All language subtitles for growing_pains_s04e02_birth_of_a_seaver

Well, I'm just saying that I wouldn't be
going into work tomorrow if I were two

weeks overdue.

Well, that's because you're a better
mother than I am.

Mike, singing's for kids. Besides, you
promised no singing, remember?

Hey, who sang? All I said was... Quit
it, Mike!

Like Mom and Dad said, it's my day.

All right, all right, it's your party,
it's your rules.

Mike!

Honey, speaking as a doctor... Jason,
Jason, Jason, Jason.

It's silent cake time.

I'm just saying, you know as well as I
do, the big, this is it moment could

at any time.

Really? And how many babies have you
had?

I'm not going to push it.

Going into work is stupid and upset.

Jason, the baby will not come... Oh, I'm
sorry, Pumpkin. No more talk about the

new baby. Like we said, you are dead.

Thank you.

Go, come on, make a wish, blow out the
candles. I got it.

Have you guys really not thought on any
names for the baby?

Carol. What? What'd I say?

It was a lot worse than Hank. Mike!

What is Hank?

It's just a word, Dad, that apparently
seems to be freaking Ben out.

And he's been a lot crabbier than you
guys have been lately.

Now, wait a minute. Your mother is
having a baby. This is a big sprain on

family.

You can't blame her for acting a little
irrational.

Man, this is what we need, a new Caesar.

minutes apart now, and you're okay?

Uh -huh. All right.

Now, did I ever tell you back in medical
school, you know, I thought an awful

lot about obstetrics and gynecology?

I bet you did.

I still don't see how you two can be so
calm. I mean, Mom, you're about to give

birth. Perhaps the most painful growth
human experience in the whole world.

Thank you, Carol.

Your mom and I have the advantage of
having been through this a few times

before, Carol. Yeah, but you were much,
much younger then.

Age has nothing to do with it. When
you're prepared for a situation, you can

take anything in stride.

I'm okay. Don't worry about me. In fact,
don't worry about anything. Mom, I got

your suitcase right here and Dr.
Goodner's phone number.

Everything's set.

Even Mike is called? I think I'm going
to be sick.

Remember, if you need anything, I am
here. I'm not afraid of blood or guts or

pus or anything.

Mike, you know what you could do? You
could heat me some water.

Hot water?

You mean the baby's coming right now?

Dad, you're a doctor. Can't you stop
that thing?

Mike, I just wanted some tea.

Tea?

Oh.

Hey, I knew that.

Hey, Ben, Mom is, like, ready to give
birth in the living room. This is major

stuff here.

And the thing, how did you get the gift
of life with sea monkeys?

it out. I did. I know my mom and dad are
acting like they're so calm.

It's an act.

I'll cover.

Cover this.

Oh, that's it, Mike. Act like the
insensitive lout that you are.

Carol, if your voice gets any higher,
only dogs will be able to hear you.

Michael Seaver, I hope that's the girl
with every ounce of my being.

Well, I don't stand a chance.

Oh, Jason, this can't be happening now.
Why not?

We still have to pick out names. Yeah,
well, you should have thought of that

before you went into labor.

All right, Dr. Goodman knows that we're
on our way.

Did you know she's a woman?

Yes.

All right, come on, everybody. Let's go.
In my car. Come on. Come on. No, no,

no. We can't go in your car. Your car's
in the shop.

What's it doing there?

You told me to take it there.

Oh, that was last week, Mike.

And you say I never listen.

All right, we'll take you in this car.
Let's go. But you hate driving our car.

No, I don't. Yes, you do. Yes, I do, but
it's just to the hospital. Well, I

don't want to put you out.

Fine.

Look, we can take my car, all right?
Yeah, all right. Okay, let's go.

So when we get stopped for speeding for
once, I can finally say, well, not that

I ever get stopped for speeding.

I'll drive Mike's car. But we all won't
fit in Mike's car.

Then I'll drive my car, too.

Great. Great.

No. No.

No, Maggie, you can't. But I have to go.
I'm the one that's... Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

All right, look, we're starting to sound
like a bunch of death mental patients.

