All language subtitles for Count Arthur Strong s03e07 Safari Park

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,000 Sorry for them. 2 00:00:33,260 --> 00:00:36,500 I believe you were recently involved in an accident that was not your fault. 3 00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:39,160 Thank goodness you called! 4 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:41,960 Oh, you were? 5 00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:45,500 Just now. How did you know? 6 00:00:46,820 --> 00:00:48,480 Can you tell me how it happened? 7 00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:51,320 I'm not 100 % certain myself. 8 00:00:52,180 --> 00:00:56,140 I'm lucky to be talking to you now, to be honest. It was touch and go there for 9 00:00:56,140 --> 00:00:57,140 a while. 10 00:00:57,200 --> 00:01:00,180 Would you be interested in pursuing compensation? 11 00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:02,160 Compensation? 12 00:01:02,460 --> 00:01:06,380 Really? Yeah, you could be entitled to compensation. Did you know that? 13 00:01:06,660 --> 00:01:08,500 I have to say. What's your name? 14 00:01:08,820 --> 00:01:12,800 Roger. I have to say, Roger, you're terribly efficient. 15 00:01:13,500 --> 00:01:16,300 Compensation hadn't even crossed my mind at this stage. 16 00:01:17,220 --> 00:01:20,100 I'm only now getting my breath back. 17 00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:23,020 Where did it happen? 18 00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:24,680 Um, up there. 19 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:33,680 Yes, in my home. 20 00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,060 Can't you see me? 21 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:39,200 No, I can't see you. 22 00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:42,360 But when I fell into the toilet, you saw that bit. 23 00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:47,420 No. Well, you just heard the splash and put two and two together. 24 00:01:48,380 --> 00:01:49,380 No. 25 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:55,340 So, you just called on the off chance that I'd fallen into the toilet. 26 00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:57,160 That's very enterprising. 27 00:01:57,940 --> 00:02:00,040 How much do you think I can get? 28 00:02:01,540 --> 00:02:02,540 Well, I... 29 00:02:02,860 --> 00:02:04,340 The homeowner, or are you renting? 30 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:05,680 Um, yes. 31 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:08,639 Which one? 32 00:02:08,759 --> 00:02:09,759 Which one what? 33 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:12,020 Which one are you? 34 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:13,700 Arthur, remember? 35 00:02:14,500 --> 00:02:19,200 I fell down the toilet. Are you renting, or do you own it? The toilet. 36 00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:21,920 Came with the house, I think. 37 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:23,560 No, the house. 38 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:26,240 Do you own the house? I do. 39 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:29,980 Oh, I see what you're getting at. I consume myself. 40 00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:34,380 That makes things easier, or more complicated. 41 00:02:34,740 --> 00:02:36,180 No, no, you can't sue yourself. 42 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:37,359 Why not? 43 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:39,180 I think I've got quite a good case. 44 00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:42,020 I might even settle out of court. 45 00:02:42,260 --> 00:02:45,320 You can't owe yourself... Oh, God! 46 00:02:45,980 --> 00:02:47,040 You all right, mate? 47 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:50,680 I hate my job. 48 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:57,040 I hate my job. I hate it. I hate, hate, hate my job. I hate my job. 49 00:02:57,380 --> 00:03:00,060 I hate my job. 50 00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:02,480 Sorry to hear that. 51 00:03:03,180 --> 00:03:04,200 Why don't you leave? 52 00:03:05,900 --> 00:03:06,899 Maybe I will. 53 00:03:06,900 --> 00:03:07,900 Maybe I will. 54 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:09,400 What is it you do? 55 00:03:14,020 --> 00:03:15,380 Come and sit here, please, Cedar. 56 00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:16,780 It's been quite a morning. 57 00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:27,300 So? 58 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:28,839 So what? 59 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:29,860 I'm giving you one chance. 