All language subtitles for Count Arthur Strong s03e02 Arthur the Hat

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:15,679 --> 00:00:17,160 These. This. 2 00:00:17,620 --> 00:00:21,660 Thank you, Michael. Oh, please, it's a joy receiving 15 letters a day addressed 3 00:00:21,660 --> 00:00:26,580 to Arthur Strong Solutions, Arthur Strong Industries, and Google. 4 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:28,160 What's Google? 5 00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:33,300 It's a postal service wherein people send me questions and I search for 6 00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:36,760 among my extensive files. I charge a small fee. 7 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:40,800 Oh, I see, so it's like Google, but very inconvenient and actually costs money. 8 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:42,080 That's the idea. 9 00:00:42,330 --> 00:00:46,550 Why, boogle. Oh, that's the clever thing. Comes first in the phone book. 10 00:00:47,350 --> 00:00:49,110 I'm always one step ahead of me. 11 00:00:49,530 --> 00:00:50,530 Here. 12 00:00:51,530 --> 00:00:52,670 There's no need for that. 13 00:00:53,130 --> 00:00:54,810 It's not ideal for me either. 14 00:00:55,290 --> 00:00:57,750 I'm the one that's had to have his letter book sealed up. 15 00:00:58,070 --> 00:01:01,670 Why do you have to do that, Arthur? It's private, Eggie. I'd rather not discuss 16 00:01:01,670 --> 00:01:03,890 it. I mean, what is going on here? 17 00:01:04,209 --> 00:01:08,740 Oh, that's a fruit postal service I set up a subscription to. Can you... You 18 00:01:08,740 --> 00:01:13,080 believe this banana made it from the other side of the world in just five 19 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:17,000 So every time you fancy a banana, you just have to wait five weeks until it 20 00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:18,180 plopped through your letterbox. 21 00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:20,160 Gosh, the modern world. 22 00:01:20,420 --> 00:01:21,219 Good, isn't it? 23 00:01:21,220 --> 00:01:23,380 No. No, it's not, is it? 24 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:28,240 Can't work out how to cancel it. Oh, Bulat, my good fellow, how about a cup 25 00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:31,640 tea on the house for all my years of dedicated custom? 26 00:01:31,860 --> 00:01:32,860 This is a business. 27 00:01:32,980 --> 00:01:35,120 I run a cafe. This is a cafe. 28 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:39,400 All right. Go on about it. Dedicated custom. You do nothing for this cafe. 29 00:01:39,660 --> 00:01:43,000 You use it like an office. You bring your own food. You spend as little as 30 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:44,000 possible. 31 00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:45,820 What the hell? 32 00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:48,340 You're having food posted now? 33 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:50,700 This can't be better than my prices. 34 00:01:51,220 --> 00:01:55,220 Oh, God. 35 00:01:55,580 --> 00:01:56,640 What is this now? 36 00:01:56,900 --> 00:01:58,720 It's all a set of encyclopedias. 37 00:02:00,060 --> 00:02:01,100 It's a theory, Thomas. 38 00:02:01,540 --> 00:02:02,540 Close enough. 39 00:02:02,830 --> 00:02:04,550 Oh, my goodness, this is such an honour. 40 00:02:04,830 --> 00:02:07,570 Oh, calm down, Meryl Streep. It's not an Oscar. 41 00:02:08,389 --> 00:02:10,910 No, but it's a sacred crust. 42 00:02:11,110 --> 00:02:12,970 It's one of the cornerstones of our democracy. 43 00:02:13,450 --> 00:02:15,010 I've always been able to get out of it. 44 00:02:15,290 --> 00:02:19,270 Last time I was up for it, I managed to convince the judge I was some sort of 45 00:02:19,270 --> 00:02:20,830 unstable lunatic. 46 00:02:27,630 --> 00:02:30,230 Come now, Bulunt, a single cup of tea. 47 00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:34,070 Michael will pay you for it when he gets back from wherever he is. Birdie, 48 00:02:34,090 --> 00:02:35,029 where's Michael gone? 49 00:02:35,030 --> 00:02:36,009 Jury service. 50 00:02:36,010 --> 00:02:38,590 God, Arthur, every few minutes you have to be told again. 51 00:02:39,050 --> 00:02:42,210 After all I've done for this cafe. What do you do for this cafe? 52 00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:43,710 I'm your local colour. 53 00:02:44,570 --> 00:02:46,450 I'm why the tourists come in. 54 00:02:47,650 --> 00:02:49,550 You are a tourist repellent. 55 00:02:51,010 --> 00:02:53,850 The last time there was a tourist here, you thought he was picking a fight. 