All language subtitles for growing_pains_s02e20_born_free

Ben, it's your turn to take out the
garbage.

Hey, you know you can't listen in when
Dad talks with one of his mental

patients. He's not talking to a mental
patient. It's Mom.

Well, that's probably worse. It still
shouldn't snow.

It's juicy stuff.

Ben, you can't... It's about my...

See, Ben's running to the goofy glue
again, huh?

Shh!

to warn you before it's too late.

What?

For five bucks.

Yeah.

What, do you think I'm stupid just
because I'm related to you?

Okay. Your funeral.

All right, all right, all right. I owe
you five bucks. What is it?

Your report card came in the mail today.

Oh, no.

That's what Dad said.

Well, how bad could it be?

Dad says you're this close to becoming a
good -for -nothing bum.

Okay, well, um, just tell him that you
haven't seen me, okay?

Oh, wait a minute. There's the little
matter of the five bucks?

Yeah.

Try and collect.

Hi, Mike!

It's good to see you!

Don't you go anywhere. Your mom and I
will want to have a word with you in a

minutes.

Okay, now was it really, really worth it
to sell your own brother out for a mere

$5?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

What are we going to do with Mike?

Well, Maggie, we've been asking each
other the same question ever since his

first report card in kindergarten.

I know, but he's only a year and a half
away from graduating.

I wouldn't bet on it.

D. D plus.

D minus minus.

Teacher comment number 64, which is,
I've had it. I'm quitting teaching.

Of course, the real comment is our old
favorite here. Student is not realizing

full potential.

Jason, what is going to become of Mike
after he graduates?

I mean, no college, no skills.

I mean, what kind of a job can a person
get when all they have is a charming

smile and nothing to back it up?

He can go to Hollywood, become an actor.

Jason, I realize that as a psychiatrist,
you work hard at not letting your

emotions get the best of you.

But at this moment, I'm asking myself,
why didn't I marry a fiery urologist?

Maggie, I'd rather think than rant,
okay?

So what are you thinking?

Well, I think there must be a more
effective way to get through to Mike.

What is it? I don't know.

You call that thinking?

All right, how would you get through to
him?

Me? Yeah.

Well, I'd... Okay.

I'd, um... Yeah, and this is good.

You know that speech you're giving at
Boston College tomorrow? The one you

me listen to three times?

No, I know the one you asked to hear
three times.

That's the one.

Anyway, take him with you.

Show him around the campus. Let him see
what he'll be missing if he doesn't get

his act together.

Vicki, that's a terrible idea.

It is.

Do you know what I could do?

I could take him to Boston with me and
soft sell him about college.

Show him around the campus? Yes.

Let him see what he'll be missing. Yes.

Wow, I wonder where you come up with it,
Doc.

Vicki, this is great.

Oh, Michael.

He won't be able to resist my magical
powers of persuasion. I'll have the

weekend to spend with him.

All right.

Have a seat. All right, all right. Now,
I know what this is all about. I know

you guys have been talking about my
future plans, and I myself have a few

remarks on this subject.

Have a seat, Dad.

Now, what's all this fuss about the
future?

My... No, no, no, Mom, Mom. Now, come
on. I have got this handled, all right?

Now, I have made a decision in my life
to become very successful and make a lot

of money.

Uh -huh.

Now you guys are probably asking
yourself, how is he going to do this?

How is he going to do this?

That's all right here, black and white,
Mom.

Vinnie Furbo's shiftless man's way to
big bucks?

Keep reading.

I made a million smackaroos, and I'm
just an average Joe like you. And you

need a big deal college education or any
special skills. All you need is two

free hours a week and a winning smile.

I found my car.

Okay, and I won't take up any more of
your guys' time, but I will promise you

this. When I make my first million, I'm
going to buy you guys some decent

clothes.

Mike, can I see that, please?

Yeah, sure, Dad.

As I said before, will you have a seat,
please?

There's going to be another one of those
college parks. No.

