All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s08e03_aquastars

Meet the gang cause the boys are here.
The boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way. To raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and sketches and jokes all
anew. With us about you and Phil Blue.

meet the gang cause the boys are here.
The boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S.

Boys to entertain you.

Are you nearly ready?

Well, I'm just waiting for Ted to start
the jetty.

Right, Ted, give me the gun.

That's it.

Oh, here's a list of what we're showing.

I'll go and tell the article.

Yeah, well, don't forget there'll be
quite a few intervals because I have to

change the reels. Right.

We'll be long, fella.

Oh, I can't wait to see Dick Powell and
Ruby Keeler.

We're ready, Connor Reynolds.

What's the programme?

Well, we start off with a newsreel, then
a Donald Duck, and then a Fitzpatrick

travelogue. It's called...

Burma, the evergreen paradise of the
Orient.

Big film.

Oh, it's wonderful.

Footlights Parade of 1933, starring
Jimmy Cadney, Dick Powell and Ruby

A bit ancient, isn't it? No, there
wasn't much choice, sir. When I had the

notification from the Army Kinema Unit,
it was either that or the battleship

Potomkin.

And I didn't think a lot of Russian
sailors having mutinies and shooting

officers would have a very good effect
on the men.

I can't understand Eisenhower being
associated with it, sir.

I think you'd better have a word with
the men before we start.

I don't want any oafish behaviour.

You know, they make kissing noises
during the love scenes.

Spoils the atmosphere.

Very well, sir.

Thank you.

Right. Now, pay attention.

The army cinema unit has come a long way
to give us a show.

So you will behave yourselves.

I don't want any comedians making
rightful remarks.

cut holes, or holding up your hands and
making rubbish on the screen.

Carry on, Torvald.

Are you in the way of the screen?

This is the government British news
presenting the truth to the free people

of the world.

After more than five years of blood,
sweat, and tears, the armies of Great

Britain and the Empire are celebrating
the victory in Europe.

with a parade through the heart of the
Nazi lair, Berlin.

They're all here.

Those desert rats, the 8th Army, who
stormed their way from Alamein to Rome.

The RAF, who showed Adolf what blitz
really means.

The Navy, who showed that Britannia
still rules the waves. The men from the

Empire, the Anzacs, Canadians,
Rhodesians. Yes, they're all here.

Red Indians from Canada, ordinary
Indians from India.

All together to celebrate this hour of
crime.

The Americans are here as well.

Meanwhile, back in dear old London town,
the lights are on, the flags are

waving, and the bands are playing.

The people are simply jumping for joy.
It's all over by the shouting, and

they're doing plenty of that now.

There's no order right here, pal.

Now I want you shut up!

They're really making a night of it.

Every Tommy Atkins and Jolly Jack star
has a girl on each arm, and there are

plenty more to share in the fun. Yeah,
you want to send some over here, mate?

Of course, there is still a little
matter to be settled in the Far East,

know the lads out there can take care of
that.

How about coming out here and giving us
a hug?

I won't tell you again! Shut up!

This is a bit ancient. V -Day was ages
ago. Please be quiet, sir.

My wife was in Trafalgar Square that
night. I've tried to spot her.

That isn't her, is it?

Certainly not.

Blow harder, Arsene. I must have the two
ladies for the next interval.

Oh, look.

What heavenly enchantment. All those
beautiful ladies swimming in the

waterfall.

It's magic.

sheer, sheer magic.

I don't agree. They're making him sing
too hard. He's not a proper tenor, and

his gestures are not very expressive.

If I had a load of girls swimming round
me, my gestures would be expressive.

Of course, musically speaking, it's
absolute rubbish.

And the harmonies are so bland.

It's just one phrase repeated over and
over again.

La -di -da -di -da, la -di -da -di -da.

There's no changing huts and no towels.

And where's the sandwiches and thermos
flasks?

They don't have sandwiches and thermos
flasks in Hollywood, you great burk.

all champagne and caviar, isn't it?
Where do they put it?