56 00:02:54,050 --> 00:02:56,530 He kept spitting at me. He was Dutch. 57 00:02:59,950 --> 00:03:02,910 Yes, hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it? Isn't it, Michael? 58 00:03:03,170 --> 00:03:04,610 Where's Michael gone? Bernie! 59 00:03:04,890 --> 00:03:05,890 Oh! 60 00:03:06,910 --> 00:03:07,728 Afternoon all. 61 00:03:07,730 --> 00:03:08,790 Oh, thank God! 62 00:03:09,130 --> 00:03:10,610 There he is, Postman Pat. 63 00:03:11,390 --> 00:03:14,130 Don't start calling me Postman Pat. I'm doing you a favour. 64 00:03:14,490 --> 00:03:16,270 You still haven't told us, Arthur. 65 00:03:16,490 --> 00:03:18,470 Why did you have to seal up your letterbox? 66 00:03:18,870 --> 00:03:22,530 Well, Eggie, if you must know, I caught a dog watching me through it when I was 67 00:03:22,530 --> 00:03:23,530 in my underpants. 68 00:03:25,570 --> 00:03:28,650 Remember the good old days, Arthur, when you could just leave your front door 69 00:03:28,650 --> 00:03:31,390 open? These days, it's just perverted dogs. 70 00:03:33,030 --> 00:03:35,310 I had me Kevins on. Maybe that was it. 71 00:03:36,230 --> 00:03:37,970 Kevins? Kevin Clines. 72 00:03:40,010 --> 00:03:43,270 Their underpants, which I'm told, are quite fashionable. 73 00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:50,100 You were Calvin Klein's? Kevin, Michael, Kevin Klein's. They wouldn't do Calvin 74 00:03:50,100 --> 00:03:51,100 Klein's at the market. 75 00:03:51,780 --> 00:03:56,740 About a week ago, I bought three dozen pairs, along with a Carol Lagerfeld coat 76 00:03:56,740 --> 00:04:00,080 and a hat designed by Victor Beckham. 77 00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:03,160 Can I get your opinion? 78 00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:06,640 Do you think this jumper says, I respect the law? 79 00:04:08,140 --> 00:04:09,200 It actually does. 80 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:13,160 Michael, you're doing a good thing, but you need to calm down a bit. 81 00:04:13,660 --> 00:04:14,660 Just excited. 82 00:04:15,140 --> 00:04:16,899 You can see the courtroom. It's very intimidating. 83 00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:20,040 And have you seen a judge up close? They're much bigger than you think. 84 00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:21,320 Oh. 85 00:04:21,420 --> 00:04:22,880 No, they just sit high up. 86 00:04:23,740 --> 00:04:26,380 I think the judge and I have some sort of silent rapport. 87 00:04:27,660 --> 00:04:30,760 It's like he knows I'd be a good judge if I wanted to be a judge. 88 00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:32,620 Well, I think you have to be a lawyer first. 89 00:04:33,700 --> 00:04:34,700 Oh, yeah. 90 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,240 Pay for me. Pay for me, tea. 91 00:04:41,550 --> 00:04:42,550 What's the magic word? 92 00:04:42,830 --> 00:04:43,830 Now. 93 00:04:46,170 --> 00:04:47,330 Uh, no. 94 00:04:47,630 --> 00:04:48,630 No, I don't think so. 95 00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:49,890 What? No. 96 00:04:50,270 --> 00:04:51,670 Sorry, Arthur. I'm not doing it anymore. 97 00:04:53,890 --> 00:04:56,430 How dare you withhold money from Bullard? 98 00:04:57,830 --> 00:05:00,990 If there's one thing that the last couple of days have taught me, it is 99 00:05:00,990 --> 00:05:04,770 are all part of a magical interlocking mechanism that I like to call society. 100 00:05:05,890 --> 00:05:09,950 And society only works if we are all pulling our weight. Otherwise, you're 101 00:05:09,950 --> 00:05:14,590 like... A dog peeping through a letterbox, trying to get something for 102 00:05:19,370 --> 00:05:23,030 Well, it appears we have reached an impasse. 103 00:05:37,470 --> 00:05:41,930 You'll find that in the early parts of this program, we'll notice that there 104 00:05:41,930 --> 00:05:43,850 some connection between... 105 00:05:43,850 --> 00:06:01,770 I'm 106 00:06:01,770 --> 00:06:06,150 going to have to live with that for the rest of my life. 107 00:06:07,130 --> 00:06:08,890 Look, he's a judge. 108 00:06:09,230 --> 00:06:13,690 You're in the jury. You're not besties. You're not peers. 109 00:06:14,170 --> 00:06:15,310 I want to kill myself. 110 00:06:15,630 --> 00:06:17,790 Oh, please don't. I can't be single again. 111 00:06:19,330 --> 00:06:20,330 Michael. 112 00:06:22,010 --> 00:06:25,310 I loved what you said yesterday about society. 113 00:06:25,850 --> 00:06:28,930 What a beautiful way of putting it. The mechanism. 114 00:06:29,150 --> 00:06:30,150 Yes. 115 00:06:30,270 --> 00:06:35,190 In contemplating it, I felt very like Professor Brian Cox does when he looks 116 00:06:35,190 --> 00:06:37,770 a dinosaur or some salt. 117 00:06:39,710 --> 00:06:44,370 I'm going to think about the bigger picture because we're all part of 118 00:06:44,370 --> 00:06:48,050 bigger. It really, really does make you think. 