All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s07e05_class_of_1945

Meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and sketches and jokes old
and new. With us about you and Phil

So meet the gang cause the boys are
here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

If you'll just sign this one there, sir,
if you would. And if you'll sign this

one for me, sir, then I'll fill it in
for you and you won't have to bother

it any further.

Thank you, Gunnar, Gunnar... Graham,
sir. Oh, Graham, yes.

I must say, you've been a great help in
the office, haven't you, Edward?

Oh, absolutely. First class.

What is it, Charwell?

It is ten o 'clock, sir, so I'm bringing
your eleventers.

Take this all, please.

And Bombardier Bowman and Concert Party
are ready to show a new song that is to

go into show tonight.

Which one is that, Ashford?

The Wedding of the Painted Doll, sir.
They're all toy soldiers, and Bombardier

Beaumont is the bride. He dresses up as
a girl. Yes, brides usually do.

Get all the side maids to get the ball
rolling, will you?

Certainly, Colonel, sir. You'd better go
and get ready. Shut up!

What do you want?

Colonel,

sir, I want to see Concert Party perform
their latest spoofery.

Right.

Are you standing by?

Ready when you are, Sergeant Major.

Permission to carry on, sir.

Of course you can, Sergeant Major.

Constant party!

Again!

It's the holiday.

Today, the wedding of the Painted Doll.

It's the joy day. The news is spreading
all around the hall.

The soldier boys are all in town.

They're marching up, they're marching
down.

From far and near, they're coming here.

Church bell ringing.

Here's the little dog.

Little mama doll, left around for weeks
and weeks.

Shoes are loose, no time to lose.

Rice and shoes will strengthen.

It's the holiday.

Today's the wedding of the little
painted doll.

Here comes the bridegroom.

Showing the world he's hasty. Looking at
his smile.

All sorrow away.

He meets the bride now. Look at the
little cutie. Look at the little beauty.

Look at the little doll.

It's my wedding.

Here's the preacher man. Oh, look, as he
takes his little black book, he is

sure he knows his stuff because he's
done it often enough.

Here's the little doll, lift on, the
fall is with her painty cheek.

Little mama doll has thrust her round
for weeks and weeks.

Shoes are blue, no time to lose.

Rice and shoes will spread the news that
it's a holiday.

Today's the wedding of the little
painted doll.

Absolutely first class. Absolutely first
class. What did you think, Sergeant

Major? I thought it was disgraceful,
sir.

Show business isn't exactly your forte,
is it, Sergeant Major? My objection has

nothing to do with show business, sir.

They're doing drill.

Even poofy toy soldier chorus boys
should have some respect for military

tradition. They're slumicky, sir.

Yes, you're absolutely right. The drill
was slumicky. Don't you agree, Ashwood?

I was just about to say the very same
thing, sir.

Slumicky. No, we can't let it go on like
that, sir.

A disgrace to the Royal Artillery. Yes,
it is a disgrace.

Now, what shall we do?

Let me polish them up, sir.

What an excellent idea, isn't it? An
excellent idea, Erfurt. Absolutely

excellent, sir. Well, go ahead.

Come on.

Come on, come on, come on, come on!
Stop! Stop!

Stop!

Now,

lovely boys, we's gonna do that drill
until it is smart, smart, smart.

Do you understand?

He's now ready and hot and most lovely.

Go away!

Sergeant Major, may we have our tea
break before we do the drill? No, you

not! You will have your tea break when
your drill is smart, smart, smart,

judging by your usual standards, will be
never, never, never.

Now, when you go into that routine, I
want you to see them arms coming up

parallel to the ground, thumbs to the
front, and fingers lightly clenched.

But, Sergeant Major, that's not the
step.

You mean that's not the step? The
British army would march like that for a

hundred years!

For their choice, I'll just go into a
wedding. Shut up!

Do not keep me waiting!

Excuse me, Sergeant Major. Do you want
me to vocalise?

Do you want me to vocalise?

No, Mr. Lardy, I've got a gram.

I just want to assure that honorable
university voice of yours, I want you to

play!

Two hours.

Two hours he had us out there dancing in
the sun.

The routine's ruined.

It's in shreds.

So are my feet.

It's bad enough when he takes us for PT
and jungle training and then shoves us

out on fire picketing on guard.

But when he starts on the shore... Well,
you can imagine how I feel. I mean,

I've put up with this war business
because when it came to the

had total artistic freedom.

I mean, now we have this.

We should do him in.

If we can't kill him, we'll get into
trouble.

