All language subtitles for Heartbeat s02e07 A Talent for Deception

Heartbeat, why do you miss when my baby
kisses me?

Heartbeat, why does a love kiss stay in
my memory?

I want one of them bank draft things.
You know, it's a bit like a cheque.

Yeah, for how much, sir?

It's all in here.

I'm afraid I've had it hidden a bit near
some pigs.

Right. Do you have an account with us?

No, I'm afraid I've always made my own
arrangements. I don't really trust

anybody. I'm not too sure about myself.

Money's quite safe with this bank, sir,
I can assure you.

Ah, well, if you believe that, you'll
knit fog.

How much is it going to cost me?

Oh, hello, love. I thought you were out
doing your rounds.

Didn't you hear me trying to start the
car?

Oh, don't say you've flooded it again.

Of course I haven't.

It just so happens that my car has to
stand outside all night in all weathers

because there isn't any room in here.
It's not surprising it won't start.

Look, I'm late for the surgery. Can I
take this?

Well, no. She needs a bit of work. The
engine's pinking.

Pinking?

Well, what am I supposed to do?

I'll tell you what. I'll give you a lift
on my bike.

I'm going to get Mostyn to look at your
car.

Why don't you just take this thing apart
and store it in cardboard boxes?

Give it as much use.

By the way, there was a phone call for
you.

Peter Hughes.

Peter Hughes?

I told him to ring the surgery.

That's a voice from the past.

What did he say?

Well?

Is Kate there? Oh, Nick, come on.

Kate, if one of your old boyfriends from
university rings up, I'm hardly going

to interrogate them. It's bad manners.

You'll probably ring the surgery.

Okay, we'll send someone round right
away.

Morning.

Hi, Nick. What was that about?

Er... Oh, what's his name? From the
Oddfellows Hall. Says he's been broken

and flooded out.

Vandals. What do you mean, flooded?

He says you want to see his new parquet
floor. It looks like the Rocky

Mountains. I don't believe it.

I've booked that place for a football
club talent contest on Saturday night.

Well, you'll want to find somewhere
else. I've hired a dinner suit.

You ain't got time.

I'm sorry to have the entrance yet, let
alone the prizes.

Oh, gas and no -do.

I mean, you shouldn't have volunteered.

I wanted to stay in with the committee,
didn't I?

Well, how far have you got?

I mean, I don't want to miss out on
being MC for the evening.

Well, I've got these so far, and, well,
these are clean.

Oh, dear.

You got any posters up?

Posters? Yeah, publicity. That's what
gets people in.

Oh, go round to the Oddfellows Hall.
I'll sort something out.

Cheers, Al.

Get moving, Phil.

By the way, my office.

You too, Rowan.

Now.

Now, you two are aware of the recent
bank robberies in the North Riding, I

it? There was that one in North Allerton
the other day.

Well, I've just had a call from the
manager of the Northern Provincial.

He's concerned about somebody he's
spotted hanging about there the past

of days.

A woman.

Now, I think it's a load of rubbish, but
get out there, check it over, and put

his mind at rest.

But don't take all day over it.

Right, Captain.

I noticed she was hanging about
yesterday.

Then she was here again this morning.

I was just going to ask her what her
business was when she left.

What time was this?

Soon after we opened.

Then I saw she'd settled in over the
road and she was watching our regular

delivery. And how often is that?

Every week.

Same day.

Nick, she's gone.

Excuse us.

What's new, pussycat?

What's new, pussycat?

Pussycat, pussycat, I've got flowers and
lots of hours to spend with

you. So go and bother your cute little
pussycat nose.

Pussycat, pussycat, I love you. Yes, I
do.

And your pussycat nose.

What's new, pussycat?

The lady who came in.

Guest here, is she? You mean Miss Smith?

Couldn't see your register, could I? Of
course you can.

How long's she staying?

A few more days, I think.

You can take one of those three times a
day.

For the next ten days, you should be
fine.

You're welcome. Bye -bye.

Lisa, what are you doing here? Waiting
for you.

Nick said you'd run, but I didn't
realise you were actually in Alesbury.

I'm here for a few days walking, staying
up the road in Elthamby.

I thought I'd look you up.

Are you on your own?

Yes, my wife decided to stay in London.

How are you anyway?

Fine. We both are.

Why don't we all go out for dinner?

Great. When?

Tomorrow night.

