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And in the lighter side of the news,
Teen Scene Magazine today released the
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results of its annual teen heartthrob
poll.
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00:00:08,720 --> 00:00:13,340
They have declared that the dreamiest
guy alive is Kirk. Who cares?
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How many watching?
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Nothing's on.
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Yeah, there's gotta be.
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Anyway, you're not supposed to watch TV.
You promised Mom and Dad you'd actually
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do your homework for a teen.
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You don't sweat it, I will.
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Well, me, love.
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more properly known as the Castor. It is
one of nature's most ambitious
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engineers.
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And you said nothing was on.
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What, Mike? What in the world are you
doing in here when you have that darn
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English report due?
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What? I'm gonna get you for this, Carol.
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Like, didn't you put your hand on your
heart and promise to do your homework?
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Dad, I will.
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Well, what do we have to do? Pay you to
do it?
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You know, I think you're onto something
here, Dad.
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Is that PBS Beaver special on yet?
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Mike, you are supposed to be doing your
English homework.
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I know. What is it with you people? You
act like I never do my homework or
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something.
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Come on, look. It's a crummy little four
-page English report on Raymond
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Chandler. Four pages that are typed.
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Researched. Footnoted. With
bibliography. That you should have been
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for four weeks. And that is due
tomorrow.
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And... According to your teacher... If
you don't get at least a B on this...
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won't pass the course and that means
that you... Won't graduate. Yeah!
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What are you going to do? Get together
and rehearse this or something?
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Mike. Mom, Dad, look, you don't have to
get so excited.
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Oh, we don't? Look, I know that over the
years, my school record hasn't exactly
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been terrific.
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What? Whoa.
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I know how important this report is, and
I know that I kid around a lot, but
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there is no way that I'm going to let
myself fail this course. I mean, Dad,
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even read the book, and that's why I
have set everything aside this evening
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can spend the entire night in my room at
my desk finishing that report no matter
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how long it takes.
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Hello? Mikey, sorry I'm late. Ready to
split?
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Show me that smile again. Ooh, show me
that smile.
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Don't waste another minute on your
crying.
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We're nowhere near the end.
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The best is ready to begin.
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After love.
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After
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love.
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Watch him dance.
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Well, okay, all right.
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Boner and I, we're merely going to take
a couple of minutes to drop in on a very
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dear, very close friend of ours who's
very nervous about this new job and who
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needs some support.
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The man is good.
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So who exactly is this very dear, very
close friend?
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Who? Yeah.
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Well, you know the name is kind of
slipping out of my mind. Sheena Woo Woo
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Buckowitz.
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00:03:53,550 --> 00:03:56,830
Okay, all right. Now, before you jump to
the wrong conclusion here, you should
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know that Sheena just got a very
challenging job at Almondanza Pizza,
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dough in the air.
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Oh, yeah.
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And, Mom, Sheena's famous for needing
all kinds of support.
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Oh, yeah.
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Boner, get out.
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Jason, that's rude.
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Sorry.
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Mike, go to your room. Go straight to
your room and get started on your paper.
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And don't come out of your room until
you either finish that homework or you
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turn 21, whichever comes first.
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You tired up all night, Mikey?
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Bonner, get out!
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The crowd is stunned, ladies and
gentlemen. Mike Seaver is actually going
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the book.
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And what are you kids sitting around
for? Don't you have some chores to do?
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Whose night is it to take out the trash?
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Mike! Mike, take out the trash.
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What? Mike, it's your night to take out
the garbage. But I have to work on my
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report. Well, you do that after the
trash.
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Oh, okay.
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Fine, fine, fine, fine. But if I ever at
least get a beer in the street park,
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it's on your heads.
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32 seconds, not bad.
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00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:10,720
No, I didn't get out of it, Bones. Yeah,
right, sure. Listen, woo -woo, shift
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ends at 8 o 'clock.
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I want to beat the crowd and get a spot
right in front of the window.
