All language subtitles for it_ain_t_half_hot_mum_s07e03_dog_in_the_manger

Meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on
your way to raising the robbers with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and sketches and jokes all
anew with us about you and Bill Blue. So

meet the gang cause the boys are here,
the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Everything OK, boss?

Absolutely first class, thank you.

I think it's absolutely disgraceful, the
Colonel hiring a Chinese cook.

We're all fighting the same war. We
should all eat the same food, like they

in the Russian army.

That's the matter, Ashford. You don't
seem to be enjoying it.

I'm getting a bit fed up with this
cooking.

I don't like mist about food.

This is like something you stuff
furniture with.

There's only chicken and vegetables.

I know it's chicken. I've got the beak.

Well, luckily it isn't duck, otherwise
you might have had the bill.

I think that's very funny, sir. I like
honest, simple food, like toad in the

hole and spotted dick.

I don't think you can do that. Arsene,
over here, geldy, chop -chop.

Yes, boss.

Do you know anything about spotted dick?

Don't blame my food, boss.

How about toad in the hole?

Not put toad in the hole, put toad in
the rice.

How do you enjoy the food, Sergeant
Merriam? Not bad, sir.

I quite enjoy them little currants.

Not currants.

Dried pit bulls.

By the way, sir, don't forget that
welfare officer's coming this afternoon.

Oh, yes, I'd quite forgotten about her.

Her? Did you say her?

Yes. Captain Georgina Tollemash.

She's chief welfare officer, coming over
today to see if the men have got any

problems. One's sorting out...

Sergeant Major and I, we met her once,
didn't we, at GHQ?

What's she like? Is she young and
beautiful?

No, not exactly.

Rather gauche, actually.

Mind you, there's a lot of breeding,
huh?

Between you and me, sir, I heard on the
grapevine she's a bit of a goer.

What?

You know, sir, a bit of a goer.

How dare you talk like that about a lady
captain?

Come off it, Ashwood. We're all men
here.

I must say you surprised me, Sergeant
Major.

A bit of a girl, eh?

I'll be quite frank with you, sir.

This sort of talk makes me feel sick.

If you haven't got his standards or
principles, I have.

What's the matter with Captain Ashford?

Very narrow -minded, you know.

If you ask me, sir, it's a question of
dog in the manger.

He'd like to, but he daren't.

Do you really think so?

No doubt about it, sir.

Very passionate man.

Ashwood passionate?

You can't judge by appearances, sir.

I mean, look at the Duke of Wellington.

On the outside, he was an ice -cold man
of steel.

But underneath, dreadful.

Mistresses all over the place.

Duke of Wellington had mistresses all
over the place?

Really?

He still found time to invent those
boots, then.

think Captain Ashford is like that?

Definitely, sir.

Yes, well, he has got the same shaped
nose. Maybe that's something to do with

it.

Shall I?

Yes, sir. How about your lovely boy?

Take this to the post depot, Jolly, will
you?

Take it up.

Do you want any more chow shops?

I have to take the Sergeant Major's
letter to the post depot.

I didn't even know he could write.

He has written every day since he came
back from leave.

Who did you write him to?

A lady he met in Simla.

Here. Do you mean that while he was
away, he was having it away?

You're so crude.

Come to think of it, he has been acting
a bit strange lately.

I mean, mooning around, not even
shouting at us.

What's her name?

Lady Penelope Garkton -Jones.

She's the wife of Brigadier Sir Holden
Garkton -Jones.

Are you trying to tell us, Mohammed,
that a titled lady would have anything

do with old shut -up? No, of course she
wouldn't.

It is true, I swear.

I wonder what he's got that her husband
hasn't got.

A Welsh accent?

Here, let's have a look at that letter.
Yeah.

Oh, it's filled.

I'd love to read it.

Sergeant Major has written most
beautiful poetry.

Where did you get that?

He made several copies before he got it
right.

Like all two artists, a perfectionist.
Let's have a look. Listen to this.

My dear Lady Penelope...

I can't eat or sleep because your love
developed me.

Just as well, I should think.

