All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s08e06_the_long_road_home

Meet the gang cause the boys are here.
The boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way. To raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and sketches and jokes old
and new. With us about you and Bill

So meet the gang cause the boys are
here. The boys to entertain you.

Three, two.

B -O -Y -S, boys, to entertain you!

And no one knows Who is the handsome
hero

Some villain always frames But who cares
if there's a plot or

not When you've got a lot of dames What
do you go for?

You can't recall their names They don't
do use But they're depressing And home

addresses linger in your memory like
those beautiful days

Oh, dear. We're not going to start that
again, are we?

Round the pan, everybody. Come on. Are
you ready? One, two.

700, 800, 900, 1000, 10, 20, 30, 1, 2.

How are you getting on, Erfurt?

I've nearly finished, sir. It's
difficult with all that noise.

Let me stop them, sir.

I could take them away and give them
silent PT.

Outside the cab, sir. You wouldn't hear
them.

Let them carry on, sir.

It beats me why they want to rehearse,
sir. They start for home in a few hours.

Trust me, they liked dressing up as
girls.

It isn't bad. Bombardier Beaumont wants
to have a show ready for when we're on

the boat.

After all, it's a five -week journey
back to England.

Chaps can get a bit bored, you know.

I don't think it's wise to give all that
money, sir.

It's a heavy.

Out here in the jungle, they've only
been drawing about five rupees a week.

Now they're going home, they want the
rest, and they're quite entitled to have

it.

It's my experience of soldiers, sir,
that once they get some money, they

threaten it away.

on drink and women.

Now, this lot being poofs.

Now, Jess leaves the drink.

With respect, sir, we could be turning
them into alcoholics.

Oh, Jess, I've lost count.

Colonel Randolph, I'm ready to give your
chaps their inoculations, TAB and

cholera booster.

Good. Get them on parade, sir. Right,
get on parade! Come on, come on, come

Start still, start still!

Pay attention!

You will parade with...

AB64s, and unless your inauguration is
duly stamped inside your AB64s, you will

not get on that boat, so I don't want no
protest nor excuses for that.

We don't mind a bit, Sergeant Major,
honestly.

We're going to be ever so brave.

Just as long as we get on that boat, you
can use me as a pincushion.

Don't let them put me in first. They're
always shoving me in the front because

I'm little.

I'm fed up with it.

Yeah, fellas, can we let Lofty go last
just this once?

Thanks, Rory. That's all right.

I'm in such a good mood, you could ask
me for anything.

Let me have you then! Move yourselves!

I'm sorry they've dressed up as tarts,
sir.

That's all right.

I expect you would have preferred a lady
doctor.

Still not to worry. I injected a platoon
of Burmese gorillas last week and I'm

not a vet.

Right. Oh, dear.

Now then, as soon as you try your
injections, you will step smartly up

country Nashwood, at the ordinary room
table, and get your pay and credits.

Which arm do you want, Sergeant Major?
Both of them.

Do we get a bar of chocolate, Sergeant
Major?

Do we get a bar of chocolate, Sergeant
Major?

No, you does not get a bar of chocolate.

Until you is demoted, you're supposed to
be soldiers, and not the oval teenies.

963 rupees, add your pay book. Thank
you, sir. Don't worry, it soon wears

We had ours a couple of days ago.

Just think, Carlton.

In a few hours, you'll be selling last
cup of cha and saying goodbye to concert

party forever.

It is the saddest day of my life.

What will you do without British?

They cannot live without us. They like
my Chinese cooking.

You are right. They like me because they
like my cha. And they can shout at me

and call me rude name.

I think they'll send for us.

Oh, heavenly joy.

If I could live in England.

They could shout at me and call me rude
names all day. It would be bliss.

Where are they going?

Four o 'clock.

Now listen, Afin.

I have bought beautiful goodbye presents
for all concert party.

They're in village.

You come with me now and help me carry
back, okay?

You got a present for me?

No, you ignorant cully.

You're not going nowhere.

That is gonna park him, sir.

May I ask you a personal question?

Speaking as a medical man, have you ever
seen such a fine pair of shoulders?

A fine physical specimen, sir. Brave as
a lion. Ow!

Sensitive with it.

That's your pay, boy.

Right, last one.

Sorry,

sir, we're out of cholera vaccine.

That's a bit of a blow. There should be
another capital of bottles.

Only the one, sir.

It's cloudy and the top's faulty. Look.

Only that's a bit of a bind.

Colonel, I'm afraid we can't do this
one. We're out of cholera.

