All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s07e04_the_great_broadcast

Meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey. With songs and sketches
and jokes on anew with us about you and

Bill Blue. So meet the gang cause the
boys are here, the boys to entertain

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Boys, the mail is by here. Let's be
having you.

Get a clock.

Yes, sir.

Two. Thank you, sir. Get a ravens.

Thank you, sir. Get a la -di -da,
Graham.

Thank you, Sergeant Major.

Macintosh. That.

Poverty of Beaumont.

Typewritten. Get a second. Nasty spidery
scrawl.

Get a parking.

Beautiful handwriting, that.

I got a parcel for you as well.

Oh, thanks, Sergeant Major.

It's from your ma 'am.

She looks after you well, don't she?

I hope she'll write to her lovely boy.

She's bound to be worried, you know. Oh,
yes, sir, yes.

Are there any more for us?

No, there is not.

These are for the officers.

Mail, sir.

Oh. Two for you, sir. Thanks awfully.
And a message, sir, from Div HQ.

Thank you.

Ah, this is from Fiona.

She wrote it on Wednesday.

How do you know?

Does she use a different perfume for
every day of the week?

No, she does the bathrooms on Wednesday.
It's just fluid.

Have you got that parcel open yet,
Parky? No.

She's done it up real good.

What do you think is in it, Parkins?

Well, sir, she said in one of her
letters that she's going to send me a

cake. It was your birthday four months
ago.

Perhaps she missed the post.

It's a cake, all right.

I bet it tastes beautiful.

Your mum's a wonderful cook.

I suspect.

Gone a bit dry.

Oh, it'll be all right.

There's some lumps in it.

Hey, look.

She's written on it, look. On some of
the icing.

Most of the pieces are still here, look.
Look, look. And an S and an O and a B,

B, Y.

And there's a T and an H and an I and
there's an N.

Soppy thin.

Shut up.

Let's go.

Happy birthday, son.

Happy birthday, son.

What a beautiful message. Let's taste
it.

We can have a lamp each.

Then we can mix the powder with some
custard.

Thanks, Parky.

Sort of, Aja.

Thank you, boy.

Happy birthday four months ago, Parky.
Oh, thanks, Gloria.

No, it's your birthday cake, Parky. You
had a bit with a pee -pee on it.

Bit dry, innit?

It's been travelling.

You can taste the flavour it would have
had.

I've got a bit of icing. Tastes like
concrete.

This is the worst cake I've ever had.

It's not that bad. I tell you, it's the
worst cake I've ever had. And no -one

can accuse me of being a fussy eater.

Shut up!

You gotta make allowances. You can't put
the proper stuff in in wartime. You

gotta use powdered eggs.

Perhaps that's why it's a powdered cake.

My mum's cakes were always terrible.

My dad used to feed them to the ducks
and then watch them sink.

You have no right to do that to your
mum.

Is that me done? Stop!

Get the men on parade, will you? Come
on, move yourself, move yourself!

Get them hats on, double up, double up,
or I'll have you sweating round this

camp all day!

That's how far it is.

on parade, sir. Here.

Stand at ease.

I just had a signal from Div HQ.

In three days' time, we're going to have
a visit from a BBC mobile radio unit.

Oh.

Apparently, we've been picked to take
part in a programme that's going to be

heard best in England.

Did they say what sort of programme it
was, sir? No, just that it was to be

broadcast on the home service.

They'll want us to do extracts from the
show. It stands out to my eyes. That's

roughly the conclusion I came to myself.

We're given 15 paralysed in minutes.

Just the cream of our best talent.

That's the ticket. Leave them wanting
more. Don't you agree, Sergeant Major?

Indeed I do, sir.

Generally speaking, they leave them
wanting less.

Yes, well, of course, this is very
important, so I'm putting you in charge,

Captain Ashford, and I myself will
personally supervise the whole show.

Now, what we have to do is to sit down
and decide what we have to do.

Get a men's seat, Sergeant Major.

Sure, I'll get you chairs, Captain
Ashford, myself.

Marvellous. You spend months organising
and devising a show.

When anything important happens, they
want to take charge.

Shut up and pay attention.

Thank you.

Now, what we decide here and now is
absolutely vital. We have to select our

best item, the very jewels in our crown,
to set before the British public.

Poor devils.

Yeah, I was thinking about the British
public, sir. All that blitzing and

bombing and snooking up. I mean, the
poor devils deserve something good.

Quite. Now, let's think carefully and
honestly. What is our best turn?

My paper terry.

Yeah, it's got to be included. Put it
down.

Excuse me, sir.

Did you say this was going to be on the
wireless?

That's right, sir.

Paper terry's no good, sir.

You won't see it.

All you'll hear is a lot of rustling.

Yeah, it's quite right, of course.

And it is not our best act.

No, excuse me, sir. My strongman act
goes down best for the lad.