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No, I'm serious, man. I've got to finish
my stupid English report.
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Mikey, Mikey, think about what counts
here.
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We don't got no need for English.
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I can't believe it. I mean, all of my
life, I've been walking past the windows
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of pizza parlors, and who's always in
there?
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Yeah, some porked -out old guy named
Guido.
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But now, it's woo -woo Berkowitz.
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Throwing gobs of dough high into the
air, reaching up to catch him, arching
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back and stretching.
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The perfect blend of form and function.
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The faith.
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The hair.
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The anchovies.
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You know, I would pay money to see her
toss anything in the air.
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Look, man, there's always tomorrow
night, right? No, no, no, not for me.
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see, I'm going tonight because...
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00:05:59,310 --> 00:06:01,870
There could be a nuclear war tomorrow,
and I would never forgive myself.
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00:06:02,910 --> 00:06:04,190
Oh, great. That's great, though.
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Oh, Mike.
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Oh, Dad.
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00:06:08,230 --> 00:06:10,930
Yeah, Mike, you know, when I saw you out
here playing with a basketball, just
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00:06:10,930 --> 00:06:14,390
wasting time, I thought to myself, well,
I gotta tell you, I gotta be honest
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here, I gotta tell you right now, I got
angry.
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And then I thought, no, no, no, no,
maybe my kid's really got a future in
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professional basketball.
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So why not just forget about that
English report? Forget about school.
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Forget about the fact you're 5 '7 and
white.
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00:06:27,630 --> 00:06:31,970
Now, I promise myself, Mike, if you made
that last shot, boy, I'd just let you
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00:06:31,970 --> 00:06:35,050
party. Just sail right on into that NBA
draft.
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I guess we both know what that last
airball cost you.
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Later, bone.
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Boy, one airball and your whole life is
down the chute.
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No doubt it's really strict.
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Look, if you guys don't have any faith
in me, don't beat around the bush. Just
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say it.
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We have no faith.
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Whoa, what is that?
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00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,120
It's a woman in a bikini bending over.
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00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:11,780
Ben, does Mom and Dad know that you're
watching that cable channel?
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This isn't cable. This is the local
news. This week they're examining the
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question.
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00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:19,740
The only question I got is, what's her
phone number?
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00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:24,740
Oh, watch out for those nasty waves.
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I knew with 36 pounds there had to be
something good on it. Oh, look at that.
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She's getting all soaking wet. Poor
baby.
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00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:35,740
Look at that. Oh, look at that.
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00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:42,880
Why don't you videotape it? Good idea.
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Mom,
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this isn't disgusting.
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This is the local news.
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The TV stays off for the rest of the
night. What?
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Sorry, Ben. Your brother can't handle
the distractions.
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00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:01,520
Mike, upstairs.
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00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,060
And I mean now.
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00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:04,960
March. March?
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Mom, come on. Look, we're both adults
here, and you don't need to treat me
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I'm some silly little child.
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Go! Now!
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Oh, no.
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Treat me like a little kid, huh?
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All right. To work.
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00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:30,040
Where's my desk?
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00:08:32,820 --> 00:08:35,419
All right, who swipes my desk?
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00:08:35,780 --> 00:08:37,539
Get to work, now.
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00:08:37,980 --> 00:08:40,919
Fine, how's a guy supposed to work
without a stupid desk?
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00:08:42,679 --> 00:08:43,880
Oh, wait a minute.
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Oh, here it is.
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All right, a desk.
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Now what else?
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Typewriter.
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00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:11,880
How was the guy supposed to type a
stupid report when he... Ow.
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00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:18,720
Okay.
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00:09:22,060 --> 00:09:24,820
Now, where's that Raymond Chandler book?
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00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:27,300
Oh, great.
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It's a lot of paper. I only need four
pieces.
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00:09:45,290 --> 00:09:49,730
Okay. First, I'll start with putting the
paper in.
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00:09:52,210 --> 00:09:53,750
All right. Not bad.
