All language subtitles for 2011 - Bad Actress

To say, no one's ever given me a washer
-dryer before.

Trevor, you're not just an agent.

You're my friend.

Listen, I got another call from the
reality show.

Rehab with the stars.

I don't do drugs.

It's called acting.

So what, I should start smoking crack?

Trevor, reality is for losers.

Losers who work. Think it over.

And if you need it, I know an excellent
dealer.

So what about the TV movie?

Great, then it shouldn't be a problem.

I know it's just a couple of scenes, but
what the hell?

Tell them that I'll audition.

I did.

Sweetheart, they're not interested.

Look, I'm sorry.

I see.

Honey, you're America's HMO nurse.

No one's gonna buy you as a cold
-blooded killer.

Trevor, you have no idea what I'm
capable of.

Hi, this is Bernie, the cool king of air
conditioning, celebrating 30 big years

of making Southern California cool.

And I'm Melissa, the cool queen of air
conditioning.

So excited to tell you about the grand
opening of our fourth big store.

In Tarzan, we've got Amana, Frigidaire,
Gafford & Sattler, Kitsune, Speed Queen,

and we are still the Southland's
exclusive retailer of top -rated

Industries.

So come in this weekend or for the next
30 days and take advantage of a cool 0 %

financing.

0 % financing?

Are we out of our royal mind?

Thank you.

To the Bernie's Air Conditioning family
for helping to make my husband the

valley's big man in appliances for 30
glorious years.

Cheers.

Dad, I want to talk to you about
Northridge.

What's on your mind?

I know that you want me to one day take
over the business.

Now they're opening Tarzana.

Well, I think that... Son, everything
that I know, it's worth knowing.

I learned on a sales floor.

There's no shame in it.

As far as you running the business,
well, I can tell you, I'm not going

for a long, long time.

But, Dad, I think that I have enough
talk, okay?

Let's have a party.

Let's see some party.

Okay. A few years ago, on HMO Nerds, we
got a script that was god -awful.

My co -star, Corbin Bernson, was beside
himself.

So finally I said to him, honey, you've
got to make the show good in the parts

between the dialogue.

Well, of course, he had no idea what I
was talking about.

When you know it, that is the year I
received my first nomination.

Okay.

This card, the twins.

That's you two.

Now cut the deck.

Oh, uh, let's pick another one. You
chose that one.

What's it mean?

Nothing. Pick another.

Answer the question.

That's the tower.

It foretells death and destruction.

What is it?

Are you all right? You look like you're
about to throw up. Ever since that night

that we shared that foot massage at the
company retreat in Combo, I've been

thinking about you, about us.

Morris, that was years ago. I want you
to live.

There, I said it.

I put it on out there.

I need you. Morris, that is so sweet.
And you certainly know your way around a

woman's feet.

But I'm in love with Bernie, your cousin
and boss.

Could I leave to give you one more foot
rub?

Well, we're only human, so we probably
shouldn't.

And now we go to breaking news out of
Tarzana, where a protest is underway at

the grand opening of a Bernie's air
conditioning.

The demonstration conducted by the
force... Yippee -yopi

-yay! Russell!

You guys are not going to believe this.

Dude, come on, George.

This so -called eco -terrorist is being
led by Topanga Pillage, the daughter of

Bernard Pillage, the owner of this very
same Bernie's Air Conditioning. Bernie's

Air Conditioning sells Vandenhofer
Industries, a company that's seriously

out the rainforest.

And that's not cool.

70 % of plants used in treating cancer
are found in the rainforest.

And we're losing them with every
refrigerator sold.

Join us.

Boycott Bernie's air conditioning.

No, no, no.

This demonstration has now taken a
dangerous turn.

No, no, no.

The demonstrators are now throwing a
Molotov cocktail.

It's our fourth date.

We met in program.

He's bulimic?

No, he's a writer.

He's doing research for a story on
eating disorders.

You sure that's what he's researching?

I like him.

He thinks my being in recovery makes me
exotic.

It does.

Now you listen to me.

We sent you to UC Santa Barbara for a
reason.

It's a party school.

We were hoping you'd take the hint.

We want you to be political.

We sent you to Berkeley.

I'm sorry.

I am. I don't know what to do.

Do the only thing you can do.

Go to him and beg for forgiveness.

What are you?

Will you ever forgive me?

I'm very bad at your father.

Daddy?

You don't want to talk to me.

I'm so, so sorry.

We went to Yosemite when I was ten.

You gave me this.

This eagle.

But now, I don't deserve it anymore.

You know something, Topanga?

You're right.

You don't deserve this.

You made a mockery of the company.

You made a mockery of me.

Daddy, please.

Vandenhofer Industries is not just a
supplier. It is the lifeblood of this

family. And they deserve, no, they
demand our respect.

Bernie, leave her alone. That's enough.
Not now, Alyssa. This is between me and

our daughter.

Alyssa, I just... I want to say... Don't
even speak to me.