He'll like to see me bend a big iron
bar.

What's the good of that on the wireless?

I mean, all you get is a lot of grunts
and groans.

Of course, sir, there's always Gunner
Parkins, ventriloquist.

Very fine term, sir.

Who ever heard of a radio ventriloquist?

Charlie McCarthy?

That's one.

Peter Brough?

That's still only two.

The piano's all right.

Yeah, the piano's all right.

My voice will be all right.

Oh, yes, put down the voice.

Gunner, gunner... Sugden, sir. That's
right. Mind you, sir, we won't be

his gestures.

Yeah, and if we can't see what he looks
like, I mean, he'll show up all the

flaws in his voice.

Why don't we all turn around and just
listen to him? Good idea.

Turn around, everybody.

Sing something, Sugden.

There is a lady sweet and kind Was never
faced so pleased

My mind...

Did but see her passing by Yet will I
love her

Till I

die Hmm.

What do you think?

Oh, I think it's an improvement, sir.

I mean, when you shows him, he's an
handsome six -foot denner.

When you sees him, he's a...

Little fuck mushroom.

I mean, he's known round these parts as
the singing coconut.

Let's face it, Ashford, they're just not
radio.

I'll get through to GHQ and cancel the
visit.

Shut up, shut up, lad. Hang on, sir.

I've got it.

What is radio today?

There are a lot of funny voices and
people opening doors and saying...

Can I do you now, sir? And was there
something?

And then shutting the doors.

Absolutely right.

Where does that get us?

Don't you see?

It's all part of this brave new world
that we're creating at this very moment.

People are opening new doors to
themselves all over the place. And then

them again.

Ah, well, that's the tragic side of the
mask.

The point, the whole point, the whole
philosophic nub is this.

You cannot shut a door unless you open
it.

He's talking absolute rubbish, of
course.

Yeah, shut up.

I know.

I'll write a show.

Oh, great stuff, Ashford.

It'll be set in the jungle, and it'll be
full of funny voices and symbolism.

Oh, fantastic.

I'm going to my basher, I'm going to
lock myself in, and I'm not coming out

until I've finished it. Bravo, Ashford.
That's how I like to see a man who can

look a problem in the face and do
something about it.

Well, there's just one problem that
worries me, sir. Oh, what's that one

Well, they does not have no doors in the
jungle.

Well, I dare say Astro to get round it
somehow or pull down the blinds or

something.

You'll never know just how much I'm
missing you.

Artyom, if I give you two cups of my
beautiful cha, will you give me a small

plate of your beautiful Chinese scuff?

Yesterday, you told me I make my chop
suey by boiling old mattress belonging

Cooley.

Yesterday, I'm not hungry.

Please, you tell me, when Parkey says
bad things about his mummy, why does

Sergeant Major get his knickers in a
twint?

Ah, it all happened many years ago, when
Sergeant Major is rookie.

He's meeting Parke's mummy in
Colchester.

Colchester? What is Colchester?

It is a beautiful hill station, like
Pune.

One night, there is a big ball in Palace
de Dan.

It is like a beautiful temple.

There, the sergeant -major is up, and
Parke's mummy dances every dance.

And the moon is shining, and the stars
are out.

And it was, oi, oi, oi.

How? How you know about this?

Sergeant Major tell me himself.

When he was drinking much pagal pani.

Ah, so on his way home, he fell in love
with Paki Mummy.

Yes, he fall in love.

Oh, it happened like flash of lightning
in doorway of home and colonial.

And he was... crying out with joy and
his knees are trembling.

And that night, with parky mummy, he
think he become parky daddy.

Sergeant Major say parky daddy.

I think we are from the east. We all
know who is mummy.

But who is daddy?

In Burma, we have a saying.

Kung na thang kung chai.

What is it meaning?

It means Chinese mummy daddy bear
Chinese baby.

Burmese mummy daddy bear Burmese baby.

This is very true.

In India, we also have saying.

What meaning that?

This means eunuchs are not born. They
are made.

You said the sweetest thing, baby.

Right, my lovely boys.

It's half a day to make them dolls as we
see them.

As one, Sergeant Major.

Let's have a look then.

Mama dear, come right here.

You call that a doll?

Park, you made most of it.

I call it a masterpiece.

Well done, lovely boy.

That's the best door this side of
Calcutta.

Because it's the only door this side of
Calcutta.

Right, Mr. Naughty Dog and Graham, let's
see what you've done.

This is it, Sir Major.

Oh, yes.

I suppose this is the sort of door we
have in Oxford and Cambridge for them

scholars to come crawling through on
their hands and knees wagging their

behind them, is it?

Something like that, Sergeant Major.

Something like that, Sergeant Major.

Sergeant Major, it's only for sound
effect.

Shut up!

Have a look at the door that that boy
has made and hang your heads in shame.