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00:09:54,290 --> 00:09:56,810
All right. Now, my name.
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All
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right.
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00:10:07,150 --> 00:10:07,909
Where was I?
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00:10:07,910 --> 00:10:08,910
Oh, yeah.
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My name.
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00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:18,020
Ah, this is easy.
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00:10:19,340 --> 00:10:22,860
No? No, no, wait a minute. I should
write this out before I type it. Yeah.
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00:10:23,620 --> 00:10:24,620
Okay.
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00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:26,960
All right.
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00:10:29,460 --> 00:10:30,460
Hmm.
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Ticonderoga number two.
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00:10:47,370 --> 00:10:48,370
with your paper.
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00:10:50,170 --> 00:10:51,170
How'd you know it was me?
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00:10:51,610 --> 00:10:53,810
Because it was a dumb -sounding knock.
Get out.
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00:10:55,230 --> 00:10:59,610
Well, for your information, I did not
come in here for your pathetic help. I'm
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00:10:59,610 --> 00:11:00,770
merely here to sharpen a pencil.
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00:11:01,310 --> 00:11:04,450
All right, over there. The pencil
sharpener is a little tricky. Maybe for
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00:11:04,490 --> 00:11:06,490
but men are much better at handling
power tools.
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00:11:12,410 --> 00:11:14,150
Oh, thanks a lot, Carol.
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00:11:14,730 --> 00:11:15,950
Now, what am I supposed to do?
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00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:18,680
how to be typed anyway.
186
00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:21,440
Yeah, but you gotta have a first draft
first. Don't you know anything?
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00:11:21,940 --> 00:11:23,740
You mean you haven't even started yet?
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00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:25,340
Look, what's your point?
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00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:27,420
4 .0, what's yours?
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00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:32,280
Look, Carol, I have got the whole report
right up here.
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00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:33,740
Where it's safe.
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00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:36,320
Look, what do you know anyway?
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00:11:36,700 --> 00:11:41,700
I know that a cursory examination of
Raymond Chandler's work won't reveal the
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00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:46,980
full extent of the depth, symbolism, and
import that he weaves into his story.
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00:11:47,530 --> 00:11:50,650
I mean, take the long goodbye, for
example. I mean, here, Chandler.
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00:11:52,850 --> 00:11:53,850
No, no,
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00:11:55,890 --> 00:11:56,890
no,
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00:11:57,850 --> 00:11:58,850
please.
199
00:12:03,450 --> 00:12:04,450
Testing,
200
00:12:05,970 --> 00:12:07,510
one, two, three, please work, please
work, please work.
201
00:12:08,270 --> 00:12:10,210
Testing, one, two, three, please work,
please work, please work.
202
00:12:19,660 --> 00:12:20,660
Oh, yeah?
203
00:12:21,580 --> 00:12:22,580
Oh, yeah, what?
204
00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:26,240
Well, I was saying that you were totally
wrong about what you were saying
205
00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:28,340
before. What was I saying?
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00:12:28,780 --> 00:12:32,920
Oh, well, you know, about Raymond
Chandler playing the cymbals.
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00:12:33,980 --> 00:12:37,800
No, Mike, I said his work was fraught
with symbolism and import.
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00:12:38,180 --> 00:12:40,080
Oh, right, right. Well, prove it.
209
00:12:41,020 --> 00:12:41,739
Prove it?
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00:12:41,740 --> 00:12:43,560
Yeah. Well, Mike, you need only...
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00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:47,410
Read the long goodbye to see how
Chandler used the metaphor of the 40s
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00:12:47,410 --> 00:12:51,870
to illustrate the plight of the modern
man in the 20th century, alone fighting
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00:12:51,870 --> 00:12:52,870
incredible odds.
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00:12:53,190 --> 00:12:57,270
I mean, essentially, Chandler's message
was that modern man hadn't traveled that
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00:12:57,270 --> 00:12:59,090
far since Charles Syrian days.
