All language subtitles for The Last Time You Had Fun (2014)

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[ROCK 'N' ROLL PLAYING]

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[MUSIC FADES]

MOM, AUNT IDA'S HERE!

WHAT'S WRONG?

NOTHING.
I WAS JUST WONDERING

WHY, WHEN WE GET OLDER,
DOES JUST--

EVERYTHING JUST TURNS TO SHIT.

[ROCK 'N' ROLL RESUMES]

-THANK YOU.
-MM-HMM.

SO WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

YOU-- WELL, YOU TOLD ME
TO COME FOR THE WEEKEND.

NEXT WEEKEND.

NO.

-YEAH.
-REALLY? NEXT WEEKEND?

-MM-HMM.
-OH, GOD, ALI. I'M SO SORRY.

I WROTE IT DOWN.
I PUT IT WITH

ALL MY APPOINTMENTS,
AND THEN I--

LOST YOUR PHONE AGAIN?

NO, DON'T BE
SO JUDGMENTAL.

I JUST-- I LEFT IT
AT THE LOFT

WHEN JAKE AND I HAD
THE MAKEUP, BREAKUP,

WHATEVER SEX.

YOU KNOW, I WOULD
LOVE FOR YOU STAY.

I WOULD LOVE NOTHING
MORE THAN THAT,

BUT SIMON HAS
THIS WORK THING,

AND HE'S
PREPARING FOR IT,

AND I'M-- I'M ON SARA DUTY
JUST ALL WEEKEND.

YEAH. NO,
I GET IT TOTALLY.

WE'LL BE LIKE--
WE'LL BE LIKE THE
THREE MUSKETEERS.

THIS IS GOING TO BE REALLY
GOOD FOR ME RIGHT NOW,

AND SHE IS SUCH
A LITTLE ANGEL.

GET IT, BOY.
[DOG SNARLING]

OKAY,
I KNOW THAT I--

I SCARE HER
A LITTLE BIT LATELY.

I KNOW THAT, BUT--

BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE ME
DRIVE BACK TO PALM DESERT.

I CAN'T DO THAT
RIGHT NOW.

YOU CAN STAY IN A HOTEL.

FINE. FINE.

BUT I CAN'T
PROMISE ANYTHING.

OKAY.

NO. WE TALKED
ABOUT THIS.

IF GUYS HAVE A BACHELOR PARTY
WHEN THEY TIE THE KNOT,

THEY SHOULD HAVE AN
EVEN BIGGER PARTY
WHEN THEY CUT THE CORD.

YOU WANT TO THROW ME
A DIVORCE PARTY.

-MM-HMM.
-COOL.

AND AS YOUR
FORMER BEST MAN,

I TOOK IT UPON MYSELF.
IT'S ALL SET UP.

TONIGHT?

[SIGHS] NO.

THANK YOU,
BUT I'LL PASS.

YOU CAN'T PASS.

I RESERVED THE PLAYERS
ROOM AT THE DIRTY BIRDIE.

GROSS. YOU AREN'T ACTUALLY
GOING TO A STRIP CLUB, ARE YOU?

OF COURSE NOT, HONEY.

I DON'T HAVE
A SITTER LINED UP.

DAD, WE DON'T NEED A SITTER.
WE'RE NOT BABIES ANYMORE.

PRECISELY.
NOW GET A MOVE ON, MAN.

THE BOYS ARE WAITING.

WHAT BOYS?

FRED, CARL, SOL,
AND MANNY. THE BOYS.

THOSE ARE
YOUR FRIENDS.

YEAH, THEY'RE MY FRIENDS,
BUT YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY

A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY,
SO I HAD TO IMPROVISE.

I HOPE YOU'RE AWARE THAT
BESIDES OBJECTIFYING WOMEN,

STRIP CLUBS ARE CRAWLING
WITH VENEREAL DISEASES.

CAN I COME?

YOU'RE 10 YEARS OLD.

LET'S TAKE THIS ONE
STEP AT A TIME.

FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS
IS YOU NEED TO CHANGE

OUT OF THESE
DEPRESSING SWEATPANTS.

WHAT'S DEPRESSING
ABOUT MY SWEATPANTS?

CHANNEL 11
DID THIS EXPOSE

ON HOW STRIPPER POLES ARE LIKE
A PETRI DISH FOR VAGINAL FLEAS.

OKAY, DON'T WORRY. I WOULD
NEVER GO TO A STRIP CLUB,

AND LET'S NOT SAY,
"VAGINAL FLEAS."

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE
GOING SOMEWHERE,

BECAUSE THE PARTY
MOBILE IS PAID IN FULL.

-WHOA.
-WHAT?

-YOU'RE SUCH A TOOL.
-YOU REALLY ARE.

SO WHAT DOES
YOUR PREGNANT WIFE

THINK OF THIS NIGHT OF
DEBAUCHERY YOU'VE PLANNED?

YOU KNOW WHAT? SPARE ME THE
MATRIMONY LECTURE, HALF-PINT.

LAST WEEK, DIANE
FARTED ON ME IN BED.

SHE WASN'T EVEN ASLEEP.
SHE WAS READING.

IT WAS A REAL RIPPER, TOO.

I SAID TO HER, "WHY'D
YOU DO THAT TO ME?"

SHE DIDN'T
EVEN APOLOGIZE.

SHE JUST LOOKED
AT ME AND WAS LIKE,

"WELL, I WAS
GONNA ROLL OVER,

BUT IT SEEMED
LIKE TOO MUCH WORK."

MARRIAGE REALLY
SUCKS, DOESN'T IT?

NOT ALWAYS. THERE ARE
PLENTY OF HAPPILY
MARRIED COUPLES OUT THERE.

AS MUCH AS I HATE
TO ADMIT IT,

MAYBE UNCLE WILL
IS RIGHT.

NOT ABOUT THE STRIP
CLUB, OBVIOUSLY,

BUT YOU HAVEN'T BEEN OUT OF THE
HOUSE AFTER SUNSET IN AGES.

YOU'RE LIKE
A REVERSE VAMPIRE.

WE'LL BE FINE HERE
FOR ONE NIGHT.

GO HAVE SOME FUN.

I APPRECIATE IT,

BUT I'M A GROWN-UP,
AND IT ISN'T IMPORTANT

THAT I HAVE FUN ANYMORE.

ONE DRINK
AT A RESPECTABLE PLACE,

AND I'M WEARING
MY SWEATPANTS.

YOU'RE SMART KIDS.

[TAPS ON DOOR]

NO.

[SCOFFS]
I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING YET.

I'M SAVING YOU THE TIME.

I'M AWARE WE AGREED
ON FAMILY DINNERS,

BUT I'M UNDER
THE GUN HERE.

THAT'S NOT ACTUALLY WHAT I
WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

IT'S NOT?

I NEED TO ASK YOU A FAVOR.

CAN IT WAIT
TILL AFTER MONDAY?

IDA'S HERE.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

SHE GOT THE DATE WRONG,
DIDN'T SHE?

DON'T BE SO JUDGMENTAL. YOU
KNOW SHE'S GOING THROUGH

A REALLY HARD TIME
RIGHT NOW.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT SERIOUSLY
THINKING OF LETTING HER STAY,
ARE YOU?

I KNOW IT'S NOT THE MOST
CONVENIENT TIME FOR A VISIT,

BUT THINK OF IT
FROM HER PERSPECTIVE.

OKAY.

I QUIT MY JOB.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE.

AND I MOVED IN
WITH MY MOTHER.

EVERYBODY MAKES A BAD
JUDGMENT CALL NOW AND THEN.

AND I SQUANDER MY DAYS
READING E-MAILS FROM
MY ESTRANGED HUSBAND,

SEARCHING FOR SECRET MEANING

LIKE SOME SORT
OF DEMENTED SCHOLAR.

OKAY, I-- YOU'RE RIGHT.

THERE'S NO WONDER
SHE'S SUCH A MESS.

IT COULD JUST BE
FOR ONE NIGHT.

YOU PUT SARA TO BED.
I'LL TAKE MY SISTER

OUT FOR A DRINK.
SHE'LL TALK MY EAR OFF.

YOU CAN HAVE THE REST OF THE
WEEKEND TO GET YOUR WORK DONE.

BABE, YOU KNOW
I'D LIKE TO HELP, BUT--

I'LL PUT SARA DOWN
EVERY NIGHT THIS WEEK.

AND I'LL GIVE HER HER BATH
TIMES ALL NEXT WEEK, TOO.

AND I'LL GIVE YOU
A BLOW JOB.

WHAT?

REALLY? RIGHT NOW?

NO, NOT RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN, MY SISTER'S OUTSIDE
WATCHING OUR DAUGHTER.

I THOUGHT YOU
COULDN'T SPARE A MINUTE.

WON'T TAKE LONG.

HI. I AM BETTY,

AND I WILL BE YOUR
DRIVER THIS EVENING.

JUST TO SET OUT A FEW GROUND
RULES FOR YOU GENTLEMEN,

NO SMOKING IN THE LIMO,
AND NO DRUG USE.

GOT IT.

AND REMEMBER
OUR MOTTO,

"WHATEVER HAPPENS
IN THE PARTY MOBILE

STAYS IN
THE PARTY MOBILE."

ALL RIGHT.

UNLESS YOU NEED TO
SHIT, PISS, OR PUKE.

IN THAT CASE, PLEASE
ASK ME TO PULL OVER

OR AT LEAST DO IT
OUT THE WINDOW.

OKAY. WE STRIKE YOU AS THE
KIND OF PEOPLE WHO WOULD...

SHIT OUT
A LIMOUSINE WINDOW?

I'M NOT CASTING
ASPERSIONS, SIR,

BUT I HAVE NOTICED WHEN PEOPLE
GO OUT TO HAVE A GOOD TIME,

THEY AREN'T
NECESSARILY THINKING

ABOUT WHO HAS TO
CLEAN UP THE MESS.

THAT PERSON IS ME.

-OKAY.
-OKAY.

THANK YOU.

[WILL]
THIS IS PRETTY SWEET, HUH?

[CLARK]
SMELLS LIKE DRAKKAR NOIR
AND MINT LOLLIPOPS IN HERE.

[WILL]
I THINK THAT'S
PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS.

SO IS THIS, LIKE,
COMPLIMENTARY,

OR IS IT THE WAY THEY
DO IT IN THE HOTEL,

WHERE EVERYTHING'S
EXORBITANTLY MARKED UP?

NO WAY, MAN.
THIS IS A DELUXE PACKAGE.

YOU CAN DRINK
YOURSELF SENSELESS.

I KNOW I PLAN TO.

NO, THANK YOU.

I DON'T WANT TO RISK
CAR SICKNESS.

SUIT YOURSELF.

WHAT ARE THESE?

OH. NICE.

OH, WILL YOU STOP
BEING SUCH A PRUDE?

-THEY ALL HAVE THOSE.
-REALLY?

EVERY LIMOUSINE
IN THE WORLD

HAS A CONCEALED
PROPHYLACTIC REPOSITORY

AND APPARENTLY-- GREAT--
A LUBE COMPARTMENT.

YOU KNOW, YOU MIGHT
FIND THIS HARD TO BELIEVE,

BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE TO
CUT LOOSE EVERY NOW AND THEN.

I'M JUST A LITTLE WORRIED
THAT THEY CUT LOOSE ON THIS
UPHOLSTERY LAST NIGHT.

BETTY, WE'D LIKE TO GO TO
THE DIRTY BIRDIE, PLEASE.

-CLASSY.
-STOP, PLEASE.

-WHAT?
-I'M NOT GOING
TO A STRIP CLUB.

SERIOUSLY? I THOUGHT THAT
WAS JUST FOR THE KIDS.

NO.

-REALLY?
-YES! I'M NOT GOING.

OKAY. ROGER THAT.
[SIGHS]

GOTTA LET THE BOYS KNOW THAT
THEY CAN RAGE ON WITHOUT US.

SO WHERE DO
YOU WANT TO GO?

THIS NIGHT
WAS YOUR IDEA.

OKAY.

MAKE THAT THE ROOSEVELT.

MUCH BETTER CHOICE.

THANK YOU. NOT THAT
I NEED YOUR APPROVAL,

BUT THANK YOU.

GOOD TO KNOW.

[CLARK]
SORRY. CAN YOU STOP AGAIN?

ARE YOU GENTLEMEN
OKAY BACK THERE?

[WILL]
WE JUST NEED A MINUTE.

I KNOW WHAT
THE ROOSEVELT HOTEL IS,

AND IT'S--
IT'S HIP, AND I--

IT'S A HOTEL BAR.

IT'S A HIP HOTEL BAR WITH
JET-SETTERS AND FILM PEOPLE.

WELL, I WARNED YOU NOT
TO WEAR THE SWEATPANTS.

HEY, NO MORE
SWEATPANT COMMENTS.

I WILL GO RIGHT HOME
AND GO TO BED.

YOU GOT IT.

BY THE WAY,
IT'S NOT EVEN 8:00.

GONE TO BED A LOT
EARLIER THAN 8:00.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOUR CHOICE.
YOU PICK THE BAR,

MAYBE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD HERE,
ANYWHERE YOU WANT TO GO.

I DON'T KNOW.

THIS PLACE HAS GOTTEN
SO GENTRIFIED LATELY.