119 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,000 It's my phone. 120 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:04,400 Hugely annoying. 121 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:08,340 I didn't choose it. This is you messing with my settings again. 122 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,440 People think I'm about to make a speech every time I get a text. 123 00:07:12,060 --> 00:07:15,840 I didn't mean to do that. I was just trying to sort out your sodding 124 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:19,120 Radiating chimes. You should be ashamed of yourself. 125 00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:21,640 Just leave my phone alone. 126 00:07:21,980 --> 00:07:23,800 I can't connect to the internet anymore. 127 00:07:24,100 --> 00:07:26,300 Last night I was woken up by a U2 album. 128 00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:30,039 Passcode, anyway. 129 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:33,900 Guessing 4 -3 -2 -1 does not make me a criminal, Master Chief. 130 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:39,620 Would it be a bad time to ask for my post? 131 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:48,200 I am not making a speech. 132 00:07:49,540 --> 00:07:51,300 Oh, here, Michael, this is one of yours. 133 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,560 Oh, no, leave it, Eggie. I'll give it to him later on. 134 00:07:54,780 --> 00:07:57,080 I see you've got your tea privileges reinstated. 135 00:07:57,340 --> 00:08:01,680 Oh, Michael, he always comes good in the end. There's nothing he wouldn't do for 136 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:02,680 me. Oh, 137 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:04,440 what was that? 138 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:06,000 Oh, are you all right, Arthur? 139 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:10,180 Oh, I've got a funny warm feeling in my stomach. 140 00:08:10,860 --> 00:08:13,420 Somehow it seems to be connected with Michael. 141 00:08:14,190 --> 00:08:17,330 I know what that is. That's an emotion called gratitude, Arthur. 142 00:08:17,710 --> 00:08:19,770 And most humans would have that. 143 00:08:20,090 --> 00:08:23,170 Oh, it's lovely. 144 00:08:25,990 --> 00:08:29,790 It reminds me of when I was trying to get Michael to get me a cup of tea when 145 00:08:29,790 --> 00:08:31,270 was banging on about Brian Cox. 146 00:08:31,990 --> 00:08:33,429 It's that sort of feeling. 147 00:08:33,630 --> 00:08:35,970 I'd call it a Brian Cox rush. 148 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:42,640 sense back there, even if you were just trying to get a cup of tea out of him. 149 00:08:42,980 --> 00:08:48,320 Now I'm getting a sort of horrible opposite feeling, like someone has 150 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:49,860 salt on Brian Cox. 151 00:08:51,180 --> 00:08:52,340 That's called guilt. 152 00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:58,840 How do I get rid of the salty Brian Cox feeling and get the dinosaur one back? 153 00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:01,660 Maybe you could do something nice for Michael. 154 00:09:01,940 --> 00:09:02,940 I see. 155 00:09:03,140 --> 00:09:07,120 You could pay him a visit at the courtroom and give him a boost. 156 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:08,360 Great idea. 157 00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:11,300 Now, Arthur, he won't want that. 158 00:09:11,580 --> 00:09:13,440 Oh, come on, Eggie, don't be so selfish. 159 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:17,980 What could make him happier than looking up and seeing a row of friendly faces? 160 00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:21,600 Now you put it like that. 161 00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:25,620 Yeah, and that's why they have seats, you know, so everyone can go and cheer. 162 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:27,980 Oh, it'd be like going to the films for free. 163 00:09:29,020 --> 00:09:31,340 We'd only have to pay for ice creams and drinks. 164 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:33,209 I'm in. 165 00:09:33,210 --> 00:09:36,610 What about you, John? Are you coming? There might be a juicy case on, like a 166 00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:39,090 murder, or maybe they've caught a witch. 167 00:09:40,770 --> 00:09:41,770 Better not, Arthur. 