Drop round to the house later on. We've
got something out.

Nick will be delighted.

Why don't we meet for a drink this
evening?

Eight o 'clock at the Aidensfield Arm?
Great. Yeah, I'll see you tonight, then.

I'm afraid Oddfellow's Hall is a
disaster zone, Al.

CID found fingerprints on the pipework,
but that's not much help, is it? So,

we're stuck.

So why don't you try the Aidensfield
Hall?

Oh, will do.

When you finish gossiping, Rowan, that
should make out a report.

Ashfordly Police.

No, it's a talent contest, not a Buddy
Holly look -alike competition.

Ashfordly Police.

All sounds rather unlikely to me, Rowan.
Is that all she did?

Sorry to interrupt, sir. I've just had a
call from the George Hotel.

Apparently Miss Smith has checked out.

I said we wanted to know.

Well, let's hope she weren't Ned Kelly
in disguise.

Don't waste any more time on it, Rowan.
There's more important things in life.

Now, a little bird tells me that
Greengrass has been bragging about a

heading his way. Do you know anything
about this?

News to me, Sarge.

Then I think you should find out exactly
what he's up to.

Don't you, Constable?

Yes, Sarge.

So that be all, Sarge? Carry on.

Everything all right?

He's just finished.

I've cleaned the points and given the
battery a boost.

Nothing serious, then? I just don't
really.

Bye.

See you.

You see?

Yeah.

Guess why Peter Hughes rang.

He's up here on holiday.

He's invited us to dinner tomorrow
night.

Oh, I can't tomorrow night.

Late shift.

Oh, Nick, he's only around for a few
days.

Well, you go if you want to.

You don't mind?

Why should I?

Well... Kate, if you'd wanted to marry a
millionaire brewing heir, you would

have done.

Where did I go wrong?

Think of all that money.

I said we'd meet him for a drink tonight
as well. See you later.

Hello, Jules.

Hello, Nick.

You started taking in guests again?

Matter of fact, we have.

What's her name?

Smith. Mrs Smith.

Why? What's your interest?

Oh, nothing special.

Now, what's all this I hear about a
certain mutual acquaintance of ours

into some money?

Greengrass? I heard he'd bought a strip
of Holtby Moore.

Holtby Moore?

You know, up beyond Filingdale's. I
can't think why.

It's bleak up there and the strip is
bane, weren't it? It isn't big enough to

feed a couple of sheep.

All right. Thanks, George.

Bye.

Hello, Nick.

Long time. Peter Hughes.

Oh, yeah. I remember you. Can I buy you
a drink? And please don't give me that

old line about not while I'm on duty.

Old it might be, but it happens to be
true.

So, maybe another time.

All right.

What are you doing?

Delta Alpha 2 -4 to Control, you're
receiving, over.

Go ahead, Nick.

Alf, do you know anything about Holtby
Moor?

Get off it before you're blown off it.

Thanks a lot, Alf.

The social side of this club's gone
right downhill since he got on the team.

Here we go, boys.

Here he is.

Help yourself.

I hope your love life's better organised
than this talent contest, eh, Phil?

I hear there's been postponement due to
lack of venue.

Don't believe everything you hear.

Just thought I'd open it.

Oh,

and what's that, then?

There we go.

It's all a bit... rustic.

Centre of the village, this place.

Whatever it is, I must agree with you.

Yes, it does.

Coming back here was the best thing I
could have done.

Are you sure?

Absolutely.

It took me a bit of time to see that,
though.

I wonder where Nick is.

I left him a note.

It all seems a long way from Trafalgar
Square.

Do you remember that time we nearly got
arrested?

Yes.

You know what struck me as the CND type?

Why did you come on that march?

I must have enjoyed the company.

And I suppose you see much of that sort
of thing up here.

We have CND demonstrations here too, you
know. Do you go on them?

That's not the point.

Yes, it is.

You know, you're the last one I expected
to settle down and become a responsible

local bigwig.

Peter, you and I are in danger of
falling out.

Kate, sorry to hurt you. Well, that's
all right. Phil Bellamy, this is Peter

Hughes, an old friend.

Pleased to meet you, mate. Kate,

you couldn't do me a favour, could you?

Go on. You know this talent contest
we've got to organise this weekend?

Yes. Well, we're a bit short on judges.

Who have you got so far?