IT'S LIKE NOTHING
BUT YOUNG PEOPLE.

-OH, NO, NOT YOUNG PEOPLE.
- THE OTHER DAY,

I WENT TO A COFFEE SHOP
JUST AROUND THE CORNER,

AND I JUST WANTED TO SIT
AND HAVE A CAPPUCCINO,
GRADE SOME PAPERS.

GREAT STORY, BY THE WAY.

THEY HAD THIS--
THEY HAD ONE OF THOSE
OLD-STYLE PHOTO BOOTHS,

AND INSTEAD OF IT TAKING
PORTRAITS, IT WAS--

THE CAMERA WAS AIMED
LOWER AT CROTCHES,

SO KIDS WERE JUST
GOING IN AND OUT...

-WHY?
-TAKING PICTURES
OF THEIR CROTCH.

'CAUSE THAT'S
WHAT THEY DO.

I DON'T GET IT. THEY
SHOULD POST SIGNS.

THE KIDS TAKING PICTURES
OF THEIR CROTCHES SHOULD
POST A SIGN-

NO, LIKE BARS AND RESTAURANTS.
THE WAY THEY, YOU KNOW,
PUT A SIGN THAT SAYS

YOU HAVE TO BE 21 AND
OVER TO DRINK HERE, THEY
NEED TO PUT A SIGN

THAT SAYS IF YOU'RE OVER A
CERTAIN AGE, YOU'RE GOING TO
BE FEELING OUT OF TOUCH AND--

HAVE YOU HONESTLY NEVER HEARD OF
ANTIDISCRIMINATION LAWSUITS?

BETTY, YOU OBVIOUSLY FREQUENT
A LOT OF WATERING HOLES.

[BETTY] EXCUSE ME?
-"WATERING HOLES"?

WOULD YOU
RECOMMEND A PLACE

WHERE WE COULD JUST SIT
AND HAVE A NICE DRINK

WITH PEOPLE
OUR OWN AGE?

I ONCE HAD A GROUP OF LADIES
FROM THE RED HAT SOCIETY.

I THINK THEY
WENT TO A WINE BAR.

PERFECT. THANK YOU.

THE ANSWER IS NO.

I AM NOT TAKING YOU
TO A WINE BAR

FOR YOUR ONE-AND-ONLY
DIVORCE PARTY. NO WAY.

YOU TOLD ME TO PICK.

YOU CAN'T-- THERE'S--
YOU'RE NOT GONNA FIND IT.

I ALREADY LOOKED
ON YOUR BEHALF.

-YOU'RE NOT GONNA FIND IT.
-I'LL USE YOURS.

THEY NEVER MATCH--
DO THESE ACTUALLY

HAVE TO MATCH UP WITH THE
PERSON'S THING? I NEVER KNOW.

OH, NO, IT WORKS.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

YOU SURE THEY DON'T
HAVE ANYTHING
STRONGER THAN WINE HERE?

HERE AT THIS WINE BAR?

NOT EVERYONE IN THE
WORLD IS A WINE DRINKER.

NO NEED TO GET
SNIPPY ABOUT IT.

YEAH, WELL, CLEARLY
YOU'RE NOT A WINE DRINKER.

YOU KNOW THE BEST THING ABOUT
HANGING OUT WITH MOM IS THAT

NOTHING THIS GIRLIE COULD
EVEN GET ME BUZZED ANYMORE.

I SAID WE COULD GO
SOMEWHERE ELSE.
DO YOU WANT TO?

IT'S NOT THE BAR. IT'S JUST
THAT READING THIS CRAP IS
DRIVING ME CRAZY.

THEN WHY DON'T
YOU STOP, HONEY?

BECAUSE IF I COULD JUST
FIGURE OUT WHAT JAKE WANTED,

THEN, YOU KNOW,
I'D KNOW WHAT TO DO.

WHO CARES WHAT HE WANTS?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WHAT I WANT IS FOR JAKE TO
FEEL BAD FOR HURTING ME.

THEN I WANT HIM TO BEG
FOR MY FORGIVENESS,

AND THEN I WANT HIM TO
DIE IN A GRISLY AND
EMBARRASSING ACCIDENT

INVOLVING, I DON'T KNOW,

LIKE, FARM ANIMALS
AND MASTURBATING.

[BOTH LAUGH]

IT COULD HAPPEN,
I THINK...

-I KNOW. I KNOW.
-FROM THE E-MAILS.

JESUS, WHY ARE MEN
SUCH DIPSHITS?

WELL, THEY AREN'T
ALL DIPSHITS.

SO IT'S JUST
A COINCIDENCE

THAT YOU AND I BOTH
MARRIED DIPSHITS?

-SIMON'S NOT A DIPSHIT.
-OF COURSE NOT.

NO. I MEAN, YOU JUST
HAD TO BLOW HIM...

I SHOULD NEVER
HAVE TOLD YOU THAT.

TO LET YOU
OUT OF THE HOUSE

-FOR ONE NIGHT.
-COME ON.

JUST FACE IT.
MEN ARE SCUM.

LOOK AT SWEATPANTS
OVER THERE.

AWW.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE
AGAINST THAT GUY?

NOTHING.

IT'S JUST THAT HE
HONESTLY BELIEVES

THAT ONE OF US
WOULD REACH OUR HANDS

INTO HIS CRUSTY
GYM ATTIRE

AND MAKE SWEET LOVE
TO HIS PENIS.

OH, MY GOD.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

SERIOUSLY.
LOOK AT HIM.

HE'S BUILDING UP
THE COURAGE

TO COME OVER HERE AND
BUY ONE OF US A DRINK.

NO IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S TRYING TO
FIND WHERE HE LOST HIS KEYS.

NO, THAT'S ALL
PART OF HIS MOVE.

HE STUNS HIS PREY INTO A
FALSE SENSE OF STABILITY,

AND THEN, BAMMO, "GET YOUR
HANDS DOWN MY PANTS, BITCH."

-IDA!
-HI.

DO YOU THINK I COULD
BUY YOU A DRINK?

[WOMEN LAUGH]

TOLD YOU.

BAMMO.

ALL RIGHT.
WAS THAT FUNNY OR...?

I'M SORRY.

NO. THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

BUT WE'RE GOOD ON WINE.
THANKS.

-OKAY.
- WHAT MY SISTER MEANS

IS THAT SHE'S MARRIED,

ALBEIT TO
A WORKAHOLIC DIPSHIT,

AND THE ONLY WAY
I'D SCREW A GUY TONIGHT

WOULD BE TO MAKE MY
SCUMBAG HUSBAND JEALOUS,

AND YOU DON'T REALLY CUT THE
MUSTARD IN THAT DEPARTMENT.

OKAY, WHAT MY SISTER
IS SAYING...

YOU DON'T HAVE TO--

IS THAT SHE KIND OF
HATES MEN RIGHT NOW,

AND SHE'S EXPRESSING THAT
VIA A MORTIFYINGLY

EMBARRASSING SENSE OF
HUMOR WHICH ISN'T FUNNY.

I'M NOT JOKING.

WHO BUYS
A WOMAN A DRINK,

EVEN IN A NEW-AGE
ESTROGEN SHACK LIKE THIS,

IF THEY'RE NOT TRYING
TO GET INTO HER PANTS?

THAT WASN'T WHAT I WAS--
YOU'RE NOT EVEN WEARING PANTS.

OH, I BET YOU
LOVE THAT, DON'T YOU?

YOU KNOW WHAT?
JUST SO YOU KNOW,

THIS WASN'T MY IDEA.

I GOT DIVORCED TODAY,

AND MY FRIEND'S KIND OF
FORCING ME TO HAVE FUN.

AND I TOLD HIM
THAT I NEVER

BOUGHT A WOMAN A DRINK AT
A BAR, AND HE SAID

IF I DID THAT, THAT HE
WOULD LET ME GO HOME.

JUST WANT TO BE ASLEEP.

I MEAN, AS FAR
AS PICKUP LINES GO,

YOU GET POINTS FOR
CREATIVITY, SWEATPANTS.

WASN'T A PICKUP LINE.
MY NAME'S CLARK.

SORRY.

-CLARK, I'M ALISON...
-NICE TO MEET YOU.

AND MY LUNATIC
SISTER IS IDA.

WHAT'S YOUR
FRIEND'S NAME?

WILL.

OH. IS HE
DIVORCED, TOO?

HE'S MARRIED.

-HAPPILY?
- IDA!

DON'T KNOW
IF I'D GO THAT FAR.

[ALISON] THANK YOU SO MUCH...
[CLARK] YEAH.

FOR OFFERING THE DRINK.
WE SHOULD GO.

WHAT? DON'T BE SILLY.
WILL JUST GOT HERE.

HEY.

[IDA]
HI.

SO WE COULD REALLY USE
A MALE PERSPECTIVE

ON ALL OF THIS,

SO WHY DON'T YOU GUYS
TAKE A LOAD OFF

AND BUY US THOSE DRINKS?

OH, YEAH.

WAITRESS.
BAR LADY.

JUST ANOTHER BOTTLE OF
YOUR GIRLIEST WHATEVER.

[WILL]
SO YOU PRINT OUT
ALL YOUR E-MAILS?

[IDA]
YEAH.

OKAY, JUST TO GET THIS
STRAIGHT, THOUGH, I'M SORRY.

YOU STILL HAVE NOT FILED
FOR DIVORCE AFTER THIS?

I'M NOT SURE THAT
I WANT TO THROW AWAY

FOUR YEARS OF MARRIAGE
OVER ONE LITTLE MISTAKE.

THIS SEEMS LIKE
MORE THAN ONE MISTAKE.

THIS READS LIKE A COPY
OF PENTHOUSE FORUM.

-THIS IS CRAZY.
-NO, IT DOESN'T COUNT,

'CAUSE WE WERE
ALREADY SEPARATED,

AND HE DOES THAT STUFF
TO MAKE ME JEALOUS.

I MEAN, MOST OF IT
ISN'T EVEN TRUE.

COME ON. YOU DON'T
ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT.

I MEAN, THE GUY
HIT ON ME ONE TIME.

WHAT GUY HASN'T DRUNKENLY
HIT ON HIS WIFE'S SISTER?

OH.

SO THAT WAS THE MISTAKE?

NO, IT WASN'T
THAT EITHER,

BUT IT'S NOT
ALL JAKE'S FAULT.

I MEAN, HE HAS REASONS.

THE MAN IS
A WALKING ERECTION.

[WILL]
SO WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS HAS GOT TO BE

THE ONE MISTAKE IF
YOU LOOK AT THIS.

THIS IS ACTUALLY
JUST IMPRESSIVE. I MEAN,

HE MIGHT BE A SCUMBAG,
BUT THIS IS IMPRESSIVE.

[CLARK]
IS THAT EVEN PHYSICALLY
POSSIBLE? WHAT ABOUT--

YOU COULD DO THIS. I
HAVEN'T SEEN THIS IN PERSON,
BUT YOU COULD DO THIS.

NO, I HAD A MISCARRIAGE, AND
THEN HE SLEPT WITH MY BOSS.

[WILL]
WHAT?

THAT IS TERRIBLE.

-I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THAT.
-SO SORRY. JEEZ.

I KNOW.
SHE'S NOT EVEN HOT.

SHE HAS THESE
REALLY WEIRD,

LIKE, FLABBY ARMS.
THEY'RE VERY--

RIGHT, BECAUSE THAT'S THE
IMPORTANT PART OF THE STORY.

AND THEN AFTER
SCREWING MY HUSBAND,

FLABBY ARMS CALLS ME INTO
HER OFFICE AND IS, LIKE,

"YOU SHOULD MAYBE
CONSIDERING TRANSFERRING OUT,

BECAUSE WE DON'T WANT
ANY UNNECESSARY TENSION
IN THE WORKPLACE."

WHAT A BITCH.

NO OFFENSE.
SORRY, LADIES.

OH, PLEASE.

WE'VE CALLED HER
WAY WORSE THINGS THAN THAT.

SO THEN
WHAT'D YOU DO?

DID YOU DRAG
HER ASS TO COURT?

DID I HAVE A CASE FOR THAT?

PROBABLY NOT.

HE JUST LIKES TO REMIND
EVERYONE HE'S AN ATTORNEY
EVERY FIVE MINUTES.

SHE DIDN'T TRY
TO DO ANYTHING.

SHE JUST QUIT HER JOB,
LEFT THE CONDO,

DROVE TO OUR ALCOHOLIC
MOTHER'S HOUSE IN PALM DESERT,

AND STARTED DRINKING.

I NEEDED TIME TO FIGURE
OUT MY NEXT MOVE.

WHY DIDN'T YOU
JUST THROW HIS ASS OUT?

THAT'S WHAT I SAID,

ESPECIALLY BECAUSE
SHE IS THE ONE

WHO PUT THE DOWN
PAYMENT ON THE PLACE,

AND HE DOESN'T EVEN
HAVE A REAL JOB.

OKAY, HE HAS A JOB.

SO HE'S A WRITER.

HE'S AN ACTOR.

HE'S AN ACTOR. AH.

CLARK'S EX
IS A THESPIAN.

WELL, THEATER
STUFF MOSTLY.

MM, PEANUT BUTTER
COMMERCIALS MOSTLY.

