All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s08e04_the_last_warrior

Meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and sketches and jokes old
and new with us about you and Bill Blue.

So meet the gang cause the boys are
here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

On the good ship

lollipop, it's a sweet trip to

a candy shop where the bonbons play.

On the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay,
lemonade stands everywhere.

Sugar bowl, do a tootsie roll with a
great big lemon cheesecake.

If you eat too much, oh, oh, you'll
awake with a stomachache. On the good

ship, lollipop, it's nice.

Trip into bed too hot and dream away.

On the good ship, lollipop.

Cut the char while we do notes.

Now, listen, fellas.

I want to put that number in tonight,
and I'm very worried about it.

It isn't gelling.

There's something wrong.

Well, if I may say so, it's an
excruciatingly bad taste.

Bad taste?

Bad taste? What are you talking about?

Well, if my memory serves me right,
Shirley Temple did the number when she

about eight years old.

To put it mildly, Nobby is a little
overdeveloped.

What's it matter, so long as it gets a
laugh?

I think it's quite right it's a very bad
taste.

That's nice, that, isn't it? I mean,
that's the first time in all my years in

show business that anyone's ever accused
me of having bad taste.

No, it isn't. When we did the Battle of
Britain scene, you goosed Winston

Churchill with the Spitfire's propeller.

And that's about... That isn't bad
taste. That's political comment.

Satire.

Well, giving Shirley Temple big boobs
isn't satire.

Very bad taste. Get rid of them.

All right, Gloria.

And you, Parker, you're walking around
in a dream.

You're supposed to be a little,
innocent, fun -loving girl.

There's no reality in your work. You're
not concentrating.

Oh, I'm sorry, Gloria.

He saw this news about a war ending.

That'll never end.

Just because the Yanks have dropped some
secret weapon on the Japs doesn't mean

they're going to give up.

According to their religion, if they die
in battle, they go straight to heaven.

What about all the kamikaze pilots?

Somebody's going to have to winkle them
out of every blast at Foxhole and every

blast at Ireland. Yeah, and then we'll
have to invade Japan. Aye.

We could be out here until we're all
men.

Yeah, we're now tight.

I thought that'd kill myself.

When I came out here, I was a young boy.

Now look at me.

Hard and cynical.

And cruel -toned.

I'm an innocent who's been brutalised by
war.

There's one good thing, sir. We are all
in show business.

Ah, the smell of the grease ball.

Things may look bright and things may
look black, but one thing is certain.

We are in show business and they can't
take away our God -given talent.

There'll be an audience out there
tonight and it is our job, now our

to make them stand on their feet and
cheer.

Come on, fellas, to the top. One more
time.

One, two, three. On the good ship,
lollipop here tonight.

Trip into bed you are and dream away.

What's the matter, Asher? Why have you
stopped?

I'm not feeling very well, sir. Will you
excuse me?

Shall I take those men's names, sir?

Report them to their units.

No, no, no. Leave them alone. This is a
great day in history. The war is over.

We must not let discipline fall apart,
sir. Otherwise we shall have anarchy.

Wake your ideas up!

I must say, you're a fine couple.

We've got peace at last.

Kiramai on top of the world.

There's Ashford stuck in the bushes
because he can't take his liquor.

There's you sitting there like a dying
duck in a thunderstorm. What's the

matter, Sergeant Major? Aren't you glad
the war's over?

Yes, sir.

I don't know if I'm speaking, but
they've won.

No, no, no. We've won. The Japs have
signed a surrender.

I don't mean that. I mean the concert
party's won.

Months and months I've been dying to get
them into action against the Japanese.

Now they've beaten me.

It'll never happen.

I never did understand you, Sergeant
Major.

Almost obsessed with going into action.

It's my job, sir.

I'm a professional soldier.

Ah.

Fennec matter, Asheron?

Yes, sir. For the time being.

It's the last time I take you to a
victory celebration party.

After the next war, I'll go alone.

I think that's a very poor taste. Oh,
no, it's a stuffy Asheron.

Come on, start up. I can't wait to tell
the chaps about the surrender. They'll

be over the moon.

I don't think we should tell them, sir.

What do you mean?

They're sloppy enough as it is, sir.

Discipline will go to pot.

They'll laugh in the face of authority.

And we shall all be impudent.

Come on, give me some stick.

All right, Padders. One, two, three. I'm
the good ship.

Lollipop, it's a night trip into bed,
you pop and dream away.