Yes, it is. No, it isn't. Yes, it is.
No, it isn't. It is.

Now, we've been through this before,
Mike. What's the point of another

right?

No. Oh, son of mine. I've got this two
-day trip to Boston coming up, and I

thought, hey, why don't we make it a
guy's getaway?

What's the catch?

There's no catch, Mike.

Come on, it'll be fun. Just the two of
us hanging out in Beantown.

You've been under a lot of academic
pressure lately, and, well, maybe what

really need is just a break.

Come on, you've earned it.

Where does all this stupid garbage end
up?

Well, it's taken to a factory, turned
into videotape, and then they record

videos on it.

Carol, I need you to lend me a suitcase.

They decided to kick you out of the
house?

Yes!

No, they didn't kick me out of the
house.

A girl can dream.

As a matter of fact, Dad's taking me on
a trip to Boston for a little guy

getaway. Wait a minute.

You get called in because you're a
crummy grave and end up on a trip to

What am I doing wrong here?

A lot, Carol, but that's not the point.

And for your information, Mom and Dad
didn't even want to talk about my

What? No, they didn't even bring them
up. They were in a great mood.

Mike, Mom and Dad were in a great mood
after senior grades, and we've just

experienced a miracle.

I mean, my guess is that this house is
going to be turned into a shrine, and

then thousands of D students are going
to line up to light candles in your

Mike Seaver, the patron saint of
underachievers.

I'll get my own suitcase.

Oh, this batch of garbage has David Lee
Roth written all over it.

Ben, if I told you that Mom and Dad
didn't yell at Mike because of his

and instead Dad was taking him on a fun
trip to Boston, what would you think?

I think the dad is trying to trick Mike
into caring about college by taking him

to his old school.

You're right. This is right. It's all a
trick.

Sure. What'd you think?

The captain has extinguished the fasten
seatbelt sign. Please feel free to move

aimlessly about the cabin.

All right, Mike, we're on our way. Yeah.

Hey, you realize this is the first time
you and I have taken a trip alone

together? Yeah. I mean, it was just two
men hanging out.

Hey, Dad, what do you say we look for
some chicks, huh?

Very funny.

Hey, we're going to have some big fun
this weekend, though. Yeah, yeah. The

obligation I have is to make that speech
on campus. That's not going to take

very long.

Hey, as long as I have to go to the
campus anyway, why don't you come with

can show you around my college.

Like where I had some of the best years
of my life.

Eh, I don't know, Dad. I think maybe I
ought to stay at the hotel and find some

women. My.

Well, if it's women you're interested
in, you know you're missing a bet not

coming to this campus.

Yeah? Oh, yeah.

Hundreds.

And all of them hungry for knowledge.

Well, so I guess it'd be a shame to miss
that beach, wouldn't it, Dad? Right.

Hey, you know, we could spend the whole
day there.

Okay. Yeah, how about it? Are you...
Not.

Do either of you like something to
drink?

Oh, well, I... Because no one else does
on account of such a short flight and

everything. And would really save me a
lot of trouble if I didn't have to haul

out that drink cart.

That's fine, thank you.

Well, you know, I remember when I first
went to that college.

I had no clue what I wanted to do with
the rest of my life.

But there's something about being there
that brought it all into focus, you

know? And that's when I realized there
was only one career for me.

Huh. Race car driver.

So they sent me to the school
psychiatrist, and the rest is mental

history.

Hey, kid, can I borrow your barf bag?

Here, keep it.

Yours, too.

Oh.

Sure, enjoy.

Thanks.

So, Mike, what are your plans?

Um... I'm wide open, Dad. This is going
to be a guy's getaway weekend for me.

No, I don't mean just for the weekend. I
mean for the future, too.

Like, how do you see yourself ten years
from now?

Ten years?

Um... Old.

Like you'll be 26.

Yeah.

All right, two years from now.

Two years. Better yet, tell me how you
see yourself two days after graduation.

What are you going to be doing?