It's an autograph!

Alyssa, who are you wearing?

I fear that there will.

One day be children asking, what is a
tree?

So big, so strong, so filled with sap.

A lumberjack deserves a slap.

He chops, he chips, he'll beat, he'll
grind.

Why are people so unkind?

For the long, hard trunk, so firm, so
fine, t 'was cut down.

By a dollar sign.

The poetry of Topeka Pillage.

Afterwards, we all went over to TGI
Fridays for cocktails and baby back

Considering it was the worst day of my
life, it was a very pleasant affair.

Sure, I'm upset.

Fucking beside myself.

Excuse my daughter for Christ's sake.

And Tarzana was our new flagship.

It was going to boost our numbers for
the entire year.

Now what have I got?

No Topanga, no Tarthana.

Shit. Not gonna sit here and tell you
she was perfect.

Happened to know she didn't die a
virgin.

She had a boyfriend and they, well, you
know, they fucked.

You should have seen my mother at the
funeral.

Up there milking the spotlight.

You'd think she was on the goddamn
Tonight Show.

Alyssa's eulogy was like watching one of
her old disease of the week TV movies.

Except those only lasted two hours.

When my father, the cheap bastard,
bought her coffin at Costco, he also had

nerve to buy more golf balls.

Burning his little ball.

Don't get me started. Delaney, it was
never level. That's why I'm suing the

contractor.

He's even trying to cash in on her debt.

So fucking typical.

A lawsuit would discourage shoddy
workmanship.

Everyone, especially Topanga, knew it
was never level.

Yeah, I know. It was an accident.

And yet... It was an act of parental
terror.

Bernie practically threw her down the
stairs. And I am sure, over time, her

sacrifice will only bring our family
together.

If I did that,

I accidentally hurt or even harmed my
own child, well,

I couldn't go on living.

Bernie, hey!

I just wanted to talk to you about the
lotus.

Did you know it will grow even if
planted in mud?

No shit.

And the muddier the mud, the more
beautiful the flower?

And I, well... Here.

It's from my church.

The One Thought Movement.

My daughter died.

I have a business to run.

And you are talking to me about muddy
fucking lotuses?

No, I...

I'm talking to you about... Sorry.

Dave?

Is that you?

Hello, Daddy.

Oh, dear Jesus.

Hope everything that's happened hasn't
been too bad for business.

No.

Surprisingly, business is up.

I think it was the publicity.

So my death was a commercial?

Oh, God, no, Topanga. I tried to hang
on, baby.

The necklace snapped and you, well...
You know what happened.

I know.

But I'm not here to talk about old
times, Daddy.

I'm here for your redemption.

My what?

I came back to tell you.

There's no earned income tax credits in
heaven.

Are you saying there are taxes there?

Are you totally listening to me, Daddy?

I am listening. You are going to face
strong opposition to this.

But you must be super steadfast in your
resolve.

Your mother. You're talking about your
mother.

I'm talking about charity and sacrifice.

It's your only path to salvation.

Salvation?

A minute ago it was redemption.

Topanga.

Am I going to hell?

You can only say that.

Give from your heart.

It's awesome.

It's no accident that you're holding
this book in your hand.

Pan -experimentalism is your ticket to
enlightenment.

Sometimes they change like guys.

Tragedy plus charity. You are one with
destiny.

Be the lotus.

Be the lotus?

I am the lotus.

Mom has been so awful. I keep finding
myself getting madder and madder. How

life be so random, so unfair?

Honey, this isn't the first time your
father's canceled your credit card. But

happened at Kitson in front of everyone.

I hate him. He's rude.

I know.

But when you don't show up for your
shift at the store... I am trying to

on my recovery, okay?

And to be perfectly honest, I can't even
look at him.

All right.

I'll talk to him.

I love you. I love you too, sweetheart.

We need to talk.

Are we talking?

If this is about Rebecca, it is time she
learned the value of a dollar. After

what you put her through, she could use
a little retail therapy.

That is exactly what is wrong with this
family.

Shopping? Think that's what the problem
is?

Topanga's death was a wake -up call.

We are not rebuilding Tarzana.

Is that some sort of a joke?

No, but I've got one for you. Our
lifestyle. It's a dirty joke. It's an

obscenity. Fern, we have worked hard.

I have sacrificed both personally and
professionally, and I will not have you

call our life obscene.

What's all this?

Topanga's right.

Vandenhofer Industries is negative
energy.

It's destroying our planet. We don't
need them.

Honey, please, let's talk this over.

We'll work it out.

Do you have any idea how long it takes
for one acre of rainforest to naturally

occur? Let me tell you what naturally
occurs to me.

You don't suddenly stop selling the only
$9 ,000 refrigerator we carry.

Well, no one was asking you.

Bernie!

I, Topanga Sue Pillage, being of sound
mind and body, hereby direct that upon

death, the assets of the Topanga Sue
Pillage Living Trust shall be

and the proceeds split between
Greenpeace, Amnesty International, and

Oh, dear God.