I can't eat or sleep because your love
envelopes me.

Envelopes. Envelopes me.

Oh, yeah.

I well remember that tropical night when
you behaved a bit of all right.

That's good, isn't it?

If you loved me before, you certainly
hid it.

But under the stars, you did it.

No, that is the most enchanting poetry I
have ever heard. Better than Omar

Khayyam. This is not poetry, it's
rubbish.

It rhymes, don't it? I bet it gets that
old bird lady Penelope going.

Be joyous.

My dear Lady Garston Jones.

Oh, he's getting formal.

I love you with all the marrow of my
bones.

I wake up in the night full of groans.

Oh, no, he's crossed that out. I wake up
in the night full of moans.

Drones, phones, loans, phones.

Zones.

What did he settle for?

Apprehension.

All over me, insects did climb, but I
was thinking of something else at the

time.

Your husband might have caught us if
we'd been out of luck, but did we worry?

No, we did not.

You can't post this letter before it
burns a hole in your doughty. Yes, sir.

I'll carry the sergeant major's
beautiful poem close to my heart. Oh,

Heavenly joy.

I think he could be persuaded.

Hello. Good afternoon, ma 'am, sir. Is
this the Royal Artillery Concert Party?

Yes, ma 'am, sir. All right. Come to the
party. Shut up!

I'm Captain Tall Mash. It's all right.
Stand at ease.

Oh, I know you.

You're the one who puts on frocks and
does girls.

That's right.

I'm the leading lady.

I've seen the show lots of times. I
think you're awfully good. In fact, the

first time I saw you, I thought you were
a real girl.

Thank you very much.

And you're the musician?

Yes, that's right. I play the piano.

And what's your name?

Graham. You're not one of the Berkshire
Grahams, are you?

No, actually, we're the Dorset Grahams.

Oh.

And, uh, what are you?

I'm one of the Glasgow Macintoshes.

You're Scottish.

Aye, oh, hi, the noo. How did you guess?

Ah, ma 'am, I'll take you over to meet
Colonel Reynolds.

Oh, thanks. You know, I simply adore
theatricals. We did a lot... A lot of

in honkers before the war. Such fun.

Where's honkers?

Oh, Hong Kong, of course.

So a great time.

Georgie. Hello, Charles.

Hello.

Oh, this is Catherine Atwood.

It's only nice to meet you.

Oh.

Gosh.

you come over to see if any of our chaps
have got any welfare problems.

Well, in a way, yes, but my main reason
for coming is your Sergeant Major.

Sergeant Major?

When he was on leave in Simla, he had a
bit of a thing going with the chum of

mine. What sort of thing?

Um, you know. What's her name?

Oh, gosh.

Promise you won't breathe a word to
anyone.

Well, of course.

Lady Penelope Garston -Jones.

What? Brigadier Buffy Garston Jones's
wife.

That's damn serious.

A swine. A principal swine.

To think of him whispering foul
innuendos into the shell -like ears of a

lady.

Calm down, Ashwood. We don't even know
she's got shell -like ears.

A bit juggy, actually.

How far's it got?

I don't know.

Well, it mustn't go any further.

You must have a word with Lady Penelope.
Oh, I have done, Charles. I said, look

here, Penn, you've got to break it off.

She's just bonkers about him.

Oh, don't worry. We'll have a word with
the Sergeant Major.

We'll make him do the decent thing.

If I had my way, I'd... Yes, all right.
I think you know the captain, don't you?

Sure.

Afternoon, Mom.

Oh, good afternoon.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll just go
and get my things from the jeep.

Wait, son -in -law. You and I are going
to have a little talk.

Beg your pardon, sir? I said you and
I... I've a minute.

Don't sit down, will you?

Yes, sir.

What has got into you? How dare you take
over like that?

I'm the colonel, and I will conduct this
inquiry. Thank you very much.

I'm sorry, sir. All right, well, don't
be such a silly arse.

Right, Sergeant Major, I'm not going to
beat about the bush. I'm just going to

say one word, and that is similar.

Similar to what, sir?

Similar where you had your leave.