He did not never have no education, not
never.

Except a bit of common sense and his own
two bare little hands.

A chip off the old block, that's what he
is.

Made it portable as well.

Put it together again, Parkins.

If they don't like it, they can take a
running jump at themselves.

And a sudden, what is that?

It's the door.

Who thought fairies?

It's not for going through, it's for
listening to.

I bet my door sounds just as good as
those two.

What's going on, Sir Minimum? The man
has made the door start, instructed by

Captain Hashwood.

It's for the sound effects, Free Sailor.
Shut up!

It's for the sound effects, what he
shows.

And I'd better have a listen. I'll turn
my back.

Right. Door number one, gonna ground.

Door number two, gonna sudden.

Ow!

That's not me thumb.

Shut up.

Door number three, sir, gonna parking.

There is no doubt in my mind, sir, that,
um...

Gunner Parkins will be the best door.

When he's got it through his teeth in
trouble.

Yes, sir.

I've just got to get it together.

Ciao, lads. Grum chai.

Lovely hard chai.

Most excellent cake is for Anastas.

That's it? That's the one.

We'll use that one. Ciao, lads. Can we
borrow your cake box for the sound

effects? Most honoured, Gunner Parkins.
Special price, two anas per slanta.

I've done it, sir. I've finished.

It's all here. Well done, Ashford. Come
on, chaps, we'll try it out now.

I'm so excited I can hardly speak.

I'm the Grand Sommelier.

I'm the Grand Bombardier.

Now, when I sat down to write this, I
had to ask myself a question.

I said to myself, what is the one
essential ingredient that a radio script

have? Do you know what the answer was?

Words.

But apart from that...

It has to have a position in space and
time. I wouldn't have thought of that,

would you, fellas?

The time is now, the space is here, and
it's about chaps and the frightfully

amusing things that happen to them.

I've called it Jungle Japes. Jungle
Japes.

Absolutely first -class.

Now, the chaps are ordinary chaps, just
like us, only much more exaggerated.

Oh, and it's all mad and funny. Ah,
well... What do you think, chaps?

Yes, I agree. Absolutely.

Well, you be in charge and we start
rehearsals right away.

We've got to act and do it the positive
way.

Everything all right? Yes, Colonel.
We're ready to go.

Where's the producer?

I don't know. I'm a bit worried.

We're due on the air in half an hour.
Yes, well, we don't want to waste any

time. Let's have a quick run through
before we get there.

Right, chaps.

Places.

Go. Jungle Jakes are on the air. We're
never a worry and never a care.

We've lots of wheezes and stacks of
jokes.

They come and meet us, we're real nice
folks.

Yes, once more, it's Jungle Jakes.

Fooling about tonight are Colonel Pot
and Captain Kettle.

I say, Kettle, do you like my Greek
herb? What's a Greek herb, Pot?

about five pounds a week.

And that disparate, dunderhead
disciplinarian, Sergeant Major

Be quiet, be quiet, be quiet!

Acting the giddy goat as usual,
Bombardier Pansy Withers.

Oh, it's such a scream!

And not forgetting that voice in a
million, the voice of Gunnar Lofty

I bring along a smile and a song for
everyone.

Only a rose for you.

To sit back for a sizzling side
-splitting session of...

Who's this opening the door of the
battery office?

It's old Sergeant Major Bullshine.

Be quiet, be quiet, be quiet!

Good morning, Sergeant Major Bullshine.

Was there anything?

Yes, sir.

Bombardier Pansy Withers has got a
complaint.

We'll tell him to report thick.

No, sir. He wants to charge two men.

Oh, be quiet, be quiet, be quiet!

Oh, it's such a scream!

What's the charge, Bombardier Withers?

A gun of McTavish and Smith whistled at
me, sir.

Get the men.

To save yourselves, Gunner MacTavish.

Excuse me just a minute. Sorry

to interrupt.

Dennis Forbes -Dobson, BBC.

Ah, you're the producer. That's right,
yes.

It's going to be very much longer. I've
got a broadcast to do in a few minutes.

Yes, I know. I've just been having a run
through. Do you like it?

I don't see that that's any concern of
mine.

But you're the producer.

Oh, I see.

You mean to expect to do that stuff on
the air? Yes, of course. Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry, no. I
mean, I like it.

Like it enormously. It has a youthful
ebullience, but no.

I've worked for days on this script.

I'm sorry.

Someone's put up a bit of a black.

You see, all I'm doing is a record
request show.

Two Way Force is famous.

Yes, the reason we're here is that Mrs.

Parkins in Colchester is sending
greetings to one of the chaps in this

My mum!

My...

He's a very fine woman, so I'm told.

You mean we're not going to sing or do
our joke?

No. Why not?

Well, this is a tricky one.

I'm going to have to put on my
producer's hat.