COMMUNITY THEATER
ONCE. I MEAN...

WAIT, NOT THE PEANUT
BUTTER COMMERCIAL--

-YES.
- THE RED HAIR?

-THE SERIES OF-- YEAH.
-YES.

CAN I ASK YOU
HOW YOU KNEW?

LIKE, WHEN IT WAS
COMPLETELY OVER,

THAT THERE WAS NO CHANCE
OF GETTING BACK TOGETHER

AND THAT YOU HAD
TO FILE FOR DIVORCE?

WELL, IN MY CASE, THERE WAS
NEVER REALLY A QUESTION.

SHE CAME OUT AND TOLD ME SHE
WAS IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE

AND THEY'VE MOVING TO A
BED-AND-BREAKFAST IN MENDOCINO.

[IDA]
AND YOU DIDN'T TRY
TO CHANGE HER MIND?

NO, I TOLD YOU YOU ALWAYS
TELL THE STORY WRONG.

SHE "CAME OUT" AND TOLD HIM
SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE.

[CLARK]
OKAY.

-OH.
-OH.

SOMEONE WITH A VAGINA...

[CLARK]
ALL RIGHT,
THEY GET THE POINT.

BECAUSE SHE
IS A LESBIAN.

[ALISON] OKAY.
[CLARK] YEAH, YOU'RE A JERK.

YOU KIND OF
ARE A JERK.

WHAT I WASN'T EXPECTING
IS THAT SHE DOESN'T
WANT TO SEE THE KIDS.

THAT'S BEEN A REAL--

SHE'S PRETENDING
THEY DON'T EXIST.

BITCH.
NO OFFENSE.

WE'VE CALLED HER WORSE.

I HAVEN'T. I MEAN,

SHE'S OBVIOUSLY
GOING THROUGH SOMETHING.

SHE'S TRYING
TO FIND HERSELF.

WAIT. IS ANYONE ELSE REALIZING
JUST HOW WEIRD THIS IS?

[CLARK]
WHAT?

MARRIED. MARRIED.

DIVORCED.

-SOON TO BE DIVORCED.
-MAYBE.

CHEATING ACTRESS WIFE.
CHEATING ACTOR HUSBAND.

YOGA PANTS.
SWEATPANTS.

LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS.

[ CLARK]
ALL RIGHT,

LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS.

LAME TASTE IN BARS.

STILL SHOPS
AT FOREVER 21.

HAS SHOPPED AT ABERCROMBIE
& FITCH EVER SINCE COLLEGE.

OH, GOD, I HATE THAT PERFUME
MIST THEY JUST SPRAY IN THERE.

HE LOVES IT.
HE PUTS THAT ON.

-MARRIED A LESBIAN.
-WHAT DOES THAT HAVE
TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

I WAS JUMPING--

OOH, I KNOW.
MARRIED A LESBIAN.

PROBABLY A LESBIAN.

I AM NOT A LESBIAN.

ALWAYS HAD
MY DOUBTS.

OKAY, JUST BECAUSE I AM NOT
DRIVEN BY GETTING LAID,

THAT DOES NOT
MAKE ME A LESBIAN.

MAYBE YOU'RE
JUST FRIGID.

[CLARK]
WHOA.

WOW. OKAY, GUY THAT I JUST
MET AT A BAR WHO DOESN'T
KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME,

I AM NOT FRIGID.

NO, IT'S OKAY.
I MEAN, HE'S THE SAME WAY.

NO. NO.

[WILL]
YOU SAID YOU WOULD RATHER

EAT A CLUB SANDWICH THAN SLEEP
WITH A VICTORIA SECRET MODEL.

YOU'VE TAKEN THIS
COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTEXT.

I DON'T THINK THAT THAT'S
A WEIRD THING TO SAY.

I THINK I UNDERSTAND EXACTLY
WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM.

ALL RIGHT,
YOU'RE RIGHT.

THIS IS
A LITTLE EERIE.

I THINK IT'S
MORE THAN EERIE.

I THINK YOU GUYS ARE LIKE
THE BIZARRO VERSION OF US.

MAYBE YOU'RE LIKE...

[TOGETHER]
THE BIZARRO VERSION OF US.

WHAT KIND OF BAR
CLOSES AT 10:00?

FINE. I ADMIT IT.
MY BAR SUCKS.

AH, WE COULD ALWAYS
GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.

SAYS THE PERSON
WHO DOESN'T

HAVE TO GET UP AT
6:00 IN THE MORNING.

OH, JUST ONE MORE DRINK.

I THINK ONE MORE DRINK
SOUNDS GOOD.

YEAH?

-YEAH?
-ALL RIGHT.

IT'S RIGHT
OVER HERE.

AHHH, MAYBE WE SHOULD
JUST TAKE MY CAR.

[WILL]
DOES YOUR CAR HAVE
FREE GASOLINE

AND ALL THE BOOZE
YOU CAN DRINK?

OH, WHEN YOU
PUT IT THAT WAY,

THAT PHALLIC MONSTROSITY
KIND OF SOUNDS MAGICAL.

ALI?

[ROCK 'N' ROLL PLAYING]

OW. OW.

-I'M SORRY.
-OW.

[MUSIC STOPS]

IT ALWAYS LOOKS
SO FUN IN THE MOVIES.

I'M PRETTY SURE
I JUST ATE A FLY.

MAYBE WE'RE TOO OLD
TO HAVE FUN.

WHO YOU CALLING OLD, BUDDY?

OH, I'M SORRY.
MATURE.

MM...

WOULD YOU RATHER ME
CALL YOU IMMATURE?

YOU MIGHT WANT
TO JUST STOP TALKING.

-MM. MM-HMM.
- AND I HAVE TO SAY

I TAKE OFFENSE AT THIS
WHOLE LINE OF REASONING.
I'M STILL FUN,

AND I'M YOUNG. OKAY, WELL,
AT LEAST I'M NOT OLD.

"AND YOU LADIES,
YOU SEEM LIKE YOU'RE FUN,"

HE SAID IN THE LEAST
CREEPY WAY POSSIBLE.

[LAUGHS]
I AM FUN.

YEAH, IF BY FUN,

YOU MEAN
A BITTER, WEEPY MESS.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, I
USED TO BE FUN, RIGHT?

SO MUCH FUN.

BUT EVEN I
USED TO BE FUN.

HEY, NOT AS
RECENTLY AS YOU,

BUT BACK IN MY HEYDAY.
I WAS--

-I WAS NEVER FUN.
- THAT'S NOT TRUE.

YOU USED TO HAVE
THIS WEIRD, FREAKISH LAUGH

WHENEVER YOU HAD FUN.

USED TO DRIVE ME CRAZY.

ME?

[WILL]
YEAH.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I'M SERIOUS. THINK OF
A TIME IN YOUR LIFE

WHEN YOU HAD
A LOT OF FUN.

I'LL GIVE YOU
AN EXAMPLE.

FOR ME, I'D SAY...

WHEN I GRADUATED
FROM LAW SCHOOL.

I SHOULD MENTION AT THIS
POINT THAT HE'S A LAWYER.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
GUYS PICKED THAT UP.

NO, NO, I'M SERIOUS.
I'M SERIOUS. I'M UP THERE

IN THIS GOOFY PURPLE,
YOU KNOW, CAP AND GOWN,

AND I JUST-- I REMEMBER
STANDING UP THERE,

FEELING, LIKE, REALLY FULL
OF HOPE, YOU KNOW?

AND DIDN'T LAST, BUT--

BUT YEAH.

FELT GOOD.

MINE'S A CLICHE,

BUT IT'S TRUE.

WHEN MY--
WHEN MY DAUGHTER WAS BORN.

THE FIRST TIME I SAW HER.

OUR DAUGHTER'S BIRTH WAS A VERY
UNPLEASANT EXPERIENCE FOR ME.

HE VOMITED ALL OVER
THE DELIVERY ROOM.

I WAS NOT TOLD THAT
THE WOMAN DEFECATES

WHILE THE BABY'S
COMING OUT.

REALLY?

YEAH.

MINE WAS DEFINITELY
LOSING MY VIRGINITY.

NOT ME.

ME NEITHER. I DON'T THINK
SHE HAD A GREAT TIME EITHER.

I THREW UP ON THE POOR,
UNFORTUNATE WOMAN

ABOUT HALFWAY
THROUGH.

WE'D BEEN DRINKING,
AND-- YEAH.

SO YOU DO A LOT
OF HURLING.

OH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

DO NOT SIT NEXT TO THIS MAN
ON A BOAT OR A CARNIVAL RIDE.

YEAH,
A REGULAR SEAT, EVEN.

I HAVE A VERY WEAK STOMACH.

HE ONCE BARFED...

IN SCUBA GEAR.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

YEAH, I'VE HAD FUN,
I GUESS.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW-- WELL,
YOU REMEMBER HIGH SCHOOL,

WHEN WE SKIPPED
CLASSES THAT TIME

AND YOU GOT REEFER.

-REEFER?
-WE GOT REEFER?

NOBODY CALLS IT THAT.

I DON'T KNOW.
IT WAS YOU,

ME, AND RHONDA

AND THE GIRL
WITH THE LEG BRACES,

SUE, I THINK
HER NAME WAS.

OH, YEAH. I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

[CLARK]
REALLY?

WHO THE HELL
IS RHONDA?

MAYBE IT WAS MEMORABLE
TO ME AND NOT YOU.

I MEAN,
WE DIDN'T DO MUCH,

I GUESS, NOW THAT
I THINK ABOUT IT.

WE DIDN'T, LIKE, KISS
THE GIRLS OR ANYTHING.

WE JUST HUNG OUT, AND
WE SMOKED MARIJUANA

AND JUST SWAM
IN THE OCEAN,

AND IT WAS...

YEAH.

THAT WAS PROBABLY
THE MOST FUN

I'VE EVER HAD
IN MY LIFE.

WOW, MAN,
THAT'S REALLY SAD.

[CLARK]
YEAH, IT IS REALLY SAD.

I WANT TO DO IT.

YOU WANT
TO SMOKE POT?

-MM-HMM.
-SWIM IN THE OCEAN?

OH, IT'S NOT-- YOU CAN'T EVER
RECREATE THOSE THINGS. IT'S
NOT GONNA BE THE WAY IT WAS.

OF COURSE IT'S NOT
GONNA BE THE SAME,

BUT IT BEATS DRIVING AROUND
IN THIS THING ALL NIGHT.

I'M IN.

OKAY, ME, TOO.

OKAY.

LET'S DO IT.

OKAY.

YOU KNOW, WE COULD HAVE
GONE TO A GAS STATION.

NO.

GAS STATION BATHROOMS
ARE SO SKANKY.

[IDA]
HEY, CAN I BUM ONE OF THOSE?

-ME, TOO?
-REALLY?

YEAH, REALLY? YOU CAN'T
AFFORD YOUR OWN?

I'LL BUY YOU A PACK
AT THE NEXT GAS STATION.

YEP. JUST DON'T
SMOKE IN THE CAR.

[IDA]
YOU WANT--
YOU WANT A LIGHTER?

[LIGHTER FLICKS]

-THAT IS SO GOOD.
-SO GOOD.

THAT'S NOT WHAT
YOUR LUNGS ARE SAYING.

NO, THEY'RE SAYING,

"WHEN DID THE SURGEON GENERAL
START WEARING SWEATPANTS?"

SO WHERE ARE WE
GETTING THE POT?

WHY ARE YOU
LOOKING AT ME?

'CAUSE YOU ALWAYS USED TO
HAVE THAT LITTLE STASH.

I THREW IT OUT
WHEN SARA WAS BORN.

[WILL]
WHAT ABOUT
THAT KID IN YOUR CLASS

USED TO OFFER YOU POT IN
EXCHANGE FOR A BETTER GRADE?

WANT ME TO CALL UP A
STUDENT AT 11:00 AT NIGHT

AND BARTER HIGHER
GRADES FOR MARIJUANA?

YOU COULD TEXT HIM.

ARE YOU
A TEACHER?

[CLARK]
YEAH, HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH.

OH, WHERE?

WESTSIDE PREPARATORY
ACADEMY.

[ALISON]
PRESTIGIOUS.

I USED TO-- I USED TO
TEACH HISTORY AT COOLIDGE.

OH, I KNOW THAT
VERY WELL.

THEY HAVE
AN EXCELLENT A.P. PROGRAM.

YEAH, IT IS A REALLY
GOOD A.P. PROGRAM.

WHERE ARE WE
GETTING THE POT?

WHY DON'T WE
ASK JAKE?

ONE OF HIS MANY
FANTASTIC CHARACTERISTICS,

HER SOON-TO-BE
EX-HUSBAND

IS ALSO A PART-TIME
DRUG DEALER.

NO, HE'S NOT
A DRUG DEALER.

HE SOLD A LITTLE BIT OF
POT TO SOME ACTING CLASS
BUDDIES, LIKE, YEARS AGO.

[ALISON]
HE ALWAYS
HAS DRUGS AROUND.

-THAT'S A CATCH.
- ...PART OF HIS
COOL-GUY SHTICK.

IT'S NOT A SHTICK.
HE'S GENUINELY VERY COOL.

GREAT. WELL, THEN, MAYBE
HE'LL GIVE DRUGS TO US.