You know, Dad, you take Mom in my car
and I'll take Carol's car. I don't have

car. I meant I'll take you in Mom's car.

Wait, what about Ben? Ben can't drive.

No, we almost forgot Ben.

Almost.

You take him in your car because I'll be
taking Mom's car, which is really...

Well, is that your car? Yeah, it's
Jason's.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, yeah.

Come on, Ben. We can't wait forever.

I think I'll just stay. I was going to
watch TV tonight anyway.

Ben, you've got to stop watching TV and
start living your life.

TV? He is my life.

Excuse me, I'm Jason Stever, and my wife
is a patient of Dr. Goodner's, and

she's going to have a baby.

No.

Is the doctor here yet? Yes, she's
scrubbing up.

Aren't you that Maggie Malone from the
TV news?

Yes. I see you all the time.

Thank you. I didn't say I like you. I
said I see you.

Can we just get on with the medical
routine? We'll save this fiscal and

stuff for later. Fine.

See, a person tries to be friendly to
people, you see what happens.

Now, before we take you off for
prepping, Mrs. Malone... Mrs. Ebert.

Oh, you're one of those.

Anyway, this hospital has what is called
a birthing room.

Yes, my wife and I have told the kids
all about it. Sir, can I please do my

Now, this birthing room allows... the
whole family to be a part of and witness

to the beauty of birth.

Exactly.

Well, this kid wants up.

Barney, we've got another customer.
Let's roll.

Okay, Mom, you'll be okay.

Have fun.

Don't worry, Dad. I'll stay here with
nervous little Carol.

Wait, Dad, you forgot your camera. Dr.
Johnson.

Oh, just watching a birth would be so
fleshy.

It's kind of like watching Alien in 3D.

I thought you were staying here because
somebody's got to stay here with nervous

little Carol.

Well, if it'll make you happier, Carol,
then I'll leave.

You can stay here with little Ben.

Dr. Ziegler, call admissions.

All right, Carol, what'd you do with
Ben?

Me? Me?

Carol, this is no time to be thinking
about yourself.

Now, was he in the elevator with us?

I...

Aye, aye. What is it with you today?

All right, now what would Ben pick now
of all times to run off?

Well, I don't know. Maybe he's upset
because with the new baby, he thinks

we don't have time for him. Oh, well,
that's silly.

And with the new baby, we don't have
time for Ben's silliness.

Carol, if you ever think about becoming
a child counselor, don't.

Look, do you want to stay here and
insult me, or do you want to go help me

for Ben?

Carol, what I want does not matter here,
okay?

Now I'll check this floor and you go
check the other eight.

The other eight?

Where have you been?

I need floors to check. What have you
been doing? Checking every nook and

on this floor.

You'll never believe what I saw this
orderly doing in the supply room.

All right, now Ben's got to be...
someplace obvious.

No, I already checked. The cafeteria's
not open at this hour.

Well, I guess we should have to tell Mom
and Dad that you've lost him. I lost

him. Good, you admit it.

Would you tell them anything now?

Are you out of your mind? One of their
children is missing.

Oh, come on, Mike. Don't you think that
they're a little busy?

With what?

Oh.

You guys think you're so cute.

Kid, you don't belong here.

It's official.

Oh, shut up,

Jason.

You're doing just fine, Maggie. Won't be
long now.

Eight centimeters dilated.

Thank you, Doctor.

You're welcome, Doctor.

Come on, Maggie, you can do it. You can
do it, Maggie.

You can do it? That's supposed to make
me feel better? You call yourself a

coach?

That's good, Maggie. Take your mind off
your pain.

Take my mind off my pain, okay?

Do you know how annoying it is to be
married to someone with your toilet

leaves the seat up.

That's what did in my first marriage.

Does he leave half a sheet on the roll
without replacing it?

Constantly. Men can be such babies.

Speaking of babies, can we just get on
with this one? Thank you.

It's okay, Mike. We got the right room
this time.

Come on in.

Where's Ben? Ben?

Uh, I mean, uh, Ben.

