All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s08e05_never_the_twain_shall_meet

Meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and sketches and jokes all
anew with us about you and Phil Blue. So

meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

move yourselves.

I want this camp looking smart, smart,
smart.

But, Sergeant Major, the war is over.

We won't be here much longer.

Yes, it's all so pointless, Sergeant
Major.

It's all so pointless, Sergeant Major.

Let me tell you, Mr. Lardy Dark and
Graham, the only difference between the

British Army and all other military
rabble is whitewash.

It keeps you busy and it keeps your
quarters hygienic.

It's important, I can understand. But
why do we have to whitewash the trees

outside?

Because by the nature of things, jungles
is untidy.

And like everything else in the British
army, they have to be made to toe the

line.

I always remember a picture we had at
home.

It was the Duke of Wellington winning
the Battle of Waterloo.

There was them British troops, covered
in pie clay, which is what they used

before they had modern inventions like
whitewash.

And them French troops, cowering,
looking scruffy, and smelling of garlic.

If it was a picture, how could you tell
they were smelling of garlic?

Because the Duke had an expression on
his face, like there was a nasty smell

his nose, which is precisely what you is
giving me at this moment, Galasagdon.

So keep whitening that pantry.

Where do you want the rocks, Sergeant
Major?

What's the matter with you two?

We just carried this lot half a mile
from the river.

Tip them out, tip them out.

They're not round enough. Take them back
and get some more.

Just a minute.

Who did this?

I did it, Sergeant Major.

Well, can't you see it's not level?

Another inch sudden.

All ready, Sergeant Meadow? Ready in a
moment, sir.

Why are you wearing shorts, Ashwood? The
Brigadier always takes the mickey out

of your knobbly knees.

You know how it upsets you? I don't
care. I shall be ready for him this

he calls me Sparrowlegs, I shall call
him Winnie the Pooh Tum.

Have you packed your pyjamas?

No, why?

Well, after that remark, you could end
up under close arrest.

I never thought of that. I'd better go
and change. No, no, no, there isn't

All righty, sir.

Now, hear this.

We will be back from GHQ at 1 ,400
hours. While we is gone, you will spend

time weeding.

How do we know which is flowers and
which is weed, Sergeant Major?

Everything in the jungle is weed.

All right.

Carry on, chaps. Yes, carry on.

Right, move that phone.

Get those brushes going. I want this
place gleaming, gleaming, gleaming. Come

on, Lofty, give it plenty. All right,
over there. Come on, then. Gloria,

They've gone.

Relax, everybody.

Tea break.

Hurry up, I have it.

Coming, sir.

I have a special treat today.

Victory cake.

This is appalling.

They're very nice buns, sir.

Oh, no, no, no. I was talking about the
sergeant major.

I thought things would be easier now the
war's over.

Oh, shut up, hasn't he stopped once?

Double guards, Kettley Oaks, P .T.,
Peckett.

It's understandable, I suppose. If his
whole world collapsed, now the war's

over, it's all he's got left to cling
to.

It's the last twitchings of a dying
beast.

How long do you think it'll be before we
get our demon?

Well, I've heard they're going to
release up to Group 10 immediately.

What group are you?

I'm Group 35.

I think we're all about the same.

Well, I'm in no hurry to go home.

I hear the meat ration's only one and
two -pence a week, and two ounces of

butter... and four ounces of sugar.

Well, don't you want to get back to see
your loved one?

Not if she's got nothing to cook.

What I miss most is my mum's roast
potatoes.

If I see another sweet potato, I'm going
to scream.

Aye. I'll miss my mother's tatty scones.

The best thing my mum cooks is Yorkshire
pudding.

Yeah, we have it first up our way, don't
we, Lofty? Of course.

First? What do you mean, instead of
melon or hors d 'oeuvre?

I'm extraordinary.

If times are hard, my mum serves it
first instead of anything else.

What's the matter, Petal?

I haven't got it, Mum.