Oh, yeah, of course.

And where you struck up a certain
friendship with a certain lady.

Oh, you know about it? Yes, we do, and
what's more... Oh, right, yes.

Now, how on earth did this all happen?

If you were chance, I went for a walk
one day and there she was by the side of

the road.

She couldn't get going, so... I gave her
a kickstart.

That did the trick.

Did the trick?

Well, she didn't have strong enough legs
to do it on her own.

After that, we was well away.

Away where?

Well, on her motorbike.

She gave me a lift back to the mess, and
she asked me to go out with her again

the next day.

What for?

Well, in case she wanted another
kickstart.

She was exploring the countryside, sir.

A very keen nature lover.

And what happened then?

Well, one thing led to another, sir.

You know how it is.

No, I don't.

You must never see her again.

Well, that won't be easy, sir.

I shall be sorted.

Just got to get unbesotted, that's all.

Did you know that she was married to
Brigadier Sir Holden Garston Jones?

Oh, yes, sir, but he was down in a pun
job.

Oh, but that made us all right, did it?

Let me tell you something, Sergeant
Major. I'm a happily married man.

My wife is 6 ,000 miles away, but I
don't behave like a randy animal.

I don't go charging round the
countryside giving title ladies

There is such a thing as standard,
Junior.

Calm down, Andrew. I'm sorry, sir. I
will have my tea. All right.

Tell me one thing, Sergeant Major.

What have you got the brigadier to hold
in Garston Jones hasn't got?

Why should a titled lady prefer you to
her husband? Why? Why?

Well, I suppose it all boils down to one
thing, sir.

The brigadier isn't much bottle.

Oh, when I love, I love.

There is no two ways about it.

Do you want any more chow, sir? No,
thanks, Mohammed.

Tell me, sir, what are the problems that
the ma 'am, sir, has come to help you

with? What does welfare mean?

Well, it's wise, sweetheart, getting
bints in the club.

I don't think.

You're married, Mohammed.

I have three wives.

Well, doesn't that make life a bit
complicated?

No, sir.

Muslim law is very strict.

I have to spend two nights with each.

What do you do on the seventh night?

Pray to Allah.

What for?

To give me strength for the next six
nights.

Right, sir, make it. Right,

now you're all on parade for your
welfare problems, so smarten yourselves

The first man will step briskly to the
table, salute, and present his problem.

Go to Robbins, Mark.

Gunder Evans, ma 'am.

Now, Evans, I'll deal with the problem
alone, or you can tell us all.

It's very confidential.

Oh, very well.

That's that sorted out.

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Gunner Suddenmore.

What the hell do you think you're doing,
Beaumont?

I'm his friend.

I'm going to speak for him.

He can speak for himself!

He's very shy.

If you think you can help, sit down,
Beaumont. Thank you.

How dare you cross your legs in front of
the Colonel Beaumont!

I'm sorry, it's force of habit.

Gunner Sudden, I...

with the problem alone, or you can tell
us all.

It's very intimate.

Speak up!

He says it's very intimate.

He says it's very intimate, Bob!

He says it's very intimate. Get closer,
get closer.

There's nothing to worry about, Sutton.
Whatever you say will not go beyond us

five.

Your confidences will be... sacred as
the confessional.

Now, what is the problem?

It's his wife.

His wife?

Yes. She keeps writing to him.

She doesn't like sharing the kitchen
with Betty.

Who's Betty?

His other wife.

That's bigamy. No, it's divorced.

How many wives have we got, Sutton?

Let me see there.

No, let him answer for himself.

Two, and the one I've got now.

When were you first married?

When I was 17.

I worshipped her, put her on a pedestal,
but it didn't work out. She said she

wanted somebody to look up to.

You should have stood on a pedestal
yourself.

You still haven't told us what the
problem is.

It's the in -laws. They don't get on.
All 24 of them.

And they got married a few times as
well.

If I'm there, I won't stand for it. I
walk out.

One of our welfare officers will visit
your house and sort it out.

Thank you.

Hey, Sutton.

Was you making all that up?

