All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s08e01_gloria_s_finest_hour

Meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and sketches and jokes on a
new, with us about you and Bill Blue. So

meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

eyes open, Martin Tosh. You see any sign
of that supply truck? Give us a stand,

too. They may need covering fire.

That doesn't matter.

Damn motors open up again.

I can't stand this much longer.

Oh, yeah!

Come out here!

Move yourself!

Now pull yourself together and do not
get historical.

I don't know. I just hate bangs.

Even when I was a kid, I wouldn't even
pull Christmas crackers.

I've got GHQ coming through now, sir.

Hello, Sunray. Hello, Sunray. Colonel
Reynolds here, Royal Archery Concert

Party. We haven't had any food supply
through for over a week. Things are

getting a bit short.

Sorry we can't get through. A small
isolated section of Japs are keeping the

road under constant mortar fire.

That just isn't good enough. We haven't
had anything proper to eat for over a

week. I'm not diverting fighting troops
to deal with a handful of Japs just

because you're feeling a bit peckish.
Over and out.

I never knew.

callous behaviour.

They just don't care.

Why don't we go out and deal with them
chaps? There's only a few of them.

Are you mad?

They might get killed.

I can't stand it. It's too much for
Stanley. It's quite understandable. You

should react in an emotional way like
that.

And I admire you for it. I really do.

But on the other hand, I do think we
ought to weigh up the pros and cons

very carefully.

Don't you, Ashwin? Oh, yes, sir. Very
carefully, indeed. I mean, let us look

the whole position.

Just because we're a bit hungry, would
you, Sergeant May, take the risk of any

one of our chaps being harmed?

Oh, yes, sir. There's going to be...
There's a formative.

Well, there's two or three of them, sir.

I'll just put it to them, sir.

Right -o, boys.

Now, pay attention. Listen to me.

Now, then.

Are you hungry?

Yes. Are you very hungry?

Yes. Do you think something should be
done about it? Yes.

Do you think them Japs need teaching a
lesson?

Yes. Are you coming with me to wipe them
out?

No.

Thank you, Colonel.

That doesn't look at all bad.

What are the others, Harry?

That's for everyone, Colonel.

Shall I share it out, sir? Yes, I think
perhaps you'd better.

Now then, there's one, two, three, four,
five sardines.

And ten of us, five into ten goes two.

That's half a sardine each, Sergeant
Major.

Did you hear that, sir?

The boy has done the sum already.

Very alert soldier, sir.

Who gets the bones?

Officers and NCOs.

What about the charwaller and the cook,
Sergeant Major?

Shut up.

I'm sorry, Sergeant Major, they're
entitled to their share, so I'm afraid

twelve and not ten.

It's twelve and not ten.

Major, Mr. Lardy Dark, I'll agree, and
they do not have none, because five and

twelve do not go.

Steady on, Sergeant Major. We've got a
Labour government now.

They make a fuss about all sorts of
things, you know.

I have it.

Why don't we give the natives the bones?

Good idea. The good old British
compromise. We'll give them the bones.

We're going to give you the bones.

You are most kind, Colonel Sub.

A beautiful man.

Now, how are we going to divide out the
baked beef?

Give us ten each and see what's left
over, like.

Excuse fingers.

While you're doing that, I'll count out
the rice. Thank you, sir.

Steady on, Ashwood. Don't waste them.
That last grain went off the table.

Don't put it back.

So dusty.

Please yourself.

Indeed, Bombardier, do that. I want to
have a weebley.

I'm afraid there's nothing else for it.
Things are getting very desperate.

We'll have to break into the cocktail
snacks.

Surely not. Yes, I'm afraid so.

The bottle of maraschino cherries, the
tin of football wafers, and the bottle

miniature gherkins.

Supposing somebody drops in for drinks?

It's the chance we have to take. Go and
get the cocktail snacks.

All right.

But I tell you this, sir, those Japanese
have got a lot to answer for.

Oh, this is very bad for business, I
think.

I cannot sell chow with no milk or
sugar.

And I have no cake eat.

And I'm so hungry.

You know, in China, when I was a small
boy, father taught me many ancient

Chinese proverbs.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

Oh,

so let's look.

It's Fred.

He's the only chicken we got left. What
are we going to do with him, eh?

I think we should make a soup of him.
It'll go further.

There's not much meat on the breast.

That's not a breast. The breast
underneath.

It goes on the top when my father carves
it.

I suppose it's dead. It's lying like
that on the plate.

When it's walking about, it's like that.

Who's going to kill it? We can't kill
Fred.