NO, WE'RE NOT GETTING
DRUGS FROM THAT LOSER, OKAY?

AND I THINK WE'RE BEING A
LITTLE CONVOLUTED ABOUT THIS.

THERE ARE TONS
OF MARIJUANA DISPENSARIES

ALL OVER THE CITY.

WE NEED A PRESCRIPTION
FOR THAT, THOUGH.

OKAY. GREAT. GOT IT.

[WILL]
YOU'RE A DOCTOR?

PEDIATRIC SURGEON.

OH, YOU THOUGHT I WAS
JUST SOME DUMB BLONDE?

-NO.
[ALISON] DON'T WORRY.
IT'S WHAT SHE'S GOING FOR.

[IDA] CAN WE NOT RIGHT NOW?
[ALISON]
SHE THINKS THAT MEN

ARE INTIMIDATED BY
INTELLIGENT WOMEN,

AND SO SHE
PLAYS DUMB,

AND SHE'S DONE IT
OUR WHOLE LIVES,

EVER SINCE
WE WERE KIDS.

OKAY, WHAT MY SISTER
CAN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND

IS THAT I LIKE
TO DRESS SEXY.

I LIKE MY BODY.
I FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT.

I DON'T DO IT TO SEEK
THE APPROVAL OF MEN.

[CHUCKLES]

[ALISON]
WHAT?

NOTHING.

CAN WE ALL JUST BE QUIET,
SO I CAN FOCUS, PLEASE?

WAIT . CAN A PEDIATRICIAN
EVEN WRITE A PRESCRIPTION
FOR MARIJUANA?

IT'S A POT SHOP.
I MEAN...

HOW RIGOROUS
ARE THEY GONNA BE?

-YEAH.
-I ACTUALLY HAVE NO IDEA

HOW POT SHOPS WORK,
SO I DON'T KNOW.

I.D.

YEAH.

TAKE IT OUT?

YEAH, I'D PREFER IF YOU
TOOK IT OUT. THANKS.

THE GENERIC OKAY?

YEAH.

OKAY.

ONE QUICK QUESTION.

DID A REAL DOCTOR
WRITE THIS?

OF COURSE A REAL
DOCTOR WROTE THAT.

BECAUSE THE
HANDWRITING IS TERRIBLE.

WELL, EVERYONE KNOWS
THAT A PHYSICIAN'S SKILLS

ARE INVERSELY
PROPORTIONAL TO HOW BAD
HER HANDWRITING IS,

THAT'S RIGHT.

SHE MUST BE AN
AMAZING PHYSICIAN.

SHE'S THE BEST.

THE BEST.

SPELLED YOUR NAME WRONG,
THOUGH.

OH, NO, SHE-- SEE,
SHE CROSSED IT OUT,

AND THEN SHE GOT IT
RIGHT UNDER THERE.

SHE GOT IT RIGHT
THE SECOND TIME.

WEIRD THING. DON'T PEDIATRICIANS
USUALLY ONLY TREAT CHILDREN?

MM, PEDIATRIC SURGEON.

SAME THING.

NO, IT'S NOT REALLY
THE SAME THING.

SHE'S MY DOCTOR.
SHE'S TREATING ME

BECAUSE I'M
EMOTIONALLY A CHILD.

AN INFANT. HE'S
EMOTIONALLY AN INFANT.

-I'M STUNTED.
-IS VERY STUNTED.

SOUNDS COMPLEX.

LOOK, I'M NOT TRYING TO
BE A DICK HERE, GUYS,

BUT WE'VE BEEN INVESTIGATED
LATELY BY THE STATE.

THEY'VE BEEN SENDING IN A
LOT OF UNDERCOVER COPS

TO HARASS US.

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

YEAH, IT'S TERRIBLE.

YOU DON'T-- YOU DON'T
THINK WE'RE COPS, DO YOU?

NO. WE'RE NOT--
WE'RE NOT POLICE OFFICERS.

LOOK, MAYBE YOU ARE,
MAYBE YOU AREN'T,

BUT ANY LAW OFFICER WOULD
UNDERSTAND THAT WE'RE

A LICENSED DISPENSARY,
A MEDICAL FACILITY,

THAT CANNOT SELL TO SOMEONE
WHO HAS BEEN DRINKING.

NO, HE'S NOT DRUNK.
HE'S JUST ACTING THIS WAY
BECAUSE OF THE PAIN.

-WHAT--
- IN HIS BACK,

WHICH IS WHY HE NEEDS
A MARIJUANA PRESCRIPTION.

[GROANS]
I'VE GOT PAIN IN MY BACK,

AND I GOT A PRESCRIPTION
FROM MY PEDIATRIC SURGEON
TO TREAT THE PAIN.

I'M LOVING
THE SHOW HERE, OFFICERS,

BUT AS YOU CAN SEE,
WE'RE VERY BUSY, SO I'D LIKE
TO GET BACK TO WORK.

WE'RE NOT COPS.

[EMPLOYEE]
DENYING THAT YOU'RE A COP

IS THE FIRST THING
THAT COPS DO, OKAY?
I KNOW MY RIGHTS, SO...

-WOULD A COP DO THIS?
-OH.

NOT--
MAYBE IN A PORNO.

-I DON'T THINK
THAT'S REALLY--
-YEAH, I KNOW.

SO WHY DON'T WE JUST
FILL THE PRESCRIPTION?

-CAN YOU DO THAT AGAIN?
-YEAH, NO.

I COULD MAYBE--
I COULD KICK YOU
IN THE TESTICLES.

COULD DO THAT.

I'LL CALL IT IN.

YEAH. THAT'S
A GOOD CHOICE.

WHAT ARE YOU--
I MEAN--

[IDA]
GETTING YOU
A PRESCRIPTION.

YOU'RE GONNA
GET ME ARRESTED.

-OH, REALLY?
-HE'S GOT MY I.D.

THAT'S GONNA
GET YOU ARRESTED?

-HE'S SEEN MY I.D.
-YOU'RE FINE.

AND THEY'RE CLOSED.

YOU WANT TO CALL
HER EMERGENCY NUMBER?

NO. IT'S VERY LATE.

I TOLD YOU SHE'S REALLY
COMMITTED TO HER PATIENTS.

[EMPLOYEE]
OKAY. SURE.

I-I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

-I'M GONNA GO OUTSIDE.
-YOU'RE GONNA--

I THINK YOU'LL
BE OKAY, LAWYER.

-YOU'RE GONNA GO OUTSIDE?
-YOU'RE A LAWYER, AREN'T YOU?

IT'S A SERVICE. THEY'RE
PATCHING ME THOUGH.

YOU FROM THE AREA?

FROM RIGHT-- OKAY.

[EMPLOYEE]
HI. YEAH, THIS--

OKAY, YOU WERE
JUST IN HERE.

YOU DON'T NEED
TO DISGUISE YOUR VOICE.

YEAH. OKAY, BOOB LADY,
I KNOW IT'S YOU.

OKAY, I CAN SEE YOU
STANDING OUTSIDE.

YEAH, THAT'S A CAMERA.

OKAY. THANKS.

SHE WANTS YOU
TO GO OUTSIDE.

[ALISON]
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU
FLASHED A TOTAL STRANGER.

[WILL]
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU FLASHED HIM

AND THEN HE STILL
WOULDN'T GIVE US THE POT.

I THINK I'M
LOSING MY TOUCH.

NOT FROM WHERE
I WAS STANDING.

HMM.

-THANK YOU.
-OH, RIGHT,

BUT YOU'RE NOT SEEKING
ANY MALE ATTENTION, RIGHT?

ENOUGH, ALISON.

I FLASHED A GUY.

IT'S NOT LIKE
I BLEW HIM.

DON'T. DO NOT
START THAT RIGHT NOW.

START WHAT?

IS THERE
A BLOW JOB STORY HERE

THAT NEEDS TO BE TOLD?
YOU KNOW?

I'M, YOU KNOW, JUST ASKING
FOR A FRIEND, BUT...

HE LOVES A GOOD
BLOW JOB STORY.

YOU'RE NOT CURIOUS?

[ALISON]
OKAY, OKAY.

FINE. YOU WANT TO KNOW
THE SHOCKING TRUTH?

I GAVE MY HUSBAND
A BLOW JOB.

OH, MY GOD.
ISN'T THAT CRAZY?

WHEN IN THE HISTORY
OF THE WORLD

HAS A WIFE EVER GIVEN
HER HUSBAND A BLOW JOB?

[WILL]
IN MY CASE,
IT'S BEEN, I THINK,

SINCE THERE WAS A
REPUBLICAN IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

IT WASN'T A VERY
FREQUENT OCCURRENCE

AT OUR HOUSEHOLD EITHER,
SHOCKINGLY ENOUGH.

-I BLEW JAKE ALL THE TIME.
-OF COURSE YOU DID.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

SPEAK OF THE DIPSHIT.

DON'T. PLEASE STOP
CALLING HIM THAT.

OKAY.

HELLO.

YEAH, EVERYTHING'S GREAT.

IDA AND I ARE
JUST AT A WINE BAR.

NO, I'M NOT COMING HOME
JUST 'CAUSE OUR DAUGHT--

WELL, I'M NOT COMING HOME
BECAUSE OF THAT.

I'M SURE
SHE WANTS YOU TO S--

NO, I'M IN A PUBLIC PLACE
RIGHT NOW.

DON'T PUT ME ON SPEAKER.
HI, SWEETIE.

HI.

I KNOW.
I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

GOOD JOB.

SHH. OF COURSE I WILL.

♪ GOOD-BYE

♪ SO LONG,
FAREWELL, MY POO ♪

♪ GOOD-BYE,
SO LONG, FAREWELL ♪

♪ GOOD-BYE TO PEE-PEE,
GOOD-BYE TO POO-POO ♪

♪ GOOD-BYE,
SO LONG, FAREWELL ♪

♪ I'LL SEE YOU SOON
AGAIN, MY POO ♪

♪ SO GOOD-BYE,
SO LONG, FAREWELL. ♪

I LOVE YOU,
TOO, SWEETIE.

GOOD NIGHT.

SO WHAT THE
HELL WAS THAT?

JUST SOMETHING
MY DAUGHTER LIKES.

SHE LIKES YOU
TO SERENADE HER CRAP?

DID-- I DID
SOMETHING LIKE THAT

WHEN MY KIDS
WERE LITTLE, TOO.

[ALISON]
THANK YOU.

I MEAN, NOT EXACTLY LIKE
THAT. THAT WAS A LITTLE--
BUT I MEAN--

SHE'S FIVE.

[ALISON]
SHE'LL TIRE
OF IT SOON.

MAYBE. MAYBE.
OR MAYBE YOU'LL BE

SKYPING WITH HER
WHEN SHE'S IN COLLEGE

AND SINGING HER ROCK
OPERAS TO HER BEER SHITS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T FEEL LIKE I HAVE

TO EXPLAIN MYSELF
WITH THIS, AND I FEEL--

I FEEL LIKE THIS NIGHT
WAS A BAD IDEA,

-AND I'D LIKE TO GO HOME NOW.
-NO WAY.

OH, COME ON.

[IDA]
IF ANYBODY IN THE
HISTORY OF THE PLANET

NEEDS A NIGHT OUT,

IT'S THE FOUR OF US,
SO YOU KNOW WHAT?

ACTUALLY, HEY,
CAN YOU TAKE US

TO 1455 MOLINO
DOWNTOWN?

ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH. SCREW IT.

YEAH, SCREW IT.

WHAT'S--
WHAT IS IT?

[JAZZ PLAYING]

SO YOU'RE GONNA WANT
TO TAKE THE STAIRS,

BECAUSE A CAT LADY
DIED IN THE ELEVATOR,

AND THEY NEVER REALLY
GOT THE SMELL OUT.

HE'S NOT GONNA
BE HERE, RIGHT?

NO, GOD, NO. HE'S AT,
LIKE, YOGA OR THE BAR.

AH, A RENAISSANCE MAN.

NO, IT'S ONLY
FOR THE PUSSY.

THE DRUGS ARE IN A
SHOEBOX UNDER THE BED.

RIGHT, AND YOU'RE SURE YOU
DON'T WANT TO DO THIS?
IT'D BE FASTER.

NO. I CAN'T.
IF I GO UP THERE,

IT'LL REALLY MESS WITH MY
HEAD. PLUS, WHAT IF HE'S HOME?

EH, YOU SAID HE
WASN'T GONNA BE HOME.

I CAN'T RISK IT.
THE LAST TIME I SAW HIM,

MY CLOTHES WERE OFF IN, LIKE, 10
SECONDS FLAT. DON'T SAY IT.

SAY WHAT?

JUST WHATEVER YOU'RE
THINKING, JUST DON'T SAY IT.

OKAY.

OKAY.

SORRY.

LET'S GO.

[JAZZ RESUMES]

-YOU COMING?
-THIS IT? YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T
BE TRYING SO HARD
OUT THERE WITH THEM.

-IT'S A LITTLE BIT--
-WHO?

WELL, WHO DO
YOU THINK?

YOU KNOW IT DOESN'T
MATTER WHAT YOU DO. IT'S
NOT LIKE THEY'RE GONNA,

YOU KNOW,
SCREW YOU TONIGHT.

