All language subtitles for Count Arthur Strong s03e02 Arthur the Hat
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1
00:00:15,679 --> 00:00:17,160
These. This.
2
00:00:17,620 --> 00:00:21,660
Thank you, Michael. Oh, please, it's a
joy receiving 15 letters a day addressed
3
00:00:21,660 --> 00:00:26,580
to Arthur Strong Solutions, Arthur
Strong Industries, and Google.
4
00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:28,160
What's Google?
5
00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:33,300
It's a postal service wherein people
send me questions and I search for
6
00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:36,760
among my extensive files. I charge a
small fee.
7
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:40,800
Oh, I see, so it's like Google, but very
inconvenient and actually costs money.
8
00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:42,080
That's the idea.
9
00:00:42,330 --> 00:00:46,550
Why, boogle. Oh, that's the clever
thing. Comes first in the phone book.
10
00:00:47,350 --> 00:00:49,110
I'm always one step ahead of me.
11
00:00:49,530 --> 00:00:50,530
Here.
12
00:00:51,530 --> 00:00:52,670
There's no need for that.
13
00:00:53,130 --> 00:00:54,810
It's not ideal for me either.
14
00:00:55,290 --> 00:00:57,750
I'm the one that's had to have his
letter book sealed up.
15
00:00:58,070 --> 00:01:01,670
Why do you have to do that, Arthur? It's
private, Eggie. I'd rather not discuss
16
00:01:01,670 --> 00:01:03,890
it. I mean, what is going on here?
17
00:01:04,209 --> 00:01:08,740
Oh, that's a fruit postal service I set
up a subscription to. Can you... You
18
00:01:08,740 --> 00:01:13,080
believe this banana made it from the
other side of the world in just five
19
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:17,000
So every time you fancy a banana, you
just have to wait five weeks until it
20
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:18,180
plopped through your letterbox.
21
00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:20,160
Gosh, the modern world.
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Good, isn't it?
23
00:01:21,220 --> 00:01:23,380
No. No, it's not, is it?
24
00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:28,240
Can't work out how to cancel it. Oh,
Bulat, my good fellow, how about a cup
25
00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:31,640
tea on the house for all my years of
dedicated custom?
26
00:01:31,860 --> 00:01:32,860
This is a business.
27
00:01:32,980 --> 00:01:35,120
I run a cafe. This is a cafe.
28
00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:39,400
All right. Go on about it. Dedicated
custom. You do nothing for this cafe.
29
00:01:39,660 --> 00:01:43,000
You use it like an office. You bring
your own food. You spend as little as
30
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:44,000
possible.
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00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:45,820
What the hell?
32
00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:48,340
You're having food posted now?
33
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:50,700
This can't be better than my prices.
34
00:01:51,220 --> 00:01:55,220
Oh, God.
35
00:01:55,580 --> 00:01:56,640
What is this now?
36
00:01:56,900 --> 00:01:58,720
It's all a set of encyclopedias.
37
00:02:00,060 --> 00:02:01,100
It's a theory, Thomas.
38
00:02:01,540 --> 00:02:02,540
Close enough.
39
00:02:02,830 --> 00:02:04,550
Oh, my goodness, this is such an honour.
40
00:02:04,830 --> 00:02:07,570
Oh, calm down, Meryl Streep. It's not an
Oscar.
41
00:02:08,389 --> 00:02:10,910
No, but it's a sacred crust.
42
00:02:11,110 --> 00:02:12,970
It's one of the cornerstones of our
democracy.
43
00:02:13,450 --> 00:02:15,010
I've always been able to get out of it.
44
00:02:15,290 --> 00:02:19,270
Last time I was up for it, I managed to
convince the judge I was some sort of
45
00:02:19,270 --> 00:02:20,830
unstable lunatic.
46
00:02:27,630 --> 00:02:30,230
Come now, Bulunt, a single cup of tea.
47
00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:34,070
Michael will pay you for it when he gets
back from wherever he is. Birdie,
48
00:02:34,090 --> 00:02:35,029
where's Michael gone?
49
00:02:35,030 --> 00:02:36,009
Jury service.
50
00:02:36,010 --> 00:02:38,590
God, Arthur, every few minutes you have
to be told again.
51
00:02:39,050 --> 00:02:42,210
After all I've done for this cafe. What
do you do for this cafe?
52
00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:43,710
I'm your local colour.
53
00:02:44,570 --> 00:02:46,450
I'm why the tourists come in.
54
00:02:47,650 --> 00:02:49,550
You are a tourist repellent.
55
00:02:51,010 --> 00:02:53,850
The last time there was a tourist here,
you thought he was picking a fight.
56
00:02:54,050 --> 00:02:56,530
He kept spitting at me. He was Dutch.
