All language subtitles for Heartbeat s13e16 One Thing Leads to Another

Harvey, why do you miss when my baby
kisses me?

Harvey, why does a love kiss stay in my
memory?

My Sunday feelings coming up over me.

My Sunday feelings coming up over me.

Ashfordly 303.

Jenny, it's Kitty.

Listen, I'm really sorry, but I can't
make it for lunch. Someone's come up.

That's all right, Kitty, but, um...
Look, there was something I wanted to

you. It's not a good time.

Well, maybe I can call you later?
Listen, Jenny, I'm sorry. I'm really

the moment. I've got to go.

Who's that?

Oh, Kitty Sanders.

I was supposed to be meeting her for
lunch, but she's cried off.

You've seen a lot of her lately.

Well, I like her company.

Good.

I'll see you tonight.

Bye. Bye.

Been up long?

I'll make some fresh.

Nothing?

I'll stay as long as you need me.

What with Oscar having to go away.

He's only gone a few days, Di.

He'll be back as soon as he can.

He's so good of you.

I know you don't like being stuck out
here.

No.

I like it just fine.

Good clean country, eh?

Just not used to it, that's all.

Tina, love, I wish I could do something
to make it better.

You are, just by being here.

It's Phil who should be here.

He's not much help, to tell you the
truth.

He can't talk about it.

He can't even say Daniel's name.

He probably doesn't want to upset you.

It can't be easy on him either,
especially as he's had to go back to

Now I'm about to make you some toast.

This brings back memories.

The Ashfordly Gazette Poetry
Competition.

Really? I didn't think you were
interested in poetry, Mr Vernon.

Well, it just takes me back to my school
days, David.

They always had a poetry competition.

Poor Bernard.

My poems always did so much better than
his.

Really? I never heard him mention it.

Well, he wouldn't, would he? I mean, he
probably still rankles.

Here, you haven't got time for all that.

I've got lots for you to do today.

She's in here.

Thanks, Dad.

OK.

Hiya.

How are you feeling?

Oh, just wonderful, Phil.

And how are you?

Just on my way to work.

I think I could have guessed that. The
uniform gave it away.

Well, maybe I could go around again.

We could go out or something.

I don't think so.

It's a bit soon after Daniel's funeral.

Yeah, of course.

I understand.

Look, Gina, I just want things to get
back to normal.

Somehow I don't think they ever will.

Herbie Lloyd's results.

He's coming in to see me later, isn't
he?

First appointment.

Better get the bad news over with, I
suppose.

What have we got?

Well, it looks like he's lost control
here.

He's ploughed straight through the
bracken and down into the gully.

Who is he? Do we know?

Not yet, Sarge.

Our radio ventress is going to check the
registration number.

And you'd better get Bernard's scripts
over here.

The car's going nowhere under its own
steam.

Yes, sir.

The car's gone off the road at

Ogden Lane.

I'm too busy here. Will you go and
collect it?

Oh, yeah, all right.

Can I do something for you?

Oh?

Well, yeah, I was just wondering if it's
still rankled, like Mr Vernon said.

A lot of things rankle, David. Were we
talking about something in particular?

You know, Mr Vernon always beat you at
the poetry competition when you were

young.

Vernon? Beating me? For he has got a
poetic bone in his body.

What's a poetic bone?

Oh, Hogan Lane. Right, I'll... It's a
progressive form of arthritis

that principally affects the spine,
which is why you've been finding it so

to work.

What can you do about it, then, Doctor?

Well, painkillers and steroids will help
keep you mobile for the time being.

But there is no cure, Mr Lloyd.

It won't get better, then?

No.

You have to accept that you can't keep
on working indefinitely. Not in your

line, anyway.

Perhaps you could think about something
different?

I've been a gamekeeper all my life.

Since I was 15.

I'm sorry.

But I think you ought to consider
something less active.

How about working at the estate office?

Paper shuffling?

I don't think so, Doctor.

I've never worked inside, and I think
I'm too old to be starting now.