You see, I'm afraid your voice is, um...
What's the matter with my voice?

Well, it, um, it gives the impression
that you're, uh... Puff, sir.

I didn't say that.

I did not say that.

It's just that the BBC have a very
strict code and will not allow any jokes

refer to people who are, uh... Poor sir.

Can't we just sing?

I mean, we don't have to do this
rubbish.

Rubbish? Rubbish? You beastly little
man!

I spent three days and nights non -stop
with that script.

The BBC are quite right about your
voice.

Silly on. Silly on, Ashford. After all,
you said it had a youthful ebullience.

So's my Aunt Fanny.

Yes, we're playing the record of I'll Be
Seeing You. Oh, really?

We did that one in the show.

The record has Vera Lynn singing it.

I dress up as Vera Lynn.

I don't have to dress up as Vera Lynn.

I could do it an octave lower. Yes, I
think we'll stick to the record if you

don't mind. Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got a lot of work to do. Donna

Parkins, you'd better decide what you're
going to say to your mother.

What are you going to say, Parky?

I shouldn't mention the cake.

I only hope when the time comes I don't
get too tongue -tied. I should write it

down for you.

Good idea.

Fancy not letting us sing. We've got all
this live talent and he wants to put on

a crummy record.

Just think, my auntie in Cleethorpes
might have heard my singing.

You're just jealousy.

Oh, don't be absurd.

Dennis is the man of taste and
discernment.

Oh, it's Dennis, is it now?

You university types will stick
together.

And you can't get through the BBC door
unless you've been to university or

public school.

Yeah.

Look at Stymus Stephen.

I don't think he went to university.

Well, it's always going on about them
semi -colons.

Oh, Sergeant Major, stop. What heavenly
joy.

Very soon you'll be hearing the sweet
tone of Parkey's mummy.

The love of your life.

I told you that.

You told me that.

One night when you were drunk with
Pagalpani.

You told anybody else about this?

No, sir, I swear.

You better not.

Otherwise I'll stick your head in that
charron and turn it up on.

Shall I go and ask Parkey if he can send
greetings to his mummy?

No.

No.

That was 20 years ago now.

She won't remember me after all that
time.

Ships that pass in the night.

Who meant colonial is a ship sub?

Go away.

Now, Parkins, stand here.

Yes, sir. Have you decided what you're
going to say?

Oh, yes, sir. I've written it all down.

Ah, good.

Are you sure you don't want us to sing?

Will you get out of my way, please?

Ready, George?

Yep. One minute to go.

Quiet, everybody.

Complete silence.

I'll just inform Colonel Reynolds, sir.

Cut a round, sir! We're on the air!

Shut up!

Stand by.

Stand by?

For our next request, we go over to
South East Asia Command, somewhere in

where Dennis Forbes Dobson is waiting to
greet us.

Are you there, Dennis?

Yes, I'm here, Charles.

I'm standing in a jungle clearing with a
bunch of tommies.

They are hot, they are weary, but are
they downhearted?

No. Beside me now is Gunner Parkins with
a message for his mother in Colchester.

Is she there, Charles?

Yes, she's here, Dennis.

Go ahead, Gunner Parkins.

Hello, Mum.

This is your son, Nigel.

I think about you a lot.

Thank you for the cake. It was smashing.

Me and the boys all had a bit.

It made quite a change.

Give my regards to all at number 41,
Uncle George, Aunt Mabel, Winnie,

Harry, Fred, ooh, and not forgetting the
parrot.

See you soon, I hope. Oh, yeah.

It ain't half hot, Mum.

And now, to give a message to her son,
here is Mrs Parkins.

Hello, son.

This is your mum.

We're all...

And that goes for Uncle George, Aunt
Mabel, Winnie, Harry, Fred,

and not forgetting the parrot.

I miss you a lot, but I know you are in
good hands because you always tell me in

your letters about your Sergeant Major
and how he looks after you.

Thank you, Mrs. Parkins. And now, here
is your request.

Are they seeing you, son?

We were on top of the pile a moment ago.
I saw it. Well, it's not here now.

We can sing it. We can sing it. Are you
still with us, Dennis?

Oh, all right. Oh, you.

Come on, fellas. Yes,

I'm still here. Charles, a slight
technical hitch, I'm afraid.

I'll be seeing you won't be sung by Vera
Lynn, but by the Royal Artillery

Concert Party.

How jolly.

Now, would you like to sign off and say
goodbye to your son, Mrs.

Parkins? Well, good...

Tell him to think of me when he hears
the words of this song.

I'll be seeing you In all the old
familiar

places That my heart and mind embraces
All day

through In a small cafe

The sun across the way, the children's
carousel,

the chestnut tree, the wishing well.

I'll be seeing you in every lovely
summer's

day, in everything that light and day.

B -O -Y -S Voice to entertain you!