All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s08e07_the_last_roll_call

Meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and sketches and jokes on a
new, with us about you and Bill Blue. So

meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Dear Mum, we left Rangoon at tea time
and the boys are all very cheerful.

At last we're coming home.

There are 600 blokes on this boat and
only three girls.

There's nothing much to do all day
except lifeboat drill.

And watch the porpoises.

We came through the Red Sea, which
wasn't, and we passed the bit where

crossed, but we didn't see nothing.

Coming through the Suez Canal, we
noticed that the little Arab boys wore

shirts all day long.

They lifted them up to show us what nice
legs they got.

So the captain sent the three girls down
to their cabin.

But I think they looked through the
porthole.

When we reached the Mediterranean, the
blokes got a bit bored, so we gave them

show.

But not a very long one.

We passed the Rock of Gibraltar and came
out into the Atlantic, where we ran

into an awful storm.

And a lot of us was ill.

I want to die.

I just want to die.

In that case, you won't want your state
and kidney put.

I'll get over.

Then we got our first glimpse of dear
old England.

But not for long, the fog came up.

Get in that letter for me.

You'll be home before it arrives.

I never thought of that.

Leave the boy alone.

He can use it in his memoirs.

There it is, lovely boys.

Dear old him.

Where?

I'll just about make some figures out.

Over there.

Perhaps it's a band to welcome us.

They always have a band.

I expect the mayor will be there as
well.

I don't want any speeches.

I just want to go home.

Hey, it is a band. I can see a fella in
a uniform, look.

He's waving a placard.

What's it say?

Prepare to meet thy maker.

Don't tell me they sent him as well.

Just had orders to disembark, Mr.
Williams. Get the chaps moving.

Stop! Right, get your kids piled down
the gangway. What gangway?

All the way here, unless you'd rather
jump.

Thanks very much for loving for you.

Sergeant Major, take him over to that
shed.

What shed?

Over there. You'll come to it.

I can't see a thing, Sergeant Major.

Just follow me.

What are you doing?

I've got a long way to get there,
Sergeant Major. I don't want to lose you

Just put your hand on my shoulder.

The rest of you do this to me.

the wrong way. Shut up.

Nearly snuffed it.

Oh, that would have been a rotten luck,
wouldn't it?

Right. You lot.

You're next.

What for?

Go through customs.

Customs? But we're soldiers.

We're soldiers.

We're in the air.

Like a load of poofs to me.

watches, jewellery, cameras, binoculars,
furs, heavy machinery. Are you mad?

We're just talking about the jungle.

Where? In Burma.

What were you doing there?

Fighting the Japanese.

It was ours, you know. The Japanese took
it and we had to get it back.

What do you think we're wearing these
hats for, eh? I thought you were

Australians.

I think this is a damn bad show. These
chaps have been fighting for king and

country. That little one must have been
a big help.

Africa, Italy and France.

Now, have you anything to declare?

No? All right, move on.

I'm absolutely

livid. How dare they subject

us to this after all we've been through?
I must say that customs officer was

damned high -handed.

I'm jolly well going to complain.

Yes, you go and do that.

Ask him his name. Yes, I will.

Now, look here.

I'm going to put in a complaint about
your cavalier treatment of our men.

What's your name?

Palmer. Where did you get that ring?

It's mine.

A bit effeminate for a man.

Dick, I bought it in the bazaar for my
wife.

You got a receipt?

You don't get receipts in a bazaar.

Would you mind coming with me, sir?

Don't let us make heavy weather over
this. Captain Ashwood was only joking

reporting you.

Haven't you got a sense of humour?

I think you should know, sir, that when
we passed our final exam, they put us

into a room, and there we sit for one
hour listening to records of Tommy

Handley, Max Miller and Rob Wilton. And
if one of us so much as smiles, we're

out.

Pardon me, please.

Come on, move yourself!

Move yourself!

Come on, move yourself!

Right!

Excuse me, Sergeant Major.

Why are we doing all this?

Why are we doing all this?

Because, Mr. Lardy Darkheart O 'Graham,
you have been lying around on a troop

ship for six weeks, and you was flabby,
and now no conditions!

But we're being demobbed tomorrow.

You do not buck your ideas up. You'll be
on a fizzer, and instead of being

demobbed, you will be doing 28 -day CB.

And after that, another 28 -day CB.

Enough of that, enough of that, enough
of that, enough of that!

The way you is going, you could be in
the army till you's very old.