57
00:02:59,950 --> 00:03:02,910
Yes, hindsight is a wonderful thing,
isn't it? Isn't it, Michael?
58
00:03:03,170 --> 00:03:04,610
Where's Michael gone? Bernie!
59
00:03:04,890 --> 00:03:05,890
Oh!
60
00:03:06,910 --> 00:03:07,728
Afternoon all.
61
00:03:07,730 --> 00:03:08,790
Oh, thank God!
62
00:03:09,130 --> 00:03:10,610
There he is, Postman Pat.
63
00:03:11,390 --> 00:03:14,130
Don't start calling me Postman Pat. I'm
doing you a favour.
64
00:03:14,490 --> 00:03:16,270
You still haven't told us, Arthur.
65
00:03:16,490 --> 00:03:18,470
Why did you have to seal up your
letterbox?
66
00:03:18,870 --> 00:03:22,530
Well, Eggie, if you must know, I caught
a dog watching me through it when I was
67
00:03:22,530 --> 00:03:23,530
in my underpants.
68
00:03:25,570 --> 00:03:28,650
Remember the good old days, Arthur, when
you could just leave your front door
69
00:03:28,650 --> 00:03:31,390
open? These days, it's just perverted
dogs.
70
00:03:33,030 --> 00:03:35,310
I had me Kevins on. Maybe that was it.
71
00:03:36,230 --> 00:03:37,970
Kevins? Kevin Clines.
72
00:03:40,010 --> 00:03:43,270
Their underpants, which I'm told, are
quite fashionable.
73
00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:50,100
You were Calvin Klein's? Kevin, Michael,
Kevin Klein's. They wouldn't do Calvin
74
00:03:50,100 --> 00:03:51,100
Klein's at the market.
75
00:03:51,780 --> 00:03:56,740
About a week ago, I bought three dozen
pairs, along with a Carol Lagerfeld coat
76
00:03:56,740 --> 00:04:00,080
and a hat designed by Victor Beckham.
77
00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:03,160
Can I get your opinion?
78
00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:06,640
Do you think this jumper says, I respect
the law?
79
00:04:08,140 --> 00:04:09,200
It actually does.
80
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:13,160
Michael, you're doing a good thing, but
you need to calm down a bit.
81
00:04:13,660 --> 00:04:14,660
Just excited.
82
00:04:15,140 --> 00:04:16,899
You can see the courtroom. It's very
intimidating.
83
00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:20,040
And have you seen a judge up close?
They're much bigger than you think.
84
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:21,320
Oh.
85
00:04:21,420 --> 00:04:22,880
No, they just sit high up.
86
00:04:23,740 --> 00:04:26,380
I think the judge and I have some sort
of silent rapport.
87
00:04:27,660 --> 00:04:30,760
It's like he knows I'd be a good judge
if I wanted to be a judge.
88
00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:32,620
Well, I think you have to be a lawyer
first.
89
00:04:33,700 --> 00:04:34,700
Oh, yeah.
90
00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,240
Pay for me. Pay for me, tea.
91
00:04:41,550 --> 00:04:42,550
What's the magic word?
92
00:04:42,830 --> 00:04:43,830
Now.
93
00:04:46,170 --> 00:04:47,330
Uh, no.
94
00:04:47,630 --> 00:04:48,630
No, I don't think so.
95
00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:49,890
What? No.
96
00:04:50,270 --> 00:04:51,670
Sorry, Arthur. I'm not doing it anymore.
97
00:04:53,890 --> 00:04:56,430
How dare you withhold money from
Bullard?
98
00:04:57,830 --> 00:05:00,990
If there's one thing that the last
couple of days have taught me, it is
99
00:05:00,990 --> 00:05:04,770
are all part of a magical interlocking
mechanism that I like to call society.
100
00:05:05,890 --> 00:05:09,950
And society only works if we are all
pulling our weight. Otherwise, you're
101
00:05:09,950 --> 00:05:14,590
like... A dog peeping through a
letterbox, trying to get something for
102
00:05:19,370 --> 00:05:23,030
Well, it appears we have reached an
impasse.
103
00:05:37,470 --> 00:05:41,930
You'll find that in the early parts of
this program, we'll notice that there
104
00:05:41,930 --> 00:05:43,850
some connection between...
105
00:05:43,850 --> 00:06:01,770
I'm
106
00:06:01,770 --> 00:06:06,150
going to have to live with that for the
rest of my life.
107
00:06:07,130 --> 00:06:08,890
Look, he's a judge.
108
00:06:09,230 --> 00:06:13,690
You're in the jury. You're not besties.
You're not peers.
109
00:06:14,170 --> 00:06:15,310
I want to kill myself.
110
00:06:15,630 --> 00:06:17,790
Oh, please don't. I can't be single
again.
111
00:06:19,330 --> 00:06:20,330
Michael.