No, it's worse. The third wife has found
out about the mistresses.

for sorting out the men's welfare
problems.

You've done a first -class job.

Don't mention it.

And I hope, Sergeant Major, you're going
to do the right thing by a certain

lady.

Yes, ma 'am, I've written her a letter
to say I is not going to write to her

again.

We know.

You know, sometimes one has to be cruel
to be kind.

I hope you didn't mind my asking... Are
you asking you to drive me back to GHQ?

Not at all. It's a pleasure.

Before you go, we've arranged a little
ceremony for you just to show our

appreciation.

Carry on, Sergeant Major.

Concert party!

Slow!

Captain Toledash.

Do you understand engines?

Oh, rather. I took an M .T. course.

Can I help?

Don't worry.

I can manage.

Better let the engine cool off.

Things do get rather heated in the
jungle.

They certainly do.

Yes. Has anyone ever told you you've got
drollin' ice eyes?

Um... I'll try the engine.

Must be out of petrol.

I'll get all the blower.

I shouldn't bother.

What are you talking about?

It'll be dark soon. We can't sit here
all night.

We don't have to sit.

Hello?

Ashwood here.

Tell the colonel we're out of petrol and
we're on the road by... Look out!

Got it.

Are you mad?

What did you throw that for?

There was a scorpion on it. It was just
going to bite you.

What did Captain Ashwood say, boy?

He said... Tell the colonel we've run
out of petrol and we're on the road by,

and then the line went dead, sir.

Well done, Parkins. Very smart report.

A model for you, sir.

According to my calculations, sir, they
should be on the road just about there.

Well, that's 15 miles away.

Well, it's only about four miles if we
cut straight across the jungle, sir.

But it'll be dark soon. We can't go
wading through the jungle at night.

It's dangerous.

Shut up!

No, Beaumont has a point.

We'll start first thing in the morning.

Excuse me, sir.

Do you think it's safe for Captain
Ashwood to be out in the jungle all

You mean he might be attacked by wild
animals?

I wasn't thinking of wild animals, sir.

I'm getting worried.

We might have to wait here for hours.

What are we going to do if it gets dark?

Don't worry.

I've got a tent.

Do you know how to put it up?

It's small, isn't it?

It's a two -man tent.

Or in our case, a one -man, one -woman
tent.

Surely you're not suggesting... Why not?
From the first moment I saw you, I was

attracted by you. I know that underneath
that cool exterior, you're a man.

Sensual, savage, oozing virility.

It's a desperation.

I want you, Ashwood.

But I'm a married man.

What's that got to do with it?

What's your second name?

Tarquin. I shall call you Tark.

Tark. Tark.

Tark. You sound like a duck.

What's that noise?

Only my heart beating.

It's us again. It could be tigers.

Well, we'd better get up a tree. We can
spend the night there.

But if we fall asleep, we could fall
out.

We won't fall asleep. You'll have to
hold me tight all night. I can't stand

heights.

But my wife belongs to the town's
women's guild.

Don't worry.

I'm not a member.

Hurry along, then. Move yourselves.

It's half past five in the morning,
Sergeant Major.

Shut up!

Thing is, sir, what are we going to use
to carry petrol in?

Why don't we carry the drum as it is,
sir?

You blithering idiot. We can't carry the
same four miles or 50 gallons in it.

We're going to need six.

Well, sir, why don't we empty 42 gallons
out and carry it with the six that are

left in it?

Shut up.

Why don't we use the charwawa's urn,
sir?

Please, sir, don't use my urn. It will
make my tea taste horrible.

You might improve it.

Now, I want you all to think what we can
carry the petrol in.

Don't spill it. Don't spill it.

I'll never be able to eat out of these
again.

I'm going to be able to wear this again.

Good morning, sir.

I'd say she's absolute mustard.

Excuse me, sir. Captain Ptolemash wants
me to drive her back to Div HQ.

You've got a damn nerve, Sergeant Major.
Steady on, Ashford.

Are you ready, Sergeant Major?

Coming, ma 'am.

There's one thing, Ashford. I don't
think she'll need a kickstart.

Thank you.