Have a heart, Sergeant Major.

Have an heart? Have an heart?

You ask me to have an heart, I have not
got no heart!

Because you broke it!

You smashed it into tiny pieces!

I hear this!

It's not me to be mobbed till 1 ,200
hours tomorrow.

It is now.

1 ,200 hours today.

For the next 24 hours, I shall be
watching you like an orc.

You put one foot wrong, and I shall have
you in the guardroom locked up.

Excuse me, Sergeant Major. Do you think
we could continue this discussion

indoors? Yes.

We're sent to the skin.

Shut up!

Watch out!

Oh, heavens, Ashwood.

Sergeant Major's doing all that
inspecting and stamping around stuff.

We don't want to get involved, do we?
Definitely not, sir. Let's get down to

officer's nest.

I think a few gins, a good meal, and
then a nap in one of those great big

leather armchairs. The order of the day?

Next to the idea. Good.

Shupply umbrella, a bit more my way,
Ashwood. I'm getting sick.

I shouldn't know where I should get
sick.

This is my umbrella, sir.

Here, don't trip on the liner. We'll
have to pull it here, Keith.

Just think, another 24 hours and we
shall be free from all this.

Here, we're going to have to be careful
we don't get in any sort of trouble.

We'll have to be careful we don't get in
any sort of trouble.

Roll up. Come on, you brats!

Now get this into your thick heads.

You think because you've come off parade
you was having two hours off? Wrong!

All kits will be laid out according to
this diagram.

Oh, dear!

I want this lino polished until it is
gleaming, gleaming, gleaming!

He starts all that gleaming business
again. Shut up!

These windows is filthy.

Clean them.

I want that glass invisible.

Polish that stove until it looks like
silver. I want it shining, shining,

shining! We just know how to have it
gleaming, gleaming, gleaming. Shut up!

Oh, dear.

Do something about that coal.

What's wrong with it?

What's wrong with it? You ask me what's
wrong with it? It is filthy!

I will not have dirty, filthy coal in my
bathroom!

Coal usually is dirty, Sergeant Major.

Not in the British Army.

Wash that coal.

Polish that coal.

When I come back, I want to see that
coal!

As soon as I get this uniform off
tomorrow, I shall give myself the

telling him exactly what I think of him.
Join the queue.

I shall call him a mindless,
overbearing, sadistic ignoramus.

Aye. You use all the long ones.

I'll use the short ones.

I'm just going to belt him in the gob.

I can't wait till 12 o 'clock tomorrow.

You know I'm good at gestures. Well, I'm
going to do one for him.

Be powerless.

You'll have to stand.

He'll have apoplexy.

Here. You know what old Shutup's going
to do when he gets demobbed? No, what?

He's going to be a prison warder.

You see him on Dartmoor, making all the
convicts whitewash the rocks they're

breaking.

Fancy taking a job as a prison warder.
That's typical.

He's obsessed with uniforms.

Yeah. I know what I'm going to do with
my uniform.

I'm going to take it down the bottom of
the garden and I'm going to burn it.

Let's all burn them at the same time.

At 12 o 'clock next Saturday We'll go to
the bottom of our gardens and we'll

light a bonfire and shove our uniforms
on.

Hey, that's a great idea.

And when the smoke's rising up into the
sky, I'm going to shout, goodbye, army,

you've had the worst years of my life.

And at the same time, we'll all think
about each other.

Are we agreed on that?

Yeah.

As only once, Doug.

I live in the flat.

not want to get back home.

More than anything in the world.

Shut up!

Officers, they have passed, Ashwood.

Now you lot go through that door there.

Now, chaps, this could be the parting of
the ways.

We may not see each other again.

But I'm not going to get emotional.

We've been through a lot together.

I just want to say... What I wanted to
say was... What's the word I'm looking

for, Ashwood?

Goodbye, sir.

one thing is quite certain, I shall
never forget any of you.

Goodbye, Gunner, Gunner.

Bye,

Graham. Keep tickling the ivories.

Thank you, sir. Goodbye.

Bye, Belmont.

If you ever see my name outside a
theatre, be sure and come round.

Of course.

Goodbye.

Good luck, Tarkin. Sir.

Good luck, er...

Of course, yes.

Good luck.

Evans. Thank you.

Macintosh, give my regards to everybody
north of the border.

It might take a wee while, sir, but I'll
try.

Well, sir, this is it.

Good luck in Dartmoor or wherever you're
going.

