All language subtitles for Clarksons Farm S04E07.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab[EZTVx.to]

[banging]

[Jeremy] Now, alcohol licence.

This is to say we've applied to
West Oxfordshire District Council

to use the premises, here.

To update the floor plans.

-Bar on the first floor.
-Yes.

You need to show all
points of serving.

-[Jeremy] By the 27th of August.
-[Charlie] Yes.

Which would imply that they will give
us the licence by the 27th of August.

Yes.

But you're gonna now say,

"What happens for the days
prior to the 27th of August?"

[Charlie] Because we're gonna
open before that, aren't we?

-No.
-[Charlie] The 27th,

-that's after the Bank Holiday weekend.
-[Jeremy mumbles]

No, it isn't.

-Yes, it is.
-Is it?

[Charlie] Yes.

-No, the bank holiday's on the, erm...
-25th.

-Yeah.
-Oh.

I thought it was the
following weekend.

No.

We've got a week less to get
this place ready than I thought.

I thought the bank holiday
was the 31st. It's the 25th.

[Charlie] Correct. Yeah.

[record scratching]

[bang]

["Mama Weer All Crazee
Now" by Slade playing]

I've just found out the day
we were planning on opening,

we're actually opening
a week before that.

[Jeremy] August Bank Holiday is
normally the last weekend in August,

but this it isn't.

It's a week earlier this year.

Fucking hell.

[Jeremy] I'm really
sorry about that.

[Jeremy] Sorry, sorry.

[music continues playing]

[Jeremy] Everyone involved
in getting the pub open

had already been
working at a fair lick.

But, thanks to my inability
to read a calendar,

they now had to really
get the hammer down.

[Jeremy] Fucking hell,
white-van-tastic.

[Jeremy] Keir Starmer may not
know what the working class is,

but I do, and look at it!

[music continues playing]

[men shouting]

[music fading]

[soft folk music]

[Jeremy] Over at the farm,
Kaleb was on a deadline too,

because the crops were
now ready to be harvested.

But he was stuck in his
office, unable to get going

till Mother Nature said so.

So, hopefully next
week, if the weather...

Let's have a look at the
weather. If the weather's good,

we can get into
the spring barley.

There's so many weather apps
on my phone, it's unreal!

[laughing]

I just look at the one
that I want to look at now.

Like, I just set 'em all to
Egypt, it's really good weather.

Right, Monday's good.

Tuesday's then wet. Wednesday's
wet. Thursday's wet.

Shitting hell.

I'll give Charlie a quick buzz.

[dial tone]

-Charlie?
-[Charlie over the phone] Yeah?

[Kaleb] I was just
making a plan.

So, next week's pretty much a
no-go for wheat, I would say...

-Because have you seen the weather?
-[Charlie] Yeah.

It looks wet all week.

-[Charlie] We have... Seven...
-[breaking up]

Yeah, it will. It...
On the spring barley,

-because that week's...
-[breaking up]

-And therefore the next...
-[breaking up]

[communication breaking up]

My phone's got like zero... My
office... I need a new office.

Literally, if I walk
anywhere on this farm,

I've got signal. I walk into my
office, I've literally got one bar.

[communication breaking up]

[beeping]

I actually have no idea
what just happened.

I'm just gonna do
what I wanna do.

I don't know why I called him.

I'm the farm manager. I
get shit done, don't I?

[Jeremy] Meanwhile, I
was heading to the pub.

And it's fair to say I was
in for a bit of a shock.

[Jeremy] What? What the fuck?

Well, this is the only way in.

I just...

[Jeremy] What are they doing?

Hi, mate. Do you know how long
this is gonna be closed for?

[road worker] I wouldn't
know off the top of my head.

I'm assuming it'll be till the 23rd as
it says over there but I'm not sure.

I've only been
put on this today.

23rd of August and
we're opening that day?

[road worker] I wouldn't know. I'm
a trainee. I just do what I'm told.

Steady, steady.

[Jeremy] After getting to the
pub, there was another problem.

[Jeremy] Hmm...

[Jeremy] The canopy I'd ordered
instead of the overpriced umbrellas.

Erm...

[sighs] Christ.

[Jeremy] It's made this
dining room unbelievably dark.

[Jeremy] Bollocks.

That could be an
expensive mistake.

[soft music playing]

[Jeremy] On the
subject of money,

his cheerfulness then arrived
with one of his budget updates.

[Charlie] Erm,

Wi-Fi,

the dedicated line.

[Charlie] Monthly rental?

£1,000 a month.

-[Charlie] There's a giga...
-£1,000 a month?

Yeah, on a 12-month contract.

[Jeremy] Jesus.

Parking wardens have come in.

-Yeah?
-Six people here,

£200 each a day, £1,200 a day.

It's about £40,000 a month.

-Yeah, that's ridiculous.
-[Charlie] It's not sensible, is it?

[Jeremy sighing]

You know my sort of pessimistic budget
on how much this was all gonna cost?

I think we might
have breached that.

Hmm. Erm...

Let's hope people come.

[Jeremy] This brought
me to my next point.

-Roadworks.
-[Charlie] Yeah.