He's waiting in the cafeteria.

A little squeamish about coming in, huh?
Yeah.

We've got to take this place apart until
we find him. I know.

You just go tell him it's not so scary
being in here.

What am I even trying to tell you for
the last hour, Carol?

Could you fix this for me? I don't bend
over so good.

Uh, yeah.

Ah, thanks.

I owe you.

Can you smoke in a hospital?

Are you a doctor? No. A nurse? No. An
orderly? No. I can smoke in a hospital.

So who the hell are you?

Ben Seaver.

Ben Seaver?

The Ben Seaver? You heard of me? No.

So, Ben Seaver, what are you doing here?

Nothing. Oh, well, good. Then you come
in, we can shoot a fat.

Fat? I lost ten pounds.

Amy, talk.

Jaw. Chat.

Get down.

Come on in.

Nice place, huh?

Oh, by the way, I'm Chris Longshot
Ganey. You can call me Chris.

Okay. So, let me guess.

You wander hospitals for a living.

You're not much of a conversationalist,
are you?

You got some problems?

I don't know.

Oh, come on. You're the first person
I've seen around here without a needle

his hand.

Maybe I can help you out with your
problem, huh?

You need to make me feel better.

You know, I'd love to have guys tell me
they have problems. That's what I do for

a living.

My dad does the same thing.

No kidding. He's a bartender, too?

You know what that must have been?

I've inhaled some of that anesthesia or
something.

Probably your socks.

Scott, I just want you to take it easy
for a while, okay?

Oh, excuse me, Jason. There is another
patient here.

Oh, yes, yes. This is my special
patient, my one and only patient. You're

going to let that help me look good,
then, are you?

Carol, I am just as concerned as you are
about the whole pocket, all right?

You know, Chris, I didn't even get to
open my presents.

They didn't even sing to me.

Oh, Benny, Benny, Benny, pull yourself
together.

Me again.

You're not driving, are you?

Huh? Bartender joke.

I don't get it, Chris.

I just don't get it. I mean, I figured
it'd be all right with this new kid

coming, but he's crowding me already.

And he's not even born yet.

Right. I mean, I've been the youngest
keeper my whole life. Before that, I was

nothing. Now with this new kid coming,
what am I now? Nothing.

Nothing? Come on, Benny.

You're getting carried away, aren't you?
Hey, that's not the milk talking, is

it?

I gotta just face it. I'm being
replaced.

You wouldn't have any cookies to go with
this, would you?

If they catch me with these, they're
gonna give me a physic.

What's a physic? You don't wanna know?
Eat the cookies.

Now, look, Benny Powell, since you and
me go back a long way, I'm gonna tell

something I don't tell everybody.

You know, in all my years as a
bartender, I've seen a lot of things.

birth, and everything else.

And the biggest lesson I've learned is,
well, all those old cliches are true.

Time does heal all wounds.

Life does go on.

Twelve -year -olds do not listen to you.

Now, look, since I didn't know it was
your birthday, I didn't have time to

your present.

But take it anyway, huh?

It's a little advice from an old man.

You know, I'll tell you, I've been a lot
of things. A bartender, a veteran, a

Kiwanian. Or is it a Rotarian? I can
never get that right.

Also, I've also been a husband, a
father, a son.

But do you know the thing I enjoyed
being best?

A big brother.

Big brother?

You got a big brother?

What do you think of him? Oh, he's the
best.

He treats him like a doofus, but he's
the greatest guy in the world.

Now, think about how nice it would be to
have someone around who thought that

same way about you. I mean, even if you
did treat him like a doofus.

Doofus. Whatever.

Ben Thiever, you are a lucky man. You
are not being replaced.

You're being added on to.

Hey, pal, this is not a gift you're
going to get every birthday.

From now on, you're going to be Big
Brother Ben.

Big Brother Ben?

Mm -hmm.

Another thing I've learned as a
bartender, if you can't solve a guy's

try and help him forget it.

So, as a result of that, I happen to
have a top shelf of top shelf jokes

guaranteed to crack the sourest puss up
into hysterical laughter.