Not if we found a secret poison.

Aye, they've got secret poisons in the
jungle.

Um, corari.

That's the stuff. The natives put it on
the ends of their darts in the

blowpipes. Hey, Chihuahua, do you mind
where there's a corari tree run about

here? No, it's a sub. No corari tree.
But we have cascara tree.

It's not quite... we're looking for, I'm
afraid.

We want to put Karari in the Sergeant
Major's tea, so we'll get rid of him

forever. If we put Kaskara in his tea,
he'll be off for a couple of hours.

Well, how about ground glass, then?

Aye, we could get ground glass. I had
some ground glass once. In a birthday

my grandma made for me.

I'm still here.

Did you notice when you were eating it?

Course I noticed.

Never thought anything of it.

Just never much of a cook.

I think I have the glimmerings of an
idea. Quiet, everybody. The brain's at

work. Well, when I was sorting through
the papers in the office the other day,

came across this signal from Div HQ.

It said, in effect, that the commanding
officers should comb through their list

of warrant officers and senior NCOs with
a view to recommending them for an

accelerated commission to the rank of
lieutenant.

Thanks, ma 'am. So?

Well, if we could get old Shut Up to
apply for a commission, we might get rid

him. Shut Up as an officer?

No, no, no, no, you're quite right.
Forget it.

Nobody in their right minds would ever
dream of making an awful common man like

him into an officer.

Just a minute, Paderewski.

What's all this about common?

God, I'm sick and tired of you going on
about everybody else being common.

Just because you talk all la -di -da.

I was referring to shut up.

Aye, but you were looking at us.

What right have you to say who's common
and who isn't?

You think we're all common, don't you?
Well, I've got quite enough to put up

with, being short, without you looking
down your nose at me. But I'm common.

Well, I'll tell you this.

I'd rather be common with hair than posh
and bald.

I'd rather be common with hair.

And I'd rather be short and common with
hair.

would be good looking and common with
her.

Well, I don't agree.

I would mind being bored if I could be
posh. It's a small price to pay.

We're getting away from the point.

It doesn't matter what we think about
shallop. It's what they think over there

that matters.

Precisely. And if the flight has chance
that they might get through, we ought to

take it. What do you think?

Well,

the thing is, how do we make him apply?

Well, can't you have a little chat with
him? Let's face it, because I went to

university, he hates me more than any of
us.

Well, he sometimes talks to me at night
when I'm on guard duty.

Well, that's it, then.

When you're on stand tonight, have a
little chat with him. See if you can

few hints.

You know, sort of man to man.

It's going to be very difficult.

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Nobody about.

All the lads were asleep.

Just us.

Not like that time when the Japanese was
only half a mile away, hmm?

I kept you on your toes, didn't I?

I didn't care for that very much.

That's what soldiering's all about, boy.

Danger.

Keep your one jump ahead of the enemy,
because you know it's either him or you.

It's been marvellous.

And a good soldier.

I feel like that sort of thing.

Something you were born to, I suppose.

I mean, I remember I was only that big,
you know. I was always the little

warrior.

I used to play Indians and palefaces
with my sister.

I was always the Indian, of course. She
was the paleface.

Used to track her through the bushes,
you know.

And if I caught her, I'd tie her up.

Light a fire under her.

She was a good little sport.

God rest her soul.

With me, it was films.

Everything was films.

I used to make little paper skirts when
I quite told you.

And I called them the Gold Wing Girls.

Yes.

Oh, with me, it was always soldiering.
Soon as I was old enough, I joined up.

Sergeant Major?

Have you ever thought of becoming an
officer?

Me? An officer? No, boy.

I'm not the type.

I wouldn't be too sure. I mean, you
don't have to talk posh and la -di -da

nowadays. I mean, they didn't even talk
posh in history.

I mean, look at Napoleon.

He was just a common, ordinary little
man.

He was in films only.

There was Greta Garbo.

I mean, she liked him.

I mean, whatever his background.

And then there was Hitler.

He was common as dirt.

And, of course, there was Alexander the
Great.

He wasn't common, was he?

I come to think of it, I don't think he
was.

Not only that, Bombardier, I think he
was...

One of them, you know.

Well, maybe that wasn't such a good
example.

Good general, mate.

Oh, you're a very good general.

For a post.

Yeah, but he was ever so sort of
fearless with it.

But as for me being an officer, boy, no,
I don't think it's my cup of tea, you

know. Think of all the advantages. I
mean, you get a better pay, better

uniforms.

A bit of food, a club, swimming pools.