-According to the sign outside...
-[Charlie] Yeah.

-[Jeremy] They last until the 23rd.
-[Charlie] Yes.

We're opening on the 23rd,

so nobody will be
able to come here.

Erm, I'm gonna speak
to the contact because,

I'm not quite sure
why they've shut

the actual junction
off the roundabout.

[Jeremy] Yeah,
yeah, yeah, exactly.

So you're going to talk
to the roadwork people?

-[Charlie] Yeah.
-This tent is my responsibility

and I'm gonna have
to do something,

'cause there's no light
in that room anymore.

[Charlie] Well, the lights are
on, and you can't see any...

Yeah, okay, there's
electrical light.

But that room's always
been so bright and sparkly.

It also feels a bit...

I can't imagine you
like this sort of thing.

I mean...

I...

I didn't think,
"Wow, that's nice."

And I do often think, "Wow,
that's nice" to some things!

"I didn't think,
'Wow, that's nice.'"

["Just Dropped In" by Kenny Rogers
& The First Edition playing]

♪ What condition my
condition was in ♪

[Jeremy] Given the pressing need
to make up for my calendar cock-up,

all hands were needed on deck.

And since it was still
too wet to harvest,

Kaleb came over

to help me and Mark the
brewer demolish the old bar.

I want the pennies
out of it. [laughing]

♪ I just dropped in ♪

♪ To see what condition
my condition was in ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah ♪

♪ What condition my
condition was in ♪

♪ I pushed my soul... ♪

Oh no, Lisa!

[Jeremy] No, Lisa,
don't do that.

[Jeremy] As the old
bar was taken apart,

the engine room of
the pub, the kitchen,

was starting to come together.

♪ I got up so tight,
I couldn't unwind ♪

♪ I saw so much,
I broke my mind ♪

Nice. Nice one.

♪ To see what condition
my condition was in ♪

[Jeremy] And in the
surrounding countryside...

[bleating]

The farming cooperative we'd
formed were rounding up the animals

that would soon go
through that kitchen.

[farmer] Hey-ya. Hey-ya.

[music fading]

[Jeremy] A couple
of dry days later...

-[Jeremy] This field?
-[Kaleb] Yeah, let's go this field.

[Jeremy] It looked like we
could finally start harvesting.

[Kaleb] Two, down low.

[Jeremy] And even though I
was very busy at the pub,

I wasn't gonna miss that.

[Jeremy] This needs
to be below 15?

-[Kaleb] Yeah, so 14.5 is what we want.
-[Jeremy] Yeah, 14.5, that's right.

-Test?
-Yeah.

Here we go.

[Jeremy] Right, we want
it to be less than 14.5.

[beeping]

-[Kaleb] Hm!
-[Jeremy] 15.6, that's not bad, actually.

Right, well, why
don't I go to the pub?

Yeah. I'll keep checking
it and let you know, yeah?

Yeah, as soon as it's dry.

-You promise you'll let me know?
-[Kaleb] Yeah.

-[Jeremy] I'll see you later then.
-[Kaleb] Yeah.

[Jeremy] My phone will be on.

[soft folk music playing]

[Jeremy] As soon as
I arrived at the pub,

Mark the brewer whisked me off to see
our brand-new, hi-tech beer pumps.

-[Jeremy] Do these excite you, Mark?
-[Mark] They do, actually.

[Mark laughing]

I can actually see!
Your beard is vibrating!

[Mark] It's just going...

-[Jeremy] Eight different types of beer.
-[Mark] Yeah.

-[Jeremy] Four will go through that one.
-[Mark] Four through, and four that one.

[Jeremy] Why is it so good?

We don't need to clean... I said we
need to clean our lines once a week.

Yeah.

This kit allows you

to not clean lines
for four to six weeks.

So imagine all that
beer you're saving.

-So we're saving?
-Saving beer.

So how long are the pipes here?

[Mark] I think it was 15 foot to the
bar and then 20 foot that goes up.

So it's not, like, too bad.

-But we've got narrower pipes.
-But we'd still be losing with eight...

We'd still be losing every
time we clean them every week?

[Mark] We would.

[Jeremy] 40 pints a
week we'd be losing.

And then with these...

-We don't have... Yeah, we literally...
-We lose them once a month?

[Mark] Yeah.

[Jeremy] Mark may
have been excited

by what looked like airline-loo
baby-changing flaps,

but not as excited as I was

when Nick the chef
called me over

to show me the first draft
of our new all-British menu.

Sausage rolls and
pickled... Pickled eggs!

[Nick] Pickled eggs, yeah.

[Jeremy] I like that.

Chicken liver pâté, that's good.
Pressed ham and piccalilli.

[Jeremy] Gammon steak.

Gammon, bubble and squeak,
parsley sauce. It's really...

-[Nick] It's hard for those guys to...
-I'm aroused at those words.

So excited!

[Sue laughing]

[tense music playing]

-[device beeping]
-14.3.

[Kaleb] Bang on.
So it's go time.

Let me ring Simon quickly.

[rock music playing]

Here we go.

-[Simon] We're off.
-[Kaleb] Harvest 184.