Alderman Halstead, Doc Ferrenby.

And I was thinking we could do with
somebody a bit younger on the panel.

I see what you mean.

And somebody in your position...
Withstanding in the community.

Exactly. A bigwig.

Shut up, Peter. I'd love to.

Thanks, Kate.

You're welcome. Talk to you later.

Yeah.

Well, it's just that you'd be the fourth
person to sing Where the Bee Sucks.

Oh, yes.

Oh, that would be a very good choice.

Goodbye. Don't worry. I think you're
safe from her.

Are you sure I can't drive you home? No,
it's all right. But I'd like to.

Really, there's no need. I'll see you
tomorrow.

Okay.

Good night, Catherine.

Another pint, please.

Oh, hey, George, I know I don't want to
ask you. Have you heard out about this

talent contest thing?

Aye, village hall this Saturday.

I'm doing my WC feels.

Shouldn't go well.

I thought you were going to join us.

I had to get this finished.

You could have dropped in and said
hello.

How'd it go?

Fine, thanks.

How is he?

Same as ever.

Good.

Right.

Let's get this back.

Bloody hooligans!

Will he be alright?

Well, we won't know until we've got him
to hospital.

Did you see what hit him?

I just heard a screeching as he came
round the corner and a bit of a bang.

By the time I got out here, all I could
see was taillights heading towards

Helsingby.

Then I saw the bike.

There's a few paint traces here.

We'll see better in the daylight.

Would you mind if I leave the bike in
your yard?

I'll be up in the morning.

Of course not.

You will let me know if it's all right.

Yeah. Thanks, Mr. Oldham.

Right, come on, Tom.

What do you want, Claude? We're not open
yet. Where's George?

Where are you going? Come on, Tom.

You're not safe, are you?

Good. It's you I want to work with.

What for?

I was thinking about this talent
contest.

I think I know a way how we can make a
few, Bob. I'm not doing anything

Claude. Wait until you're asked.

Now, I was thinking, like, I could run a
book, you know, take bets on the

contestants, and if we could bring in a
dark horse, you know, like a

professional actor, something they know
no doubt about, it could make them

favourite and clean up.

But who do you know with the talent?

Well, that's what I'm asking you. You're
always on about these pop groups, you

know, in Liverpool.

What?

You're suggesting I ask friends of mine
to come all the way from Liverpool to

play in an Ashfordly athletic talent
competition?

Well, why not?

Close. Half my mates have trouble
getting out of bed, let alone trekking

miles to the middle of nowhere.

I'll make it worth the while, won't I?

Oh, you will, will you?

What, there'll be travel expenses?

Accommodation?

Bit of cash in hand?

How much were you thinking?

I'll make it worth the while.

Now open your mouth really wide.

Say ah.

Ah.

No. It doesn't look inflamed at all.
Well, I just wanted to make sure. When

said it was awkward swallowing, she's
singing in a talent contest, you see.

Oh, right.

I don't think you've got anything to
worry about.

He ought to be one of the judges.

Word travels fast.

She's ever so good, our Mavis.

Would you like to hear?

No, really. I look forward to hearing
her on the night.

Well, goodbye, Doctor, and thanks for
setting my mind at rest.

You're welcome.

And... Thank you for the eggs.

Excuse me. Oh, yes, Mrs. Smith. Is there
a telephone I can use, somewhere

private? Of course, just through there.

Help yourself.

Thank you.

How's the doctor's car, then?

It's fine, thanks.

Did you hear about that hit -and -run
last night? I heard about that.

Yeah, we were looking for a blue car.

We found paint traces on the bicycle
involved, so if you hear anything...

I'll let you know.

Hey, what was it?

Excuse me, Constable.

Can you tell me where to find one D .J.

Greenground? The directions I have
aren't very clear.

Right, you want to go through the
village, bear right at the end, and it's

half a mile up on the left. You can't
miss it. It's quite distinctive.

I wonder what that's about.

Looks like the taxman's caught up with
Greengrass at long last.

Poor old Claude.

Not before time, mind you.

It's not the robbery that's the problem,
I tell you. It's the takeaway.

It simply doesn't work at the moment.

Unless I can sort it out, there's
absolutely no point in going through

Weeks of observation wasted.

Yeah, these will get the punters queuing
up. Right.

I've got old Sanderson coming round with
a bottle of champagne, but don't let

Blaketon see it, because it's a prize.