That's it.

Except, of course, for her manifesto on
saving Mother Earth.

Thank you.

Here are the revisions on those
documents you asked me to do.

Good work.

Arbiter Pillage, hereby liquidate the
Russell Ryan Pillage and Rebecca Zoe

Pillage Trust.

Proceeds to be donated to the One
Thought Church of Glendale.

A bequest in the amount of 12 .5
million.

Jesus, herald Christ.

Mark Pillage, where are you?

Sorry. Shh, Alyssa.

Well, if it isn't little Buddha.

All right.

What's the goddamn emergency?

This is not fucking acceptable.

You went through our personal papers.

This is, well, even for you.

No? Lo is spending a work day off in the
woods with a bunch of spiritual jack

-offs. Lo is joining a cult because your
own family won't even speak to you. And

Lo is sacrificing our kids' future just
to relieve your own guilt. I am one with

my karma.

I am one with my destiny.

I am your destiny.

Before you met me, you were nothing.

Small storefront on Van Nuys Boulevard.

I ran a respectable business. My money
financed every new store.

My stardom brought in the customers.
Stardom? I am not about to watch you

it all down the toilet.

In case you hadn't noticed, the company
is called Bernie's Air Conditioning.

Bernie's, not has -beens. So I guess you
don't have a thing in it, do you?

Of course I do.

I'm your partner.

Oh?

What makes you think that?

You think I enjoyed whoring myself with
your goddamn washing machines?

I'm an Emmy -nominated actress. I was
humiliated.

Well, I guess you should have thought of
that when you invested in my company,

huh? You will never get away with this.

You call yourself respectable?

You couldn't even open Tartana.

Because Topanga burned it down.

I know.

That's why you killed it.

For the last time, I did not kill our
daughter.

You listen to me, you little piece of
shit. Our family's priorities are

fucked up. It is my spiritual calling to
make things right. If I have to give

away every dollar we have.

But first, I'm going to meditate.

cleanse my soul.

Why don't you join us, Melissa?

I bet your soul is filthy.

We need to talk.

I don't know who he is anymore.

Giving money away.

Meditating. Practically a Buddhist.

Well, I'm really sorry about that,
Alyssa.

And now he's cutting us out of the
world.

Giving everything to some whack job
church in Glendale. Wait a minute.

He's cutting us out of the will?

You didn't know?

You're getting half the business.

Oh.

Oh. Oh, that. Yeah, of course. Well,
Bernie and I were, you know, very close.

But after he signs this paper.

I know.

Why, I don't know. I mean, what you're
suggesting is very serious. I mean,

Bernie is my boss and cousin.

When I had my pig valve put in two years
ago, he was there for me. He gave you

two months off with pay, so what does
that make him, Tom Hanks?

It's the only way.

If we don't act, and act now, everything
you, me, and the kids have, we're going

to end up in some cult leader's quarrel
one day.

Jesus. Morris?

Oh, God.

Boy, I'm sorry about that. Look, there's
something I got to tell you.

Something big.

You?

Okay.

Then you can tell me why Van Nuys has
such lousy karma.

What? Van Nuys sales have been down
every month for the last year.

Why?

The economy? Wrong.

Sales have been down because of you.

Before you can have positive energy, you
need to have some energy to begin with.

And you've never done a single thing to
show me that you've got the drive to

accomplish anything except getting laid
and picking up a paycheck.

That's why Ben Eyes has bad karma.

Now, what'd you have to tell me that was
so damn important?

Just that you're wrong about me, Bernie.

And one day soon, you're going to see
just how wrong you are.

Hey, it's me.

What's going?

Hello?

Is someone there?

Topanga? Honey, is that you?

Topanga?

You! Shut up.

Morris?

Alyssa? Jesus Christ, I can smell your
white diamonds from here.

For once in your life, would you shut
the fuck up?

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Sorry. You bitch, you broke my fucking
leg!

Listen, what the hell are you doing?

I was just trying to shut him up. I
didn't mean to break his leg. What are

waiting for? Call 911.

Look at the mess you made.

I said I was sorry. I am. Do it!

Do it now!

Sorry about this, cousin.

Shoot him. Have we shot him yet? No.

What did we do instead? We broke his
leg.

You don't have to be sarcastic. I said I
was sorry. That's it. That's it, all

right? It's over.

No, Morris, please.

I need the staff in today.

I do.

We do. He's got goddamn duct tape on his
leg. What burglar would do that?

All right, I'm calling an ambulance, and
then I'm going in there, and I'm

begging for forgiveness.

I suggest you do the same.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear.

I need this to happen today.

Now, they can either find one dead
appliance store manager in there, or

find two.

What's it going to be, Martin?

All right, all right, Alyssa. I mean,
just get this over with, okay?

Oh, God!

Still think we should beg for
forgiveness? No, no, I guess not.

Oh, Bernard.