So, we need Jeremy
with his grain cart.

Nah, leave him.

Leave him at the pub.
I haven't told him.

He wanted me to tell
him, to be fair.

He's not coming?

-No.
-[Simon chuckling]

[Kaleb] I don't know, yeah.

It's easier when he's not here.

[rock music resuming]

Here we go! First load.

[shutter clicking]

[rock music fading]

[Lisa moaning] Oh, my God. It's
going to be September soon.

Summer didn't start until
June this year, did it?

[Jeremy] Well, we've only had
about four days this year.

-I don't think it's been that bad.
-[Jeremy] What?

[Lisa] What?

Fucking Kaleb.

[Jeremy] Oh. Fucking hell.

[Simon over radio] That was doing
over 7.7 tons a hectare just there.

-[Kaleb over radio] That's good going.
-[Simon over radio] Yeah.

[tense music playing]

[Jeremy] I'll fucking kill him. I'm
gonna... Every bone in his crotch.

It's the best day of
the year, harvesting.

Right, where the
bloody hell is he?

There he is.

There he is.

[tense music stops]

Ugh...

[Kaleb] Hi, mate. How are ya?

[Jeremy] Here's a tip
from an older, wiser man.

If you're gonna try and
do the harvest without me,

don't put pictures of yourself
doing the harvest on Instagram.

Oh fuck. I forgot about that!

[Kaleb] Why was you on Instagram anyway?
You should have been working over there.

[Kaleb laughing] What?!

[Jeremy] Behold my genius.

[whirring]

[Jeremy] An agricultural Stannah
stairlift. Anyway, listen.

I am cross with you.

I was gonna tell you. I
just wanted to get going

-and make sure it was okay.
-You've done a whole field without me.

Yeah, nearly done
20 acres, yeah.

[Jeremy] Without me.

-Yeah.
-[Jeremy] When were you gonna tell me?

[laughing] When I'd
finished the barley!

Fucking wanker. Honestly, I
can't believe he'd do that.

[Jeremy] Kaleb's
treachery aside,

I was now back in
my happy place.

[epic music playing]

This tractor's
better. It's taller,

so I can see into the
trailer more easily.

[Simon] Ah!

[Jeremy] Back at the yard, the barley
would be stored in our new stone barn.

Oh. The cattle crush is
gonna make this very tricky.

[Jeremy] Oh, dear.

[Jeremy] That is
a narrow opening.

-[banging]
-[Jeremy] Shit.

What the fuck have I just hit?

This is a proper emergency.
I've hit something.

And my Stannah stairlift
has gone fucking...

Oh! Jesus fucking Christ!

[Jeremy] Oh...

[Jeremy knocking]

Fuck! Fuck, fuck.

First time we've ever used the barn and
he's left the fucking cattle shed out.

The cattle crush, so I
can't get anything in.

Lazy ginger.

Move the fucking cattle crush.

Why can't he ever do anything?

[rattling]

[engine roaring]

[Jeremy] Right.

Oh...

Now we've got a problem.

I actually mean this.

-[Kaleb] What's that?
-[Jeremy] I am pissed off.

-[Kaleb] Why?
-I actually am pissed off.

-[Kaleb] What's happened?
-Well, because

the cattle crush
should have been moved.

It should. Kaleb, they should.

But the cattle crush is there 'cause
we were TB testing two days ago.

I know, but when you're actually trying
to reverse a tractor this size...

I've twatted into the wall.

I've had to move the
cattle crush. I'm 63.

I've had to move the cattle crush
on my own to get this in there.

[Kaleb] Well, I
don't... [sighing]

[Jeremy] No, seriously.

I think we should have
been loading the barley

into the cattle barn because
it's going in a day or two.

Yeah, that's why we were
putting it in that shed there.

That is fucking difficult
getting it in there.

I just turned in like this.

[Jeremy] I know, but look at the size
of your tractor. It's like an ant.

Yeah, I know. Well, you shouldn't
have bought a massive tractor.

You should have cleared away
the cattle crush this morning

in preparation if we're
gonna use that barn.

I'll go and unload.

He does not like being
told what to do, that boy.

Fucking millennials.

Did you hear the word
"sorry"? No, I didn't either.

He's a twat.

If anything else is in the
way, let me know, okay?

Oh, I better move
that fucking twig.

Just in case.

[upbeat folk music playing]

[Jeremy] The rest of the
afternoon was a continuing saga

of man and machine...

not in harmony.

-[banging]
-[Jeremy] Shit.

I've had it a day.

[Lisa] No, down one
foot. Oh. Yep. Ooh!

-[cracking]
-[Jeremy] Ooh! Fucking hell! No! Ah!

-[Lisa] Okay, okay.
-[Jeremy] Ah! My fucking leg!

-[Lisa] Bring it up.
-[Jeremy] Shit. Fucking thing.

-[Lisa] I don't think that works.
-It doesn't work. It's fucking useless.

[Jeremy] My favourite time of the
year was now very far from that.

[soft music playing]

I was feeling bad about
losing it with Kaleb,

about my cattle-crush tantrum,

and the fact that everything
I would normally find funny

was now just winding me up.