I expect you missed fish and chips, eh?

Oh, yeah, I missed fish and chips.

When I get home, I'm going to buy myself
two six -penny pieces of cod and three

whole pence of chips all to myself.

Yeah, and a bottle of limeade to wash it
down.

Won't that rather quarrel with the
vinegar?

What am I going to do when you have all
gone home?

You'll go back to India, won't you?

But who's going to buy my tea?

Well, there's bound to be someone around
here to sell you tea to.

Oh, shut up, Wonko. He loves it out
here. Yes, they'll probably have special

camps full of sergeant majors who'll go
around shouting at each other all day

long and whitewashing things.

Excuse me, sir.

Some of these people want to see a man
in charge.

Ask them what they want, Mohammed.

I'll do it, warrior.

Uh, Tezwaski, Jimmy.

Our friend, the linguist.

What do you want?

I want our house, sir.

Sir, these people live here.

This person head man.

Now war is over, they have come back
home.

Ah, that's too bad, Jimmy, because we're
living here now.

So sling your hook.

Malum, scram.

No vacancies.

Compliente.

You are all trespassers.

This? WD property.

King George.

Take a powder.

We've no room.

Cheer up. Just a moment. Can you all
stop behaving like barbarians for one

minute? Don't you realise you're talking
to human beings?

This is their home. We're the
trespassers.

Ah, but if we let them in, we'll end up
sleeping in the jungle.

I think Paddy's is right.

You can't let them sleep in the open
air. Not with the girls and kids.

I've got an idea.

If this lot move in, they'll have to
move us out, back to base.

Away from this rotten, stinking jungle.

And we'll sleep in decent beds. They
might even have flush toilets.

Just imagine, flushed toilets.

It's been so long since I've seen one, I
forgot what they look like.

Ask them which one is their hut.

You're making a big mistake, Gloria.
Chuck them out now.

Oh, shut up and go start raving mad.

I mean, it'd kill us.

Hang about, fellas.

Why don't we tell them to wait until the
officers get back?

Good idea.

Would you mind waiting here until the
officers

come back, you see, and then we will
persuade them to let you stay.

Won't we, fellas?

Oh, yes, yes.

He says, you are a man of great
kindness, Gloria.

It shines from your eyes like the sun on
a mountain top.

That's very nice.

Now, is there anything else?

Yes. Ask him, what time are they killing
that goat?

You'd stop an army vehicle on official
business.

Excuse me, please, sir. I have a
puncture.

Will you give me a lift, please?

Shove off, Johnny.

Don't talk to me as though I was some
damn native.

I merely asked a civil question. Will
you give me a lift?

Give you a lift?

I should cuckoo. For your information,
Johnny, King's regulations clearly state

that the British army does not give
lifts to civilians.

Oh, let me ask you a question.

Would you give me a lift if I was
British?

Well, if he was in uniform, yes.

That's only an excuse.

Would you give me a lift if I was a
British civilian?

If you was a British civilian, you would
not be wearing that silly hat.

For your information, sir, all members
of Congress Party wear this hat, and I

damn proud of it. How dare you insert my
party hat?

I am in a hurry.

Move that bicycle.

I am perfectly entitled to have my
bicycle in the road if I wish, sir. This

public highway.

And I...

I'm perfectly entitled to push your face
in.

Do you know who you're talking to, sir?

My name is Kunwar Pulhara.

I am the chief foreign affairs
correspondent of the world -famous

Calcutta Bugle.

Well, blow off.

How dare you touch my bicycle, sir?

Let me tell you, sir. I represent the
power of the press. And the power of the

press is not to be trifled with.

You will hear more about this. I promise
you.

You damn British.

Why don't you go away and leave the rest
of the world to get on in peace?

Quit India.

Do you hear me, sir? I said quit.

didn't start whitewashing yet.

What about all that weeding I asked you
to do? Them stones is no...

Oh,

my dear.

What's all that mess?

People, Sergeant Major.

