?

I'll be honest with you:
You've looked better.

Do you think there's a sperm-heaven, boss?

Do you think I'm going to sperm-heaven now?

Of course, if that's what you
find comfort in...

Can you say something to Vulva-Marie for me?

Of course, just tell me what it is.

Spurt it out, anything at all!

Tell.... tell her...

- that she has to stop...

- serving that bukkake cake of hers-

- every fucking time.

No!
Don't go.

Rimsmith?

- There's been a change in plans.
- Oh yeah?

Twins.

Twins?

Oh fuck!

Everything good, Mr. E. coli?

I think I just ate something weird.
That's the worst thing I've ever tasted.

I think it was...

Food.

Food?

- That must mean...
- The poop percentage is falling.

- We're getting closer to the stomach.
- Imagine that! The books were correct.

The butt is connected to the stomach!
We made it!

Hurray!

Okay, dear sperm buds.
Farewell!

And who knows?
Maybe we'll see each other out there again?

If you're bad at washing your hands or
get into rimming!

What's rimming?

Time will tell, Simen!
Time will tell!

Thanks for your help, Mr. E. coli!

This place is even bigger-

- than Sack City's biggest themepark,
Jizzneyland!

What is this?

This is butt juice that...

- well, boils down into poop.

No, that's stomach acid.

This is where the body digests all the nutrients
it takes in.

See that shaft over there? That's where the food
comes from.

And up there somewhere is
the mouth and the head.

The mouth!
Yes, the mouth.

The upper body's answer to the vagina.

If we make it across without being
dissolved by stomach acid,

- we can follow the urethra down
to the real hole.

Simen, you are absolutely incredible!

So in other words, all we need is a vessel?

Why does the boat smell like tutti frutti?

There it is!
The whirlpool!

Hope you all don't get seasick easily.

Turn around!
Come on, Simen, swim!

- No no no, we're heading in the right direction.
- The famous Vaginagara Falls!

I can't believe we get to see this with out own eyes!

Are we going down there?

You bet your balls we are!

No!

Come on, Cumilla!

We have to use these weird ropes
or whatever the fuck they are-

- and sling ourselves over to
the vagina!

Put your weight into it!
We have to swing ourselves over.

Swing like an old dude's nutsack!

Looks like the French-fry dinner from
yesterday has bid adieu.

- No!
- Come on!

- Thank Cock, I think she's done.
- What the fuck did she eat?

Made it by a cunt hair, huh?

No!

- Aftersquirt!
- Sometimes almost is good enough.

What a pleasure to have met you all,-

- friends!

I love you!

Jens!
Hey, wake up.

I slept like a rock.

Nothing makes you sleep better than a good
orgasm. Am I right, or am I right?

Oh yeah.
Come on, get dressed. The sun's out.

Can't just waste a whole day
sleeping.

Uh, yeah I can.
I've done it plenty of times before.

What in the genital warts...!?

Has she fucked a smurf or what?

It's spermicide cream.

It's just like the icing on a cake,-

- except it's not on a cake and
it kills sperm.

Swim!
Swim towards Nirvana.

Come on, let's pull away from the pack!

Loadtastic!

But we stil have to catch up to Jizzmo!

They just won't give up, huh?
Unspermally tough!

Well, well.

Guess we have to throw in the
cum towel for them, then.

Rimsmith, watch out!

He missed!

So long, suckers!

Next stop:
Egg cell station!

They're faster than us!

Professor!

Make me proud, Simen and Cumilla.

Find the light-

- and make me proud!

And know that I died doing
what I loved:

Living!

You've gotta take matters into your own hands
from now on, Bonerson, my old friend.

Old?

Didn't we only meet last night?

Catch up to Jizzmo and conquer the egg.
For both of us. Avenge me.

The plan was for us to become
twins together.

That's nothing to strive for. They have to share
everything. Clothes. Women. Candy.

You can't leave me now!

Swim away, Bonerson. Show them
what you are made of. Climax,
Bonerson.

And remember: whoever ejaculates
last, ejaculates best!

No!

No!

No!

Simen!
Come on!

We can't stop now

Arriving at destination
in T minus 0.1 millimeter.

Yes, indeed.
Here's the uterus!

Shit, so beautiful! It looks like
a really awesome video game.

Feeling sick?