[soft music continues playing]

Basically, doing the harvest
and the pub at the same time

was proving to be a bit much.

[sighing softly]

I'm just tired out.

[softly] What is it?

[whispering] A
sandwich... for you.

Don't, don't, don't,
don't! No, I mean it.

[Jeremy] It's bloody
nearly taken my leg off.

Who made this? Lisa?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Mmm.

[Jeremy] When was the last
time you did a moisture-o-test?

This last load. 13.2. Dry.

-It's getting drier.
-Hmm.

[soft rock music]

[Jeremy] This meant we could keep
going well into the evening...

with the failing light ensuring

man and machine remained
well out of harmony.

Lisa came and kindly
gave me the ham sandwich.

Er... Whoa. Help.

Er, there was a...

Hang on, I have to go, there's a drone
that's just crashed into the combine.

[Simon over radio] A drone has
just crashed into the combine.

[Simon] Er...

Er...

[Jeremy chuckling] God...

[sighs]

Did I forget to salute
a magpie this morning?

[Jeremy] Predictably, it
rained again overnight,

which meant that in the morning
it was too wet to harvest.

["China Grove" by The
Doobie Brothers playing]

So, the pair of us went
back to help at the pub.

[music continues playing]

They're going in there.

[Jeremy] It was a
blur of busyness,

but we had ticked off one
of the most critical jobs.

If you connect it up to that
metal, we'll pick it up over here.

[beeping]

[Jeremy] Because we now
had a proper water supply.

Yeah, you got it! Wey-hey!

[Jeremy] Alan had made a deal
with a neighbouring farmer

to tap into his main supply.

If I carry on in the corner, I'll have a
look with you in a minute to find that.

Yeah, to find that pipe.

[Jeremy] And then his
lads had connected that

via about a mile of
pipe, to the pub.

[Jeremy] This is the water tank.

We have water and the water looks
pretty clean and nice to me.

Brilliant.

[Jeremy] All of this meant
that Alan's men were busy.

Get that cleaned
up then, Darryl.

So what I'm thinking, K...

[Jeremy] So Kaleb and
I decided to get on

with some smaller inside jobs.

I think it needs to be quite
close to the wall, like that.

-[Jeremy] Am I right?
-[Kaleb] Yeah.

[Kaleb] Where's
the chain, though?

We're gonna put
it in the middle.

-[electric drill whirring]
-[Kaleb] Whoa.

[Kaleb groaning] Make a mark.

[Kaleb] Yeah, but the chain,
look. Look, the chain's not...

-Yeah, it's gonna be in the middle.
-[cracking]

-[Jeremy] You've broken it.
-Yeah.

[Kaleb laughing]

It's broke.

I know it's broke.
I just heard it.

-[Jeremy] Right, fire it up.
-[Kaleb] Ready? On.

[Jeremy sighing]

[Kaleb] The good thing
is it's only the arrow.

[Jeremy] There's no good thing.

[soft rock music playing]

[Jeremy] On balance, it
was probably for the best

that neither of us had been asked to help
build the enormous Grand Tour tent...

Which, thanks to the sterling
work of the professionals,

was now erect and ready
to be filled with things.

[Jeremy] This has been to the
Arctic Circle, Californian desert,

Johannesburg, Rotterdam.

It's been all over the world,
this tent. And now it's here.

[Annie] Hello.

[Jeremy] It's big, isn't it?
It's bigger than I remember it.

It's huge.

-[Annie] There's just not much in it yet.
-[Jeremy] No.

-[music resumes playing]
-[worker] Easy!

[Jeremy] Work could
now begin, though,

on the installation of my off
licence and butcher's shop,

which would be called
"Hops & Chops".

And with that going in,
it was time to meet David.

-My personal favourite.
-And how long...

[Jeremy] Who'd be supplying
meat for the pub as well.

[David] I'm thinking
counter in the middle,

so like a whole sirloin
or a whole fillet

that can then be
portioned and steaked,

with a bit of theatre as
well. Customers love that.

[Jeremy] Okay, erm,
product tray displays.

Is it like... Is it AstroTurf
they put in a butcher's counter?

Yeah, you could put AstroTurf
in. I probably wouldn't.

I'm thinking something
like fresh kale.

Fresh kale every day.

You put it in between the meat,
and it makes the meat pop.

-It brings the meat out.
-Yeah, that's a...

A use for kale at last.

[Jeremy] We then moved
on to an important topic

that was becoming
increasingly vexing.

-Now, British produce.
-Yeah.

When I got the "British" memo
come through, that was...

So I had this rule,

which I said we're only going
to sell stuff that was grown

-or reared, no Coca Cola, no coffee.
-Okay.

[Jeremy] I've started to
understand, as time has gone on,

just how bloody
difficult that is.

-Yeah, okay.
-[Jeremy] You can't have gin and tonic,

'cause tonic: quinine.

You can't have gin and bitter
lemon, because of the lemon.

No gin and orange.

The only thing you can
have is gin and water.

And apparently, that's
not a popular drink.

-Okay, so thinking meat related.
-[Jeremy] Yes, quite.