What you did to Topanga was
unforgivable.

Now giving all of our money away?

That was plain stupid.

Don't worry.

Where you're headed, they're going to
need lots of air conditioning.

Did you not load this thing?

Darn it!

Think I left the bullets at home? Great.

Just great.

Now how are we supposed to do it?

Alyssa, what are you?

Alyssa, no.

Alyssa, no.

Alyssa, no.

God! Jesus, no!

Go on inside.

I'll go home and wait for the call.

How can you be like this?

I mean, so cold and cold. Oh, my God.

Have you killed people before?

Of course not.

What, do you think this is my idea of a
fun night out on the town?

No. Of course not. I just... I'm sorry.

I just... I wasn't expecting to be like
this. Oh, Morris.

It's okay.

Bernie's in a better place now.

His suffering has ended. Suffering? What
suffering?

Right, my suffering has ended.

But he was totally losing it. I mean,
you heard him.

He thought Topanga was in the store.

But did he deserve it?

I mean, to die.

What do I look like, a pope?

Call it karma, justice.

Whatever.

Tonight, things caught up with him.

When are things going to catch up with
us?

They're not.

We're the good guys, remember?

We didn't do this for us.

We did it for the kids.

And not Jerry, the kids. Mikey.

Your cousin.

You hold on to that, Morris.

That's what I'm going to do.

I'm Rebecca, and I'm bulimic.

Hi, Rebecca.

Ding dong.

Snowballs and Twinkies. Oh, my.

Right now, I've got bags of them out in
my car, and I was about to go on the I

hate my father diet.

In case you can't tell, I have issues.

He can keep the fucking credit cards.

The nerve.

First he kills my sister, then he wants
me to go to work for him.

I can't even stand to be in the same
room with him after what he did.

You shitting me?

Is everything okay?

Bullshit!

Bullshit! I mean, whoever did this is a
goddamn animal. A business lowlife scum

of an asshole who deserves to have their
chest cavity sliced open and their

insides ripped out. Children suffering
an agony never before experienced by a

human being.

This is really good, I see.

Mom?

Oh, baby.

Detectives Ray Stoker and Pam Rudin.

LAPD robbery homicide.

Is there somewhere we can talk?

Of course.

The last time I saw Bernie.

Sorry, I just still can't believe it.

It's all so unreal.

So unfair.

Need a moment? No.

I have to be strong.

It was yesterday when we... I'm sorry.

We made love.

We're going to need samples from you.

Fingerprints, hair, blood.

Blood? My goodness.

Standard procedure.

Of course.

And I want to cooperate in any way that
I can.

Was there anyone that had anything
against your husband? Did he owe anyone

money? My husband, Bernie, is... one.

Most incredible man I've ever met.

A woman like me doesn't leave primetime
for just anyone.

And now he's gone.

And I'm haunted by the words of Emily
Dickinson.

Death is all we know of heaven.

And all we need of hell.

They think it was gang -related.

Oh, damn!

Don't start buttering the corn just yet.
You've got trouble.

I lost an earring.

Oh, what the hell? Buy another one. Hey,
get two.

Mom?

What are you guys doing?

Were you kissing?

No, of course not.

We were just discussing the case.

The police.

There is a vicious killer out there.

And they had better find him before he
knocks over a bet by.

Or fries electronics.

Right. That would be terrible.

Honey, just give us a minute, okay?

Okay.

Now listen to me. I logged an earring
the other night at the store.

What?

Jesus Christ, what the hell are we going
to do?

Well, I can't do anything, but you can.

The Van Nuys manager visits the home
office all the time, right?

Except that it's a crime scene.

So, as soon as the police finish their
investigation, I'll mosey on over there

and give it a thorough once -over. But
in the meantime... Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck!

Alyssa, we are in deep shit.

Morris, relax.

It's the LAPD.

That's like being investigated by a
crossing guard.

Except at some point, they'll probably
try to sell us narcotics.

God, I hope so.

Because I could use some right now.

Who wants donuts?

Us Weekly. And you know her.

This has been. Alyssa Rampart Pillage is
a national treasure.

Like Mark Twain, Oprah.

So what's the story?

Husband of beloved TV star murdered at
his appliance store.

Okay. Give me 500 words.

We'll run it in the where are they now
page.

No!

To bring air conditioning to the people.

Not just hot people, but all people,
regardless of how hot they are.

And to treat the customer as friends.

To profit not only from their dollars
and interest and late payment fees,

but also from their friendship.

The mission statement of Bernie's Air
Conditioning.

Hey, Morris.

George.

What's up?

Just trying to get a look -see.

Oh. You know, for background.

Get a sense of place.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I sure hope they catch him.

Them? Or him.

Or her. Or, you know, them. The killers.
Or the killer.

Right.

I'll be right back.

Bernard Marion Pillage, being of sound
mind, do hereby declare this instrument

to be my last will and testament.

And the kids are all taken care of with
their trust funds.