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00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:01,010
That's enough, Carol.
217
00:13:01,890 --> 00:13:02,890
What'd I do?
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00:13:03,090 --> 00:13:05,410
Well, I'd guess about most of your
brother's paper.
219
00:13:06,230 --> 00:13:10,290
Oh, Mom, that is such an insult. I mean,
you actually think that I would have my
220
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:11,910
little sister do my work for me?
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00:13:12,609 --> 00:13:16,090
You were saying... Hey!
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00:13:16,530 --> 00:13:18,570
All right, who put that in my pocket?
223
00:13:20,990 --> 00:13:23,070
I expected better of you, Dad.
224
00:13:28,110 --> 00:13:32,170
Not one more lame excuse. But, Mom, I...
Not one more word. Just not one
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00:13:32,170 --> 00:13:33,830
syllable. Not one letter.
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00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:39,980
You are not to set foot outside this
room until you have typed one entire
227
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:42,420
If you understand me, bink your eyes.
228
00:13:44,060 --> 00:13:45,060
Bink?
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00:13:46,100 --> 00:13:49,200
Okay, okay, Mike, you leave me no choice
except to take drastic action.
230
00:13:49,580 --> 00:13:51,240
Van! What are you going to do?
231
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,160
I wasn't watching the news, I swear!
232
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:57,200
Van, how would you like to make ten
dollars?
233
00:13:57,860 --> 00:13:59,020
I'd rather make a hundred.
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00:13:59,220 --> 00:14:00,220
Ten zero.
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00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:03,420
What's the job? I want you to stand
guard outside this room.
236
00:14:03,820 --> 00:14:08,960
What? If Mike comes out for any reason,
you let me know. Mom, Mom, look, if you
237
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:14,580
think that Benny here, my pal, my bro,
my blood, would sue me out for $10, you
238
00:14:14,580 --> 00:14:16,940
are so wrong. I mean, Benny couldn't
live with himself, right?
239
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:19,260
No, Mom, I couldn't. See?
240
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:21,020
For $20, I could.
241
00:14:21,260 --> 00:14:22,800
$10. I can live with that.
242
00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:31,460
Well, I think we've finally done it. I
had to get tough.
243
00:14:31,950 --> 00:14:35,470
But Mike's in his room, Ben's standing
guard. It's only 8 o 'clock, and with
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00:14:35,470 --> 00:14:37,330
luck, an English report will soon be
born.
245
00:14:37,590 --> 00:14:38,569
Great, great.
246
00:14:38,570 --> 00:14:39,409
What are you doing?
247
00:14:39,410 --> 00:14:40,990
I'm watching TV.
248
00:14:43,570 --> 00:14:44,930
Why can't I hear anything?
249
00:14:45,630 --> 00:14:48,470
Oh, I left the sound off so I wouldn't
disturb Mike.
250
00:14:48,730 --> 00:14:52,310
Well, that's very sweet, honey, but what
can you watch without sound?
251
00:14:52,790 --> 00:14:54,150
This is a new special.
252
00:14:56,060 --> 00:15:00,300
An in -depth examination of the bikini
question.
253
00:15:01,820 --> 00:15:03,620
I didn't know there was a question.
254
00:15:03,860 --> 00:15:04,860
Oh, yeah.
255
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:11,600
Your turn.
256
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:13,200
Out of the way, Ben.
257
00:15:14,020 --> 00:15:15,840
Has this visit been cleared by Mom?
258
00:15:16,340 --> 00:15:17,340
It has, yes.
259
00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:18,880
You got something on paper?
260
00:15:19,100 --> 00:15:20,100
Out of the way.
261
00:15:38,830 --> 00:15:39,830
Nice hat.
262
00:15:39,930 --> 00:15:41,570
Oh, thanks.
263
00:15:42,410 --> 00:15:46,050
Yeah, I was just gearing up a little
mood music, Dad. In the mood now?