60 00:03:31,180 --> 00:03:32,500 Say it. Let's have it. 61 00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,120 You've got no excuse. I told you yesterday. 62 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:37,400 Sure, I don't know what you're talking about. 63 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:44,080 Ha... Happy... 64 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:48,780 Birth... 65 00:03:48,780 --> 00:03:52,880 Birthday... 66 00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:59,100 Michael... What was the first part again? 67 00:03:59,820 --> 00:04:02,520 Happy birth... Oh, thank you very much. 68 00:04:02,980 --> 00:04:04,680 Wait a minute, that's not for months. 69 00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:05,920 To me! 70 00:04:06,220 --> 00:04:09,880 Unbelievable. Well, I'm not supposed to remember every sodded birthday, am I? 71 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:11,720 It's someone's birthday every day. 72 00:04:11,940 --> 00:04:15,060 That's two years in a row now. You always remember Eggie and John's. 73 00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,540 Oh, that was a nice day. 74 00:04:17,899 --> 00:04:22,200 Oh, when I hired the houseboat. Oh, wasn't it just Eggie? Oh, it was lovely. 75 00:04:22,580 --> 00:04:24,880 We had cocktails on deck and everything. 76 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:27,300 It did think, though. 77 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:28,780 Yeah, only the front of it. 78 00:04:29,130 --> 00:04:31,630 It was bone dry at the back. You just couldn't get up there. 79 00:04:32,090 --> 00:04:33,910 We almost drowned, Arthur. 80 00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:37,730 John, do you remember when I hired that hot air balloon? That was fun, wasn't 81 00:04:37,730 --> 00:04:41,030 it? Yeah, but again, Arthur, we almost drowned. 82 00:04:42,050 --> 00:04:43,250 Look, it doesn't bother me. 83 00:04:43,570 --> 00:04:44,570 No, 84 00:04:44,930 --> 00:04:45,930 it does. It does. 85 00:04:46,790 --> 00:04:50,810 I don't know. I thought we were... You know what? You're just you. 86 00:04:51,210 --> 00:04:53,650 You're not being... You're just you. 87 00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:03,669 What's so funny? 88 00:05:03,670 --> 00:05:04,670 Nothing. 89 00:05:05,250 --> 00:05:06,250 Happy birthday. 90 00:05:06,870 --> 00:05:08,450 Get your filthy hands off my sister. 91 00:05:10,630 --> 00:05:12,410 Maybe I didn't drop enough booze. 92 00:05:13,030 --> 00:05:14,030 Was I too subtle? 93 00:05:14,610 --> 00:05:16,450 I don't think you were too subtle. 94 00:05:18,030 --> 00:05:20,450 Just to say, everyone, it's my birthday tomorrow. 95 00:05:21,150 --> 00:05:22,490 It's just a general announcement. 96 00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:24,810 It's not aimed at anyone in particular. 97 00:05:26,290 --> 00:05:29,010 Just, you know, when people are friends, it's nice to remember each other's 98 00:05:29,010 --> 00:05:30,010 birthdays. 99 00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:33,240 A kind of way of showing that you're not unhappy that they're alive. 100 00:05:34,420 --> 00:05:35,420 Arthur. 101 00:05:36,740 --> 00:05:37,740 Arthur! 102 00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:41,560 Did you hear any of what I just said? Sorry, Michael, I've got things on my 103 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:44,260 mind. I think the date might be up on one of my vouchers. 104 00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:46,880 50p off a leg of lamp, I'll keep that safe. 105 00:05:47,300 --> 00:05:48,500 Two full and gym membership. 106 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:50,040 Oh, here it is. 107 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,640 I was right. This runs out today. 108 00:05:52,980 --> 00:05:57,700 I've got to get myself down to Anne Somers. I bet he did remember. 109 00:05:58,630 --> 00:06:01,230 It's just so cheap he doesn't want to have to buy me a cup of tea or 110 00:06:01,770 --> 00:06:08,450 Um, yeah, um, sorry, I just have to... What's so 111 00:06:08,450 --> 00:06:10,910 funny? They're planning a surprise for Michael. 112 00:06:11,570 --> 00:06:13,450 Please don't kiss customers on their birthday. 113 00:06:13,690 --> 00:06:14,690 He's my boyfriend. 114 00:06:14,790 --> 00:06:15,709 And a customer. 115 00:06:15,710 --> 00:06:18,130 We don't want everyone thinking they get a kiss on their birthday. 