-Pepper.
-[Jeremy] Black pepper.

That goes in a lot of
meat-related products.

[Jeremy] Black pepper, I
appreciate, is a serious issue.

If someone was growing black
pepper in this country,

we will buy your black pepper,

not imported black pepper.

But at the moment
no one is, so...

-And preservatives.
-[Jeremy] Yeah, that's...

Preservatives. That's gonna be
one. That's gonna be a hard one.

Meat looks rank if you
don't use it. Is that right?

It... As meat gets
processed, it gets oxidised.

As soon as it gets oxidised, then
you've got three-day shelf life.

Which is fine for the burger van

because you're turning
it over so quickly.

But from a shop point of view,

that pack of burgers
are gonna sit...

So if you don't use preservatives,
it starts to look...

-[David] It does.
-Brown.

It could get back to a customer's
fridge, two days later,

someone opens their
fridge door and...

think, "Christ.

-Can't eat that."
-"I bought a corpse."

[David] Yeah.

And the preservatives
are not made in the UK.

[David sighs]

[David] I think that is
gonna be a real hard one.

I mean, everybody wants to
be an Instagram influencer.

Nobody wants to invent...

Stuff that we need.

[Jeremy] Preservatives for meat.

-Probably not high on their...
-[Jeremy] I think

there's enough Instagram
influencers now.

-Need more meat people.
-[Jeremy] We do.

[epic music playing]

[Jeremy] The conversation
with David had been a worry,

and there was no time
to think of a solution

because with the clock ticking, I
was being bombarded with questions

from everyone.

I need to speak
to you and Charlie

about how food supply
is actually gonna work.

Because it's not
just pigs, cows.

It's flour, it's sugar,
it's potatoes, it's veg.

And are you happy with the chairs?
Not these wooden hard ones.

-We're liking the ropey ones.
-[Jeremy] Erm...

We gotta plant this
hedge round here or not?

-[Jeremy] Yeah.
-What, do you want it dug in properly?

You need a shipping
container? Why...

-[Jeremy] Honestly?
-[Mark] We need a place to put our stock.

But it's gonna look like Felixstowe
docks if we have another one, honestly.

How do you feel
about defibrillators?

-Erm, there's a question about power.
-What?

[Annie] I need to talk
to you about gin as well.

-[Jeremy] Gin?
-Yeah.

How do you feel about an antler
chandelier in the carvery room?

Who am I dealing with to make the
interior of this kitchen food-safe?

[Jeremy] What?

Shall we just get two sizes
of picnic benches then?

-I'm not even sure two sizes now.
-More like a garden vibe on the grass.

[Sue] The only thing is,
the circular are 540.

Oh, and the good thing about
that garden furniture is it is...

When you've got
so many questions,

it's hard to focus
on anything properly.

'Cause I'll just get a question:
"What shall I do about the floor?"

I'm halfway through the floor, Mark says,
"I need another shipping container."

[Jeremy] To try and drown out
the relentless questioning,

I decided to get involved
with the loudest job going.

[electric saw whirring]

[Jeremy] Removing the
dangerous and wonky trees

from the old dogging site.

Once the trees were down, I
moved in with the Robo mulcher.

[Jeremy] Here we go.

Good!

[Jeremy] My second-favourite
machine in the world.

And yes, you heard that right,

because I now had a new
favourite machine in the world.

[epic music playing]

-[Jeremy] Right, are you ready, Kaleb?
-[Kaleb] Yeah.

[Jeremy] Welcome, everyone,
to the Tree Stumpinator.

[epic music continues playing]

[Jeremy laughing]

Check it out!

[Jeremy] You're gonna
have to get one!

[Kaleb] The sound of it!

[crushing]

[Jeremy] Where's the next one?

[Kaleb] There's one here.

[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
Two kittens, he said...

This is the most satisfying
thing I've ever done.

[Jeremy laughing]

It won't actually pull
it round then, Kaleb,

when it's right down
in a foot deep, hey?

[Jeremy] Once I'd
minced all the stumps,

I moved on to another
wood-based job,

only this one was
much more delicate.

-[soft music playing]
-[electric drill whirring]

What's your idea for this?

The whole roof is this.

[Lisa] And then you're gonna
put fairy lights around it?

Yeah, and then you run
fairy lights through it.

-[Lisa] The lights aren't...
-[Jeremy] Shit.

You've moved.

[Lisa] Were any women involved
in doing this practically?

[electric drill whirring]

[Jeremy] What the fuck?

-So now...
-[Jeremy choking]

[Lisa] Is that sawdust?

[Jeremy] I've got so
much sawdust in my eyes.

What size clip would you like?

-[Jeremy] Right, here we go.
-[Alan] Keep it straight.

[Jeremy] I feel
like Michelangelo.

[Gerald] That'll
do, Jeremy, I think.

-[Gerald] Oh shit.
-[Jeremy] Oh, you wanker.

[laughing]

[soft music playing]

[Jeremy] With opening
day fast approaching,

the sand was now falling
through the hourglass

at an alarming rate.