And finally, my beloved Alyssa, upon my
death, in addition to our community,

property, and investment, the love of my
life shall receive 100 % ownership of

Bernie's Air Conditioning.

I'll be right back.

I'm so sorry.

You're sorry? Are you fucking kidding
me?

Lower your voice. I don't give a shit.

My own cousin, Melissa.

My own flesh and blood. I killed him.

And for what?

Guess what? That also...

Wipes out any motive I might have had. I
wonder what the police would think of

that.

I want to give you half.

Of everything.

The business.

The house.

My body and soul.

Well, you've already got my soul.

Throw in the body. No extra charge.

The truth is, Mark.

Your father's golf trophies.

Now that he's gone, I can't bear to look
at them.

How are you doing?

Great.

Well, you know, still mourning.

Listen, I don't know if Dad mentioned
it, but before he died, he and I talked

about me taking over Northridge.

Did you now?

Kind of.

So your father felt that you were
management material.

Well... No.

Russell, I'm glad you brought this up.

Really?

Of course, we'd have to let Randy go,
but who might have done the way of your

father's wishes?

Consider it done.

On the evening of the 7th, at about 2100
hours, your husband, Bernard Pillage,

was accosted by an unknown perpetrator,
or perpetrators.

He was tied up, tortured, burglarized,
and sadly, murdered.

You certainly are a lot more impressive
than those detectives on TV.

And they stole money.

Yes, ma 'am. It was money they were
after.

Your husband was a brave man to have
endured so much suffering.

How much would you say?

On a scale of one to ten.

Well, enough to get the safe combo out
of him.

So that's why they broke his leg.

Animals.

I know this isn't the best time.

But my niece wanted me to ask.

She's a really big fan.

My pleasure. Of course, of course.

There you go.

Beautiful photo.

Rebecca Russell.

Great news.

They've cracked the case.

It's about time. So who did it?

Well, that part they're still working
on.

The police are goddamn idiots.

Someone was murdered.

But they don't care as long as they get
their autographs and paychecks.

Rebecca.

What are you doing with my mom's
earring?

My mom stole it.

I'm sorry.

In fact, are you okay?

I mean, it doesn't necessarily mean... I
know exactly what it means, George.

George.

Well, maybe it's not your dad's blood.

It's his blood.

My mom killed him.

We need to call the police.

Rebecca.

Think about it.

If you call the police, you know what
they're going to do?

They're going to start investigating
you.

Why would they do that?

Simple. She's famous.

HMO nurse was canceled years ago.

There's no statute of limitations on
celebrity.

What should I do, turn the other cheek?

I'm not saying they shouldn't be told.

I just don't think you should be the one
to tell them.

You would do that for me?

What could I do without you?

No.

I'm not going to play anyone's wacky
neighbor.

Because I'm not fucking wacky.

Listen, can we talk later? I've got
someone here.

Okay.

So, George, right?

Alyssa Rampart -Pillard, you are the
most beautiful and talented woman in all

show business.

Well, I have heard that on occasion.

I don't know if you know this, but I
freelance for Us Weekly.

And I was thinking maybe you'd be
interested in... That is so sweet.

Charming. And I do like Us. It's clever.

But I'm afraid I'm accustomed to working
with, shall we say, more established

writers. Oh.

We celebrities are a stubborn bunch.

We like to do what we like to do, and we
only like to do it with people who've

done it before.

I see.

There's something else I can help you
with.

Well, I was wondering what you thought
about the... What exactly am

I looking at?

I found that earring out there in the
cleaning aisle.

Now, you can't really see it in the
photo, but that's blood right on the

of his little mouth.

Oh, my goodness.

Well, perhaps you should share this with
the police.

No.

That would only confuse them.

You're not a monster like everyone says
you are.

widowed wife and a grieving mother with
really, really bad luck.

But I do like your take.

I thought you might.

And if I grant you this interview, you
will give me the earring.

So what do you say?

I say I love working with you, Ryder.

It's been two whole days.

Just wondering, did you go to the
police?

Are they working on this?

Give me a call when you get a chance.

Or better yet, I'm going to come by.

Hey, hey, Rebecca.

Hey, all right, we've got in. Just right
now, what's up?

Did you go to the police?

Yeah. They, uh, they're working on it.
They seem really excited about the

evidence.

Well, why didn't you call?

Well, uh...

God, these cell phones are terrible.

Can you hear me? If you can hear me,
we'll talk later, okay? Bye.

Cell phone?

That was no cell phone.

Miss George Apodaca did come in here and
he gave us an earring.

We tested it twice.

No blood.

No blood?

How is that possible?

Let me ask you a question.

Where were you the night your father
died?

Oh, no.

I get it.

You're taking her side because she's
famous.

Didn't you say your father was, quote,
dead to you? What, are you following me?

I didn't kill my father. My mother did.

And if you guys weren't so goddamn
starstruck, you'd know that by now. Hey!