112
00:06:22,010 --> 00:06:25,310
I loved what you said yesterday about
society.
113
00:06:25,850 --> 00:06:28,930
What a beautiful way of putting it. The
mechanism.
114
00:06:29,150 --> 00:06:30,150
Yes.
115
00:06:30,270 --> 00:06:35,190
In contemplating it, I felt very like
Professor Brian Cox does when he looks
116
00:06:35,190 --> 00:06:37,770
a dinosaur or some salt.
117
00:06:39,710 --> 00:06:44,370
I'm going to think about the bigger
picture because we're all part of
118
00:06:44,370 --> 00:06:48,050
bigger. It really, really does make you
think.
119
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,000
It's my phone.
120
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:04,400
Hugely annoying.
121
00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:08,340
I didn't choose it. This is you messing
with my settings again.
122
00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,440
People think I'm about to make a speech
every time I get a text.
123
00:07:12,060 --> 00:07:15,840
I didn't mean to do that. I was just
trying to sort out your sodding
124
00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:19,120
Radiating chimes. You should be ashamed
of yourself.
125
00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:21,640
Just leave my phone alone.
126
00:07:21,980 --> 00:07:23,800
I can't connect to the internet anymore.
127
00:07:24,100 --> 00:07:26,300
Last night I was woken up by a U2 album.
128
00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:30,039
Passcode, anyway.
129
00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:33,900
Guessing 4 -3 -2 -1 does not make me a
criminal, Master Chief.
130
00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:39,620
Would it be a bad time to ask for my
post?
131
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:48,200
I am not making a speech.
132
00:07:49,540 --> 00:07:51,300
Oh, here, Michael, this is one of yours.
133
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,560
Oh, no, leave it, Eggie. I'll give it to
him later on.
134
00:07:54,780 --> 00:07:57,080
I see you've got your tea privileges
reinstated.
135
00:07:57,340 --> 00:08:01,680
Oh, Michael, he always comes good in the
end. There's nothing he wouldn't do for
136
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:02,680
me. Oh,
137
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:04,440
what was that?
138
00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:06,000
Oh, are you all right, Arthur?
139
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:10,180
Oh, I've got a funny warm feeling in my
stomach.
140
00:08:10,860 --> 00:08:13,420
Somehow it seems to be connected with
Michael.
141
00:08:14,190 --> 00:08:17,330
I know what that is. That's an emotion
called gratitude, Arthur.
142
00:08:17,710 --> 00:08:19,770
And most humans would have that.
143
00:08:20,090 --> 00:08:23,170
Oh, it's lovely.
144
00:08:25,990 --> 00:08:29,790
It reminds me of when I was trying to
get Michael to get me a cup of tea when
145
00:08:29,790 --> 00:08:31,270
was banging on about Brian Cox.
146
00:08:31,990 --> 00:08:33,429
It's that sort of feeling.
147
00:08:33,630 --> 00:08:35,970
I'd call it a Brian Cox rush.
148
00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:42,640
sense back there, even if you were just
trying to get a cup of tea out of him.
149
00:08:42,980 --> 00:08:48,320
Now I'm getting a sort of horrible
opposite feeling, like someone has
150
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:49,860
salt on Brian Cox.
151
00:08:51,180 --> 00:08:52,340
That's called guilt.
152
00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:58,840
How do I get rid of the salty Brian Cox
feeling and get the dinosaur one back?
153
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:01,660
Maybe you could do something nice for
Michael.
154
00:09:01,940 --> 00:09:02,940
I see.
155
00:09:03,140 --> 00:09:07,120
You could pay him a visit at the
courtroom and give him a boost.
156
00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:08,360
Great idea.
157
00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:11,300
Now, Arthur, he won't want that.
158
00:09:11,580 --> 00:09:13,440
Oh, come on, Eggie, don't be so selfish.
159
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:17,980
What could make him happier than looking
up and seeing a row of friendly faces?
160
00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:21,600
Now you put it like that.
161
00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:25,620
Yeah, and that's why they have seats,
you know, so everyone can go and cheer.
162
00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:27,980
Oh, it'd be like going to the films for
free.
163
00:09:29,020 --> 00:09:31,340
We'd only have to pay for ice creams and
drinks.
164
00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:33,209
I'm in.
165
00:09:33,210 --> 00:09:36,610
What about you, John? Are you coming?
There might be a juicy case on, like a
166
00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:39,090
murder, or maybe they've caught a witch.
167
00:09:40,770 --> 00:09:41,770
Better not, Arthur.
168
00:09:42,150 --> 00:09:43,150
Why not, John?
169
00:09:43,290 --> 00:09:49,410
Well, Birdie, in my youth, I fell in
with a lot of bad apples, and I wouldn't
170
00:09:49,410 --> 00:09:52,070
want them to see me in a courthouse and
think that I turned grass.