168 00:09:42,150 --> 00:09:43,150 Why not, John? 169 00:09:43,290 --> 00:09:49,410 Well, Birdie, in my youth, I fell in with a lot of bad apples, and I wouldn't 170 00:09:49,410 --> 00:09:52,070 want them to see me in a courthouse and think that I turned grass. 171 00:09:53,290 --> 00:09:55,390 Oh, John, what are the chances of that happening? 172 00:09:55,610 --> 00:09:58,990 If you're not in a firm and you're sitting in a courthouse... 173 00:09:59,660 --> 00:10:01,560 This is not a very good look, Arthur. 174 00:10:01,780 --> 00:10:05,600 Oh, come on. Stop thinking about yourself, John. We're all part of 175 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:10,000 bigger. Let's go and make this an unforgettable day for Michael. 176 00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:14,380 This'll be the one. 177 00:10:14,580 --> 00:10:16,480 Are you sure this is the right courthouse? 178 00:10:16,740 --> 00:10:18,400 I am, Birdie. It'll be in this one. 179 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:20,980 Oh, look. The circus is in town. 180 00:10:21,260 --> 00:10:25,160 Oh, this feels good, doesn't it? I feel a warm glow. 181 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:28,080 You're doing something nice for someone, Arthur. 182 00:10:28,300 --> 00:10:29,610 That's... That's the feeling you get. 183 00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:30,830 Is it? 184 00:10:35,970 --> 00:10:38,090 Look, there's Michael. 185 00:10:39,550 --> 00:10:40,630 There you are. 186 00:10:42,170 --> 00:10:43,550 Good luck, Michael. 187 00:10:43,990 --> 00:10:45,530 With you on the way, Michael. 188 00:10:46,090 --> 00:10:48,670 Could I have silence in my courtroom, please? 189 00:10:50,370 --> 00:10:54,550 Oh, look, it's the accused. 190 00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,260 a minute, Birdie. We don't know if he's guilty or not yet. 191 00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:02,400 Yay! 192 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:03,720 Good luck, son. 193 00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:05,700 Right. Right, who said that? 194 00:11:06,340 --> 00:11:07,580 Who's making all that noise? 195 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:14,020 That's the gentleman in the raincoat. Can I have him removed, please? 196 00:11:15,140 --> 00:11:16,140 Me? Why? 197 00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:17,300 I haven't done anything. 198 00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:25,560 What are you doing? 199 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,520 We just wanted to give you a bit of support. 200 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:29,160 a football match. 201 00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:31,220 All right, all right, we're going. 202 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:35,340 Oh, here, there was one for you in that pile of post. You must have got it mixed 203 00:11:35,340 --> 00:11:36,339 up. 204 00:11:36,340 --> 00:11:37,340 OK, give it to me. 205 00:11:37,420 --> 00:11:38,420 You got it here somewhere. 206 00:11:39,620 --> 00:11:40,620 Hello, John. 207 00:11:42,260 --> 00:11:43,260 Hello. 208 00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:44,900 What brings you here today? 209 00:11:45,300 --> 00:11:46,440 You been a naughty boy? 210 00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:49,840 No, no, it's just... What's going on with you? 211 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:51,120 Well, they brought Big Frank in. 212 00:11:51,460 --> 00:11:52,359 Big Frank? 213 00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:53,440 I didn't know he was out. 214 00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:55,080 Yeah, they got him for GBH. 215 00:11:56,100 --> 00:11:57,720 Somehow they got a witness to appear. 216 00:11:58,110 --> 00:12:00,690 You know, had him here on a three, did something with his voice, he couldn't 217 00:12:00,690 --> 00:12:01,589 recognise him. 218 00:12:01,590 --> 00:12:02,429 Oh, yeah? 219 00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:04,470 Yeah. Would you say you're here for again? 220 00:12:04,990 --> 00:12:05,989 Hello, John. 221 00:12:05,990 --> 00:12:06,990 Hello, Tom. 222 00:12:07,150 --> 00:12:08,310 What are you doing here, then? 223 00:12:08,530 --> 00:12:11,370 Well, that's what I've been asking him. Didn't expect to see you here. Well, 224 00:12:11,390 --> 00:12:12,390 that's what I've been thinking. 225 00:12:12,650 --> 00:12:13,710 Oh, you haven't turned grass? 