EASY, TIGER. I'VE NEVER
CHEATED ON MY WIFE

OR ANY OTHER WOMAN FOR
THAT MATTER. I'M NOT
ABOUT TO START NOW.

-I KNOW. I'M JUST--
-I JUST LIKE TO TALK BIG.

WELL, I KNOW THAT,
TOO.

MMM.

[SIGHS]

MOM'S REALLY STARTING
TO WEAR OFF ON YOU.

SHE'S NOT THAT BAD.

SHE'S NOT
A ROLE MODEL EITHER.

I KNOW THAT.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD SLOW
DOWN JUST A LITTLE BIT,

YOU KNOW, SO YOU'RE
STILL SEMICONSCIOUS

WHEN OUR NEW
FRIENDS GET BACK.

WHY DON'T YOU WORRY
ABOUT YOURSELF?

'CAUSE I'M--
I'M NOT HERE
TO IMPRESS ANYONE.

BUT YOU MIGHT
HAVE A CHANCE.

WITH IDA?

I DON'T THINK YOU'VE
BEEN LISTENING TO HER.

SHE'S REALLY
NOT INTO ME.

NO, NO, NO. ALISON.

ONCE YOU GET PAST

ALL THAT REPRESSED
SOCCER MOM CRAP,

SHE'S KIND OF
A KNOCKOUT.

SHE'S KIND OF MARRIED.
HERE.

YEAH.
SOUNDS PRETTY MISERABLE.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S BEEN
A LOT OF BLOW-JOB TALK.

I'D SAY YOU HAVE
BETTER THAN AVERAGE ODDS

OF GETTING AT LEAST SOME
OF THAT ACTION TONIGHT.

I COULD NEVER MESS AROUND
WITH A MARRIED WOMAN.

YEAH. I KNOW
WHAT YOU MEAN.

[DOOR CREAKING]

OH. [CHUCKLES]

WOW.

YOU DON'T THINK WE GAVE THEM
THE IMPRESSION THAT...

ANYTHING WAS GONNA
HAPPEN TONIGHT, RIGHT?

WHAT, LIKE SEXUALLY?

[CHUCKLES]
NO.

I MEAN, UNLESS YOU WANT
SOMETHING TO HAPPEN.

IDA, I'M MARRIED.

SO AM I.

WELL, YEAH,
TECHNICALLY, BUT...

I TOOK MY WEDDING VOWS
JUST LIKE YOU DID,

AND UNTIL
I FILE FOR DIVORCE,

I PLAN TO KEEP 'EM.

I MEAN,
IF I WAS GONNA CHEAT,

I THINK I COULD DO A LITTLE
BETTER THAN A LAWYER.

[LAUGHS]
WHAT ABOUT SWEATPANTS?

HE'S KINDA CUTE...

IN, LIKE, A DROWNING
PUPPY KIND OF WAY.

YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

[BOTH LAUGH]

YOU KNOW, THE GREAT THING
ABOUT TONIGHT IS THAT

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,

IT'S NOT
GONNA BE ANY SEX.

[JAZZ RESUMES]
[CLUNK]

[CLARK]
THERE'S A STEP THERE.

ANOTHER ONE. HOW MANY
STEPS THIS PLACE HAVE?

OH.
[WOMAN SQUEALS]

[YELLING]

SHIT. WHO ARE YOU GUYS?

[CLARK]
I'M SO SORRY.
WE'RE JUST, UH--

I'M CLARK,
AND THIS IS WILL.

HEY. WE'RE JUST LEAVING.

THAT DOES NOT RING
ANY BELLS WITH ME.

WHOA. WHOA, WHOA. EASY,
EASY. HEY, I'M AN ATTORNEY.

THIS IS OBVIOUSLY AN
INCONVENIENT TIME
FOR YOU GUYS.

-LET'S GO. LET'S GO.
-WE WILL GET GOING.

OKAY, BUT BEFORE
YOU GET GOING,

WILL YOU TELL ME
WHY YOU'RE IN MY LOFT?

YOUR WIFE IDA
SENT US UP.

[CLARK]
IT'S A WHOLE--YEAH.

-YOU'RE MARRIED?
-SEPARATED.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

IT'S AN EMOTIONAL
ROLLER COASTER.

IT REALLY IS, ISN'T IT?

[WILL]
SO SORRY.

WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.

HOW'S IDA DOING
THESE DAYS?

[CLARK]
UM...

HOW IS--
WELL, TRUTHFULLY,

SHE'S BURYING A LOT
OF STUFF. I THINK SHE'S
COVERING A LOT UP...

I DON'T THINK HE NEEDS A WHOLE
PSYCHOLOGICAL BREAKDOWN.

NO, NO, IT'S COOL.
I WANT TO KNOW.

HEY, GUY, HI. CAN WE MAYBE HAVE
THIS DISCUSSION ANOTHER TIME?

THIS IS JUST GONNA
TAKE A FEW MINUTES.
BUT SERIOUSLY

IDA'S NOT RETURNING MY
E-MAILS ANYMORE. DO YOU
KNOW IF SHE'S GETTING THEM--

I WOULD NOT GET INTO THE WHOLE
E-MAIL SITUATION WITH YOU...

I THINK SHE'S...

WE REALLY HAVEN'T
KNOWN HER THAT LONG,

AND I THINK WE PROBABLY
NEED TO GET GOING.

YOU'VE KNOWN HER LONG ENOUGH
TO GET THE KEYS TO OUR LOFT.

SHE WANTED
MARIJUANA FROM YOU,

AND SHE SENT US UP--

[WILL[
WHY DON'T WE
JUST GET GOING?

OKAY. OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.

THAT MAKES
MORE SENSE.

SHE WON'T
RETURN MY LETTERS,

BUT SHE'LL SEND
2 RANDOM DUDES...

-CLARK,
-YOU DON'T--

I DON'T KNOW IF
WE'RE RANDOM DUDES.

OH, NO OFFENSE.

YOU GUYS JUST SEEM TO BE
RANDOM TO ME. GIRLS?

-RANDOM.
-DEFINITELY.

GIVE IDA MY REGARDS,
WILL YOU?

OH. OKAY. I GUESS--
THIS IS A LOT.

I DON'T KNOW IF
WE NEED ALL THIS.

DO YOU WANT ME
TO TAKE IT BACK?

NO. THIS IS GOOD.
THANKS.

OKAY. ALTHOUGH, DO YOU HAVE,
LIKE, SOMETHING TO SMOKE--
PAPE--

-A BONG.
-A BOWL.

-SMALL BONG OR SOMETHING.
-YEAH.

A SMOKING THING.
HERE'S A VARIETY

OF THEM ON MY TABLE.
WOULD YOU LIKE ONE?

NOT THAT. THAT'S A FAMILY
HEIRLOOM, YOU JACKASS.

JUST GRAB THIS.
THANKS.

SORRY FOR
INTERRUPTING YOUR ORGY.

-READY?
-YOU GUYS LOOK SO--

ACTUALLY, WHILE I'M HERE,
CAN I ASK YOU...

-NO.
- A QUICK QUESTION?

YOU GUYS ARE
BOTH BISEXUAL?

STOP ASKING
QUESTIONS.

CAN YOU JUST TELL ME

WHEN DID YOU DISCOVER

THAT YOU WERE...

YOU KNOW,
GOOD WITH WOMEN
OR THAT YOU LIKED WOMEN?

HE'S NOT TRYING
TO BE SLEAZY.

HIS WIFE LEFT HIM
FOR A WOMAN.

-REALLY?
-OHH.

OH, SHIT. BUMMER, DUDE.
DO YOU WANT TO SIT DOWN?

-REALLY?
-OKAY...

THANK YOU.

IT'S THE NOT KNOWING
THAT'S THE HARDEST PART.

DID SHE KNOW
THE WHOLE TIME?

DID IT JUST HAPPEN
ONE DAY, OR WHAT?

WAS SHE PRETENDING I WAS
A WOMAN THE WHOLE TIME?

YOU SHOULD ASK HER.

YOU KNOW,
SPEAKING FOR MYSELF,

I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT
THAT WOMEN'S BODIES

WERE BEAUTIFUL, BUT
I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW

HOW I FELT ABOUT IT
UNTIL I TRIED IT.

ME NEITHER. I'M SURE YOUR WIFE
THOUGHT SHE WAS STRAIGHT,

BUT ONCE SHE LET HERSELF GO
THERE, SHE REALIZED SHE WASN'T.

YEAH. I MEAN, NO ONE'S
REALLY STRAIGHT, ANYWAY.

- THAT'S TRUE.
-IT'S TRUE.

NO, I'M PRETTY SURE I'M
DEFINITELY STRAIGHT.

OH, DON'T BE SILLY.

SEXUALITY IS LIKE
A COLOR SPECTRUM.

NO ONE'S REALLY ON ONE
SIDE OR THE OTHER.

EVERYONE'S SOMEWHERE IN
BETWEEN, LIKE DIFFERENT SHADES.

GUESS THAT MAKES ME
100% SHADE OF STRAIGHT.

WOW, MAN.
HAVE YOU EVER TRIED IT?

BEING WITH A GUY?

NO. HAVE YOU?

SURE, FEW TIMES.

IT'S HOW I TOTES
KNOW I'M STRAIGHT.

[WILL]
AFTER A FEW TIMES?

YEAH. THAT'S THE THING. GUYS
THINK IT'S TOTALLY NORMAL,

EVEN HOT FOR WOMEN
TO EXPERIMENT WITH
THEIR BISEXUALITY,

-IN HIGH SCHOOL, COLLEGE...
-RIGHT, RIGHT.

OR IN YOUR SITUATION.

AFTER 13 YEARS
OF MARRIAGE?

THEY'RE ALL
IN THAT MARRIAGE.

BUT THEN THOSE SAME GUYS
ARE SO ARROGANT

THAT THEY TURN AROUND,
SAY, "NO, NO, NO.

I KNOW I'M TOTALLY
STRAIGHT," WITHOUT CHECKING.

[CLARK]
YEAH.

[JAKE]
IT'S BULLSHIT.

YEAH. LIKE IT
COULD HAVE BEEN ME

AS MUCH AS IT COULD
HAVE BEEN HER, RIGHT?

LIKE THERE'S--
THERE'S A WORLD

WHERE I'M THE ONE
THAT FINDS OUT HE'S GAY

LATER IN LIFE, RIGHT?
IF-- YOU KNOW?

BUT YOU'RE NOT GAY.

[CLARK]
NO, I'M JUST SAYING
HOW CAN WE BE SURE?

[WILL]
OK, YOUR FASHION SENSE
FOR STARTERS.

OH, GOD,
THAT'S SUCH A STEREOTYPE.

[GIRL 2]
THEY'RE IN DENIAL.

I WAS THINKING
THE SAME THING.

YOU CAN'T REALLY KNOW
UNTIL YOU TRIED IT, MAN.

I'M THINKING YOU GUYS
SHOULD MAKE OUT.

NO. WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR
A LONG TIME. IT'D BE WEIRD.

YEAH.

I MEAN, EVEN IF I WAS GAY,
HE WOULDN'T BE MY TYPE.

EXCUSE ME. WHAT IS THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

AND...

I'LL MAKE OUT WITH YOU
IF YOU WANT.

REALLY?

YEAH.

[WILL]
Y-YOU'RE GONNA
KISS THIS GUY?

YOU BEING SERIOUS
RIGHT NOW?

[CLARK]
NO, THIS IS A GOOD--
THIS IS...

[JAKE]
JUST LET IT HAPPEN.

CLARK.

WOW.

SO...?

[[VOMITS]
- [JAKE] OH, SHIT.

OH, GOD.

THAT'S NOT COOL, MAN.

[COUGHS]
YOU SURE WE SHOULDN'T WAIT

TILL WE GET OUT THERE
WITH THEM?

NAH,
THEY'LL BE FINE.

BESIDES, DO YOU REALLY
WANT TO BE SOBER

WHEN YOU TELL IDA THAT YOU
MADE OUT WITH HER HUSBAND?

I'M NOT TELLING HER.

HE'S PROBABLY
E-MAILING HER

THE JUICY DETAILS
RIGHT NOW.

YOU MIGHT WANT
TO TELL HER.

YOU THINK I'M HOMOPHOBIC?

BECAUSE YOU
MADE OUT WITH A GUY?

NO, 'CAUSE I MADE OUT
WITH A GUY...

FUCK.
AND THEN THREW UP.

THAT'S REALLY RUDE.

THIS GUY WAS
GOING OUT OF HIS WAY

TO DO SOMETHING NICE
FOR ME,

AND I FEEL BAD,
'CAUSE HE WAS ACTUALLY--

THAT GUY WAS AWESOME.

HE WAS COOL,
AND IT DID...

I SHOULD APOLOGIZE
TO HIM A LITTLE.

LISTEN. TAKE MY WORD.
NO ONE IN THAT APARTMENT

EVER WANTS TO SEE
YOUR FACE AGAIN.

IT'S NOT A GOOD MEMORY FOR
THEM, WHAT WE DID IN THERE.

I TEND TO HAVE
THAT EFFECT ON PEOPLE.

LITTLE BIT.

[COUGHS]

CAN I ASK YOU
SOMETHING?