Don't worry, I'll manage.

One way or another, I'll keep working
till I drop.

Where's David gone now?

I told him I'd need him this morning.

Sent him to pick up a car.

Oh, that's typical of you. You don't
think to ask me first. You just

him for your own purposes.

And, by the way, you never beat me at
any poetry competitions at school.

I think you'll find I did, Bernard.

Didn't? Did.

I think if you cast your mind back, it
was me winning the prizes.

I'm afraid, Bernard, that's what's known
as a case of looking back with rose

-tinted spectacles.

A case of your selective memory, more
like.

Anyway, why are you suddenly bringing
this up after all this time?

It was just a nostalgic comment to David
when I saw they're restarting the

poetry competition in the Ashfordly
Gazette.

Oh, well, I never.

Anyway, don't feel bad about not being
good at poetry, Bernard.

I mean, we all have our own individual
talents, you know.

I don't know where on earth you got this
idea from that you were better at it

than I am.

You always found it difficult to accept.

Can't have been easy being beaten every
time, especially by someone so much

younger than you.

Over and out.

I'm sorry I took so long out with the
weather changing and that.

It's down here, David.

We're going to have to drag it up to the
road.

Ulf says the car's registered to a
Martin Updike. Lives in Nottingham.

The car hasn't been reported stolen, but
the local force will go round.

Good.

So he could be up here on business,
then.

What do you make of this, Bellamy?

Looks like blood, Sarge.

Was the passenger door open when it was
found?

That's what the tractor driver said.

I assumed it opened on the point of
impact.

But there could have been someone else
in the car.

All right, David, you can take our way.

Ask Bernie to keep it in the garage for
now. We might need to examine it

further. Yeah, all right, Sergeant
Merton.

Alfred, come on!

Bellamy, you can drop me at the station.

We can go round to B &Bs and guest
houses.

I want to know what Updike was doing
around here and who he was with.

Crane, get over to the hospital.

See if there's any chance of Updike
regaining consciousness.

Sarge. Sergeant Merton!

I think I've found something.

It was Alfred.

He went into the bracken and he started
barking and he's found this.

Martin Updike.

Is that a man, Sarge?

It's empty.

You could have been robbed, then.

Thank you, David.

Well done.

Oh, it wasn't me. It was Alfred, really.

Well done, Alfred.

Miles from nowhere Yes, I'll take my
time

Oh, yeah To reach there

Look up at the mountain.

I have to climb.

Oh, yeah.

Told you it was nothing.

Just a silly argument that went too far.
These things happen.

You've got to keep it in proportion.

In proportion?

Have you looked in a mirror? It's not a
pretty sight, I can tell you.

I knew it was a stupid idea getting
involved in this savings and loans game.

Look, who did it to you?

You've got to go to the police, Kitty.

Just leave it, Hugh. It was nothing. It
won't happen again.

Nothing? It was the salt at the very
least.

I should never let you carry on with
this silly idea.

It's not silly.

I'm running a real business. At least it
gives me some kind of independence

instead of sitting around here all day.

Look, it were different when it was just
a way of helping a few ladies buy a new

frock or whatever.

Look, I'm sorry, Hugh, but I just don't
want to take this any further.

Well, at least promise me you'll give up
the scheme.

People understand if you tell them.

Just not that simple.

Is it?

Well, it seems pretty simple to me.

Hello. Hi, Jen.

How are you?

Just wish people would stop asking.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to take it out on you.

There's no need to apologise, Gina.

Look, how about I pop over later and we
can have a proper catch -up?

I was supposed to be seeing Kitty, but
she let me down again.

Are the savings and loans scheme going?

I thought I was going to ask her.

Well, that, and if I could take the
money out for a change.

Oh? You and Dennis thinking of splashing
out, then? You'd have a fit if you knew

how much three pieces I want really
cost.

Hence, I can kid you for a loan.

OK. Thank you very much, Mrs. Falmer.

Gina.

Want to come in?

Yeah.