It was the same in that film Top Hat,
when they danced the piccolino. There

wasn't a pickle inside.

Hurry up, Othin.

Watching all that water will make them
feel thirsty.

Transport waiting in the road.

What's the matter, Gloria?

It's so frustrating.

I'm just as creative as that Busby
Barclay.

But I haven't got the backup.

He can have anything he wants in
Hollywood.

200 girls.

Huge waterfalls.

Big orchestras. And what have I got?

Him on the piano and you lot with
balloons stuck in your brows.

Chime what's up?

Chime what?

That just about sums it up.

I'm going to bed.

You ought to be in pictures.

You're wonderful to see.

Anything interesting in the order, sir?

The Corps Commander is visiting this
area Thursday week.

Is he coming to see us? No, they're
giving him lunch at GHQ.

Are we invited?

I am. I'm afraid you're not.

It's Colonel's office.

Well, the rotten lunch is at GHQ anyway.

You're mad, Gloria. You've been out in
the sun too long without your hat. It's

the most stupid idea I've ever heard.

Don't you call me stupid. You're going
to be struck butch hairy haggis. Oh,

up, wasn't he watching? I'd wipe the
floor with you. Help!

Perhaps we'd better find out what's
going on, Sergeant Major. I quite agree,

sir. I was reading a pamphlet on man
management the other day, and apparently

the chaps like to be talked to in their
own language.

It makes them feel part of the team. It
gives them the idea that what they think

actually matters.

You mean officers should give the
impression they really care?

Exactly, sir.

On the other hand, sir, I could dubber
them round the camp a dozen times.

Then they wouldn't care whether you
cared or not.

I think Captain Ashford is right. We'll
go over and have a chat with him and try

and look a little more caring, Sergeant
Major.

You open the conversation, will you,
Ashford?

Sergeant!

I'll make it very informal and relaxed.

Right, there it is, chaps.

Just come over for an informal chat.

Right, off you go, Ashford.

Lively. Still in the cruise.

That picture last night was a bit of all
right.

I don't think you're getting through to
them.

Now, try again, will you?

I bet if some of you could have got your
hands on that Ruby Keeler, you wouldn't

half have given her one.

A kiss, I mean.

What the officer's trying to say is,
what the hell's the matter with you

You're like a load of pork chops at a
Jewish funeral.

You see, it's like this, Sergeant Major.
You see, we've had a slight

disagreement because I've got this
fantastic idea.

Well, tell us what this idea is and we
may be able to help you.

I want you to know, as your colonel, I
care.

And Captain Ashford cares too.

Yes. So spit it out, Bomberdeer, or I'll
have you on a fissure.

You see, it's like this, Sergeant Major.

You know that film we saw last night and
it had that number in it, By a

Waterfall? Well...

I think we could put it in the show.

The only problem is, sir, as we pointed
out to Bombardier Beaumont, we haven't

got 200 girls, we haven't got a
waterfall, and although I regard myself

mean musician, I cannot make that
ghastly piano sound like a hundred

orchestra.

A hundred -piece orchestra?

Let me tell you, Mr. Lauderdale, Colonel
Graham, you cannot even make that

ghastly piano sound like a ghastly
piano.

I do take your point, Colonel Graham,
but nothing is impossible.

No problem is insurmountable.

I mean, take the case of a little Dutch
boy who saw water coming out of a hole

in the dike.

Now, that was the problem.

And what did he do about it? He stuck
his finger in it.

You may say to yourselves, if we'd seen
a hole in the dike, we'd have stuck

something in it too.

But would you?

The point is, the little Dutch boy was
there with his finger at the ready, and

he used it.

Don't you agree, Ash? Oh, absolutely,
sir.

Let's take the problems one by one.
First, the 200 girls.

We haven't got 200 girls, so let's
forget it.

You're quite right, sir.

When you tattle, is it logical? Your
problems just melt away.

Next, the waterfall.

Is that where the little Dutch boy comes
in?

We've passed him! Shut up!

Here, I know how we can make a
waterfall, sir. We get a load of gas

stick them together.