Well, can't you take him to GHQ, give
him a jab and bring him back again?

Well, in the first place, I'm not going
back to GHQ.

And in the second place, I've got no
vaccine there either.

But not to worry, they're flying some
more in within the next couple of days.

Well, the truck will be leaving in a
couple of hours. I'll miss the boat.

Oh, that's a bit hard, isn't it?

Never mind, there'll be another boat in
a few weeks' time.

GHQ will get you on that, I'm sure.

You've nothing urgent to get home for,
have you?

Anyway, I love you.

Safe journey home.

Bye, thank you.

Right, check. Stop!

Right, get yourselves back. You haven't
got long to move yourselves.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Wipe the fear, baby dear, from your
eyes.

I don't know what to say, Lofty.

I just don't know what to say.

Do you know what to say, fellas?

Look, can't we smuggle him aboard in one
of the costume baskets?

He can't stay locked up in a basket for
five weeks.

He'd get hungry.

We could feed him soup through a straw.

They might not have soup.

They might serve melon.

We could slosh it up and slosh it
through the lid.

Supposing there was a shipwreck, though?
He wouldn't be able to escape in time.

Houdini did.

Maybe we could forge his AB -64.

Make it look like ours does. What good
would that be? When old shut -up and the

officers know that he hasn't been done.

Perhaps we could bribe him. Every man
has his price.

I think that would be rather more than
we can manage.

Even if we all chipped in with
everything we've got.

Which, speaking for myself, I'm not
prepared to do.

Well, the officers should do something
about it.

I mean, that's what officers are for.

To do something.

Whatever gave you that idea?

Lofty being left behind on his own is a
matter of supreme indifference to them.

Well, you don't seem that concerned
either. I mean, you're not prepared to

in. Would you?

That's not the point.

I've got it, pal.

You're the great humanitarian, right?
You stay with them, keep them company.

They wouldn't let me.

Anyway, Lofty wouldn't want you to do
that.

Would you, Lofty?

I wouldn't mind.

Have you seen my silverback hairbrush?

No, sir, I haven't. I say, I hope some
loose waller hasn't pinched it.

The truck's due any minute, sir.

You know, I should miss this old place,
say I should.

Drinks together in the evening as the
sun went down.

Swapping yarns by the light of the lamp.

You know, you're quite good company in
your own self -effacing sort of way.

Thank you, sir.

I must say your cheerful optimism has
kept me going no matter how gloomy

everything may have seemed at the time.

You've been, well, you've been a chum.

Oh, thanks, I should.

I hope we can get a cabin together on
the boat. Yes, well, I don't know about

that.

I'm hardly likely to put a captain in
with a colonel, but I'll try and swing

Thanks, sir.

Oh, I'm awfully sorry, sir.

I had it all the time.

Yes, but how often have I told you I do
not like people using my hairbrush?

Oh, look, there's one of your hairs on
it.

I'm sorry, sir.

Look, Ashford, there's one thing I have
noticed about you during the year or two

we've been together, and that is your
total lack of consideration for other

people's feelings.

You take everything too much for
granted. You never say, can I this or

that. You just take it and use it.

My toothpaste, for instance.

You thought I wouldn't notice, didn't
you? But I noticed, all right.

Squeeze the tube through the middle.

Very underhanded of you.

Oh, well, if we're trotting out home
truths...

There's one thing about you that drives
me absolutely round the bend.

It's the way you talk through your teeth
with your pipe in your mouth. What are

you on about?

You're doing it now.

And then there's those disgusting little
black wet bits you keep knocking out

all over the basher floor.

It's most unhygienic.

Don't be such a bloody old woman.

Oh, I'm an old woman now, am I? Would I
ever coin a phrase, pot calling kettle

black?

Just one other thing you're forgetting,
Ashford. Oh, yes, and what childish,

petty little idiosyncrasy you're going
to drag up now.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Never mind, Lottie. I mean, you'll only
be a couple of weeks behind us.

Four at the most.

That's not the point.

I won't be with you.

We've been together all this time, and I
want you to be with me until the end.

And I won't be able to do the show on
the boat.

That new number.

Dames. It's smashy. You in your lovely
dresses and me and me tails.

What do we go for?

Go to a chauffeur.

We go to see those wonderful dames.

I'm going for a little walk.

That was so embarrassing.

Thank goodness he's gone.

You think that was embarrassing?

You imagine what it's going to be like
when we line up and say goodbye to him

one by one.

Oh, I can't understand it. I'll break
down.

I know I will.

Look at that.