I REALLY DON'T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT KISSING THAT GUY.

NO, IT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT THE
OTHER TIME YOU THREW UP.

YOU GOTTA BE
MORE SPECIFIC.

CHILDBIRTH...

IS IT REALLY
THAT HORRIBLE?

THE GOOD NEWS IS

YOU'RE NOT THE ONE
THAT HAS TO DO IT.

AND JUST DON'T LET HER
SEE THAT YOU'RE SCARED,

AND THAT'S
ABOUT ALL YOU CAN DO.

OH, AND DON'T LET ANYONE
CONVINCE YOU TO EAT
THE PLACENTA AFTERWARDS.

I'M BEING SERIOUS, MAN.
I MEAN,

I JUST-- LOOK, I GUESS IT'S
JUST, LIKE, AFTER THE BIRTH,

YOU KNOW, OKAY,
SHE HAS THE KID,

BUT THEN THEY GIVE YOU
THIS SOFT-SKULLED,

SLIPPERY, SLIMY,
LITTLE MUTANT,

- KIND OF HAND IT TO YOU.
- A BABY.

YEAH, THAT'S
WHAT I SAID.

WELL, ARE YOU ASKING
FOR PARENTING ADVICE?

YES, I AM. I GUESS, YES,

I AM ASKING YOU
FOR PARENTING ADVICE.

WELL, THE FIRST THING
YOU SHOULD KNOW

IS THAT YOUR LIFE,
AS YOU KNOW IT, IS--
YOU KNOW, IS DONE.

FANTASTIC.

I'M SERIOUS,

AND IT WON'T
MATTER TO YOU,

BECAUSE EVERYTHING THAT
YOU FELT WAS IMPORTANT

WILL NO LONGER
BE IMPORTANT.

FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN YOUR LIFE,

YOU WILL KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO REALLY LOVE SOMEONE.

SOUNDS PRETTY SPECIAL.

YEAH. IT HAS ITS MOMENTS.

I HOPE SO.

[CLARK]
AND, YOU KNOW, I TOTALLY
GET WHAT YOU'RE SAYING

ABOUT HIM BEING
GENUINELY COOL.

[WILL]
DEFINITELY.

I FELT COOL JUST BEING
NEXT TO THE GUY.

- AND THE TWO WOMEN
HE WAS WITH...
- RADIANT GODDESSES.

I THINK WE'VE GOTTEN
THE POINT. THANKS.

NOBODY COVERED UP.
NOBODY COVERED UP.

I KEPT EXPECTING SOMEBODY
TO PUT SOMETHING ON.

THEY WERE JUST
TOTALLY COMFORTABLE NAKED.

[CLARK]
I THINK WHEN YOU'RE
THAT PERFECT...

- NUDE.
- YEAH, YOU DON'T EVEN

CARE ABOUT NUDITY.
YOU'RE NEVER EMBARRASSED,

AND YOU'RE SO COMFORTABLE
WITH YOUR BODY.

- IF ONLY I COULD--
- OKAY!

[CLARK]
JESUS.

SOMETHING WRONG?

NO, NOTHING IS WRONG.
YOU JUST--

YOU JUST WATCHED
MY HUSBAND

HAVE A RADIANT GODDESS
THREESOME.

THEN YOU
FRENCH-KISSED HIM,

LEFT US IN THE CAR
WHILE YOU SMOKED
YOURSELVES BRAIN-DEAD.

NO, N-NOTHING'S WRONG.

WHOA, HOLD UP.
IN CLARK'S DEFENSE,

THERE WAS NOT NEARLY
ENOUGH TONGUE

FOR THAT TO BE CONSIDERED
A BONA FIDE FRENCH KISS.

- THAT WAS--
- YEAH, THANK YOU.

- THAT WAS...
- EXPERIMENTAL.

I MEAN, IT WAS LIKE
A LITTLE BIT...

- AT BEST...
- A PECK.

YEAH,
BUT WE HONESTLY

DIDN'T THINK THAT YOU WOULD
THINK ANYTHING OF THIS.

I MEAN, AFTER READING
ALL THOSE E-MAILS,

THIS IS TAME
IN COMPARISON.

OKAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M CALLING
FOR CHINESE FOOD.

WHAT'S IT LOOK
LIKE I'M DOING?

HONEY, DON'T DO THAT.
JUST TAKE A SECOND.

SERIOUSLY, TAKE--
JUST TAKE A BIG BREATH.

HE'S PROBABLY
NOT GONNA PICK UP.

YEAH, HE'S PROBABLY
BUSY UP THERE.

HE'S GOT HIS HANDS FULL,
I'D SAY, WITH--

OH, MY GOD. CAN YOU
STOP THE CAR, PLEASE?

I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR
THE ANSWERING MACHINE.

SO I'M JUST GONNA KEEP
CALLING UNTIL YOU PICK UP.

HI.

NO, LET ME JUST START
THE CONVERSATION

BY SAYING FUCK YOU.

CAN'T BELIEVE
HE PICKED UP.

I BET HE'S
REGRETTING IT NOW.

YOU ARE SUCH AN INFANT.

IF YOU'RE TRYING
TO GET BACK AT ME,

LIKE, WOW, WOW, JAKE,
YOU REALLY SHOWED ME.

WAIT. WHY IS HE
GETTING BACK AT HER?

- I THOUGHT--
- EXCUSE ME.

LITTLE LESS EAVESDROPPING,
MAYBE, WOULD BE NICE.

YEAH, BUT SHE LEFT
THE DOOR OPEN, SO I MEAN...

...HE LOVES ME SO MUCH

THAT HIS TINY,
LITTLE MAN-BRAIN

CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW
TO COPE WITH IT ALL.

NO, BUT I WAS
SO WRONG, WASN'T I?

ALISON WAS RIGHT.

YOU ARE JUST A WALKING,
TALKING ERECTION.

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?

NO, YOU'RE NOT
THE ONLY ONE

WHO CAN DEAL WITH THEIR
PROBLEMS BY SCREWING
RANDOM STRANGERS.

NO, IT'S NOT A THREAT.

I AM GOING TO HAVE
SEXUAL INTERCOURSE
WITH SOMEONE TONIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE ONE OF THOSE TWO
LOSERS I SENT UP TO SEE YOU.

WHO CARES? I'LL PROBABLY
JUST FLIP A COIN

OR PLAY EENY, MEENY,
MINEY, MOE.

LET'S GO.

[IDA]
WHAT?

OH, YOU-- YOU HEARD
ALL THAT OUT THERE?

WHAT THEY
DON'T UNDERSTAND

IS THAT YOU WERE
JUST TRYING

TO MAKE
YOUR HUSBAND JEALOUS.

SOON-TO-BE EX-HUSBAND,

AND I DON'T REALLY CARE
IF I MAKE HIM JEALOUS.

IN FACT, I DON'T CARE

WHAT THAT DIPSHIT THINKS
ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE.

RIGHT, BUT WHAT THESE GUYS

DON'T UNDERSTAND, BECAUSE
THEY DON'T KNOW YOU LIKE I DO,

IS THAT YOU WOULD NEVER
ACTUALLY HAVE...

HAVE MEANINGLESS
REBOUND SEX?

WHO DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE TALKING TO?

OKAY, WELL, MAYBE
WHEN YOU WERE IN YOUR...

20s, BUT...

EENY, MEENY, MINEY...

YOU'RE GONNA
PICK ONE OF US?

[IDA]
WHY NOT?

AH BECAUSE THAT'S DISGUSTING
AND DEGRADING AND VILE.

WELL, I WAS GOING
TO SAY, ACTUALLY,

IT'S JUST KIND OF LAME THAT
YOU WOULD LEAVE IT TO CHANCE.

WHY NOT STEP UP AND...

- YOU KNOW, DO YOU
HAVE A PREFERENCE?
- MAKE A CHOICE.

WE'RE TWO DIFFERENT
PEOPLE HERE.

YOU GOT FREE WILL.

YOU'RE KIND OF BOTH
THE SAME TO ME.

I MEAN, I'VE NEVER
SLEPT WITH A NICE GUY

AND NEVER SLEPT
WITH A LAWYER,

SO EITHER WAY, THIS IS GOING
TO BE A NEW EXPERIENCE FOR ME.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS JOKE IS OVER.

NOBODY'S LAUGHING. I
THINK WE CAN DROP IT NOW.

I, FOR ONE,
AM OFFENDED.

I DON'T APPRECIATE BEING
TREATED LIKE A SEX OBJECT.

I'M OFFENDED FOR YOU. IT'S
A LITTLE PRESUMPTUOUS

TO THINK JUST BECAUSE
YOU MIGHT DECIDE

TO DO THAT, THAT WE WOULD
JUST GO ALONG WITH IT.

OH? IS THAT RIGHT?

IT IS RIGHT.
THIS IS A MARRIED MAN,

AND MY FRIEND HAS NEVER
CHEATED ON HIS WIFE.

HE'S NOT ABOUT
TO START TONIGHT.

RIGHT.
YEAH, PROBABLY NOT.

AND THIS GUY'S GOT
THE STOMACH OF A NEWBORN,

SO, WELL, YOU KNOW,
HE MIGHT THROW UP ON YOU.

I WOULD NOT.

OKAY, OBVIOUSLY
WE ALL KNOW

MY SISTER'S NOT SLEEPING
WITH ANYONE TONIGHT,

SO THAT'S THE END
OF THAT.

I AM GLAD
THAT YOU ARE SO SURE.

I MEAN, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT
I'M GONNA DO ANY NIGHT.

NONE OF US DO.
ISN'T THAT KIND OF

WHAT MAKES LIFE
INTERESTING?

HMM?

LET'S GET WASTED.

ACTUALLY, I DON'T
KNOW IF YOU WERE IN HERE

WHEN BETTY SAID THAT WE'RE
NOT SUPPOSED TO SMOKE

- INSIDE THE LIMO.
- OH, YEAH.

HEY, BETTY, IF WE GIVE YOU
AN EXTRA 200 BUCKS,

CAN WE SMOKE IN THE LIMO?

[BETTY]
YEP. JUST ROLL DOWN
THE WINDOWS.

THANK YOU.

PACK IT.

[BALLAD PLAYING]

♪ I CAN SEE IT,
I CAN SEE IT ♪

♪ I CAN SEE IT,
I CAN SEE IT NOW ♪

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO ♪

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT IT ♪

♪ I CAN SEE IT,
I CAN SEE IT ♪

♪ I CAN SEE IT,
I CAN SEE IT NOW ♪

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO ♪

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT IT ♪

♪ I CAN SEE IT,
I CAN SEE IT ♪

♪ I CAN SEE IT,
I CAN SEE IT NOW ♪

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO ♪

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT IT... ♪

[LAUGHING]

I FEEL LIKE DRUGS
ARE STRONGER NOW

THAN WHEN
WE WERE YOUNGER.

I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS.

THAT'S GREAT.
[LAUGHS]

YOU KNOW, IT'S BAD
ENOUGH YOU GUYS LEFT
THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP,

BUT YOU GUYS CAN'T
GO OUT THERE LIKE THIS.

YOU'RE SUCH
A STICK-IN-THE-MUD.

WE'RE JUST GOING
FOR A SWIM.

A SWIM? I CAN'T PARK
AT THIS HOUR.

CAN'T REALLY
CLOSE THE OCEAN.

YEAH.

- THAT WOULD BE LIKE
CLOSING THE SKY.
- AND THE SUN.

LIKE A BLADE
OF GRASS.

OKAY, HIPPIES,

LISTEN VERY CLOSELY.

THIS ISN'T
WOODSTOCK.

THIS IS MY JOB,

SO PLEASE GET
BACK IN THE CAR,

BEFORE WE ALL
GET IN TROUBLE.

[CLARK LAUGHING]

SORRY.
[GIGGLES]

THAT IS
A REALLY WEIRD LAUGH.

THAT SOUNDS WORSE
THAN I REMEMBER.

RACE ME TO THE OCEAN.
[LAUGHS]

[AIRPLANE ROARING]

♪ I CAN SEE IT,
I CAN SEE IT ♪

♪ I CAN SEE IT,
I CAN SEE IT NOW ♪

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO ♪

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT IT... ♪

WHAT IS SHE SCARED OF,
THE BEACH POLICE?

[LAUGHS]
THEY'RE GONNA GET US?

THEY'RE GONNA
GET YOU!

♪ I CAN SEE IT NOW

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO... ♪

FREEZE! FREEZE!
IT'S THE BEACH POLICE!

♪ AND I WILL FOLD MY ARMS

♪ FOR THE REST OF MY DAYS

♪ AND YOU CAN
CLOSE YOUR EYES ♪

♪ FOR THE REST
OF YOUR LIFE ♪

[LAUGHING]

♪ AND WE CAN
SHUT OUR MOUTHS ♪

♪ FOR THE REST
OF THIS LIFE ♪

♪ AND WE CAN TURN AROUND

♪ AND NOT ASK WHY.

FEEL.

YOU KNOW THE FEEL.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[ALISON LAUGHS]

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

[AMPLIFIED]
GET OUT OF THERE!

[SONG ENDS]

COME OUT OF THERE.

[NORMAL]
WHAT, YOU CAN'T READ?

WE CLOSE AT SUNSET.

YOU CAN'T
CLOSE THE OCEAN.