I got that car back.

Sorry, it's a right mess.

David,

can you not think I'm busy?

Sorry, you don't look very busy.

Oh, it's no use. I'm trying to remember
my winning poem.

It's important.

It was a long time ago.

Of course it's important.

Vernon's going around telling everybody
he was best.

Oh.

Hey,

what if you entered that competition and
won?

That would show him.

Vernon would still say he was better.

Unless we could get him to enter as
well.

How are you going to get him to do that?

Don't you fret about that, sunshine.
I'll think of something.

Oh, the doctor says Martin Updike can't
be interviewed yet.

Well, there's no point in hanging around
the hospital, then.

You wouldn't like to give her Mrs.
Lampert a visit.

She's got a guesthouse, Stanhope, in
Church Square.

Only she's given us a call to say that
one of her guests has gone missing.

Oh? Our friend, Martin Updike.

Bill's out on the other side of town, so
I'll let him know.

Okay, Alf. Leave it with me.

See you then.

What are you doing?

None of your business.

You go into that competition, aren't
you?

So, what if I am?

At least it'll prove once and for all
that I'm the poet in this family.

No, it won't.

Why not?

All it'll prove, even if you win, is
that you're better than the others. Not

So why don't you enter as well?

Because I haven't got time for silly
little newspaper competitions.

I'm a businessman.

You're frightened of losing.

Me?

I'd win hands down.

Prove it. Write a poem and enter it.

See, you can't.

All right, I will.

Just don't get too upset when I win.

Put yourself down, Herbie.

The doctor about that back of yours?

It's some disease with a long Latin name
that I can't remember, sir.

You've got a diagnosis now. You can get
it sorted out.

There's no treatment.

Oh, dear.

I'd be very sorry to lose you.

I don't want to go, sir.

I've worked here since I was 15.

You can't do the job.

I don't want you straining, making
things worse.

I can do it, if I have some help with
the heavy stuff.

I'd feel happier if I had some sort of
doctor's report saying that it won't be

detrimental to your health, just to be
sure.

Go ahead, talk to Dr Merrick, sir. I'm
sure she'll tell you I'm OK, so long as

have some help.

I'll let her know you'll be calling,
shall I, sir?

Yeah, fine.

I'll have a word.

OK, Herbie.

Thank you very much, sir.

This is Mr. Oakdike's room constable.

Thank you, Mrs. London.

The moonlight on the water's edge.

The swan that swims in regal state.

All reminds me of... That's private.

I'm sorry.

Hey, do you mind if I get Mr Vernon to
enter as well?

I told you to think of something and
shift.

Don't you go telling him about this.

It's all right, don't worry. Your
secret's safe with me.

Anyway, I should really point out that
you've done all that wrong.

What do you mean?

Well, it's a poem, isn't it? A poem
meant to rhyme.

You know, there was a young man from
Dundee who went for a... Yes, yes, yes,

yes. Don't you worry about that.

Just keep all this under your hat.

Oh, how... Hi, Kitty.

I'm glad I caught you.

Look, what I wanted to talk about early
was, well, I was wondering about getting

out alone.

Yes, but... But I paid every week.

But there must be some money left, but
where's it all gone?

Kitty, you can't just give it all to one
person. I mean, that is not what the

scheme's about, is it?

Kitty?

Kitty, are you there?

Is everything all right?

Look, can you manage if I take a longer
lunch break?

Of course.

Sounds like you need it.

Oh, yeah.

Hello.

Mr Scripps says you're entering the
poetry competition.

That's right.

Oh, it must be nice to be able to write
poems.

I'd love to be able to.

Yes, well, David, as much as I'd like to
chat, I've got to get on.

I've got poems to write and such.

Oh, yes, of course.

It's not like you've got a lot of time
left.

What do you mean?

Well, the poems have to be in by this
evening.

But the competition was only in the
Ashfordly Gazette this morning.

Well, this week's paper isn't out yet.

That was last week's that you were
reading.

How much is it?

Nearly £500.