Simple. Me and Eddie and Boyner, we're
heading down to Fort Lauderdale.

All right, one week after graduation.

Still partying.

Mike, come on. Before you know it, it's
going to be graduation.

Come on, Dad, that's a whole year and a
half away.

But the things that you get a chance to
do now and the decisions you'll make,

they're going to affect you the rest of
your life. Time is precious.

Oh, whoa, Dad.

Did you see that fox heading up to the
lounge? I've got to go check her out.

Mike, we're talking.

About time being precious.

Yeah, tell me about it, Dad. This plane
lands in 15 minutes. I gotta move.

Mike, come on.

Ah, she wasn't into her dad. She was
married.

Mike, I don't want to talk about that.
Me either.

Oppressing. I want to stick to the
original topic of discussion, okay?

What was the original topic, Dad?

How you're going to improve your grades,
Mike.

When did that become the topic?

Years ago.

Come on, Dad. This isn't my idea of a
guy's getaway.

How do I get through to you? I mean, how
do I make you realize that for the rest

of your life you're going to be affected
by what you do now?

Yeah, well, I mean, just for sure I
don't.

When's the last time you spent more than
15 minutes doing your homework?

Dad, it's not the quantity of time that
I spend. It's the quality, right?

You just don't get it, do you?

I mean, would it help if I took away
your card?

Attention, attention, excuse me.

We have a small emergency.

Oh, no, no.

you this guy's wife? She says she's
going into labor.

Well, I can take a look at her.

Hey, Doc, don't you need a little black
bag or something? I'm a psychiatrist.

Oh, Doc, she don't think she's having a
baby. She's having a baby.

A psychiatrist is a medical doctor. Oh,
hey, don't tell my wife you're a head

shrinker, huh?

Hello, I'm Dr.

Seaver. I understand you're going into
labor.

All right, well, how far apart are the
contractions?

Would you have the captain radiohead for
an ambulance?

Ambulance! Ambulance!

Everything's fine. Everything's fine.
We'll be on the ground long before the

baby arrives. Oh, okay. Hi, folks. This
is Captain Kirk.

Logan International is having a little
fog problem, and we're going to circle a

bit. So relax and have a drink.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Everything's going wrong here. Calm
down, Captain. There's no reason to

Everything's fine.

Yeah, you don't see me throwing a fit,
and I've got a whole... that stupid

cart.

All right. There's more room up here.
You'll be more comfortable.

Why do we need more room?

What's going to happen? You said we'd be
on the ground by now, didn't he? Didn't

he say that? He did.

Okay. Okay, what do we do now, huh? Boil
water, rip sheets, what?

Honey, you're scaring me. You're scaring
me too, Dad. Oh, yes. You sit over

here, please.

Susan, you sit right there.

In the magic carpet lounge?

Dan, you know, you could be a big help
if you just take a stroll, all right?

Calm down.

Yeah, that's it. I'll take a nice brisk
walk outside.

It'll do me good.

Mike, will you watch him, please?

All right, Dad, but if he opens the
door, he's on his own.

Are you comfortable, Susan?

I haven't been comfortable in five
months, Doctor.

What did the captain say?

He said it would take an hour for the
fall to clear and at least 45 minutes to

divert to another airport.

Oh, damn. This baby's coming in a half
an hour.

You tell your Captain Kirk he's either
got to land this plane or he's got to

beam me up an obstetrician.

That's so cute.

I told her she shouldn't fly.

The doctor said no. But does she listen
to me?

Apparently not.

Think she'll be okay?

Oh, yeah, you should be fine. My dad is
a great psychiatrist.

But now he's dealing with the other end.

What's your name?

Mike.

What's my name?

Damn, that's it. Okay.

Okay, Mike.

I'm feeling much better now.

I'm completely calm.

Calm? What should you be calm? What's
going on?

Keep pushing, Susan. Keep pushing. When
does the pain stop?

In about 18 years.

It's happening.

It's happening.

It's happening. Dan, get a hold of
yourself. Where?