He crawled and woke us up when that
loose waller got into the camp and tried

steal all our gear.

Now, he's been here as long as we have.

And he eats all the nasty, creepy
crawlies.

He's quite good company for chicken.

I think you'd all be in a mouthful and
illogical. Chop his head off and put him

in the pot. Now, wait a minute.

Let's have a vote on it. Now, who's in
favour of eating Fred?

I am.

All right, let him go.

There you go, Fred.

We saved your life there, old thumb.

That leaves us with a thong in our heart
and an ache in our stomach.

Bob, I know where there is a palm tree
full of ripe coconut.

They're very nutritious and totally
delicious.

Why didn't you tell us before, you bird?

I'll go and check the corner. We'll go
and get them first thing in the morning.

Keep on your toes.

There might be Japs and Ivers about.

There are the beautiful coconuts.

Oh, look at that, fellas.

Eight lovely coconuts.

Are we going to get them down, sir?

Yes.

How are we going to get them down?

Well, sir, we could... We could...

It's a tricky one, sir.

I could shoot him down, sir.

We can't do that, Sergeant Major.

The chaps might hear us.

Shut up!

I'm not afraid of a handful of free
-bitten, slant -eyed nips. I think we're

a very good point.

I mean, Asher, I would love to have a
scrap, wouldn't we, Asher? Of course. Of

course, but we haven't actually been
authorised by GHQ to flush out these

have we? No.

Apart from which, we might get holes in
the nuts.

We don't want holes in our nuts.

Excuse me, sir.

In the Solomon Islands, the natives just
shin up 60 or 70 feet, twist off the

coconuts, and then shin down again.

Don't look at me, sir.

I'm a different sort of native.

If we can't get up to the nuts, we could
bring them to us.

We could cut down a tree.

Did you hear that, sir?

I've done it again.

You haven't got a saw, sir.

Well, you must admit the principal was
right, sir.

You're talking absolute rubbish, aren't
you?

The boy's a blithering idiot.

We must not discourage him, sir.

He might not never make another
suggestion.

Damn good job, too.

Why don't we blow it down?

We haven't got enough proof.

I'm talking about explosives.

If we empty all the powder out of our
ammunition, wrap it in some cloth and

tie it round the tree, like a poultice.

Aye, then we can pack it round with mud.

Precisely. This would cause the
explosion to go inwards.

We need a fuse, like the cowboy films
when they bust into a bank.

Yes. Have you got a thunder flash,
Sergeant Major?

Have you got a thunder flash, Sergeant
Major?

I've heard such a load of twatting all
my life.

They're all blithering idiots, aren't
they, sir?

No. I think it's a good idea.

I should do the trick.

Perfect.

Right, you'd better take cover. It's
very little danger, sir. With all that

on it, the force of the explosion will
go inwards.

Not you, Sugden.

You volunteered to light the fuse.

Now, you take one of these matches,
light the fuse, and when it starts

walk away.

Slowly.

Can I light it now?

Not now.

I will tell you when.

Now.

It's fizzing.

Walk away, slowly and calmly.

Right, get your heads down.

I keep telling you, Sergeant Major, the
mud will force the explosion inwards.

It's elementary physics.

Graham has been to Cambridge, you know.
Do give him credit for some

intelligence.

Graham, where did you get your degree
in?

English literature, sir.

The sooner we get back to the camp, the
better.

You're scared of your own shadow, you.

I can't help it.

I get the feeling there are Japanese
eyes looking at me from behind every

All right.

Slide the knife on, Sergeant Major.

Come on and lift.

Sergeant Major, I've put my foot on the
end.

Parkinson's put his foot on the end,
sir, of his own volution.

Lift. Now, steady now.

Lift.

Steady. Now, steady. Don't rush it.
Steady.

There you go. Hold it up a bit. Up a
bit. Straight up. That's it. Steady.

Hold it. Hold it.

Hold it.

Now then. Right. Wait. Wait. Lift.

Saw.

We've done it!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

There's one still up next room.

Coconut's a bit oily, sir.

You're always complaining.

If we had smoked salmon caviar, you'd
grumble it was too fishy.

Excuse me, sir.

I've got a message from GHQ.

They said they can't send an MO as the
road's still under mortar fire.

How is Burma, Graham?

He's still sleeping, sir.

Did he come round again?

Yes, he woke up once last night, called
me a blithering idiot and then went back

to sleep.

Sounds encouraging.

I think there's very little damage being
done, sir. His pupils and his pulse are

still quite normal.

I'm glad something is.

There is a slight contusion on the upper
cranium.