171
00:09:53,290 --> 00:09:55,390
Oh, John, what are the chances of that
happening?
172
00:09:55,610 --> 00:09:58,990
If you're not in a firm and you're
sitting in a courthouse...
173
00:09:59,660 --> 00:10:01,560
This is not a very good look, Arthur.
174
00:10:01,780 --> 00:10:05,600
Oh, come on. Stop thinking about
yourself, John. We're all part of
175
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:10,000
bigger. Let's go and make this an
unforgettable day for Michael.
176
00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:14,380
This'll be the one.
177
00:10:14,580 --> 00:10:16,480
Are you sure this is the right
courthouse?
178
00:10:16,740 --> 00:10:18,400
I am, Birdie. It'll be in this one.
179
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:20,980
Oh, look. The circus is in town.
180
00:10:21,260 --> 00:10:25,160
Oh, this feels good, doesn't it? I feel
a warm glow.
181
00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:28,080
You're doing something nice for someone,
Arthur.
182
00:10:28,300 --> 00:10:29,610
That's... That's the feeling you get.
183
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:30,830
Is it?
184
00:10:35,970 --> 00:10:38,090
Look, there's Michael.
185
00:10:39,550 --> 00:10:40,630
There you are.
186
00:10:42,170 --> 00:10:43,550
Good luck, Michael.
187
00:10:43,990 --> 00:10:45,530
With you on the way, Michael.
188
00:10:46,090 --> 00:10:48,670
Could I have silence in my courtroom,
please?
189
00:10:50,370 --> 00:10:54,550
Oh, look, it's the accused.
190
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,260
a minute, Birdie. We don't know if he's
guilty or not yet.
191
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:02,400
Yay!
192
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:03,720
Good luck, son.
193
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:05,700
Right. Right, who said that?
194
00:11:06,340 --> 00:11:07,580
Who's making all that noise?
195
00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:14,020
That's the gentleman in the raincoat.
Can I have him removed, please?
196
00:11:15,140 --> 00:11:16,140
Me? Why?
197
00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:17,300
I haven't done anything.
198
00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:25,560
What are you doing?
199
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,520
We just wanted to give you a bit of
support.
200
00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:29,160
a football match.
201
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:31,220
All right, all right, we're going.
202
00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:35,340
Oh, here, there was one for you in that
pile of post. You must have got it mixed
203
00:11:35,340 --> 00:11:36,339
up.
204
00:11:36,340 --> 00:11:37,340
OK, give it to me.
205
00:11:37,420 --> 00:11:38,420
You got it here somewhere.
206
00:11:39,620 --> 00:11:40,620
Hello, John.
207
00:11:42,260 --> 00:11:43,260
Hello.
208
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:44,900
What brings you here today?
209
00:11:45,300 --> 00:11:46,440
You been a naughty boy?
210
00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:49,840
No, no, it's just... What's going on
with you?
211
00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:51,120
Well, they brought Big Frank in.
212
00:11:51,460 --> 00:11:52,359
Big Frank?
213
00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:53,440
I didn't know he was out.
214
00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:55,080
Yeah, they got him for GBH.
215
00:11:56,100 --> 00:11:57,720
Somehow they got a witness to appear.
216
00:11:58,110 --> 00:12:00,690
You know, had him here on a three, did
something with his voice, he couldn't
217
00:12:00,690 --> 00:12:01,589
recognise him.
218
00:12:01,590 --> 00:12:02,429
Oh, yeah?
219
00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:04,470
Yeah. Would you say you're here for
again?
220
00:12:04,990 --> 00:12:05,989
Hello, John.
221
00:12:05,990 --> 00:12:06,990
Hello, Tom.
222
00:12:07,150 --> 00:12:08,310
What are you doing here, then?
223
00:12:08,530 --> 00:12:11,370
Well, that's what I've been asking him.
Didn't expect to see you here. Well,
224
00:12:11,390 --> 00:12:12,390
that's what I've been thinking.
225
00:12:12,650 --> 00:12:13,710
Oh, you haven't turned grass?
226
00:12:14,470 --> 00:12:15,470
Yeah.
227
00:12:15,630 --> 00:12:16,730
You know me, boys.
228
00:12:17,310 --> 00:12:19,010
No, I'm looking for another outfit now.
229
00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:20,530
Oh, yeah?
230
00:12:21,150 --> 00:12:22,150
Who's running it?
231
00:12:24,130 --> 00:12:25,130
Arthur Lack.
232
00:12:25,890 --> 00:12:26,890
That's him over there.
233
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:38,680
You're only eight, John.
234
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:40,960
Yeah.
235
00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:42,720
Good to see you, boys.
236
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:45,580
See you later.
237
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:50,500
Let's see where he's off to.
238
00:12:57,980 --> 00:12:58,980
Hello, Steph.