A lot of money to keep in a shoebox.

Do we know what he does for a living?

Well, he told the landlady he was a
travelling salesman. Oh, did he?

Well, I don't know what our man is doing
around here, but I'd lay odds that he's

no travelling salesman.

Ventress? Chad?

There's nothing I'm so pleased to get
back to us yet about Updike.

I've just come off the phone, Chad.

He was very well known to them.

Anything serious?

Er, all petty.

He was a bit of a ladies' man.

He was done for false pretenses once,
and he left owing money to quite a few

people. He left?

Yes, the house where the car was
registered hadn't been lived in for some

They know that because they were trying
to find him.

Apparently, he ran a save and loan
scheme, and he left without paying out

anyone. They can't have been running one
of those around here, though.

I hope they'd give the money to a
stranger, would they?

Well, according to Mrs Ventress, your
journey signed her on to a scheme.

Anita? What happened?

It's a long story.

My eyes alone kissed.

Or mine eyes alone kissed.

Mine eyes?

It's a more lyrical way of writing,
David.

I wouldn't expect you to understand
that.

Four gallons, please, David.

You on your own again?

Yeah, well, I haven't got time for
anything else, apart from this poetry

competition at the moment.

Poetry competition?

Yeah.

Well, one of the Asher League is that.

All right.

I wouldn't have thought that Bernie and
Vernon knew too much about poetry.

Oh, you could be right there.

Well, Mr Scripps reckons that Mr Vernon
hasn't got a poetic bone in his body.

But you think Bernie will win?

I wouldn't say that. I've just seen his
poem. It doesn't even rhyme.

I mean, everybody knows that poems
should rhyme.

He thinks I don't understand.

Maybe you should write one of your own.

Prove to him that you can do it.

I don't think I could do that.

I don't know anything about poems
either.

You know that they have to rhyme.

I'd say that you've got a poetic bone.

Really?

It's a figure of speech, David.

Oh.

No. No, it's got to be a love poem, and
I don't think that I could.

Just because it's a love poem doesn't
mean it has to be all lovey -dovey.

You know, it could be love for a mother
or a place or something like that.

Really? Hmm.

You should try it. You don't know unless
you try a thing.

Put that on my account, would you?

All right.

Bye -bye, David.

Bye, Doctor.

I can't believe Hugh would hit you.

We were arguing.

It's in the heat of the moment.

I'm not blameless. There is never a good
reason for a husband to hit his wife.

He worries about me meeting other men.

I know it's silly, but he gets jealous.

Promise me you'll think about prison
charges.

Lily, Jenny's just come for a chat and a
cup of tea.

A chat about that stupid sales and loan
scheme, I hope.

Here, take them.

I don't want my wife running it anymore.

So you'll take them and run it yourself?

Jenny, please.

How much is in the tip?

£50, 12 shillings, and throttle tape me.

Well, it's what the book says should be
there. We discount the opening, that is.

But didn't you say nearly £800 had been
paid in? Yep.

And been lent out again. Here and here.

Oh, the cheek of it.

So she's lent this George Harlow bloke
nearly £500 of our money. I mean, how

long has he been putting money in?

Oh, it's hard to tell, Jean, with all
these robins out.

There.

There he is.

Oh, no, that's George Harlow.

He must be the same man.

She just spelt the name wrong.

I've never heard of a George Harrow.

Or Harlow.

Me neither.

Maybe you'd better ask Kitty then.

Find out who this bloke is.

Alfred.

Fruit, friend and companion.

Better than bread with cheese and onion.

The truest friend I've ever found.

That's better.

Found.

Sound. Crowned.

Hound. Hound.

Hound.

The truest friend I've ever found is a
great big

shaggy hound.

All right, it's not finished yet.

Can I come in?

It's not a good time. It's important.

I need to know what's going on.

I need to ask Kitty about a few things
that aren't quite clear if I'm to take

this over, Hugh.

Just so long as you don't palm it back
off on her.

I don't want her involved anymore.