Oh, a slight confusion of the upper
cranium?

I had one of them, the wheels fell off.

Talk English, Mr Lardy Dog, I'll agree.

He's got a bump on his head.

I think he's swinging the lead, sir. Oh,
come now, soft beater. The token up.

cracked open on his head.

Shall I put him on a charge for wasting
the milk?

No, no, no. Let him sleep.

Excuse me, Colonel Slough.

I think we'd like to know how you want
the coconut cooked for lunch.

Has he any suggestions?

I'll give you a little tip, Ashford.
Never ask a Chinese cook if he's got any

suggestions.

We'll let you know.

Beg your pardon, sir.

We've got to get some fresh meat.

I was talking to Gunner Graham and he
was explaining to me...

that we's not getting enough calories.

It seems all we is eating, sir, is a lot
of carbohydrates.

Or enough prostrates.

I think what Gunner Graham says is very
true.

You know, sir, this jungle is absolutely
teeming with life.

I mean, there must be something in it we
can eat. Yes, you're right. Do you

remember a couple of weeks ago we came
across that old boar?

The brigadier, sir.

I need him, sir.

It's against King's regulation.

Do be serious, Salmedo.

But we know there's wild pig about.
You're a good shot, and Ashwood and I

the stalking.

What about the Japanese, sir? Oh, we'll
stalk in the opposite direction.

It's all right with me, sir. I'll get
some rifles.

Oh,

I hope they come back with something
nice, fellas.

Oh, just imagine, eh?

Roast pork and crackling.

All brown and sizzling.

With coconut.

Oh, Gloria's wakened up.

I bet he's got a headache.

How are you feeling, Gloria?

Hey, Gloria, you should have kept your
wig on.

My name is Beaumont.

I'm a bombardier in the Royal Artillery.

In future, you will address me according
to my rank. Clear?

She wants us to address her according to
her rank.

Stand up.

I said on your feet, that's an order!

I think she's getting cross.

Are you refusing to obey an order?

May I remind you that we are on active
service and what you are doing amounts

mutiny. Why don't you go back to bed,
Gloria?

I'll give you one last chance.

Get on parade.

I read something in the black.

Why have you got a hole in your hat?

You just put it there!

Change in the rooms!

Bombardier, speaking on behalf of the
others, if you want to rehearse, we

mind a bit.

No, we didn't know you'd get that upset,
you know. I tell you what, we'll

rehearse the pretty girl as like a
melody number, eh? In full costume.

I'll even put on Marita Hayworth's
dress.

Yeah, and I'll wear the Esther Williams
swimsuit that you like with the roses.

You like that?

Yeah, and you could wear your Ruby
Keeler dress with the pleated shawl. Oh,

look a knockout in that.

You puss.

I think that was tart.

I'll never wear women's clothes again.

All right, then. You can be Dick Powell,
and I'll be Ruby Keeler.

You nasty little puss.

There's just one or two jets out there
stopping us getting the food. And what

are you doing about it? Nothing.

Because you're a bunch of weak -kneed,
flabby spineless puny wights.

Well, it's going to stop right here and
now.

I'm going to toughen up you Nancy boys.

Right.

Running on the spot.

He might be pretending.

No, he's fainting.

He's had a brain storm.

Yes, I suppose he has, in a way.

After all, we've all got two sides to
our character.

What, you mean like Jekyll and Hyde?
Yes. They're the hero and the coward in

of us. In our case, let's face it, the
coward keeps the hero well under

You mean that bang on Gloria's head
knocked out the coward?

Yes. It's probably only temporary. When
he comes round, he may not remember

anything about it. Yeah, but what are we
going to do?

I think it's about lunchtime.

What's old Sarge going to say?

Yeah, if he finds out he's been shooting
at us, he'll have him locked away in a

loony bin.

We'd better get him to bed.

Yes, and let's keep it to ourselves for
the time being. See what happens when he

wakes up.

I'll clean up the stand.

You're not

rehearsing your Al Jolson number this
time of night,

are you?

No camouflage.

What have you got there?

Grenades, mills marked for short fuse.

How do you think you're playing at,
Bobbitt here?

I need your help.

What for?

To round up the Japs.

I could do it on my own, but I need
somebody to cover my rear.

What are you sniggering at?

You feeling all right, bombardier?

I never felt better in my life.

The way I see it is this. My men, if you
can call them that, they're hungry.

All that stands between us and the food
are a few miserable jabs.

Just wipe them out.

We've got no further problems.

Are you coming with me?

You're being a bit hasty, boy.