Actually, Sergeant Major, they're the
villagers who used to live here. They've

come back home.

In with the beard. He's your landlord.

perfectly entitled to be here, Sergeant
Major. After all, it is their village.

Well, after all, it is their village.

Let me tell you, Mr. Lauderdale, Colonel
Graham, as long as that flag's at the

top of that pole, this is our village,
they is trespassing, you get them out.

Isn't that a bit cruel, Sergeant Major?

They've got nowhere to go.

Did you hear that?

This boy is all heart.

But he will find Gunner Parkins in real
life.

He wants to be cruel to be kind.

You see,

These people, by nature, is ignorant.

And idle.

If we let them stay here, they won't
bother to build a nice new village for

themselves. So I is doing them a favour.

Get out!

All natives out!

I said all natives out!

Don't you recognise me?

I'm the chavalier, I work here. Shut up!

It's on you, man. Those old folks and
kids can't sleep out in the open air.

He's a cold -hearted monster.

Stay out, Pommadeer. I want a double
guard on that gate, all right?

I said stay out. Now, shut up!

Did I do it at the door, Sergeant Major?

That'll be 20, sir.

I thought you was natives.

What on earth's going on, Sergeant
Major? Why all those people out there?

Yeah, dear villagers. Yes, sir. They
used to live here. They wants to come

I told them the village was
requisitioned. But there are some old

children out there. Can't we make room
for them?

Oh, you let one in, sir.

There'd be no end to it.

I mean, we could be swamped by them.

It is their village.

Have you explained our situation?

Oh, in great detail, sir.

Before I kicked them up the backside.

What on earth's going to happen to them?

Oh, perhaps they've got an aunt or
somebody they could go and stay with.

Yes, sir. Better call them in, sir.

What do you think? This is a dangerous
president. This is an order.

Lovely weather, isn't it?

You be quiet, Ashford.

Now, who's in charge?

This person, head man, sir.

Well, ask him if he knows of anyone he
can stay with while we sort this out.

No one, sir.

He said this is their home and they want
it back.

They fed up.

When war starts, the Japanese men come
and say... he will save them from

British. Then he take all their food and
tell them to go.

Then Japanese men run away and they
return to village.

Then British men come and say, he will
save them from Japanese.

Then he takes all their food and tell
them to go and come back when war is

Now, war is over, they have come back
home.

A bit of a problem. What do you think,
Ashford?

Well, sir, we could... We could... It's
a tricky one, sir.

Well, tell them to wait outside while we
think about it.

Would you mind waiting? It's an outside.

Won't keep you a minute.

The way I see it, sir, this village has
been requisitioned by some top high -up

army official.

Now, if we derequisition it over his
head, we could end up in very hot water.

Besides which, we won't have no one to
sleep.

What do you think, Asher?

There's a lot of force in what the
sergeant major says, sir. Yes.

We'd better leave them where they are.

Now, you get on the radio to D .A .Q.
and tell them what's happening. Sir.

Somebody else at the door.

Up and down.

Speak with whoever is in charge, please.
Follow me.

Colonel Reynolds?

Yes? Somebody here to see you.

Ah, hello.

Can I help you?

I, sir, am Mr Kunwar Pulhara, foreign
affairs correspondent from the Calcutta

Bugle. I have just been talking to those
poor people outside.

Is it true that you have driven them
from their homes?

But we didn't actually drive them out to
sea. Excuse me?

I am talking to the organ grinder. I
don't wish to have words with a monkey.

more crack like that, now Jolly will
give you a punch on the news.

You damn British, always going around
offering violence and behaving in a

totally uncivilised manner.

Be very careful, sir.

Everything you say to me will be read by
millions.

I don't care about all rotten rag.

Publish and be damned. Steady on,
Edward. Look, we haven't actually turned

anybody out, have we? No, we haven't
actually turned anybody out.

No, we just asked them to wait, pending
instructions.

Oh. And how long will they have to wait?
Five minutes? Five years? In the

meanwhile, old people and children are
exposed to the elements.