And I'm surprised your husband's letting
you get involved.

Well, some marriages are based on trust,
not fear.

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't know what you're implying,
Jenny, but there are no secrets between

and I.

Kitty?

You surely don't think that I'd hit
Kitty?

This was done by someone from that
ridiculous savings scheme.

Kitty turned him down and he got nasty.

For goodness sake, tell her, Kitty.

Please, just go, Jenny. I'll talk to you
later, I promise, and I'll explain it

all, but just go now.

Are you sure you'll be OK?

Of course you'll be OK!

Please, just go.

I've done it.

Just in time.

I've finished mine, too.

Hands off.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

Can we talk?

Of course.

But I'm late back, so do you mind if I
carry on?

Fine.

I understand you've taken over a savings
and loan scheme.

Look, Dennis, I would have discussed it
with you, but I was put into this

position and I really couldn't refuse.

I don't quite understand why you got
involved in the first place.

It's not as if I keep you short.

I was just being friendly.

And saving money for a rainy day.

But can you not see what sort of
position you put me in if anything goes

And why would anything go wrong?

What can go wrong will go wrong.

Your friends, my colleagues, many other
people have put their money into this

scheme. And if they don't get their
money back, they'll blame you.

Listen, they will get their money back.

All the books add up. Kitty's just lent
a bit too much money to one man.

Who?

George Harrow or Harlow. I'm not sure
which.

And where does Mr Harrow or Harlow live?

I don't know.

Look, I went up there to find out,
but... I think I'd like to take a look

those books, Jenny.

And in future, it might be better if you
talked things over with me before you

got yourself involved in one of these...

Here brings schemes.

And on that cheek and o 'er that brow,
so soft, so calm, yet eloquent,

the smiles that win, the tints that
glow, but tell of days in goodness

spent, a mind at peace with all below, a
heart whose love

is innocent.

I told Mrs Ventress not to get involved.

Goodness only knows how much money she's
lost.

She's not the only one, Alf.

Looks like a few folks round here
fancied the idea of a bit of extra cash.

none of us see her money again unless we
can link it to Updike.

And this Harlow Harrow bloke seems to
have been added later, and in a bit of a

hurry. Well, there's no one in the phone
book with either of those names.

I think it's safe to assume that he
doesn't exist, except as a crude attempt

cover her tracks.

Looks like it.

I think it's time we went and asked Mrs
Sanders a few questions, found out

exactly what she's been up to.

Well, then.

If you're going to collect Mrs Hewlett,
how are you going to get your poem in on

time? Well, it doesn't seem much point,
now that we're no longer competing

against each other.

But it's bound to win.

Well, it was just a first attempt.

I can't help feeling that I could have
made it just a little bit better, given

more time.

But what about the prize?

Dinner for two in that posh restaurant?

I'd sooner give someone else a chance.

Someone for whom dinner for two would be
a real treat.

Where's Dr Merrick? I want a word with
her. I'm sorry, she's in her surgery at

the moment. I'll tell her you're here.

Dr Merrick.

interfering doctors.

I've just about had enough of the lot of
you. What do you think you're playing

at? Telling me, boss, I'm not fit to
work.

Sticking your noses in.

I'm losing my job because of you.

David?

Hello.

What are you doing here?

I'd known you were coming into Ashford.
We had a given you Vernon's poem to

deliver.

Why doesn't he deliver it himself?

We decided not to enter.

But I think folks ought to hear this.
It's a masterpiece.

Where's yours?

No point in putting my foolish
scribblings up against theirs.

Hey, don't worry. Get it in.

Hello, Liz. I never said Hervey Lloyd
couldn't continue working. I just said

couldn't continue with the same level of
physical work.

Look, he's a gamekeeper.

A good one, but that's his job and it's
hard. He could do lighter things. Office

work, maybe.

How's he going to feel about that? He's
an outdoor man. How do you think he'll

feel about losing his job, his home,
everything all in one go?

Look, I am not about to put him on the
street.