Right, now, put me back in, put me down,
put me down!

Forget all about the good ship Lollipop.

Stand still!

It's got time!

The men have fallen in, sir, but I do
not think it's a good time. Stand at

Right, now, pay attention, chaps, I've
got some wonderful news for you.

Yesterday, at 0900 hours, on board the
battleship FF Maturi, the Japanese

surrendered unconditionally.

Sergeant Major.

Now, I dare say you don't like to
celebrate, and I'm happy to be able to

you, Captain Ashwood and I have managed
to obtain five cans of beer, one tin of

sliced peaches and heavy syrup, two tins
of evaporated milk, and four bars of

chocolate.

And to mark this occasion, you will all
be given a 24 -hour pass.

But of course, there's nowhere to go.

On the other hand, you can all sleep
safely in your beds, knowing there are

Japs around.

Does that mean we won't have to do
guards? duty.

If you ask to stand guard, this is a
military outpost. And while that flag is

flying, there will be a guard on the
gate.

Parades will be as usual. Boots will be
polished.

Cap badges will be shined.

And now, there is no need for camouflage
from the hair.

I want all stones whitewashed until
there's gleaming, gleaming, gleaming!

Right.

What time did that come in?

take us to the boat.

Yeah, who are you talking about?

Well, the boat that's taking us home.
And I've got to send a telegram to my

agent. I might be in time to book myself
a pantomime.

Yes, darling, my dear!

You is not going nowhere, not never!

Now, look,

I think you'd rather jump the gun there,
Beaumont. And don't forget you've got a

show to do tonight.

Yeah, don't forget the new number,
Gloria.

That's right, sir. We'll give the boys a
show to remember.

We'll put in all the best items.

Oh, what a night it'll be.

We'll call it the Victory Gala Night.
Yes, and at the end, we'll get the whole

audience to stand and sing Land of Hope
and Glory.

Land of hope and glory.

Mother of the free.

Nice hot cup of tea, Sergeant Major.

Thanks, Mohammed.

Why are you looking so unhappy, Sergeant
Major?

Tonight, we British should be very
proud.

War is over.

We have beaten Japanese.

Now we can start to build brave new
world with welfare state, isn't it?

You know what the word frustration
means, Charwala?

Oh, yes.

It is what they do to pussycats.

Frustration is when you are stopped from
something you wanted to do.

Is this not what they do to pussycats?

I wanted to take that concert party into
action against the Japs.

While the war was on, there was a
chance.

Now there's no hope.

Them puffs have beaten me.

They're very silly, you know.

They don't know what they missed.

Once they got the taste of danger,
they'd have loved it, I know they would.

And I could have shown them the way.

Sir,

you can't be back from the show already.

Anyone about?

Over here, sir.

Ah, Sir Major.

My name's Parkinson, GHQ. I say, have
you got any water? My radiator's boiled

up. No, certainly, sir. Chow on the
chatty -a -panny jolly.

You fancy a cup of tea, sir?

Oh, thank you.

Let me know when you're ready to move,
Corporal.

Gosh,

what a day it's been.

I don't mind, sir.

Tomorrow we'll have them behaving like
normal soldiers again.

I've been rushed off my feet. There are
odd little Japs popping out of the

woodwork all over the place.

And I've been accepting their surrender.

Why'd they pick on you, sir?

I'm one of those rare birds who speak
Japanese.

Well, I suspect the Japs will be glad
it's all over as well, sir.

Some of them take a bit of convincing,
and it's a pretty bitter pill for them

swallow.

Quite a few of them would rather commit
hara -kiri than surrender.

One of the little baskets thinks it's a
trick.

He's dug in on an island upriver, and I
can't make him listen to reason.

He just won't believe the war's over.

Why are you leaving that to starve, sir?

He's got a clear line of fire.

None of our transport can get up or down
the river.

Not only that, somebody might get hurt.

I'm just on my way to HQ to get some
troops to flush him out.

Just about ready to go, sir.

Oh, well, let him be moving.

Just a moment, sir.

Did you say you wanted some men to flush
this chap out?

That's right. We can't parley with him
any longer. We shall have to use force.

There's no need to get any men from GHQ,
sir.

It so happens I was in charge of the
toughest jungle fighters between here

Kohima.

Where are they?

They're out doing a show, sir.

Show? Yeah, they're showing the troops
how to be tough jungle fighters, sir.

They give demonstrations.