116 00:06:18,810 --> 00:06:21,470 It's exactly the kind of thing idiot man will start asking for. 117 00:06:23,430 --> 00:06:24,309 You OK? 118 00:06:24,310 --> 00:06:25,310 Get the banner up. 119 00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:30,660 Oh, I can't wait to see his face when he realises I'm not a terrible friend, as 120 00:06:30,660 --> 00:06:34,740 I have been pretending to be for a number of years to give him this 121 00:06:34,740 --> 00:06:39,380 today. It's a good thing Birdie overheard him talking to Zenim. And then 122 00:06:39,380 --> 00:06:43,840 dinner, for which I have bought a superb South American Malbec, I thought we 123 00:06:43,840 --> 00:06:47,200 could watch Seven Samurai, which is my favourite film ever. 124 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,340 Hey, three hours long. 125 00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:51,760 Oh, it flies by. 126 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:53,660 Can I cook at least? 127 00:06:54,340 --> 00:06:58,060 No, no, Zenim, I'll do it. I don't believe you. You get insulted when 128 00:06:58,060 --> 00:07:00,720 forget your birthday, and then when people remember, you don't want them to 129 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:01,720 anything for you. 130 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:03,200 I know. 131 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:07,640 On my 10th birthday, my dad promised me a trip to the zoo. 132 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:11,500 Then on the day, he decided to do a speech at the dinner for Tommy Cooper 133 00:07:11,500 --> 00:07:12,500 instead. 134 00:07:12,860 --> 00:07:13,860 Just like that. 135 00:07:14,780 --> 00:07:18,700 Ever since, I've been in charge of my own birthday, and as a result, it's 136 00:07:18,700 --> 00:07:19,900 just the way I like it. 137 00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:22,420 I suppose that makes me terribly anal. 138 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:33,980 What a strange place. 139 00:07:35,780 --> 00:07:36,840 What is Arthur? 140 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:38,200 I'm Summers. 141 00:07:39,020 --> 00:07:41,060 I don't quite know how to describe it. 142 00:07:41,460 --> 00:07:45,580 It's a sort of... I don't know what sort of place this is. 143 00:07:46,180 --> 00:07:52,920 They had this... I don't know what it was, but it lit up. I 144 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:54,540 think it had a bell on it. 145 00:07:55,140 --> 00:07:56,140 Oh, I don't know. 146 00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:58,520 I know I don't want to go there again, though. 147 00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:01,900 Did you not use your voucher, then? Oh, no, I used the voucher. 148 00:08:04,170 --> 00:08:05,170 Yes, Birdie? 149 00:08:06,030 --> 00:08:10,030 Your man, Brian, he's just been telling a terrible, sad story. 150 00:08:10,430 --> 00:08:11,530 Brian, you mean Michael? 151 00:08:11,810 --> 00:08:16,110 Yeah, one of those names. He was talking to cinema. What an awful, brutal 152 00:08:16,110 --> 00:08:17,350 childhood he had. 153 00:08:17,610 --> 00:08:22,630 Really, Birdie? Go on, then. He wanted to go to the zoo, but his dad took Tommy 154 00:08:22,630 --> 00:08:23,630 Cooper instead. 155 00:08:23,810 --> 00:08:28,270 Oh. And now, as a result of it, he has a tremendous anal problem. 156 00:08:28,630 --> 00:08:31,030 Oh. Right, that settles it. 157 00:08:31,310 --> 00:08:32,890 We're going to give him a proper birthday. 158 00:08:33,510 --> 00:08:35,850 I'm going to pull all the stops out. No expense spared. 159 00:08:36,490 --> 00:08:37,990 It's in here somewhere. I know it is. 160 00:08:38,370 --> 00:08:39,669 Here it is. 161 00:08:40,570 --> 00:08:44,870 I've been saving this. What is it, Arthur? This, Eggie, is the golden 162 00:08:45,170 --> 00:08:46,170 Golden ticket? 163 00:08:46,310 --> 00:08:48,630 Yes, you know, like from Charlie's wonky willy factory. 164 00:08:49,790 --> 00:08:53,730 I'm going to give Michael a birthday to remember if it kills him. And me. 165 00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:04,210 Who's Brian? 166 00:09:04,650 --> 00:09:05,850 Sorry about that. 167 00:09:06,130 --> 00:09:10,110 Birdie did that. But make no mistake, we are here to celebrate you, Brian. 168 00:09:10,410 --> 00:09:12,310 Michael. Thank you very much. 169 00:09:12,530 --> 00:09:13,530 I don't know what to say. 170 00:09:13,630 --> 00:09:18,910 Oh, the childlike delight in your eyes says it all. But it's not over yet, for 171 00:09:18,910 --> 00:09:21,590 we are going on a magical mystery tour. 172 00:09:22,070 --> 00:09:23,650 What? We have everything planned. 173 00:09:23,890 --> 00:09:25,370 Come on, you're carried, you wait. 174 00:09:25,590 --> 00:09:27,570 Oh, no, no, no. Arthur, Stephen and I have something planned. 