And, of course, you score a bigger hit
with the girls.

There is that, I suppose.

Of course, there's the biggest advantage
of all.

What's that?

You'll be rid of us forever.

Why don't you put an application in?

I'll think about it.

I must say, it's a bit of a faceless,
huh?

I can't think what's possessed the man.

We can't possibly put him forward.

I mean, the whole idea of him being an
officer is a complete farce. On the

hand, we can't block it, Ashford. It's
not like the old days.

We've got this chap Attlee in charge
now.

If we lose him, who's going to do all
that shouting and keeping the chaps up

scratch and waking them up in the
mornings and inspecting their socks?

The ideal thing would be for him to
withdraw the application himself.

I tell you what, suppose we invite him
to a meth dinner and also invite the

Brigadier General's staff.

I mean, he won't know how to behave,
he'll be thoroughly embarrassed and see

himself the absurdity of the whole
thing. Of course, he'd be a complete

of water, wouldn't he?

I say it's jolly devious, sir.

Well, you know, sometimes in life one
has to be cruel to be kind.

Sure, just look at them.

Have you ever seen anything like it?

Here we are, fighting the Japanese for
our very existence, and they're having a

dinner party.

Are they at the Savoy?

I haven't seen you doing much fighting
lately, Petal.

Oh, very good job, Anna.

Stop. It is all according to the myth of
Beaton, which is belonging to my

uncle's mother, who is damned old snuff.

What we need now is a centrepiece.

Oh. I say, that's awfully good, Ashford.

It's your tooth glass, actually, sir.

Well, we're off to the RAF to borrow
some wine.

Yes, sir.

What about the food?

Well, I had a word with the mess
sergeant at Div, and he's sending the

thing along in hay boxes at about 20
hundred dollars.

Say, that's a good wheeze. Well, we
can't expect the brigadier to eat the

we get here.

Carry on, sir, madam.

Stop!

We'd better start rehearsing, otherwise
he'll have us whitewashing the jungle

again.

Let's take him to the top. All right,
fellas.

Second number.

Right.

You're, uh, getting your notice back to
the grindstone, are you?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Just polishing.

Yeah, well, just before you start, um,
you don't happen to have such a thing as

a black tie, do you?

Whatever for?

You're going to a funeral.

Well, exactly. It's this commission
thing, see? Only, well, the colonel's

inviting me to dinner, like, and on the
invitation by here, it says, uh...

I've got to have a black tie.

Well, actually, when they put black tie
on an invitation, Sergeant Major, it

means they want you to wear a dinner
jacket.

Dinner jacket?

I'm not one of them.

Don't worry, we can fix you up. You can
use my Eddie Canty jacket and park it

ventriloquist trousers.

Look a right monkey in that lot.

No, I think I'll chuck the whole idea.

No, no, you mustn't do that. You look
marvellous, I promise.

It's only the looks, you know. I mean, I
never know how to carry on with that

sort of doodle.

Well, there's lots of nice old folks in
here.

I've only ever had one of each.

Nothing to it. I could teach you. Five
minutes.

Table's all ready.

Sergeant Major, officers will not be
back till sun goes down.

They have gone to see the Brill Cream
Boys.

Come on, Sergeant Major.

It'll be like rehearsing a scene.

No, no, it's a daft idea. I shouldn't
have applied. I mean, to be one of them,

you've got to be born right, know what I
mean? Oh, come on. You can't give up,

not now.

The fault, dear Brutus, lies...

Not in our stars, but in ourselves that
we are underlings.

What are you on about?

Shakespeare said that.

Did he?

Yeah. And he was ever such a common
little man.

Well, Paderewski.

Well, yes.

Oh, come on, let's have a go, eh?

All right, then. Come on, over here,
fellas. Yeah, excuse me.

Right, Lofty, you over here. You'll be
the brigadier, right?

And you, Parkey, you're there. You'll be
the colonel. And, oh, not me,

sweetheart. Over there.

You'll be Captain Ashwood.

Very nice.

Let's go.

Ah!

You mustn't sit before the others.

What am I?

Oh, there you are. See, I messed it up
before I started. It's no use.

You've got to carry on. You've got to
keep on trying.

Aye. Like Robert the Bruce.

Hey, I remember him. He kept on, didn't
he? Yeah, he tried and tried again.

Aye, but was he an ordinary man?

He was a king.

Yeah, well, kings were very common in
those days.

All you've got to do is to wait until
your host, in this case the Colonel,

the signal. Well, he'll probably say
something like, do sit down, Brigadier.