Thank you, sir.

It's been a privilege to serve under
you. Yes.

Once again, goodbye and good luck, all
of you.

Thank you, sir.

Oh,

don't break down now.

By the time you get to the end of this
hall, you will be kitted out in suit,

shirt, hat, shoes and accessories of
your personal choice.

We have a full range of sizes and a wide
selection of colours and materials.

All presented to you by His Majesty,
King George VI.

I wonder if they'll have my appointment
on the label.

Shut up!

Now, first of all, we take the shirts.

We have the types A, B, C or D. All you
have to do is to tell the clerk of your

choice and collar size.

Right, let's party up the cart and make
a choice!

Eleven. Let me think. Come on, come on,
come on.

I'll have A14, please.

No, no, perhaps I'll have C. Yeah, I'll
have C.

No, no, no. I'll have the D.

Break your mind up over here!

How can I possibly tell until I see the
suit?

Whatever you choose, you still look like
A -puff.

Hold on a minute, Sergeant Major.

We're not in the army.

Your AB -64 is stamped at the end of
this table, and that is 20 foot away.

Now, a lot can happen in 20 foot. You
put one foot wrong inside that 20 foot,

I'll have you back through that door and
into that guard room before your feet

touch the ground.

I don't believe this is happening.

You will, boy, when you's peering
through them bars. Get on with it.

B -16, please.

What's your chest size? 46.

Oh, dear.

I'm going to have trouble with you right
down the line.

You only got him at 20 foot.

I've had him for 10 ,000 miles.

Have you got any boy shirts with fat
necks?

Give him an 18.

Your mother can take a bit in. All
right.

Right.

Do you want a suit or a sports jacket
and flannels?

Are you sure these are officers' suits?

They're all the same, sir. You're just
standing on a different side of the

wreck.

The world's changing, Ashwood.

I'll try a sports jacket, chest 42.

Yes, I'll have the same, 38.

42... 38.

It's quite ghastly. I can't imagine ever
wearing the thing.

Never mind, sir. You can always give it
to your butler or your chauffeur.

Maybe even your gardener.

Look here, there's no need to be
sarcastic.

We've been fighting for people like you.

Heroes are ten a penny around here,
mate.

They're not that bad.

Do you know, Atlas, this is the first
time in my life I've had a completely

suit. I've always had to have my older
brother's.

What, and the other colours?

These are all so drab.

All so drab.

Let me tell you, Mr. Lauderdale Gunner
Graham, if you want a suit suit with a

drape shape, you're in the wrong shop.

What pattern?

I'm not fussy.

I'll have a G36, please. G36, extra
short.

I'll have type C, 42.

C, 42, extra long.

There's no room for my growth.

42A. 42, long.

I'll have type E, 48, short.

Type E48, short. Don't kid yourself.

He means type E48 ridiculous.

These trophies look awful.

I'm going to have a cap.

I'll have the same.

Caps? I need you to have exactly the
same as me.

So I say I want a cap.

These are working men's caps.

Don't you've got a country gentleman's
cap?

Sorry, sir, if I'd known you were
coming, I'd have got some toppers in.

I've a jolly good mind to report to you.
What's your name? Oh, don't start all

that again.

Just think, only three pages before he
stamps our pay books, and we're

again. Don't hang a boat, then. Get on
with it.

Yes, they might shop for dinner.

Name?

Bowman, sir.

Right.

This is your ration book, your clothing
coupon. Thank you.

Relief. Thank you, Mr. Beaumont.

Mr. Beaumont.

Name? Graham, sir, actually.

Ration book, clothing coupon.

Yeah.

Relief. Thank you, Mr. Graham. Thank
you, sir.

Name? Right. What did he call me?

Mr. Beaumont.

I'm released.

I'm free.

I'm free.

Never thought I'd see the day.

It's a bit of an anticlimax, really.

What do we do now?

You're going to tell those shut -ups
what you think of them. Oh, they're long

words. And you were going to do your
gestures, Lofty.

Better hang on for Nobby. He's going to
hit him.

Go on, Nobby. You can hit him now.

And then I'll do my gestures.

Oh, I'd better wait. He's not out the
army yet.

Thank you, Mr Williams.

He is now.

Yeah, well, I can't sit him now. My arms
are all full.

Put it down.

No. Someone might nick it.

You have a go, Paderewski.

Oh, I really can't be bothered. I'm
going to go and get changed.

No, I can't be bothered either.