175 00:09:27,890 --> 00:09:28,970 What, did you know about this? 176 00:09:29,290 --> 00:09:32,830 I did, and they've promised to get you back in time. Fear not. We shall return 177 00:09:32,830 --> 00:09:35,090 you to your lady's arms at the appointed hour. 178 00:09:36,150 --> 00:09:40,490 Er... Oh, Michael, for goodness sake, be spontaneous for once in your life. 179 00:09:41,370 --> 00:09:42,570 Oh, all right, what the heck. 180 00:09:43,570 --> 00:09:46,010 Arthur, I'm in your hands. 181 00:09:52,170 --> 00:09:53,290 When can I take this off? 182 00:09:53,770 --> 00:09:54,770 When we're there. 183 00:09:55,750 --> 00:09:56,750 How long's the drive? 184 00:09:57,530 --> 00:09:59,040 Well... An hour and a half. 185 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,080 I'm not wearing a blindfold for an hour and a half. 186 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:05,240 Let's go on, then. Take it off. Bet you'll spoil the surprise. 187 00:10:13,140 --> 00:10:14,140 Oh, really cool. 188 00:10:27,150 --> 00:10:28,150 Where are we going? 189 00:10:28,750 --> 00:10:31,990 Let me put it this way. Do you like animals? 190 00:10:35,470 --> 00:10:36,470 They're all right. 191 00:10:36,650 --> 00:10:41,090 What's the spirit? Well, we're all going to Felstead Safari Park! 192 00:10:41,690 --> 00:10:42,690 Hooray! 193 00:10:43,490 --> 00:10:44,490 Oh. 194 00:10:45,070 --> 00:10:46,610 Oh, wow. Okay. 195 00:10:47,930 --> 00:10:48,930 Why? 196 00:10:49,210 --> 00:10:51,490 Because your dad took Tommy Cooper to the zoo. 197 00:10:54,250 --> 00:10:57,490 Couldn't get a voucher for the zoo, but this is the next best thing. 198 00:10:57,910 --> 00:10:59,870 Oh. Oh, you overheard me. 199 00:11:00,430 --> 00:11:02,150 No, he didn't take Tommy Cooper to the zoo. 200 00:11:03,270 --> 00:11:04,530 Oh, it doesn't matter. 201 00:11:05,670 --> 00:11:07,930 Thank you, Arthur. That's very thoughtful. 202 00:11:08,950 --> 00:11:11,910 The voucher gives us 60 % off a family ticket. 203 00:11:12,150 --> 00:11:13,149 And a wife. 204 00:11:13,150 --> 00:11:14,950 And a wonderful wife you are, dear. 205 00:11:16,350 --> 00:11:17,350 OK, 206 00:11:17,930 --> 00:11:18,930 isn't Eggie coming? 207 00:11:19,130 --> 00:11:20,130 Hello, Michael. 208 00:11:20,270 --> 00:11:21,970 He's in the boot until we get in. 209 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:24,300 Er, if somebody pays for one child. 210 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:31,780 OK, so, Eggie's in the boot, and we're passing John off as a schoolboy. 211 00:11:32,100 --> 00:11:33,380 It's about the size of it. 212 00:11:34,460 --> 00:11:36,280 John does not look like a schoolboy. 213 00:11:36,900 --> 00:11:37,900 He's dead young, Michael. 214 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,280 I'm sorry, Hugh, don't. No, boys. 215 00:11:40,580 --> 00:11:43,200 Michael, John, I will turn this car round! 216 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:44,920 LAUGHTER 217 00:11:52,010 --> 00:11:53,410 What do you think of the car, Michael? 218 00:11:53,910 --> 00:11:57,430 It's an Austin Maxi, the Rolls -Royce of the car world. 219 00:11:57,950 --> 00:11:59,330 Can't be many of these still on the road. 220 00:11:59,550 --> 00:12:04,170 I'll tell you something. You would not believe how cheaply I was able to hire 221 00:12:04,170 --> 00:12:04,789 for the day. 222 00:12:04,790 --> 00:12:07,430 They were practically begging me to take it away. 223 00:12:08,370 --> 00:12:11,730 Right. Probably because there's a bit of a hole under my seat. 224 00:12:12,210 --> 00:12:13,129 Don't worry, though. 225 00:12:13,130 --> 00:12:17,030 I've stuffed a load of newspapers down there, so it won't get too drafty in the 226 00:12:17,030 --> 00:12:18,030 back. 227 00:12:18,050 --> 00:12:20,990 This is the same car we went to my birthday in, isn't it? 228 00:12:21,290 --> 00:12:22,290 It is, Eggie. 229 00:12:23,550 --> 00:12:26,390 You all nearly died, didn't you, that time? 230 00:12:26,770 --> 00:12:27,770 We did. 231 00:12:28,070 --> 00:12:32,110 Not because of the car, though. That was because I spent very little money on 232 00:12:32,110 --> 00:12:33,110 the boat. 233 00:12:33,190 --> 00:12:34,190 That's right. 234 00:12:35,050 --> 00:12:38,810 And then, on John's birthday, you all nearly died then, too. 235 00:12:39,590 --> 00:12:41,110 That's right. We nearly drowned. 236 00:12:41,930 --> 00:12:44,490 Luckily, no chance of that in a safari park. 237 00:12:45,690 --> 00:12:47,290 A safari park. 238 00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:55,140 I'm going to a safari park on my birthday with Arthur 239 00:12:55,140 --> 00:12:58,040 in this car. 240 00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:01,220 The car is safe, isn't it? 241 00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:04,180 Incredibly safe for the money. 242 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:05,640 It's secure? 243 00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:08,640 Bound to be secure, I would imagine. 