He's got a heart.

Every New Year's Eve when they sing Auld
Lang Syne, I break out into goose

pimples and have to go and hide in the
toilet.

I'm no good at that sort of thing
either.

When I got called up, I cried when I had
to say goodbye to the parrot.

He kept saying hello, hello. I said, no,
you buck, it's goodbye.

Cried like a baby.

Well, we're all softies.

Otherwise we wouldn't be in show
business.

I mean, look at Nosher.

Even he's got a faraway look in his
eyes.

I was just thinking, I wonder what the
grub will be like on the boat.

I'm a real artiste.

There's a lot of clown in me.

I can laugh.

Even when I'm choking back the tears.

And more than that, I'm a very good
actor.

So I shall say goodbye to Lofty on
behalf of Thor.

What are you going to say?

I don't know. I'm trying to think.

I know.

I can do that speech that Charles Boyer
did of Napoleon when he said farewell to

his troops.

Will it fit?

Well, I can change some of the French
bits and I won't kiss him.

Sergeant Major, the truck's here.

Already?

Right, get them baskets on the truck.
Move yourselves.

Turn around, sir. The truck's arrived.

What, already?

I haven't finished my packing. I hope
so.

Well, I suppose we'd better get going.
No point in hanging around.

Tell the men to load their kit. Sir,
move yourselves!

Come on, move yourselves! Don't you want
to get back to England or not?

Don't chuck my things in like that,
Ashford! Have you no respect for other

people's property?

Don't you want to go home? Yes, of
course I do, but don't want my things

about.

Don't pack that, I'm weary!

Here,

Noppy.

I wonder where the charwalla's gone.

He sloped off half an hour ago, Puffy.
Oh, we can't leave without saying

to him. We can't wait here till he gets
back.

I know what.

Give the money we collected to Lofty. I
mean, he can get to the charwalla for

us. Lofty, would you give this to the
charwalla and say goodbye for us?

Oh, all right, sir.

Are you off, then?

Yes, Lofty, we're off.

Well, Lofty, on behalf of Thor, I'd just
like to say a few words. All in the

concert party!

Not you, not you!

Sergeant Major... Shut up!

It's got to shine!

Sergeant Major, we haven't said goodbye
to Lofty yet.

Very well, then. Say goodbye to Lofty.

Goodbye, Lofty.

Left, left, left, left, left, left,
left, left, left, left, left, left,

left, left, left, left, left, left,
left, left, left, left, left, left,

left, left, left, left, left, left,
left, left, left, left, left, left,

left, left, left, left, left, left,
left, left, left, left, left, left,

left, left, left, left, left, left,
left, left, left, left, left, left,

left, left, left, left, left, left,
left, left, left, left, left, left,

left, left, left, left, left, left,
left, left, left, left, left, left,

left, left, left, left, left, left,
left, left, left, left, left, left,

left, left, left, left, left, left,
left, left,

Did you forget something?

No.

I came back to say goodbye.

I thought you was cross with me.

What made you think that?

The way you pushed them out when they
were trying to say goodbye to me.

I did that for your sake, Lofty boy.

I didn't want them puffs crying.

Getting sentimental over you.

I knew it would upset you.

Sometimes, Lofty, one has to be cruel to
be kind.

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Now, listen to me, Lofty.

I want you to be very brave.

And I know you can be.

I've seen you out on that stage, singing
your little art out.

The audience chucking things.

But you've carried on.

And that's what I want you to do now.

With a brave smile and a cheerful heart.

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Goodbye, Lofty.

Goodbye, Sergeant Major.

I shall miss you.

I've learned in this life that one
doesn't get many of you to the pound.

Just one thing, Lofty.

You may be here for quite a few days.

Don't let this old place fall into a
shambles.

Keep your basher tidy.

Keep your kit laid out.

Inspect yourself every morning.

Keep them stones whitewashed.

Duty calls.

This is very strange, Justin.

Where is everybody?

Hello? Hello?

They've gone.

The truck came one hour early.

Where have you been?

I have been to village. I have this
beautiful present for all concert party.

It is my big surprise.

Oh, dear.

I cannot believe that they would go
without saying goodbye to me.

Me, Mohammed the Chawala.

They said they were sorry to miss you
and they left you this. It's 100 rupees.

Oh, it is too kind.

But rather I would say goodbye to them
and give them the present.

What's that?

They come back?

Oh, they remembered me. Oh, heavenly
joy.

There you are. Glad I caught you.

I've got your cholera booster.