264
00:15:46,250 --> 00:15:49,250
Yeah. Because this is a hostage, Mike.
265
00:15:49,530 --> 00:15:53,630
And this is a non -negotiable demand.
266
00:15:55,430 --> 00:15:56,850
I want the English report.
267
00:16:00,390 --> 00:16:04,350
Or you will never see your stereo alive
again.
268
00:16:08,430 --> 00:16:10,450
Dad, watch out for the... What
269
00:16:10,450 --> 00:16:16,770
the heck happened?
270
00:16:17,170 --> 00:16:18,170
No music.
271
00:16:18,230 --> 00:16:19,230
No friend.
272
00:16:19,490 --> 00:16:22,670
No food, except for whatever might be
growing under his bed.
273
00:16:23,290 --> 00:16:25,250
No more distractions. Nothing.
274
00:16:25,570 --> 00:16:27,510
Nothing to do except finish his paper.
275
00:16:29,130 --> 00:16:32,030
Oh, whatever happened to the bikini
question?
276
00:16:32,970 --> 00:16:34,210
They answered it.
277
00:16:35,530 --> 00:16:36,530
It was no.
278
00:16:39,180 --> 00:16:40,900
Are you sure there's nothing else up
there for him to do?
279
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:45,580
Nothing. Unless he decides to clean up
his room.
280
00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:48,780
Nah. All
281
00:16:48,780 --> 00:16:56,100
right.
282
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:57,240
Now I can...
283
00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:23,800
record for a nose balancing a pencil.
284
00:17:24,020 --> 00:17:26,079
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the
impossible.
285
00:17:26,380 --> 00:17:29,320
Steve is going to try with not only one,
but two pencils.
286
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:39,540
Oh, please let there be batteries in it.
Please let there be batteries. I'll
287
00:17:39,540 --> 00:17:40,640
never drive over 35 again.
288
00:17:45,820 --> 00:17:47,580
Yes, all right.
289
00:17:48,020 --> 00:17:50,800
Steve is ready to work. I'm talking
ready. I'm ready.
290
00:19:46,890 --> 00:19:49,730
Well, either he's working... Or he
escaped out the window.
291
00:19:54,650 --> 00:19:56,610
Oh, he fell asleep working.
292
00:19:56,930 --> 00:19:57,930
Let's see how he did.
293
00:19:59,950 --> 00:20:00,950
The.
294
00:20:02,190 --> 00:20:03,190
Go on.
295
00:20:03,550 --> 00:20:04,550
There is no on.
296
00:20:06,350 --> 00:20:07,350
Mike.
297
00:20:07,950 --> 00:20:09,050
Oh, uh, Mom.
298
00:20:09,610 --> 00:20:11,830
Mom, I'm doing great here. I'm on a
roll.
299
00:20:12,090 --> 00:20:13,270
Oh, Dad, you're here, too.
300
00:20:13,930 --> 00:20:14,930
Oh, you're on a roll?
301
00:20:15,530 --> 00:20:18,490
One word, one lousy syllable in an hour
and a half?
302
00:20:19,210 --> 00:20:22,790
Yeah, but I spelled it right. Oh, Mike,
that's not funny.
303
00:20:22,990 --> 00:20:26,390
Look, I really wish I had more time to
chat here, but this report is due here
304
00:20:26,390 --> 00:20:29,390
pretty soon. Mike, this is not cute,
amusing, or charming.
305
00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:34,530
Well, Mom... I give up. Well, I don't.
Oh, Maggie, come on. We can't help him
306
00:20:34,530 --> 00:20:38,350
anymore. It's not enough for us to want
things for him. He's got to want them
307
00:20:38,350 --> 00:20:39,169
for himself.
308
00:20:39,170 --> 00:20:40,990
And apparently all he wants is to be a
bum.
309
00:20:44,110 --> 00:20:45,270
You're really mad at me, aren't you,
Dad?
310
00:20:45,610 --> 00:20:46,610
Yes. No.