That's not the way he's telling it.

Well, he's upset.

Understandable, but you'll calm down.

I don't even talk about the
practicalities.

You'll let him keep his tied cottage?

It's in the estate's best interest for
me to employ a new gamekeeper who can do

the work safely.

Where's he going to live if Herbie
stays?

That's not my problem.

No, no, you're right, it's not.

Liz!

Whose idea was it to start up a savings
and loan scheme?

It was.

Just something we talked about and I
thought I'd give it a go.

Worst decision you ever made.

Who talked about it, Mrs Sanders?

Does the name Martin Updike mean nothing
to you?

Is that him?

Is that who it is?

Yes, Sergeant Martin.

I do know Martin.

I should listen to my reasoning.

Now I see you don't fear a thing.

So make you see how it starts to be.

If it's all right.

Who is this Updike?

He's a conman, who uses people to set up
savings and loan companies, only to run

off with all the money.

You let a complete stranger talk you
into doing this? I didn't know he was a

conman. And he's the one that did that?

I hit my head on the windscreen when the
car crashed.

What car?

Not the standard.

Could we just let your wife tell us what
happened, please?

So you met with Updike last night, yes?

People were asking for loans, so I
needed to get some of the money back.

They were my friends.

When he said no, it was a complete
surprise.

We argued, the car crashed and I ran
off.

Not before emptying his wallet.

It wasn't his money.

It belonged to the scheme, my friends.

Oh, that was the hospital.

Updates will gain consciousness.

You best get round there and hear what
he has to say.

Why did you give up Doug, the money?

For safekeeping.

At least, that's what he told me.

And you had no idea what he was up to?

It was only when we were in the car that
he told me he was going and that he was

taking the money with him.

We were arguing.

Then he turned to speak to me and then
we crashed.

This car crash?

It's not the one I reported this morning
up at Ogden Lane.

Yes, it is.

But that happened at middle of night,
didn't it?

Mrs Sanders, are you sure you wouldn't
rather do this at the station?

No, it's all right.

He's going to find out sooner or later.

You met this man at middle of night?

I arranged to meet him after you'd gone
to bed.

I had to talk to him, get the money off
him.

This is not to do with no loan scheme,
is it?

He's your lover, isn't he?

Whatever you... Can you blame me?

How else was I supposed to get any
excitement round here?

Get her out.

Get her out of here before I do
something I regret.

Hugh, I'm sorry.

I wish I'd never met him. I didn't mean
to... Come on, Mrs Sanders, let's get

you a cup.

I decided against using it anyway.

I've been thinking, Herbie.

There's no -one knows the estate or the
pheasant breeding programme like you,

and I can't do it on my own.

Experienced gamekeepers are few and far
between, so promoting one of the lads

would be the easiest option.

And the cheapest.

But there's none of them up to the job.

Not without training.

I've no time to train anyone up.

Well, you do it.

Could take years.

Yeah, could.

I'd be head gamekeeper, like.

Pretty much.

So we're getting a pay rise, wouldn't
we?

Good luck, Abby.

You understand that you're not under
arrest at this moment, Mrs Sykes?

Yes, thank you.

So, tell us about Martin Updike.

We met in Ashfordly.

There were no free tables in the cast,
so he ended up sharing mine.

He chatted you up?

I suppose.

I don't set out to have an affair, but
you were so different from Hugh.

Exciting.

When did he bring up the idea of the
savings scheme?

Not straight away.

He kept trying to get me to buy things I
couldn't afford.

He seemed incredulous that I didn't
belong to a savings and loan.

Said all the ladies in Nottingham did,
that's how they got the things they

wanted. A few pennies put aside each
week, that's all it took.

Seemed such a good idea.

So you went around getting all your
friends to join?

It took off.

Everyone wanted in and the money built
up really quickly.

Believe me, Sergeant Merton, I had no
idea what he was up to.

Do you honestly think I'd have let my
friends down like that, especially

Could I have a word, Sergeant?

I've just spoken with Updike.