I couldn't get through on the radio, so
there's too much on... Hello?

What are you doing here? Get out!

Steady on. Sorry, Major. He's a
reporter.

Don't you bother with him, sir. He's a
troublemaker.

I will tell you how much of a
troublemaker I am.

I will return later on today.

And if those poor people are not back in
their houses, this whole sordid

business will be exposed in every
newspaper from Bombay to Singapore.

Goodbye.

Move it, Johnny.

I must see him out.

This is damn serious, Ashford. We could
find ourselves in the middle of an

international incident.

Sergeant Major, get back on that radio
and don't come off it until you get

through to GHQ. Sir.

Now he's out of the way, Gloria, why not
drop that hint about his basher? Aye,

old sharp old kick -ups, I just think
they'll have to find somewhere else.

Precisely.

Excuse me, sir. Yes? May we make a
suggestion?

Yes, what is it?

Well, there's not many of them.

Why don't we let them have their little
house back?

Which is their little house? It's not
the officer's basher, is it?

No, sir. Oh, very good idea.

Is it yours?

No, it's not ours.

Is it, um... Yes.

I think perhaps you'd better tell,
Sergeant Major Ashford.

Wouldn't it be better coming from you,
sir?

No.

Why don't you tell him just now, because
he's busy on the wireless.

I want you to know, Sergeant Major, I am
deeply grateful you volunteered to get

out of your bath, sir.

I did not volunteer, sir. No, no, no.
But you would have done if you'd known

the circumstances.

And by doing this, you've been
instrumental in avoiding what could have

very nasty international incident.

And I want to thank you personally.
That's a lot, Sergeant Major.

Just one thing, sir.

Where is I sleeping?

Well, the Colonel and I have decided you
can come in with us.

Thank you, sir.

Right. Boys, move my gear.

to the officer's box. Half a minute.
When Captain Ashford said invalids, he

didn't actually mean invents.

Not in our bedroom. I mean, we couldn't
have that, could we? Oh, yes, sir.

We couldn't have that.

You mean on the veranda, sir? Well, in a
way, yes.

Very nearly on the veranda.

Derek Clark put his things very nearly
on the veranda. Very good, sir.

even seeing you.

Colonel, these poor people were outside,
so I asked them to come here.

But there just isn't room.

Now listen, fellas, this is our chance.

If they move into our basher, as well as
those shut -ups, they'll have to find

us somewhere else to go.

Are you sure you know what you're doing,
Gloria? Just leave it to me.

Excuse me, sir.

They can have our basher.

Shut up!

This man is obviously a humanitarian,
not a tyrant like you.

Well, I don't mind. I mean, I know the
army will find us somewhere else to go.

Calcutta? Colchester?

Shut up. Don't you start.

Well, I dare say you can move your stuff
in the vicinity of our bathroom.

Yes, sir. The salt major's very nearly
on the veranda.

And they could be not quite on the
veranda.

Well, tell them, will you please, Joe?

It's not quite on the ground. Right,
well, we'd better get back to the HQ and

sort things out.

Now, don't antagonize this press fellow,
will you?

It's a very delicate situation.

But, sir, the whole thing is just
interrogating into a complete chaotic

situation. We must do nothing till we
get back. Just carry on as usual. Come

along.

You have your instructions.

I am making note of everything you say
and do.

Right. The colonel said, carry on as
usual.

Gaps, I... for PT.

Move yourselves.

Sergeant Major, we haven't finished
moving ourselves. Shut up and get there

move on.

You are harassing the villagers. I am
writing it down.

Just one R in harassing. Shut up!

Sergeant Major, I don't want to take my
shirt off in front of all these people.

They'll only laugh at me.

Yes, Sergeant Major, and I'm very
sensitive too. I mean, I don't mind when

all men together.

All good and happy to be ashamed of,
sir.

A fine pair of shoulder thumbs.

Yes, well, I can't argue with that.