Blimey, Alfred, they all like that.

Unfortunately, no.

I've got a teddy bear, and I've got a
sort of hamper from those grocers down

road, but that's that.

You're disgusting, Ventress.

And tidy your desk up.

It's a disgrace.

That's what I heard.

What do you make of this?

I found it in a waste paper basket.

Yeah, it's the Northern Provincial Bank.

Right, I'd better phone in.

Thanks, George.

Hello there.

Well, I... It sounded like a busy
surgery this morning.

Are we going to have an epidemic or
something?

Nothing more serious than stars in the
eyes, I think.

What? How do you mean?

I've spent the entire morning being
badgered by doting mums telling me how

kids deserve to win the talent contest.

Yes, of course, I'd heard.

You're joining us judges, eh? Well,
that's good news.

Have you been getting visitors as well?

I did, till I stopped answering the
bell.

I'm a bit worried about the ethics of
it.

In what way?

Well, they all seem intent on giving me
things.

Well, in that case, my advice is accept
graciously any foodstuffs, but draw the

line at cash.

That's what I do. Come on, let me open
the door for you.

All the people down the street, whoever
you meet, say I'm a bad boy.

Say I'm a bad boy.

Say I'm a bad boy.

Even dear old Dad...

He gets mad, says I'm a bad boy.

Says I'm a bad boy.

Good morning, Nick.

Thought you couldn't join us last night.

Is this your car?

We're being very serious, aren't we?

It's a very serious matter.

Has the car been washed recently?

Yes, Constable, this morning.

Where were you between 10 and 11 last
evening?

Well, I'd rather think you know.

I was with your wife.

Then I left the pub here and drove back
to Elstonby.

Would you mind telling me what this is
all about?

There was an accident on that road last
night.

The driver didn't stop.

A cyclist was knocked down and we found
traces of blue paint on his bike.

Hit and run, you mean?

A man's still in hospital.

Well, I'm sorry.

I can't help.

I didn't see anything.

Well, please don't go anywhere without
letting me know first.

I might need to speak to you again.

Well, Kate knows where I am.

Yes, sir, I spoke to the manager.
They're not due a cash delivery until

week.

Meanwhile, the woman seems to be staying
put.

I've had her under observation most of
the day and...

And we'll be warned if she shows any
signs of packing up.

Right, sir.

Thank you.

What are they up to?

I rang the hospital this morning. He
won't get a statement until tomorrow at

earliest.

Okay.

Don't put this the wrong way, but did
Peter leave the pub at the same time as

you last night?

I don't know. Why?

He was driving back to Elsinby, wasn't
he?

You're not suggesting he was the hit
-and -run driver?

Well, his car's the right colour.

Peter would have stopped. I know he
would.

Well, I have to consider the
possibilities.

Are you sure that's all you're
considering?

I was saving that.

It's only mine.

Here you are.

Fred Smith, chilling on.

Oscar Blake.

Ah, Mrs Bromley, what can we do for you?

Excuse me, Mr Greengrass, but is it true
that you're taking bets on the talent

competition? Yeah, that's right. I
thought I ought to provide the service,

know, just for a bit of fun, why?

Well, tell me, how does it work?

Well, you can either bet them to win or
each way to be in the first three.

I see. And what price are you offering
on the junior school's sugarplum

Sugarplum fairies?

Sugarplum fairies.

Ah, yes.

You can have 20 to 1, Mrs Bromley. All
right, we'll have £5.

£5? What, to win?

Each way.

£5 each way, all right.

£5 each way for Sugar Plum Fairies, Mrs
Bromley, 20 to 1.

There is one car that could be a
suspect.

It's the right colour.

Any marks on it?

It's got a few scratches.

It's been newly washed. All right, I'll
remove the evidence.

The driver said it was dirty.

I'll keep on to it, Rowan. He's not
getting away with this.

Three sugars.

Bellamy, you still here? Your shift
ended hours ago.

Yes, Sarge, I wanted to finish some
paperwork and clear my desk for the

Time and all, this place is like a
rubbish tip.

And would you kindly tell me why there's
a box full of assorted provisions

behind your stool?

I didn't miss shopping before I came in
this morning, Sarge. Then you might at

least have put it somewhere out of
sight. This is the police station, not

bloody co -op.

Champagne for your talent, sure. Who's
going to sign?