226 00:12:14,470 --> 00:12:15,470 Yeah. 227 00:12:15,630 --> 00:12:16,730 You know me, boys. 228 00:12:17,310 --> 00:12:19,010 No, I'm looking for another outfit now. 229 00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:20,530 Oh, yeah? 230 00:12:21,150 --> 00:12:22,150 Who's running it? 231 00:12:24,130 --> 00:12:25,130 Arthur Lack. 232 00:12:25,890 --> 00:12:26,890 That's him over there. 233 00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:38,680 You're only eight, John. 234 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:40,960 Yeah. 235 00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:42,720 Good to see you, boys. 236 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:45,580 See you later. 237 00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:50,500 Let's see where he's off to. 238 00:12:57,980 --> 00:12:58,980 Hello, Steph. 239 00:12:59,180 --> 00:13:00,180 Can you get me CID? 240 00:13:00,700 --> 00:13:01,940 They might want to have a look at this. 241 00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:07,920 Do you believe him? Well, I don't think he's a grass, Mr Duncan. 242 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,780 Though he did join another firm. 243 00:13:11,140 --> 00:13:12,420 What did he say his name was again? 244 00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:14,760 Arthur the Act. Arthur the Act. 245 00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:17,680 Never heard of him. 246 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,660 Well, he's some sort of operator. 247 00:13:20,980 --> 00:13:21,980 Yeah. 248 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:23,600 Got good luck at him. 249 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:26,040 Oiling up a juror from another trial. 250 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:29,040 I'm a little insulted. 251 00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:36,200 John told me he was going straight, and now here you are telling me he's got a 252 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:37,200 new best friend. 253 00:13:38,540 --> 00:13:40,500 I thought I was his best friend. 254 00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:44,940 Well, with respect, Mr. Danton, looks like things have changed. 255 00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:47,080 Have they now? 256 00:13:53,020 --> 00:13:54,020 Yes. 257 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:07,680 Give Dr. Tedder. 258 00:14:39,410 --> 00:14:43,610 Perhaps I should give some explanation about what has just transpired. 259 00:14:44,270 --> 00:14:49,290 There are three conditions by which a charge like this may be considered 260 00:14:49,290 --> 00:14:50,290 successful. 261 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,610 First condition... Ringtone. 262 00:14:52,830 --> 00:14:53,970 Under ringtone. 263 00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:56,790 You shouldn't be messing with his phone, Arthur. 264 00:14:57,090 --> 00:14:58,750 Bloody radiated chimes. 265 00:14:59,210 --> 00:15:00,770 But that's not highlighted. 266 00:15:01,090 --> 00:15:03,130 Record your own is highlighted. 267 00:15:03,610 --> 00:15:07,290 Here comes Michael. I'll take it into the toilet and fix it in there. 268 00:15:11,820 --> 00:15:13,000 Might as well make the best of it. 269 00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:15,900 Oh, lovely warm seat. 270 00:15:16,380 --> 00:15:18,080 Someone must have just left it. 271 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:24,780 Actually, this feels like it's going to be a painful one. 272 00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:27,520 I'm going to hold on to the side. 273 00:15:34,060 --> 00:15:35,060 Here you go, Eggie. 274 00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:36,159 What's this? 275 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,500 It's a list of tools I'm hoping to get a lend on. 276 00:15:38,910 --> 00:15:41,410 I'm removing a tree from her next door's garden. 277 00:15:41,730 --> 00:15:45,550 Oh, I tell you what, Eggie, I can't get enough of being lovely to people. 278 00:15:45,810 --> 00:15:48,050 I'm getting a massive buzz off of it. 279 00:15:49,030 --> 00:15:50,510 Use a toothpick, will you? 280 00:15:52,350 --> 00:15:53,350 What's this say? 281 00:15:53,430 --> 00:15:55,650 Tramps. Tramps. Bin bags. 282 00:15:55,910 --> 00:15:56,910 Can't you read? 283 00:15:57,450 --> 00:15:58,450 Squadron. 284 00:15:58,810 --> 00:15:59,810 Handsaw. 285 00:16:00,290 --> 00:16:01,450 Pending. Shovel. 286 00:16:02,730 --> 00:16:04,270 It's your writing, Arthur. 287 00:16:04,590 --> 00:16:06,190 Oh, I'll just tell you. You write it down. 288 00:16:07,630 --> 00:16:08,630 You're right. 289 00:16:10,030 --> 00:16:11,930 It's just something gone down the wrong way. 290 00:16:12,590 --> 00:16:13,590 I'll be all right. 