239
00:12:59,180 --> 00:13:00,180
Can you get me CID?
240
00:13:00,700 --> 00:13:01,940
They might want to have a look at this.
241
00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:07,920
Do you believe him? Well, I don't think
he's a grass, Mr Duncan.
242
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,780
Though he did join another firm.
243
00:13:11,140 --> 00:13:12,420
What did he say his name was again?
244
00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:14,760
Arthur the Act. Arthur the Act.
245
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:17,680
Never heard of him.
246
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,660
Well, he's some sort of operator.
247
00:13:20,980 --> 00:13:21,980
Yeah.
248
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:23,600
Got good luck at him.
249
00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:26,040
Oiling up a juror from another trial.
250
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:29,040
I'm a little insulted.
251
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:36,200
John told me he was going straight, and
now here you are telling me he's got a
252
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:37,200
new best friend.
253
00:13:38,540 --> 00:13:40,500
I thought I was his best friend.
254
00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:44,940
Well, with respect, Mr. Danton, looks
like things have changed.
255
00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:47,080
Have they now?
256
00:13:53,020 --> 00:13:54,020
Yes.
257
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:07,680
Give Dr. Tedder.
258
00:14:39,410 --> 00:14:43,610
Perhaps I should give some explanation
about what has just transpired.
259
00:14:44,270 --> 00:14:49,290
There are three conditions by which a
charge like this may be considered
260
00:14:49,290 --> 00:14:50,290
successful.
261
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,610
First condition... Ringtone.
262
00:14:52,830 --> 00:14:53,970
Under ringtone.
263
00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:56,790
You shouldn't be messing with his phone,
Arthur.
264
00:14:57,090 --> 00:14:58,750
Bloody radiated chimes.
265
00:14:59,210 --> 00:15:00,770
But that's not highlighted.
266
00:15:01,090 --> 00:15:03,130
Record your own is highlighted.
267
00:15:03,610 --> 00:15:07,290
Here comes Michael. I'll take it into
the toilet and fix it in there.
268
00:15:11,820 --> 00:15:13,000
Might as well make the best of it.
269
00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:15,900
Oh, lovely warm seat.
270
00:15:16,380 --> 00:15:18,080
Someone must have just left it.
271
00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:24,780
Actually, this feels like it's going to
be a painful one.
272
00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:27,520
I'm going to hold on to the side.
273
00:15:34,060 --> 00:15:35,060
Here you go, Eggie.
274
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:36,159
What's this?
275
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,500
It's a list of tools I'm hoping to get a
lend on.
276
00:15:38,910 --> 00:15:41,410
I'm removing a tree from her next door's
garden.
277
00:15:41,730 --> 00:15:45,550
Oh, I tell you what, Eggie, I can't get
enough of being lovely to people.
278
00:15:45,810 --> 00:15:48,050
I'm getting a massive buzz off of it.
279
00:15:49,030 --> 00:15:50,510
Use a toothpick, will you?
280
00:15:52,350 --> 00:15:53,350
What's this say?
281
00:15:53,430 --> 00:15:55,650
Tramps. Tramps. Bin bags.
282
00:15:55,910 --> 00:15:56,910
Can't you read?
283
00:15:57,450 --> 00:15:58,450
Squadron.
284
00:15:58,810 --> 00:15:59,810
Handsaw.
285
00:16:00,290 --> 00:16:01,450
Pending. Shovel.
286
00:16:02,730 --> 00:16:04,270
It's your writing, Arthur.
287
00:16:04,590 --> 00:16:06,190
Oh, I'll just tell you. You write it
down.
288
00:16:07,630 --> 00:16:08,630
You're right.
289
00:16:10,030 --> 00:16:11,930
It's just something gone down the wrong
way.
290
00:16:12,590 --> 00:16:13,590
I'll be all right.
291
00:16:16,070 --> 00:16:17,029
Mm -hmm.
292
00:16:17,030 --> 00:16:18,030
What is it?
293
00:16:18,750 --> 00:16:19,910
These guys are no good.
294
00:16:20,210 --> 00:16:21,910
Look, like they own the place.
295
00:16:22,270 --> 00:16:23,270
Can I help you?
296
00:16:23,730 --> 00:16:26,670
Might as well do some business while
we're here. Yeah, actually.
297
00:16:27,310 --> 00:16:28,310
Oh.
298
00:16:29,030 --> 00:16:30,030
Hello, darling.
299
00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:37,250
Some instructor is funny.
300
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,450
I said, can I help you?
301
00:16:39,770 --> 00:16:43,350
Yeah. Well, we're doing a neighbourhood
watch scheme. You know, keeping an eye
302
00:16:43,350 --> 00:16:44,870
on some of the businesses in the area.