Will somebody kindly tell me what's
going on?

Anyway, lad, I've been organising a
talent contest for the local football

Sarge. It's been a surprise.

During police time?

You've been wasting valuable police time
on frivolities?

Well, we all help Sarge spread the load
a bit. It's the local team.

Since when have you played football?

No, it's all down to me, Sarge.

Then you'll have to take the
consequences, Bellamy.

I'll have to consider what action to
take very carefully.

Excuse me, my dear, can you tell me the
exact time?

It's 25 past seven.

Thank you.

It's all in the book. Ten bob, all
right?

There you go, Claude.

All the ten bob in the pot.

And don't worry, you'll get your share.
I've got Johnny doing the clerking.

How about the lads? Are they happy with
the deal?

Yeah, as long as you throw in a bit of
beer money extra.

So long as they're worth it. I mean,
they are really good, aren't they?

Claude, they're going to be on
Opportunity Knox next year.

I didn't ask you that. I asked if they
were any good.

They're brilliant.

Right.

Bring the sustenance.

Evening, Dr Owen. What can I get you?

Nothing, thanks. Is George around?

Oh, he's rehearsing.

Not him as well.

He can't escape it.

Between you and me, he's a bit put out
by the odds of clothes offering on him.

Greengrass is taking a bet?

Yeah. He's asked me to find him a dark
horse.

A couple of lads I know from Liverpool.

Claude thinks they'll win and he'll
clean up because no one's bet on them.

You shouldn't have said that, should I?

You won't tell your husband, will you?

Well, it depends whether his scheme
works or not.

What do you think?

Now, listen, I was going to ask George,
but you can probably tell me. My friend

last night, did he come back in after I
left?

Your husband was asking me the same
question.

Yep. He was still here at closing time.

Oh.

Oh!

Alex,

it's Nick.

I'm sorry to bother you, but Kate's out
for the evening.

I just had a call from the railway
station.

There's been an accident.

Yeah, all right. I'll see you there.

I've, um, split up with my wife.

You're getting ready to ask me, aren't
you?

What I was really doing here.

I'm sorry.

What happened?

I really liked myself when I was with
you.

We had a good time together.

Do you remember?

I haven't been that happy since, to be
honest.

Ever.

Yes, I do remember.

But it's a memory.

It's something that existed between us
that doesn't exist anymore.

Can you seriously tell me that you're
happy here?

Stuck in the middle of nowhere at the
policeman's wife.

I think I'd like to go home now.

Well, what were you doing here?

I was coming down the bank. I lost my
footing.

I fell.

Does that hurt?

Yes.

You feel that? Yes.

Well, I think it's only a sprain.

Let's try and get you to your feet.

Up today now.

You think you can put any weight on the
foot at all?

Yes, a bit. Good. We'll get you down to
the waiting room over there.

There now. Careful.

That's the way.

We had a fight over you, you know.

Who did?

Short but memorably violent.

Nick and I.

He never told you, did he?

He's been keeping secrets from you,
Kate.

You had a fight with Nick?

You didn't seriously expect me to give
you up without putting up a fight, did

you? Oh, don't be such a bloody idiot,
Peter. Oh, come on, you're just saying

that.

You haven't listened to a damn word I've
said.

You're just bored, Peter, face it.

Go back to your wife and put a bit of
effort into your marriage. Just go back

London. Can't.

What? Love to, can't.

Why not?

Because your delightful, impartial
husband has told me not to.

I'm a hit -and -run drunk driver, can't
you tell?

I'm stuck right here until he says I can
go.

Dirty fighter, old Nick.

for an X -ray just to be on the safe
side.

Aren't you Amanda Young?

Yes, I am.

Oh, gracious me. I'm a great fan of
yours. I've read so many of your books.

What brings you to Aidensfield?

I'm just doing some research for my new
book.

It all hinges around a false alibi. You
see, the villain had to go across

country at night in time to catch a
train. That's why I was coming down the

bank. It'll be a very boring book, but
at least nobody will be able to fault

back day.

Do you realise you've had half the local
police force running around in circles?

We thought you were the lookout for a
gang of armed robbers.

No. Really?

What fun!

I did see some policemen asking about me
at the hotel in Ashfordly. That's why I

came here, to avoid them.

Well, that just made us more suspicious.

Sorry for putting you to all that
trouble, young man.

Seriously.