291 00:16:16,070 --> 00:16:17,029 Mm -hmm. 292 00:16:17,030 --> 00:16:18,030 What is it? 293 00:16:18,750 --> 00:16:19,910 These guys are no good. 294 00:16:20,210 --> 00:16:21,910 Look, like they own the place. 295 00:16:22,270 --> 00:16:23,270 Can I help you? 296 00:16:23,730 --> 00:16:26,670 Might as well do some business while we're here. Yeah, actually. 297 00:16:27,310 --> 00:16:28,310 Oh. 298 00:16:29,030 --> 00:16:30,030 Hello, darling. 299 00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:37,250 Some instructor is funny. 300 00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,450 I said, can I help you? 301 00:16:39,770 --> 00:16:43,350 Yeah. Well, we're doing a neighbourhood watch scheme. You know, keeping an eye 302 00:16:43,350 --> 00:16:44,870 on some of the businesses in the area. 303 00:16:45,250 --> 00:16:48,230 Thought you might like to contribute a small amount to cover our expenses. 304 00:16:48,890 --> 00:16:50,530 Right. We'll need an axe. 305 00:16:51,090 --> 00:16:52,090 Axe? 306 00:16:52,890 --> 00:16:55,230 Biggest one they've got. One you can really get hold of. 307 00:16:55,970 --> 00:16:57,470 Yeah, yeah. I've got you. 308 00:16:57,930 --> 00:17:00,990 Are you sure, mate? I mean, it's not much money, for peace of mind. 309 00:17:01,310 --> 00:17:02,310 I think we're OK. 310 00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:04,290 Mate. 311 00:17:04,609 --> 00:17:05,609 Good sharp saw. 312 00:17:06,030 --> 00:17:07,030 OK. 313 00:17:07,849 --> 00:17:11,950 What's that for? We can't get rid of it all at once. We have to saw the limbs 314 00:17:11,950 --> 00:17:13,470 off, bring it all up in pieces. 315 00:17:14,390 --> 00:17:16,130 I like the way you're thinking. 316 00:17:17,030 --> 00:17:19,710 Oh, bin bags. We don't want to leave any mess. 317 00:17:20,010 --> 00:17:22,829 Yeah, yeah. I've done this before, Arthur. 318 00:17:24,530 --> 00:17:25,530 Run. 319 00:17:25,790 --> 00:17:26,790 What? 320 00:17:29,430 --> 00:17:33,330 You know those guys? 321 00:17:33,570 --> 00:17:34,489 What guys? 322 00:17:34,490 --> 00:17:36,650 Oh, when I want to get her a little present. 323 00:17:37,710 --> 00:17:40,150 How about some lovely chrysanthemums? 324 00:17:41,430 --> 00:17:42,990 Will you have a drink? 325 00:17:45,750 --> 00:17:47,310 He's the real deal, Mr Duncan. 326 00:17:48,510 --> 00:17:49,510 Is he now? 327 00:17:54,830 --> 00:17:55,830 Yes. 328 00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:00,610 I want to meet him. 329 00:18:01,350 --> 00:18:02,590 See what he's made of. 330 00:18:03,230 --> 00:18:04,230 Bring him over. 331 00:18:04,370 --> 00:18:05,630 And what if he says no? 332 00:18:07,050 --> 00:18:08,530 Take young Bobby with you. 333 00:18:09,410 --> 00:18:11,670 But, Mr Duncan, this is me new suit. 334 00:18:11,930 --> 00:18:13,170 Can I at least go home and change? 335 00:18:13,470 --> 00:18:14,730 No, leave it on. 336 00:18:15,430 --> 00:18:18,490 I'll encourage you not to lose the head too much. 337 00:18:19,590 --> 00:18:20,590 We'll see. 338 00:18:22,210 --> 00:18:23,210 Come on, boys. 339 00:18:23,490 --> 00:18:23,930 There 340 00:18:23,930 --> 00:18:31,290 it 341 00:18:31,290 --> 00:18:32,129 is. 342 00:18:32,130 --> 00:18:33,130 Silly boy. 343 00:18:33,970 --> 00:18:35,070 Yeah, we got one. 344 00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:39,360 Eggie, I've got something for you. 345 00:18:43,220 --> 00:18:46,140 Do you want this? 346 00:18:46,420 --> 00:18:48,800 Your fly rod? But that's your favourite, Arthur. 347 00:18:49,140 --> 00:18:53,400 Oh, no. I can't help myself, Eggie. Arthur, you've got to face it. You're 348 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:56,160 addicted to feeling like Brian Cox when he looks at things. 349 00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:57,239 You're right. 350 00:18:57,240 --> 00:18:59,480 I'm chasing that Brian Cox feeling. 351 00:18:59,860 --> 00:19:03,200 Helping old ladies across the street just doesn't do it for me anymore. 352 00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:05,560 Everyone's talking about how you've changed. 353 00:19:06,140 --> 00:19:10,280 I'm worried about you, Arthur. I can handle it, Eggie. I can quit any time I 354 00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:12,800 want. Anyway, take it. Take the rod. Take it. 355 00:19:14,900 --> 00:19:17,580 No. I don't want to be a part of this. 356 00:19:21,220 --> 00:19:22,220 Which one? 357 00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:24,180 Yeah, that's him over there. 358 00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:27,280 Oi, you, Arthur. 