244 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:10,240 Is it, though? 245 00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,040 Secure and safe, full stop? 246 00:13:12,340 --> 00:13:15,480 Secure and safe, full stop, I would say. 247 00:13:16,260 --> 00:13:17,740 Categorically safe and secure. 248 00:13:18,690 --> 00:13:23,590 Categorically, in general terms, I would imagine so. 249 00:13:23,870 --> 00:13:27,470 Arthur, can you assure me that this car is completely safe? 250 00:13:29,630 --> 00:13:30,630 Yes. 251 00:13:33,990 --> 00:13:35,210 I'm going to die. 252 00:13:35,970 --> 00:13:37,690 Arthur does like to cut corners. 253 00:13:37,970 --> 00:13:41,090 I'm extremely frightened. We're going to a safari park. 254 00:13:41,790 --> 00:13:43,110 It doesn't feel safe. 255 00:13:43,870 --> 00:13:45,350 I don't feel safe at all. 256 00:13:46,030 --> 00:13:47,830 Well, I'm a bit worried about all of you now. 257 00:13:48,510 --> 00:13:52,610 Maybe if you sneak away, they'll cancel it and just come home. You can make up 258 00:13:52,610 --> 00:13:53,610 an excuse later. 259 00:13:53,810 --> 00:13:54,810 Sneak away? 260 00:13:55,950 --> 00:13:56,950 Maybe. 261 00:13:57,370 --> 00:13:58,390 I'll call you back. OK. 262 00:14:26,510 --> 00:14:27,510 so beautiful out here. 263 00:14:32,690 --> 00:14:33,690 I suppose. 264 00:14:37,670 --> 00:14:39,030 Are you coming, then? 265 00:14:40,810 --> 00:14:41,810 Yep. 266 00:14:42,570 --> 00:14:43,570 On my way. 267 00:14:50,910 --> 00:14:54,130 All right, everyone. Here we are. You know what to do. 268 00:14:58,670 --> 00:15:00,090 Oh, now, dear, let's not argue. 269 00:15:00,430 --> 00:15:01,430 Nag, nag, nag. 270 00:15:02,370 --> 00:15:04,810 Women, eh? Oh, there'll be the death of me. 271 00:15:05,010 --> 00:15:10,310 Hello, my good man. I have here a voucher for a family ticket. Please 272 00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:11,049 for families. 273 00:15:11,050 --> 00:15:14,510 We are a family, as my wife and son will confirm. 274 00:15:14,710 --> 00:15:18,070 Although, don't pay too much attention to my son. He's shy. 275 00:15:18,290 --> 00:15:22,750 I love you and I always will, despite what my father decreed. Let's not get 276 00:15:22,750 --> 00:15:27,140 all that now, Birdie, my dear. My father opposed... Yes, that's not really an 277 00:15:27,140 --> 00:15:30,640 issue at the moment, Birdie. We're going to a safari park. 278 00:15:30,860 --> 00:15:33,160 And now we're a family with a lovely wee boy. 279 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,340 Yes, don't bring unnecessary attention to John, Birdie. 280 00:15:37,380 --> 00:15:38,380 What about him? 281 00:15:38,780 --> 00:15:39,780 He's paying. 282 00:15:45,100 --> 00:15:47,480 Here we go. Ooh, isn't that exciting? 283 00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:49,520 He's circling. He's circling back to attack. 284 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:53,320 Couple of elephants? 285 00:15:58,199 --> 00:15:59,199 Oh, bossy horses. 286 00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:04,440 Oh, something with them. They must be poorly. 287 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,840 Oh, that one's getting a free ride. Get down and walk like the rest of them. 288 00:16:09,700 --> 00:16:11,360 Oh, signs in the wild. 289 00:16:12,860 --> 00:16:13,860 It's coming near the car. 290 00:16:14,260 --> 00:16:15,260 It's coming near the car! 291 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:18,080 You're all right, Michael. You sound highly stressed. 292 00:16:19,340 --> 00:16:20,540 No, I'm fine. 293 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:23,400 Let's just get through this quickly, Cam. 294 00:16:28,050 --> 00:16:29,390 John, are you smoking? 295 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:31,490 Yeah. 296 00:16:32,310 --> 00:16:34,310 Why? It's just what you said. 297 00:16:35,070 --> 00:16:39,270 Try to be more like the schoolboy. You know, crafty one behind a bike's head 298 00:16:39,270 --> 00:16:41,570 sort of thing. You're in the back seat of a car. 299 00:16:42,230 --> 00:16:43,630 You're supposed to be with your parents. 300 00:16:44,270 --> 00:16:45,790 Oh, yeah, I suppose so. 301 00:16:46,630 --> 00:16:47,750 Sorry, I'll get rid of it. 302 00:16:56,940 --> 00:16:58,920 The lions, they're my favourite. 303 00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:01,440 Why do you like lions so much, Arthur? 304 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:04,960 I don't, Eggie. I can't stand them. I find them arrogant. 305 00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:09,140 But they're not so high and mighty now, are they? Eh? 306 00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:13,720 They're safe here in the car, and they're out there thinking about how 307 00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:15,319 they'd love to come and eat us. 308 00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:18,119 Dream on, you bloody idiots! 