Then we get a few buckets of water and
have it dribbling down them.

Did you hear that, sir?

Gallop Parkins has done it again.

He's put his finger right in the oar.

If we got a firehouse and a pump, we
could have a jolly good waterfall.

And where are we going to get the water?

The river's half a mile away.

Listen, I've got it. This is fantastic.

Why don't we do the show on the water
that they do at Starborough?

I can see it now.

The audience will be on the riverbank
and we'll be on a raft and the moon will

be shining behind us.

and Lofty's voice had come wafting over
the water.

Aye, we're the frogs.

And we'll call ourselves the Water
Concert Party.

Yes, the WCP.

Still, Constance, I have an even better
idea. Why not do that by a waterfall

number by the real waterfall, which is
further down the river?

Shut up.

How dare you interrupt?

Go crouched by your charon.

That's not a bad idea, sir. Why can't we
do it by the real waterfall?

Excuse me, sir. Well, if we do the show
by the real waterfall, the audience,

they won't be able to hear anything. The
sound of the water crashing down, it'll

drown out our voices.

Maybe the shower is not a bad idea after
all, sir.

Thank you, Gunner Clark. That was very
bright of you.

Don't mention it, sir.

I think we'd better stick to doing it on
the river.

You know, this is the most exciting idea
I've heard this war.

I'm going to put everything into it.

I'm going to get in touch with the
engineers, and they'll cooperate with

And the people will come from miles
around, and you, Ashford, will

the whole thing.

I want us to be one people, regardless
of rank, class, creed, or status.

And I'll be the producer.

All ready to run the bio

-waterfall number now, sir. Splendid.

Right, Bobbitt here.

Explain to the Colonel how it all works.
My positions, everybody.

Right, sir. You are the audience,
sitting on the bank of the river.

Right. I want you to imagine that where
I'm standing, it's all water. And here

is a raft with a stage on it.

And I'm in charge of the stage, sir.
Yes, he's in charge of the stage.

And over here, connected by a plank, is
the dressing room raft where we all

change.

I'm over here on the riverbank, sir, in
charge of the whole operation.

I'm in touch by radio.

with the song major and with the
pianist. I'm over here, sir, on another

He's over there on another raft.

A little one.

Nosher's standing on stage, finishing
his paper -tearing act. Right, Nosher?

Music.

Hey, mother!

The curtains close.

I'm closing the curtains, sir.

You won't see him going back to the
corner, you see, because the curtains

closed. Then he tells controls.

Control, curtains are closed.

Over to you, Captain Ashford.

Thank you, stage.

Go, piano.

Piano, going.

Now, Lofty is over there, out of sight,
in a gondola.

He sings the first verse as he comes
into view.

And the moon is shining about him, and
the evening mist is wafting across the

water.

The royal engineers are letting us have
some smoke canisters.

Aspen is in charge of the evening mist
club.

As he thinks the birds, the boys are
changing into bathing bells and

I'm on the dressing room raft, sir.

You're that, sir. Get a part in his
dressing room raft.

Right, and the moon is on the water. And
the boys are crossing from the dressing

room, Ralph, and getting into position.

The mist is wafting across.

And as he reaches the steps, he sings
the first verse.

Then Gunnar Graham plays an eight -bar
bridge.

The curtains open, and I come forward in
this lovely diaphanous dress.

Then Lofty gets out of the boat. Listen
to that bit.

I'm walking the curtains, all right?

I'm crossing over to help him.

I'm getting out the gondola.

Then he sings the chorus and I do this
lovely romantic dance.

During this, sir, I will signal to the
charwater who is working the pump in the

dressing room raft.

Now, when he turns the relevant valve,
water from the river goes through the

oars which is attached to the back of
the waterfall, thus motivating the

You will notice, sir, that he has a
piece of rope attached to his person.

An eye is only the other end.

I've worked out a few simple signals
that even a thicket like him can

understand.

We each have a list.

One pull, turn on pump.

One pull, turn on pump.

Two pulls, start water.

Two pulls, start water.

Three pulls, more water.