Buttercup. Sweetheart.

Munchkin. Baby doll. Oh, man, please.
Get the hell out of here. You're making

feel awful.

Yeah, but I'm your coach.

If I need a coach, you're the first one
I'll call. Now get out.

Don't take it personally, Dan. Yeah, I
know, Doc. I know. I took Lamont

Mike. And I know a woman tends to freak
out when she reaches the final stage of

labor.

those race car classes. Got a

sack?

Doctor, I have two messages from Captain
Kirk.

First, he says he could have you on the
ground in 65 seconds, but he doesn't

think you'd enjoy the landing.

And second, he didn't care for your
Captain Kirk joke as much as I did.

You hear that?

I think everybody heard that.

Oh, I blew it.

That's all there is to it. I blew it.
Don't argue with me, kid.

I'm a wimp.

Go ahead and say it.

Okay, you're a wimp. Who asked you?

Wouldn't you be freaking out if your
wife was having a baby?

Heck, I'd freak out if I even had a
wife.

What kind of father am I?

I can't even watch my own kid being
born.

I mean, my kid's gonna hate me.

This whole deal of having a baby.

Big mistake.

You know, I have never gotten one.
People even have.

Hey, everybody knows why you have kids.

You do it to bring somebody into the
world that's part you and part your

Uh -huh.

Yeah. I mean, it's like having somebody
around who can learn from your mistakes.

I mean, like, say, somewhere down the
line, all of a sudden, my kid wants to

say, move to Pittsburgh. I say, no way I
live there.

And if he ever wants to be cool and
smoke, well, tell him.

You ain't gonna do that, pal.

Took me three years to quit.

And if you ever, ever think of quitting
school, it'll be over my dead body.

See, I done that.

And it stinks.

All right, I won't quit.

Sorry, Mike.

Guess I'm not myself today, huh?

Hey, it's okay. I know another father
who yells a little.

Yeah, what am I going to do with this
kid when he wants to make some stupid

mistake?

What are you going to do? You're going
to straighten him out.

He'll just think I'm on his case.

Who cares what he thinks? He's just a
kid. Now, who knows more, you or him?

You're right.

You ought to have a kid.

Kid.

Will you listen to that?

Now, who'd bring a little baby on him?

He's so, so young.

Yeah, isn't he beautiful?

Congratulations, Pop.

Yeah.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

My dad.

I gotta hand it to you, Dad.

You really know what you're doing.

Well, I think we have to give some of
the credit to the mother.

are really something.

Thank you.

Dad, this collared thing, um, you know,
if you think this is really important,

then maybe I should at least give it a
shot.

What's the catch, Mike?

No, no, Dad, there's no catch.

I've just been thinking.

I mean, who knows more, you or me?

Hey, Doc, from now on, we're going to
have all our kids delivered by a

psychiatrist.

He's a psychiatrist?

And in tonight's local news roundup,
drama. This afternoon on what began as a

routine commuter flight to Boston.

Boston? Ben, turn that back.

Boston? Dan and Susan Colombo left New
York as a couple and landed in Boston as

a family.

to a 7 -pound, 12 -ounce, bouncing baby
boy.

Look! It's your dad!

Oh, my!

The newest Columbo was delivered by Dr.
Jason Seaver, who is, of all things, a

psychiatrist. We asked him what it was
like to deliver a baby at 30 ,000 feet.

Well, storks have been doing it for
years.

Hi, Mom!

Hi, Mike!

Hi, Maggie!

Hey, if you think this is news, wait
till I get home.

It gets to be on TV, too.

Mother and baby are doing fine.

Well? Well, I can't argue with you,
Maggie.

I look good.

Well, should I rewind?

No, no, I think three times is enough
for one afternoon.

Well, honey, you know, when I see how
good you look on television, you know

occurs to me? What?

Maybe you've missed your call. No.

You know, I think you'd be great on
television. Did it ever occur to you?

Maggie, I'm perfectly happy doing what
I'm doing.

Just a thought.