No, I'd just rather be safe than sorry,
considering what happened yesterday.

- Always best...
- To be completely sure.

- Exactly.
- Yeah right?

- You get it.
- I'm in total agreement.

Good.

Something's missing here.

Cumputer!
Give me the location of the egg cell!

Egg cell located. Egg cell
is located out of range.

Reason: regret projectile activated
...

The bitch took a Plan B pill!?

Fuck me in the ass! If there's one thing thing I hate,
it's people who regret everything!

Oh, Cumputer!
I just want to die!

Suicide sequence initiating
in T minus 30.

- 29, 28...
- Cancel! Undo! Undo!

Suicide-sequence undone.

Come on
We're getting close!

Have we lost them?

No!

What sort of paranoid broad

- uses condoms, spermicide and plan-B pills?

Cumputer. Give me an estimate on how long I can
survive in this shit hole.

Without provisions or recharging
you'll last for T minus 32 minutes.

And how long until the
Plan-B pill wears off?

The medication's half-life is
...43 hours.

43 hours?!

What the hell...

You know why this is happening, huh?

It's your fault!

I had a plan.

I was prepared!

But one of your amateurs-

- must have hit a nerve or something!

Fucked with her hormones.
Scared her.

One of you, maybe more.

But if I'm gonna die down here...

at least I'll-

- die alone!

Carrying out destruction
of all sperm cells in three...

No!

Stop right there!

Let me go, you overgrown larva!

What do you...

Guten tag,
buenos dias, buorre beaivi...
(Good morning in German, Spanish, Northern Sami)

See ya in the toilet bowel, you dingleberry!

Unfortunately I don't think I can participate,
but you're free to say hey to all my buds.

You still think you can defeat me?

With one tail.

Cumputer.
Carry out self destruction.

Self destruction executing
in T minus 30 seconds.

30, 29, 28, 27, 26...

Where is the egg?

...8, 7, 6, 5...

Climax, Jizzmo.

...3, 2, 1.

Thanks for today.

Shit, it was so damn nice coming
yesterday.

- Yeah.
- I came so fucking hard. I just...

- Was it the same for you?
- Well, yeah, but uhh...

Because you came...

When you came.
Right?

Okay, I didn't come.

- I don't need to come.
- Of course you gotta come. Well that means that
I didn't...

- Nah, it's not that important for me.
- But it's important to me!

I want you to come.

You have to!

Okay?

Well, well...

Hello!

I...

I really, really want to fuck
you again.

Fuck you long and hard.

I've fantasized about that cock
all night.

Oh, that lovely, big dick of yours!

I'm gonna fuck you so hard that you faint. You're
gonna get a double concussion.

And I'm gonna fuck you even harder.

And I'm gonna tear your dick off.
Rip it right off and use it like a dildo.

While you just lay there bleeding to death
and just watch me as I come!

- Okay?
- Yeah.

- Shit. I mean, "bleeding to death"?
- Sorry, that was a little...

We just have to practice that a little bit.

Like...

Like Adam and Eve.

Except Adam and Eve-

- didn't do anal on the first night.

That's true.

Or rather, we can't really know for sure.

Bonerson sacrificed himself.

Look!

It's not over!
Come on!

Oww!

Shit!

What the fuck?

Come on, Cumilla!

Is everything good?

Got 'em!

Come on!

One last time!

This is it!

No!
Not you!

Once bitten, twice shy!

- No!
- Once bitten, twice shy!

I'm cumming! I'm cumming!

Cumilla!

Shit, I'm coming too.
I'm coming too!

Just pull out,
just remember to pull out!

Yabba-dabba-doo!

Oh fuck!

Help!
Help me!

Jens!

Cumilla!

Cumilla, help!

Jens!

Stop!
Wait!

Jens!

Stand still!

Wasps are yellow and black. Is that all we've got?
Why don't we know more about wasps?

Let's try a flashback.

- The flower is the boss!
- The flower is the boss!

Respect the flower!

Come on!

Jens!

Help your idol fulfill
his destiny.

Never!

Jizzus Christ!

Come on.

Shit!
Are they gone?

Yeah.
Is everything ok?

It uh...
... it hurts.

How does it... look?

I mean yeah uh... it looks good.

I'm just gonna see if I can find some...

Just don't look down!