You're just scared he might hit your
back.

You with him, then?

No.

He might get me on some technicality.

I'm not going to bother either.

Right.

Looks so pathetic.

Come on, fellas, let's get changed.

Meat, butter, clothing coupons.

Mr. B .L. Williams.

Civilian.

Never thought I'd see the day.

The usual, Ashwood? Oh, thanks, no
problem.

Two gin and tonics, please.

Sorry, dear, no spirits until seven o
'clock, and then only for regulars.

How can you have regulars in the station
bar?

Some people work, dear.

How dare you? Who realises we've been
fighting for people like you?

D -mobs, are you?

We get a lot of your thought through
here, all wanting us to be grateful.

I must have had 50 men fighting for me
this week.

Did any of them get you?

Watch it, or I might not serve you at
all.

I've had enough of it. What's your name?

Just give us two halves of bitter.

It'll have to be mild and bitter. We're
rationed.

There,

you look very, uh... Very, uh... Doesn't
he, Ashford?

Yes, sir, very.

I feel like Berkshire.

I suppose we've got to get used to it.

Would you take me on it?

another one, please.

Why didn't you say so before?

Because he wasn't here before.

He's been away fighting, has he?

Just get the beer.

There's that embarrassing little man.

I hope he's not going to join us.

Roffy, you look very, uh, very sure.

Yes.

Fancy a beer, Gloria?

Oh, don't mind the fancy.

When you're ready, miss, we'll have two
beers.

Sorry, finished.

The beer's finished.

Oh, well.

Oh, never mind, fellas. We haven't got
that long anyway.

There's still something else left.

Three -fourths twice, please, miss.

Yes.

We all are, then.

Where are you off to, Bombadier?

London. My agent's fixed me a pantomime.

Wishy -washy.

Understand.

I suppose most of you are off home.

Aye. Yeah.

What about you, Gamma Graham?

Oh, yeah.

Mr. Graham, now.

I'm going to look up my old tutor in
Cambridge.

Trying to get into the habit of being a
civilised human being again.

I'm going to see my old poor man in the
shipyard.

Trying to get into the habit of working
again.

I'm just going to loaf around for a
couple of weeks. Then I'll get a job.

There's plenty about.

I'll soon get something.

Smart boy like you be staffed up in no
time.

Expect you're going straight to
Parkhurst or Dartmoor, sir?

No, no, sir. I just heard there's been a
bit of a hold -up there.

Where are you off to, then?

Oh, I don't know, sir. I'll probably get
digs round here and hang on for a bit.

And I won't forget you.

Any of you.

Bye -bye, Peter.

Bye, sir.

Hurry, I'll be after it. First -class
compartment's usually up front.

What's the matter, boy?

You forgot something?

No, no.

Well, you don't miss your train.

That's all right.

I haven't blown the whistle yet.

You didn't get that job, did you,
Sergeant Major?

No. Oh, they turned me down.

Too old.

Still, depressing places, prisons,
aren't they?

So you haven't got anywhere to go, then?

Well, nowhere special.

What about that widow lady in Wales with
the pub that he was always telling me

about?

Yeah, well, I rang her up last night,
and he was but answered the phone.

I tell you what, you can come and stay
with Mum and me.

Until you get things sorted out.

I can do that.

Of course you can.

Mum always asked after you in her
letters.

It is.

I haven't seen her for 25 years.

I'd like to see her again.

Well, that's it then.

Only till I get myself sorted out, mind.

Oh, you soon do that.

Come on, sir.

Up you, lovely boy.

Shoulders back.

Time for the shoulders.

Show them off.

Come on, Park. Keep it going.

Come on.

Meet the gang, cos the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way, to rave in the rafters with

hey, hey, hey.

With fun and sketchy and gentle review,
without the blouse, you won't feel blue.

So meet the gang, cos the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

We are here to make you feel gay.

So give us a cheer with a hey, hey, hey.

Just gather around and put down your
gun. With us to fight the plenty of fun.

So we can get close. The boys are here.

The boys to entertain you.

B!

Dear Gloria -sam, I have got my ticket
for the boat to Belaiti, and I shall be

home in six weeks.

And I hope most sincerely that you will
come to the grand opening of my

restaurant, the Star of India, in the
beautiful city of Bradford.

I expect it is cold in Belaiti, but out
here, as Gunnar Parkey always used to

say,

core blimey, it ain't half hot, ma 'am.

Shut up.