359 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:15,140 I'm arresting you on suspicion of perverting the course of justice. You do 360 00:20:15,140 --> 00:20:17,980 have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when 361 00:20:17,980 --> 00:20:20,020 questioned something you later rely on in court. 362 00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:22,340 Anything you do say may be given in evidence. 363 00:20:22,660 --> 00:20:23,660 What? 364 00:20:24,220 --> 00:20:25,300 Sir? Come on, sir. 365 00:20:25,620 --> 00:20:26,880 Oh, my God, is this really happening? 366 00:20:28,780 --> 00:20:29,780 This is really happening. 367 00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:32,100 How is this really happening? 368 00:20:34,180 --> 00:20:35,180 This is really happening. 369 00:20:46,830 --> 00:20:47,429 That's Arthur. 370 00:20:47,430 --> 00:20:48,430 You know him, do you? 371 00:20:48,550 --> 00:20:51,150 Yes. He was just giving me my post. 372 00:20:51,590 --> 00:20:53,450 It was just a bloody pizza menu in the end. 373 00:20:53,950 --> 00:20:54,950 A pizza menu? 374 00:20:55,310 --> 00:20:56,310 In an envelope? 375 00:20:56,870 --> 00:20:57,870 Yes. 376 00:20:59,110 --> 00:21:00,370 I don't know why they do it. 377 00:21:01,070 --> 00:21:03,810 You see, Baker, we've been looking into your Mr Strong. 378 00:21:04,030 --> 00:21:07,010 It seems he's been causing some ripples in the exciting world of organised 379 00:21:07,010 --> 00:21:08,010 crime. 380 00:21:08,170 --> 00:21:09,170 Organised crime? 381 00:21:09,370 --> 00:21:10,370 Arthur? 382 00:21:11,150 --> 00:21:12,530 Arthur couldn't organise anything. 383 00:21:13,070 --> 00:21:15,270 Well, if that's the case, you won't mind doing us a little favour? 384 00:21:16,170 --> 00:21:17,830 Well, yes, yes, of course. 385 00:21:18,510 --> 00:21:22,850 Just have a little visit with your friend, ask him how his week's been, get 386 00:21:22,850 --> 00:21:23,850 gossip. 387 00:21:24,250 --> 00:21:25,250 A wire? 388 00:21:25,970 --> 00:21:28,270 You want me to wear a wire and speak to Arthur? 389 00:21:28,850 --> 00:21:30,270 Looking at seven years, otherwise. 390 00:21:31,310 --> 00:21:32,310 Seven years what? 391 00:21:32,530 --> 00:21:34,030 Well, prison. 392 00:22:17,379 --> 00:22:19,560 I am entering the cafe. 393 00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:30,140 I am sitting in the cafe. 394 00:22:36,870 --> 00:22:37,870 Michael, sit. 395 00:22:40,510 --> 00:22:41,510 Approaching target. 396 00:22:47,330 --> 00:22:48,850 So, what's been going on? 397 00:22:49,510 --> 00:22:50,510 Eh? 398 00:22:51,170 --> 00:22:55,330 Cos, um, I haven't been around a lot, have I? So whatever's happening has 399 00:22:55,330 --> 00:22:56,330 nothing to do with me. 400 00:22:56,990 --> 00:22:57,990 Whatever's going on. 401 00:22:58,090 --> 00:22:59,090 What are you all about? 402 00:22:59,570 --> 00:23:02,170 Why did you come to the court to see me, remember? 403 00:23:02,830 --> 00:23:06,730 Oh, that was just to show my appreciation for all you do for me. 404 00:23:12,370 --> 00:23:14,030 So much you do. 405 00:23:14,630 --> 00:23:16,710 Just my way of saying thank you. 406 00:23:17,750 --> 00:23:24,390 Stop it. No, no, I won't stop it. This is the new me, Michael. I'm nice now. I 407 00:23:24,390 --> 00:23:26,130 just want to be nice to everyone. 408 00:23:26,490 --> 00:23:27,490 He's on to us. 409 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:34,920 Shift. Sorry, we're in the middle of something. 410 00:23:37,060 --> 00:23:39,260 I'm going to sit over there now because I want to suddenly. 411 00:23:42,740 --> 00:23:44,100 You think you're an operator? 412 00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:47,560 Big man around town, everybody knows your name. 413 00:23:48,140 --> 00:23:50,480 Passing out favours, friend of the community. 414 00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:52,040 Is that Eddie Duncan? 415 00:23:52,580 --> 00:23:53,580 That's Eddie Duncan. 416 00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:55,520 Very clever. 417 00:23:56,220 --> 00:23:57,300 I like it. 418 00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:58,880 Oh, thank you very much. 419 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:04,080 I want you to understand something. 420 00:24:04,740 --> 00:24:10,000 You are a bug to me. I could crush you just by shifting my weight. 421 00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:13,020 Sorry, who did you say you were again? 422 00:24:13,780 --> 00:24:18,460 His name's Eddie Duncan. Mr. Eddie Duncan. Calm down. There's no need for 423 00:24:18,460 --> 00:24:23,780 bedlam. After all, you've already showed me what you're capable of. 424 00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:28,980 And we're both too much at stake to start a war. 425 00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:31,300 Things are going well for me at the moment. 