But given the stop-start
nature of the weather,

Kaleb and I had to take our
harvesting opportunities

whenever they came along.

-[Jeremy] Have you got all the kit?
-[Kaleb] Yeah.

[Jeremy] And today
was looking hopeful.

Let's have a listen.

-[machine grinding]
-Go on then. Do your guess.

[machine grinding]

-15.4.
-Okay.

I'm gonna do it listening, okay?

[grinding]

I'm gonna say 15.7.

[beeping]

Ooh. Fucking hell. Let's go!

Let's not show the ladies
and gentlemen that.

No. What did you reckon? 14?

Yeah, I said 14.1.

-Yeah, I said 14, so.
-Yeah, we're both...

-Basically. 14.1.
-[Kaleb] We're basically...

[Kaleb] Nailed it.

I don't know why we even
bother coming out testing it.

Exactly, we just... This morning,
I thought, "There is no dew."

[Jeremy] Right, tractors then.

[Jeremy] Back at the yard, I climbed once
more into the rural "Millennium Falcon".

Air con back on.

It's so quiet and subtle,
you'd barely know.

[air blowing]

Yeah.

[beeping]

[Jeremy] Now I've got a Service
Alarm, a red Service Alarm,

to go with the
yellow Armrest Alarm.

And this funny blue thing, which
looks like it might be AdBlue

or air conditioning,
I don't know.

-Armrest Alarm.
-[beeping]

Fucking hell.

[beeping]

Stop beeping!

[beeping continues]

This was a catastrophically
bad buy, this tractor.

I am going to get my silver
tractor out of retirement

because it's better
than this one.

[Jeremy] The plan was to
mop up the remaining barley.

But our hopes for a
good yield were not high

because in this field,
the weeds had run amok.

[Jeremy] Look at it.

I mean, that...

That's supposed
to all be barley.

Look at the green
weeds everywhere.

That's bloody awful.

[soft music playing]

[Jeremy] Charlie had already said that
because of this year's terrible weather,

we should be happy if we
got five tons per hectare.

But as the afternoon wore on,

it was clear we
wouldn't even get that.

K, do you want me to tell
you the yield or not?

Not really, no.

0.9 of a ton.

1.9 a ton a hectare?

[Simon over radio]
No, not 1.9, 0.9.

Jesus Christ.

-That is...
-[beeping]

That's why my tractor's
beeping at me all the time.

It says, "You are wasting
your time doing this.

You haven't grown anything."

[soft music playing]

[Jeremy] With the
weather holding,

we kept on harvesting
through the next day

and into the evening.

But the effort of juggling
the pub and the harvest

was now wiping me out.

I've had about no more than
four or five hours of sleep

for the last ten days.

I'm knackered.

Two days of harvesting.

And then back to the pub.

Close that.

Phone on silent.

[sighing] Nobody can get at me.

[soft music playing]

[Jeremy] However, this
was a brief respite.

Because the following morning,
the first phone call of the day

put me straight back on the
conveyor belt of stress.

-[dial tone]
-[chiming]

Hi, Annie?

[Annie] I'm just
leaving the pub.

-Hello.
-How's it going?

Er, it's a bit stressful.
We are to the wire now.

The toilets aren't gonna
make it here in time.

Erm, and when they do get here,
they're gonna be on a crane.

Erm, and we won't get them in
if the place is full of cars.

And then there's a day's worth
of plumbing needed to fit them.

We've got no toilets for everyone.
There's only the two in the pub for...

There's only the two in the pub
and we've got nothing for the tent.

And we've got nothing for,
you know, anyone else.

Okay, no, no, well, okay,
look... I'll get on that. Yeah.

-[stutters] What are the other problems?
-[Annie] And then,

we've had no electricians.

There were power surges going
on in the tent yesterday.

They're still stuck
over in the pub.

[tense music playing]

[banging]

The problem is the trades
just haven't finished.

They're nowhere near finished.

The wiring. The sound
system. The electrics.

We haven't hung a
picture. We haven't...

Carpentry, joinery.
Everything isn't finished.

We haven't cleaned the carpet.

I mean, we're just miles away.

[tense music continues playing]

[Jeremy] The
priorities were clear.

One, get the new bar built.

Two, get the electricians and
fitters out of the kitchen

so Nick could start
prepping food.

And three, get the joiners and
decorators out of everywhere

so Sue and Rachel could turn
this building site into a pub.

If you have all laid-up,
low-level tables,

it looks like just walking
into a dining room.

So we are having that here.

The twinkly light off the glasses,
looks great, looks nice and organised,

and this is where you'd come with
your mum for lunch or whatever.

If you walked into that bar, you want
to see it all buzzing, don't you?

-Yeah.
-You've got people standing at the bar.

The dog.

You've got people standing in
the central, a dog on the floor.

And then you've got high and
low seating in that room.

-[tense music playing]
-[banging and whirring]

[Jeremy] Over the next 24 hours,
work went on at a furious pace.

[Alan] Come forward a bit. Whoa.

Then we need to come round square, so
when the tractor's up it's dead square.

Well, we're cooking on.

[whirring]

[Jeremy] The electricians,
however, were seriously struggling

to get the kitchen operational.