You watch your mouth, young lady. You'd
be surprised what could come out of this

mouth.

Look, the earring that George gave you,
did it have a happy face on it or a sad

face?

Rebecca?

That is a priceless collectible.

Put that plate down.

Sorry. Not where does it hurt.

I was nominated for that episode.

What is wrong with you?

What could possibly be wrong with me?

No, Rebecca, please.

That's mouth -to -mouth from season
three.

That was irreplaceable. You know what
was irreplaceable?

Daddy was irreplaceable.

Why are you saying that?

You know exactly why I'm saying that.

No. No, I don't.

Oh, really?

That was HMO for the holiday.

That was a two -parter. Now, you listen
to me, young lady.

You better think long and hard before
making any accusations.

I'm not scared of you, Mother.

Even if you did kill Daddy.

Maybe you should discuss this with
Scott.

I don't need to talk to my shrink
mother.

There's only one thing I need.

And do you know what that is?

Do you?

If it takes me the rest of my life, I am
going to make you pay for what you've

done.

Mom?

Rebecca, what the fuck?

Obviously. The past few months have
taken quite a toll on your sister.

Yes, is this Living in the Lights?

I'd like to make a reservation.

You're wrong.

She didn't do it.

She couldn't have.

Why else would she have put me in an
eating disorder clinic?

Um, you have an eating disorder.

She locked me in here to shut me up.

Listen, blaming Mom won't bring back
Topanga. And it won't bring back Dad

either. Okay.

The police ruled out Mom because their
best evidence was the happy face

Only they didn't get that earring.

George switched them and gave them the
sad face.

How did he get that?

I gave it to him.

I know. I am an idiot.

But listen, if Mom did this, she
couldn't have done it alone.

Why not?

Because we're talking about Mom.

When was the last time she did anything
without an audience?

Hello, everybody.

It's me, Alyssa Rampart Pillage, the
cool queen of air conditioning. And I'd

like you to meet my new husband, Morris.

The polar prince of air conditioning.

We're here today with Bernie's Air
Conditioning Elves to mark this historic

occasion. The groundbreaking of our
newest store.

In Tarzana.

We've got a man up for the day.

It isn't you.

It's my mother.

You kids have to believe me.

There was an official investigation by
the LAPD, and they found nothing.

Nothing.

Trust me.

After all, I am your mother.

I don't even know what we're doing here.
She was starving herself, but that

didn't seem to matter to you. What was I
supposed to do? Call 911 for takeout?

Is that a joke?

Actually, Russell, Mom is right.

She is?

She is our mother.

She's only saying she has our best
interests at heart, and she always has.

That's right, honey.

Mom, we love you.

And I love your kids.

I'll admit I've been a little moody
lately.

But it's Daddy.

Daddy is the one I'm really mad at.

Dad.

Think about it. First he cancels our
credit cards. Which I begged him not to

Then he refused to rebuild Tarzana.

He was out of control.

He was out of his mind.

Not to mention what he did to Topanga.

You kids don't know the half of it.

Your father got exactly what he
deserved.

What?

Not that anyone deserves that.

I can think of someone who does.

Okay, let's hold it right there.

We don't have to reinvent the wheel in
one session.

Good work, everyone.

Shit, you're right.

She not only killed him, she's proud of
it.

We can't trust the cops.

We have to make sure Justin... Served.
Claim an eye for an eye.

Mom's not going to like that.

She's got her eyes done.

The company Christmas party is tonight,
right?

Yeah. Well, we need to move fast. Give
me your cell phone.

Doctor's office.

Yes, this is Alyssa Rampart -Pillage.

I'm going to be sending my son, Russell,
for Rebecca.

That's right.

Well... It's always nice to talk to a
fan.

Now go to the front desk.

Tell them you're here to pick me up.

So where to? We need evidence.

And the best place to start?

The home of a certain reporter.

I said he was into her, but I didn't
know he was a freak.

Find that earring.

Face it, Russell, it's not here.

Fuck!

Time to move on to plan B.

You know, I don't know if I'm
comfortable with that.

I just got the Northridge store.

If we don't do something, they're going
to get away with it.

Is that what you want?

Of course not.

What? Then it's settled.

Years from now, we're going to remember
this night, and we're going to honor it

as the night justice was served.

First Christmas without Bernie.

I don't know about you, but I still feel
like shit about what we did. Oh,

Morris, give it a rest.

It's easy for you to say. We're not
married to you.

What's that supposed to mean? Well, I
just asked you how you treat your

husbands, and I want you to know I've
taken measures because if anything

to me, then you're going down.

Morris, nothing's going to happen to
you.

I love you.

Gonna be a wreck.

Oh, George.

Didn't know you were invited.

I wasn't.

Would you like to dance?

That depends.

Bring me anything.

How delightful.

So I gotta know.

Did you like the article?

Like it?

I practically fucked it.

Listen.

It's Morris as well on his way to
drinking himself into a coma.