Hey Jens?

I just wanna say-

- thanks for a "fucktastic" weekend.

Thank you too.

Hey, Cumilla?

I'm glad I didn't stay behind
in the ballsack.

I'm glad I came along on this
journey.

With you.

- I love you, Cumilla.
- I love you too, Simen.

You know that when we go in there-

- it's all over

The journey is over.

Yeah.

But what a journey it's been!

- Are you coming?
- I'm coming.

Hard.

And all the tests look great.

Just take this
and then the process begins.

It's as easy as that.

Well then, how long have you
all been together?

Six....weeks.

Six weeks, yeah.

Well it goes without saying that -

- you all aren't ready for this.
And that's totally fine.

- Do you have jobs?
- No.

- An apartment?
- No.

- School?
- I graduated high school in spring.

So you have everything ahead of you guys.
Maybe together, maybe not.

Who knows?

But just use protection next time, ok?

But I did...

And so did I...

Never mind.

- Is, like, everything good?
- Lisa, honey, everything's great.

Yeah it is.
Because remember...

If you've gotten yourself some
dick

And maybe it didn't last that long

and even if the egg got a little poke

of the man's... caviar

It's still great to say
"thanks, but no thanks, not right now"

Cuz if you're not feeling it

then you're not

ready!

Everyone can suck
Everyone can fuck

Everyone can suck, lick,
stick it in a hole

Everyone can pop out a kid or three

But that doesn't mean it's a good idea

Soon there'll be 10 billion of us on earth

Meatheads living on junkfood and
gossip

So let's be honest, folks.
Let's say it together:

"Do we really need more of them?"

No!
If you're not ready, then you're not ready

Ready to be a mom
Ready to be a dad

It's a complex question
but there's a simple answer:

If you're not ready,
then you're not ready

That's just how it is. Nothing wrong with that.
Because you gotta be ready.

Lots of people have been here

laying on my bench

Because you don't always think
before fucking

You can be poor

And you can be rich

But if it doesn't feel right

Just sit right here and spread 'em

If you're not ready
Then you're not ready

Ready to be a mom
Ready to be a dad

It's a complex question
but there's a simple answer

- If you're not ready...
- Then you're not ready!

I had an abortion once
When I was young and pretty

I loved cock so much,
but kids not so much.

And I impregnated a flight attendant in 2005

That was another time
Then we got down to business!

If you're not ready,
Then you're not ready!

Ready to be a mom
Ready to be a dad

- Try getting a dog first
- Or living together as a couple

But if you're not ready

Nope, if you're not ready

There's so many other things
You can waste your life on

Think about how much good stuff
is on Netflix right now

And you'll probably get knocked up again soon
It's so easy to do

And there's plenty of us
down here anyway!

- Here in the sack!
- Go on and sing, sperm!

Here in the sack!

Here in the sack!

- Here it comes!
- Here in the sack!

Soon there'll be 10 billion of us on earth

Meatheads living on junkfood
and gossip

The question is complex
but it's got an easy answer

If you're not ready

Then you're not ready

Ready!

Nope, you're not ready!
You're not ready!

Oh baby, you're not ready

And that's great

Yep, that's great

You don't need to be ready!

- Are you ok?
- Yeah, I think so.

- Sorry.
- For what?

You're the one it's hitting the hardest.

It's you, alone, that has to get through
all this, because of what we did.

But you're here with me, aren't you?

The whole way through.

Well then I'm not alone after all.

No.
So... What now?

What about a movie, maybe?

Yeah!

Sure. What about Lord of the Rings?
Just got a special edition on Blu-ray.

Or Star Wars. The last one
just came out in Ultra HD.

Cool.
What about all of them?

- Altogether?
- Yeah?

If I take this pill, it'll take two
days for it to work.

We can just binge through the whole thing.

Has anyone ever told you-

- that you are the most fantastic, coolest,
most awesome girl that ever existed?

Yes.

Exactly 2 seconds ago.

I think we should start with Star Wars then.
The question is in which order.

Do we watch them in production year order,
or do we start with episode 1?

Or we can also watch them in the totally
correct timeline order.

Meaning we start with episode 1, 2, 3 and then
skip over to Rogue One.

Nah we're forgetting Andor. Andor is
really a prequel to Rogue One...

English translation: PiG30N