Try that.

Go on, Parky.

Do sit down, Brigadier.

Thanks very much.

Brigadier sits, then the Colonel, then
Ashwood, and then you.

It's lovely weather we have been having,
don't you think?

making conversation.

We're not doing conversation.

We're doing sitting and eating.

Conversation comes later.

All right. Charles Waller, bring the
soup. At least you help him.

We haven't got any soup.

Improvise. You can pretend it's soup.

It's soup. I know which one for that.
It's that one, isn't it? At least I got

something right. Well, you've got it
right, Sergeant Major, but you're a

bit early. The next thing is the table
napkin.

There you are. I know I won't do it.

I'll make a fool of myself for sure. You
won't. You're doing fine.

What you want to do is take the first
letter of each thing you've got to

remember and make a simple code word.
No, no, no. There's no need for all

You've only got six things to remember.

Now, this, table napkin, soup, fish,
meat, and... Pudding.

Yeah, all right. Pudding.

There you are, then.

Schnasspump.

We're not ready for that yet. We haven't
done the napkins. Hey, we can't use

these, boys. They'll get dirty.

We have many more, sir.

Fresh and white like new dhoti. Right.

Let's do the napkins.

That's it.

Good, good. Splendid.

There is... There is just one small
detail, Sergeant Major. You don't tuck

it into your tunic.

I was following the brigadier.

You're supposed to know.

Napkins go on the knee. Right, serve the
two.

Good. It's quite tempting, that, isn't
it?

Uh -uh.

You must wait for the colonel.

Well, you said just now I didn't have
to. That was for the table napkins.

Quite simple, Sergeant Major.

Wait for the sit.

Wait for the sit.

Don't wait for the napkins.

Don't wait for the napkins.

Wait for the soup.

Wait for the soup. Off you go, then,
Colonel.

Ah, lovely.

Oh, um... There is just one little
thing.

Don't blow the soup.

Don't blow the soup.

Have you got it?

Wait for the fit.

Wait for the sit.

Don't wait for the napkins.

Don't wait for the napkins. Wait for the
soup. Wait for the soup. Don't blow the

soup. Don't blow the soup.

Without that, the life of the soup won't
be hot anyway.

Now, when you've nearly finished all the
soup, don't tip the bowl towards you.

Right, I'll remember that. Let's have a
recap, right?

Wait for the sit.

Don't wait for the napkins.

Wait for the soup.

Don't blow the soup.

Don't hit the bowl.

Right. Hang on. Wait for the pit.

Wait.

Don't wait.

Wait.

Don't blow. Don't hit. Right.

Quite easy, really.

All you've got to think of is...

Let's go on to the

fish, shall we?

Never thought you'd look... Thank you.
Thank you.

Yes,

this sherry is not at all bad, Reynolds.

Oh, thank you very much, sir.

Actually, thanks to the RAF, because
they provided it. And I'll tell you

something else.

This is the first time I've dressed in
mufti for dinner since 1940.

Well, we did that because of this rather
odd guess.

The Sergeant Major chap? Yes, that's
right, sir. We couldn't wear uniform

because, as Ashwood pointed out, it
would mean the Sergeant Major wearing

badges while dining in the officer's
mess.

And that wouldn't do at all.

What sort of chap is he?

Absolutely first class.

Isn't he, Ashwood? Oh, absolutely first
class.

As the Sergeant Major.

But so far as he's becoming an officer
is concerned...

I'll leave that for you to draw your own
conclusions.

If you don't go now, Sergeant Major, the
dinner will be over.

Glorious up.

The food is not here yet.

HQ muck not yet arrived to replace my
Chinese muck.

All right, Sergeant Major, let's have a
look at you.

I don't think I can go through it, you
know, that's a fact.

You're a tough to your fingernails.

My mum had a picture of the Duke of
Windsor on a biscuit tin.

You look just like him.

Do I really, boy?

Go on, Sergeant Major.

Go out there and knock them in the
aisles.

All right.

Wish me luck, then.

Good luck, sir.

Here I go.

Ah, here comes our long -lost guest.

Bring it here. Our special guest,
Sergeant Major Wins.

How are you going on, sir?

I've heard all about you, Williams.

Colonel be telling tales, is he?

Oh, no, no, no, you're right. You're
quite a legend, H .Q. A good legend, I

hope, sir.

At all events, a soldierly one.

Oh, that's all right. As everybody knows
about Sergeant Major Williams.

But look, I can't keep calling you
Williams.