You're always shooting your mouth off
how you like to have a crack. at the

when there's your chance to put your
muscle where your mouth is this is a gut

check williams are you coming

or do i go it alone you put it like i'm
coming right

now fix your face right this is what
we're gonna

do we creep up on them to about 100
yards

And you give me covering fire.

And I charge them. And I blast them to
hell.

Just because you suddenly turned into
Errol Flynn, you can't do it like they

on the film film.

You've got to use strategy. You can't
charge machine guns.

Right. And I creep round behind them.

They cover me.

And I strangle them with my bare hands.

I shouldn't come to grips with them,
Bombardier.

You know, I'm Japanese as trained in
Jewish jitsu.

You know what, Williams?

You're a real man.

Does it look right?

And that's a very rare thing in this day
and age.

Let's seal our partnership.

Cut our wrists.

And then we join them together.

And we become blood brothers.

I don't think we ought to do that,
Bombardier.

We might become sceptical.

lob a couple of grenades in and mob your
uncle.

But I want to get at him with my bare
hands.

I'll tell you what, mama dear.

I'll throw the grenade.

You do what you want to do with your
bare hands.

You know that.

pretty boy then.

fired the mortar.

Get out!

He must have circled around behind. Now
get him. Hang on.

We've done what we came to do.

Do you realize that one miserable Jap
has been holding up our food for a week?

And he's even used one of our mortars.

Just think.

One Jap.

Well, we don't make too much of that.

Sergeant Major Williams calling Royal
Army. artillery concert party.

Are you receiving me?

Are you receiving me?

It's the sergeant -major, sir. Give it
to me.

Where the hell have you been, sergeant
-major?

Yes, we've been worried sick.

I beg to report, sir, the bombardier
Bowman and myself have single -handedly,

double -handedly, neutralized the
Japanese mortal emplacement and

one, two, three, four, five, six of the
enemy and was bringing back their

helmets to prove it.

Over and out.

Let me shake you by the hand, Boba dear.

It's great to have you on the team,
Williams.

You went a bit fast there and we killed
six Japs.

Who are you?

I didn't say we killed them.

I said we'd accounted for them.

Now you pick up the helmets.

I'll carry the mortar.

And when we get back, I'll do the
talking.

I thought you were going to be a
brigadier to come over and present these

decorations to my men. Not at all. I
always try to make it if I can. The

like it, you know.

You must be very proud of them, Colonel.
Oh, we are very proud indeed, aren't

we, Ashford? Oh, yes, sir, as proud as
peacocks. Come on, Bomber, dear, fasten

up your belt proper.

You're walking around like a wet
weekend.

Ever since they woke up this morning, I
felt all peculiar.

The last thing I remember is going out
to get those coconuts.

That was over a week ago.

What have I been doing since then?

Whatever it was, they're going to give
you a medal for it.

Me? A medal?

What for?

Well, you see Bombardier, it's like
this. What's all this Bombardier?

My name's Gloria.

Fall in with the men, Sergeant Major.
All right, I'm falling to myself too.

Let's have you, let's have you, let's
have you. Sergeant Major, stand still.

Attention.

Sergeant Major Williams, Bombardier of
Beaumont, three paces forward, march.

Sergeant Major Williams, Bombardier,
Beaumont. You have been recommended, and

quite properly recommended in my view,
for the highest award in the British

Army, the Victoria Cross.

Unfortunately, you didn't get it.

Quote the official citation, for courage
above and beyond the call of duty,

Sergeant Major Williams and Bombardier,
Beaumont.

have been mentioned in dispatches.

This is a great honour, and is dignified
by perhaps the most British of all

emblems, the Oakleaf Club.

Captain Ashwood, the Oakleafs.

You haven't undone the pins.

Oh, I'm awful sorry. Oh, come on.

Silly us. I'm awful sorry.

Might you, Treading?

Ah, is that it?

No, that's a dead beetle.

What are we doing here, Sergeant Major?

Shut up.

You're getting a gong for wiping out six
girths.

Real ones.

Stuffed ones.

I don't understand.

Shut up.

Just let him pin the gong on your chest.

Will he kiss us like they do in France?

Here they are.

I'm awfully sorry.

Thank you.

Sergeant Major Williams.

Well done, Sergeant Major. It's exactly
what I would have expected of you.

Thank you, sir.

Bombardier Beaumont.

Bombardier, you're not a regular soldier
like the Sergeant Major and I, but

nevertheless, a few days ago, you proved
to us that you were a man.

A man of a swerving resolve and iron
courage.

Thank you.