Hey, get out.

Get a load of this.

Don't make disgusting tortures in front
of these innocent maidens. I am writing

it down. Shut up.

Break it down to five commands.

Up, two, up, two. Get out of here.

Get that job done. How do you move it?

Now you are harassing the court. I am
writing that down.

Shut up.

in my head.

Shut up.

Shut up.

What's he doing with my lovely
whitewash?

He's painting it with mud. They don't
want their pretty village to look like a

dirty army camp.

Dirty army camp?

Vandals! My lovely whitewash.

My...

It was making the place look untidy.

That's it.

Get your rifles and burn it!

What for, Sergeant Mason? Shut up!
That's an order! Fix burn it!

Are you going to burn a defenceless
woman and children?

Brave soldier!

I'll show you what I'm going to do,
Johnny.

me, Sergeant Major. Shut up!

Don't you think you'd rather overstep
the mark? Put that flag back where it

belongs. I haven't got the flag,
Sergeant Major.

I think they took it with them.

Go and get it back!

There is no need. I have it here.

Where did you come from?

Through the back door.

Take your foreign hands off that flag.

With pleasure.

And this is what I think of a flag
that... on defenceless women and

Right.

You've done it now.

You're under arrest for treason.

McGee, George, Clark, grab him.

No!

Just grab his legs.

Sunderland, take his shoes off. Put him
in a storehouse. Hey, Chaibala, help me.

I'm sorry.

I'm under contract to British Army.

You put your head through that door once
more, Johnny, and you'll party out of

me round your shoulders.

I'm not, boy. Let facilities in.

I'm waiting.

Just once more, Johnny.

Sergeant Major's really cooked his goose
this time. I hope they don't keep us

here for the court of inquiry.

You think he'll get into trouble, then?

Get into trouble?

My dear Lofty, it'll be in every
newspaper throughout the world.

The press will have a field day. When
they finish with the sergeant major,

make Attila the Hun look like Godfrey
Wynne.

You can see the headlines now.

British atrocities in Burma.

This could stop us from getting home.

They could want us as witnesses.

We didn't see a thing, did we, fellas?
No, no, no.

Come on, fellas.

I mean, surely the army will cover up
for him. Of course they won't. The

establishment will use him as a
scapegoat.

You mean he might get a prison?

I'll leave him alone. He'll play for
hours.

Well, I feel sorry for him. What are you
talking about? He's made our life hell

for the past year.

Well, I don't think it's fair a load of
foreigners trying to ruin him.

Now, if we pushed him over a cliff or
something, that'll be different.

I've been beaten!

What are you on about? I never touched
you!

I told you I've been beaten by a
scorpion!

Pull the other leg, Johnny!

What do you think this is, you damn
fool?

Brown one, Sergeant Major. They're
deadly.

Right. Get him out of there. Put him in
the officer's washer.

And, Charlie, get me some boiling water.

Bombardier, get me a sharp knife.

And, Graham, get me some field dressing.
Field dressing.

Oh.

Oh.

I'm worn out.

I never thought I'd... Finish up with a
removal man for a load of Burmese. Oh,

they didn't half have a lot of gear for
us to carry.

Oh, that was a nice little village they
built for themselves.

Aye, I reckon we'd did them a favour.

Oh, yes.

They'd have never bothered if we hadn't
chased them out at the point of a

bayonet. Well, let's let you off the
hook, Sir Major. Are you pleased to hear

the reporter's out of hospital?

He's not going to use the story. In
fact, he's dropped the whole thing.

I should think so, sir.

I saved his life.

You should be grateful to him. If he
hadn't dropped the whole thing, you'd

been disgraced and humiliated.

All I had to do for him, sir, was
humiliate him enough.

I wouldn't call it humiliating.

Brave, maybe.

I must say, I wouldn't like to suck
scorpion poison out of somebody's foot.

He didn't tread on that scorpion, sir.

He sat on it.

The voice to entertain you.