303
00:16:45,250 --> 00:16:48,230
Thought you might like to contribute a
small amount to cover our expenses.
304
00:16:48,890 --> 00:16:50,530
Right. We'll need an axe.
305
00:16:51,090 --> 00:16:52,090
Axe?
306
00:16:52,890 --> 00:16:55,230
Biggest one they've got. One you can
really get hold of.
307
00:16:55,970 --> 00:16:57,470
Yeah, yeah. I've got you.
308
00:16:57,930 --> 00:17:00,990
Are you sure, mate? I mean, it's not
much money, for peace of mind.
309
00:17:01,310 --> 00:17:02,310
I think we're OK.
310
00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:04,290
Mate.
311
00:17:04,609 --> 00:17:05,609
Good sharp saw.
312
00:17:06,030 --> 00:17:07,030
OK.
313
00:17:07,849 --> 00:17:11,950
What's that for? We can't get rid of it
all at once. We have to saw the limbs
314
00:17:11,950 --> 00:17:13,470
off, bring it all up in pieces.
315
00:17:14,390 --> 00:17:16,130
I like the way you're thinking.
316
00:17:17,030 --> 00:17:19,710
Oh, bin bags. We don't want to leave any
mess.
317
00:17:20,010 --> 00:17:22,829
Yeah, yeah. I've done this before,
Arthur.
318
00:17:24,530 --> 00:17:25,530
Run.
319
00:17:25,790 --> 00:17:26,790
What?
320
00:17:29,430 --> 00:17:33,330
You know those guys?
321
00:17:33,570 --> 00:17:34,489
What guys?
322
00:17:34,490 --> 00:17:36,650
Oh, when I want to get her a little
present.
323
00:17:37,710 --> 00:17:40,150
How about some lovely chrysanthemums?
324
00:17:41,430 --> 00:17:42,990
Will you have a drink?
325
00:17:45,750 --> 00:17:47,310
He's the real deal, Mr Duncan.
326
00:17:48,510 --> 00:17:49,510
Is he now?
327
00:17:54,830 --> 00:17:55,830
Yes.
328
00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:00,610
I want to meet him.
329
00:18:01,350 --> 00:18:02,590
See what he's made of.
330
00:18:03,230 --> 00:18:04,230
Bring him over.
331
00:18:04,370 --> 00:18:05,630
And what if he says no?
332
00:18:07,050 --> 00:18:08,530
Take young Bobby with you.
333
00:18:09,410 --> 00:18:11,670
But, Mr Duncan, this is me new suit.
334
00:18:11,930 --> 00:18:13,170
Can I at least go home and change?
335
00:18:13,470 --> 00:18:14,730
No, leave it on.
336
00:18:15,430 --> 00:18:18,490
I'll encourage you not to lose the head
too much.
337
00:18:19,590 --> 00:18:20,590
We'll see.
338
00:18:22,210 --> 00:18:23,210
Come on, boys.
339
00:18:23,490 --> 00:18:23,930
There
340
00:18:23,930 --> 00:18:31,290
it
341
00:18:31,290 --> 00:18:32,129
is.
342
00:18:32,130 --> 00:18:33,130
Silly boy.
343
00:18:33,970 --> 00:18:35,070
Yeah, we got one.
344
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:39,360
Eggie, I've got something for you.
345
00:18:43,220 --> 00:18:46,140
Do you want this?
346
00:18:46,420 --> 00:18:48,800
Your fly rod? But that's your favourite,
Arthur.
347
00:18:49,140 --> 00:18:53,400
Oh, no. I can't help myself, Eggie.
Arthur, you've got to face it. You're
348
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:56,160
addicted to feeling like Brian Cox when
he looks at things.
349
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:57,239
You're right.
350
00:18:57,240 --> 00:18:59,480
I'm chasing that Brian Cox feeling.
351
00:18:59,860 --> 00:19:03,200
Helping old ladies across the street
just doesn't do it for me anymore.
352
00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:05,560
Everyone's talking about how you've
changed.
353
00:19:06,140 --> 00:19:10,280
I'm worried about you, Arthur. I can
handle it, Eggie. I can quit any time I
354
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:12,800
want. Anyway, take it. Take the rod.
Take it.
355
00:19:14,900 --> 00:19:17,580
No. I don't want to be a part of this.
356
00:19:21,220 --> 00:19:22,220
Which one?
357
00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:24,180
Yeah, that's him over there.
358
00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:27,280
Oi, you, Arthur.
359
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:15,140
I'm arresting you on suspicion of
perverting the course of justice. You do
360
00:20:15,140 --> 00:20:17,980
have to say anything, but it may harm
your defence if you do not mention when
361
00:20:17,980 --> 00:20:20,020
questioned something you later rely on
in court.
362
00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:22,340
Anything you do say may be given in
evidence.
363
00:20:22,660 --> 00:20:23,660
What?