426 00:24:31,610 --> 00:24:34,370 Money's rolling in. I've even got a judge on the payroll. 427 00:24:34,710 --> 00:24:35,710 A judge? 428 00:24:39,850 --> 00:24:40,850 What's his name? 429 00:24:41,910 --> 00:24:42,990 Is he all right? 430 00:24:43,950 --> 00:24:45,110 He's all right. 431 00:24:47,490 --> 00:24:48,490 Clayton. 432 00:24:49,150 --> 00:24:50,330 That's my judge. 433 00:24:50,790 --> 00:24:52,730 Since when? That's our judge. 434 00:24:55,430 --> 00:24:57,370 I'm going to make you an offer. 435 00:24:58,110 --> 00:25:00,010 Just a goodwill gesture. 436 00:25:00,700 --> 00:25:01,820 You'd be wise to accept. 437 00:25:02,580 --> 00:25:05,000 Oh, I see. You want to give me something. 438 00:25:05,340 --> 00:25:07,500 Ah, ah, you're like me. 439 00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:09,840 You're trying to get that buzz. 440 00:25:10,060 --> 00:25:10,659 Do what? 441 00:25:10,660 --> 00:25:12,240 That Brian Cox feeling. 442 00:25:13,060 --> 00:25:14,600 I completely understand. 443 00:25:15,060 --> 00:25:18,760 It's highly addictive, isn't it? I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, I'm 444 00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:21,660 sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you. What did you want to give me? 445 00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:27,120 Territory. I'm willing to let you have everything between Lennox Street and 446 00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:28,109 Mount Street. 447 00:25:28,110 --> 00:25:30,410 Everything between Lennox Street and Mount Street. 448 00:25:30,730 --> 00:25:31,730 Is that all yours? 449 00:25:31,970 --> 00:25:34,370 Yeah, and now I'm giving it to you. 450 00:25:34,670 --> 00:25:36,050 Even the Specsavers? 451 00:25:38,130 --> 00:25:40,210 Yeah. And the travel agents? 452 00:25:41,630 --> 00:25:42,990 Yes, all of it. 453 00:25:43,190 --> 00:25:45,470 I own the Specsavers and the travel agents. 454 00:25:47,150 --> 00:25:52,390 Well... That's very generous of you. You must be suffering a massive explosion 455 00:25:52,390 --> 00:25:53,390 in your head. 456 00:25:54,910 --> 00:25:56,250 Take it or leave it. 457 00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:57,640 I'll take it. 458 00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:00,760 And now I'm going to give it all away. 459 00:26:01,660 --> 00:26:02,660 Don't, Arthur. 460 00:26:02,780 --> 00:26:03,840 It's too generous. 461 00:26:04,100 --> 00:26:05,780 Your system can't take it. 462 00:26:06,740 --> 00:26:08,920 I don't care, Eggie. I'm going for it. 463 00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:13,320 Birdie, do you want a couple of rugs? I don't know how, but somehow I own them. 464 00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:15,200 They're yours if you want them. 465 00:26:15,860 --> 00:26:17,540 Oh, um, all right. 466 00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:40,720 We did this. 467 00:26:41,180 --> 00:26:43,500 We're going to put away a real bad guy. 468 00:26:44,500 --> 00:26:46,460 Still don't really know what happened then. 469 00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:49,600 Where's John? 470 00:26:49,620 --> 00:26:51,180 I haven't seen him for a few days. 471 00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:55,560 Good morning, sir. How can I help you? One ticket to Uruguay. 472 00:26:57,640 --> 00:26:59,720 I suppose you want payment for that. 473 00:26:59,960 --> 00:27:00,960 It's under your house. 474 00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:04,180 Any chance of a biscuit? 475 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:17,400 In the course of this, you learned Judge Clayton was, as they say, in the pocket 476 00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:18,400 of Eddie Duncan. 477 00:27:19,580 --> 00:27:20,580 That's right. 478 00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:23,360 The same Judge Clayton you see here today. 479 00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:24,579 Yes, 480 00:27:24,580 --> 00:27:25,580 that's him there. 481 00:27:52,950 --> 00:27:57,610 Metal detectors at the ready for a comedy find on BBC iPlayer. Mackenzie 482 00:27:57,610 --> 00:27:59,890 stars in The Detectorist, available now. 483 00:28:00,230 --> 00:28:03,930 Head balls, hop, what's it, into the How I Got News For You guest host chair 484 00:28:03,930 --> 00:28:07,110 here next on BBC One. Joining regulars Ian and Paul. 34023

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