THAT'S
TOTALLY ABSURD.

WELL, UNFORTUNATELY
IT'S ALSO MY JOB.

BUT WE'RE HAVING FUN.

I CAN SEE THAT.

- WE'RE SO HIGH.
- OH, NO.

- PARDON ME?
- SHH.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA
ARREST US, ARE YOU?

IS THAT WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?
ARE YOU ARRESTING--

I CAN'T GO TO JAIL.
I HAVE KIDS, SIR.

I HAVE KIDS.
I HAVE KIDS.
I HAVE A KID.

I HAVE ONLY ONE, BUT
SHE'S SO ATTACHED TO ME.

CALM DOWN. I DON'T HAVE THE
AUTHORITY TO ARREST ANYBODY,

BUT IF YOU PEOPLE DON'T
MAKE IT TO YOUR VEHICLES

IN THE NEXT
FIVE SECONDS,

THEN I'M GOING TO CALL
SOMEONE WHO CAN.

- THANK YOU.
- AND PUT ON SOME CLOTHES!

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

UM...

WHERE'S THE CAR?

THE CAR?
WHERE ARE OUR CLOTHES?

[ALISON]
DO YOU THINK
SOMEONE STOLE THEM?

YEAH, PEOPLE JUST LURK
AROUND PARKING LOTS

LOOKING TO STEAL CLOTHES.

WELL, OBVIOUSLY
SOMEONE TOOK THEM.

MAYBE WE'RE JUST
IN THE WRONG LOT.

ARE THERE OTHER LOTS?

SURE, ALL UP
AND DOWN THE BEACH.

WHAT ARE YOU TALK--
IT'S OBVIOUS WHAT HAPPENED.

YOUR SCREWY DRIVER
LEFT US.

[SCOFFS]
MY DRIVER?

THE DRIVER THAT YOU HIRED
LEFT US HERE, YEAH.

OH, SO IT'S
MY FAULT?

CATEGORICALLY YOUR FAULT.

YOU KNOW, EXCUSE ME FOR
TRYING TO GIVE YOU A TIME-OUT

FROM THE BORING BLACK
HOLE YOU CALL A LIFE.

THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT ME.

DON'T ACT LIKE YOU
DID THIS ALL FOR ME.

THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN
AN EXCUSE FOR YOU

TO TAKE A BREAK
FROM YOUR PROBLEMS.

NOTHING'S WRONG
WITH MY LIFE.

I'M NOT THE ONE WHO WISHES HE
DIDN'T DROP OUT OF GRAD SCHOOL

TO BECOME
A PREP SCHOOL TEACHER.

NO YOU'RE THE ONE THAT
GOT A WOMAN PREGNANT

THAT YOU HATE,
THEN MARRIED HER.

AT LEAST
SHE'S STRAIGHT.

CAN WE GET BACK
TO THE FACT

THAT WE'RE STRANDED IN
THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

WITHOUT ANY CLOTHES ON?

YEAH, ONLY, SOME OF US MANAGED
TO RETAIN OUR BRASSIERES.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

IF YOU WANT TO MAKE A
FEDERAL CASE ABOUT THIS,

I'M SORRY THAT I'M NOT
ASHAMED ABOUT MY BODY

AND THAT I DON'T
ROLL OUT OF BED

AND JUST THROW ON
THE OLD YOGA PANTS,

THROW MY SPLIT ENDS
IN A PONYTAIL,

AND WALK OUT THE DOOR.

WELL, I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO
WORRY ABOUT THAN MY APPEARANCE.

OF COURSE.
THE PRESSING ISSUE
OF GETTING TO KINDER BALLET

AND SWIM LESSONS WITHOUT
LOSING THE STRING CHEESE.
RIGHT. I FORGOT.

OH, IS THAT
WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?

YOU'RE JEALOUS
THAT I'M A MOM.

WELL, I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY THAT YOU
CAN'T HAVE A BABY.

I AM SORRY.

I'M SO SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

NO, DON'T BE.

I ACTUALLY--
I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.

'CAUSE YOU THINK IT'S
EVERY WOMAN'S GOAL
IN LIFE TO BE A MOTHER.

JAKE FEELS THE SAME WAY,
AND HE ALMOST CONVINCED ME.

BUT YOU KNOW THE FIRST THOUGHT
I HAD WHEN I GOT PREGNANT

WAS, "NO,

I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP
MY AMBITIONS

AND MY HOPE
AND MY IDENTITY

THE WAY ALISON DID,"

SO I GOT RID OF IT.

WHAT?

I HAD AN ABORTION,
ALISON.

NO, YOU DIDN'T.

I DID, AND THEN I HID IT
FROM YOU, BECAUSE I KNEW YOU
WOULD NEVER UNDERSTAND.

AND I DIDN'T WANT
TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS.

YOU HAD AN ABORTION,

YOU RUINED
YOUR MARRIAGE,

AND YOU MOVED
BACK IN WITH OUR MOM

SO YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE TO BE LIKE ME?

WELL, AT LEAST YOU
DIDN'T HURT MY FEELINGS.

[CLARK]
WAIT. WHAT DID--

WHERE'S
SHE GOING?

YOU CAN'T GO UP THERE
DRESSED LIKE THAT! WAIT!

NO, YOU'RE GONNA END UP
ON A MILK CARTON!

IT'S COMING!

[SOBBING]

GO ON. GET IN.

WHY'D YOU DRIVE AWAY?

TOLD YOU THERE WAS
NO PARKING.

COP WAS GONNA
GIVE ME A TICKET.

WHERE ARE OUR CLOTHES?

WHAT CLOTHES?

PSYCH.

HONESTLY, I WOULD HAVE
LEFT YOU GUYS HERE,

BUT AFTER ALL THAT,
I DIDN'T WANT TO FOREGO

THE ENORMOUS TIP
YOU WERE GONNA GIVE ME.

I'M SUPPOSED
TO GIVE YOU A TIP?

I'M GONNA PRETEND
I DIDN'T HEAR THAT.

JUST SO YOU KNOW, NEXT
TANK OF GAS IS ON YOU GUYS.

I GOT THE ALL-INCLUSIVE
DELUXE PACKAGE.

OKAY, FINE.
I'LL BUY THE GAS.

[DOG BARKING]

FINE. I'LL SAY IT.

YOU WERE RIGHT.

THIS WHOLE NIGHT
WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA.

I'M SORRY.

[IDA]
I'M SORRY, TOO.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY ALL THAT
STUFF I SAID BACK THERE.

I KNOW YOU ARE.

I AM, TOO.

I'M NOT SORRY.

WELL, THAT'S
VERY BIG OF YOU.

YEAH. I WAS HAVING
FUN OUT THERE.

BEFORE ALL THE SAVAGE
HONESTY BEGAN, RIGHT,

THAT WAS--
THAT WAS FUN.

SURE.

[ALISON]
I GUESS.

AND THE NIGHT'S
NOT OVER YET.

YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

I'M DONE.

[ALISON]
DITTO.

STICK A FORK IN ME.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOTTA DO,
GO HOME, GET INTO BED,

PICK DIANE'S LONG, BRISTLY
HAIRS OFF THE PILLOW,

WAIT FOR HER TO GET HOME
TOMORROW, BUG YOU ABOUT
CLEANING THE LITTER BOX.

THAT'S THE FIRST THING SHE'S
GONNA DO WHEN SHE WAKES UP.

WHY DON'T YOU CLEAN IT
BEFORE SHE GETS UP?

NOT A CHANCE.

ARE YOU DESPERATE TO GET BACK
TO YOUR MOM'S RETIREMENT
COMMUNITY IN RANCHO MIRAGE?

OKAY, IT'S PALM DESERT,
SWEATPANTS,

AND YOU KIND OF HAVE
A VALID POINT.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME
THAT YOU WERE OUT

WITHOUT YOUR HUSBAND
OR DAUGHTER?

LET'S FACE IT.
YOUR SOCIAL LIFE

ISN'T THAT MUCH
DIFFERENT THAN MINE.

OKAY, THAT'S
JUST PLAIN MEAN.

SO WHAT ARE YOU
SUGGESTING?

BETTY, HI.

WHEN YOU'RE
DONE REFUELING,

COULD YOU TAKE US
SOMEPLACE BEAUTIFUL?

IT'S A STRANGE CITY,
ISN'T IT?

ALWAYS LOOKS
SO MUCH BETTER AT NIGHT.

AND FROM FAR AWAY.

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY PEOPLE WOULD WANT
TO LIVE IN A CITY

THAT'S SO CLEARLY
UNSUITED TO SUSTAIN LIFE.

WE SHOULD
SLEEP TOGETHER.

- EXCUSE ME?
- I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

YOU HAD MENTIONED
IT EARLIER,

AND I THINK YOU MIGHT
HAVE BEEN ONTO SOMETHING.

I'M CONFUSED
AND UNHAPPY,

AND YOU'RE CONFUSED
AND UNHAPPY,

AND YOU THINK
I'M NICE,

AND I THINK YOU'RE
STUNNING AND INTERESTING

AND QUITE POSSIBLY THE MOST
TERRIFYING WOMAN I'VE EVER MET.

OKAY, I CAN'T TELL IF YOU'RE
BEING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.

HE'S NOT.

I AM.
WHY SHOULDN'T WE?

MIGHT DO US
SOME GOOD.

STOP EMBARRASSING
YOURSELF.

SHE WAS JUST MAKING FUN
OF US BEFORE.

WERE YOU?

NO, NOT-- NOT ENTIRELY.

OH, COME ON.
ADMIT IT.

YOU'D NEVER SLEEP
WITH A GUY LIKE HIM.

OKAY, YOU DON'T
EVEN KNOW ME,

AND YOU DON'T GIVE YOUR
FRIEND ENOUGH CREDIT HERE.

HE'S A REALLY
UNIQUE PERSON.

IDA.

YOU KNOW WILL'S RIGHT.

YOU TWO CAN ARGUE
AND JOKE AROUND

AND EVEN FLIRT
ALL NIGHT LONG,

BUT THE HARD TRUTH IS
PEOPLE WHO LOOK LIKE YOU

DON'T SLEEP
WITH GUYS LIKE HIM.

UNLESS MAYBE HE HAD A
PRIVATE JET OR SOMETHING.

WOW, THAT'S REALLY
A TERRIBLE THING TO SAY.

'CAUSE IT'S THE TRUTH?

OKAY, YOU TWO
HAVE NO RIGHT

TO GIVE ANYONE
RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.

COME ON, LOVER BOY.

SHE'S BLUFFING.

I KNOW.

[SCOFFS]
IT'S RIDICULOUS.

WHERE YOU GOING?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'M NOT GONNA
STAND AROUND LIKE A FOOL

WHILE THEY ARE DOING WHATEVER
THEY'RE DOING IN THERE.

WAIT.

WAS THAT ALL
FOR THEIR BENEFIT?

I DON'T KNOW.

GUESS YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO FIND OUT.

HMM.

I LIKE THIS
DECISIVE NEW YOU.

YEAH. IT'S WORKING
PRETTY WELL SO FAR.

ALTHOUGH,
BETTY CAN YOU SEE US?

THERE ARE SOME
SECURITY CAMERAS.

ARE YOU ALLOWED
TO TURN THEM OFF?

[BETTY]
NOT A CHANCE.

WAIT. ARE YOU GUYS PLANNING
ON HAVING SEX IN MY CAR?

MAYBE.

[BETTY]
THEN DON'T WORRY

I'D RATHER CLAW MY OWN
EYES OUT THAN WATCH YOU.

THANK YOU?

ALSO THERE'S A
TRASH BIN. USE IT.

PRETEND I DIDN'T HEAR THAT.

THAT'S SO-- YEAH.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

PROBABLY HAVING
SEX RIGHT NOW.

CAN YOU IMAGINE?

I'D RATHER NOT.

I DON'T KNOW
HOW SHE DOES IT.

I COULD NEVER SLEEP WITH
SOMEONE I JUST MET,

NO MATTER HOW ATTRACTED
TO HIM I WAS.

[CHUCKLES]
GOOD FOR YOU.

DON'T BE A JERK.

MAYBE YOU AND IDA ARE
RIGHT. MAYBE I'M FRIGID.

YOU ARE NOT FRIGID.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

JUST A FEELING.

ARE YOU
IMPLYING SOMETHING?

OF COURSE NOT.

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU WERE FEELING BACK
THERE AT THE BEACH.

ME? I WASN'T
FEELING ANYTHING.

WHAT COULD I HAVE
POSSIBLY BEEN FEELING?

I WOULDN'T KNOW.

NEITHER WOULD I.

GOOD, BECAUSE I WASN'T
FEELING ANYTHING,

AND I THINK
YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT.

OBVIOUSLY.
NEITHER WAS I.

OBVIOUSLY.

BUT EVEN IF I WAS...

FEELING SOMETHING?

WHICH I WASN'T.

OF COURSE NOT.

I WOULD NEVER
ACT ON IT.

BECAUSE YOU'RE FRIGID?

BECAUSE I'M MARRIED.

OH, YEAH. THAT, TOO.

OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE BEING ABSURD.

- SORRY. I'M NOT--
- JUST KISS ME.

- I'M NOT GONNA BITE YOU.
- SORRY.