364
00:20:24,220 --> 00:20:25,300
Sir? Come on, sir.
365
00:20:25,620 --> 00:20:26,880
Oh, my God, is this really happening?
366
00:20:28,780 --> 00:20:29,780
This is really happening.
367
00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:32,100
How is this really happening?
368
00:20:34,180 --> 00:20:35,180
This is really happening.
369
00:20:46,830 --> 00:20:47,429
That's Arthur.
370
00:20:47,430 --> 00:20:48,430
You know him, do you?
371
00:20:48,550 --> 00:20:51,150
Yes. He was just giving me my post.
372
00:20:51,590 --> 00:20:53,450
It was just a bloody pizza menu in the
end.
373
00:20:53,950 --> 00:20:54,950
A pizza menu?
374
00:20:55,310 --> 00:20:56,310
In an envelope?
375
00:20:56,870 --> 00:20:57,870
Yes.
376
00:20:59,110 --> 00:21:00,370
I don't know why they do it.
377
00:21:01,070 --> 00:21:03,810
You see, Baker, we've been looking into
your Mr Strong.
378
00:21:04,030 --> 00:21:07,010
It seems he's been causing some ripples
in the exciting world of organised
379
00:21:07,010 --> 00:21:08,010
crime.
380
00:21:08,170 --> 00:21:09,170
Organised crime?
381
00:21:09,370 --> 00:21:10,370
Arthur?
382
00:21:11,150 --> 00:21:12,530
Arthur couldn't organise anything.
383
00:21:13,070 --> 00:21:15,270
Well, if that's the case, you won't mind
doing us a little favour?
384
00:21:16,170 --> 00:21:17,830
Well, yes, yes, of course.
385
00:21:18,510 --> 00:21:22,850
Just have a little visit with your
friend, ask him how his week's been, get
386
00:21:22,850 --> 00:21:23,850
gossip.
387
00:21:24,250 --> 00:21:25,250
A wire?
388
00:21:25,970 --> 00:21:28,270
You want me to wear a wire and speak to
Arthur?
389
00:21:28,850 --> 00:21:30,270
Looking at seven years, otherwise.
390
00:21:31,310 --> 00:21:32,310
Seven years what?
391
00:21:32,530 --> 00:21:34,030
Well, prison.
392
00:22:17,379 --> 00:22:19,560
I am entering the cafe.
393
00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:30,140
I am sitting in the cafe.
394
00:22:36,870 --> 00:22:37,870
Michael, sit.
395
00:22:40,510 --> 00:22:41,510
Approaching target.
396
00:22:47,330 --> 00:22:48,850
So, what's been going on?
397
00:22:49,510 --> 00:22:50,510
Eh?
398
00:22:51,170 --> 00:22:55,330
Cos, um, I haven't been around a lot,
have I? So whatever's happening has
399
00:22:55,330 --> 00:22:56,330
nothing to do with me.
400
00:22:56,990 --> 00:22:57,990
Whatever's going on.
401
00:22:58,090 --> 00:22:59,090
What are you all about?
402
00:22:59,570 --> 00:23:02,170
Why did you come to the court to see me,
remember?
403
00:23:02,830 --> 00:23:06,730
Oh, that was just to show my
appreciation for all you do for me.
404
00:23:12,370 --> 00:23:14,030
So much you do.
405
00:23:14,630 --> 00:23:16,710
Just my way of saying thank you.
406
00:23:17,750 --> 00:23:24,390
Stop it. No, no, I won't stop it. This
is the new me, Michael. I'm nice now. I
407
00:23:24,390 --> 00:23:26,130
just want to be nice to everyone.
408
00:23:26,490 --> 00:23:27,490
He's on to us.
409
00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:34,920
Shift. Sorry, we're in the middle of
something.
410
00:23:37,060 --> 00:23:39,260
I'm going to sit over there now because
I want to suddenly.
411
00:23:42,740 --> 00:23:44,100
You think you're an operator?
412
00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:47,560
Big man around town, everybody knows
your name.
413
00:23:48,140 --> 00:23:50,480
Passing out favours, friend of the
community.
414
00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:52,040
Is that Eddie Duncan?
415
00:23:52,580 --> 00:23:53,580
That's Eddie Duncan.
416
00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:55,520
Very clever.
417
00:23:56,220 --> 00:23:57,300
I like it.
418
00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:58,880
Oh, thank you very much.
419
00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:04,080
I want you to understand something.
420
00:24:04,740 --> 00:24:10,000
You are a bug to me. I could crush you
just by shifting my weight.
421
00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:13,020
Sorry, who did you say you were again?
422
00:24:13,780 --> 00:24:18,460
His name's Eddie Duncan. Mr. Eddie
Duncan. Calm down. There's no need for
423
00:24:18,460 --> 00:24:23,780
bedlam. After all, you've already showed
me what you're capable of.