Well, there just might be something you
can do for us.

You never told me you had a fight with
Peter.

You what?

You heard.

Who spoke this up?

Peter has.

So you had a good evening then?

What happened?

It was hardly a fight.

He took a swing at me, miffed and fell
over.

He was so drunk, I'm surprised he
remembered.

Is that all?

What did you want?

Blood?

Get up.

Don't believe me.

I don't.

Hey, George.

What's all that about?

He's only gone and sold Huntley more to
the Ministry of Defence.

He's made a fortune out of it. At least
25 ,000.

He didn't need the whole lot.

And Claude went and bought a few acres
of plum in the middle.

The crafty old beggar. Good morning,
Constable Rowan.

Good morning, Miss Young.

Where off to?

Your transport, madam. Good.

Good night, you go through.

Excuse me, chaps.

May I introduce you to our suspected
bank robber, who is, in fact, Miss

Young, the detective novelist.

How do you do?

How do you do?

More to the point, Phil, the answer to
your troubles.

Oh.

Well, didn't you notice that book
Blaketon was reading the other day?

He's a fan.

And Miss Young has offered to speak up
on your behalf.

Thanks very much.

What's your interest in a talent
contest?

She's going to be one of the judges.

She? And I thought I might offer a small
cash prize, just by way of an apology

to you all.

I know that would be much appreciated.

So, where is this Sergeant Blaketon?

Through here.

Come in.

Sarge, Miss Amanda Young.

The detective novelist.

Miss Young.

Well, I... I never realised.

Thank you, Rowan.

Well, I thought you looked familiar,
but, well, your photograph doesn't do

justice. Oh, that ridiculously
flattering photograph. I've asked my

to change it, but they never do.

Well, take a seat. This is a great
pleasure.

I've read all your books.

I'm a great fan.

So, what brings you to Ashfordly?

Oh, I've been invited to judge a talent
competition.

A talent competition?

Really?

Well,

I agree.

should have explained what a
distinguished event this talent

It's certainly something this police
station should be involved with.

Yes, Sarge.

In fact, I think that Sergeant Blakeney
would like to take part in the contest

himself. With you on the judges' panel,
I'd like that.

Er, what would you be doing, Sarge?

I haven't decided yet, Bellamy.

But, er, something classical.

A piece from Gilbert and Silliman, or
perhaps a dramatic recitation.

I do a very fine green eye of the little
yellow god.

Did you say something, Ventress?

No, no, Sarge.

Right, can I offer you a lift back to
Aidensfield, Miss Young? That would be

kind.

Sarge, could I have a quick word,
please?

Right. Will you excuse me?

Bellamy, tea.

Ventress, chair.

Sarge, the Ministry of Defence have just
brought Holtby Moore.

That's got something to do with filing,
Dale, I suppose.

Yeah, only they had a bit of trouble
with one of its owners.

He didn't want to sell when they needed
his patch.

You don't mean what I think you mean.

Well, they had to pay well over the
odds, Sarge.

The word is, Greengrass has made an
absolute fortune.

I don't believe it.

Bethane has made at least £25 ,000
profit.

He's driving up and down Aidensfield
High Street in a pink Cadillac.

Right there, Gina, Chuck.

Classy car for a classy act, eh? Hey,
hey, hey, mind the coachwork.

Have you changed?

No.

What about all this, then? A bit better
than that load of rubbish I sold you?

Well, you be careful where you park it.

Where did you get it from?

I bought it off one of those yanks up at
Filendale's.

Do you know about that land?

Business acumen, it's called, Constable.

Besides, when I was doing a bit of
rabbiting, I saw them surveying.

and with my silver tongue and a bit of
the dropsy, it worked wonders.

Anyway, you'll have to excuse me,
because I think I might be going to add

That's right.

Oh, my God.

Wish me luck.

You do realise if you make any wrong
decisions, half the village won't be

speaking to us tomorrow?

Thank you very much, Nick.

What do you think?

Fine.

Are you sure?

Yeah. You'll fit in with all the other
bigwigs.

Hey, you two. You'd better be getting
down there in case you call Daly.

I'm only waiting for the relief, Dad.

Another pint.

I thought you were supposed to be one of
the organisers.

What's all that lot got to do with
football?

Bellamy's benefit, I call it.

Be a waste of bloody time like the rest
of them.