You ready?

What's got four legs, a tail, and barks?
A dog. You heard it.

Oh, Jason, I'm never going through this
again.

Oh, that's what you said after Mike.

And Carol.

And Ben.

Here it comes.

Oh, Jason, this is just not something a
four -year -old woman should do.

You want a boy or you want a girl?

What do you got?

All right, I give up. What do you get if
you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

Hey, shufflies, will you?

Now, listen, I probably shouldn't tell
you this one, but the creepiest girl you

ever saw walks into a bar dressed like a
fish.

My fins? I thought they were your fins.

You know it?

Yep.

Boy, that's a pretty racy joke.

I know. My big brother told it to me.

Well, that's enough of corrupting the
morals of a miner. Let's get back to

gambling.

All right.

You ready?

Ready. Got any sevens? Go fish.

You know, Chris, smoking those things is
bad for you.

That's all right, Penny.

These cigars won't hurt me.

Nothing will.

So you're getting out of here real soon?

Yeah, soon.

Great, because maybe you could come
visit me then.

Chris?

Your turn, your turn.

Hey, Ben, what the heck have you been
doing?

Gambling and telling dirty jokes.

Ben, we've been looking all over for
you. I didn't know.

Yeah, I hope my stupid brother hasn't
been bothering you. Oh, he's been a real

pain in the neck.

Come on, Ben, the new baby's here.

That's your big brother?

Well, he seems like a neat guy.

Well, what do you think you got, a new
brother or a new sister?

I don't care.

Hey, I don't believe that.

Now you go on down there and find out
what it is. Go on, go, go, go, go.

Bye, Chris.

So long, pal.

Oh,

Jason, she's beautiful.

Just like your mother.

Oh, Maggie, you did it.

Oh, we did it.

Sweetheart, I'm so...

Sorry for all my yelling at you.

Yelling? What yelling?

I want you to know that I love being
married to you and you can leave the

seat up until we're old and gray.

I think that's the most romantic thing
you've ever said to me.

I want to say hello to your new baby

sister. Sister?

It's a girl? You mean I went through all
that for another girl?

Are you sure it's a girl?

Yeah, pretty sure.

Can I hold her?

Now it's finally even.

Mike, do you want to hold her?

I know. No, no, no. I might break her or
something.

Weenie.

Hey.

Major Weenie.

She weighs less than a bowling ball.

I was never this small.

Oh, you were.

A whole new seaver.

I guess that makes six of us now.

Growing up?

Yeah, I never thought I'd be this
allergic.

Well, there are some things in life no
amount of planning can ever make you

ready for.

And holding a newborn baby is probably
the best one in the whole world.

Here, Ben, you want to hold her?

You're big brother Ben now.

Big brother Ben.

So what do you think?

I think she's cool.

She's who?

Look, Jason, we can't hold off naming
her any longer now.

Yeah, I know, I know. Well, let's tell
the kids the name we agreed on.

Irma. I never agreed to Irma. I agreed
to Sophie.

Sophie? Hey, hey, how do you feel about
Apollonia?

Chris.

Gotta be Chris.

Chris.

I like that name.

Yeah, I like it too.

Where'd you come up with that, Ben?

It's the name of a guy I know.

A friend.

Christine Seaver.

Christine Seaver.

Sounds like a name.

I'm going to be a good big brother,
Chris.

You'll see.

I don't even mind sharing my birthday
with you.

Christine Seaver, 8 pounds, 4 ounces,
born 12 .03 a

.m. 12 .03?

You mean it's tomorrow, the day after my
birthday?

Well, it's one way of looking at it.

Oh, right!

Hey, I almost forgot.

Congratulations,

Mr. Seaver.

Have a cigar.

Happy birthday, Cracker.

I'm going to mold her into the total
woman of the 21st century.

Looking forward to that.

Look at all these babies.

They've all got families.

Brothers and sisters.

It really makes you stop and think about
what's important in life.

Mike, every once in a while you make me
really proud to be your sister.

Oh, hey, look at the twins on that
nurse.

What's with you people? Don't you like
babies?