Three pulls, more water.

Four pulls, less water.

Four pulls, less water.

Five pulls... Stop!

Join this chorus.

Flares on little floats will be carried
gently across the front of the stage by

the currents.

I'm Flare Man!

Yes.

Over to you, Captain Ashwood.

Go!

Williams on stage.

Captain Ashwood on the controls.

Traveller and Puff.

Graham on piano.

Arsene on mist and lights.

And last, but by no means least, Colonel
Reynolds.

I made the whole thing possible.

Congratulations to you all. It's the
best

Now, look, I've got one or two little
points here.

Firstly, the gunner's sergeant didn't
tie up the gondola.

Now, if he doesn't do that, it'll drift
off the down river and be smashed to

pieces on the real waterway.

Good point.

Next, if we're not careful, Sergeant
Major will be seen by the audience.

I thought of that. He will be covered
from head to foot in black.

Oh, you thought of everything. I'm
overwhelmed.

It's completely breathtaking.

Oh, Ashford, I've got an idea.

You know that lunch party I've got to
attend at GHQ on Thursday?

Well, I'm going to invite all the high
-ranking officers back here to see the

dress rehearsal.

It'll be daylight.

There'll be no magic. No, it's the
organisation I want them to see. It'll

to the military minds of all these
generals and air marshals. Carry on.

done.

Are you ready, fellas?

Everything all right?

Bump is standing by, sir.

Good luck, fellas.

Good luck.

Atlas, what do mermaids do?

If you're half a fish, there's not a lot
you can do.

We're all ready to start the finale,
sir, as soon as you say go.

Carry on, sir.

Give your instructions through this to
me at the control

post.

Over there.

I'm in touch with the pianist over there
and the sergeant major on the stage.

He's in touch with the pup.

Right.

Why is that sergeant major dressed like
Max

Wall?

I'm glad you raised that point, sir.
It's so the audience can't see it. You

remember all this takes place at night.
So just ignore everything except what

happens on stage.

Control to stage. Control to stage.

Go, lace tablecloth.

Stage here.

Lace tablecloth. Going now.

Get on with it.

Go, piano.

Piano going.

Hey, mother!

Why is that man holding up that dirty
old piece of torn newspaper?

Supposed to be a lace tablecloth, sir.

Hello? Control to piano, go introduction
to waterfall.

Go gondola.

You didn't warn me, I'm not in it.

Hello, control to piano, not quite
ready. Play the introduction again.

I'm stuck in the mud.

Here, give it a shot.

Hello, hello, control to piano, he's
stuck.

Keep playing the introduction.

I'm sinking. It's filling with water.

Turn on fast before you sink.

How do you make the water net from the
mermaids to be here by now?

Come on, move yourself. You should be on
stage. What's the matter with you?

I appreciate the simple things because
I'm only fond of getting

love.

Hurry up, fellas.

I'm not going to get across.

I can't even move my feet.

There's some troubles by the gills.

Here, Sergeant Major, they can't get
across.

Stage to control. We're in a bit of
trouble by here, sir. We can't get the

mermaids across.

Hello? Control to piano.

Play the verse again.

I appreciate the simple things because
I'm always fond of getting

love in a natural setting.

This is what I call the simple things.

Just one.

Hurry up, Sergeant Major. Open the
curtain.

Looks more like a pea soup, huh?

I don't want to fall with you.

I don't want to fall with you.

Video, control to stage.

Start pump.

Station.

I'm not smoking, sir.

Put them out, you fool.

Hello? Control the stage.

That pump is making a hell of a noise.

Turn it to quietness.

This is where the waterfall starts.

Hello? Control to stage.

Go waterfall.

Stage to control in. Waterfall going.

Dark water. Two folks.

Dark water.

Dark water.

Dear Atlas,

where's this water supposed to go?

where most of it's going.

Is that the great big waterfall we've
been hearing so much about?

Yes. Pathetic.

I could do better than that on half a
pint.

That waterfall is pathetic.

I quite agree, sir.

Hello, control the stage.

That waterfall is pathetic.