Well, what have you got to be so
miserable about?

Just give us the beer, love, eh?

One, two, three, four.

Is that all right?

Quiet, please.

Bill, how are you getting on your spot
all right? I can't work it.

Do you know anything?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I've been constantly... What time are
you on?

Sorry. May I first of all say what a
pleasure it is to see so many of you

Now, we have a large number of entries
in the competition, so without further

ado, I'd like to introduce the judges.

First, all the way from London, the well
-known novelist Miss Amanda Young.

And from Ashfordly...

And from here in Aidensfield, the
distinguished doctors Fenelby and

Rowan.

I mean, Nick, what have you done with
your missus?

I'm not sure.

From Helsingby, little Mavis Smith.

I'd be surprised if we didn't get to
hear that frightful song a few more

before the evening's over.

Please welcome Oscar Blake.

There's a one -eyed yellow idol to the
north of Katmandu.

There's a little marble cross below the
town.

And a broken -hearted woman.

How did he make Sergeant? Well,

the yellow god forever gazes down.

He was known as Mad Carew.

I know that, Ventress.

He was known as Mad Carew by the subs at
Kathmandu. He was hotter than they felt

inclined to tell. But for all his
foolish pranks, he was worshipped in the

ranch. and the Colonel's daughter smiled
on him as well.

There's a famous seaside place called
Blackpool that's noted for fresh air and

fun.

And Mr.

and Mrs.

Ramsbottom... I don't think I'll let him
do my motor again.

It's just amazing how fair people can
be.

Seen at the nicest places where welfare
cases all stop to stare.

Making the grandest emphasis, Simon
Smith and his dancing bear. They love

won't they? They feed us, don't they?

Oh, who would think a boy and bear could
be well accepted everywhere? It's just

amazing how fair people can be.

Now, next we have a late entry, who've
come over from Liverpool to be here

tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, the
Mersey House.

Miss Gina Ward.

Well,

you know you make me want to shout.
Look, my hair's jumping. Look, my

heart's pumping.

Throw my hair back.

Come on now.

P .T. Rowan, can you come outside?

Yes. You ploughed right into my cup.

Now, look, that's my car there, and that
was it.

When I confronted him, he used a swear
word at me in front of my little boy. I

don't know.

That's where he crashed into mine.

Right. I don't know what the world's
coming to. I honestly don't.

Excuse me.

Oi,

where's your guy?

Get lost!

Assault for a start. Do you know this
bloke? Yeah, he's Mark's son. He's on

team. Take him, Phil. Come on, it's just
a bit of fun. This is your car?

Yeah, so?

I've reason to believe you left the
scene of an accident two nights ago

stopping on Elsonby Road.

It's rubbish.

Did that and assaulted a police officer
and drive him while under the influence.

Come on, take him. What have you been
doing there? Nothing.

You all right?

Phil, we'll take you down the station
later.

You want to check your fingerprints?

I bet they match the ones from
Woodfellow's Hall.

But why?

Dangerous game, isn't it?

What?

Football. And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the moment that you've all been waiting

for. If the judges have made their
decision... I want a word with you,

woman. Give me the book.

Right. Would you like to pull up on
stage, please?

The third prize... This remarkable teddy
bear...

goes to Master Adam Hardcastle for his
splendid display of tap dancing.

Twenty to one. Half his flaming family
have backed him each way.

And now for the second prize.

This wonderfully generous cheque from my
fellow judge, Miss Young, goes to

Aidenfield Junior School for their
dancing.

It goes just from bad to worse, this.

What's the name of this, Javi?

Now, for the first prize, a bottle of
champagne and a surprise hamper goes to

Gina Ward.

Can I have a word, please?

I just wanted to let you know we've
found the hit -and -run driver.

Oh, so it's not me.

Good. Am I free to go now, Constable?

Well, there's no need for you to hang
around here now.

Well, I finished here anyway.

See you, Nick. I've had a mug in his
money.

Evening, all.

Evening. Have you heard? I've done over
300 quid in there in cold blood. I'll

murder that Gina.

You did well.

I'm exhausted after that lot.

Greengrass is saying that you judges
cheat him out of some money.

Just call it natural justice at work.

Fancy a dance?

In your uniform.

Why not?

Going to walk me home?

No, you can't, Gran.

Why do you miss when my baby kisses me?

Heartbeat, why does a love kiss pain
my...