Why don't you stop by the house later
for a nightclub?

Nightclub?

Sure, I could, uh... You know, I don't,
uh, really drink.

What?

You be careful tonight, sugar.

What is it?

Is that about Bernie?

No, this is about you.

Well, look who it is.

The horror correspondent.

Rebecca, hi.

Heard about your little vacation.

How old are you?

I died a month ago.

About Alyssa.

Here you go, Santa.

To all of you special people who make
Bernie's Air Conditioning a special

And as a thank you to all of you, we
have a little Christmas surprise for

Morris.

Happy holiday.

Here you are, dear.

Coasters.

Okay, here we go.

This one's for you.

Oh, Santa.

You shouldn't have. You know me. I'm a
giver.

Lift off.

Guess what, everybody?

We're slashing prices to the end of the
year.

And all of Bernie's employees get an
additional 10 % discount on all of your

holiday perks.

Are you out of your fucking mind?

Why would you give me that?

I didn't.

We are lucky that I'm brilliant at
improv. Otherwise, we'd have ourselves a

situation. You thought that was
brilliant?

Morris, this is no time to critique my
acting.

Honest to God.

Just stay out of my sight.

It's an emerald jag.

It's not here in 30 seconds. I will kill
you.

Hey, Mom, need a lift?

Yeah.

Thank you, sweetheart.

I am so humiliated.

The nerve of him.

Giving me a murder weapon as a Christmas
present.

That was the murder weapon?

That knife?

The detective said it was one like that.

Really? It wasn't in the police report.

Russell, this is not the way home.

Where exactly are you taking us?

Somewhere we can be alone.

And, you know, talk.

Of course.

If that's what you want.

Did you have someplace special in life?

Oh, yeah.

Is there far more?

Yeah, but it's still dark.

Nobody around for miles.

Then I'm glad I've got you to protect
me.

Then it just might let you trim a tree.

Hello, Maura.

Okay,

Ruffalo.

Where the hell are you taking us?

Home.

when we lived here.

You really remember it.

Yeah.

Back when we were a family.

We still are a family.

You think so?

Of course.

This is Rebecca's idea.

She thinks you killed Dad.

And what do you think?

I think I hate this.

I hate that Topanga's dead. I hate that
Dad is dead. And what I hate most of

all,

I'm afraid you did kill him. Listen.

No, I will not listen.

Ring! Fuck!

Rebecca, listen.

No more you listen.

Let's talk about your cousin.

My father.

The man who gave you work.

The man who took care of you your entire
pathetic little life.

And how do you repay him?

You stab him in the heart.

The time has come for you to pay for
your sins.

May God have mercy on your soul.

Morris?

Jesus, are you okay?

For fuck's sake, Morris, what the hell
are you doing?

I've done some things.

Some difficult things for you and
Rebecca.

Bullshit. Alyssa Rampart Pillage cares
about one thing.

No, I'm your mother.

I can tell when you look at me that you
think I'm full of shit.

And you know what?

You're right.

The acting, the career, the series, it's
bullshit.

All of it.

The only real thing I've ever created in
my whole life is your kids.

I care about you more than life itself.

So if you're going to kill me, go ahead
and do it.

Oh, Jesus, Mom.

You are unbelievable.

I'm not going to kill you.

You're probably the only person left in
the family who's not a killer.

Hey, did the eagle land?

Yeah, it landed.

I was about to clip its wings, but then
it hit some turbulence.

Turbulence? Rebecca, what the hell are
you talking about?

Is he dead or not?

Oh, he's dead, all right.

So what's the problem?

The problem is the eagle had a fucking
heart attack.

And how do you frame a vulture for
giving an eagle a heart attack?

Unless... Mom!

Mom, no!

Come on, shit!

What's going on?

Mom fucking left me here.

I'll call you back.

Lisa?

What did you do now?

And you?

You're married to an incredible woman.

Then what do you do? You set her up?

Guess she showed you how she feels about
traitors.

Huh.

So what happened?

Tucker had a heart attack.

I guess his pig valve must have blown a
gasket.

Jesus, Morris can't even get killed
right.

So I gave him a couple of jabs, made it
look like she did it.

You think that'll work?

It has to.

Morris got what he had coming.

And as for Mom, she's about to get hurt
too.

Evening, son.

Where are you headed in such a hurry?

Nowhere.

Just, uh, home, home. I was out and, uh,
you know, I'm down.

I'm going home.

You been drinking?

Drugging?

All right, driver's license and
registration.

Maura?

Maura?

Your car's here.

Are you home?

Let's try and slow it down a bit next
time, son. Yes, sir.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a second.

Open the fucking trunk.

Hi. What in God's name happened?

I went back to the house that you told
me to, and I found him.

I cleaned everything up for you.

And then it all went to hell.

I got pulled over for speeding, and then
Morris got a call on his cell phone,

and here we are.

On his cell phone?

I'm sorry.

Look, George, I don't know what you're
talking about.