Who's the FTO?

Colonel Reynolds, sir.

Tiger Reynolds.

Just his cup of tea, sir. He's always
itching for a scrap.

And his second -in -command, Captain
Blood and Guts Ashwood.

He's a lean, wiry intellectual, sir.

You know the type.

D .H. Lawrence of Arabia.

We'll do this for you, sir.

I'm glad of the chance.

Well, that's a weight off my mind.

Corporal, get on the radio. Tell HQ we
shan't need any men after all.

Colonel Reynolds has volunteered for the
task.

Very good, sir.

Now, here's the map.

I'll meet you and your men here on the
riverbank at 0800 hours tomorrow

And don't expect it to be easy.

The man's a fanatic.

We can handle him, sir.

be happy as all ever. I'm happy.

I'm thinking about Fiona.

Who's Fiona?

My wife.

Oh, yes, of course.

She lives in Richmond.

Yeah, well, that is rather sad, isn't
it?

Hooray!

Yeah, tonight I'm going to sleep in the
dust.

For the first time in years, I've been
secured in the knowledge that no one's

going to drop a bomb on me or stick
anything nasty into me.

They're so happy, rolling over in the
clover.

Just think, tomorrow they'll be crawling
in the jungle.

It will be a bitter blow when they find
out they're going to be heroes.

Don't you breathe a word of this,
Charwala.

I was going to tell them in my own time
and in my own way.

It was marvellous tonight. It was
marvellous. It was the best show we've

done. When I did the number in my pink
frock and I sang Mad About the Boy, I

to take two on course.

You should have seen my ventriloquist,
sir. I did the ABC drinking a glass of

water four times.

They asked me to do it again, but I was
in the bushes.

Well done, that strong man, Actie. I
tore two full telephone directories in

half, but they were still screaming for
more, so I started on the chairs.

and dragged him off.

He didn't touch the piano!

I was still looking for a good finish,
so I tore up my trousers!

They wouldn't have noticed if I'd been
playing in boxing gloves, but I just

didn't care.

I was euphoric. My singing went quite
well and all.

Shut up.

You should have been there, Sergeant
Major. At the end, we all sang Land of

and Glory. It was wonderful.

All right, fellas, chow round.

My treat.

This is the first night in two years I
sleep peacefully in my bed.

No more jacks to worry about.

Would you care to join us for a
nightcap, sir?

That's very kind of you, sir.

Good. Ashford, let's open that tin of
football away for a bit.

Why not, sir? What the hell?

When shall we have a ballet tomorrow?

Well, let's give the chaps a bit of a
treat. Shall we make it ten o 'clock?

right, then. Is that all right with you,
sir?

No, I think we should make it a bit
earlier than that, sir. Oh, really? Why?

Well, we'll have to make it earlier if
we're going to be there by 8 o 'clock.

Beware by 8 o 'clock.

The riverbank, sir.

There's a little job they want us to do.

Who on earth wants to show it that time
of the morning?

The Japanese, sir.

They want us to do a show for the
Japanese?

I'll see them dead first.

Funny you should say that, sir.

We'll come to that in the end.

What on earth are you talking about,
Sergeant Major?

There's this fantastical job, sir.

He's holding out on an island, and he
won't give in.

He's making a laughing stock of the old
British Army. So this Major Parkinson

wanted somebody to sort him out, and I
volunteered on your behalf.

How dare you, Sergeant Major.

No business to do that. Cancel it at
once.

I was a bit late for that, sir. See,
there's always already told GHQ that

Colonel Reynolds... Has volunteered?

Oh, I know I was taking a bit of a
liberty, sir, but how do you mean here?

I know you would have volunteered, sir,
wouldn't you?

Well, yes, in normal circumstances, yes,
but the fact is I've been having these

headaches lately.

This shoulder's been playing me up a
bit.

And to lead an expedition like this in
anything but tip -top condition, well,

wouldn't be fair on the men.

I'll do all the leading, sir.

What are the men going to say?

Leave them to me, sir.

I will break it to them, gently.

Is it draft?

That's just what I was thinking, sir.

What on earth are we going to do?

Think, man, think.

It's a bit of a tricky one, sir. You're
telling me.

Couldn't we creep away in the night and
pretend we didn't get the message?

No, no, no.

Sergeant Major will sneak on us. Of
course.

We kill the sergeant major.

Put his body in a sack, weigh it down
with a rock and chuck him in the river.