424
00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:28,980
And we're both too much at stake to
start a war.
425
00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:31,300
Things are going well for me at the
moment.
426
00:24:31,610 --> 00:24:34,370
Money's rolling in. I've even got a
judge on the payroll.
427
00:24:34,710 --> 00:24:35,710
A judge?
428
00:24:39,850 --> 00:24:40,850
What's his name?
429
00:24:41,910 --> 00:24:42,990
Is he all right?
430
00:24:43,950 --> 00:24:45,110
He's all right.
431
00:24:47,490 --> 00:24:48,490
Clayton.
432
00:24:49,150 --> 00:24:50,330
That's my judge.
433
00:24:50,790 --> 00:24:52,730
Since when? That's our judge.
434
00:24:55,430 --> 00:24:57,370
I'm going to make you an offer.
435
00:24:58,110 --> 00:25:00,010
Just a goodwill gesture.
436
00:25:00,700 --> 00:25:01,820
You'd be wise to accept.
437
00:25:02,580 --> 00:25:05,000
Oh, I see. You want to give me
something.
438
00:25:05,340 --> 00:25:07,500
Ah, ah, you're like me.
439
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:09,840
You're trying to get that buzz.
440
00:25:10,060 --> 00:25:10,659
Do what?
441
00:25:10,660 --> 00:25:12,240
That Brian Cox feeling.
442
00:25:13,060 --> 00:25:14,600
I completely understand.
443
00:25:15,060 --> 00:25:18,760
It's highly addictive, isn't it? I don't
know what you're talking about. Oh, I'm
444
00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:21,660
sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you.
What did you want to give me?
445
00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:27,120
Territory. I'm willing to let you have
everything between Lennox Street and
446
00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:28,109
Mount Street.
447
00:25:28,110 --> 00:25:30,410
Everything between Lennox Street and
Mount Street.
448
00:25:30,730 --> 00:25:31,730
Is that all yours?
449
00:25:31,970 --> 00:25:34,370
Yeah, and now I'm giving it to you.
450
00:25:34,670 --> 00:25:36,050
Even the Specsavers?
451
00:25:38,130 --> 00:25:40,210
Yeah. And the travel agents?
452
00:25:41,630 --> 00:25:42,990
Yes, all of it.
453
00:25:43,190 --> 00:25:45,470
I own the Specsavers and the travel
agents.
454
00:25:47,150 --> 00:25:52,390
Well... That's very generous of you. You
must be suffering a massive explosion
455
00:25:52,390 --> 00:25:53,390
in your head.
456
00:25:54,910 --> 00:25:56,250
Take it or leave it.
457
00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:57,640
I'll take it.
458
00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:00,760
And now I'm going to give it all away.
459
00:26:01,660 --> 00:26:02,660
Don't, Arthur.
460
00:26:02,780 --> 00:26:03,840
It's too generous.
461
00:26:04,100 --> 00:26:05,780
Your system can't take it.
462
00:26:06,740 --> 00:26:08,920
I don't care, Eggie. I'm going for it.
463
00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:13,320
Birdie, do you want a couple of rugs? I
don't know how, but somehow I own them.
464
00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:15,200
They're yours if you want them.
465
00:26:15,860 --> 00:26:17,540
Oh, um, all right.
466
00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:40,720
We did this.
467
00:26:41,180 --> 00:26:43,500
We're going to put away a real bad guy.
468
00:26:44,500 --> 00:26:46,460
Still don't really know what happened
then.
469
00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:49,600
Where's John?
470
00:26:49,620 --> 00:26:51,180
I haven't seen him for a few days.
471
00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:55,560
Good morning, sir. How can I help you?
One ticket to Uruguay.
472
00:26:57,640 --> 00:26:59,720
I suppose you want payment for that.
473
00:26:59,960 --> 00:27:00,960
It's under your house.
474
00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:04,180
Any chance of a biscuit?
475
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:17,400
In the course of this, you learned Judge
Clayton was, as they say, in the pocket
476
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:18,400
of Eddie Duncan.
477
00:27:19,580 --> 00:27:20,580
That's right.
478
00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:23,360
The same Judge Clayton you see here
today.
479
00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:24,579
Yes,
480
00:27:24,580 --> 00:27:25,580
that's him there.
481
00:27:52,950 --> 00:27:57,610
Metal detectors at the ready for a
comedy find on BBC iPlayer. Mackenzie
482
00:27:57,610 --> 00:27:59,890
stars in The Detectorist, available now.
483
00:28:00,230 --> 00:28:03,930
Head balls, hop, what's it, into the How
I Got News For You guest host chair
484
00:28:03,930 --> 00:28:07,110
here next on BBC One. Joining regulars
Ian and Paul.
34023
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