You don't have to cover for me.

It's okay.

And I figure in 15, 20 years with good
behavior, I'll be out and I can pick up

right where we left off. You're an
attractive young man. And we're talking

prison. I don't think you want to be the
belle of that ball.

I want to do this.

I see it as the ultimate way to prove my
love.

Oh, you poor, dear, sweet, stupid boy.

Now, I'm only going to say this once.

Yes, I was mad at Morris. I was angry,
period.

But I didn't kill him.

Yeah, just like you didn't kill Bernie.

Right. But you did kill Bernie, didn't
you? I didn't kill Bernie.

Or Morris.

Or anyone.

Wow.

You really were robbed of that award.

Some people thought that Dee Wallace
deserved it again.

But not me. George, are you out of your
mind?

Under no circumstances did Dee fucking
Wallace deserve that actress that year.

What do you think of the Morris that
hurt me? I don't know.

But I'm not the one sitting here in an
orange jumpsuit.

You don't actually think that I killed
him, do you?

Please.

I just need to hear you say it, okay?

Make my sacrifice worthy of you.

Just tell me that you killed one of
them. Either one.

It doesn't matter. Please.

Okay, George, that's it.

Good luck.

You're gonna need it. What? No!

No! Kill her, woman! Kill her! You
killed both of us! Kill her!

No! Just give me one more chance.

I'm close.

I'm really close. I can feel it. I
can... I can... I know I can get her to

crack. I know I can. Let me wear the
wire again. Please.

Sure, buddy. You got her on the run.

Dear Dave, if you're reading this, I'm
dead.

Probably at the hands of Alyssa.

Which is why I am giving you this key.

concerned about the stores.

They're your father's legacy.

And they're your future.

So I make your deal. No deal.

Squirm all you want.

You're being brought to justice.

Honey, this is not about justice.

It's about PR.

I want you and Russell to have the
business.

Free and clear.

All I ask for in return is the house.

And your public support.

You think having us in court acting all
concerned is going to make you look

innocent? Honey, I was on network
television for years. Looking innocent,

handle. No deal.

But maybe in prison they'll let you put
on a show.

No, I didn't want to have to bring this
up.

But I went to visit George the other day
for the funeral.

That's nice.

Turns out he didn't kill Morris.

But I think we both know who did.

So, sweetie, it's not a matter of you
kids supporting me, but of all of us

putting on a united front as a family.

You are un -fucking -believable.

Do we have a deal?

Tonight, the private world of TV icon
Alyssa Rampart -Pillage. I'm Lawrence

Arian. I'm sitting here with Russell and
Rebecca Pillage.

Thank you for having me in your home.

Thank you.

Alyssa Rampart Pillage is one of the all
-time greats, and she happens to be

your mother.

So, what's it like to see your mother
accused of killing your father?

Kind of sucks, Lawrence.

And yet you stand behind her.

You do support her, right?

She's a complicated woman, but yeah, she
will always be our mother.

And she will always be America's HMO
nurse.

In a word, liberating.

Hi, I'm Rebecca Pillage, the super chill
princess of cool.

Hey folks, I'm Russell Pillage, the
crown prince of cool. From this day on,

Bernie's air conditioning will be 100 %
green.

Now all our appliances feature the
Energy Star seal. And we're donating 10

our profits to a very important cause.

Saving the rainforest.

So come out to our newest store.

In Tarzana!

Cut!

That's a wrap.

You guys are naturals.

I feel like such a tool.

Welcome to the wonderful world of
retail.

I know I'm supposed to keep my distance.

But I just had to see my baby.

And I want you to know, I am so very,
very proud of you.

Now, as we agreed, I'll go.

Goodbye, my darlings.

Mom, wait.

Why don't you stay?

And Alyssa Rampart Pillage for Why Don't
You Stay? The Alyssa Rampart Pillage

Story. And the winner is... Alyssa
Rampart

Pillage for Why Don't You Stay? The
Alyssa Rampart Pillage Story.

This is Alyssa's first win and fourth
nomination.

Never, never did I dream of taking one
of these home.

Thank you.

Thank you to the Academy and to so many
people. Maria De La Torre, who played

Rebecca with such sincerity and heart.

And to Tyler Shane Donovan, who played
Russell.

To win this award for my own life story.

Well, it just makes me proud.

Proud to be an actress.

Proud to be a mother.

Proud that I love too much.

And I'd also like to... And I'd also
like to thank you for doing that.

My baby, Rebecca and Russell, and my
darling, Topanga.

I wish you could be here to see them.

For they are my inspiration.

Not just for this story, but for my
life.

So our first day is like major
entrepreneurs.

What do you think?

I think the old man would be proud.

Really? Now we opened Tarzan under
budget, went green, and exceeded all of

sales goals.

Yeah, but Mom.

Mom is Mom.

There's nothing we can do about it.

I guess no one knew that better than
Dad.

Come in the bed.

Emily.