309 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:23,359 Oh, by the way, sorry again for forgetting to take you out of the boot 310 00:17:23,359 --> 00:17:26,079 entrance. Oh, don't worry about it, Arthur. 311 00:17:26,569 --> 00:17:27,569 It happens. 312 00:17:27,790 --> 00:17:30,210 Too late to do anything about it now, anyway. 313 00:17:33,130 --> 00:17:35,790 John, I thought you were told to put that cigarette out. 314 00:17:36,010 --> 00:17:38,730 I did ask that. The floor's on fire. 315 00:17:38,970 --> 00:17:41,970 Oh, the cigarette's set and the newspaper's on fire. 316 00:17:42,270 --> 00:17:43,350 Why didn't you throw it out the window? 317 00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:46,330 You're not supposed to have the windows open in a safari park. 318 00:17:46,670 --> 00:17:47,930 All right, everybody out! 319 00:18:02,990 --> 00:18:04,650 They're looking over. We have to get back inside. 320 00:18:04,990 --> 00:18:07,370 But what about the fire? What about the lions? 321 00:18:08,250 --> 00:18:11,330 Lions, fire, lions, fire. It's a dilemma. 322 00:18:11,830 --> 00:18:15,730 What does everyone else think? They can't debate it. Come on, John, you must 323 00:18:15,730 --> 00:18:16,669 have an opinion. 324 00:18:16,670 --> 00:18:17,950 Pissed off my food, Arthur. 325 00:18:18,190 --> 00:18:19,810 Who votes for getting back in the car? 326 00:18:20,410 --> 00:18:21,410 Time. 327 00:18:22,330 --> 00:18:24,590 On balance, I think we should get back in the car. 328 00:18:24,790 --> 00:18:25,790 Get back in the car. 329 00:18:26,670 --> 00:18:28,450 OK, OK, they're getting back. 330 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:41,700 There's too much fire in the car. Everyone try and look a bit less like 331 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,300 Oh, God, what are we going to do? 332 00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:45,780 Eggie, how are you doing? 333 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:48,760 I'm not too bad, Arthur. Are we home yet? 334 00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:50,640 Not quite. 335 00:18:52,060 --> 00:18:54,980 You have a bit of a decision to make, Eggie. 336 00:18:56,140 --> 00:18:59,640 There's fire in the car, but there's lions out here. 337 00:19:00,100 --> 00:19:04,400 Given those circumstances, do you want to get out of the boot? 338 00:19:05,020 --> 00:19:06,020 I'll tell you what. 339 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,720 Let me out and I'll have a look at the situation. 340 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:10,440 Oh, 341 00:19:19,820 --> 00:19:23,800 yeah, 342 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:29,720 I see what you mean. 343 00:19:30,740 --> 00:19:33,440 All right, look, we're going to have to make a run for it. What? 344 00:19:34,020 --> 00:19:37,630 When I count to three, we all scatter in different... directions. Hopefully the 345 00:19:37,630 --> 00:19:40,930 lions will become confused and not know who to pick to eat. Ready? 346 00:19:41,170 --> 00:19:42,170 Fire away. 347 00:19:42,190 --> 00:19:43,670 Ready. Are we going to do this? 348 00:19:44,550 --> 00:19:49,110 Are we really going to do this? One, two, three. Oh, no, look, the fire's 349 00:19:49,110 --> 00:19:50,110 out. Back in the car. 350 00:19:51,530 --> 00:19:52,530 The little boys! 351 00:19:52,850 --> 00:19:53,850 The little boys! 352 00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:55,710 Run! Run! 353 00:19:57,710 --> 00:19:59,590 What about John? 354 00:20:00,590 --> 00:20:01,590 Oh, it's all right. 355 00:20:01,790 --> 00:20:03,210 Look, they're not bothered. 356 00:20:06,510 --> 00:20:08,970 I want to go home. But what about the alligator? Now! 357 00:20:09,530 --> 00:20:10,770 We have to pick up John. 358 00:20:11,070 --> 00:20:13,110 Yes, of course pick up John, but then we go home. 359 00:20:13,530 --> 00:20:16,110 But what about... Arthur, you nearly killed us. I want to go home. 360 00:20:16,670 --> 00:20:18,750 Well, if that's the way you feel about it. 361 00:20:53,390 --> 00:20:54,390 Oh, that's nothing. 362 00:20:54,690 --> 00:20:57,510 Actually, how about we get up and stretch our legs? 363 00:20:57,750 --> 00:20:58,850 No, I want to go home. 364 00:20:59,490 --> 00:21:01,470 Just let's stretch our legs for a minute. 365 00:21:04,090 --> 00:21:05,710 The car's broken down again, hasn't it? 366 00:21:06,650 --> 00:21:07,650 No. 367 00:21:12,830 --> 00:21:14,850 Oh, broken down, you said. 368 00:21:15,130 --> 00:21:19,210 Yes, it probably has broken down, is what I meant to say. Get the AA. 369 00:21:19,830 --> 00:21:21,550 The car's not with the AA. 370 00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:23,120 It's with the AAA. 371 00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:24,980 They're a little cheaper. 