He's admitted to the paving the mound
scam.

What did you say about Mrs.

Sanders? Was she in on it or no? Not at
first, apparently, but she guessed soon

enough and wanted to go with him. And he
had no intention of taking her?

Sure, the money.

Not in his nature, if you ask me, Sarge.

Good work, Bellamy. Thank you.

Sarge, when he told her that she didn't
feature in his future plans, as he put

it, she went berserk.

Grabbed the steering wheel and, while he
ragged, she tried to kill him.

One of my constables has just spoken to
Martin Updike, and he says that you knew

exactly what was going on.

I thought he loved me.

I was willing to risk everything.

He was stupid, wasn't he?

He'd refused me to get the money, and
now I've nothing.

You were in the car when he told you.

I just... I don't know, I went mad, I
suppose. I grabbed the steering wheel.

I didn't care if we crashed.

You could have died, both of you.

He was my only way out, do you see?

And if he wouldn't take me with him, I
didn't want to live.

And I didn't want him to either.

Mr Lawson?

Come in.

It's all right to drop in on you like
this, only, um... Well, I felt bad about

how we left things earlier.

No.

I shouldn't have interfered.

It's just that I felt bad for Herbie.

You're at every right. He's your
patient.

And you'll be pleased to know I think
I've found a solution.

I promoted him.

Promoted him?

Head gamekeeper.

That way he gets a lad to help him with
the heavy work while he trains him up as

his eventual replacement.

Oh, well, that's wonderful.

But is there enough work for two
gamekeepers plus yourself?

Well, I, uh... Promise not to tell Lord
Ashfordly if you don't.

Oh, but there are conditions.

And what are they?

Well, you call me Ben.

And, uh... Let me take you for a drink.

What's he doing here?

I've come to take my wife home.

If you're finished with her.

I'm afraid your wife won't be going home
tonight, Mr. Sanders.

We've charged her with malicious
wounding.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs Maud Boonroyd.

Come on, we're late.

David, you can't take him in there.

Bernard, what are we doing here?

We didn't even enter the competition.

You did.

I put your poem in.

A sad reflection, some might say, on the
lack of interest in literature today.

However, there was one particular entry
which displayed an extremely keen

knowledge of classical poetry.

Do we have a Mr Vernon Scripps here?

Well, we obviously had to eliminate
yours, Mr Scripps, for plagiarism.

It was hardly likely not to recognise
Byron, was I?

You... Shh! That left just two poems.

One of which was strange and
interesting, but the other one was

winner. So without further ado, I would
like to award the prize for his poem,

Ode to Alfred, to Mr. David Stockwell.

Well, I'd best get back to Mrs Ventress
and play us the music.

Alf, I'm so sorry.

You weren't to know, Jen.

I'd have entered mine if I'd known you
were going to be cheating. I didn't

cheat. I just got confused. I remembered
it and thought I'd written it.

I won.

What? The poetry competition?

Well done, David.

You wrote a poem, David, and it won.

Yeah. I mean, it wasn't a lovey -dovey
one.

I took your advice and I wrote it all
about Alfred.

Come on then, David, let's hear it.

Go on, I wonder if you know the thing
that I was doing out of my prize.

Oh, it's called Ode to Alfred.

The greatest love I've ever found comes
not from man, but from a hound

who greets me daily with a barking
sound.

As on my bed he loves to bound, does
Alfred.

At my side as I walk around, he runs
along and sniffs the ground.

My friend is worth a million pound.

My good and loyal faithful hound is
Alfred.

And that's it.

What a beaten man.

Are you going to create for the dinner
for two?

Not Alfred, I hope.

No.

I thought maybe Gina and Mr Bellamy
might like

to have it.

Well, I thought after all that's
happened that they might need to have it

than me.

Yeah.

Another smack in the mouth in a minute
and you don't get out of me way. I can't

seriously think Phil would get a gun and
shoot someone.

Well, you're too upset to give me the
time of day, but you can still flirt

some bloke. Help!