I knew I had another bottle. That idiot
Audley of mine put it in with a bunch of

bubonic. Well, roll your sleeve up.
You'll be able to go after all.

I can't. They've gone half an hour ago.

We'll just have to find some way of
catching them up.

Can you give me a lift on your jeep? I
can't go chasing trucks halfway to

Rangoon. I've got urgent cases to see
to.

Stop. I have idea.

Just park next village's garage.

There a man has taxi.

You hire a taxi, catch a truck.

What about all my gear?

I can't carry it all that way with my
little legs.

Give it to me, sir. You and all my
presents will go to boat by hooky or

Best thing to do is stop every three
miles, let it cool down.

That's 150 miles, Sir Rangoon.

The boat leaves midday tomorrow.

At that rate, we won't get there till
next week.

What's up? Excuse me, sir.

Do you have a penknife with little lever
for getting that toad out of horse's

hoof? No.

I have gone lame, sir.

Wack. Put me down.

Did you hear that, sir?

Get a Parkinson's on it again. It's a
garage.

Garages sell fan belts.

The boy is right, sir. Garages sell fan
belts.

Go and see if anyone can help us. So.

Hey up, Johnny.

Shop.

Why are you waking me up?

Can you not read?

It is early closing day.

And now it's early opening day.

We want a fan belt, jolly.

Come back tomorrow.

What?

Please, be a darling. Wait a minute.

You are those jolly concert party boys.

You can have your fan belt.

Thank you.

That's more like it.

After you have done a show.

Have you gone off your flaming rocker?
We're going to bolt the cat.

This is the opportunity sun from heaven.

I'm always telling my wife about you.

She has never seen you.

Now is her chance.

Now see here, Johnny. Oh, it's all
right, Sergeant Major.

Get changed, fella.

We'll do the dame's number.

Oh, dear.

Now you will never catch boat. I'm not
giving in.

The last thing that Sergeant Major said
was carry on with a brave smile and a

cheerful heart.

I'm thinking of in the middle of Burma
with a broken rickshaw and a brave

We are going to look pretty damn silly.

Look!

I've been approached a fool all my life.

There's nothing else for it. Someone has
to take something from us.

My body's only five foot tall.

I've got a boat to catch. I don't know
the words.

Well, I'll prompt you. Positions,
everyone.

Positions, everyone.

One. One.

Two, three, four.

What do we go for?

Go see a show for. Go see a show for.

Tell the truth, you're going to see
those beautiful dames. Tell the truth,

you're going to see those beautiful
dames. You spend your dough for. You

your dough for.

Bouquets that grow for. Bouquets that
grow for.

Oh,

those beautiful dames.

You don't recall their names, do you?
But their caresses and home addresses.

their caresses... Linger in your memory
of these beautiful

Danes. Of those beautiful Danes.

Wasn't difficult, was it?

Right, off we go. On the track, will we,
Gerald?

But we haven't changed. Do that...

a taxi. Follow that truck.

Sorry, no taxi. Go away.

Hey, do you know who you are talking to?

This is Vip.

Vip? VIP.

Very important person.

Gunner Lochte Hugdon.

Star of Royal Artillery Concert Party.

I'm recognising you. You are my biggest
fan.

Everything in the garage is at your
disposal.

Thank you very much. I'll take a taxi.

You'll have taxi first thing tomorrow
morning when you come back from waiting.

can't wait till tomorrow morning. I want
to go to Rangoon. The ship's waiting.

Hey, what about that motorbike? That is
my personal transport.

But I will lend it to you if you just
give me your autograph.

Done. Plus 500 rupees.

party, Reynolds.

You've cut it a bit fine, sir. Had
trouble with our fan belt.

They're casting off pretty soon. The
captain wants to catch the tide.

Ashwood.

That'll be Sergeant Major Williams.

We're one short.

Gunner Sagnum will not be joining us.

Right, I'll cross him off.

Gunner Clark.

Sir.

What will you have all want?

I've got time to go to the chemist. I've
run out of make -up remover.

Shut up and get on board.

Gunner Macintosh.

You ever seen a pair of shoulders like
our people?

They're going to do much more of that.

I've got rather a headache.

Move yourself!

Come on, come on, come on, let's have
you, let's have you!

There it is, lovely boys.

Take your last look at the mythical
East.

You'll probably never see it again.

Aye, and good reddens.

Say that.

That's some good times.

What about when you came under fire from
them Jaffa snipers?

You won't get that kind of experience in
Simmy Street.

Right, stand by to lower the gangway.

As I live and breathe as the little
Caruso.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank

you.