372 00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:28,320 But they promise to be out within 24 hours. 373 00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:31,120 24 hours? That is easy. 374 00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:35,040 Ah! 375 00:21:36,660 --> 00:21:38,420 No, no, what's got you so upset? 376 00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:40,600 We had a nice time, haven't we? 377 00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:45,440 No! No, we have not had a nice time, Arthur. You nearly killed us. 378 00:21:46,100 --> 00:21:48,340 You nearly killed us, Arthur. And you know why? 379 00:21:48,700 --> 00:21:50,140 Because you cut corners. 380 00:21:50,860 --> 00:21:54,190 You cut so many... corners that you are literally putting lives at risk. 381 00:21:54,590 --> 00:21:57,410 Well, maybe we can... What? What, Harper? 382 00:21:57,990 --> 00:22:01,850 We are miles from anywhere, you're a member of something called the AAA, it 383 00:22:01,850 --> 00:22:04,150 pouring with rain, and now my phone has run out. 384 00:22:04,610 --> 00:22:05,950 What do you suggest we do? 385 00:22:07,350 --> 00:22:09,450 I'll go and see if I can find some help. 386 00:22:11,310 --> 00:22:12,570 Can I get out now? 387 00:22:17,330 --> 00:22:19,170 Come on, everyone, let's have a sing song. 388 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:25,400 I could be home. 389 00:22:25,420 --> 00:22:26,580 Nice food, bottle of wine. 390 00:22:31,020 --> 00:22:32,020 Instead, I'm here. 391 00:22:32,540 --> 00:22:33,960 Ha -ha. That's true enough. 392 00:22:34,180 --> 00:22:35,200 You're definitely here. 393 00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:38,560 How do you do it, Birdie? How do I do what? 394 00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:40,560 You're always so cheerful. 395 00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:43,660 Why wouldn't I be cheerful? I'm having a brilliant time. 396 00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:48,200 How? 397 00:22:48,500 --> 00:22:50,800 Have you ever thought I'd go to a safari park? 398 00:22:51,020 --> 00:22:52,020 Something like that? 399 00:22:52,490 --> 00:22:55,530 It wasn't until I met Arthur that things like that started happening to me. 400 00:22:56,110 --> 00:23:00,670 I get a bit low sometimes, you know, but, like, you know, there's some lovely 401 00:23:00,670 --> 00:23:04,350 people there, but being at the shelter, you know, you get the blues sometimes, 402 00:23:04,570 --> 00:23:05,569 you know, that way. 403 00:23:05,570 --> 00:23:08,290 It's just nice to get away from it all for a while, you know. 404 00:23:09,050 --> 00:23:11,970 Better to look at a lion for the day than sheep for the rest of your life. 405 00:23:17,170 --> 00:23:18,590 Oh, look, here comes Arthur. 406 00:23:21,830 --> 00:23:23,250 Spotted a cafe over that way. 407 00:23:23,730 --> 00:23:25,830 We'll have to get going, though. It's a long walk. 408 00:23:26,030 --> 00:23:27,030 Arthur. 409 00:23:27,910 --> 00:23:31,530 Can I just say I'm sorry for shouting... Oh, no, no, no, no. You were right. 410 00:23:32,090 --> 00:23:36,410 I wanted to give you a special name, but I cut so many corners, I've just ruined 411 00:23:36,410 --> 00:23:39,730 it. Just like when it was Eggie's birthday and we all nearly drowned. 412 00:23:39,970 --> 00:23:43,050 Or John's birthday and we all nearly drowned. 413 00:23:43,810 --> 00:23:45,350 I just can't do anything right. 414 00:23:45,930 --> 00:23:46,930 I'm cheap. 415 00:23:46,990 --> 00:23:49,570 I mean, who else carries a box of vouchers around? 416 00:23:51,110 --> 00:23:52,710 Vultures? Hang on. 417 00:23:53,510 --> 00:23:54,510 Birdie? 418 00:23:54,830 --> 00:23:56,710 Have you got that I gave you from Aunt Thomas? 419 00:23:57,050 --> 00:23:58,050 I do, Arthur. 420 00:23:59,930 --> 00:24:01,830 They're lovely stockers, but they're not really my style. 421 00:24:02,250 --> 00:24:05,230 Brilliant. Eggie, when I give you the thumbs up, try the engine. 422 00:24:06,290 --> 00:24:10,170 Oh, Arthur, you're... You're not going to use it as a fan belt, are you? 423 00:24:11,510 --> 00:24:13,730 I think that only works in filled... It's working! 424 00:24:13,970 --> 00:24:14,970 It's working! 425 00:24:16,570 --> 00:24:19,030 Quick, get back in before it changes. It's mine. 426 00:24:20,650 --> 00:24:22,450 Should get us as far as that cafe. 427 00:24:25,070 --> 00:24:28,390 Happy birthday to Michael. 428 00:24:29,270 --> 00:24:32,410 Happy birthday to you. 429 00:24:35,690 --> 00:24:36,890 I'll be mum. 430 00:24:38,010 --> 00:24:42,610 I remember when I first met Michael. 