Have you any idea when you're
gonna be finished in the kitchen?

-Today.
-[electrician] Today.

-100%?
-Yes.

You really, really, really,
really... I'm doing it, Nick,

I'm doing it.

[Jeremy] Come the end of
another knackering day,

I was secretly praying

that it'd be too wet to
do an evening harvest.

But it wasn't.

So I had to go to the yard

and fire up the Lambo.

-[yawning]
-I am tired.

[yawning] Excuse me.

Opening a pub

and doing a harvest
simultaneously...

Yeah.

[Jeremy over radio] How
are we looking, Simon?

Er, it's about
80% full, I think.

Now then, a nighttime load.

[beeping]

Right.

This could be an all-nighter.

[Jeremy] And it was.

[soft music playing]

Which meant that in the morning,

I was beyond frazzled.

I need you out of
this kitchen now.

-Okay.
-[Jeremy] Now.

[Jeremy] How long do you need? I was
told you'd be finished last night.

[electrician] Er,
another hour or two.

No. I was promised you'd
be finished last night.

-We can't get the kitchen open...
-[electrician] Right.

[Jeremy] Until you
get this finished.

I mean, look at
the fucking wiring.

-[Jeremy] Sorry about this.
-We did agree yesterday that...

I was told, 100%, they would
be finished last night.

He said, "We will be
finished", last night.

I've just been told
it's an hour or two.

[tradesman] Who told you that?

Can we verify that "finished" for us to
cook in this kitchen is no ceiling tile?

Like the doors back on that.

-[Jeremy] Yeah.
-Like food-safe finished.

-We need to prepare food in here.
-Yeah, not like that.

-This isn't just like, "Yeah, okay."
-[tradesman] That's the electricians.

No, it's fine. From our end, we
don't give a fuck whose it is, so.

[Jeremy] Alan?

[Nick] We've already
lost one day of prep.

We've gotta be finished and out of
here by 10 o'clock this morning.

[Jeremy] Rachel and Sue were
in the same boat as Nick.

If we had the luxury of time we would
do a deep clean, unpack the furniture,

put it in place. We're
up against it, aren't we?

So we're gonna get the furniture
out to label up the table numbers

in order to programme the tills
so people can take an order.

-[Jeremy] Even though the floor's a mess?
-[Sue] Yeah.

Power, why have we
got power surges?

In the tent, apparently,
there's power surges.

It will be at the moment 'cause
we're still finishing all the faults.

-[Alan] We've got 200 amps to share.
-[Jeremy] We've got 50 going down there.

[Alan] Yeah, that's
it, we've got...

And I don't know what
a power surge is,

but it sounds like they've got
50 and then 10 and then 100.

That's 'cause it's faulty up this end
and we're just trying to suss that now.

[soft music playing]

[electrician] Can you press it?

[electric drill whirring]

[Jeremy] The electricians were
true to their word this time,

and by mid-morning had
vacated the kitchen

so it could be filled
with cooking people.

Nick? 11 o'clock.

Yeah, fantastic.

[tradesman] It's
been a long time.

"She's breathing,
captain. She's breathing."

[Nick] I've got the
onions. Let's go.

[Jeremy] And not before
time, because soon,

members of the farming cooperative
started to arrive with supplies.

-[Jeremy] Eggs?
-For you.

-[Jeremy] There was Mr Cacklebean.
-[farmer] Where would you like 'em, sir?

[Jeremy] In the kitchen.

-Hey, Emma. How are you?
-Morning.

[Jeremy] Emma from the dairy.

-So this is milk?
-So this is your milk, yeah.

[Emma] Better get
it in the fridge.

[Jeremy] And Imogen
from the vegetable farm.

-Ta-da!
-I brought you some potatoes.

[Jeremy] Good news.

Ahem. I bring you potatoes.

[Nick] Wonderful.
Well done, mate.

Nick? How often will we need
deliveries of this size?

[Nick] I think when this is rolling
along properly we'll get through

more than half a ton a week.

I think we're probably looking
at about seven fifty kilo a week.

This makes me so happy though,

to actually, after two years,

when I first spoke to Imogen about
can we get a cooperative going,

to actually have you delivering
potatoes to our restaurant.

-[Imogen] Yeah.
-Is...

It just makes my heart sing.

But we're here to
back British farming.

We're having to use
British black pepper.

[Imogen] British black pepper?

That's... How much is it? £100?

-£100 a kilo.
-As opposed to ten.

There'll be no black pepper
in the mashed potato then?

-Oh no, there will.
-Probably a bit.

-There'll be Cornish-grown, like...
-Dink!

Dink!

[Nick] Here we go.

Wakey wakey.

[upbeat music playing]

[Jeremy] At lunchtime, the newly
recruited staff started to arrive.

Hi!

[Jeremy] And in order
to get them settled,

Sue and Rachel gave them a
Gen Z-focused HR pep talk.

The main thing I'm after is a massive
smile, a positive mental attitude,

a can-do attitude,
and camaraderie.

We're all in it together and we're all
trying to make it successful, aren't we?

And we do want you to feel really secure
and able to do your jobs really well.