- DID I-- WHAT?
- NO. I DON'T KNOW.

- I DON'T KNOW.
- OKAY.

I DON'T KNOW.
THAT WAS WEIRD. SORRY.

OKAY.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, NOW YOU'RE
MAKING ME ALL WEIRD.

- NOW I'M THINKING ABOUT IT.
- SORRY.

I'VE KISSED, LIKE,
HUNDREDS OF GUYS.

SO WHY IS THIS
SO WEIRD?

- I DON'T KNOW.
- OKAY.

HUNDREDS? OH.

BUT, OK, SO HOW ABOUT...

COUNT OF THREE?

- ALL RIGHT.

- OKAY.
- 1, 2, 3.

YOU OKAY?

[SNIFFLES]

UM...

NO, I'M GOOD.
I'M GOOD.

THIS ISN'T--
THIS ISN'T 'CAUSE OF YOU.

- UM...
- IDA.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THI--
WE DON'T--
THIS IS SILLY FOR--

I WANT--
I WANT TO DO THIS.

YOU OBVIOUSLY STILL
LOVE YOUR HUSBAND, AND...

IT'S OBVIOUS?

YEAH.

FUCK...

GOD, LOVE IS
THE WORST, ISN'T IT?

YEAH, IT REALLY IS.

I'M SO SORRY.

NO, DON'T, PLEASE.

DON'T SAY THAT.
THIS WAS WONDERFUL.

THIS REALLY--
THIS WAS ENOUGH FOR ME.

AH, SEX IS THE WORST.

- YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.
- YES, I DO.

IF YOU ARE FRIGID,

YOU SHOULD BE THANKFUL.

WITH MY SEXLESS EXISTENCE?

EXACTLY.

MY WIFE AND I
WERE HAVING SEX

HALFWAY THROUGH OUR
FIRST CONVERSATION.

- AND THAT'S BAD?
- YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

WE USED TO DO IT
ALL THE TIME,

NOT JUST
ORDINARY SEX.

IT WAS GREAT.

GREAT SEX?

SOUNDS TERRIBLE.

WELL, UNTIL WE STOPPED
TO CATCH OUR BREATH

AND REALIZED THAT
EXCEPT FOR IN BED,

WE ARE COMPLETELY
INCOMPATIBLE.

AT LEAST YOU'RE
COMPATIBLE IN BED.

YEAH, WELL, THOSE YEARS
ARE LONG GONE.

YEAH, I KNOW
WHAT YOU MEAN.

YEAH?

SIMON AND I USED
TO JUST BE INSATIABLE,

AND NOW--

NEVER MIND. I DON'T KNOW
WHY I'M TELLING YOU THIS.

-WHAT?
-YOU WON'T UNDERSTAND.

WHAT? I'M SMARTER
THAN I LOOK.

YEAH, YOU'D HAVE TO BE.

[CHUCKLES]
THANK YOU.

YOU OLD CHARMER.

I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS...

HE USED TO TOUCH ME,
AND I...

I LOVED IT.

I MEAN, IT REALLY
TURNED ME ON,

AND THEN...

SOMETHING HAPPENED
AFTER SARA WAS BORN.

WE WERE HAVING SEX,

AND HE WAS KISSING
MY BREASTS, AND I...

MY DAUGHTER HAD
JUST BEEN BREAST-FEEDING

30 MINUTES BEFORE,

AND SHE WAS GONNA BE
BREAST-FEEDING
AGAIN IN TWO HOURS,

AND I LOOKED DOWN AT MY...

I LOOKED AT MY VAGINA,
AND IT JUST LOOKED SAD,

JUST LOOKED SO TIRED,
LIKE I'M DONE,

LIKE I'VE DONE THIS
BEFORE, AND I--

I DON'T-- I'M--
I DON'T KNOW.

THAT WAS IT.

IT WAS LIKE...

THE PASSIONATE PART
OF MY LIFE WAS OVER,

AND THAT WAS OKAY,

'CAUSE I LOVE
MY DAUGHTER,

AND I LOVE MY HUSBAND.

THAT'S-- I DON'T KNOW.
THAT'S ENOUGH.

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN
SINCE YOU'VE HAD SEX?

LIKE NINE MONTHS.

YOU DON'T MISS IT?

HOW LONG FOR YOU?

WELL, FOR ME, IT'S, I
GUESS, FOUR MONTHS,

THREE DAYS,
AND ABOUT SIX HOURS.

-SIX HOURS?
-YEAH.

WELL, WHO NEEDS SEX,
ANYWAY?

THERE YOU GO.

THAT'S--
THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

I DON'T NEED IT.

DEFINITELY NOT.

YEAH, NOT US.

IS THIS A GOOD IDEA?

I REALLY DON'T THINK SO.

YEAH, PROBABLY NOT.

♪ I WOULD SAY

♪ I'LL SEE YOU
IN THE MORNING ♪

♪ BUT I KNOW ALL
THE GOOD WILL BE GONE ♪

♪ IT IS CLEAR

♪ YOU SADLY
HAVE TO LEAVE NOW ♪

♪ SO I'LL WAVE GOOD-BYE

♪ GOOD HEART.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

SHIT.

-SHIT.
-WHAT'S THE MATTER?

OH, NOTHING. I ONLY
JUST MADE THE BIGGEST
MISTAKE OF MY LIFE.

YOU MEAN ME.

I DON'T MEAN YOU.

I JUST MEAN THE WHOLE--

NAH, IT'S OKAY.
I GET IT.

I FEEL EXACTLY
THE SAME WAY.

THEY'LL BE BACK SOON.

ALISON'S JUST TRYING
TO MAKE A POINT.

WHAT POINT?

WHO KNOWS?

ARE YOU WORRIED YOUR KIDS
ARE ALREADY UP?

NO, BUT I SHOULD
BE GETTING HOME.

I DON'T WANT THEM TO KNOW
THAT I'M A PARTY ANIMAL WHO

STAYS UP ALL NIGHT
SMOKING REEFER

AND BEDDING
STRANGE WOMEN.

SECRET'S SAFE WITH ME,
SWEATPANTS.

THANK YOU.

OKAY, JUST TO WARN YOU,

MY SISTER'S
GOING TO GIVE US

A MONUMENTALLY HARD TIME
ABOUT SLEEPING TOGETHER.

WELL-- WE DIDN'T
SLEEP TOGETHER.

TRY TELLING HER THAT.
YOU KNOW HOW SHE IS.

SHE GETS
A VICARIOUS THRILL

OUT OF PEOPLE
BEHAVING BADLY,

ESPECIALLY WHEN ONE
OF THOSE PEOPLE IS ME.

SURE WILL'S GONNA THROW
A FEW BARBS MY WAY, TOO.

I-- I KIND OF
DON'T CARE. SCREW HIM.

WHAT?

WE HAVE NOTHING
TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT,

AND EVEN IF SOMETHING
HAD HAPPENED,

I WOULDN'T BE
EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT.

THANKS.

-HEY.
-HEY.

MORNING.

IS IT?

YOU DON'T THINK
THAT THEY...?

THAT WASN'T
A VERY GOOD IDEA.

IT REALLY WASN'T.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYING]

♪ OH

♪ OH, THERE SHE GOES

♪ ALWAYS BARKING
SO FIERCE ♪

♪ AND YOU KNEW

♪ IT WAS NEVER SO CLEAR

♪ BUT YOU KNOW IT WAS
ALL JUST FOR SHOW ♪

♪ TIME, TIME...

[SONG FADES]

HEY. WAIT UP.

YOU GONNA BE OKAY?

ARE YOU?

I DON'T KNOW.

THANK YOU
FOR TONIGHT, ALI.

-IDA.
-YEAH?

WHAT DO I DO?

ABOUT WHAT?

ABOUT MY LIFE.

ARE YOU...

ARE YOU ASKING ME
FOR ADVICE RIGHT NOW?

[BOTH LAUGH]

YOU GO HOME, AND YOU
JUST TELL SIMON THE TRUTH

ABOUT EVERYTHING,
NOT JUST ABOUT TONIGHT.

AND THEN YOU JUST...

SEE HOW IT PLAYS OUT.

THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE.

YEAH.

IS THAT WHAT
YOU'RE GONNA DO?

MM-HMM.

CALL ME LATER.

REPEATEDLY.

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

OKAY, BE SAFE.

YOU BE SAFE.

WE'LL BE GOOD.

YOU SLEEP OFF
THOSE WINE COOLERS.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYING]

WHERE TO NOW, GENTLEMEN?

WOULD IT BE OKAY
IF I CRASH

AT YOUR HOUSE
FOR A FEW DAYS?

YEAH.

[ENGINE STARTS]

HOME, PLEASE.

PLEASURE.

THANKS FOR TONIGHT,
WILL.

NO PROBLEM.

WE SHOULD DO IT
AGAIN SOMETIME.

YEAH.

MAYBE COUPLE OF YEARS?

SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

YEAH.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYING]

♪ NAME 10 THINGS YOU WANT
TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE ♪

♪ AND THEN GO DO THEM

♪ NAME 10 PLACES
YOU REALLY WANT TO BE ♪

♪ BEFORE YOU DIE
AND THEN GO TO THEM ♪

♪ NAME 10 BOOKS YOU WANT
TO READ BEFORE YOU DIE ♪

♪ AND THEN GO READ THEM

♪ NAME 10 SONGS
YOU WANT TO HEAR AGAIN ♪

♪ BEFORE YOU DIE, GET ALL YOUR FRIENDS TOGETHER ♪

♪ AND SCREAM THEM

♪ BECAUSE RIGHT NOW

♪ ALL YOU HAVE IS
TIME, TIME, TIME ♪

♪ YEAH, BUT SOMEDAY
THAT TIME WILL RUN OUT ♪

♪ THAT'S THE ONLY THING

♪ YOU CAN BE ABSOLUTELY
CERTAIN ABOUT ♪

♪ THINK OF ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE WRONG WITH YOUR LIFE ♪

♪ AND THEN FIX THEM

♪ THINK OF ALL THE THINGS

♪ THAT YOU LOVE
ABOUT YOUR LIFE ♪

♪ BE THANKFUL YOU ARE
BLESSED WITH THEM ♪

♪ THINK OF ALL THE THINGS
THAT HOLD YOU BACK ♪

♪ AND REALIZE
THAT YOU DON'T NEED THEM ♪

♪ THINK OF
ALL THE MISTAKES ♪

♪ YOU HAVE MADE
IN YOUR LIFE ♪

♪ MAKE SURE THAT YOU
NEVER REPEAT THEM ♪

♪ BECAUSE RIGHT NOW

♪ ALL YOU HAVE IS
TIME, TIME, TIME ♪

♪ YEAH, BUT SOMEDAY
THAT TIME WILL RUN OUT ♪

♪ THAT'S THE ONLY THING

♪ YOU CAN BE ABSOLUTELY
CERTAIN ABOUT ♪

♪ NAME 10,000 REASONS
WHY YOU NEVER WANT TO DIE ♪

♪ GO AND TELL SOMEONE
WHO MIGHT HAVE FORGOTTEN ♪

♪ TRY TO LIST
THE ENDLESS REASONS ♪

♪ WHY IT'S GOOD
TO BE ALIVE ♪

♪ AND THEN JUST SMILE
FOR A WHILE ABOUT THEM ♪

♪ SOON THE SUN WILL RISE

♪ AND ANOTHER DAY WILL COME

♪ SOON ENOUGH,
THE SUN WILL SET ♪

♪ ANOTHER DAY WILL BE GONE

♪ AND RIGHT NOW

♪ ALL YOU HAVE IS
TIME, TIME, TIME ♪

♪ YEAH, BUT SOMEDAY
THAT TIME WILL RUN OUT ♪

♪ THAT'S THE ONLY THING

♪ YOU CAN BE ABSOLUTELY
CERTAIN ABOUT. ♪

[NEW SONG PLAYING]

♪ WHEN PERFECT HEARTS

♪ THEY DON'T WORK ANYMORE

♪ WHEN PERFECT HEARTS

♪ THEY DON'T WORK ANYMORE

♪ THEN WHY WOULD YOU WANT
TO CLOSE THIS DOOR? ♪

♪ WHEN PERFECT HEARTS

♪ THEY DON'T WORK ANYMORE

♪ AND ALL YOU HEARD WAS I

♪ DON'T WANT YOU, I

♪ AND ALL YOU HEARD WAS I

♪ DON'T HAVE THE TIME

♪ AND ALL YOU HEARD WAS I

♪ DON'T WANT YOU, I

♪ AH, IN MY LIFE

♪ WHEN PERFECT HEARTS

♪ THEY DON'T WORK ANYMORE

♪ WHEN PERFECT HEARTS

♪ THEY DON'T WORK ANYMORE

♪ THEN WHY WOULD YOU WANT
TO CLOSE THIS DOOR? ♪

♪ WHEN PERFECT HEARTS

♪ THEY DON'T WORK ANYMORE

♪ AND ALL YOU HEARD WAS I

♪ DON'T WANT YOU, I

♪ AND ALL YOU HEARD WAS I

♪ DON'T HAVE THE TIME

♪ AND ALL YOU HEARD WAS I

♪ DON'T WANT YOU, I

♪ AH, IN MY LIFE.