431 00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:51,160 Enough of my stories. 432 00:24:51,740 --> 00:24:56,520 Let's all raise a glass to the man who's become a fixture in all our lives, like 433 00:24:56,520 --> 00:24:59,660 a spoon or a thing for salt. 434 00:25:00,460 --> 00:25:02,400 See, that spoon's a bit dirty. 435 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:06,280 But Michael isn't. 436 00:25:06,740 --> 00:25:11,560 He's clean, like a bar of soap or a washing machine. 437 00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:15,220 Never once have I had to step in and have a word. 438 00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:16,840 To Michael! 439 00:25:17,220 --> 00:25:18,280 To Michael! 440 00:25:20,910 --> 00:25:24,990 Very much. It's the nicest roadside sausage birthday cake I've ever had. 441 00:25:25,430 --> 00:25:26,530 It's not bad, is it? 442 00:25:27,030 --> 00:25:28,110 It's very dense. 443 00:25:28,430 --> 00:25:31,310 I get the feeling there's more than one kind of meat in here. 444 00:25:31,610 --> 00:25:32,890 I like that in the sausage. 445 00:25:33,130 --> 00:25:34,850 There's a lot going on. 446 00:25:35,250 --> 00:25:38,550 Seriously, though, Michael, it's been a pleasure knowing you these last few 447 00:25:38,550 --> 00:25:40,130 years. I'll second that. 448 00:25:42,150 --> 00:25:43,230 I don't really know you. 449 00:25:43,950 --> 00:25:47,790 You do anything for anyone. You haven't got a selfish bone in your body. 450 00:25:48,030 --> 00:25:50,090 Very true, Eggie. We could learn a lot from Michael. 451 00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:52,960 Are you finishing that? 452 00:25:53,700 --> 00:25:54,700 Do you want it? 453 00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:57,400 Well, but if you're not having it... It's all yours. 454 00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:00,560 Want to get another round in? 455 00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:03,380 Oh, thanks, Iggy, but just still working on this one. 456 00:26:04,780 --> 00:26:08,100 Actually, I've had a lot of fun, so thank you, guys. 457 00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:11,220 Oh, just a shame you won't be back in time for Seenham. 458 00:26:11,660 --> 00:26:13,380 I wouldn't be too sure about that. 459 00:26:14,820 --> 00:26:15,579 What's this? 460 00:26:15,580 --> 00:26:18,140 I got you one of those motorcycle shuttle services. 461 00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:22,380 This bloke will whiz you through the traffic, get you back in time for your 462 00:26:22,380 --> 00:26:25,020 night. Oh, Arthur, that's so kind. 463 00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:29,820 Must have cost you a few quid. You don't need to say anything. Just go. 464 00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:31,920 OK, lead the way. 465 00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:35,880 Thank you, guys. 466 00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:37,160 Bye, Michael. 467 00:26:38,620 --> 00:26:42,740 And you didn't even need to use a voucher. Oh, no, I used a voucher. 468 00:26:51,500 --> 00:26:52,500 What's wrong with the helmet? 469 00:26:52,740 --> 00:26:54,640 Oh, the visibility's very poor. 470 00:26:55,780 --> 00:26:58,660 You do know you're not actually looking at me right now, don't you? 471 00:26:59,140 --> 00:27:00,140 Oh, sorry. 472 00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:03,480 You're not looking at me. 473 00:27:04,500 --> 00:27:08,500 Sorry, this may seem like a silly question, but... Can you see? 474 00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:11,560 I can see most things. 475 00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:25,460 We'd better start if we walk him back. 476 00:27:25,700 --> 00:27:26,700 Oh, no. 477 00:27:26,740 --> 00:27:27,940 I got us a taxi. 478 00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:33,000 Oh, what a lovely day. 479 00:27:33,380 --> 00:27:34,740 And no -one drowned. 480 00:27:36,980 --> 00:27:38,340 Oh, my God. 481 00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:40,620 Yeah, yeah, it's quite a day. 482 00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:42,380 Are you all right? 483 00:27:42,820 --> 00:27:46,300 Oh, you know, water off a duck's back. 484 00:28:00,430 --> 00:28:04,670 Join BBC Two now at the Royal Albert Hall as the first night of the proms 485 00:28:04,670 --> 00:28:08,830 concludes with Harmonium. Next here, it's Britain's Got the Pop Factor and 486 00:28:08,830 --> 00:28:13,890 possibly a new celebrity Jesus Christ soap star superstar strictly on ice, 487 00:28:13,890 --> 00:28:15,190 Kay's Comedy Shovel. 35010

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