What's your first name?

I've always been known as Taffy, sir.

Yes, well, that's the fate of every
Welshman in the army, I'm afraid.

Oh, Charles, Taffy doesn't seem to have
a drink.

Oh, oh, sorry, Sergeant Major.

Taffy, um... Ash, well, get old Taffy
here a drink, will you?

Thank you, sir.

Oh, I see.

That's kept your cup.

I'm sorry, sir.

I see we've let you down rather badly.

I didn't have a white shirt, you see,
son.

Well, the boys got together and made
these out of a couple of bits of white

cardboard. I see. That's damn funny.

Do you know my Batman did the same for
me?

I bet these two get theirs at Harrods.

Army and Navy, actually.

Derry and Thomas.

Test cut o 'clock.

Message from Devsburg for the Colonel.

The bridge is down over the Thingyoo
River, sir, and they can't send a food

your dinner.

I see.

That's a bit of a blow.

Never mind. We have this fabulous
Chinese cook.

My compliments to our Singh. Tell him I
know it's short notice, but could he do

his best?

Our Singh sent a message too, sir. What
does he say?

Can I whisper, sir?

Yes, I suppose so.

Well, he said, sir, you can... Take a
Chinaman to think up something like

I can fix up fantastic McConaughey's
too.

with tin -mashed potatoes and tin
-trickle pudding and char -burn your

up. McConaughey stew and trickle
pudding.

But that's the best meal in the world.

Tastes best of all out of mess tins,
sir. You're absolutely right, Taffy.

Could we have it out of mess tins? I
mean, one spoon would do. Yes, yes, yes,

course, of course.

Well, off you go, thing.

Clark, sir. Clark, yes.

Take the Indian thing with you, too.

You know, I remember my old dad.

He was a coal miner, you know.

Was he indeed, sir? Oh, yes, yes. John
of Pondy Colliery.

Well, my dad was a miner too, sir.

Was he indeed?

Nantamoyle. Nantamoyle?

Good gracious me.

What a marvellous man you've got here.

The sort of man we want for an officer.

Yes, we thought that too.

Absolutely.

Anyway, my father never forgot his
humble background.

Even after he became an MP.

And I remember the day I left public
school, him saying to me, Brinley, he

Brinley, never forget one thing in life.

There's no meal better than stew and
trickle put.

Labour MP, was he then?

Of course he was, yeah.

Well, my mother had set the table, just
like this.

And I remember she had the best china
and silver and things.

And I remember my father taking hold of
the cloth and saying, Stew and treacle

porridge, he said.

And to hell with all the fripperies and
la -di -da.

And with that, he took hold of the cloth
and pulled it off, leaving everything

standing.

Just like this.

Just as well we'd eaten out the mess
tin, sir.

You're right, sir.

Thank you very much. When were you last
at the Arms Park, sir?

saying goodbye to the Sergeant Major was
without doubt the sweetest moment of my

life. He made my life a misery.

Just because I'm little.

He was unhuman.

Life without him will be pure bliss.

Here, fellas.

Look what's just blown in.

Oh,

love a ruddy duck.

It's happened at last, fellas.

They made me a sergeant.

You're a temporary unpaid acting
sergeant.

That's right.

For short, too harsh.

Get fell in.

make any difference not to us.

I'm not like that. Not at all.

You scratch my back and I'll scratch
yours.

On parade is on parade and off parade is
off parade.

We're going to make this the finest
concert party east of Chittagong and my

is not Gloria Beaumont. I'm going to
rehearse until you drop. We're going to

have make -up classes, dancing classes,
acting classes, singing classes.

I was shouting, you see, because I'm not
a real sergeant.

I'm only a temporary unpaid acting
sergeant.

Temporary unpaid.

I'm acting.

Very badly.

What are you doing back here, Sergeant
Major? I brought you a signal, sir. The

concert party is to be trained as an
assault concert party.

What does that mean, Sergeant Major?

It means, Mama dear...

that when the Allies invade Malaya from
the sea, this concert party will go in

with the first wave of assault troops,
and I will be coming with you.

What about your commission, Sergeant
Major?

Well, that would have taken six months,
sir.

Might all be over by then, so I withdrew
my application. I'm coming with you,

sir, because I have a feeling you're
going to need me.

Well, if we're going in with the first
wave, we'll certainly be needing you.

On the other hand, sir, I do not think
we will be needing this.

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© BF -WATCH TV 2021

The boys are

here,

the boys who entertain you.

B -O -Y -S Boys to entertain you!