311
00:20:46,790 --> 00:20:48,550
No? No, no, I'm mad at myself.
312
00:20:50,010 --> 00:20:54,030
Oh, I believed, I really believed that
you were just, well, you were bright and
313
00:20:54,030 --> 00:20:55,550
intelligent, just a little bit lazy.
314
00:20:56,170 --> 00:21:00,330
I thought maybe someday you'd snap out
of it, but I've been kidding myself.
315
00:21:01,690 --> 00:21:02,669
What are you saying?
316
00:21:02,670 --> 00:21:05,570
Nothing that he means. Jason, tell Mike
that you don't mean a word that you're
317
00:21:05,570 --> 00:21:07,150
saying. I do mean it.
318
00:21:08,190 --> 00:21:10,790
I just think it's time, Maggie, that we
should admit that we're wrong.
319
00:21:11,830 --> 00:21:12,830
About what?
320
00:21:13,130 --> 00:21:15,190
What did you want about it? Come on.
321
00:21:16,370 --> 00:21:21,350
I mean, we've been pushing you to
realize your big potential. Maybe this
322
00:21:21,350 --> 00:21:22,350
the potential you've got.
323
00:21:23,110 --> 00:21:24,690
It is not, Jason.
324
00:21:24,930 --> 00:21:29,030
Well, that's the only explanation,
Maggie. No, it isn't, Dad. Look, come
325
00:21:29,290 --> 00:21:33,490
I'm a goof, a clown, a total bozo. But I
am not stupid.
326
00:21:40,190 --> 00:21:41,190
Mike.
327
00:21:41,710 --> 00:21:43,470
I believe you're a total bozo.
328
00:21:44,130 --> 00:21:45,130
What?
329
00:21:47,610 --> 00:21:48,610
Jason, what?
330
00:21:48,650 --> 00:21:52,230
You didn't mean that. Of course I didn't
mean that.
331
00:21:52,550 --> 00:21:53,950
But you sounded so convincing.
332
00:21:54,170 --> 00:21:55,170
I hope so.
333
00:22:04,390 --> 00:22:07,050
Jason, you should have started insulting
Mike years ago.
334
00:22:09,310 --> 00:22:10,310
Where are you going?
335
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:13,760
Well, now that I'm on a roll, I think
I'll go and wake up Ben and tell him how
336
00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:15,080
disappointed I am in him.
337
00:22:42,430 --> 00:22:49,410
And so on behalf of the entire News
Center
338
00:22:49,410 --> 00:22:55,770
3 team, Mindy, Biff, Scotty, and Dr.
Goss with the weather, good night from
339
00:22:55,770 --> 00:22:59,070
guys and gals who treat your news
seriously.
340
00:23:02,710 --> 00:23:07,370
I did it. I did it. Four pages,
footnoted, typewritten, the whole shot.
341
00:23:07,370 --> 00:23:08,189
cover, too.
342
00:23:08,190 --> 00:23:09,270
Well, that's great, Mike.
343
00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:12,780
Yeah, where's Carol? I want a rubber
nose and something brilliant.
344
00:23:13,420 --> 00:23:15,300
In bed, Mike. It's 11 .30.
345
00:23:15,820 --> 00:23:19,600
It can't be. Yes, you've been working on
this for an hour and a half straight.
346
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:20,960
I have?
347
00:23:21,580 --> 00:23:23,140
I mean, uh, yeah.
348
00:23:23,500 --> 00:23:24,500
What'd you expect?
349
00:23:25,620 --> 00:23:26,620
Exactly that.
350
00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:33,060
Yeah, well, see, like I said, Dad, I'm
merely a total bozo.
351
00:23:33,420 --> 00:23:34,420
I know, Mike.
352
00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:36,500
We've been meaning to talk to you about
that.
353
00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:39,520
Sit down, son.
354
00:23:39,870 --> 00:23:41,450
This could take quite a while.
27521
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