[Jeremy] I then decided to add a
few motivational words of my own.

One thing I cannot
stand is gormlessness.

And I don't want slovenly
oiks leaning on things.

Erm, this is designed
to back British farming.

If anybody wants a Coca
Cola, they can fuck off.

Okay? It's all good,
locally grown food.

I'm afraid that
costs a bit more.

You're gonna get people
going "'Ow much?"

[Jeremy] If you could just say,

"Listen, fuckwit, if you wanna go
and eat shit grown in Indonesia

full of sawdust,

plenty of other pubs around the place
that can help you out with that."

Erm...

Good, good. Well,
listen, have fun.

["Alright" by Electric
Light Orchestra playing]

[Jeremy] With the extra hands on
board, we all got back to work.

Over there.

♪ The gold veranda in
the dark has gone... ♪

[Jeremy] And soon, the canopy
people arrived to remove my folly.

[Jeremy] Yeah, sorry about this.

♪ No better time to
leave the ground ♪

♪ And maybe try
to understand... ♪

[Alan] Let me see
to this. Go steady.

Just check that end's
in the right place.

-[man] All right? All right?
-[boy] Yeah.

[Alan] All right, boys,
that's it, that's it.

-[Rachel] Amazing.
-[Alan] Oh yeah.

[Jeremy] By late afternoon,

with the new budget umbrellas

making the decking look
like a proper terrace...

[Jeremy] That's so much better.

[Jeremy] I suddenly realised that
the pub's signature showpiece

was nowhere to be seen.

[dial tone]

-[Richard over the phone] Hello.
-Hammond.

-[Richard] How are you?
-It's me. All right. How are you?

[Richard] Er, very well,
thank you. Very well indeed.

Er, it's amazing
I've got a signal.

I'm in the Himalayas. So, erm...

I'm sorry, you're where?

[Richard] Yes, I'm
riding motorbikes.

So how... No, I'm not
interested in your holiday.

-What about my tractor...
-I'm also 11,000 feet.

-I don't...
-Remember when you ate Viagra?

-[Richard speaking indistinctly]
-Where is my tractor?

Are we gonna get
the tractor today?

[Jeremy] Luckily, Buttons' men
were not work-shy motorbicyclists.

And an hour later, they arrived.

[soft music playing]

[Jeremy] Look at that.

[Kaleb] Holy moly!

-Is it chromed?
-Yeah.

-[Kaleb laughing]
-It's chrome paint.

Wow!

I've never seen Richard
Hammond do a good job.

And I suspect he hasn't
'cause he's in Nepal.

So his guys have done it.

-But isn't that a fucking roof feature?
-It looks amazing.

It seems such a waste
to put it in the pub.

-But hanging from the ceiling?
-I know but...

Looks awesome!

I mean, very few
pubs have these.

-Well, from a ceiling.
-Look, he's even got his advert on it.

-Look at that.
-He is a tragic little man, isn't he?

[soft music playing]

-[Jeremy] Oh, look at it.
-Oh, there's loads of room, isn't it?

[Jeremy] Yeah.

[Jeremy] But there was
still plenty of work to do.

And we'd be going
well into the night.

But over the last 48 hours,

this incredible team of people
had pulled off a miracle.

-[Jeremy sniffing] Mmm!
-Masher.

-[Jeremy] That's for the crumble?
-Yes.

[Jeremy] Apple crumble.

[Jeremy] Oh, look!

Wow!

[Lisa] Aw! Arya and Sans!

[Jeremy] Richard Ham!

[Lisa] Richard Ham! With
his little black eye!

[soft music continues playing]

-[Jeremy] Oh, wow.
-Look. Look.

[Jeremy] We've got an
actual butcher's shop.

-But check out this meat.
-Holy Mother of God.

[Lisa] Isn't that beautiful?

[Jeremy] We then went to
look at Lisa's new farm shop.

-[Jeremy] Ta-da!
-[Lisa] Rather nice, right?

-Candles.
-[Lisa] So in the morning,

this will all be
bread and pastries.

And you can actually
sell your scents,

without having West Oxfordshire District
Council shouting at you, and T-shirts.

-Is anyone upstairs?
-[Rachel shouting] Yeah!

Can you just turn
my tree lights on?

That's got...

And God said, "Let
there be light,"

and there was light,
and it is beautiful.

Tractor's up. Bar's...

Optics are up! That's brilliant.

I mean, this is... We're gonna have
this ready by tomorrow lunchtime?

-Oh, yeah.
-[Jeremy] Yeah, it's definite?

[Jeremy] I mean, okay,
the carpet's filthy,

that's a mess,

but it's looking
like a pub in here

and it's looking like
a restaurant in there.

So I know this is... I'm
probably tempting fate here,

but I am cautiously optimistic

that this will be ready

by midday tomorrow.

[banging]

[Jeremy shouting] Music off!

[groaning]

-[chatter]
-[Jeremy] Oh, my giddy aunt.

[chef] Oh, fucking heck, no.

Power cut. Fans
are dead. No gas.

[Jeremy] Jesus.

[dramatic banging]

[soft music playing]