You're on the right line.

I don't think we ought to go quite as
far as murder.

Why not? It's him or us.

By George, I'm seeing a different side
to you tonight.

I'm desperate when I'm roused.

All right, then, I'll tell you what we
do.

You go to GHQ, find that major.

and talk him into taking you down to the
river as soon as it's light. Then when

you get there, persuade that Jap the war
is over, and he's got to give in.

Tell him anything you like.

Offer him money.

By the time we get there at 8 o 'clock,
I want the whole thing cleared up.

I don't think I can do that, sir. Yes,
yes, you can.

You're very, very persuasive.

Not only that, it's an order.

Yes, sir.

Right. Now, what was the name of that
major?

I'll ask the top major. No, no, no.

Wait a minute. It's something to do with
humbugs.

Major humbug. No, no.

Associated with humbugs.

Mint. Major mint. No, no, no.

Old -fashioned.

No, no, no.

I've got it.

Parkinson. Major Parkinson.

Right, off you go.

What was that?

I think Sergeant Major's just broken it
gently to the men.

See you on the riverbank.

Eight o 'clock.

I think we should debus here, sir.

The river's about 50 yards ahead.

Yes. Do that, Sergeant.

Right, lovely boys.

Out you get.

Keep your bodies down.

And your heads lower still.

Form up the sides.

And suck it.

Bombardier, where did you go in?

The enemy is over here.

I can't believe it.

I'll wake up in a minute.

That'll be the one, sir.

It's very quiet.

He's probably gone home.

Let us go home, eh?

Shut up!

There's a jet flag flying on a little
pole.

He's still there, all right.

This is what I suggest, sir.

Candle Atlas gives covering machine
gunfire from the flank.

We use the two -inch mortar to put down
smoke grenades upwind. As soon as that

drifts down, Clark, Graham, the
bombardier and myself swim across under

covering fire.

You're going with the bayonet.

Any questions?

Can we have a cup of tea, please?

Shut up!

If there's only one thing, Captain
Ashford should be here.

Perhaps he's been delayed, sir.

I've never known Ashford late.

If he says he's going to be somewhere at
eight o 'clock, he's there at eight o

'clock. According to my watch, it's
eight o 'clock now.

Hello? Anyone there?

What can I tell you? Bang on top!

Where? On the island.

Fantastic. He's cleared the whole thing
up. Well done, Ashwood. You talked him

into it. Have you taken him, prisoner?

Not exactly, sir.

He said he was giving in, and we came
over to get him, and it turned out he's

absolute thipper.

No, no,

we can't. We might kill Ashwood.

I'll soon show that job where he gets
off.

A British army you is dealing with!

And we has won and you has lost!

A thought has just occurred to me,
Samson.

He's probably a simple -minded peasant.
Certainly Japanese soldiers are. But if

somebody very important told him that
the war was over, then he might believe

it. If somebody very important... It may
have escaped your notice, Mr. Lardy

Dark, but there's nobody of any
importance here.

What are you driving at, Graham?

Well, we've still got all our costumes
from last night on the truck.

We might be able to fool them.

You're right. Bombardier, have you got a
Japanese general's outfit?

No.

We've got Napoleon.

You might listen to him.

He's dead.

How about Jessica Basitla?

He's dead and all, you burk. See?

That's what he told me.

Wait a minute.

I've got it.

The Battle of Britain number.

Do you know your piece?

How did it go?

I think he's a socialist.

For God's sake, do something to calm him
down before he kills us.

Quick, Bombardier, what have you got?

Let's think.

There's the Cockney number.

Cowboy. French.

Dutch.

We're making progress.

What did he say?

Well, I don't know how to put this.

Stay where you are, chaps.

Do you think he wants an uncle?

I don't quite know how to put this, sir.

He says he'll surrender.

On one condition.

He wants the little one in the middle to
come out. and spend an hour of

interpret with him.

I see.

I don't care, Gunner Stockton. I
wouldn't ask you to do anything I

myself.

Unfortunately, your costume wouldn't fit
me.

They can let it out.

Shut up.

You've got nothing to worry about, lofty
boy.

When you's crossing the river in the
boat, I shall swim round behind.

And when he gets there, you will
distract his attention and I'll grab

What happens if you're a bit late?

In that case, Lofty Boy, when your
children say to you, what did you do in

war, Daddy?

You can say, wait till you grow up and
I'll tell you.

The voice to entertain you.